How much help (paperwork) for college tuition?

[amyx4]

I cannot tell if I'm helping my teen too much or too little. I would appreciate some advice. 

So, he lives at home and goes to the local university. Each semester is paid by a combination of his merit aid, his loan, and we make cash monthly payments.  Each and every semester, he makes some sort of "financial error."  (One semester he never signed his student loans)

This spring semester, he set up our monthly payments with our credit credit.  Mid-semester, the card had fraudulent activity. I asked ds to take the new card to the school and updated the information. I asked politely, multiple times over the semester. He never did. So now he cannot access his spring grades or register for the fall. Dh is planning to ride over to campus with ds and wait in the car while ds figures this out. This problem is fixable. But every semester if feels like he just misses getting into some sort of serious problem.  He's bright and funny and sweet but he has the horrible knack for procrastinating.

Should I have set-up the payments myself in January? Should I have done the card updated myself mid-semester? I went to college and my parents never helped with anything, so that's really coloring the way I see this problem. Help me put some perspective on this.

[Corraleno]

A lot of people have trouble remembering irregular, one-off tasks, and college students are often juggling so many different tasks and deadlines that I would totally cut him some slack. The part of tuition that I am responsible for, I pay myself, I don't ask DS to handle those payments on top of his scholarship stuff. And I provide him with plenty of reminders about other things, too — I don't see the point in punishing someone for being forgetful. I used to be naturally very organized and always 100% on top of things, but once I hit my 50s my brain seems to have transitioned from "steel trap" to "sieve," and I certainly appreciate it when others cut me some slack when I forget something.

[Lori D.]

^^^ What Corraleno shared was how things worked here for both DSs. DS#1 is in the midst of going back for a second Bachelor degree, and he is totally responsible for it at this point, but he is also 27yo. I would not have expected my late teen/early 20s boys to handle college finances solo, or even with a lot of reminders from me. It was too important, plus we were paying, so we handled all the finances directly, and I gave a lot of reminders on scholarship application deadlines, registration deadlines, etc.

re: credit card
DSs only had debit cards until about age 24, when they applied for their own credit cards. I would have been very uncomfortable with a shared credit card with DSs, as when they were new high school graduates, they didn't think to pay attention to things like fraudulent activity or setting up automatic payments with a new credit card.

I think every student matures at a different rate and is ready for bigger levels of solo responsibilities at different ages. It's a case of knowing the particular adult child in front of you. Mine are both "late bloomers", so stepping into solo financial responsibilities really wasn't realistic for *them* until into their 20s. YMMV.

Edited May 30, 2019 by Lori D.

[Hoggirl]

We handled all payments to ds’s college.  Other than his one-time National Merit Scholarship of $2.500, he had no merit money and no loans.  We set up an on-line account and would get emails each quarter that read, “Your statement is ready to view.” (Or something like that - it may have even said, “bill.”)  We had the option of paying online with a check (pretty sure there was an extra fee if using a credit card) and used that. I’m sure there was a way to set up a monthly payment, too, but we didn’t do that. 

IMO, too much is at stake to put that financial responsibility on a student.   In my mind, payment was our responsibility - not his.   
And, our ds was a teenager until his senior year of college, though I don’t think that’s relevant.  No matter how responsible a student was, I wouldn’t put the burden on them to make sure I was paying my “part.”
 

 

[catz]

I am sending a freshman to college this fall and his college sets it up so parents can have an account to access and pay directly that way online.  I fully expect we will be doing that without his involvement and I find it odd that colleges that obviously expect parents to be involved in paying (hello FAFSA/CSS) don't make it pretty seamless for parents to get in and send them tuition.  

Edited May 30, 2019 by FuzzyCatz

[amyx4]

Yes, he's still a teen. Yes, that payment was our portion that we're paying. Yes, I did ask him to setup the payments this semester.

I *thought* it was appropriate for him to manage all the merit/loans/cash payment deadlines because I did all of that at his age. However, I remember feeling overwhelmed.

Thanks guys, I appreciate the perspective. I didn't realize that parents can/would/should help with all of that. I posted to see how other parents handled these things. 

