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happysmileylady

Help me help my kid

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My oldest is 23 and dating someone from another culture.  They are...more than semi serious.  By that I mean, discussions of the future have happened, but....no rings or dates.

Here's DD23's stumbling block.  Her boyfriend is concerned about his parent's reaction to him dating an American white girl.  His entire family still lives in his country of origin and has no intention of moving to the US. However, he came here on a student visa, is converting that to a working visa, and ultimately intends to gain citizenship.  This process is long and drawn out but ultimately, he doesn't intend to ever move back to his country of origin, which means that regardless of who he dates/carries on a relationship/marries...his family simply won't be closely directly involved in his life.

Right now, his family is here in the states.  They came for his college masters degree graduation (a program with BS and MS together.)  They have been here for 3 weeks and will be here another week.  He hasn't told them he has a girlfriend.  And he's really afraid to, specifically because his girlfriend is an American white girl.  But, DD is feeling like he's ashamed of her.  In addition, she doesn't want to get started with his family on the wrong foot if things do continue to progress.  She has talked to him about this, but he is totally and completely freaked out about the idea of telling his parents.  One of her biggest concerns is that if things continue to progress, she may be stuck meeting an unapproving MIL on her wedding day (yes......my dd thinks ahead, but yes...these are discussions.)

So...for those who have dated outside their culture, even married outside their culture of origin, how are these things handled?  It's outside my experience so I don't quite know how to advise "caution" if that makes sense...

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I don't know if it's considered a different culture bc both my husband and i are white, but I wasn't born in US and my family is all here, but neither me at 20 or me now would find this situation OK.  If he is serious about your DD, he should introduce his family to her.  If he is not introducing them to each other - to me it screams all kinds of red flags.

But I am very harsh when it comes to what I consider excuses.  He is not a child.  He is an adult.  And he is lying. He is either lying to your DD about his reasons or he is lying to his parents about his relationship.  I don't like people who lie.

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I have no insights on the question of cross-cultural relationships. However, I would hesitate to base my relationship and marriage plans on an idea that his family will never be more closely involved in his life. These things can change in unexpected ways.

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8 minutes ago, maize said:

Is this a culture where marriages are traditionally arranged?

Yes.

However...Her BF's brother went off an "eloped" for lack of a better word and ultimately, though the DIL is not well liked.....she is accepted and participates in family events on such.  

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I don’t have any advice, but The Big Sick is a great movie that deals with this very issue. It’s the semi-autobiographical story of the co-writers who fell in love (and the guy stars in it too).

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It depends hugely on the cultures and people involved.  With range of reaction ultimately possible from happy acceptance to murder.

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I have no advice. If I were your DD, I'd be concerned about a guy who is so afraid of telling his parents this. I'm assuming since he is getting his Master's that he is older than 22. I'd expect a 22 yo to stand up to their parents (maybe this is a cultural thing that I don't understand?).  If he wasn't or couldn't, I'd be wondering exactly when/if he could tell them/stand up to them. 

 

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Ultimately I think my DD's biggest thing is that.......if she's going to meet these people it's either going to be this week.................or on her wedding day if that is where it goes.  Short of major catastrophe, they aren't coming back to the states for years, and she's not going there for, well, years.  Her passport is even expired.

 

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But I am very harsh when it comes to what I consider excuses.  He is not a child.  He is an adult.  And he is lying. He is either lying to your DD about his reasons or he is lying to his parents about his relationship.  I don't like people who lie.

 

Funny enough, she has a co-worker, female, who is from the same culture/country, who has told her very similar.  Well, using less polite terms lol.  So I did tell DD that if someone with that experience is telling her this, its possible it's not a cultural thing but a mother/son thing. (which I think can be pretty universal sometimes.)

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One thing I also wanted to say.....we have met him.  We really like him and in particular, DH, who plays the part of the overprotective dad REALLY well....REALLY likes him.  He's really a great guy. 

The fact that we were so accepting however, seemed to surprise him, according to DD23.  

