He was offered a job and doesn't want it......ARGH!

[DawnM]

Ok, we haven't pushed him to get a job, but he wants to teach guitar this summer for a little extra $$.  He got an offer to teach one day a week at a studio, to beginners, for 5 hours.  

Well, today he got a job offer for full time teaching guitar at a youth camp near Seattle for decent pay and free room and board!  And he is saying he doesn't want it.  He doesn't mind the working part, but doesn't want to live away from home anymore and just wants to stay home.

I get that he is a homebody, but this is a fantastic opportunity, will look good on his resume, and will allow him some travel and money!

GAH!  Why do my kids have to have their own opinions!  Why is that even allowed?

We still have a little time to try to talk him into it, but man, can't believe he is not jumping at this.

This is NOT my son with Asperger's, just for clarification.

 

Edited May 22, 2019 by DawnM

[DawnM]

6 minutes ago, ``` said:

Maye he's scared to go so far away from home?  In that case, you could offer to go out there with him and help him get set up and all.  You know, get him comfortable and relieve some of his fears, etc.  Help him find possible fun things to do and all. 

 

No, my best friend lives there, we go out often.  He just is a home body and doesn't want to go away right now.  It doesn't matter if it is 30 miles or 3000 miles.  And he says he needs/wants a break from full time.  But man, I just think this would be so awesome.

[Catwoman]

Are there any similar camps closer to home where he might be able to get the same kind of job?

[MysteryJen]

Totally get this. My ds2 would do the same thing. Once he comes home- he likes to stay there.

[marbel]

My son would never* take a job like that.  My daughter, sure.  But not the boy whose favorite place in the world is... home.

*Hyperbole, no doubt. Who knows what will happen after college, or 10 years after that... 

[Ausmumof3]

Forgive me if I’ve mixed you up with someone else but is the kid ASD?

[DawnM]

2 hours ago, Ausmumof3 said:

Forgive me if I’ve mixed you up with someone else but is the kid ASD?

 

I have a son with ASD, but this isn't the one with ASD.  This is my younger son with ADD, but not ASD.

[DawnM]

3 hours ago, MysteryJen said:

Totally get this. My ds2 would do the same thing. Once he comes home- he likes to stay there.

 

3 hours ago, WendyAndMilo said:

Honestly, I would hate that job and would gladly turn it down.  I am a severe introvert/homebody and need to be able to compartmentalize my life.  I could not function if I lived where I worked (working where I live is something different and is generally OK).

 

2 hours ago, marbel said:

My son would never* take a job like that.  My daughter, sure.  But not the boy whose favorite place in the world is... home.

*Hyperbole, no doubt. Who knows what will happen after college, or 10 years after that... 

 

ok, ok......I admit I am an extrovert and when I was his age I was always looking for the next big adventure.  I guess he takes more after DH than me in this area.

[DawnM]

3 hours ago, Catwoman said:

Are there any similar camps closer to home where he might be able to get the same kind of job?

 

He doesn't have the connections here and I have no idea of any camps that offer this or would pay anything close to this (he did get a call to help with boyscout camp but the pay was miniscule.  And it wasn't teaching guitar.  

This was just one of those "who you know" type things.

[MysteryJen]

If he got the job before he left school, my ds2 would go to the job. But not after he came home.

My dh's head would be exploding. He can't imagine why one would stay home if you can go out.

[gardenmom5]

good luck.  I sent ds links for summer jobs to which he could apply.  he needs money.  he say's he's burned out after the last four years (especially this past year), and really just wants to take it off.   he knows he'll have to work a relevant internship next summer.   dh offered him money to do stuff at home.   the list keeps growing...

[Lanny]

Congrats to him for receiving the offers. Is his resume on a job board somewhere? If so, possibly he should indicate in his listing that he is only interested in something local to where you live.

[fairfarmhand]

My dh, me and my 17 yo dd would absolutely turn that down. We love being home. We’d hate being gone and the whole thing would be totally draining. It wouldn’t be an adventure for us.

my other 3 kids would probably love it. And the rest of us would probably enjoy the break.

God thought it was a great joke to give 3 very extroverted kids to 2 very introverted parents. 

Ha 

ha. 

Seriously it’s just a personality difference.

