Grandparents paying for college, but with stipulations

[DawnM]

3 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

I think it's grossly unfair to refuse to present the offer unless they are currently getting college free to them.  I presume they have a decent sense of judgement and are at least 18 and capable of having a discussion to present considerations and pros/cons.

It's going to eventually come up... "Well, we OFFERED, but..." because this is what people who tend to manipulate do.  Now, are they being manipulative?  Not necessarily.  It might be that they are in a better financial spot than they thought, or after more careful consideration, that they said to themselves, "Self, it is important that Child X go to School Y.  How important, Self?  Important enough to PAY for it?" And then decided, yes, important enough to pay for it.

It's their money.  If they want to offer it up with stipulations, so be it.  You are under no obligation to accept it.  And I get that you aren't complaining!  I'm just generalizing - We never love strings, but most things come with them.  It's just, as adults, we're used to having ultimate control.  "You can borrow my car, don't text, don't eat in it,  and drive under the speed limit." Same deal here - you're welcome to drive your own car, but if you want MY car, there are rules."

I don't understand not presenting the offer.  I'd weigh in with my thoughts, but it really isn't an offer to me alone so I don't think I'd have the right to turn it down, kwim?

ETA: I also don't understand the sense of entitlement on this issue.  It seems as though, when offered a gift, you have the option of sitting down and telling the gift bearer what's wrong with their gift, why it sucks, what they should do instead, and how they could have done it better because their carefully considered plan is totally unacceptable as a gift.

Are you kidding me? 

No.  That's not how adults accept a gift.  Adults are free to say, "Thank you so much for your generous offer, and I will offer it to the kids and see what they say."

But this indulgent sense of rage over it not being precisely what you would do is a little crazy to me.  And I'll further add, who are the 19-22 year olds that can't make this consideration, have a discussion, and make an informed decision?  Boggled right now at this discussion.

 

 

Please re-read what I wrote.  I said I WOULD present the offer to them.  You have gone off on me for absolutely no reason AND you misjudged me.   

Not that I need to defend myself, but I DID already talk to them.  

SHEESH!

[Catwoman]

3 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

I think it's grossly unfair to refuse to present the offer unless they are currently getting college free to them.  I presume they have a decent sense of judgement and are at least 18 and capable of having a discussion to present considerations and pros/cons.

It's going to eventually come up... "Well, we OFFERED, but..." because this is what people who tend to manipulate do.  Now, are they being manipulative?  Not necessarily.  It might be that they are in a better financial spot than they thought, or after more careful consideration, that they said to themselves, "Self, it is important that Child X go to School Y.  How important, Self?  Important enough to PAY for it?" And then decided, yes, important enough to pay for it.

It's their money.  If they want to offer it up with stipulations, so be it.  You are under no obligation to accept it.  And I get that you aren't complaining!  I'm just generalizing - We never love strings, but most things come with them.  It's just, as adults, we're used to having ultimate control.  "You can borrow my car, don't text, don't eat in it,  and drive under the speed limit." Same deal here - you're welcome to drive your own car, but if you want MY car, there are rules."

I don't understand not presenting the offer.  I'd weigh in with my thoughts, but it really isn't an offer to me alone so I don't think I'd have the right to turn it down, kwim?

ETA: I also don't understand the sense of entitlement on this issue.  It seems as though, when offered a gift, you have the option of sitting down and telling the gift bearer what's wrong with their gift, why it sucks, what they should do instead, and how they could have done it better because their carefully considered plan is totally unacceptable as a gift.

Are you kidding me? 

No.  That's not how adults accept a gift.  Adults are free to say, "Thank you so much for your generous offer, and I will offer it to the kids and see what they say."

But this indulgent sense of rage over it not being precisely what you would do is a little crazy to me.  And I'll further add, who are the 19-22 year olds that can't make this consideration, have a discussion, and make an informed decision?  Boggled right now at this discussion.

 

 

Wow.

That’s not what Dawn said at all. This is an old thread, and her OP always said that she was going to present the offer to her boys.

You are being very harsh with Dawn when it seems as though you completely misread her posts.

[Corraleno]

7 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

I think it's grossly unfair to refuse to present the offer unless they are currently getting college free to them.  I presume they have a decent sense of judgement and are at least 18 and capable of having a discussion to present considerations and pros/cons.