 

Someone asked about his age....he's older than her....late 20s.

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Does his family know he’s planning on immigrating and becoming a US citizen and will rarely ever see them again?  And if they know, then who did they expect him to marry?  For him to find another immigrant from his homeland?  

Or is it possible that they’ve already considered that he will end up marrying an white American girl, since he’ll be an American himself in a few years?  And maybe his fears aren’t as founded as he thinks?

Or...if his family doesn’t approve, will he break up with your dd?  Maybe that’s why he isn’t telling.  His plan might be a secret wedding, because otherwise he might be afraid he’ll cave to their pressure.  

 

Edited by Garga

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1 minute ago, happysmileylady said:

Someone asked about his age....he's older than her....late 20s.

Yikes.  That seems old to be so afraid to stand up to the family.  But I’m an American and our culture is all about leaving the nest and going your own way. In other cultures, the elder generation is to be OBEYED and you sacrifice the things you want in order to please your family.  

Well, I’m not much help after all...I thought I was going somewhere with this, but I guess I’m not.  

 

Is this a deal breaker for your dd?  What if she did meet the family for the first time at the wedding?  Ultimately, is she ok with that?  Because it sounds like that’s what’ll happen.

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5 minutes ago, Garga said:

Does his family know he’s planning on immigrating and becoming a US citizen and will rarely ever see them again?  And if they know, then who did they expect him to marry?  For him to find another immigrant from his homeland?  

Or is it possible that they’ve already considered that he will end up marrying an white American girl, since he’ll be an American himself in a few years?  And maybe his fears aren’t as founded as he thinks?

Or...if his family doesn’t approve, will he break up with your dd?  Maybe that’s why he isn’t telling.  His plan might be a secret wedding, because otherwise he might be afraid he’ll cave to their pressure.  

 

According to him, yes they know and are happy he plans to immigrate.  However, I don't suppose anyone has discussed "who he's expected to marry."    Given everything I have been told both by DD and her BF.....I suspect his fears are not quite as founded as he thinks.

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10 minutes ago, Garga said:

Yikes.  That seems old to be so afraid to stand up to the family.  But I’m an American and our culture is all about leaving the nest and going your own way. In other cultures, the elder generation is to be OBEYED and you sacrifice the things you want in order to please your family.  

Well, I’m not much help after all...I thought I was going somewhere with this, but I guess I’m not.  

 

Is this a deal breaker for your dd?  What if she did meet the family for the first time at the wedding?  Ultimately, is she ok with that?  Because it sounds like that’s what’ll happen.

Ultimately, it might be a deal breaker for her, which is why she's struggling hard and asked my advice...................which is why I asked here.  And, maybe it's an American culture thing, but meeting your ILs the day of your wedding........that's a very hard pill to swallow for her (and really, would be for me too.)  

 

You mentioned "elder generation is to be OBEYED" and that's how she feels he's proceeding, but it's very in conflict with....well...our culture, in this regard.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Also, to be perfectly honest, my DD may very well be overthinking the whole thing because his family leaves in a week.  It feels to her like the last chance to meet them before................proceeding I guess is the word I am looking for.  It's not like they can fly out for a holiday or birthday.  And in our family, most holidays and birthdays are celebrated family style and boyfriends and such are welcomed.  So all of this is very new territory for her, and me and DH.  

Edited by happysmileylady

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11 minutes ago, Garga said:

Does his family know he’s planning on immigrating and becoming a US citizen and will rarely ever see them again?  And if they know, then who did they expect him to marry?  For him to find another immigrant from his homeland?  

 

I have ex-colleagues who are expected to go back to their homeland for a bride after getting their citizenship (China, India, Korea). Some of my ex-colleagues parents and siblings expect the person to sponsor them to the US after acquiring citizenship. 

