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fairfarmhand

My annual I hate mother’s day thread

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My mom was diagnosed with cancer when I was 19. For 12 years after that mother day was awful, as her health deteriorated to the point that she was no longer th woman i remembered from childhood. 8 years ago she passed.

so it’s hard. There is that. 

Also, I have many memories of mothers days when it was just a crappy day. My dh was crabby, made plans without ever talking to me with his family, etc...(In fairness, he’s not typically like that but for some reason things like holidays and family plans short circuit his brain) 

this year, my oldest dd is barely speaking to us. (Long story and very complicated. No it can’t be fixed by a hug),

Can we just call off mother day. I’m tired of this holiday. 

 

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You’re singing my song, sister.   For almost exactly the same reasons. 

I kind of try to stay out of stores and restaurants around MD too because well meaning folks ask if I have big MD plans. They’re well meaning, of course, but...

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I'm sorry, FFH.

I too hate mother's day. I have no concrete reason, no issues with my mom or my kids. But the day feels so horribly artificial to me. Since becoming a mother I particularly dislike the day because I feel it more or less forces others to acknowledge me. I don't care for attention any time, and particularly hate the forced attention that MD (and birthdays) brings. Ugh. 

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24 minutes ago, Annie G said:

You’re singing my song, sister.   For almost exactly the same reasons. 

I kind of try to stay out of stores and restaurants around MD too because well meaning folks ask if I have big MD plans. They’re well meaning, of course, but...

Yeah, it’s really not socially acceptable to say “well, I’ll probably cry, be touchy with my family, and be glad when the day is over. But thanks for asking anyway.” 

We attend church and there’s always a recognition of motherhood, which I don’t like. Because some family relationships are complicated and bringing that pain up in a place of worship doesn’t seem right. And there are many wonderful women who have never had children and they are also worthy of recognition and appreciation. 

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Yes, my mother was a terror. Narcotics, narcissism, and dementia. 

And I'm a single parent.

I told my college kids to get me cards and leave it at that. I love our church, but at times there are flowery sermons on Mother's Day that are triggering for me. We'll see.

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Add me to the club. We usually make plans to be camping or out of town to avoid having to visit others, so we've somewhat turned it around, but I do get sad thinking about it. 

 

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You are not alone.  My mom has a lot of issues and our relationship is so sad for me at this point.    I really try and stay away from the Hallmark picture perfect celebrations of this.  

Do whatever feels good for you.  

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I don't like most holidays.  If you're not religious (I'm not) and not into manufactured gestures of appreciation for people you appreciate just fine the other 364 days of the year, there are like 4 decent holidays left in the US.  

Mother's Day makes me feel awkward.  I don't need cards or flowers or whatever, I know my kids like me.  They're 1, 2, 4, 5, 7, 10, and 13.  Of course they like me. (the 13 year old is iffy).  I call my mom and send a card, but it feels weird.

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4 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

Yeah, it’s really not socially acceptable to say “well, I’ll probably cry, be touchy with my family, and be glad when the day is over. But thanks for asking anyway.” 

snipped

Yep. 

I hate Mother’s Day. It happens to be the day that my life flipped completely upside down and many years later shows no signs of righting itself. I hate the reminder that I used to enjoy being a mom. It’s not socially acceptable to say that either. In fact, I should probably delete this entire comment. 

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Thanks for this thread.  I hate md too.

My mom died when my oldest was 10 weeks.  My first md as a mom was my first md *without* a mom.  Md is just sad.

Has anyone else noticed that advertising for md is getting earlier and earlier?  Displays and ads make me sad.  I'd love to be buying a gift and be making plans with my mom.

I miss her so much.

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I get the "just a SAHM" treatment enough in life (and have for 23 years) that saccharine attitudes on ONE day don't really cut the mustard for me.  I don't want to do MD as a public holiday. I am fine with the flowers, cards and visits from my own children; I'm happy to get those on MD and my birthday but I don't want them to do anything beyond that.

