Teen getting in serious trouble - WWYD?

[Lanny]

Upthread the OP mentioned that her DS met with the school Principal and Police officer and told them he had no plans to follow through and they seem to have written this off for the moment. That's the easy thing for them to do. Didn't that happen with the Parkland Shooter?     I believe as do many people that have responded to this thread that the DS of the OP should get some kind of immediate Psychiatric evaluation.  Treatment requires his participation, but evaluation can be done without much participation on  his part.  If he is going to be 18 in a month, then as others have mentioned, the issues will be far more difficult for the OP or her DH to try to help the DS with.   He should probably not be living in the home of the OP at this time, for the safety of the family.

[Lady Florida.]

18 hours ago, Murphy101 said:

I think you should send him away for psychological evaluation and treatment.

 

I agree with this and you should do it soon. Once he turns 18 you won't be able to do it. I have no other advice, just a lot of virtual hugs. 

[Pen]

10 hours ago, mumto2 said:

Sending hugs and prayers............lots of great advice here.  I also think it is most likely a mental health issue but I will admit to wondering if this is an academically bored kid.  Perhaps for him the GED and being done with high school would suit him perfectly.  As opposed to a new high school perhaps some online classes and a job to support himself.  I am not sure I would want him living in the same house as your younger children.

 

Academically bored may well be true of this teen. Many smart kids are bored in school. Most don’t act the way Yael described her son acting.

 “bored” does not account for threats, weapons, pictures of himself with weapon or what appeared to be a weapon, lack of remorse, verbal altercations with test proctors, or many other behaviors described.  

For everyone’s safety IMO, he needs a full evaluation,  psychiatric and physical. Including probably an mri of his brain.  Possibly as someone mentioned earlier also a SPECT or other scan. As we know from football players who became violent following repeated head injuries, it is possible that organic damage enough to substantially change behavior won’t show up.

But it could be he has something like an operable brain tumor which one certainly would not want to have missed.  Some brain tumors cause symptoms of personality change, aggression, decreased impulse control, and so forth.  

 

He should probably also be inpatient so that if this is drug related that can be controlled. 

There were also anecdotal stories of the development of psychiatric illness following mononucleosis which were apparently debunked as not statistically significant, but there could be something like that in a few cases even if not statistically significant.  

The first problem is that there’s a very short window to try to accomplish this before he turns 18–and even at 17 it will be hard. The second problem is that it is hard to find competent help, even if the patient is eager and cooperative. Perhaps Boston would have better help than some places do.  I know I was positively impressed by a Cambridge area therapist I heard Thursday on the HappilyFamily conference. 

an ultimatum of “either go in for evaluation and treatment or move out” Choice might accomplish him getting help — or it might put an even angrier, mentally ill teen, possibly with a weapon stash somewhere out on the streets  ...  

 

 

[Pen]

23 minutes ago, HeighHo said:

 

Schools are trying to get grad rates up, they won't write off the OP's dc if she and/or her spouse will meet with the admin - they have probably already requested that meeting as part of the Discipline Plan (every public school in the US has a Discipline Plan; the follow up to the scenario here is in school suspension for the youth until a meeting of all parties concerned can be held.  In that meeting, the placement can be reviewed and possibly improved. 

 

What Yael wrote doesn’t seem to fit this scenario. 

Unless that the school will be keeping an eye on him or whatever she wrote they said means an “in school suspension “. 

ETA: it just occurred to me that maybe you think “written this off” here means something different than I do.  My understanding: The school doesn’t seem to be taking the youth’s threats seriously enough to contact police or to suspend either in or out of school.

Edited May 18, 2019 by Pen

[Pen]

I think how very hard it is to get help when a teen is behaving like the one described here needs a societal change.  

[BlsdMama]

If you can think of nothing else - can he enlist early?  It would give him basic & AIT to have strong structure, critical rules, no contact with the outside world.  The only problem I can see is that I suspect he's got to pee clean. 😞  Maybe not  for pot though?

This is so hard.  It's reallly obvious that something needs to be done and quick - he seems to be escalating and I think teens make impetuous choices when they could really turn out just fine - just have to get through this bumpy stuff without massive scars and impact to the future.

[Carol in Cal.]

Here in CA there is a higher level alternative to a GED that is considered more rigorous.