My husband and I are the same race and from the same country. His parents (especially his mom) has the reputation of being so nitpicky about her sons’ girlfriends and scaring them off that he told his aunts but not his parents. He got scolded by his mom for his choice of engagement ring 😛

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Hmm  Just because he's afraid to tell his parents doesn't necessarily mean red flags are all over it.  They sound like vastly different cultures, so I don't think it's quite fair to expect the same of him as we would a young man of our own culture.  It may be the type of situation where your dd will just have to accept that it may take years before his parents get over their long-held beliefs and dreams for their son.  Hopefully with patience and love, they will finally come to see that their son is very happy and that your dd is a lovely person!  I think I'd prepare your dd that it won't happen fast;  that she'll need to be patient.  Hopefully at some point she could visit his home country?  Her making an effort to get to know his family on their turf might give a very positive message.  

I guess I wouldn't worry about it too much other than that.  There's only so much you can do right now, and what's more important is that your dd and he build a solid and trusting relationship, if they plan to marry someday.  Eventually he will have to tell his parents.  

We have two inter-cultural marriages among our children, though not so vastly different cultures.  However, each of our children spent quite a bit of time in the other's culture to get to know the family and understand the culture better.

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Another thing for her to consider, is his philosophy on raising children, etc. as cultural differences can be huge here as well.

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certain cultures I know of ask their sons to bring their girlfriends back to their country and undergo religious ceremonies (including conversions) even if they do accept the girl as the DIL. It depends on the culture, the family and how "progressive" their outlook is towards inter-religious and inter-cultural marriages. In societies with arranged marriages (and the loss of face for the family in their communities if the male does not stick to tradition), there is going to be a lot of resistance.

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You have many factors to consider. Like how often his family visits. Who does his parents expect him to marry?

I dont like the fact he hasn't told his parents about her. Leads me to believe that he is not serious about her.

When my husband and I were at this stage I still told my parents and he met them. We didn't have a ring or anything yet either. Just talked about getting married.

Your daughter needs to know that he will choose her over his parent's approval. Because ultimately in the end she will be the most important person in his life until they have kids.

This is how I feel anyhow. I love my parents and all.  but I left their household and have one of my own now.

If they don't come to the states often and he is serious about her, then she should meet with them. Imo.

I can't speak for all cultures, but that is what I did.

Hope this helps.

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6 minutes ago, J-rap said:

Hmm  Just because he's afraid to tell his parents doesn't necessarily mean red flags are all over it.  They sound like vastly different cultures, so I don't think it's quite fair to expect the same of him as we would a young man of our own culture.  It may be the type of situation where your dd will just have to accept that it may take years before his parents get over their long-held beliefs and dreams for their son.  Hopefully with patience and love, they will finally come to see that their son is very happy and that your dd is a lovely person!  I think I'd prepare your dd that it won't happen fast;  that she'll need to be patient.  Hopefully at some point she could visit his home country?  Her making an effort to get to know his family on their turf might give a very positive message.  

I guess I wouldn't worry about it too much other than that.  There's only so much you can do right now, and what's more important is that your dd and he build a solid and trusting relationship, if they plan to marry someday.  Eventually he will have to tell his parents.  

We have two inter-cultural marriages among our children, though not so vastly different cultures.  However, each of our children spent quite a bit of time in the other's culture to get to know the family and understand the culture better.

Thank you for this.

She's working on understanding his culture.  She is working to learn the language and cook the food, both of which she actually finds really fascinating and enjoyable.  She told me that once, he walked into her apartment and remarked that it smelled like home and that gave her all the warm feels that a remark like that should.   At this point, if they met today, she could introduce herself in his mother's language and he loves her even more for even that much.  

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Many immigrants here go back to their COO to get marriages arranged so it may be they have someone arranged for him.  Whether he knows this or not is another question.

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6 minutes ago, mathnerd said:

certain cultures I know of ask their sons to bring their girlfriends back to their country and undergo religious ceremonies (including conversions) even if they do accept the girl as the DIL. It depends on the culture, the family and how "progressive" their outlook is towards inter-religious and inter-cultural marriages. In societies with arranged marriages (and the loss of face for the family in their communities if the male does not stick to tradition), there is going to be a lot of resistance.