It's going to eventually come up... "Well, we OFFERED, but..." because this is what people who tend to manipulate do.  Now, are they being manipulative?  Not necessarily.  It might be that they are in a better financial spot than they thought, or after more careful consideration, that they said to themselves, "Self, it is important that Child X go to School Y.  How important, Self?  Important enough to PAY for it?" And then decided, yes, important enough to pay for it.

It's their money.  If they want to offer it up with stipulations, so be it.  You are under no obligation to accept it.  And I get that you aren't complaining!  I'm just generalizing - We never love strings, but most things come with them.  It's just, as adults, we're used to having ultimate control.  "You can borrow my car, don't text, don't eat in it,  and drive under the speed limit." Same deal here - you're welcome to drive your own car, but if you want MY car, there are rules."

I don't understand not presenting the offer.  I'd weigh in with my thoughts, but it really isn't an offer to me alone so I don't think I'd have the right to turn it down, kwim?

ETA: I also don't understand the sense of entitlement on this issue.  It seems as though, when offered a gift, you have the option of sitting down and telling the gift bearer what's wrong with their gift, why it sucks, what they should do instead, and how they could have done it better because their carefully considered plan is totally unacceptable as a gift.

Are you kidding me? 

No.  That's not how adults accept a gift.  Adults are free to say, "Thank you so much for your generous offer, and I will offer it to the kids and see what they say."

But this indulgent sense of rage over it not being precisely what you would do is a little crazy to me.  And I'll further add, who are the 19-22 year olds that can't make this consideration, have a discussion, and make an informed decision?  Boggled right now at this discussion.

 

Whaaa???  You seem to have read a different thread in a parallel universe and accidentally commented on this one. This is one of the most bizarre responses I've ever seen on this board. 😳

[BlsdMama]

15 hours ago, DawnM said:

 

Please re-read what I wrote.  I said I WOULD present the offer to them.  You have gone off on me for absolutely no reason AND you misjudged me.   

Not that I need to defend myself, but I DID already talk to them.  

SHEESH!

Dawn,

I wasn't responding to you - my apologies.  I read your question, then read several replies and I was boggled by the folks who said they wouldn't at least present the offer to their young adults.

[DawnM]

1 minute ago, BlsdMama said:

Dawn,

I wasn't responding to you - my apologies.  I read your question, then read several replies and I was boggled by the folks who said they wouldn't at least present the offer to their young adults.

 

Oh, whew, but you see how I would have taken it that way, since you quoted me?  I was really taken aback!

Thank you for responding.

[BlsdMama]

9 minutes ago, DawnM said:

 

Oh, whew, but you see how I would have taken it that way, since you quoted me?  I was really taken aback!

Thank you for responding.

I totally see how you took it and it was my fault entirely.  I felt as though this conversation went askew because the parents put (specifically religious) stipulations on it and it frustrates me and I hit respond to your answer.   Not only that but I read later how you said you couldn't agree with respond negatively to them and I thought that was a kind choice and I really appreciated that.

I've been thinking on this and I took it too personally because I was thinking that if Grandma and Grandpa said, "Hey, we'll send Junior to college for free *at my alma mater* that it is easier to say, "No, thanks," or "Sure!" but because the stipulations were based on religion that folks took automatic offense.  I feel as though when the word religion comes into play that discernment is harder - and, again, Dawn, I'm sorry - definitely not at you.  

This was a hard one all the way around for you I'm certain.  I know my son (current junior) would switch schools (state school) at this point in his program either, even if it was a great opportunity.  I was just mind-blown at the idea of telling someone, trying to be generous, that their gift is unacceptable and to attempt to renegotiate the terms of a gift.  That said, I needed to also remember that everyone has different relationships with their parents.  While so many would translate this as a manipulative move, I filtered it through as well-meaning kindness.

[DawnM]

1 hour ago, BlsdMama said:

I totally see how you took it and it was my fault entirely.  I felt as though this conversation went askew because the parents put (specifically religious) stipulations on it and it frustrates me and I hit respond to your answer.   Not only that but I read later how you said you couldn't agree with respond negatively to them and I thought that was a kind choice and I really appreciated that.