(Trigger:Politics)

Our nation doesn't do much to value mothers on the daily. Look at the stigma of "not working" and trouble reentering the workforce, for SAHMs. Look at the cost of childcare, exceeding mortgage for most families. Look at the absence of maternity leave. Look at the difficulty getting diagnosis and support for postpartum issues, whether mental, emotional, or physical. Look at disparity of care during pregnancy and childbirth for mothers who are black or poor. Look at disparate housing, health care and education for children of poor mothers. Let's address these issues and then there will be something more than fleeting sentiment behind our one day of "honoring" Mom.

 

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I hate it too, for a myriad of reasons.  I agree, call it off.

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Yes. It was always so forced growing up. We aren’t good at celebrating and gift giving in general and the forced ones are super awkward. Until my mom died I used to dislike that I had to make it her day even though I was in the deep end intensely mothering four little kids. But you aren’t allowed to say that because people that don’t have moms living will shame you. Then my mom died and I don’t miss the holiday itself because it was always forced but I do feel guilty that I felt that way. 

I don’t get along with MIL at all. She is not at all a mother figure to me. But she will call and wish me happy mother’s day and I will have to wish her happy mother’s day and we’ll do that dance. I wish she could just let my dh and kids call her and leave me out of it. She isn’t my mom. 

I’m not into birthdays or Valentine’s Day either. Just not up for the ones that we are told who we have to honor on what exact day. I really want everyone to be kind and respectful every day and/or show appreciation out of the blue because it is heartfelt. 

Again I am weird and not with the current culture. But these holidays seem to be getting bigger not smaller. 

Didn’t this used to be a day for honoring your own mom and grandma and special older women in your life?  When did it become every person has to honor all mother’s??  I’m going to have to do the Happy Mother’s Day exchanges with everyone at church, all the neighbors and I’ll probably get random texts and calls from people not descended from me wishing me Happy Mother’s Day. I’m not your mother!!!! 

Hugs to everyone.

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So today, I was at the store picking up a few things. 

I did go to the card aisle. Bought a card for my mil for my dh to sign. Bought one for my good friend who’s supported me through this time of conflict with my oldest.

Bought one for my stepmom who really is wonderful. She is precious and I really do love blessing her on mother’s day. It means something to her because she never had kids and expects nothing on this day.

reading all the mom cards brought tears to my eyes. It’s so hard. Grief for mom, grief over my relationship with my dd. I had to get out of there quick. 

I will celebrate these special ladies even though they’re not dna related to me, but for me, I’ll probably have a good cry and take an afternoon nap. And try really hard to not notice the families who are happily sitting together in the church pews, some of them 3 generations enjoying the day together.

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I hate Mother's Day too.  For a lot of reasons.  Can we just do away with it as a holiday?

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There are 3 days in the year that I hate, Mother's Day being one. I hate the forced feel to it. I hate what it has morphed into. I hate the petty, immature demands women put on their families/husbands as far as gifts, treatment (he's not your mom so get over yourself). And now, with young adult children who are our greatest disappointment, I hate the idea that any of them would so much as breathe sentiments of "Happy Mother's Day" my way. I won't go to church on Mother's Day. This year I plan to pack up the kids still at home and head out for a day by ourselves - the kids I still enjoy and who still want to be a part of the family, who value their siblings and parents, who are not caught up in their own stupidity and selfishness (yet). Nothing different about Mother's Day here, just want to be with those with whom I enjoy spending time and without any hypocrisy or declarations that are not really meant, just expected.

Yeah, I hate Mother's Day more than ever.

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I’m sorry. That is so lousy. Mother’s Day was ruined for me in 2003, when my baby girl died in labor on May 6th. Mother’s Day followed, of course, and it just forever changed the way I approach that day. I’m always thinking about my little girl as her birthday comes up and Mother’s Day is intertwined with that sorrow. 

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I hate Mother’s and Father’s Day.  Hate.Them.    I told ds to give me a hug and I’d be thrilled with that.   It’s just the dumbest holiday.   I’m sorry for all those with absent or passed-on moms and absent or passed-on kids.  😔   

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11 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

Yeah, it’s really not socially acceptable to say “well, I’ll probably cry, be touchy with my family, and be glad when the day is over. But thanks for asking anyway.” 