Actually, of all things, religion is not the issue.  Although the *culture* typically practices arranged marriages, the religion does not.  I hope that makes sense. Religiously speaking, they actually *share* the same religion, as well as the same level of lack of practice.

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Also, has he already been betrothed to someone else?

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3 minutes ago, Pen said:

Also, has he already been betrothed to someone else?

As far as we (DD, DH, me) know....no.  And based on what we DO know, it's not...............likely.   I suppose it's possible, but I don't know enough to answer definitively.  I would say the answer is more likely NO, than YES.  

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11 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

Actually, of all things, religion is not the issue.  Although the *culture* typically practices arranged marriages, the religion does not.  I hope that makes sense. Religiously speaking, they actually *share* the same religion, as well as the same level of lack of practice.

 

So, say, like Christians from the country of India? Lots of arranged marriages in India, but not a religious requirement?

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33 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

One thing I also wanted to say.....we have met him.  We really like him and in particular, DH, who plays the part of the overprotective dad REALLY well....REALLY likes him.  He's really a great guy. 

The fact that we were so accepting however, seemed to surprise him, according to DD23.  

 

Someone asked about his age....he's older than her....late 20s.

 

Maybe this is your answer then - a dad to boyfriend chat about it all. He can ask the hard questions, and I'm betting the boyfriend won't even find it strange that the dad is so involved, being from a country with arranged marriages. In India, parents are expected to stay involved in the marriages of their children, offering advice and laying down the law when necessary, long after the wedding is over, which makes me think that this discussion with your dh is even more crucial - It's not like the in-laws' disapproval will go away once they're married. It could go on and on. The thing is, now that he has a master's degree, as soon as he has a healthy bank account, they'll be finding him a wife, so it's going to have to be dealt with soon, and it would be more honoring to his parents to be upfront about it all, to say nothing of the respect it would show your dd. Your dh should be able to get to the bottom of it all with some good questions. (Let us know if you want our help in formulating those. 🙂 )

There's a movie about a similar situation with an Indian man and an American woman called The Patels, or something like that.

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6 minutes ago, Pen said:

 

So, say, like Christians from the country of India? Lots of arranged marriages in India, but not a religious requirement?

very

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12 minutes ago, PeppermintPattie said:

 

Maybe this is your answer then - a dad to boyfriend chat about it all. He can ask the hard questions, and I'm betting the boyfriend won't even find it strange that the dad is so involved, being from a country with arranged marriages. In India, parents are expected to stay involved in the marriages of their children, offering advice and laying down the law when necessary, long after the wedding is over, which makes me think that this discussion with your dh is even more crucial - It's not like the in-laws' disapproval will go away once they're married. It could go on and on. The thing is, now that he has a master's degree, as soon as he has a healthy bank account, they'll be finding him a wife, so it's going to have to be dealt with soon, and it would be more honoring to his parents to be upfront about it all, to say nothing of the respect it would show your dd. Your dh should be able to get to the bottom of it all with some good questions. (Let us know if you want our help in formulating those. 🙂 )

There's a movie about a similar situation with an Indian man and an American woman called The Patels, or something like that.

Part of what makes this a bit difficult is that, DD doesn't live with or near us.  She's fully launched, liveing over 2 hrs away.  She actually lives closer to my parents and her BF has met my parents more than he has met us.  

*sigh*  Having adult kids is so complicated.

If they DO get married, which is very possible, he would be a GREAT guy to welcome to the family.  But it's not up to us and we can't do much beyond advise.

 

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I would consider not wanting to even tell his parents he has a girlfriend, let alone a white American girlfriend, a major red flag.  for all his protestations he never wants to move back to his country of origin - things may change.  for all he's convinced his parents are in another country and will have no impact, is naïve.  if it is this difficult now, when they dont' have a ring and a date (and his parents don't even know about her) - it will be 100 times worse after they are married and start having children.