I've been thinking on this and I took it too personally because I was thinking that if Grandma and Grandpa said, "Hey, we'll send Junior to college for free *at my alma mater* that it is easier to say, "No, thanks," or "Sure!" but because the stipulations were based on religion that folks took automatic offense.  I feel as though when the word religion comes into play that discernment is harder - and, again, Dawn, I'm sorry - definitely not at you.  

This was a hard one all the way around for you I'm certain.  I know my son (current junior) would switch schools (state school) at this point in his program either, even if it was a great opportunity.  I was just mind-blown at the idea of telling someone, trying to be generous, that their gift is unacceptable and to attempt to renegotiate the terms of a gift.  That said, I needed to also remember that everyone has different relationships with their parents.  While so many would translate this as a manipulative move, I filtered it through as well-meaning kindness.

 

Thanks.  If you read one of my responses, we do have a way to make this work to benefit all of us IF my son decides to do it.  A local Christian college offers their $30k tuition for $2500/year IF you get an AA from the local CC first.  My son went to talk to them (CC) and they said he would qualify if he takes at least 25% of his classes through them for his AA.  So, if he doesn't get into the engineering program at the state school,  he is open to doing this program and just going to CC next semester to qualify.    

That way, if the grandparents aren't with us anymore or are unable due to mental capacity, we can still afford it easily.

It is a new program, just started in June.

[G5052]

3 hours ago, DawnM said:

Thanks.  If you read one of my responses, we do have a way to make this work to benefit all of us IF my son decides to do it.  A local Christian college offers their $30k tuition for $2500/year IF you get an AA from the local CC first.  My son went to talk to them (CC) and they said he would qualify if he takes at least 25% of his classes through them for his AA.  So, if he doesn't get into the engineering program at the state school,  he is open to doing this program and just going to CC next semester to qualify.    

That way, if the grandparents aren't with us anymore or are unable due to mental capacity, we can still afford it easily.

 

Not just because I'm a community college professor, but I'm a big fan of community colleges. Both of mine are CC graduates and are now commuting to a four-year that is perfect for each of their goals. Both are in unique programs, one's major at that school is considered one of the top twenty in the country . We saved tens of thousands of dollars, and they had some outstanding CC professors and are pulling high grades at the four-year. For us, it was a complete win-win.

[DawnM]

19 hours ago, G5052 said:

 

Not just because I'm a community college professor, but I'm a big fan of community colleges. Both of mine are CC graduates and are now commuting to a four-year that is perfect for each of their goals. Both are in unique programs, one's major at that school is considered one of the top twenty in the country . We saved tens of thousands of dollars, and they had some outstanding CC professors and are pulling high grades at the four-year. For us, it was a complete win-win.

 

My oldest started at CC.  He got 52 credits there I believe, however, only 20 of them transferred.  😢

For 2nd son, CC will be a great option.

 

Edited September 12, 2019 by DawnM

[MamaSprout]

We have a few small privates locally who offer scholarships/ merit aid to students who have finished up the AS or AA at the community college. Sometimes it's program specific, and sometimes it's just another factor in the financial aid wizardry.

In our area, we have list of what classes transfer to which schools. If transferring everything is the goal, find out if there is such an articulation agreement. Our graduated kids did not have everything transfer, and we were not surprised. They were simply the best classes available for their situation at the time.

[DawnM]

31 minutes ago, MamaSprout said:

We have a few small privates locally who offer scholarships/ merit aid to students who have finished up the AS or AA at the community college. Sometimes it's program specific, and sometimes it's just another factor in the financial aid wizardry.

In our area, we have list of what classes transfer to which schools. If transferring everything is the goal, find out if there is such an articulation agreement. Our graduated kids did not have everything transfer, and we were not surprised. They were simply the best classes available for their situation at the time.

 

For the program we are looking at, 100% will transfer as they have a partnership.  Oldest just started at CC and we honestly were shocked he even did that, he has some significant LDs and we didn't know he would go the college route, but he surprised us all.   So, it is fine that they didn't all transfer.  It was still the path he needed at the time.

Our 4 year state colleges have a "college transfer" program through the CC where 100% transfers.

And then now this private college as an agreement where 100% of their program transfers.