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Scarlett

So. My bio dad got the news of the dna test

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Brief background....I was born in 1965 out of wedlock.  Which if any of y’all know about 1965, that was a big deal.  My mom told my bio dad and his words were, ‘ sounds like you have a problem. ‘. And added to that how he would get 5 of his friends to swear they slept with her.  Yeah, high class. 

So my mom took off and had me and raised me on her own.  When I was 7 she became religious and felt he had a right to know I existed. By this time my paternal half  sister was born and about 4.....in the course of a few phone conversations my mom  mentioned how unusual it was for a man to have custody of a child (in 1972).  He said, ‘don’t ever underestimate me Scarlett’s mom’.  Scared the crap out of her.  No more contact until I was 15 and asked to meet him. My sister was 11 and this was the first she knew I existed. She and I bonded instantly.  I really can’t explain it.  It was a three day visit....and then he made my little sister swear she would NEVER contact me. In the meantime I had called i called  many times looking for my sister and he and my aunt refused to give me her contact info.  Lied to me.  Told me they didn’t have it,   28 years later and she contacts me on FB.  That was 11 years ago and we have been very close ever since.  As in several phone calls or texts per week.  And we have visited a half dozen times. 

My sister has never, not one time doubted we are sisters.  And of course I have never doubted it because I know my mom has never lied to me.  And then last year we did the dna test.  We are 100% half sisters.  

Today she told our dad about the dna test.  He said oh I wondered if you were still in contact with her.  She said, yes dad, she is my sister and we are very close.  We talk several times EVERY week.  He said well I was never sure.  She said, well I was always sure.  And now we have the dna test.  She pulled up my pic and said look at her dad.  She looks more like your side of the family than I do.  He said yes she does.  And then he said, well it is a little late to try and mend that relationship.  She said no it isn’t. 

I have no idea why this means so much to me.  But it does.  

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Just now, PrincessMommy said:

It's important and momentous.  Of course it means a lot. hugs.  

He is in the hospital. Not sure ho long he will live.  I am going to mail him a card that says, ‘my sister told me she told you about the dna test.  So now you know for sure.  Welcome to my family.’

seriously.  I am sending it. What do I have to lose.  

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It matters because it's huge and momentous.  I can't even imagine the mix of emotions and thoughts you must be having.  {{{Scarlet}}}  I hope some healing comes from this.

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9 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

He is in the hospital. Not sure ho long he will live.  I am going to mail him a card that says, ‘my sister told me she told you about the dna test.  So now you know for sure.  Welcome to my family.’

seriously.  I am sending it. What do I have to lose.  

 

I would be very positive.  Is he in the hospital because he is dying or is he just ill?  I would run whatever you are going to say past your sister as she would know his reactions better.  If you want a relationship with him, being confrontational is not going to help the situation.

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29 minutes ago, DawnM said:

 

I would be very positive.  Is he in the hospital because he is dying or is he just ill?  I would run whatever you are going to say past your sister as she would know his reactions better.  If you want a relationship with him, being confrontational is not going to help the situation.

You think that is confrontational.  Lol.  Shrug.  I don’t particularly want a relationship....but being acknowledged is powerful. 

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And yes he is fairly ill.   Won’t die today or anything, but I think it is close. 

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Sorry you got your feelings hurt. He was a jerk when you were born. He was a jerk in your teens. He is still a jerk and will die a jerk.

Not everyone wants to know their (genetic) family tree.  The hurt caused by facts, can be just as emotionally damaging as the hurt caused by secrets.  It sounds like your sister's heart was in the right place in wanting to share that information with him. But now, you will have to carry the burden of hurt, by how he did or didn't acknowledge your relationship. She will have the burden of knowing how she caused a new level of hurt for you. Sad for everyone involved. 

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I’m sorry- and I totally get why it means so much to you. 

Are you sure you don’t want to say more to him? You might not get another chance. 

Hugs- what a crappy way for a father to behave.