Its initials are CHSBE or something like that, and it involves testing that is a bit higher level than GED testing.  Homeschoolers use it a lot here to get 16 and up year olds into community colleges without having to call those classes ‘high school’ because technically passing the test means completing high school.  If there is something like that near you your son might be able to get free of the high school setting with a little more dignity and a better record, and move on into the military, which if they would take him I think would do him a world of good.

[TechWife]

The Pathfinder program from Outward Bound might be an option. I say that with a strong caveat - I do not think it is safe to send a mentally unstable person to a program like this. After a full psychiatric evaluation and a professional looks at this program and thinks it might be a fit - only then send him. It isn't fair to him, the other people on the trip or the family to put him in a stressful situation and expect him to cope if he is not stable. Outward Bound programs are known to be challenging and life transforming, but they can be stressful and they are not for everyone. They are not cheap - but with the reputation of this program, they are likely worth every penny.

https://www.outwardbound.org/classic/pathfinder-expeditions/

[Lecka]

FWIW my husband thinks they will do a urinalysis at MEPS (right before leaving for basic training), and someone who has been a near-daily user would take 30 days, but a rare user might be fine after a few days to pass it. 

Right now I don’t think they are accepting GEDs, also, which might make a difference in looking for a high school diploma or a GED.  You could ask a recruiter about that.  

Edited May 18, 2019 by Lecka

[Lanny]

The different branches of the U.S. Military have differing requirements about those eligible to enlist. When there is a shortage of people, the requirements are lowered.  A GED might or might not be accepted, depending upon the branch of service and their need for people. I suspect that if they admitted someone with a GED, that person would not have as many opportunities available as would someone with a High School diploma, but I am not positive about that. With regard to the DS of the OP, that would probably be OK if they could get him to develop into a stable person who can be trusted. 

[Lecka]

They were definitely allowing GEDs at the height of the Iraq War.  At the time, it had been a while.  They stopped afterward and as far as I know aren’t right now.

A recruiter would know.

 

[Pen]

https://www.army.mil/article/132739/teenagers_become_soldiers_while_still_in_high_school

enlisting while still in high school, and doing Basic during summer before senior year is possible 

 

[Pen]

ETA if he’s actually mentally stable, not mentally ill, not unstable from brain tumor or TBI or lead poisoning or drug addiction..., then enlistment now, followed by Basic this summer and a change to a public school away from his current peers and school environment might work.  

[theelfqueen]

Please please. I apologize if what I'm about to say comes out wrong. 

Stop everyhing else you're doing. Treat this like you would treat any other EMERGENCY... this is not a time for contemplation. This is not a time for thinking about his long term future. This is a time to seek assistance, to make changes. Before you CANNOT.

Imagine your son had been in a car accident and was hospitalized- what would you do? You'd call your DH and tell him come home right now. You'd reach out to your community- family, friends, temple for help with your other kids. Do that now. You wouldn't spend your time worrying about the impact on the school year, or his future career. You'd focus on getting him the care he needs RIGHT NOW. That's the urgency he needs from you. Even if he doesn't know it. Even if it looks like more of the same, it has come to a moment for action. 

Seek help and do it immediately, before he's 18 and you cannot help him. If it takes a couple of weeks to get help, you've got to get that ball moving. He's  not going to do it. You said yourself, he thought the problem with making threats was that his friends ratted him out - not that making threats was the problem. Hes not capable of making good decisions right now. He doesn't see the seriousness of this, so you have to. 

[Lecka]

Is split option only for National Guard?  I don’t know but I think it might be?  

[Pen]

1 minute ago, theelfqueen said:

Please please. I apologize if what I'm about to say comes out wrong. 

Stop everyhing else you're doing. Treat this like you would treat any other EMERGENCY... this is not a time for contemplation. This is not a time for thinking about his long term future. This is a time to seek assistance, to make changes. Before you CANNOT.

Imagine your son had been in a car accident and was hospitalized- what would you do? You'd call your DH and tell him come home right now. You'd reach out to your community- family, friends, temple for help with your other kids. Do that now. You wouldn't spend your time worrying about the impact on the school year, or his future career. You'd focus on getting him the care he needs RIGHT NOW. That's the urgency he needs from you. Even if he doesn't know it. Even if it looks like more of the same, it has come to a moment for action. 

Seek help and do it immediately, before he's 18 and you cannot help him. If it takes a couple of weeks to get help, you've got to get that ball moving. He's  not going to do it. You said yourself, he thought the problem with making threats was that his friends ratted him out - not that making threats was the problem. Hes not capable of making good decisions right now. He doesn't see the seriousness of this, so you have to. 

