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what to do with DD's hair


caedmyn
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My 13 YO has long (mid-back), fine, very thick hair.  She is more of a tomboy by nature and her hair perpetually looks like she just walked through a windstorm.  She doesn't like it down but the only thing she knows how to do with it is to put it in a ponytail.  She dislikes taking showers and particularly dislikes washing her hair...it's like pulling teeth to get her to wash her hair twice a week.  She does brush it thoroughly two or three times a day but it is always full of tangles by the next time she brushes it (even if it's in a ponytail...idk how she does it).  She had it thinned a few months ago but I can't tell that that really helped anything.

So...she needs to have shorter hair.  She finally agreed that she really can't manage her hair and needs it shorter.  But she doesn't want short hair, and still wants to be able to "fix" it (have me or grandma braid it, or put it in a ponytail).  She would prefer to just have a few inches cut off but I don't think a few inches off is going to help much with the tangling and unmanageableness of it. 

I'm looking for ideas for cute, medium-length haircuts that requires very very minimal styling, or other suggestions for ways to make her hair more manageable.

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I suggest a trip to a good stylist who can cut it in a way becoming to her and easy to manage.

even if you then cut it yourself, it should be easier to maintain trimming  a simple good cut someone else did than to figure it out yourself 

ponytail is somewhat popular right now where I am — especially if high up on head and perky looking— and that can be done with shoulder length hair.  

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My two cents:

Before trying a haircut...get a good trim to get rid of a good amount of split ends and then switch to combing instead of brushing.  Also, do not sleep in a ponytail.

I wash with conditioner and if I run out and use shampoo my hair is horribly tangled.  I think it would be worth considering going to conditioner only.  (I use tea tree oil conditioner from Trader Joe's.  First I use it as if it were shampoo and then use it like conditioner.)

I think shorter hair is always harder to keep up.

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May I suggest a conditioner for now and once she gets a hair cut-  Giovanni Nutraflix Hair Reconstructor. I use this and so does DD ( she got my can tangle without moving hair) a few times a week and it works.  Let it sit on the hair for a few minutes to work the best.  A comb just runs through it.  I also use this once a week- dermorganic intensive hair masque.  No tangles.  Maybe she might try one of these to help with her hair even if she is showering twice a week.  

I have very long, thick hair ( past my butt).  I could get tangles just sitting.  My mother’s solution to help manage was short hair. I got tangled still in it.  

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What about keeping it braided? My 13 year old has hair almost to her waist, and she sleeps with it in a braid to cut down on snarls (we braid it after her shower, while still damp). Then when she wakes up, it still looks *relatively* tidy, so she just leaves it in the braid. (Unless we're doing something or going somewhere, then she unbraids it and brushes it.) Very low maintenance. 

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My hair is waist length, fine, and still pretty thick, (though not as thick as when I was young).  I know when it's time to trim it because it starts tangling.  The ends just get sort of rough and start catching on each other.  I generally need to cut about 4 inches off, and then it starts sliding and swishing again, no tangles.  I like to have a few inches of layering at the bottom to soften the look.

If you or she wants to cut it, look at my tiny little profile picture.  I had this style for several years, and it was super easy to take care of.  It's shoulder length, layered just slightly at the bottom so that it curves neatly under.  The bangs kept it from falling in my eyes.

Another cute style is to bob it all shoulder length.  It is just long enough to be pulled back, either in a half or full pony tail.  Or, it looks cute just tucked behind the ears.  

Edited by Suzanne in ABQ
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I'd also suggest shoulder length, either one length, or with some very long layers. She can still get it in a pony tail or braid it, but it will be much easier to manage.

Also popular right now is a kind of messy bun plopped on top of the head. Both of my daughters do this. A bun would keep it from tangling but require slightly longer hair. DD13's hair is just below her shoulders, and she wears a bun often. Not a tight bun with bobby pins. Just a blob held in place with an elastic or two.

Can she learn to braid it herself? It takes some practice and won't look good for awhile, but eventually she would get better at it. DD17 especially likes braiding her own hair right now, and DD13 braids her own hair sometimes. Different types of braids are popular right now.

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Also possible, some girls we know have quite short hair for everyday ease (particularly the athletic Tom boys ) and use a “hair extension” for when they want a more done up hair and dressed up look (for example for an ice skating competition or party). 

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Hair grows. I'd actually encourage her to try a shorter style, just from what you described, though obviously it's up to her. Something that grows out easily, like a bob, maybe more of a chin length style. See if she likes it. She can still pull it back with barrettes and the like. And then if she wants it longer again, let it grow. It won't take that long in the grand scheme to get it to shoulder length.

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Everybody else's advice is really good, especially about keeping it in braids and having it braided (and preferably with a sleep-cap) overnight.

I just want to say something about showers. If her problem with showers is the feel of the shower itself on her head, would it make sense for her to have her hair washed while sitting down, in the sink? You know, like at a salon? You could take it slow, she wouldn't have to get her face wet, and instead of the pit-pit-pit-pit-pit of the shower she could have regular running water or even immerse her head, which might be less uncomfortable. You might also try adjusting the shower head so it sends out the water at a different pressure. I always set mine so it comes out almost like from the tap, and it's very comfortable for me that way.