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Look, for all that we might try to understand based on cultural practices from his home country, ultimately this is about their relationship and the inter dynamics between him and his parents.  I think this should be an eye opening/caveat emptor moment that should lead to some serious questions before marriage.  

Will his parents visit yearly for weeks at a time?

Will his parents come live with them, if they marry, as they age and retire from working?

Who will work? Who will care for children?

Will she be able to maintain her current levels of freedom or will his behavioral expectations for her change? 

I think this experience should be giving her a strong heads up that he isn't as independent as she would prefer.

 

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She needs to be very careful and guard her feelings.  I think there is a good chance he is either going to change his mind (i.e. end the relationship), or try really hard to change her (to suit his family's customs), or both. 

Also, he is lying to his family about such a big thing - what's to say he isn't just as shamelessly lying to her?  I have an Indian friend who accepted a guy because he said he would allow her to have a job and play sports, but then after the marriage, he demanded that she quit those and slave in the house ... and he became abusive when she didn't submit enough.  And that was said to be pretty common in that culture.

As she is a planner - that is good - I hope they are discussing how (and where, and by whom) any children they have would be raised.  He may be OK with her being who she is, but his daughters may be a different story.  The Indian guy I dated declared, for example, that his daughters must wear skirts below the knee; also that his kids must be raised in his conservative Hindu religion.  Not to mention in a home where the woman's place is in the kitchen.  Furthermore, he intended to keep my parents / extended family and friends away to minimize their influence.  It was a blessing that he was so honest about these things.

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I do think I would share most of everyone’s concerns here. The one thing I’d be a little lighter on is the whole “he’s too old to not be telling his parents” thing. To American’s, of course he’s too darn old to be hiding from Mommy and Daddy! But there are many other cultures in which dating and marriage carry heavy parental influence no matter the ages involved. Shucking that in practice while on the other side of the world may be one thing, but exposing it in person to deep cultural roots might be an entirely different thing. I would give SOME grace for what he might be going though, internally.

That said, I still wouldn’t like it.  Something is (obviously) going to have to give at some point.  His girlfriend has every right to know when that point is. 

FWIW, I talked future and marriage with two people before my dh. It did not happen with those two people. Perhaps he’s waiting (right or wrong) to be absolutely positive that it will be happening before he takes on that conversation. (As an American mom with American kids, I vote wrong, but I do reserve some empathy for the man’s situation.)

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So, as somebody who is not close to my parents and did not discuss my boyfriend much until telling them we were engaged--though they'd met him (and we married at 22/23)--I'd like to point out that from his POV, there may be no up side to discussing it with his parents. He doesn't plan to live in the same country with them again. He may only see them once a year or so. They're not going to change his mind, but they may try because it's not a "done deal" yet (even if actually they would like her very much--they may be hoping for a high-status DIL like a doctor). If he sees them as likely to try to interfere inappropriately, and he doesn't intend to take their opinion into consideration anyway, why say anything now?

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My first instinct would be to run from any guy who was afraid to introduce her to his parents.  Man up or beat it.

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I can see why you're concerned. My question would be, at what point WOULD he think it appropriate to introduce your daughter to his family? Waiting until they're engaged and she's confronted with upset/disapproving in-laws-to-be is extremely unfair. Things can be said that may be hard to get past. (Ask me how I know.) In fairness to everyone, he needs to give his family a heads up. Everyone on his side needs a chance to get used to the idea and work out their personal hang-ups before meeting the poor girl. Is there someone in his family who would support his decision, or who could be counted on to say "I've met her. She's lovely"?

ETA: Other posters have made some really wise suggestions about things that need to be discussed between the two of the them up front so there are no unpleasant surprises with regard to expectations or his family's involvement with them. Also, just because things are agreed upon at the outset does not mean someone won't have a change of heart years down the road. That happened with DH and me on a fundamental issue that had been "covered" before marriage, and it caused a lot of friction.

Edited by Valley Girl

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Would she accept this (or any other cultural) behavior from a white guy who was born and raised in the US?