 

I totally agree!

I’ve made comments about military enlistment etc, but think that figuring out what’s going on comes first.

 I mentioned brain tumor because while it isn’t likely, it is certainly possible, and for many parents realizing that there could be something like a brain tumor that would be operable now changes the feeling from “my kid is being bad” to my kid could have a serious but reversible illness.

similar would be true if he has a mental illness for which there are effective medicines and therapies.

he seems to be acting like someone with sociopathy, but my sense is that that usually exists from earlier childhood with history of acts against animals, meanness to other children.  A start at a later teen age seems like something else going on    

[Pen]

8 minutes ago, Lecka said:

Is split option only for National Guard?  I don’t know but I think it might be?  

 

Definitely available for National Guard— my Ds was looking at that.  The only way I know to have the basic training in summer before senior year is NG. 

But I think Other branches allow enlisting before graduation with Basic to start the summer *after* graduating, and possibly with some pre-graduation “stuff”...    A senior my Ds knows who will be joining regular army has been out of school for several days or weeks for some army programs prior to graduating—I don’t know exact nature of that.

 

Marines also seem to have pre high school graduation enlistment possible with some sort of weekend training events during senior year.  

Some of the military branches have summer programs other than Basic, but entrance to them is probably very competitive and it may be too late to apply. 

OTOH someone able to take APUSH May do very well on ASVAB and possibly a high ASVAB score would open up some opportunities. 

[Lecka]

I think it’s worth a shot if he seems stable enough to benefit.  It is hard to know, if he has psychological problems that would be with him anywhere, or if a change would really benefit him.  

[TechWife]

I truly think military service needs to be far down the list of options, if it even makes the list at all. There are too many red flags out for me to believe that military service is a good option in the near future. This young man needs psychiatric assessment and help and basic training is not an appropriate place for such a person. I know people think that a life in the military has the potential to “turn a life around,” and I’m sure there are situations where that is true. However, keep in mind that military training & service is emotionally and physically taxing for the healthiest of people. It very well could cause someone a lot of problems if they do not go into it from a position of physical and mental health & stability. Additionally, the purpose of the military is to protect our nation, not to act as a therapeutic environment for troubled youth. They simply are not equipped to do that.

 

 

[Pen]

 

 

“Future Soldier Training Program where their recruiter will ensure they are prepared for their future with the military.”

 

And: 

 

“Delayed Entry Program (DEP), “ ... which allows young people to commit to becoming a Marine .... to stay at home and prepare for the rigors of recruit training with the guidance, direction and support of your Marine Corps recruiter. You will start an individual physical training program and begin to learn Marine Corps history, traditions and terminology.”

 

I think DEP also exists for other branches

[Pen]

1 minute ago, TechWife said:

I truly think military service needs to be far down the list of options, if it even makes the list at all. There are too many red flags out for me to believe that military service is a good option in the near future. This young man needs psychiatric assessment and help and basic training is not an appropriate place for such a person. I know people think that a life in the military has the potential to “turn a life around,” and I’m sure there are situations where that is true. However, keep in mind that military training & service is emotionally and physically taxing for the healthiest of people. It very well could cause someone a lot of problems if they do not go into it from a position of physical and mental health & stability. Additionally, the purpose of the military is to protect our nation, not to act as a therapeutic environment for troubled youth. They simply are not equipped to do that.

 

 

 

 

TIA

[Pen]

I meant ITA!

[Pen]

10 minutes ago, ``` said:

I don't know... I don't think I'd be steering this kid towards ANYTHING that puts a gun (or any other weapon) into his hands.  Just saying ......

 

He seems to have already had them.

[TechWife]

1 minute ago, Pen said:

 

He seems to have already had them.

Which doesn’t mean he needs training in warfare. 

[Valley Girl]

I'm so sorry Yael. I have nothing but prayers to offer you. I hope you find help soon for your DS.

I just wanted to comment on the suggestions to have troubled, potentially violent children enlist in the military. (Perhaps I'm misunderstanding, and that's not what's being suggested. I hope so.) I agree strict structure can be helpful for many kids, but really, do we honestly want psychologically troubled people who are already exhibiting worrisome behavior being given weapons training and then, perhaps, deployed? The military should NOT be used in place of appropriate mental health care. There are already enough issues within that organization.

