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nelewaf

Opinion on One's Last Wishes

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Hello,

A close friend passed away yesterday.  I would like others opinions regarding her wishes.  A few days ago while she was in the hospital,  I asked if I could call two people to ask them them pray for her. She said very very adamantely, "No, don't do that.  And for my service I only want my daughters, you and (her) sister."  That's all.  I don't want cousins I haven't seen in years coming.....

So, my question is this:  We were at the planning meeting at funeral home yesterday, and the small private church service is planned for Friday.  We arrived a little late, and missed the conversation surrounding this ... but they have scheduled calling hours the day before the funeral.  Having pondered over this for hours yesterday, my husband and I think the calling hours are refuting her wishes. We do not feel as though it is our place to try and stop this but I am interested in others' experiences, since I have none with this.   

Thanks So much in the difficult time. 

 

 

 

 

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I am assuming "they" are her family.  Her family trumps friends, in my opinion.  And funerals really are for the living who are grieving from the loss of their loved one. 

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I do understand that, but with tears in her eyes, she said "Can't I even have my say now? Is this too much to ask for?"  If she weren't so adament about it , it would be one thing. 

Anyone else, have another experience with this?  I had an uncle, whose wishes were similar, and we' all found out afterward.  

"They" are the funeral director and the family.  

ps   -    the good friend was my sister  -  

 And funerals really are for the living who are grieving from the loss of their loved one.  :   Well, there is  a balance of the wishes, though, for the one who is passing. That should be respected to the utmost.  Especially in this case where, without getting into details, this was an issue in and of itself for my sister.  

 

 
Edited by nelewaf
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I am so sorry for your loss.  

I don't have experience with this but I would try to respect her wishes as closely as possible.  

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Kassia, thanks so much.  That's what I am feeling and sensing, too.  I knew my sister so well, and this is what she would have wanted. 

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36 minutes ago, nelewaf said:

Kassia, thanks so much.  That's what I am feeling and sensing, too.  I knew my sister so well, and this is what she would have wanted. 

 

Do you get to have any say in this? It sounds like someone else is planning it. Who is paying for the funeral? Did she have a Last Will and Testament written down?

Are you willing to burn bridges with the rest of the family based on something she told you but may have told noone else?

 

I think that request was a very difficult one to implement if she didn't also write it down/make sure more people knew. Otherwise she's putting you in a bad position.

 

 

 

Edited by vonfirmath
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She should have told the person implementing her will. I also don't think that emotional statements at the end reflect the considered statements she made to that person much before. It's like saying your profanity in childbirth is reflective of how you feel all the time. 

I would mention it to the executor and then just let it go. Hopefully she expressed her wishes to that person. And if she didn't, remember a funeral is for the living, to comfort the living. 

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I'm thinking that this is perhaps a JAWM (Just Agree With Me) thread?  Otherwise you would have said up front that it was your sister so that you could get more pertinent advice.  Anyway. . . I am sorry for your loss.  And I hope that your family relationships are such that you can talk honestly with your family about your feelings and those of your sisters even if you missed the first part of the meeting. 

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Perhaps if you don't feel that you can abide by her wishes exactly, you could have an additional get-together for just the people mentioned, a "time of remembrance" or something along those lines?

I'm very sorry for your loss.

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I would go with whatever her daughters want and support them 100% with whatever it is.

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The thing is, all four grown daughters (in their 30s) look to me and my other sister for guidance, esp since her divorce this spring.  

The insurance will cover everything.  The daughters Want and Seek  my input.  That is why I'm conflicted.  Do I say nothing? Do I say something?  It's about what my sister wanted to me.  I believe her daughters want that too.

This was not like what one yells in childbirth, as she just had the pain med, and was lucid and clear.  Believe me she was in extreme pain for the last three days. This was one day before that.  

Purple Owl thank you, great idea, and b/c all but one is close by geographically, I'm sure we will get together alot. Actually that's one thing we have talked about how close we all are. 

Jean, thank you. 

Maize, thank you, I will asolutely go with what they want, of course. but much of what they want is to please their mother, what did she want? I have the strong intuition to honor what my sister wanted too. Can you understand that? My nieces are neutral to the calling hours. The church serv ice is only family.

Vonfirmath, thank you. Yes, I agree tricky position, hence my outward seeking. 
Peter Pan, thank you. This came out of the blue she is was working, yet near retirement.  No will. Went through a hard divorce in March.  No idea this would happen now. 

Grateful for all of your heart felt replies.  Peace.

Edited by nelewaf

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14 minutes ago, nelewaf said:

No will. Went through a hard divorce in March.  No idea this would happen now. 

I would do something small and peaceful with the ones she loved. It sounds like a time for healing.

16 minutes ago, nelewaf said:

My nieces are neutral to the calling hours. The church serv ice is only family.

So then it's done. Just family. Then do something positive like a meal or planting a tree or something. 

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Thanks Peter Pan.  Yes small family service at church. She wanted special sandwiches at her house afterward. That is all planned for Friday. 
 

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49 minutes ago, nelewaf said:

 

The daughters Want and Seek  my input.  That is why I'm conflicted.  Do I say nothing? Do I say something?  It's about what my sister wanted to me.  I believe her daughters want that too.

 

 

I would have to say something.  Like you, it would be about what my sister wanted.  Final wishes are really important to me and I'd want to respect those wishes.  I'm sorry that you have this stress after losing your sister.  

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Thanks Kassia.  

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Who is steering the planning?  If it's the funeral director, then it's nothing personal for him...  He's just advising tradition.  If her dd's are looking to you for guidance, then I think you can absolutely state your sister's last wishes.  Is there someone else involved (with planning) who you think this might offend?  I would still leave it in the hands of her dd's, ultimately, but I think you can be gently honest with them about what their mother told you.  (In the end of course, I would lovingly support her dd's no matter what.)

If you do end up having just a small family gathering and are worried about other relatives feeling sad that they're not part of it, I think it would be fine to send a note/announcement to them explaining that she had wanted her funeral to be very simple and intimate, with just her immediate family.

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your sister.

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J-rap,  Thanks.   I appreciate your thoughts on this.  I'm aout to go meet with my nieces and sister now, so Thank s again to all. 

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Update:  Last night everyone agreed 100%, after hours of respectful discussion,  no calling hours  so that we honor my sisters' wishes to the fullest extent. 

Thanks to all  so very much.  Bless you all. 

 

 

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Thank you for the update.  I'm so glad it all worked out.  Thinking of you and your family.

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I'm glad it all went so well, during such a tough, emotional time.  Do take care.

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