Grandparents paying for college, but with stipulations

[DawnM]

UPDATE:  Several of you are responding as if this is new info, so I am going to put the update in my OP.  I HAVE discussed the offer with my kids, but told them they are not obligated to change course at this time.  My oldest really can't.  My middle is considering it, but is waiting to see how this semester goes (I have posted an update option we are considering locally for him on page 2.)  

 

Here is the UNALTERED Original Post below:

 

I am here in AZ with my parents and they decided to tell us now, after 2 kids are already in college and set for next year, that they would like to pay for my kids' college, but ONLY if they go to the colleges of my parents' choice (AKA: The religious choice colleges)  Right now, both are in secular schools.  One is at a private school and one is at a public college.

I am NOT complaining, I promise, it is a generous offer, but I am a bit frustrated.  Most of my paycheck has gone to pay for college for the boys and if they had told us this 3 years ago, we would have planned accordingly and I would have been fine telling the boys they go to the colleges my parents chose or they pay for their own, but now it just seems like it is too late and too much scrambling around to switch colleges.

When I get back I will present the offer to my boys, but I will not tell them they have to change or pay, I don't think it is fair to them.  

What would YOU do?  Just getting some perspective.

Edited September 10, 2019 by DawnM

[Lecka]

I would not have a lot of trust that there wouldn’t be more conditions added later, or excuses looked for not to pay later on.  

I also would wonder about associated costs that might be much higher, and would those be paid, or only tuition (or what).  

I just would not have a lot of trust.  

I think it’s something that could be easy to say but harder to follow through on.

I would also be angry/frustrated they waited so long when many decisions about where to attend school were being made years ago, on many sides and not just the financial side.  

If they have had a change in their situation I would understand that.  Otherwise it would seem very flighty to me.  

I think if you have a better relationship with them and they aren’t generally manipulative with things, and there is some explanation of how they weren’t aware of this before and then realized and are very committed to it — then I think it is very gracious and I hope it works out.  

[RootAnn]

No way. I would have turned them down immediately and not mentioned it to my kids. If they would have made the offer years ago, I would have let the kids make the decision (although I know what most of them would say already). This late in the game? When the ground rules are already in play? Not even worth considering.

What kind of power play are they going for? Ugh! Not my type of people, that's for sure.

(My mom tried to make conditions for my wedding. I politely told her that it was my wedding that DH & I were paying for so she didn't get a say in it. Everytime she's tried to put her conditions on something, I've been able to decline because I could. Thankfully.)

[SoCal_Bear]

Money always comes with strings. That's my two cents. 

 

[...................]

I say NOPE and NO WAY.

(preface: I am a Bible believing CHristian who was also raised in Catholic Schools.  While I am no longer Catholic I do highly value religious education and the love and care that comes at these types of schools and colleges...)

BUT someone who is going to be that controlling from the get-go is going to be controlling in other ways too, and there is no telling where it will end.  I cannot even imagine my in=laws or parents being able to afford helping for college but then stipulating where the kids would go. NONE of my parent sets (we have three, two religious and one secular set) and NONE of them would ever have pulled this type of control stunt on us.

It's one thing to say "It's for college only" (aka it's not for a convertible or a vacation or a condo in Costa Rica)

BUT to say "It's for only this type of college" is very controlling. Save your sanity.  Steer clear.

[DawnM]

Well, to be fair, they just hadn't discussed it until now and just decided how they would like to use the money.  They weren't *trying* to throw it at me to be controlling, they were trying to help, and they believe strongly in religious colleges.  

Once they commit to something, they don't pull the rug out, so I am not worried about that aspect, BUT, I do worry that they will become incapacitated or die before the kids are through!  They are in their late 80s.

And, honestly, I think this money is coming to me when they die, so it is kind of my money they are spending ultimately.  🤣

[gstharr]

4 hours ago, DawnM said:

 

And, honestly, I think this money is coming to me when they die, so it is kind of my money they are spending ultimately.  🤣

Now, I"m confused.