[Tree Frog]

We have a dd who has graduated from under grad, a dd who is in college, and a ds who will be attending college next year. We have provided them the money we've said we would, then let them handle it. DH and each student have set up a budget, which allows DH to see how they're spending. We get email reminders that bills are due and usually ask if our teen/young adult has paid for them. Our expectation is that they will handle their financial things themselves. So far, it has worked well for us.

In the case of multiple reminders, I've explained the possible consequences of said forgetfulness, then asked our student how they will remember to do X. Usually just by thinking through how they'll remember helps them remember. Sometimes I'll also send a text for a visual reminder.

[RootAnn]

I'm definitely a fan of OJT, reminders, and "trust but verify." I'm sending a 17 yr old to college this fall & plan to continue all three as there is plenty to learn, forget, and mess up with the whole college process.

I, too, handled it all myself but mine will have learning to live in a big city (my college was in a city smaller than what I grew up in while DD is going where the undergrad population is 3x+ bigger than her hometown), set up doc appts herself (in the city as the college doesn't even have a nurse on campus & she will need to continue her allergy shots), and apply for study abroad almost right away. I did none of those.

I'm all for scaffolding as necessary for each kid. Check out Jenny in Fl's past posts for how she has struggled with when to stop helping with admin tasks.

[MerryAtHope]

I handled all of that as a student too, but there were some significant differences between my situation and my kids'. When I went to school, it was fairly easy to pay for school with a combination of working and a Pell Grant. One could claim independence from one's parents if the parents couldn't or wouldn't help, and the paperwork was very little. My mom was widowed and really not able to help, and also didn't really know the ins and outs of how things worked. A professor actually told me about how I could become independent and apply for a Pell Grant. Doing that involved a phone call home to make sure that was okay (so mom wouldn't declare me any more), and going to the financial aid office. The paperwork was so little that I actually stood at the counter to fill it out. They handled the rest (whatever there was to do), and I was all set up with a grant. Then I worked and paid for the rest. No loans, no pulling money from multiple areas etc...

Today's process is much more complex. It's designed so that students HAVE to be dependent on their parents to fill out things like the FAFSA (and what a huge headache for those kids who have parents who won't help with that!). The expenses have gone up so much that most kids are going to need money from various places--and the repercussions of making a mistake are farther-reaching because of the high expense. So--shouldering all of the responsibility now really doesn't seem like an apples to apples comparison for what I experienced in the 80's. And because our finances are so necessarily linked in this whole process, I'm not really willing for big stakes consequences to happen to my kids--so I do step in more. 

With all that said--I don't think it's too much to ask of a student to go in and set up a new payment or to experience the consequence of not being able to see grades or registering until they get it taken care of. I'd look at the multiple issues (forgetting to sign loans etc...) as a sign that the student is trying to hold things like this in memory rather than setting up a system to remind himself (app reminders, a shared calendar that helps you both check in, a paper planner--something that can be referred to and not just a one-time reminder that disappears if they don't do the action then.) I'd take it as a sign that the student needs help learning how to manage things like this, and brainstorm over the summer what such a system might look like. 

Sorry this happened though!  

[easypeasy]

Yeah, for payments of this magnitude, I wouldn't put a hard line as far as how much I'd help. I give dd instructions and sometimes forget (and she sometimes forgets) and has to go back and fix it - but I view it that we're a team in this. The stakes are too high and we don't have $$ to hand over for late fees and such.

I figure when she moves out on her own, I'll probably still nag/remind her about specific bills and such until she's lived on her own for a full year. Again, just too much at stake and there are so many new moving parts to keep up with.

IMHO, it was SO MUCH EASIER when bills ALL came by mail. There was something dependable and reliable about that system. I had a big, bookstyle checkbook and twice a month would sit down with my envelopes of bills. I'd open them, verify they were each correct, write a check, put it in the envelope, stamp it, and put it in the stack to put in the mailbox.

There was something tactile to it. I knew every penny we were spending and it was easy to keep track of. Now, I never can remember which bills are paper, which are online. Most of them are auto-pay, so I often will forget to even check over them for accuracy. DDs college bills come online - but not through email - but on the portal. So you have to know to log in and check it at the right time before it's late.