 

[Pen]

14 minutes ago, Lecka said:

I think it’s worth a shot if he seems stable enough to benefit.  It is hard to know, if he has psychological problems that would be with him anywhere, or if a change would really benefit him.  

 

And that brings it back to that he needs a competent assessment ASAP

to determine if this is a mentally ill teen, a teen with an organic brain damage of some sort, etc.    or is this a teen who has been rebelling against his parents, religion, etc and needs to be bridged into meaningful (to him) adulthood. 

There’s probably no harm in contacting military recruiters.  If he’s mentally ill and incapable of not doing things like yelling at proctors that may well come out during talking to recruiters.  If he is situationally acting up because he doesn’t want the religious and AP to college path his parents want for him, he might immediately shape up. 

 

 

[GoodGrief]

15 minutes ago, TechWife said:

I truly think military service needs to be far down the list of options, if it even makes the list at all. There are too many red flags out for me to believe that military service is a good option in the near future.

 

 

 

If he already has a mental health history, I'm not sure he would pass the medical assessment.

[Pen]

11 minutes ago, TechWife said:

Which doesn’t mean he needs training in warfare. 

 

Again, I agree that number one thing he needs is competent in person assessment of his mental and brain health.

He’s one month away from being able to walk into a military recruitment office and sign up without parents.

 He has already expressed that military is something he Is interested in. 

If I understood correctly. 

 

Edited May 18, 2019 by Pen

[gardenmom5]

47 minutes ago, Pen said:

 

He seems to have already had them.

And Why no one should do anything that makes it easier for him to get them.

Edited May 18, 2019 by gardenmom5

[ktgrok]

Can you get him away from his peer group? A different town/state?

[Sneezyone]

57 minutes ago, Valley Girl said:

I'm so sorry Yael. I have nothing but prayers to offer you. I hope you find help soon for your DS.

I just wanted to comment on the suggestions to have troubled, potentially violent children enlist in the military. (Perhaps I'm misunderstanding, and that's not what's being suggested. I hope so.) I agree strict structure can be helpful for many kids, but really, do we honestly want psychologically troubled people who are already exhibiting worrisome behavior being given weapons training and then, perhaps, deployed? The military should NOT be used in place of appropriate mental health care. There are already enough issues within that organization.

 

Thank you! No, just no. Don’t make this kid someone else’s problem/threat. Get his issues worked out FIRST.

[Sneezyone]

2 hours ago, Pen said:

ETA if he’s actually mentally stable, not mentally ill, not unstable from brain tumor or TBI or lead poisoning or drug addiction..., then enlistment now, followed by Basic this summer and a change to a public school away from his current peers and school environment might work.  

 

The military is not a haven for individuals with checkered pasts. One of the questions they specifically ask you in recruiting is whether you have ever spoken to the police, been questioned, or picked up for any reason, regardless of whether there is a formal record. Also, very few non-high school graduates (e.g. GED holders) are allowed to enlist. The services need highly skilled, ALREADY disciplined individuals to serve. Recent history of pot use is likely to be disqualifying but adding to that possible mental health challenges and a history of threats toward authority figures is a recipe for disaster.

Edited May 18, 2019 by Sneezyone

[LarlaB]

Yael, you’re a good mom and a good person.  Just breathe for a moment.  You’ve been through a lot with your sister and now with your parents. And your son. And DH traveling.  It’s not an excuse, it’s reality.

I am overwhelmed reading the suggestions on this thread and truly hesitate to say anything.  I don’t know what I’d do. I’d be terrified and overwhelmed and desperate. We lease know i will pray for your family. 

I will offer:  please take care of you.  If you are not already doing so, please find a therapist who can focus on you and support you. It’s not meant to be “one more thing” on your to do list, rather a support mechanism to enable you to continue to breathe thru and work thru down very difficult circumstances.

You are a courageous mom to put this out there and ask for input.  May God give you wisdom and strength 

❤️

[Scarlett]

I keep checking for an update. I don’t know when her Sabbath ends.  

[Pen]

3 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I keep checking for an update. I don’t know when her Sabbath ends.  

Sundown is probably shortly after 8 pm Eastern time at this time of year.  Maybe 9 PM or a little later to check in on here, I’d guess, if they have a close of Sabbath service.