[G5052]

I wouldn't take it. You almost always lose when you transfer anyway. Sometimes you have to, but I wouldn't for this.

I'm in a situation where one of mine could use some college money for the second half of a four-year degree, but I'm wary of getting money from the relatives that have offered for similar reasons. I'm OK for this academic year, so I think we'll just take it one year at a time and turn them down. She's a commuter student at a state school, so it's not bad if there has to be a loan for her senior year.  

[DawnM]

8 hours ago, gstharr said:

Now, I"m confused.

 

It will most likely be my inheritance when they pass away is what I am saying.  

[DawnM]

4 hours ago, G5052 said:

I wouldn't take it. You almost always lose when you transfer anyway. Sometimes you have to, but I wouldn't for this.

I'm in a situation where one of mine could use some college money for the second half of a four-year degree, but I'm wary of getting money from the relatives that have offered for similar reasons. I'm OK for this academic year, so I think we'll just take it one year at a time and turn them down. She's a commuter student at a state school, so it's not bad if there has to be a loan for her senior year.  

 

We may need to borrow some for our son as well (the one at private school).  He knows he owes back about 10k per year anyway as we only pay a certain amount, but we aren't sure we will have the cash this coming year.

[Lawyer&Mom]

Let them pay for grad school. Or weddings or down payments.  Just not college mid-stream. 

[DawnM]

1 minute ago, Lawyer&Mom said:

Let them pay for grad school. Or weddings or down payments.  Just not college mid-stream. 

 

They are late 80s and not in great health, I honestly don't think they will be around for grad school or weddings down the road.  

[klmama]

Have you told your parents what you've told us?  Do they understand that your dc's plans are already set for the fall and that they'd likely lose already-earned credit in a transfer?  

[Garga]

9 hours ago, klmama said:

Have you told your parents what you've told us?  Do they understand that your dc's plans are already set for the fall and that they'd likely lose already-earned credit in a transfer?  

 

This.  Do they understand that changing college isn’t like changing a high school?  Do they understand all the hoops you have to jump through to get into college and the stress?  And the loss of credits?  And how the college has to be a good fit?  Essays and transcripts and letters of recommendation, blah blah blah...

I tried to explain to my 77 yo FIL that a college needs to be a good fit and he totally wasn’t buying it.  “You go to college to get an education.  Who cares if it’s big or small or a “good fit”?”  He seemed to think I was some sort of namby pamby snowflake for even suggesting it.  Sigh.  

So, good luck explaining the stress and nuances of switching colleges mid-way, but you can try.  I’m not sure that people in their 80s understand the educational world of today, but maybe they’ll get it.  Or maybe they’ll think you’re all just lazy for not wanting to jump through a few hoops to apply.  Who knows?  Depends on the older person.  Some are flexible and some are very rigid.  

But I’d start there and see what their reaction is.

Edited June 19, 2019 by Garga

[mathnerd]

If I were you, I would state clearly that I do not desire to "force" the children to transfer to religious colleges by dangling cash in front of them and that if the grandparents wished to, they are welcome to pay off the college fees of the current college choices. Just because your parents value a religious school does not make your sons obliged to conform to those beliefs, does it? This is a form of controlling even if it is done so with "altruistic" intentions (ask me how I know!). They are essentially feeling entitled to have a controlling say in the college educations of kids who are not their own because they can pay for it if their grandkids followed their directions. I have family members who want such control even after their death, by putting such stipulations in their will!

If they decide not to pay for the current colleges, you will get a bigger inheritance as you state! 

[Lori D.]

"What a very generous and kind offer! However, tying the money to a particular college just doesn't work for for many reasons, so if you want to withdraw your offer, we understand, and no hard feelings. But, if you would still like to make a general contribution towards grandkids' college fund without any restrictions about where/how the funds are spent, then here's how to do so in the way that works best tax-wise for both of us _________________."

[DawnM]

I am not going to argue with them or tell them they should fund a school choice they don’t support.  It’s ok, really, if the kids want it, they can change, if not, we will just keep paying.