[madteaparty]

Did he interview for the job? Why bother if he’s not interested? I get your frustration, especially about the wasting of everyone’s time (but DH has been trying to hire for a job and the nonsense I hear is beyond anything). 

[Ausmumof3]

12 hours ago, DawnM said:

 

I have a son with ASD, but this isn't the one with ASD.  This is my younger son with ADD, but not ASD.

Oh sorry!  I couldn’t remember for sure.  

That all sounds pretty frustrating.

[DawnM]

3 minutes ago, Ausmumof3 said:

Oh sorry!  I couldn’t remember for sure.  

That all sounds pretty frustrating.

 

It's ok, I  should have clarified.  I get this question when I just post "my son" and not which one.

#1 has Aspergers

#2 has ADD

#3 is neuro-typical all the way around

[J-rap]

Can he advertise lessons through a local newspaper?  I know being able to do that probably differs depending on where you live.  We live in a small town and everyone here is pretty trusting.  My dd taught guitar either in our own home, or in someone's home if she knew the family.  You can also sometimes advertise in churches, schools, local community ed office, coffeeshops, etc.   

[PeterPan]

17 hours ago, DawnM said:

And he is saying he doesn't want it. 

Before you let it be his final answer to the employer, you could talk through with him what factors are most important to making him want to decide this way.

-uncomfortable being out (noise, social structures, conversation is hard)

-tired from college and wants to rest

-hard to get somewhere but realizes he might like it once he got there

-thinks he won't have wifi to play his games (I'm making this up, I don't know)

-ok with working 20 hours but doesn't feel comfortable working full time

-misses you, his dog, whatever

-has a hard time transitioning

-thinks camp will be noisy

-anxiety about new situations

-doesn't mind work but doesn't need money and therefore doesn't want to work

-etc.

It kinda sounds like he doesn't need the money and finds the transitions hard, like MysteryJen is saying. It's more important that he reflect on WHY he's feeling this way and what the factors are than it is whether he takes the job or not. Then he can decide whether he wants to work on those factors, whether they're holding him back, etc. so he can be cognizant for the future and not miss out on opportunities he DOES want.

I'd probably be inclined to see what happens if you push a *bit* like to pull the money line or to ease the transition by driving him up there and saying try a week. I doubt it will work because it sounds like he's pretty set in. 

Edited May 22, 2019 by PeterPan

[Catwoman]

2 hours ago, PeterPan said:

Before you let it be his final answer to the employer, you could talk through with him what factors are most important to making him want to decide this way.

-uncomfortable being out (noise, social structures, conversation is hard)

-tired from college and wants to rest

-hard to get somewhere but realizes he might like it once he got there

-thinks he won't have wifi to play his games (I'm making this up, I don't know)

-ok with working 20 hours but doesn't feel comfortable working full time

-misses you, his dog, whatever

-has a hard time transitioning

-thinks camp will be noisy

-anxiety about new situations

-doesn't mind work but doesn't need money and therefore doesn't want to work

-etc.

It kinda sounds like he doesn't need the money and finds the transitions hard, like MysteryJen is saying. It's more important that he reflect on WHY he's feeling this way and what the factors are than it is whether he takes the job or not. Then he can decide whether he wants to work on those factors, whether they're holding him back, etc. so he can be cognizant for the future and not miss out on opportunities he DOES want.

I'd probably be inclined to see what happens if you push a *bit* like to pull the money line or to ease the transition by driving him up there and saying try a week. I doubt it will work because it sounds like he's pretty set in. 

 

It sounds pretty straightforward to me. I’m getting the impression that he has been working hard away at college all year and he’s looking forward to being home with his family and taking it a little easier this summer with a part time job if he can find one. 

I could be completely off base on this, but I didn’t get the impression that there is any deeper reason than that.

[Garga]

My adhd son wouldn’t do it. I’m introverted, but he’s extra-introverted.  I can’t even get him to go out to the movies with me because 2 hours from home is just such a long time, ya know?  😕

I would be very frustrated, too, because I’d want him to realize that while it’s not something he wants to do, it is something that would be good for him overall and I’d be frustrated that he couldn’t see the big picture like that.  And then I vacillate and say, “Well, what’s the big deal if he wants a different kind of life from me and would rather keep things simpler?”  

I like what you wrote: “Why do my kids have to have their own opinions?”  I can agree with that sentiment!