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DD12 has thick hair that is part straight and part wavy. The best things we do....wash in Nexus shampoo/conditioner (Costco has decent prices). I use 4 pumps of each to get through her hair. I comb it with the conditioner to get all the tangles out. Then I squish the water out, (not rub) to keep it brushed when she gets out of the shower. We have turban towels for her to wrap her hair when it is wet to get excess water out and to keep the drips off her shoulders. They help her a lot to keep it from getting too tangled right out of the shower while she gets dressed etc. I keep it cut between her shoulders and bra strap. It is long enough that I can put it in a soft braid down her back every day (even when sleeps). It keeps it out of her face and keeps it from getting too tangled. If her hair is too tangled and I can't brush it, I just divide the mess into three sections and braid it anyways. LOL It works and keeps it from getting worse.  Then I deal with the tangles in the next shower. At 12yo she can technically wash it but it is really hard for her to get clean, conditioned, and rinsed! She  prefers I help, so I help her most of the time, but still have her do it some so she can get better at it.  Dd has beautiful hair, so it is hard to keep it tied back all the time, but right now....it is the best answer. BTW.... for dd, her hair does best only getting washed a couple times per week. It is so thick it just absorbs the oils so it doesn't really look greasy even after 2 days, but it keeps it so much healthier....which equals... easier care. 

Edited by Tap
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OK.  lots of experience with long hair - past the waist long hair.

can she braid?  it will keep it free of tangles far better than a pony tail.

bun - at this length - she can use a pencil to weave from side to side and keep it in place.  (dd - fine, thick butt length hair, grows super fast, - does this all the time.) - it's really fast too.   while octopus clips are nice, even the big ones don't hold very much hair.  (dd often crawls around on the floor, sticking her head in things, and up and down ladders as part of her job. - so it keeps hair out of the way better than anything but a super short haircut.)

I've also done a pony tail - but the last time through the elastic is "not quite" all the way.   the hair is like a twice as thick pony tail - but the ends are under better control.  depending upon length, the bottom can even be clipped down.  (too make it "snazzy", a section can be kept back, and wrapped around the elastic.)

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7 hours ago, happi duck said:

My two cents:

Before trying a haircut...get a good trim to get rid of a good amount of split ends and then switch to combing instead of brushing.  Also, do not sleep in a ponytail.

I wash with conditioner and if I run out and use shampoo my hair is horribly tangled.  I think it would be worth considering going to conditioner only.  (I use tea tree oil conditioner from Trader Joe's.  First I use it as if it were shampoo and then use it like conditioner.)

I think shorter hair is always harder to keep up.

easier to wash - but requires more care.

I dread washing long hair - I'm getting sick of my short hair again.  it's a pain.

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Something else occurs to me... I have boys, but some of this is just straight developmental and it was around heading into age 13 that my kids finally (finally!) began to get systematically better at personal grooming stuff. So some of this may resolve soon.

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Are you sure you're not talking about MY daughter? 13 years old, mid-back length hair, fine but thick curly hair that easily tangles, hates showers especially washing hair??? 
That really sounds like my dd!

I have bought multiple types of shampoo, very nice shampoo, leave-in conditioner, etc. None of that works if she refuses to use it, or only uses it occasionally. I have decided that as unkempt as it looks, I am only going to worry about making sure she keeps it clean. If she's content with channeling her first-year Hermoine Granger (as I've put it) then fine. It's her head.

I suspect that as she gets older, she'll decided what to do about it herself. Until then, I'll supply her with the necessary tools and products, but if she wants to leave the house with a frizzy mess, it's on her. No matter what I say or how I say it, she's still 13, and I'm just a nagging mom. 

I've already crossed similar bridges with her older brothers, so it's kinda BTDT for me. Their choices in clothes. And the body odor. Aack!!! And the battles. (Take a shower already! Wear deodorant EVERY DAY! And could you please just make sure it's matching and there are no stains or holes? Please?!) At this point, I've really learned to just let go and let them make their own decisions. I keep my firm line at hygiene. Beyond that, it's their lives.

For all of them, if they have to dress a bit nicer, I lay out specific guidelines: take a shower, wash your hair, wear nice jeans, etc. But I try not to do that too often. They're much more willing to give in if I keep it occasional (and when it's really important to me) and let them have more control every day.

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15 hours ago, caedmyn said:

She dislikes taking showers and particularly dislikes washing her hair...

Short isn't really going to solve this, unless you mean super short. My ds has very thick, fluffy hair that he likes to keep on the fuller side, and he perpetually looks like Einstein unless we're after him.

Have you looked at whether she has sensory issues? It sounds like getting help on the sensory and the social delay and being clueless about her need to shower would help. I'm sure you've already worked on that. At this age she could be showering every day and some kids do better having that routine even if they don't quite need it. 

Does she ever try wearing it up in a bun? She may not have noticed other girls doing this to know she has the option. Is it hard for her to braid her hair? They say not to braid your hair at night, but I did at that age. Is she a rough sleeper? That tossing and turning can make it worse.