 

it really is their choice to spend as they want if it is their money.   I understand why they want to do it this way.  I know they mean well.   I just wish they had thought of this or decided 2 or 3 years ago, that is most of my beef.

[chiguirre]

1 hour ago, DawnM said:

I am not going to argue with them or tell them they should fund a school choice they don’t support.  It’s ok, really, if the kids want it, they can change, if not, we will just keep paying.

 

it really is their choice to spend as they want if it is their money.   I understand why they want to do it this way.  I know they mean well.   I just wish they had thought of this or decided 2 or 3 years ago, that is most of my beef.

Isn't one of your sons a senior? And the other just finished transferring? (I'm sorry if I've got the details wrong but unless they're freshmen willing to do a gap year, my advice still holds).

It's the middle of June, they won't be able to enroll anywhere but an open enrollment CC or local university for this fall. Do your parents understand the timeline? Would they be more flexible about the college choice if they realized that your sons picked their schools based on affordability long before they made their offer? I like Lori's suggestion.

I'm sure they mean well, but they probably don't understand the logistical nightmare of transferring to their preferred school at this point. I think it's worth explaining the situation to see if they'll be more flexible.

[katilac]

I would forward the message to my kids in the interest of transparency. Like you, I would not make them switch or pay more than they've already been paying. I would also be very honest and forthcoming about why I don't think it's a great idea. 

And yes, very good point about them possibly dying or becoming incapacitated before the boys are done. Unless they put the money in some type of trust, someone could transfer for a year and then be left hanging. I would absolutely point out to my kids that there's no telling what might happen a year or two down the road if they do choose to accept. I would talk a lot about how freedom and making your own choices can be just as valuable as money, bc that's the way I feel. 

If they put the money in a trust and one of them always wanted to go to one of those schools anyway, it might not be a terrible idea. It sounds like you're confident that your parents will follow through as they can, but a trust or such is the only way to do that. Or some kind of 529, and they trust you to not use it for secular school. You might ask an accountant about options. 

 

[catz]

Actually, my larger concern would be about paying for long term nursing care if their health isn't good and keeping options open for higher quality end of life if funds aren't infinitely high.  Nursing care burns through money rather quickly.  

Are your kids taking out loans or paying for any of their own tuition anyway?  I can't imagine my own kids wanting to switch  if they were happy in their current setting.  I would tell them in the interest of transparency.  

[JennyD]

3 hours ago, FuzzyCatz said:

Actually, my larger concern would be about paying for long term nursing care if their health isn't good and keeping options open for higher quality end of life if funds aren't infinitely high.  Nursing care burns through money rather quickly.  

 

I agree with this.

[DawnM]

3 hours ago, FuzzyCatz said:

Actually, my larger concern would be about paying for long term nursing care if their health isn't good and keeping options open for higher quality end of life if funds aren't infinitely high.  Nursing care burns through money rather quickly.  

Are your kids taking out loans or paying for any of their own tuition anyway?  I can't imagine my own kids wanting to switch  if they were happy in their current setting.  I would tell them in the interest of transparency.  

 

15 minutes ago, JennyD said:

 

I agree with this.

 

Thanks, but they have already paid into a care facility and are covered for that.  It is a graduated plan where they currently live.

[DawnM]

4 hours ago, chiguirre said:

Isn't one of your sons a senior? And the other just finished transferring? (I'm sorry if I've got the details wrong but unless they're freshmen willing to do a gap year, my advice still holds).

It's the middle of June, they won't be able to enroll anywhere but an open enrollment CC or local university for this fall. Do your parents understand the timeline? Would they be more flexible about the college choice if they realized that your sons picked their schools based on affordability long before they made their offer? I like Lori's suggestion.

I'm sure they mean well, but they probably don't understand the logistical nightmare of transferring to their preferred school at this point. I think it's worth explaining the situation to see if they'll be more flexible.

 

No, a Junior and a Sophomore next year.

My parents want my kids at a religious college, so there is no flexibility there.  I know my parents, it isn't worth arguing.  Yes, they do understand and even commented that they are willing to pay for additional time they may need.