Edited May 18, 2019 by Pen

[Pen]

2 hours ago, GoodGrief1 said:

 

If he already has a mental health history, I'm not sure he would pass the medical assessment.

 

That’s true.

 It is possible that he doesn’t have a mental health history that would make military service a problem.  It is possible That “several therapists”  

and now the current school authorities have correctly concluded that there isn’t as much of a problem as this thread makes it sound like.  

 

It’s also possible that there’s a very serious problem.

1 hour ago, Sneezyone said:

 

The military is not a haven for individuals with checkered pasts. One of the questions they specifically ask you in recruiting is whether you have ever spoken to the police, been questioned, or picked up for any reason, regardless of whether there is a formal record. Also, very few non-high school graduates (e.g. GED holders) are allowed to enlist. The services need highly skilled, ALREADY disciplined individuals to serve. Recent history of pot use is likely to be disqualifying but adding to that possible mental health challenges and a history of threats toward authority figures is a recipe for disaster.

 

 

True.  

And telling the truth to military recruiters is important because lying in the recruitment process is a serious problem itself.

However, it is not necessarily the case that what he has done, even if fully and honestly disclosed to recruiters, will disqualify him.

We have a tiny picture of this youth based on our own images as evoked by OP and other posts.  And probably also shaped to some degree by recent school shootings and other images that are called up as we read the OP. 

It is also not clear to me that it would turn out that he has a genuine interest in joining military versus is saying that: perhaps saying he wants to do whatever is likely to disturb and get a rise out of his mom.  So, She wants him to be religious and a scholar—he wants, or says he wants,  to do pretty much the opposite.   And military or trade or whatever  may be genuinely what he wants .  Or it may be  that he needs to differentiate himself from the family goals for him. 

 

[mumto2]

I spoke with my Dh about the military options on this particular case.  He pointed out that the Ds in this thread would have the “right of return” to Israel which would mean he would most likely be drafted into the Israeli Defense Force automatically.  The qualification questions apparently are not a part of that particular scenario.  He is also pro military for this young man.

[Mergath]

Please, please do not encourage him to try to enlist. Basic training is psychologically difficult for a stable person, never mind someone with the symptoms your DS is exhibiting. The military can teach a lazy person how to have more self-discipline, but it CANNOT cure or treat mental illness. I don't know why so many people think it can do that. When I was in basic training, one of the guys I was training with snapped and attacked a drill sergeant. Thank god it happened in the first phase and not when we were doing rifle training. During AIT they had a special mattress near the main stairwell where they could keep an eye on the soldiers who were suicidal. There was at least one every day. 

Your son needs to work with mental health professionals. Drill sergeants are not mental health professionals. 

ETA: I should clarify that I'm bringing up the mattress thing not to tell you that they have a lot of experience dealing with mental illness, but to say LOOK HOW WELL THEY DON'T HANDLE IT. Suicidal? Spend the night on the special suicide mattress where a couple of exhausted teenagers on fire watch can make sure you don't kill yourself when they aren't mopping. It's horrifying. 

Edited May 19, 2019 by Mergath

[EMS83]

::hugs & prayers::  I know that's not what you asked for, but that's all I've got.

[Pen]

 

On 5/17/2019 at 1:46 PM, YaelAldrich said:

  I'll check back in on Saturday night.  Prayers are welcome.  Thank you

 

How are you all doing?

[Pen]

 

22 hours ago, BeachGal said:

2. This program looks good. Think:Kids program at MGH designed to help children and young adults with behavioral problems. It used to be called the Collaborative Problem Solving Institute.

 

http://www.thinkkids.org/

http://www.thinkkids.org/learn/about-thinkkids/

 

 

Yes.  CPS type approach could be an excellent fit!   Even if there were an organic brain problem CPS might make everything easier to deal with.

especially if a foundation for the problems was the Ds not wanting to follow parental religion.

 

 

 

[Pen]

Above makes me wonder: can this Ds leave the religion and still be part of the family?  

[Pen]

18 minutes ago, Patty Joanna said:

My ds does not practice our faith anymore, but ontologically, he is part of our family and part of the faith.  That he doesn't recognize the latter doesn't make it less true. 

"my truth" and "your truth" is a modern idea.  

How the parts of the family interact and what is acceptable expression is a separate issue.  

I'm sounding curt because I'm whipped--long three weeks, and in some sense, long 7 years.. Please forgive me.  I don't mean to be curt...but this is something I have thought a lot about but don't have the energy at the moment to expound.  

