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Home'scool

UPDATE IN FIRST POST - I finally had my day in court!

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3 minutes ago, Harriet Vane said:

Any word?

 

I trust we will hear when she does! But I also want to ask because maybe homeschool is too busy out celebrating to update us!!!

Seriously, I hope the delay is due to the judge taking time to review all the history of this case and constructing a ruling that will be challenge proof. 

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Still no news?  I'm about ready to get together a posse and storm the judge's office.

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Because her ex is so crazy I did double check to see that she has been on the boards.  So I guess there is still no ruling. I know she will let us know asap.

 

 

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Just a (non) update .... It has been about 7 weeks since we finished the trial. When I checked in with my attorney she said it could be "months" before we get a decision. Ugh. I'm hoping it is not that long. I can only move on with my life so much without this situation being wrapped up 😞

 

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3 hours ago, Home'scool said:

Just a (non) update .... It has been about 7 weeks since we finished the trial. When I checked in with my attorney she said it could be "months" before we get a decision. Ugh. I'm hoping it is not that long. I can only move on with my life so much without this situation being wrapped up 😞

 

 

I’m sorry for your long wait!

Genuine question, though - why does it take so long? Does the judge alone make a decision, or are others involved? Does s/he act solely on the information provided at the hearing, or do they do more investigation?

I am truly curious about the process, and how it affects how long it takes to bring down a ruling.  

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Ok, I spoke to soon .... maybe? According to my lawyer, the clerk mailed out the judge's ruling yesterday (9/12/19) --- so as soon as my attorney gets it in the mail they will email to me. I am assuming that will be Monday. I can't believe they MAIL the freakin' thing instead of emailing it! I guess I shouldn't complain (but I will) -- my attorney said she really thought it would take longer.

The way it was explained to me, it takes so long depending on how many cases the judge has before mine to review. I believe she has to research law stuff etc. So while ours would seem to be straightforward (no child custody or support issues, no property squabbles, anything messy like that) it still depends on how many cases are before us.

There will be a lot of drinking this weekend for sure.

 

 

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Maybe your attorney will get it today? Local mail around here often arrives in just one day.

Fingers and toes all crossed for you!

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hoping for justice for you, it's nice when evil gets its reward.  Crossing my fingers and toes, I hope you get good and fair news on Monday! 

Edited by Hen

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19 hours ago, Home'scool said:

Ok, I spoke to soon .... maybe? According to my lawyer, the clerk mailed out the judge's ruling yesterday (9/12/19) --- so as soon as my attorney gets it in the mail they will email to me. I am assuming that will be Monday. I can't believe they MAIL the freakin' thing instead of emailing it! I guess I shouldn't complain (but I will) -- my attorney said she really thought it would take longer.

The way it was explained to me, it takes so long depending on how many cases the judge has before mine to review. I believe she has to research law stuff etc. So while ours would seem to be straightforward (no child custody or support issues, no property squabbles, anything messy like that) it still depends on how many cases are before us.

 

Yes, that's how it is in our area too. You never know how long it will take, and then they mail it. 

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Thank you for the update! I’m so glad it’s finally over, even if it didn’t turn out exactly as you’d hoped!

And you can at least comfort yourself in knowing that your ex is probably spitting mad because he had to give you anything at all. I just wish it would have been more!

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Thanks for the update.  I, too, am sad it didn't turn out exactly as you had hoped, but I'm so glad it is behind you and that it wasn't worse.  Now you can move forward with your life without all this hanging over you.  

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There is no ceiling to the value of the relationship you have with your daughters. I am so glad you recognize that truth! 

I am so glad for you that this is finally over. Enjoy your big ol’ William Wallace 

FRRRREEEEEDOOOOMMMM!!!

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I am so sorry.  I think it is disgusting that you don’t get a share of his bonuses and that he does not pay you any longer than his working years.  I think he will decide when he wants to retire (early) and haul you back into court to lower the judgement you already got.  This is just horrible, that he actually profited from being such a complete lying jerk and that that will embolden him to do it more ongoing.  What a tool.  I’m glad you have your sister to fall back on but I think it is completely awful that you are in the position to need to do so.

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I’m sorry the judgment didn’t go more in your favor but it sounds like it wasn’t bad, and most importantly it’s OVER.  You’re free.  

 

And yeah. You’re probably traumatized and need therapy.  No war is without wounds but you got out alive and I’m so happy for you!