 

[MamaSprout]

13 hours ago, katilac said:

If they put the money in a trust and one of them always wanted to go to one of those schools anyway, it might not be a terrible idea. It sounds like you're confident that your parents will follow through as they can, but a trust or such is the only way to do that. Or some kind of 529, and they trust you to not use it for secular school. You might ask an accountant about options. 

 

Honestly, very few trusts benefit the beneficiaries as much as the institution managing it. 529's are a different matter.

In kind of a reverse to OP's situation I know someone who offered to pay for their nieces and nephews, provided that none of them went to his alma mater, lol.

I think I would have to say "Thanks, the offer is so kind, but no thanks" to this particular offer unless the current situation is truly a financial burden. Lost work years have financial value, too. I don't think it would be inappropriate for the kids to drop g'ma and g'pa a note talking about what they are doing and what their plans are, then leave it at that unless one or the other plans on graduate school that could be completed at a religious university.

 

Edited June 19, 2019 by MamaSprout

[Lanny]

Stipulations = NO

Tax Implications = ?

Financial Aid Implications = ?

[BusyMom5]

Just say thanks, but no thanks.  I wouldn't even bother telling the kids.   It's too late, and regardless of what they say, they do not understand how it works. 

[MerryAtHope]

 I think your plan to tell them that it’s an option is about the most you can do currently. It is hard to switch right now, as they might not even be able to get the classes they would need. But if they wanted to do the legwork and try to figure it out to see if it could work, that would be up to them I think. Since it will be your inheritance later on hopefully that helps you later even though things are hard now.

[pitterpatter]

Yes! A hundred times, yes. Not a fun situation to be in when it all falls into your lap. (Actually, it's devastating. Prepare now. If they pay for your DC's college and then something happens to them within the next seven years, the government probably isn't going to help you/them.)

On 6/18/2019 at 5:21 PM, FuzzyCatz said:

Actually, my larger concern would be about paying for long term nursing care if their health isn't good and keeping options open for higher quality end of life if funds aren't infinitely high.  Nursing care burns through money rather quickly.

By the way, I had rich uncles pay for part of my college. It had stipulations. Not fun. It taught me a fine lesson, though.

[katilac]

10 hours ago, BusyMom5 said:

Just say thanks, but no thanks.  I wouldn't even bother telling the kids.   It's too late, and regardless of what they say, they do not understand how it works. 

One of them just completed freshman year and the youngest hasn't even started, so I wouldn't say it was too late. Some students would be fine with skipping one or two semesters if it meant attending a certain college. I'm not in favor of the arrangement, but not bc it's too late. And I would tell the kids, including all potential drawbacks of course, because presumably the grandparents and grandkids do talk sometimes!

[MamaSprout]

13 minutes ago, katilac said:

One of them just completed freshman year and the youngest hasn't even started, so I wouldn't say it was too late. Some students would be fine with skipping one or two semesters if it meant attending a certain college. I'm not in favor of the arrangement, but not bc it's too late. And I would tell the kids, including all potential drawbacks of course, because presumably the grandparents and grandkids do talk sometimes!

I think they are both already in college.

[BusyMom5]

21 minutes ago, katilac said:

One of them just completed freshman year and the youngest hasn't even started, so I wouldn't say it was too late. Some students would be fine with skipping one or two semesters if it meant attending a certain college. I'm not in favor of the arrangement, but not bc it's too late. And I would tell the kids, including all potential drawbacks of course, because presumably the grandparents and grandkids do talk sometimes!

