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My ex-husband died this week

elegantlion

By elegantlion,
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elegantlion

elegantlion

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Many of you know my story. My ex and I separated in 2013, divorce was finalized in 2014 amidst some very trying circumstances. Ex had health problems, had open heart surgery and a kidney removed a few years ago. He had been a carpenter for a number of years. Fortunately, he died at home sitting in his chair, his girlfriend had been there because he'd been sick. 

So, my mother's day will be spent at a funeral. My son is ambivalent as their relationship was strained at best. My mom is heartbroken because she's one of the few people that never really gave up on him. He was a man of extremes. His own family all has to travel. It will be good to see them again. 

Ds had just finished finals week, mine are next week. This is going to be weird grief. I didn't have to plan a thing, his sister had been coming into town for work and literally had just landed at the airport when she got the call from ex's girlfriend. I got the meet the girlfriend, that's weird, to introduce yourself and wonder what he'd said about me - apparently he didn't say bad things. I have friends that are super supportive and will be there. I sat up with a friend almost all night a few days ago. They listened and helped me process some of these feelings. Ds has friends and other adult males that already were fulfilling a father's role more than his own dad had recently. My mom's sister was actually in town when we got word, so that was very helpful. 

We had been married 20 years. In many ways the man I was married to was completely different than the man he'd been the last few years. His girlfriend loved him, they'd been together for over a year. 

He was 58, which is too young regardless the circumstances. 

So many of you had been there for me and ds when my life fell apart. I felt I should share with you now the final chapter of his journey. 

If you are inclined to offer thoughts, prayers, well-wishes, or hugs, we'll take those. I'm almost more worried about my mom than my son. 

 

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Pen

Pen

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4 minutes ago, elegantlion said:

If you are inclined to offer thoughts, prayers, well-wishes, or hugs, we'll take those. I'm almost more worried about my mom than my son.

 

All those!  I hope everyone will be okay. My son’s biological father died this year,  and IME it can be hard  even if relationship was strained.

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Acadie

Acadie

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I remember, and send my sincere condolences. 

It sounds like you've got genuine relationships, support and insight to get you through this, and that you've acknowledged and grieved the changes in the man you married. It's a blessing that your son's exams are done, so however this goes for him, he has space to sit with it. And I'm glad that you got to hear how well your ex-husband spoke of you, and that it feels good to see his family again. 

Is it possible to let your mom handle her complicated feelings herself? You've got enough to manage, between you and ds. There's something lovely about the idea of not giving up on someone, but I wish she could offer you support, rather than requiring it. 

Best to you and your son,

Amy

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ktgrok

ktgrok

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oh I'm so so sorry. I recently went through the same thing...eerily similar actually....heart problems, kidney disease, my son's relationship a bit strained with him, other people acting as role models for him, etc. It was...confusing. And hard. 

I'll be praying. 

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Scarlett

Scarlett

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2 hours ago, elegantlion said:

Many of you know my story. My ex and I separated in 2013, divorce was finalized in 2014 amidst some very trying circumstances. Ex had health problems, had open heart surgery and a kidney removed a few years ago. He had been a carpenter for a number of years. Fortunately, he died at home sitting in his chair, his girlfriend had been there because he'd been sick. 

So, my mother's day will be spent at a funeral. My son is ambivalent as their relationship was strained at best. My mom is heartbroken because she's one of the few people that never really gave up on him. He was a man of extremes. His own family all has to travel. It will be good to see them again. 

Ds had just finished finals week, mine are next week. This is going to be weird grief. I didn't have to plan a thing, his sister had been coming into town for work and literally had just landed at the airport when she got the call from ex's girlfriend. I got the meet the girlfriend, that's weird, to introduce yourself and wonder what he'd said about me - apparently he didn't say bad things. I have friends that are super supportive and will be there. I sat up with a friend almost all night a few days ago. They listened and helped me process some of these feelings. Ds has friends and other adult males that already were fulfilling a father's role more than his own dad had recently. My mom's sister was actually in town when we got word, so that was very helpful. 

We had been married 20 years. In many ways the man I was married to was completely different than the man he'd been the last few years. His girlfriend loved him, they'd been together for over a year. 

He was 58, which is too young regardless the circumstances. 

So many of you had been there for me and ds when my life fell apart. I felt I should share with you now the final chapter of his journey. 

If you are inclined to offer thoughts, prayers, well-wishes, or hugs, we'll take those. I'm almost more worried about my mom than my son. 

 

I am so so sorry. I about fell over when I saw this post.  I really am speechless. Hugs to you and your son.  I know if it was my xh I would have crazy emotions even though I am happily remarried.  

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Chris in VA

Chris in VA

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I'm sorry for your loss, and glad you have friends to process with.

I think it is very kind of you to acknowledge your mom's feelings, too. Dd recently broke up with a long term bf, and I think I was more upset, and that was just a teen boyfriend ( but he was special to me), so I can somewhat imagine your mom's feelings--there isn't generally acknowledgement for ex-moms-in-law so bless you for that. 

I hope your happier memories are a comfort. 

 

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