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My sister acknowledged me..I can still see that little 11 year old so eager and happy to have me in her life.  She had 4 other siblings on her mom’s side., but it was me that she gravitated to. 

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4 minutes ago, Annie G said:

I’m sorry- and I totally get why it means so much to you. 

Are you sure you don’t want to say more to him? You might not get another chance. 

Hugs- what a crappy way for a father to behave.

To be clear,  I have seen him a couple of times in 11 years., I am quite accepted by my sister and by my aunt who has since died, and by my cousin....he was pleasant and all.   But I could tell he was measured and guarded. 

What else could I say?

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3 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

To be clear,  I have seen him a couple of times in 11 years., I am quite accepted by my sister and by my aunt who has since died, and by my cousin....he was pleasant and all.   But I could tell he was measured and guarded. 

What else could I say?

Well, what are you feeling? If you wish he had been part of your life growing up, you could say that. I really don’t know. Just figured if you have anything you want to get off your chest then you probably should go ahead and do it since it sounds like he’s quite ill.  Maybe you really don’t have anything to say. Just offering support if you wanted to unload your feelings. 

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Ha well, I have many mean things to say which are not helpful or appropriate for a 79 year old man..  

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13 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

 

What else could I say?

Maybe just say thank you for giving you such a wonderful sister and how much she means to you and leave him out of it?   I'm probably weird, but I don't think I'd want to tell him how much he had hurt me because his actions have shown that he doesn't care about your feelings anyway.   

I'm so sorry about how he treated you and your mom.  

 

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8 minutes ago, Laurie said:

Maybe just say thank you for giving you such a wonderful sister and how much she means to you and leave him out of it?   I'm probably weird, but I don't think I'd want to tell him how much he had hurt me because his actions have shown that he doesn't care about your feelings anyway.   

I'm so sorry about how he treated you and your mom.  

 

Yes I like this. My sister is the Greatest thing ever. 

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4 hours ago, Scarlett said:

 

Today she told our dad about the dna test.  He said oh I wondered if you were still in contact with her.  She said, yes dad, she is my sister and we are very close.  We talk several times EVERY week.  He said well I was never sure.  She said, well I was always sure.  And now we have the dna test.  She pulled up my pic and said look at her dad.  She looks more like your side of the family than I do.  He said yes she does.  And then he said, well it is a little late to try and mend that relationship.  She said no it isn’t. 

I have no idea why this means so much to me.  But it does.  

he was a huge jerk to your mom.  then a jerk to his own child while she was growing up.

does he want to "try and mend that relationship"? (I hope for everyone's sake he's sorry for being such a jerk.)  what does your sister think?   

if it means so much - reach out and let him know it isn't too late.

it's amazing what some father's will think.  dh's nephew-in-law was raised in  the same family, but because he looked absolutely nothing like anyone else - his dad would "jokingly" claim his mother had an affair, and imply (if not outright state), he wasn't actually his son.  his father also went around crowing how ___ was his son after dna testing proved it.

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if they were teens - I wonder if some of his friends *did* say they'd slept with "his girlfriend" as a status thing, and it put doubt in his mind to whether or not your mom was faithful to him.  some teen boys and their games kind of thing.  he was young and dumb and probably gullible to it too.  

it does sound like he didn't have a problem  your sister has kept in such close contact with you lo these many years.  and possible regret that he didn't.

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He sounds pretty awful. Honestly, I wouldn't send him anything. Not anything nice, and not anything mean. He's not worth your time.

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Think about how you'll feel later based on what you do or don't do now.  No one else can make this decision for you.  It's about you knowing your own self.

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13 hours ago, Scarlett said:

He is in the hospital. Not sure ho long he will live.  I am going to mail him a card that says, ‘my sister told me she told you about the dna test.  So now you know for sure.  Welcome to my family.’

seriously.  I am sending it. What do I have to lose.  

 

If you upset your sister's family, you may have a lot to lose.

12 hours ago, Scarlett said:

You think that is confrontational.  Lol.  Shrug.  I don’t particularly want a relationship....but being acknowledged is powerful. 

