Preparing for your elder years

[fairfarmhand]

The post by another boardie about going through her dad's things and selling his house and all got me thinking. Of course, nobody knows the future. None of us know when we'll deal with a death, illness, or some sort of impairment. But, if you could plan a little for your senior years, what would you do to make things easier on your kids? 

Me, I love our home and our huge chunk of land. But mentally, I'm telling myself that one day, I will probably have to give it up and move to a place that's more manageable for an aging person. I already don't love the amount of yard work and maintenance that must be done. So I'm nurturing a mentality of "I can be happy anywhere. This is nice. There are other equally nice places." 

Second, I'm mentally taking notes about what is hard from this end of life. Like what makes it easy for kids to take care of parents and what makes it hard for the kids to do so. Personally, I'm hoping to nurture kind, cheerful, and positive relationships with my adult kids so that they WANT to spend time with me and will want to take care of me.

Third, I plan on, when the kids move out, to empty closets and have just blank spaces in some parts of the house. Just because I have a closet of a particular size, doesn't mean that I need to have it packed with stuff. I hope to be able to slowly clear out unneeded items so that when it is time to downsize, cleaning the house out won't be so onerous and overwhelming. I don't want to wait till I'm in poor health, because then it will feel even more impossible to do on my own terms.

Fourth, we have money set aside in savings and a pension that should be enough to take care of us. I'm also nurturing the mindset that I am not owed services from my adult kids, especially if some of those helps are needed because of my choices (for example: If I won't move to a house with a smaller yard, I am not owed help with lawn maintenance or other helps from my kids) We should be willing to pay for helps if needed and if possible. 

Fifth, I am passing on stories about family items to my kids. Not so that they will necessarily value them the way I do, but so that if they are interested, they will know the history behind the object. And I should also be able to let stuff go if my family members don't want it. Nurturing a mindset of "it's just stuff."

 

What else am I not thinking about? 

 

[Laura Corin]

Keeping as healthy as possible. Losing muscle mass is a big danger, leading to falls and dependency.

[May]

24 minutes ago, Laura Corin said:

Keeping as healthy as possible. Losing muscle mass is a big danger, leading to falls and dependency.

What she said😊 We belong to a gym and do strength training 3 days a week. We both do cardiovascular training 5 days a week. DH also does yoga 2 days a week with our daughter. 

[Arcadia]

My husband’s grandma has dementia for more than a decade and is wheelchair bound for years. What helped was she lives very minimalistic all along with her elderly single daughter at an elderly friendly two bedroom apartment (elevators and her house doors are already wheelchair friendly). The live in help sleeps in the master bedroom with the grandma. Also the house is a very short drive (about two blocks) to the hospital and specialist clinics so medical services are a short drive away. My husband’s aunts that are not babysitting grandkids and not working help whenever they can. His younger aunts are working until at least 65 years old as they don’t have pension. 

My in-laws are hoarders and they would likely have to move if they need a lot of help as their daughter and son are both living far from them and nearer to their in-laws (who were babysitting for them). We are in a different country so can only help financially. 

My kids are teens and while employment in my area is generally decent for tech, my husband and I are mentally prepared that our kids might have to relocate like we did to find employment. So we are looking for a home that is near medical facilities for our next home. I am currently 15 miles from my chemotherapy treatment center and travel time is already taking a physical toll even though my husband and Uber have been doing the driving. My husband takes family leave for every chemo session while I take Uber for the three consecutive days of booster shots after each chemo session. There were a few locations that we liked for new homes but jobs and healthcare facilities are few so those places are out. My husband wants to work as long as he can for employee healthcare benefits so a location with jobs for seniors (even minimum wage) would be attractive as long as it comes with health benefits.

[Arcadia]

4 minutes ago, HeighHo said:

Your insurance may let you do the injections, mine just require the doctor to sign off that I have been trained.

 

My insurance won’t cover for the self injections unless I react very badly to granix (tbo-filgrastim).

[mlktwins]

It was probably my post from Sunday that prompted this one :-) !!!  My DH is still over at the house replacing the garbage disposal that started leaking last night 😞 !!!  Almost there though!!!

I will be back in a day or 2 to really respond to this.  I have had a lot of time to think about all of this while driving, waiting in doctor's waiting rooms, while not sleeping at night over the last 8 months.  For me, medical is a big part of it, but another big part deal with the things you were listing in your original post - moving, going through stuff, responsibility of our children for us, making decisions and changes while it is still our choice and not forced on us.  This experience has been life changing for me and my DH.  We are different people now.  I am almost 52 and he is 57 (with almost 14 year old twins) so this has been an important lesson for both of us.