We attend church and there’s always a recognition of motherhood, which I don’t like. Because some family relationships are complicated and bringing that pain up in a place of worship doesn’t seem right. And there are many wonderful women who have never had children and they are also worthy of recognition and appreciation. 

When dh and I were kids, the churches we attended always did those special recognitions for the mom with the most children or the longest-term mother or whatever. Thank God they seem to have done away with those awful traditions. The mom who has 11 kids should get the potted flowers? Why??? 

Dh said his mom (6 kids) or one other family who had, I think 7, would win year after year. Small rural church; same families for forty years. I guess at some point they realized, at least, the foolishness of always giving plants to the same two ladies. 

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7 minutes ago, Quill said:

When dh and I were kids, the churches we attended always did those special recognitions for the mom with the most children or the longest-term mother or whatever. Thank God they seem to have done away with those awful traditions. The mom who has 11 kids should get the potted flowers? Why??? 

Dh said his mom (6 kids) or one other family who had, I think 7, would win year after year. Small rural church; same families for forty years. I guess at some point they realized, at least, the foolishness of always giving plants to the same two ladies. 

 

A relative with a dozen children once implied that she was "more of a mother" than those in the family with 1 to 4 children. The rest of us put a prompt end to that philosophy. Think it all day long, dearie, but don't speak it aloud in front of others.

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I'm iffy on the day.

On the one hand, i think my mum enjoys us doing something nice for her, on the other hand, it's close to my b'day and so my own kids don't mark it because they just did stuff for me. 

I definitely hate it less than V day.

Hugs to all those who'll not be finding it enjoyable, this year, or any other, and have to be aware of all the marketing etc anyway.

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I dislike the forced appreciation. It makes me think of all my faults and why I don't deserve to be celebrated. I never mention to any of my kids that the day is coming up. But DH always makes sure I don't cook on MD, so that's nice. We usually have to do something for MIL, which used to annoy me, but we just found out that she has a lot of cancer, so we will probably put more effort in for her this year. I agree that most holidays suck, if not for me, then surely for a lot of other people.

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I don’t celebrate it.  So personally it is no issue to me. It does annoy me though as do all these holidays that have such artificial force to them.  And I hate it for all of you that feel pain because of it.  

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1 hour ago, Quill said:

When dh and I were kids, the churches we attended always did those special recognitions for the mom with the most children or the longest-term mother or whatever. Thank God they seem to have done away with those awful traditions. The mom who has 11 kids should get the potted flowers? Why??? 

Dh said his mom (6 kids) or one other family who had, I think 7, would win year after year. Small rural church; same families for forty years. I guess at some point they realized, at least, the foolishness of always giving plants to the same two ladies. 

Growing up we went to a mother daughter dinner at my Nana’s church every year.  They gave out a gift for the most generations present.  My Nana won every year, that I remember.  It was 4, then 5 generations.  She finally said enough! Give it to someone else.  But how would you feel if you only won by default?

I don’t celebrate Mother’s Day.  I think I might have called my mom last year?  I probably just texted 😂

My son says he loves me all the time.  Good enough for me.

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13 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

And I hate it for all of you that feel pain because of it.  

This.

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Valentines Day is the worst to me,  I mean ugh.  And how did it go from lovers to mother and children,  so weird,  it has a dark history too.  Why does anyone want a gift that is dictated by commerce and peer pressure.  

Similar with Mother’s Day,

now my  wedding anniversary? Personal. Special. Between Dh and me.  It really means something to us.   

 

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 It seems like every year, I’m one of very few people here who loves Mother’s Day, so I figured I might as well post again this year. 🙂

I’m very sorry to hear about all of you who have bad experiences and emotions surrounding Mother’s Day. I remember how hard it was for me the first year after my mom died, but even then, I still wanted other moms to enjoy the day because it is a very special day for a lot of women, so even though I do sympathize with the people who don’t like it, I wouldn’t want to take the joy out of it for those who do.