She has to deal with the consequences of his choices regarding their relationship at this point, not the causes.

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So I talked to her a little bit ago, she apparently talked with him last night and basically told him, look, this *really* bothers me.  She said he apologized and reassured her that he would tell them, but the way she discussed it, it doesn't sound like she has a lot of confidence in that.   If he doesn't tell them before they go back home, I know that's going to be a major thing for her that will probably boil up sooner rather than later.  If he does tell them but she doesn't get to meet them, that will still bother her, but at this point it would be difficult to make the schedules work right.

 

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I am very close to my parents but I completely understand that many people are not.  I understand not telling parents about even big events in your life if you are not close to them

But he is not simply "not telling" them something, he is lying.  Bc if his parents have been here for 3 wks and have no idea that he is dating OP's DD, there HAS TO be lying going on.  He is either telling them that he is single or that she is not available to meet.  Bc I can not imagine a mother in ANY CULTURE not asking her late 20s' yr old son about his relationships.

 

 

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9 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

I would consider not wanting to even tell his parents he has a girlfriend, let alone a white American girlfriend, a major red flag.  for all his protestations he never wants to move back to his country of origin - things may change.  for all he's convinced his parents are in another country and will have no impact, is naïve.  if it is this difficult now, when they dont' have a ring and a date (and his parents don't even know about her) - it will be 100 times worse after they are married and start having children.

 

This. Huge red flag!

And, someone else said - he's telling her he's lying to his parents, how does she know he's not lying to her?  He's proven himself a liar, and afraid of his parents. I don't think I could excuse that with "oh, well, that's  his culture."  He lives in your daughter's culture now, and says he plans to stay.  How does she know he is telling her the truth about that?

Marriage is a risk no matter what, right?  There is always the chance someone will change their mind about something, and the unexpected can always happen. But when you add different cultural expectations to the mix, it can be complicated. imagine in 10 years this young man's father dies, and he is called to go home to care for his  mother. And he feels obligated to do so because, yeah, he's still afraid to upset his parents.

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7 minutes ago, SereneHome said:

  Bc I can not imagine a mother in ANY CULTURE not asking her late 20s' yr old son about his relationships.

 

If it is expected that matchmaking would occur when the time comes, the parents may not ask. My Korean ex-colleagues won’t ask about relationships, they were asked if they earn enough to support a wife. I know a few who were matchmade as they show us photos from the matchmaking meetings while we were taking coffee break in the office. 

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12 hours ago, Ottakee said:

Another thing for her to consider, is his philosophy on raising children, etc. as cultural differences can be huge here as well.

This has been the experience of one of my siblings who married someone from a different culture. Navigating the cultural differences wasn't too difficult until children came along, but there are HUGE cultural differences in child rearing expectations and that has been very, very hard for them to navigate.

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Both of my sister in laws married men from different cultures (in their cases, Mexicans).  Both were here in the US illegally and did intend to stay; one had most of his family here and the other was just here on his own. 

Both ended in divorce; the cultural issues were a huge divide and I think also having family/connections/origins in another country where they had a kind of social position and currency that they lacked here made it harder to commit to stay in the US when things were difficult and easier to return to Mexico.  Neither sister in law wanted to move themselves and their kids to Mexico and that contributed to the breakdown of the relationship.

So I'd say yes, in-law issues can be serious, cross cultural issues can be serious, but also just the very practical issue of return to country of origin is worth considering.  Is he sure he can convert to citizenship?  Would she be willing, if he can't or if he changes his mind and wants to be near his family and origin culture (completely understandable), to move to where he's from?

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13 hours ago, livetoread said:

I don’t have any advice, but The Big Sick is a great movie that deals with this very issue. It’s the semi-autobiographical story of the co-writers who fell in love (and the guy stars in it too).

 

That was a great movie. It kind of surprised me.