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This has been an incredibly stressful and traumatic process, and having this hanging over your head for 4 years, being forced to endure his continued legal and emotional abuse, worried that he could fool the judge and you would not have enough to live on — of course that could give you PTSD! Especially on top of 30 years of an abusive marriage.

I'm so glad it's finally over, although I'm sorry you didn't get everything you should have gotten. But if you have enough to live on and you have the love and support of your daughters, then you have everything that matters. And all the money in the world isn't going to compensate your ex for what he lost.

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On 6/25/2019 at 12:45 PM, Home'scool said:

Is it silly to think I may have PTSD?

Not one bit!

I still have mini panic attacks whenever anything “official” with my ex comes up, and I don’t think my situation comes even close to the level of yours.   I mean, I definitely went through some stuff, and that stuff comes back whenever I have to speak to him or his lawyer, or if I think about speaking to them for too long.  I’m a little queasy just typing that!

You’ve been put through the wringer. It’s not silly.  I’m glad things are finally final for you!  Be good to yourself!

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  I’m glad you have your sister to fall back on but I think it is completely awful that you are in the position to need to do so.

I think this is what kicked off my panic episode. From the beginning I did not want to be either a burden to anybody or beholden to anybody. My sister insists that I am neither and that we are a team together in this. Living with her for the last 4 years has been the happiest I have been in a while and it is the same for her. It has really turned out wonderfully that we are together. BUT ..... the thought that without her opening her home and without the safety of her having a place for me I don't know where I would be. And then I start worrying if something happens to her. Then she says "But you have children and other family" and then I panic thinking of having to burden my children and round and round it goes. 

Logically I make plenty between my job and what I will get in alimony. But having this happen in my mid-50's, not knowing for so long how much money I will have, not having a home of my own ...... it's been tough. I also get so mad at my STBX because he wanted a "traditional" marriage where I did all the cooking, cleaning and child rearing. So I purposely did not work on establishing my career. But then, after having an agreement for 25 years of marriage, his answer is for me to go out and get a better job. The lack of compassion from him is breath taking.

 

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3 hours ago, Home'scool said:

I think this is what kicked off my panic episode. From the beginning I did not want to be either a burden to anybody or beholden to anybody. My sister insists that I am neither and that we are a team together in this. Living with her for the last 4 years has been the happiest I have been in a while and it is the same for her. It has really turned out wonderfully that we are together. BUT ..... the thought that without her opening her home and without the safety of her having a place for me I don't know where I would be. And then I start worrying if something happens to her. Then she says "But you have children and other family" and then I panic thinking of having to burden my children and round and round it goes. 

Logically I make plenty between my job and what I will get in alimony. But having this happen in my mid-50's, not knowing for so long how much money I will have, not having a home of my own ...... it's been tough. I also get so mad at my STBX because he wanted a "traditional" marriage where I did all the cooking, cleaning and child rearing. So I purposely did not work on establishing my career. But then, after having an agreement for 25 years of marriage, his answer is for me to go out and get a better job. The lack of compassion from him is breath taking.

 

Hugs

Its is hard,you have been through a lot ! No one knows what tomorrow will bring.Enjoy your time with your sister,your daughters and most of all enjoy the fresh air of freedom that you just got!

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I'm sorry you did not get what you deserve, especially after what seemed so positive in your favor. However, I hope that now you can take some slow, deep breaths, and feel the tension starting to leave. You do have a place to live, with a sister who loves you, and beautiful daughters who have a relationship with you. And any PTSD feelings are certainly understandable. It's been a long haul. His wealth really will be a cold comfort to him as he ages.

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At least you're done with him, eh?

And yes, of course you have PTSD. It'll calm down in time.

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I'm so glad it is finally over! but disappointed that you didn't get all you deserve!

At least you are free of him and can hopefully forget he exists (have you heard that new Taylor Swift song?) Best wishes Home'scool!

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Will alimony be automatically withdrawn from his paycheck? I remember the games he played with interim payments.

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Wait, are you going to be able to keep your half of the 401(k) or are you going to use that for your girl’s college debt?  I would be hesitant to not hold onto that retirement nest egg.  If I were your daughter, I would want to refinance my student loans and pay them myself rather than take your retirement.  

Remember, when the time comes you can also file for SS on his account and not your own.  Your benefit would be 65% of his benefit and that’s unfortunately probably larger than 100% of yours.  