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4 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

 

now my  wedding anniversary? Personal. Special. Between Dh and me.  It really means something to us.   

 

 

6 hours ago, teachermom2834 said:

 

Didn’t this used to be a day for honoring your own mom and grandma and special older women in your life?  When did it become every person has to honor all mother’s??  I’m going to have to do the Happy Mother’s Day exchanges with everyone at church, all the neighbors and I’ll probably get random texts and calls from people not descended from me wishing me Happy Mother’s Day. I’m not your mother!!!! 

Hugs to everyone.

 

These!  

I don’t like it that people I don’t even know wish me a Happy Mother’s Day.  I’m not your mother and it’s just weird that you’re wishing me a happy MD.  It makes me feel so awkward whenever it happens.  I only want my own kids to say Happy Mother’s Day and maybe my DH.

I was surprised when I got married that my MIL sent me a Happy Anniversary card on my wedding anniversary.  I find that soooo strange that someone else is “celebrating” MY wedding anniversary.  I thought it was the oddest thing. And then when I didn’t send them an anniversary card, I found out from my FIL that they were a little upset that they didn’t get a card.  I’m sorry, but that’s just strange to me.  Maybe everyone else celebrates other people’s anniversaries, but to me it’s such an intimate thing that I feel deeply uncomfortable “celebrating” it with someone else.  

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16 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Valentines Day is the worst to me,  I mean ugh.  And how did it go from lovers to mother and children,  so weird,  it has a dark history too.  Why does anyone want a gift that is dictated by commerce and peer pressure.  

Similar with Mother’s Day,

now my  wedding anniversary? Personal. Special. Between Dh and me.  It really means something to us.   

 

 

At my house, we look for pretty much any excuse to give gifts to each other, so we don’t mind the commercial aspects surrounding some holidays.  For us, it’s not about peer pressure or anything like that. We just like doing the gift thing. And candy. Candy is good, too! 😃

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I’m ok with Mother’s Day now, but only once my kids got older.

Before I had kids and back when I vehemently didn’t want kids, I thought Mother’s Day was just stupid. 

Then, my mother moved away and MD became sad because I couldn’t even see her on this stupid holiday and was stuck with my MIL.  My MIL and I had nothing in common and I didn’t really like spending time with her.

And then I had kids and suddenly I understood just how HARD it is to be a mother and I actually liked it that mothers could be honored.  But...then it turned out that we still had to do things that my MIL wanted.  And she didn’t want to cook on MD, so we all had to go out to eat. But I was the mother in the trenches with the colicky baby who work up at least 4 times every night and who wanted to nurse every hour.  Going to a restaurant with a baby who wants to nurse all the time, who is likely to start screaming, and on only tiny bits of sleep was awful.  And it kept being like that for the next decade.  We had to go out to eat every Mother’s Day, even though my kids tended to fall apart at restaurants and so the day just meant more work for me trying to keep them from falling apart in the restaurant.  And I deeply resented that I was the one doing all the work of mothering at that stage, but we still had to do things that my MIL wanted...while she had been relaxing all morning and then could relax all evening, while I had worked all morning, worked all during the meal, and would be working with the kids all evening.  

And now...the kids are older and we keep it low key and we still go out to eat with MIL, but since the kids don’t fall apart in the restaurant I *finally* can enjoy MD because I don’t have to cook and I do get to go home and relax.  Teenagers don’t need to be bathed and fed and entertained and told “no! Don’t pull the cat’s tail!” all evening long.  

The past 3 Mother’s Days have been nice.  Just took 43 years to get to that point.

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I hear you.   My mother didn't win any awards (and grandmother..smh.) - and the saccharine sweet "mothers are so wonderful" talks at church make me want to gag myself with a spork.

we've never really done much for mother's day because my birthday is within a week, and my eldest son's bd is just after - it goes back and forth between us.

 

my father died on father's day when I was 12 - so I've struggled with making dh the focus.