Yes, it's too late- classes have been picked, living arrangements made, financial aid completed, scholarships awarded.  Switching now would mean changing all of those plans that have just been completed.  I know it's POSSIBLE they could switch now, but it's not advisable.  We are advising High School Juniors to be looking and scouting scholarships and programs, and we tell kids they need to decide by December of Sr. year- dorms open in early spring, classes picked in March or April.  It is possible to start right now, but it puts you behind all of those who already chose their schools.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

2 hours ago, BusyMom5 said:

Yes, it's too late- classes have been picked, living arrangements made, financial aid completed, scholarships awarded.  Switching now would mean changing all of those plans that have just been completed.  I know it's POSSIBLE they could switch now, but it's not advisable.  We are advising High School Juniors to be looking and scouting scholarships and programs, and we tell kids they need to decide by December of Sr. year- dorms open in early spring, classes picked in March or April.  It is possible to start right now, but it puts you behind all of those who already chose their schools.

I know that some colleges do early deposits on housing, but I  would be very interested to hear what schools require course registration in Mar-Apr when decision day nationwide is May 1.  

As for deciding where they are going by Dec senior year, that only works if decisions are back that early.  I've had kids waiting on decisions in March and April.

[BusyMom5]

For currently enrolled students, classes open on April 1 for fall semester at my local school.  Freshman do have to wait until a few weeks later.  For spring classes, the usually start enrolling in October. 

[Corraleno]

On June 18, 2019 at 8:33 AM, DawnM said:

It will most likely be my inheritance when they pass away is what I am saying.  

It sounds like the most practical thing to do is just leave the kids where they are, and then when you inherit the money, you can reimburse yourself for your contributions and maybe pay some of their loans as well. So their education still gets paid for, but at the colleges they chose and without the disruption of transferring.

[GoVanGogh]

The religious schools we have looked at don’t have anything near what our child is interested in studying. To attend a religious school a grandparent would pay for would mean our child wouldn’t be studying what he has wanted to for years now. That right there would be main consideration. 

I would let the children know about the offer. But I would sit down and look at what it would take to transfer. As has already been said, housing and classes have already been picked for the fall. How much would it cost to change now? I don’t think most older people today realize what college and the job markets are like today. 

[katilac]

8 hours ago, BusyMom5 said:

Yes, it's too late- classes have been picked, living arrangements made, financial aid completed, scholarships awarded.  Switching now would mean changing all of those plans that have just been completed.  I know it's POSSIBLE they could switch now, but it's not advisable.   

I don't think it's advisable, either, but not because it's 'too late.' It's not. Rising juniors transfer all the time, the next is a rising sophomore, so that would seem to leave a rising freshman. It will be too late for the fall semester at many schools, but likely not all, and to some students it would be worth it to sit out fall and transfer in spring. It's not what I would do, but 'too late' is not a reason to not tell the kids about the offer. It's their decision.

 The grandparents have said they would fund any extra time needed, and presumably they will fund sticker price (as you can't assume anyone will get a scholarship). Everything else is workable if you WANT to change schools. 

[DawnM]

I have told both of the college age kids.  One said he will keep it in mind in case his current program doesn't work out (he is pre-engineering right now and if he doesn't make it in or doesn't like his state school......)

Oldest would need to change his major completely or go really far away.  Not happening.

So, thanks for the advice.  I am good now.

PS:  I have also now told my 15 year old, but I had to add that the grandparents may not even be around or lucid by then.  But I assured him we would do the same for him we did for the others (X dollar amount and you pay the difference if you go elsewhere) if this offer isn't around or he doesn't want to take it.

Edited June 22, 2019 by DawnM

[DawnM]

Just a little update.   The Christian college near us has just started a program (literally like after I started this thread!) and it is a really great opportunity.

Get an AA from the local community college and go to the private Christian college for $2500/year tuition!  (Their full price tuition is $30k!).  That would literally make college $10k for 4 years if you did the entire program and lived at home.

The good thing about this program is that even if my parents can't pay in a year or two (passed away or not lucid) it is more than affordable for us (Heck, I have been bribing him to consider it!).  

My son (middle son) went to the community college to ask them about it and they said you have to get only 25% of your credits from them in order to qualify.  So, he has started at the local 4 year state school, but if he changes his mind (he is a sophomore), he would only need a semester or so at the CC and then would qualify to go to the program.    There are NO grade requirements, although you do have to meet the requirements to enter the private school, and NO income requirements!  As long as you get an AA from the local CC, they have the partnership with this private college.  To me, this is an AMAZING opportunity.   