 

You say you do not want a relationship, so to me, the "welcome to my family" is sarcastic and I am thinking he may take it the same way.   I am just saying you may want to word it differently.

And I don't get that you only want acknowledgement.   If you want proof or acknowledgment only, you have it.  It is done.  I think you must want something a bit more than. that if you are still mulling it over and want to communicate with him.  

12 hours ago, Scarlett said:

And yes he is fairly ill.   Won’t die today or anything, but I think it is close. 

 

Then that makes it even more important to make sure you come across in a positive way.

If I read your tone the way I did, he might as well.

I have seen some of these situations go particularly bad, and I just don't want that for you if you wish to maintain a good relationship with your sister and end well with your bio father.

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15 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

he was a huge jerk to your mom.  then a jerk to his own child while she was growing up.

does he want to "try and mend that relationship"? (I hope for everyone's sake he's sorry for being such a jerk.)  what does your sister think?   

if it means so much - reach out and let him know it isn't too late.

it's amazing what some father's will think.  dh's nephew-in-law was raised in  the same family, but because he looked absolutely nothing like anyone else - his dad would "jokingly" claim his mother had an affair, and imply (if not outright state), he wasn't actually his son.  his father also went around crowing how ___ was his son after dna testing proved it.

He was 24 and she was 19.  And they only met and were around each other for about 4 months. He took her to his sisters house to live....he knew she wasn’t sleeping around.but I imagine it is difficult to admit you didn’t take care if or even acknowledge your child for 54 years.  

As far as him having a problem with my sister and I being in contact.  He absolutely kept us apart for 28 years.   Are her promise not to look me up.  Refused to give me her contact info when I called many times.  And then when she was 40 she realized what crap that promise was and she found me on FB.  After we met up she told him and he started in with, ‘now you don’t know—-‘. She stood up to him, cut him off and said, ‘I do know, dad.  I have known from the moment we met when I was 11.  And the thing is this is not about you.  This is about my sister and me.’

So he stopped trying to get her to cutoff contact.  But he minds.  Very much.  Because it has been a source of reminding him about me. 

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6 hours ago, DawnM said:

 

If you upset your sister's family, you may have a lot to lose.

 

You say you do not want a relationship, so to me, the "welcome to my family" is sarcastic and I am thinking he may take it the same way.   I am just saying you may want to word it differently.

And I don't get that you only want acknowledgement.   If you want proof or acknowledgment only, you have it.  It is done.  I think you must want something a bit more than. that if you are still mulling it over and want to communicate with him.  

 

Then that makes it even more important to make sure you come across in a positive way.

If I read your tone the way I did, he might as well.

I have seen some of these situations go particularly bad, and I just don't want that for you if you wish to maintain a good relationship with your sister and end well with your bio father.

You misread my tone completely, but good to know it could come across like that.  I guess I will rethink my words.  

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20 hours ago, Scarlett said:

 he made my little sister swear she would NEVER contact me. 

Today she told our dad about the dna test.  He said oh I wondered if you were still in contact with her.  She said, yes dad, she is my sister and we are very close.  We talk several times EVERY week.  He said well I was never sure.  She said, well I was always sure.  And now we have the dna test.  She pulled up my pic and said look at her dad.  She looks more like your side of the family than I do.  He said yes she does.  And then he said, well it is a little late to try and mend that relationship.  She said no it isn’t. 

I have no idea why this means so much to me.  But it does.  

it sounds like he mellowed over the years (grew up.) from demanding your sister have no contact with you either.   if he was still obstinate about it - he wouldn't have said "well it is a little late to try and mend that relationship."

29 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

He was 24 and she was 19.  And they only met and were around each other for about 4 months. He took her to his sisters house to live....he knew she wasn’t sleeping around.but I imagine it is difficult to admit you didn’t take care if or even acknowledge your child for 54 years.  