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14 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

 It seems like every year, I’m one of very few people here who loves Mother’s Day, so I figured I might as well post again this year. 🙂

I’m very sorry to hear about all of you who have bad experiences and emotions surrounding Mother’s Day. I remember how hard it was for me the first year after my mom died, but even then, I still wanted other moms to enjoy the day because it is a very special day for a lot of women, so even though I do sympathize with the people who don’t like it, I wouldn’t want to take the joy out of it for those who do.

mostly this, as I don't go around at church saying how much I don't like it.  I know there are women who have a good relationship with their mothers. so, I just stay silent.  at least I have a good relationship with my own children.  but those years they passed out little booklets about "how wonderful and important motherhood is".... if you have to TELL them how important you think they are, you're doing it wrong. I would throw them in the trash.  I finally just didn't take it.   at least they eventually went back to the dead flowers and/or chocolate.

I barely remember the years when they had the "oldest mother, most children, etc." stand up - but they still gave a flower to all the moms.  then they gave a flower to all the women because some women were single (not by choice), and some women couldn't have children, etc.   sometimes they'd give chocolate instead of a flower... chocolate is good.

my favorite mother's day talk was by a teenage girl whose mother was out of town, and it was one disaster after another... it was really pretty funny and I really hope that mom heard about it when she got back.

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26 minutes ago, Garga said:

 

 

These!  

I don’t like it that people I don’t even know wish me a Happy Mother’s Day.  I’m not your mother and it’s just weird that you’re wishing me a happy MD.  It makes me feel so awkward whenever it happens.  I only want my own kids to say Happy Mother’s Day and maybe my DH.

I was surprised when I got married that my MIL sent me a Happy Anniversary card on my wedding anniversary.  I find that soooo strange that someone else is “celebrating” MY wedding anniversary.  I thought it was the oddest thing. And then when I didn’t send them an anniversary card, I found out from my FIL that they were a little upset that they didn’t get a card.  I’m sorry, but that’s just strange to me.  Maybe everyone else celebrates other people’s anniversaries, but to me it’s such an intimate thing that I feel deeply uncomfortable “celebrating” it with someone else.  

Interesting!. My entire world celebrates wedding anniversaries. I get cards and gifts even now at my age.  

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34 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

 It seems like every year, I’m one of very few people here who loves Mother’s Day, so I figured I might as well post again this year. 🙂

I’m very sorry to hear about all of you who have bad experiences and emotions surrounding Mother’s Day. I remember how hard it was for me the first year after my mom died, but even then, I still wanted other moms to enjoy the day because it is a very special day for a lot of women, so even though I do sympathize with the people who don’t like it, I wouldn’t want to take the joy out of it for those who do.

I’m glad you can enjoy it. 

Honestly, for me it’s the pile on. I have so few good memories associated with the holiday. I’m glad you have good ones.

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1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

Interesting!. My entire world celebrates wedding anniversaries. I get cards and gifts even now at my age.  

 

That is so sweet that people do that! I always gave my mom and dad a card and gifts on their anniversary. It would have felt weird not to acknowledge it. 

I would have done the same for my in-laws, but my FIL passed away years before dh and I met, and MIL never remarried. 

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1 minute ago, fairfarmhand said:

I’m glad you can enjoy it. 

Honestly, for me it’s the pile on. I have so few good memories associated with the holiday. I’m glad you have good ones.

 

I'm really sorry it's a rough day for you. 😞

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I always feel bad for women at church.   My past church cracked me up.  The pastor first asked all moms to stand.  Then all aunts to stand.  Then all sisters.  Then any woman who works with kids to stand.  Any women who has ever given advice to a kid to stand.  By the time he was finished, it was basically, ‘if you’ve ever held back from smacking an obnoxious kid in Walmart, stand up’.   He just kept going until every female stood up and then they each got a flower.    

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I'm sorry. That makes Mother's Day so hard.