I will always love my son, and he will always be part of our family...whether he knows it or not (and increasingly, he does--both family of birth and family of faith--and I never thought, 5 years ago, that I would be able to say that).

 

 

 

I’m wondering about religious rules specific to Yael’s religious community.

my understanding is that in some situations conversion out of faith or other actions may require family to consider the child to have died, or forms of “shunning” required, or no longer allowed into family fold

I may be incorrect that this is ever true, and even if it is, it may not be true for the situation in this thread

but trying to understand it from outside, Ds behavior may be less extreme if renunciation of faith carried a shunning type of response as part of the community expectations

[Pen]

11 hours ago, Patty Joanna said:

My ds does not practice our faith anymore, but ontologically, he is part of our family and part of the faith.  That he doesn't recognize the latter doesn't make it less true. 

"my truth" and "your truth" is a modern idea.  

 

I was was thinking about this last night and have come back to it because I think I was too quick to dismiss your reply as not applicable because you aren’t, iirc, of the same religious group as is Yael.

And yet when I thought more about it, the closest situation I can think of that I know of personally irl  concerned and eastern orthodox family. One of the boys left the faith after having been previously intending to become a priest like his father. It was a very emotionally traumatic  situation to have the apple of their eye reject their faith.  

And even without a clear religious mandate about shunning someone who has left the faith, or pretending that the child who left the faith is dead, there was still what from outside perspective seemed extreme reaction.  

 

Yael’s son, as described here sounds to many of us reading like he may be mentally ill, and has evoked a feeling of hatred from his mother.  Why?  Although many of us felt worried about her and the other children in the home being safe, it didn’t sound like she was worried about that herself.   The school authorities are, apparently, not enough worried about him being a threat there to suspend him in or out of school.  

What’s really going on?

He has wounded his mother’s soul, she wrote, because he has rejected her faith.  He has dishonored his parents.  Also he has embarrassed them by not being a good student and by doing things to the point of involving police.

 For some of us, me included, choosing a different faith or none doesn’t seem like a big deal.  For others of us, it’s a huge thing, a sin or a violation of the Commandments or similar.  It’s soul wounding to the parent, and perhaps a significant part of what might lead to a feeling of hate.  

It seems to have taken you 5 years to get to a place of loving your son despite his rejection of your faith.  And still the relationship is probably not what it would have been if he hadn’t done that.  I know for the family I know irl it has been over a decade and it isn’t the same as it would have been if the son had not left the faith, let alone if he had remained the apple of their eye and become a priest.

Another side is that from the child POV it doesn’t seem like love. It seems like rejection. It seems like only very conditional love so long as they are fulfilling the parental desires.  And emotionally that is a huge, huge thing to deal with if they have come to a place in themselves where the religious ideas they were raised with no longer make sense to them.

This May be a serious mental illness, addiction, a brain tumor, many things that I and others have speculated about. Or other things we have not thought of.

Or

It may be a desparate cry from a child to be loved and accepted for himself, not for being a reflection of his parents. 

[Pen]

15 minutes ago, Patty Joanna said:

I expressed myself badly. I always loved my son and his rejection of our faith did nothing to change that.  What it DID do was make it. bit of a chore to figure out what it looked like to live together as a family--for both of us. What we talked about changed.  And how we responded to what we talked about changed.  Example:. my dh and I would talk about something we we're learning at church. Should we do that if DS is in the room?  Will he think we are pushing something at him? And for DS, should he speak up and state his position? Or just be quiet?   When he was a minor, should we expect him to go to church? Etc.  It wasn't shunning or rejection or any less live--it was just a change and we had to figure out what it looked like, and so it was uncomfortable at times.  

And he got games-addicted and that has to be dealt with and that was tough but it was never done without love--and he knew that even at the time.  

He comes to church with us from time to time because he knows he is well loved and he gets a lot of encouragement.  No one at church has ever shunned or rejected him--this is what he told me recently. 

The thing I meant to convey originally is that rejection and shunning is not really that helpful.  

:0)

 

Okay. I misunderstood your post. Please forgive me.

nonetheless, in some religious groups, a child leaving the faith *is* a very, very big deal, (I don’t know the details on that for Yael’s) and reading through the op it seems that a change from 9th grade (?) happily embracing his part religious / part secular education private school to rejection of that in 10th (?) and wanting to go to public school was near the start of the cascade of events described    It isn’t clear whether short of acting out to the point of being suspended he would have been allowed to leave that school. Nor what was in his mind and soul (perhaps going through his own crisis of faith) about that aside from how open to change of faith and going to public school his parents might actually have been.

