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vent warning....


gardenmom5
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don't call me up, ask how dudeling is doing (when you almost never ask) - then proceed to tell me all the things I should be doing with him that you think you know because you had two busy boys... don't blame it on the testosterone either.

make him do sports - or some physical activity...  sure- make him do sports; because horse back riding lessons were such a hit.  as were martial arts, or swimming..... and taking him to the zoo, or the science center, or the museum of flight worked so well, and he was so excited to go.  or the beach....  yeah - tell me again how if I'd just do games with this kid it would help him...….

he's old enough I could have this relative spend a few days with him.....  he could defend himself, and she'd lose her attitude.

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19 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

don't call me up, ask how dudeling is doing (when you almost never ask) - then proceed to tell me all the things I should be doing with him that you think you know because you had two busy boys... don't blame it on the testosterone either.

 

 

Vent away.

I get it from relatives who call to tell me how to be a better wife because apparently me becoming their vision of a perfect wife is going to cure my husband's mental illness, which is really just a relationship problem...

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12 minutes ago, maize said:

 

Vent away.

I get it from relatives who call to tell me how to be a better wife because apparently me becoming their vision of a perfect wife is going to cure my husband's mental illness, which is really just a relationship problem...

are those your relatives? or his?   my brother doesn't believe in mental illness.  our mother was schizophrenic.....

only after 2dd had been married for at least a couple years - did she realize THIS was the relative that was asking her about her boyfriends, (when relative met dsil for the first time - wanted to know who he was and why he was there.....) - and that I never haras..., um... inquired about her dates.  (I wouldn't go so far as to have called them boyfriends - since that implies more than just a couple dates)   hmm, maybe this was one of the reasons three of four of relative's children eloped and only told her after the fact.  

 

5 minutes ago, CuriousMomof3 said:

I think you might both be related to my neighbor who was horrified to find out that I get up to give my kid medication in the middle of the night.  She proudly pointed out that her kid was "Ferberized" (her word) at 4 months, and perhaps I should read the book, because he really should be sleeping through the night at his age.  

because having rx in the middle of the night is related to sleeping through the night.... some people's children...  you wonder where they were when brains/common-sense were being handed out...

 

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24 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

are those your relatives? or his?   

His.

Most of his relatives are truly lovely most of the time, but there are occasional blind spots. The severity of my dh's disability and illness has been a consistent blind spot for several of them. 

Being told I need to step things up as a spouse when I have shouldered way more than my share of the load in this marriage from the beginning is...not helpful.

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2 minutes ago, maize said:

His.

Most of his relatives are truly lovely most of the time, but there are occasional blind spots. The severity of my dh's disability and illness has been a consistent blind spot for several of them. 

Being told I need to step things up as a spouse when I have shouldered way more than my share of the load in this marriage from the beginning is...not helpful.

are they in denial that mental illness is a real thing?

I found for some - it was easier to victim blame than admit something is out of their control.  it's a self-defense mechanism in that they think this will spare them from having to experience anything like it.     I call them "job's comforters".....  denial is not a river in Egypt.

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5 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

are they in denial that mental illness is a real thing?

I found for some - it was easier to victim blame than admit something is out of their control.  it's a self-defense mechanism in that they think this will spare them from having to experience anything like it.     I call them "job's comforters".....  denial is not a river in Egypt.

I'm not entirely sure what is going on. They don't deny the existence of mental illness, but they will say things like "I've never known anyone whose depression wasn't completely resolved by taking medication" or, when dh has been lying catatonic in bed for most of a week "he's probably just tired". Lots of minimizing. 

The relationship advice as a proposed solution I really don't get. I've pointed out that we have had more than one actual professional marriage counselor tell us after a couple of sessions that they had no advice to offer until dh's mental health was better managed. It doesn't take long for people with mental health experience to spot the primary source of any relationship challenges we are having.

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24 minutes ago, CuriousMomof3 said:


I see that pattern a lot.  It's like a different form of denial.  They don't deny the condition, they just assume that everything has an easy fix.  Some situations are just hard.  You can do everything right and not have things get magically better.  That is a hard thing for people to hear, because it's scary to think that if something goes wrong you won't be able to magic it away.  

just take a pill, and it will make it all better....

this is a common attitude of people who think drs know everything, and don't make mistakes....

I get the reverse (like maize).  "you are the source of you son's problems. if you just_____, it would be all better."

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1 minute ago, CuriousMomof3 said:

 

Yep!  

I think the third part of the trilogy of weird responses is people who think everything is the result of something that they know how to solve. 

Like “my kid got bit by a snake so now his foot is swelling up and we are headed to the ER”

”You know, diabetes can cause foot pain.  Is he thirsty?  You should ask them to check his blood glucose at the E.R.”

”Well, I actually saw a rattlesnake sink his fangs into him so I am going with the snakebite hypothesis”

”Sometimes diabetics have celiac, since he’s got symptoms of diabetes you should probably try gluten free.”

(Fortunately this is slightly exaggerated because my kid has never actually been bitten by a snake, but this is what it feels like) 

yeah.  who are you going to believe?  the arm chair medic?  or your own lyin' eyes?  smh.

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