[DawnM]

39 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

 

It sounds pretty straightforward to me. I’m getting the impression that he has been working hard away at college all year and he’s looking forward to being home with his family and taking it a little easier this summer with a part time job if he can find one. 

I could be completely off base on this, but I didn’t get the impression that there is any deeper reason than that.

 

This, yes.

And it is 3000 miles away, so driving him up there for a week and letting him try it isn't going to work, nor do I feel good about leaving my BF's camp in a lurch to "try it" and quit.

[DawnM]

3 hours ago, PeterPan said:

Before you let it be his final answer to the employer, you could talk through with him what factors are most important to making him want to decide this way.

-uncomfortable being out (noise, social structures, conversation is hard)

-tired from college and wants to rest

-hard to get somewhere but realizes he might like it once he got there

-thinks he won't have wifi to play his games (I'm making this up, I don't know)

-ok with working 20 hours but doesn't feel comfortable working full time

-misses you, his dog, whatever

-has a hard time transitioning

-thinks camp will be noisy

-anxiety about new situations

-doesn't mind work but doesn't need money and therefore doesn't want to work

-etc.

It kinda sounds like he doesn't need the money and finds the transitions hard, like MysteryJen is saying. It's more important that he reflect on WHY he's feeling this way and what the factors are than it is whether he takes the job or not. Then he can decide whether he wants to work on those factors, whether they're holding him back, etc. so he can be cognizant for the future and not miss out on opportunities he DOES want.

I'd probably be inclined to see what happens if you push a *bit* like to pull the money line or to ease the transition by driving him up there and saying try a week. I doubt it will work because it sounds like he's pretty set in. 

 

I think you are thinking he has Autism.  He doesn't.  He does have ADD and he does want to enjoy his summer, at home. 

No difficulty with transitions

No concerns about noise

Not worried about wifi or gaming

 

[DawnM]

15 minutes ago, Garga said:

My adhd son wouldn’t do it. I’m introverted, but he’s extra-introverted.  I can’t even get him to go out to the movies with me because 2 hours from home is just such a long time, ya know?  😕

I would be very frustrated, too, because I’d want him to realize that while it’s not something he wants to do, it is something that would be good for him overall and I’d be frustrated that he couldn’t see the big picture like that.  And then I vacillate and say, “Well, what’s the big deal if he wants a different kind of life from me and would rather keep things simpler?”  

I like what you wrote: “Why do my kids have to have their own opinions?”  I can agree with that sentiment!

 

Oh wow!  He isn't that introverted.  In fact, with friends he knows he isn't introverted at all.

But yeah, why do they get to have opinions????

He is struggling to pick a major, so we are trying to help but not help, ya know?  

[catz]

Oh - I'd be super frustrated as a parent with this.  My kids are going to need to work during theirs summers through college  We are prepared make some financial allowances if they have a unique low/no pay internship opportunity but earning spending money and covering basic expenses is part of the program.  And siting around all summer doing nothing is not something healthy adults are going to do around here.  I'd personally say fine, but find something else close to home then with similar hours and earning potential.  I'd especially be frustrated and possibly pushing if this is related to his major/career path.  

Anyway - I just noticed that you haven't pushed him to get a job so I guess that's less surprising if he imagined himself relaxing at home all summer.  

Parenting young adults is hard!  I'm sorry!  

[DawnM]

1 hour ago, FuzzyCatz said:

Oh - I'd be super frustrated as a parent with this.  My kids are going to need to work during theirs summers through college  We are prepared make some financial allowances if they have a unique low/no pay internship opportunity but earning spending money and covering basic expenses is part of the program.  And siting around all summer doing nothing is not something healthy adults are going to do around here.  I'd personally say fine, but find something else close to home then with similar hours and earning potential.  I'd especially be frustrated and possibly pushing if this is related to his major/career path.  

Anyway - I just noticed that you haven't pushed him to get a job so I guess that's less surprising if he imagined himself relaxing at home all summer.  

Parenting young adults is hard!  I'm sorry!  

 

He wants to work, but apparently only part time, which is fine in many ways, and he has a part time job here, but not even sure what it pays.  He gets a allowance of sorts from us for expenses and his college is literally a fraction of other son's costs, so we can't be too mad, and truth be told, I do love him being home (for college next year), but I just am frustrated mostly because this seemed like such a great opportunity.