Room and board is another $12k or so, but that can be discussed later if he chooses to live at school.   Right now, he likes living at home.

We will see what he decides.

Edited September 6, 2019 by DawnM

[iamonlyone]

Wow! What a great opportunity for students in your community to attend a private college! Hope each of your sons ends up just where he needs to be.

[DawnM]

6 hours ago, iamonlyone said:

Wow! What a great opportunity for students in your community to attend a private college! Hope each of your sons ends up just where he needs to be.

 

That is what I think!  I don't know how long it will be available, but it is available now.  I can't imagine this will be ongoing forever, and parents who paid far more for their kids to go to the school are not happy.  I get it.  My oldest goes to private college and I would be upset if he graduated and then they offered the school for dirt cheap and we hadn't had the opportunity to do the same thing.

[iamonlyone]

7 hours ago, DawnM said:

 

That is what I think!  I don't know how long it will be available, but it is available now.  I can't imagine this will be ongoing forever, and parents who paid far more for their kids to go to the school are not happy.  I get it.  My oldest goes to private college and I would be upset if he graduated and then they offered the school for dirt cheap and we hadn't had the opportunity to do the same thing.

 

I can kind of relate. My sophomore daughter's college started a loan payment forgiveness program: the amount you owe is reduced according to your salary after graduation. So, if you start out in a lower paying career, or take a few years to begin earning a better salary, you don't have to pay as much of your student loan back. This was instituted the year after dd started; as a graphic design major, I think she probably would have had some of her student loan forgiven after graduation. Ah well, I'm happy for those who do benefit.

[Tree Frog]

54 minutes ago, iamonlyone said:

 

I can kind of relate. My sophomore daughter's college started a loan payment forgiveness program: the amount you owe is reduced according to your salary after graduation. So, if you start out in a lower paying career, or take a few years to begin earning a better salary, you don't have to pay as much of your student loan back. This was instituted the year after dd started; as a graphic design major, I think she probably would have had some of her student loan forgiven after graduation. Ah well, I'm happy for those who do benefit.

I've wondered how this might work. Could a student opt to not find a job so as to avoid paying back any loan? Or maybe just a very low paying job to repay less? It seems like it could reinforce a mentality or decision to not pay it back.

[iamonlyone]

7 hours ago, wilrunner said:

I've wondered how this might work. Could a student opt to not find a job so as to avoid paying back any loan? Or maybe just a very low paying job to repay less? It seems like it could reinforce a mentality or decision to not pay it back.

Huh, good questions! The website says this:

"...this safety net will assist with repaying a student loan, after graduation, if the graduate’s income is below $43,000. The lower the graduate’s income, the higher the percentage of repayment, up to 100%, until their income increases."

So, it does kind of seem like people could game the system if they wanted to.

ETA: Or does it just mean they don't have to pay anything until later, but the actual loan amount is not decreased? I guess I may not be understanding it correctly (as loan forgiveness).

Edited September 8, 2019 by iamonlyone

[Bambam]

I would explain some realities to them. I don't think they have thought this all the way through.

First - is it fair to all your kids? Are there any other grandchildren? So, for the kids who have already spent time in college (and money), they only get the remaining years paid for while the younger kids get all 4 years free? 

Second, I don't know about there, but here religious colleges are three times as expensive. $60,000 per year vs. $20,000. You can send a lot more kids to a public university than you can a private. Can they swing that extra cost for all the grandchildren? Do they even realize how expensive college is? 

Third, I'd explain some other realities:

    -that for the kids who are currently in college, if they transfer, they might lose some credits in the transfer process. Or they might have to take extra courses because for some majors, you have to take so many hours in that section in order to graduate. This might extend their time in college as well - so instead of them finishing at the public school in 2 semesters (at $10,000/semester = $20,000 total) now they are at a private university for 3 semesters (at $30,000/semester = $90,000 total).   