I’m sorry that the final orders weren’t everything you asked for.  Does he have to pay your lawyer?  

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Wait, are you going to be able to keep your half of the 401(k) or are you going to use that for your girl’s college debt?  I would be hesitant to not hold onto that retirement nest egg.  If I were your daughter, I would want to refinance my student loans and pay them myself rather than take your retirement.  

Remember, when the time comes you can also file for SS on his account and not your own.  Your benefit would be 65% of his benefit and that’s unfortunately probably larger than 100% of yours.  

I’m sorry that the final orders weren’t everything you asked for.  Does he have to pay your lawyer?  

 

No, my half of the 401K won't be touched. I will have to cash in other investment accounts and use cash on hand to pay off everything that needs to be paid. I will probably end up with about $10,000 cash when all is said and done. So then I just buckle down and build back up my savings. I plan on (trying) to bank his alimony payment each week for at least a year. So far I have lived off of my paycheck alone by living somewhat frugally so I will just continue with that. 

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Congratulations on the your new life beginning! I hope you and your sister can do something special to celebrate because goodness knows you deserve it.

I'm glad you'll be OK despite that ruling on the college costs. It sounds to me like you actually won everything because, unlike your STBXH, you will have enough funds to sustain you plus the love of your girls, family, and friends. Oh, yeah, and you're actually a good human being! He's got...a lot of emptiness and always will. When the weddings, and the grandkids, and the moments that make life worth living come, he'll have nothing. He lost more than he will ever appreciate.

 

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Congratulations on the your new life beginning! I hope you and your sister can do something special to celebrate because goodness knows you deserve it.

I'm glad you'll be OK despite that ruling on the college costs. It sounds to me like you actually won everything because, unlike your STBXH, you will have enough funds to sustain you plus the love of your girls, family, and friends. Oh, yeah, and you're actually a good human being! He's got...a lot of emptiness and always will. When the weddings, and the grandkids, and the moments that make life worth living come, he'll have nothing. He lost more than he will ever appreciate.

 

Thank you so much. This encapsulates what I have been trying to focus on 😊

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Knowing what I know about family law, I think you got a good result.

my questions are technical: how do you get half of his 401(k), actually? Is it the 401k as of a date certain? Does the plan administrator have paperwork regarding the court decree? In my state, you can’t designate a beneficiary without your spouse’s consent, but nothing prevents you from day, borrowing against that 491k. 

Are you having the payments garnished or how is that working, regarding alimony?

Edited by madteaparty
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They gave me the half of the value of his 401K as of a certain date (I think it was as of May 2019). Now I have to turn that over into a something called a quadro. I have a financial guy for all that.

According to my lawyer they do not usually garnish wages for alimony, only for child support. I am hoping it gets set up that it just goes directly into my account. The court papers do say he has to pay via a "direct deposit" to my account, but I'm not sure exactly what that means.

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25 minutes ago, madteaparty said:

 

my questions are technical: how do you get half of his 401(k), actually? Is it the 401k as of a date certain? Does the plan administrator have paperwork regarding the court decree? In my state, you can’t designate a beneficiary without your spiise’s consent, but nothing prevents you from day, borrowing against that 491k. 

 

Oooh, oooh, I  know this one!  The divorce decree will have general language on dividing retirement assets, and then the attorneys (hers, usually) will draft the QDRO, which stands for Qualified Domestic Relations Order and is pronounced "quadro."  The QDRO is a separate court order, so the attorneys draft, both of them sign, and then the judge issues it.  The final QDRO goes to the plan administrator, which is usually the employer, although they have often delegated this to a third-party such as Fidelity or whomever.  Assuming the executed QDRO is in order, which it will be because the attorneys submitted it for the administrator's approval first, the administrator divides the account as of the date specified in the order.  The order usually will say, "50% as of September 21, 2019, as adjusted for earnings and losses from such date."  Then the account is split, and the alternate beneficiary, as she will be known, is treated just like a participant in the plan.  Well, treated like a terminated participant, in that she can direct the investment of the assets (if permitted), roll it into an IRA, etc., but can't make additional contributions to it.  Also treated like a participant in that she will be taxed on withdrawals, or not, if there are Roth contributions in the plan.

Unless you are a participant in a governmental plan, such as one sponsored by your state or county for its employees, this is a matter solely of federal law, not state law, but you are correct that most 401(k) plans do not require spousal consent for one spouse to borrow against the account.  

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