 

I'm religious so celebrating holidays that aren't Holy Days is strange. I'm not a fan of  them. Wish there was no such thing as birthdays or mother's day etc. I did grow up with them but never pushed them. Some years my kids did stuff but last year they didn't bother nor did I expect it. I do call or send cards to step-mom, MIL, and my own mom just cause they celebrated with their mom. Maybe it will die with my generation (in my family) but I suppose the boys will marry and so it will carry on. 

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Every year I join the lament. I have loved mothering my children, but MD is a royal mess. Our current culture makes it a ridiculous spectacle. Like several of you, pregnancy loss just before that holiday and a challenging relationship with my own mom make it sad. MIL in the mix made it a tug-of-war til I finally said no more. 

Our “celebration” now consists of the agreement that on that day I don’t have to cook or clean up and no one gets to give me grief if I want to sit and read a novel all afternoon. I have asked my kids to not let the marketers guilt them into buying me gifts. I’m happy to let the day pass unobserved. I am lucky in that extended family likes to make a big hoopla about it and those who want to celebrate can go do that and we are off the hook for having to drum up a fete. 

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I always liked Mother’s Day, but I really started to enjoy Mother’s Day when I took control of the day away from the person in my life (narcissist) who always managed to make it into an over-the-top fake and awkward celebration. It’s now a very sweet and simple day, and I feel honored and extra-loved by dear sons. 

Now, Valentine’s Day is the one I dislike and wish would go away. 

 

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I love celebrating things.  I come up with all kinds of things to celebrate.  Like my husband is turning 50 this year, so we are doing bday countdown for him and "celebrate" it every month on the right date.  I celebrate "first swim lessons of the semester" and "last swim lessons of the semester" and "hey, you tried new food, let's celebrate" and "we had a crappy week, let's celebrate that it's over", but I HATE HATE HATE mother's day. 

And I feel selfish saying that bc there were no tragedies or anything, but I feel guilty saying "can I just spend a day reading and not talking to anyone" and I don't need cupcakes and cookies and flowers.  And I feel guilty of squashing my kids' desire to " do something" for me. But  I don't want MD!  I don't need MD!  And I don't know how to convey that without hurting my little ones' feelings.

For all of you who are hurting, I am so very sorry!   May this year's MD be good to you, in whichever way you want it

 

 

 

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I work almost every Mother’s Day.  My kids are little and my husband doesn’t care, so it’s not really celebrated.

I don’t mind celebrations; but this day is so filled with difficult situations that I wish we would just let it go.

My SIL has tried for two years to have a baby. The last IVF cycle produced only one embryo and they’ve told her this was her last chance before donor eggs or adoption.  She wants to skip church on Mother’s Day and I told her I fully support that. Stay home and watch movies and eat chocolate.

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9 minutes ago, SereneHome said:

I love celebrating things.  I come up with all kinds of things to celebrate.  Like my husband is turning 50 this year, so we are doing bday countdown for him and "celebrate" it every month on the right date.  I celebrate "first swim lessons of the semester" and "last swim lessons of the semester" and "hey, you tried new food, let's celebrate" and "we had a crappy week, let's celebrate that it's over", but I HATE HATE HATE mother's day. 

And I feel selfish saying that bc there were no tragedies or anything, but I feel guilty saying "can I just spend a day reading and not talking to anyone" and I don't need cupcakes and cookies and flowers.  And I feel guilty of squashing my kids' desire to " do something" for me. But  I don't want MD!  I don't need MD!  And I don't know how to convey that without hurting my little ones' feelings.

For all of you who are hurting, I am so very sorry!   May this year's MD be good to you, in whichever way you want it

 

 

 

This is pretty much me.....I am completely willing to celebrate a whole lot of things.   First day of Spring, Groudhog day......... If cupcakes are required it’s an even better better celebration.  I hang bunting at times.   But Mother’s Day is not my day to go all out......lots of conflicting feelings probably because of years of infertility.  I know exactly how badly some women are feeling and just can’t find the joy.  I appreciate a card and maybe a meal out.