  -that for kids who are interested in continuing to grad school, it is possible they have made contacts/developed relationships with professors at that public school and to transfer might mess that up. They also might be involved in research at their current university (or Mock UN, or whatever)

  - Not all religious colleges offer all majors. What if one child wants to major in XYZ major but religious college doesn't offer it? So, no money for that child because they picked their major unwisely? Here, you can have this $$$ *IF* you let me select the school *AND* you let me restrict you to *THESE* degree options? 

I think you need to sit down with your parents and discuss and explain a lot of this. It is possible they just don't understand the implications of this. 

But I don't like restrictions. 

But on the other hand, both my kids have scholarships that have requirements for continuing eligibility (GPA, number of credit hours per semester, etc)

[73349]

On 9/7/2019 at 7:16 AM, DawnM said:

My oldest goes to private college and I would be upset if he graduated and then they offered the school for dirt cheap and we hadn't had the opportunity to do the same thing.

I know what you mean. When I was in college, starting for students the year behind me (i.e., other students my age, as I was young for grade), the merit scholarship I had increased 33%. It would've saved me a fortune in loans.

[DawnM]

2 hours ago, Bambam said:

I would explain some realities to them. I don't think they have thought this all the way through.

First - is it fair to all your kids? Are there any other grandchildren? So, for the kids who have already spent time in college (and money), they only get the remaining years paid for while the younger kids get all 4 years free? 

Second, I don't know about there, but here religious colleges are three times as expensive. $60,000 per year vs. $20,000. You can send a lot more kids to a public university than you can a private. Can they swing that extra cost for all the grandchildren? Do they even realize how expensive college is? 

Third, I'd explain some other realities:

    -that for the kids who are currently in college, if they transfer, they might lose some credits in the transfer process. Or they might have to take extra courses because for some majors, you have to take so many hours in that section in order to graduate. This might extend their time in college as well - so instead of them finishing at the public school in 2 semesters (at $10,000/semester = $20,000 total) now they are at a private university for 3 semesters (at $30,000/semester = $90,000 total).   

  -that for kids who are interested in continuing to grad school, it is possible they have made contacts/developed relationships with professors at that public school and to transfer might mess that up. They also might be involved in research at their current university (or Mock UN, or whatever)

  - Not all religious colleges offer all majors. What if one child wants to major in XYZ major but religious college doesn't offer it? So, no money for that child because they picked their major unwisely? Here, you can have this $$$ *IF* you let me select the school *AND* you let me restrict you to *THESE* degree options? 

I think you need to sit down with your parents and discuss and explain a lot of this. It is possible they just don't understand the implications of this. 

But I don't like restrictions. 

But on the other hand, both my kids have scholarships that have requirements for continuing eligibility (GPA, number of credit hours per semester, etc)

 

They know all of this.  They strongly believe in religious education.  It has nothing to do with the ultimate price tag, so comparing prices won't mean anything in their decisions.

And no, my kids are their only grandchildren.  I was an only child.

[katilac]

On 9/7/2019 at 2:54 PM, wilrunner said:

I've wondered how this might work. Could a student opt to not find a job so as to avoid paying back any loan? Or maybe just a very low paying job to repay less? It seems like it could reinforce a mentality or decision to not pay it back.

Well, people have to eat and pay rent and stuff, lol, so I don't see an appreciable number of students not working just so they don't have to pay their student loans back. And the vast majority of people would prefer to have a higher-paying job and pay their student loans back. Unless you're likely to stay right on the cusp forever and ask your boss to pay you $42,500 instead of $43,000 it's not going to make financial sense to deliberately choose a low-paying job. 

Most professional jobs that pay poorly are those that are considered to strongly contribute to society; social workers and teachers come to mind.  That's usually the stated reason for loan forgiveness programs. Of course it also removes some of the fear of taking out loans no matter what field you're going into, but they don't have to fear tons of people deciding to deliberately makes less than $43,000 just to avoid repaying their loans. 