[MerryAtHope]

1 hour ago, easypeasy said:

IMHO, it was SO MUCH EASIER when bills ALL came by mail. There was something dependable and reliable about that system. I had a big, bookstyle checkbook and twice a month would sit down with my envelopes of bills. I'd open them, verify they were each correct, write a check, put it in the envelope, stamp it, and put it in the stack to put in the mailbox.

There was something tactile to it. I knew every penny we were spending and it was easy to keep track of. Now, I never can remember which bills are paper, which are online. Most of them are auto-pay, so I often will forget to even check over them for accuracy. DDs college bills come online - but not through email - but on the portal. So you have to know to log in and check it at the right time before it's late.

 

When I made the change to auto-pay, I actually completely changed how I did my home accounting. Instead of a checkbook ledger, I made one up on the computer that I keep in a binder. It includes all of the regular bills in the order in which they are paid each month, and if they are auto-pay, I already have the amount in the "debit" column. Then when the payment clears the bank, I put the amount in the total column and subtract it from our balance. I know right away if something happened with an auto-payment because it won't be marked as cleared before something below it goes through (and because I have the date for the withdrawl noted as well--I have two things that prompt me to check on it.) Anything I pay by check I also have in date order, but without the amount already noted--usually those amounts vary anyway. Finally I keep a separate listing for the auto-pays that go through our CC, and check the CC account at least weekly to see if those have cleared. It also really helps to have this if our card gets hacked--I know all the accounts that have to be updated with a new number!

It's definitely a different mindset than when I started paying bills in the 80's! 

[easypeasy]

17 minutes ago, MerryAtHope said:

 

When I made the change to auto-pay, I actually completely changed how I did my home accounting. Instead of a checkbook ledger, I made one up on the computer that I keep in a binder. It includes all of the regular bills in the order in which they are paid each month, and if they are auto-pay, I already have the amount in the "debit" column. Then when the payment clears the bank, I put the amount in the total column and subtract it from our balance. I know right away if something happened with an auto-payment because it won't be marked as cleared before something below it goes through (and because I have the date for the withdrawl noted as well--I have two things that prompt me to check on it.) Anything I pay by check I also have in date order, but without the amount already noted--usually those amounts vary anyway. Finally I keep a separate listing for the auto-pays that go through our CC, and check the CC account at least weekly to see if those have cleared. It also really helps to have this if our card gets hacked--I know all the accounts that have to be updated with a new number!

It's definitely a different mindset than when I started paying bills in the 80's! 

 

After tax season this year, I bought Quicken and am going to install it and learn how to use it. We'll see how successful that is! 😂

Edited June 1, 2019 by easypeasy

[MerryAtHope]

2 minutes ago, easypeasy said:

 

After tax season this year, though, I bought Quicken and am going to install it and learn how to use it. We'll see how successful that is! 😂

 

I hope you like it! I just find it hard to give up paper, LOL! (But I also tried Quicken years ago, before so many of our payments were automated--maybe I'd like it better now!)

[easypeasy]

1 hour ago, MerryAtHope said:

 

I hope you like it! I just find it hard to give up paper, LOL! (But I also tried Quicken years ago, before so many of our payments were automated--maybe I'd like it better now!)

 

Oh, me too! It's why it's taken this long for me to even try it! But, keeping up with dh's personal business, school payments for three people, and rental houses, I am waving the white flag and going to attempt something new. My hopes are that it will force me to account for everything and possibly make it easier to take to an accountant next year. (I wanted to go to an accountant this year, but I was so unorganized because we were so busy that I would have basically dumped a box of receipts and paperwork onto their desk and ran out of the room screaming! lol) On-paper works great when I had all-paper to keep up with. Now with so many outside sources willing to automatically work with Quicken, I need to at least give it a whirl.

Pray for me. 😄

Hopefully it will be easy enough so that dh can sit down and enter in his business stuff without having to wait for me to do it...

[DawnM]

I just take care of it.  This is an area we can't screw up.  Oldest is on the Spectrum and middle is ADD.   Nope, I. will deal with the financial end.  You just go do your school work.

[fourisenough]

Yeah, I’m with DawnM. I pay the school bills. They handle everything else, but I feel like it’s appropriate for me to handle the financial piece through undergrad. 