The more I read it the more it seems like the thinkkids.org CPS approach linked by @BeachGal might be a big help in opening up communication that doesn’t involve the youth acting out to point of suspension, police contacts, perhaps “passive-aggressive” lying in bed doing nothing for a year in order to be heard .  

Christopher Willard (website for him is something like drchristopherwillard.com) a psychologist in that area might also be worth contacting as possibly able to help  this youth not to self destruct .  The happilyfamily and a Ted x talk by him I heard seems like he has a good grasp of teen feelings. And as someone who has taught at Harvard he might know who would be good in Boston if his practice is full or too far or if he’s mainly writing and teaching not seeing people as clients directly.

 

 

 I realize that we all have very, very little info really to go on.  However, once your , @Patty Joanna , post led me to think of the Eastern Orthodox Family I knew with the former altar boy son turned wild (it was temporary, last I heard he’s fine) , even though I misunderstood your own post it lead me to a different potential view (potential only, not necessarily any more accurate than any other speculation I have had) of what could be going on at root with the problems of the teen in this thread.  What seems different in this view is that it seems more consistent with what the “several therapists” who saw the boy in person concluded.

[Laurie]

1 hour ago, Pen said:

 

 

It may be a desparate cry from a child to be loved and accepted for himself, not for being a reflection of his parents. 

 If this is the case, he needs a wake up call that who he really is  STINKS.   I'm sure many people have rejected their family's faith but haven't turned to making violent threats to others, using drugs, being shiftless, etc.  

It sounds very simple to me.  He got in with a bad crowd and liked the rebellious/sinful lifestyle.  He started smoking pot, and who knows how much damage has been done to his brain.

He needs tough love, not a Hallmark card about how special/wonderful he is.  

[Mergath]

9 hours ago, Laurie said:

 If this is the case, he needs a wake up call that who he really is  STINKS.   I'm sure many people have rejected their family's faith but haven't turned to making violent threats to others, using drugs, being shiftless, etc.  

It sounds very simple to me.  He got in with a bad crowd and liked the rebellious/sinful lifestyle.  He started smoking pot, and who knows how much damage has been done to his brain.

He needs tough love, not a Hallmark card about how special/wonderful he is.  

 

If sin and pot turned teenagers into violent sociopaths, we never would have survived the nineties. Tough love is going to do exactly jack shit if this boy has a mental illness or personality disorder. In all probability he needs inpatient treatment, meds, and specialized therapy.

Edited May 20, 2019 by Mergath

[Lang Syne Boardie]

1 hour ago, Laurie said:

 If this is the case, he needs a wake up call that who he really is  STINKS.   I'm sure many people have rejected their family's faith but haven't turned to making violent threats to others, using drugs, being shiftless, etc.  

It sounds very simple to me.  He got in with a bad crowd and liked the rebellious/sinful lifestyle.  He started smoking pot, and who knows how much damage has been done to his brain.

He needs tough love, not a Hallmark card about how special/wonderful he is.  

I don't understand how lying in bed for a year after being sick, followed by antisocial and self-destructive behavior, can possibly sound very simple to you. "Evil companions corrupt good morals," but I'd like to meet the neighborhood thug who can make a previously healthy boy lie abed and soak up god-knows-what on the internet for a year before acting out in a fairly terrifying way.

This history makes me and almost* all the other people think, "This is obviously complex, and the family really needs some local, professional help, as they treat their situation as an absolute emergency. Maybe reconsider a traveling dad and holy days off and how to just keep going to the high school where he threatened people, at least through the acute part of this crisis."

*The rest think that if he's given a GED and his story is whitewashed enough to fool a recruiter, the military could discipline this all right out of him. 

[EKS]

1 hour ago, Mergath said:

If sin and pot turned teenagers into violent sociopaths, we never would have survived the nineties. Tough love is going to do exactly jack shit if this boy has a mental illness or personality disorder. In all probably he needs inpatient treatment, meds, and specialized therapy.

Or the 60s, 70s, or 80s.  

The pot is not this kid's problem.

[Pen]

 

3 hours ago, Laurie said:

He needs tough love,

 

Which means what, precisely?