You can also look at a Wet Brush. They're in stores, at the salons, on amazon, and they're pretty cheap ($6 maybe) and work well. I use one and it's what the stylist gave my Einstein hair ds. 

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As others have mentioned I find shorter hair more difficult.  When I was young I washed my long hair every other day.  Now it is less than that.  I have wavy/curly hair so I spend some time (15 min on the day I wash  it) straightening it but then the next day I just brush it.  The times my hair was too short for a pony tail....MISERABLE.  

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I suspect that people who find short hair harder find it that way in the context of being an adult who cares how they look. A kid who isn’t doing enough hair washing and barely cares is she’s got a funny cowlick may feel differently than an adult trying to be presentable.

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13 hours ago, Katy said:

Chin length is too short to ponytail.  Start with shoulder length.

 

Individual chins and shoulders differ. As well as how high a ponytail is desired (higher usually requires the hair to be a bit longer.

  I recommend telling the person who cuts  it to make it long enough for short ponytail.  Or if mom cuts, putting it into pony tail and noting the minimum length it can be for pony on that child.  

11 minutes ago, Farrar said:

I suspect that people who find short hair harder find it that way in the context of being an adult who cares how they look. A kid who isn’t doing enough hair washing and barely cares is she’s got a funny cowlick may feel differently than an adult trying to be presentable.

 

I agree.

long heavy hair is much harder imo to deal with as to basics of hygiene than is short hair. 

And special styling with the “extensions” can make kid  hair cut just long enough for ponytail look great .  

Good hair cutters can also sometimes do “wash and wear” short  haircuts that are very cute for a kid, though might not work for a professional woman

 

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I have mid back, fine, thick hair.  One thing I do that is helpful is to do a small french braid on either side of my side part and then pull the whole thing back into a bun sort of lowish on my head.  Kind of a faux crown braid.  This stays put all day, even through martial arts in the evening.  Takes between 5-10 mins in the morning but no hair fuss until bed.  Loose side braid for bed.

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I remember your previous posts about her showering issues. Did you try any of the things we suggested about getting a detachable shower head, using a wet brush, reviewing her showering technique?

How did that go?

My experience with my daughters has been that there is little difference between mid-back and shoulder length hair when the problem is failing to clean the scalp correctly and brushing improperly. 

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On 5/10/2019 at 1:23 PM, Farrar said:

I suspect that people who find short hair harder find it that way in the context of being an adult who cares how they look. A kid who isn’t doing enough hair washing and barely cares is she’s got a funny cowlick may feel differently than an adult trying to be presentable.

Yes, when my dd9 has had shorter hair it tangles less and is faster/easier to wash. For her that meant shoulder length or shorter with bangs. 

Also, although I get that the OPs daughter probably doesn't want to go pixie short, my pixie cut is SO easy/fast. Much easier than when I had long hair. 

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20 hours ago, prairiewindmomma said:

I remember your previous posts about her showering issues. Did you try any of the things we suggested about getting a detachable shower head, using a wet brush, reviewing her showering technique?

How did that go?

My experience with my daughters has been that there is little difference between mid-back and shoulder length hair when the problem is failing to clean the scalp correctly and brushing improperly. 

She started washing her hair in the master bathroom shower which has much better water pressure and also a detachable showerhead (though I don’t think she uses it).  And I did go over how to wash her hair.  It has looked cleaner the last couple weeks, but she was having so many issues with tangles.  She does brush her hair thoroughly but it doesn’t seem to prevent constant retangling.

She got her hair cut to just past her shoulders with a bit of layering and is pretty happy with it.  It looks cute and I think it will be MUCH easier for her to manage now.  The hairstylist also talked to her about how to manage it.

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1 hour ago, caedmyn said:

She got her hair cut to just past her shoulders with a bit of layering and is pretty happy with it.  It looks cute and I think it will be MUCH easier for her to manage now.  The hairstylist also talked to her about how to manage it.

Yay!!

Here's what she needs for the detangling. It's only $7 on amazon                                             Wet Brush Pro Flex Dry, Ombre                                       Also she needs conditioner. It changes the pH to help the tangles come out. I usually run my fingers through first and then do the wet brush, but I always do it with the conditioner in. And yes, it should be a lot easier now with the layers. Yay!!!

I hang my wet brush on one of those Command hooks that you can put in the shower. You find them in the bathroom section of walmart. That way it's right there. Oh foo, just realized mine has a hook like this!                                             Wet Brush Shower Flex Hair Brush, Teal, 1 Count                                     

Edited by PeterPan
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22 hours ago, prairiewindmomma said:

I remember your previous posts about her showering issues. Did you try any of the things we suggested about getting a detachable shower head, using a wet brush, reviewing her showering technique?

How did that go?

 

I wonder this too.

 

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I think that will help a lot. Hair at my shoulders didn't tangle badly. Hair at my bra strap did, really badly. 

Also, do trims every so often, as the split ends to encourage tangles. Just regularly trimming can really help. 

And those wet brushes are awesome. 

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