 

[Janeway]

On 6/17/2019 at 7:13 PM, DawnM said:

I am here in AZ with my parents and they decided to tell us now, after 2 kids are already in college and set for next year, that they would like to pay for my kids' college, but ONLY if they go to the colleges of my parents' choice (AKA: The religious choice colleges)  Right now, both are in secular schools.  One is at a private school and one is at a public college.

I am NOT complaining, I promise, it is a generous offer, but I am a bit frustrated.  Most of my paycheck has gone to pay for college for the boys and if they had told us this 3 years ago, we would have planned accordingly and I would have been fine telling the boys they go to the colleges my parents chose or they pay for their own, but now it just seems like it is too late and too much scrambling around to switch colleges.

When I get back I will present the offer to my boys, but I will not tell them they have to change or pay, I don't think it is fair to them.  

What would YOU do?  Just getting some perspective.

That is not a gift, it is a curse. And it is rotten for the grandparents to do this. Just say no. And you can tell the kids about it, but throw in that they should never ever allow someone else to purchase their mind, their religion, from them. Which is what they would be doing if they took the money. 

[DawnM]

1 minute ago, Janeway said:

That is not a gift, it is a curse. And it is rotten for the grandparents to do this. Just say no. And you can tell the kids about it, but throw in that they should never ever allow someone else to purchase their mind, their religion, from them. Which is what they would be doing if they took the money. 

 

Thanks for your thoughts, but this really isn't the way I view it.  

[BlsdMama]

On 6/17/2019 at 7:13 PM, DawnM said:

I am here in AZ with my parents and they decided to tell us now, after 2 kids are already in college and set for next year, that they would like to pay for my kids' college, but ONLY if they go to the colleges of my parents' choice (AKA: The religious choice colleges)  Right now, both are in secular schools.  One is at a private school and one is at a public college.

I am NOT complaining, I promise, it is a generous offer, but I am a bit frustrated.  Most of my paycheck has gone to pay for college for the boys and if they had told us this 3 years ago, we would have planned accordingly and I would have been fine telling the boys they go to the colleges my parents chose or they pay for their own, but now it just seems like it is too late and too much scrambling around to switch colleges.

When I get back I will present the offer to my boys, but I will not tell them they have to change or pay, I don't think it is fair to them.  

What would YOU do?  Just getting some perspective.

I think it's grossly unfair to refuse to present the offer unless they are currently getting college free to them.  I presume they have a decent sense of judgement and are at least 18 and capable of having a discussion to present considerations and pros/cons.

It's going to eventually come up... "Well, we OFFERED, but..." because this is what people who tend to manipulate do.  Now, are they being manipulative?  Not necessarily.  It might be that they are in a better financial spot than they thought, or after more careful consideration, that they said to themselves, "Self, it is important that Child X go to School Y.  How important, Self?  Important enough to PAY for it?" And then decided, yes, important enough to pay for it.

It's their money.  If they want to offer it up with stipulations, so be it.  You are under no obligation to accept it.  And I get that you aren't complaining!  I'm just generalizing - We never love strings, but most things come with them.  It's just, as adults, we're used to having ultimate control.  "You can borrow my car, don't text, don't eat in it,  and drive under the speed limit." Same deal here - you're welcome to drive your own car, but if you want MY car, there are rules."

I don't understand not presenting the offer.  I'd weigh in with my thoughts, but it really isn't an offer to me alone so I don't think I'd have the right to turn it down, kwim?

ETA: I also don't understand the sense of entitlement on this issue.  It seems as though, when offered a gift, you have the option of sitting down and telling the gift bearer what's wrong with their gift, why it sucks, what they should do instead, and how they could have done it better because their carefully considered plan is totally unacceptable as a gift.

Are you kidding me? 

No.  That's not how adults accept a gift.  Adults are free to say, "Thank you so much for your generous offer, and I will offer it to the kids and see what they say."

But this indulgent sense of rage over it not being precisely what you would do is a little crazy to me.  And I'll further add, who are the 19-22 year olds that can't make this consideration, have a discussion, and make an informed decision?  Boggled right now at this discussion.

 

Edited September 10, 2019 by BlsdMama