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1 hour ago, happysmileylady said:

So I talked to her a little bit ago, she apparently talked with him last night and basically told him, look, this *really* bothers me.  She said he apologized and reassured her that he would tell them, but the way she discussed it, it doesn't sound like she has a lot of confidence in that.   If he doesn't tell them before they go back home, I know that's going to be a major thing for her that will probably boil up sooner rather than later.  If he does tell them but she doesn't get to meet them, that will still bother her, but at this point it would be difficult to make the schedules work right.

 

if he tells her he told his parents, but she doesn't meet them (or speak with them on the phone/skype) - how will she know he's telling *her the truth*?  how does she know he's telling her the truth now?  what will happen if he doesn't get permanent residency/citizenship?

remind her, breaking off a relationship with big red flags before a marriage and kids is far cheaper, both financially and emotionally- than a divorce down the road.

1 hour ago, SereneHome said:

I am very close to my parents but I completely understand that many people are not.  I understand not telling parents about even big events in your life if you are not close to them

But he is not simply "not telling" them something, he is lying.  Bc if his parents have been here for 3 wks and have no idea that he is dating OP's DD, there HAS TO be lying going on.  He is either telling them that he is single or that she is not available to meet.  Bc I can not imagine a mother in ANY CULTURE not asking her late 20s' yr old son about his relationships.

 

 

I don't.  I don't consider it my business to ask my children about their relationships.  I didn't even hear about dsil until the holiday weekend when they first started talking about marriage. (because she brought him to our house.)

when they have something to announce - they'll tell me.  dh was *harassed* by his family, uncles, aunts, etc because he was a late 20's something and single.  everyone was demanding to know who he was dating, and what his plans were.  he still takes joy in the fact his mother was out of the country when we got engaged and married. and she had no idea who I was.

eta: I'm sure dh's family thought they were only asking occasionally over a period of years, and they were "showing concern" - but there were multiple people asking on a regular basis - adds up fast.  and the expressions of concern he was "being too picky". 

Edited by gardenmom5

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1 hour ago, happysmileylady said:

  If he does tell them but she doesn't get to meet them, that will still bother her, but at this point it would be difficult to make the schedules work right.

 

How about sending his parents off at the airport? Would that work for your daughter’s schedule? 

Edited by Arcadia

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I do want to make sure I haven't given the wrong impression.  The possibility of marriage is a discussion they are having, but there is for sure no commitment to anything yet.  It's really the very beginning of the discussion process on that.  It's not something she would fall into lightly or rush into or anything like that.  

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4 minutes ago, Arcadia said:

 

How about sending his parents off at the airport? Would that work for your daughter’s schedule? 

To be honest, I don't know the details of when his family is leaving, I just know it's sometime towards the end of this week.  I do know DD will be travelling around the state for work like 2 or 3 days during the week, but if his family is flying out on a Saturday it probably would work.  

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My husband is not white and grew up in another country and culture, and I didn't meet the sisters who raised him until the day before we got married. The other sisters I didn't meet until after we were married. The marriage is ending after eleven years, but it has nothing to do with out cultural differences. Due to my experience, I wouldn't necessarily think not mentioning her to the family is a huge red flag, but it may be in their situation.

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13 hours ago, happysmileylady said:

Part of what makes this a bit difficult is that, DD doesn't live with or near us.  She's fully launched, liveing over 2 hrs away.  She actually lives closer to my parents and her BF has met my parents more than he has met us.  

*sigh*  Having adult kids is so complicated.

If they DO get married, which is very possible, he would be a GREAT guy to welcome to the family.  But it's not up to us and we can't do much beyond advise.

 

Just remember that it won't seem strange to the bf when your dh gets involved at some point. This is completely expected in India, and expressing his expectations for how he wants your dd to be treated in the marriage will be respected. 

The fact that your dd might not meet the in-laws until the wedding won't seem strange to them or even to the bf - I know many Indians who didn't even meet their fiance until the day of the wedding! So the bf may not understand why this matters to your dd.

I'm glad I didn't know how hard this stage of parenting would be when my kids were little. It is complicated!! 

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