As far as him having a problem with my sister and I being in contact.  He absolutely kept us apart for 28 years.   Are her promise not to look me up.  Refused to give me her contact info when I called many times.  And then when she was 40 she realized what crap that promise was and she found me on FB.  After we met up she told him and he started in with, ‘now you don’t know—-‘. She stood up to him, cut him off and said, ‘I do know, dad.  I have known from the moment we met when I was 11.  And the thing is this is not about you.  This is about my sister and me.’

So he stopped trying to get her to cutoff contact.  But he minds.  Very much.  Because it has been a source of reminding him about me. 

sounds like he was a scared and selfish 24 year old who didn't want to man up.  I'm sorry.  

your sister gave him a reality check he needed - among the few who could have.

if he still minds so much - why say it is too late to try and mend the relationship?   what it is likely reminding him about is that he  was a wussy jerk, and (hopefully) he's feeling ashamed of his behavior. (but instead of facing up to it, he's running away in fear.  time for him to man-up.)

if you want to reach out - do so.  if you don't - don't.

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On July 13, 2019 at 6:33 PM, Scarlett said:

You think that is confrontational.  Lol.  Shrug.  I don’t particularly want a relationship....but being acknowledged is powerful. 

LOL, that's not confrontational in my book either.  Hitting him on the back of the head with an iron skillet for being a butt...that's confrontational.

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Sounds like your half-sister, mom, dh and children are the ones who you can rely on. This man will never be able to repair that hurt you felt as a child.

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On 7/13/2019 at 6:52 PM, Tap said:

Sorry you got your feelings hurt. He was a jerk when you were born. He was a jerk in your teens. He is still a jerk and will die a jerk.

Not everyone wants to know their (genetic) family tree.  The hurt caused by facts, can be just as emotionally damaging as the hurt caused by secrets.  It sounds like your sister's heart was in the right place in wanting to share that information with him. But now, you will have to carry the burden of hurt, by how he did or didn't acknowledge your relationship. She will have the burden of knowing how she caused a new level of hurt for you. Sad for everyone involved. 

I really am not following your line of thought.  I was never ever lied to.  My sister was.  And when she learned of my existence she wasn’t hurt, she was happy.  Then our dad lied to her for the next 28 years by not telling her I was trying to reach her.  That hurt her.  A lot.  

He had full custody of her from the time she was 18 months old.  So she loved him very much.  And she had a difficult time  reconciling the dad that raised her with the man that could completely abandon and deny his firstborn—I was born just 3 1/2 years before her.  

I think his character became vividly clear to her as she realized how he rejected me.  And she sees more and more how mean he is especially when crossed at all or even when he feels jealous or something.  

He has hurt both of  us.  The truth being told did not hurt us.  He did. 

He is the one who lost out because I am a pretty nice person.  If you don’t believe me ask my mom.  Lol.  And he has to live with his arrogant selfish choices which continue up to this day.  I would rather be the child that was rejected than the person who rejected his own child.  

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My sister had lunch with our dad, our step mom and my sister’s mom.  They do that several times a year.  Somehow after their horrible divorce and bad blood her mom and our dad co exist quite peacefully.  Anyway, I haven't got the whole story yet because my sister is out of town, but she texted me....she says he wants to see me.  That he thought I don’t want anything to do with him.  

I told my friend at lunch yesterday that my sister wants this more than he or I do.  My sister did tell me that she believes he is regretting some of his hardline attitudes and actions over the course of his life....case in point he has a nephew in prison....Nephew’s parents are both dead....my dad is all he has left of the older generation.  But my dad has always despised this nephew.....maybe for some good reasons since the cousin is in prison.  But our dad reached out to the nephew in prison and had a conversation with him.  My sister was shocked by that.  So maybe he is different.  Shrug.  

My sister just built a new house.  So she wants to have a big family gathering sometime this fall.  I guess that will be when I see him. 

 

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I hope seeing him goes well Scarlett, maybe it will provide you a bit of healing or at least a degree of closure related to past hurts.

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Hugs! I understand. We haven't seen my dad in over seven years. He's never met my youngest child. I have a standing invitation for him to visit any time he wants. I don't know what goes through his head. 

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