My daughter (the oldest) was born four days before Mother’s Day and that was a wonderful gift.  That mother’s day I partied....as much as a person who finds it painful to sit down and has body parts leaking is able! 🤣. Yeah, I found a dress that fit sort of and sat in the backseat of the car with my baby  while Dh picked up carry out from my favorite restaurant! I had waited years for a child.......now I just really enjoy her birthday.

Hugs to everyone who finds it painful........

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I don’t remember if it was this way in the past, but the area in our Walmart where the Easter, Christmas, back to school is is filled with Mother’s Day gift stuff.  

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10 hours ago, school17777 said:

I don’t remember if it was this way in the past, but the area in our Walmart where the Easter, Christmas, back to school is is filled with Mother’s Day gift stuff.  

I went to find a graduation card today and there was only a tiny little section, where as MD was the entire rest of the isle.  Ridiculous.  

Edited by Scarlett

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On 5/3/2019 at 6:29 AM, fairfarmhand said:

My mom was diagnosed with cancer when I was 19. For 12 years after that mother day was awful, as her health deteriorated to the point that she was no longer th woman i remembered from childhood. 8 years ago she passed.

so it’s hard. There is that. 

Also, I have many memories of mothers days when it was just a crappy day. My dh was crabby, made plans without ever talking to me with his family, etc...(In fairness, he’s not typically like that but for some reason things like holidays and family plans short circuit his brain) 

this year, my oldest dd is barely speaking to us. (Long story and very complicated. No it can’t be fixed by a hug),

Can we just call off mother day. I’m tired of this holiday. 

 

I'm sorry FFH.  Lots of whammies on your heart.  

On 5/3/2019 at 7:14 AM, fairfarmhand said:

Yeah, it’s really not socially acceptable to say “well, I’ll probably cry, be touchy with my family, and be glad when the day is over. But thanks for asking anyway.” 

We attend church and there’s always a recognition of motherhood, which I don’t like. Because some family relationships are complicated and bringing that pain up in a place of worship doesn’t seem right. And there are many wonderful women who have never had children and they are also worthy of recognition and appreciation. 

That is what goes through my head as well.  For me, every week at church is a minefield of arrows straight to my heart.  Lots of pain and guilt and, well, self-pity.

On 5/3/2019 at 4:41 PM, Quill said:

I’m sorry. That is so lousy. Mother’s Day was ruined for me in 2003, when my baby girl died in labor on May 6th. Mother’s Day followed, of course, and it just forever changed the way I approach that day. I’m always thinking about my little girl as her birthday comes up and Mother’s Day is intertwined with that sorrow. 

😢  I'm so sorry.  

When I was little, I don't remember Mother's Day as a huge thing.  Looking back, I'm pretty sure that was one of the rare times we went out for dinner ... and it was always to the same restaurant that had a "bar area" that was really pretty family friendly ... they had a juke box and space to run around.  Which was good because it was usually an hour wait.  Once I had kids of my own, it became this heavy responsibility ... lots of people to please ... we still had to go out for a meal together, but there were so many more of us ... finding a place that can accommodate 25 people was always difficult and it always fell on me to plan it.  I really just wanted a day at home ... plant a few flowers in the garden, go for a walk, read the paper.  But it was busy, busy, busy.  And I always felt bad because, every year, I forgot to include time for dh to visit his mother's grave ... something important to him.  Once my mom passed away, things felt very empty because much of the family close by had moved away.  The pressure was gone, but it was just us. By then, dd got really good at climbing and her regional competition was always on Mother's Day weekend and was usually in a town a half-day's drive.  (And Divisonals was always on Father's Day weekend.)  

This year will be especially rough.  We don't know where K is and I am positive I won't hear from her.  Her last words to me 2 months ago were about how I "made her suffer" and that I "deserved to suffer." (Boy howdy, am I!)    None of the kids will be here.  Ds25 is over 1000 miles away and DD will be at school studying for finals.  I doubt there will be cards, but I'm sure they will call.  I really don't want to go near church nor any store or anything.  I will be studying for my finals.  

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@dirty ethel rackham, that breaks my mama heart for you. I hope so hard that K is safe and can come to peace at some point soon. 

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