I remember when I had my first apartment (during college) and had to start paying bills. I sent the rent check to the utility company and the utility payment to my management company one month. I got late fees for both and remember feeling like I couldn’t do anything right. I was a very mature-for-my-age go-getter, too. It was just a lot to learn to handle. I try to remember this when dealing with my college-aged kids. 

[Hoggirl]

10 hours ago, easypeasy said:

 

Oh, me too! It's why it's taken this long for me to even try it! But, keeping up with dh's personal business, school payments for three people, and rental houses, I am waving the white flag and going to attempt something new. My hopes are that it will force me to account for everything and possibly make it easier to take to an accountant next year. (I wanted to go to an accountant this year, but I was so unorganized because we were so busy that I would have basically dumped a box of receipts and paperwork onto their desk and ran out of the room screaming! lol) On-paper works great when I had all-paper to keep up with. Now with so many outside sources willing to automatically work with Quicken, I need to at least give it a whirl.

Pray for me. 😄

Hopefully it will be easy enough so that dh can sit down and enter in his business stuff without having to wait for me to do it...

 

Believe me, accountants are used to receiving a big box of receipts.  However, it is much more cost efficient to use an accountant when one is super organized.  The more organized you are, the less expensive it is to have them do your return/books, whatever they are doing for you.

[G5052]

I have one who took right off managing their own college issues, and one that is easing into it. The one who needs more help that way keeps a calendar on Google. I had them put in reminders like that and told them it was their job, period. If they didn't get things done in time, they had to make the phone calls too.

We're getting there. My one that struggles gets easily intimidated at times. I have access to the financial part and can see if it's paid, and the rest is theirs.

[katilac]

On 5/29/2019 at 11:06 PM, Hoggirl said:

 IMO, too much is at stake to put that financial responsibility on a student.  

I agree. 

I help with that type of thing on an as-needed basis

On 5/29/2019 at 6:35 PM, amyx4 said:

 This spring semester, he set up our monthly payments with our credit credit.  Mid-semester, the card had fraudulent activity. I asked ds to take the new card to the school and updated the information. I asked politely, multiple times over the semester. He never did. So now he cannot access his spring grades or register for the fall. Dh is planning to ride over to campus with ds and wait in the car while ds figures this out. T .

Was he agreeing to go update but then never did? I wonder if he has some anxiety over dealing with it. Personally, I wouldn't draw a line about waiting in the car while he figures it out - if dh is going to ride over to campus with him, why not ask ds if he wants dh to go in with him? It's financial, nothing to do with grades, so FERPA won't apply and ds doesn't have to do it on his own. Make him go with, yes, and encourage him to do the talking, but no big deal if dh has to take the lead. Some kids benefit greatly from seeing the interaction modeled. No matter how simple it seems to us, or how simple it is on paper, they aren't all ready to take that on. And, after thinking about it for a minute, it isn't even ds' credit card, right? An authorized user actually should be there. 

People are all different. Some are ready for certain tasks earlier than others, and we ALL make mistakes. I'm a grown person who has been earning money and paying bills for many years, and one semester I completely forgot to pay tuition for one of the kids, lol. I paid a $50 charge for not doing something that would have taken 8 seconds, It really is harder to remember when it's all digital. 

I would just walk him through it every semester. Sit there together and go through the checklist. Don't rely on memory for anything - if he says he accepted aid, look it up and verify. If he says he signed paperwork, find the paperwork and file it. 

[MerryAtHope]

On 6/1/2019 at 2:15 AM, easypeasy said:

 

Hopefully it will be easy enough so that dh can sit down and enter in his business stuff without having to wait for me to do it...

 

That sounds like it would be very helpful!

[MerryAtHope]

On 6/1/2019 at 11:09 AM, fourisenough said:

I remember when I had my first apartment (during college) and had to start paying bills. I sent the rent check to the utility company and the utility payment to my management company one month. I got late fees for both and remember feeling like I couldn’t do anything right. I was a very mature-for-my-age go-getter, too. It was just a lot to learn to handle. I try to remember this when dealing with my college-aged kids. 

 

I actually made a similar mistake within the last five years! I couldn’t believe I did that! Yes, it’s a good reminder that this is all new for our students.