More later :-) ...

[Bambam]

One thing I see with older people is when they get to where they need more help/possibly a nursing home, the children want the parents to move closer to them so they can help more. Whereas that sounds great, the old person is leaving their community of friends, their established doctors, their regular stores/restaurants/bookstores/hanging out places/volunteer activities/whatever. And if the older person is not in condition to go out and about and make new friends, familiarize themselves with the new area/stores/restaurants/doctors/etc - it makes it really hard on them.  If they relocate, they don't have the visitors and support system they used to - they only have their kids - which, in turn, I think, puts more of a burden on the kids to help their elderly parents - and often when the kids already have a full and busy life. 

So, if you think this may be a possibility in your life, and your child is in a place where they probably will stay, move closer earlier - when you are still fully functional so you can get out and make friends, establish your support system, establish your doctors/dentists/eye doctors. 

Edited April 30, 2019 by Bambam

[fairfarmhand]

5 minutes ago, Bambam said:

One thing is see with older people is when they get to where they need more help/possibly a nursing home, the children want the parents to move closer to them so they can help more. Whereas that sounds great, the old person is leaving their community of friends, their established doctors, their regular stores/restaurants/bookstores/hanging out places/volunteer activities/whatever. And if the older person is not in condition to go out and about and make new friends, familiarize themselves with the new area/stores/restaurants/doctors/etc - it makes it really hard on them.  If they relocate, they don't have the visitors and support system they used to - they only have their kids - which, in turn, I think, puts more of a burden on the kids to help their elderly parents - and often when the kids already have a full and busy life. 

So, if you think this may be a possibility in your life, and your child is in a place where they probably will stay, move closer earlier - when you are still fully functional so you can get out and make friends, establish your support system, establish your doctors/dentists/eye doctors. 

That really is brilliant!

 

maybe I should add to my original list to be adventurous as an older person. Always be willing to try things and meet people!

 

[bethben]

If you are more than a little overweight, you should start losing weight and as the above pp mentioned, try not to lose muscle mass.  When I worked in a nursing home briefly, the people who were in the most need of care at a younger elderly age were usually obese.  They tended to have more trouble moving putting them at risk for pressure sores and needing specialized equipment to get them up out of bed or to the toilet.  It’s not a popular opinion, but when I saw how much trouble the larger weight elderly population had, I determined at that point to continue to watch my weight as I got older. It’s not a guarantee that you won’t wind up with other reasons you’ll need full time care, but it will be easier to care for you if you’re a healthy weight.

[iamonlyone]

One thing my mom did (that we plan to but have not yet!) is to put my brothers' and my names on everything, POD (payable upon death). State laws vary on this but, in my mom's state, it worked out so that we (and grandkids) became account or property owners when she passed away. This made everything very easy as far as estate distribution, and we didn't have to work through probate. It also helped so much to be able to write checks from her account (that my brother and I then owned jointly) instead of paying from our individual accounts and then reimbursing later from inherited money.

[Ottakee]

My situation is a bit unique in that all 3 of my kids have special needs and will need life long help themselves.

What I am doing now though is:

Saving for retirement, as much as I can on my limited income

Making this the year of taking care of myself.....cardiology, etc.  I need to be as healthy as I can be

I bought a house that is a simple ranch with main floor laundry, and 3 bedrooms and 1 1/2 baths on the main floor.  The yard is simple upkeep.

I am putting in an "in law" suite in the basement that for now my kids can use as an "apartment" --2 bedrooms with egress windows, bath, family room and wet bar.  In the future this could be for them to live downstairs while a caregiver lived upstairs or flip flop and there would be an "apartment" in the basement for a caregiver.

I have done financial planning, guardianship, trusts, etc. so that my kids will be taken care of.

My new house is in an area with door to door bus service that is wheelchair friendly if it ever came to that.

 

[bethben]

30 minutes ago, Bambam said:

One thing I see with older people is when they get to where they need more help/possibly a nursing home, the children want the parents to move closer to them so they can help more. Whereas that sounds great, the old person is leaving their community of friends, their established doctors, their regular stores/restaurants/bookstores/hanging out places/volunteer activities/whatever. And if the older person is not in condition to go out and about and make new friends, familiarize themselves with the new area/stores/restaurants/doctors/etc - it makes it really hard on them.  If they relocate, they don't have the visitors and support system they used to - they only have their kids - which, in turn, I think, puts more of a burden on the kids to help their elderly parents - and often when the kids already have a full and busy life. 

So, if you think this may be a possibility in your life, and your child is in a place where they probably will stay, move closer earlier - when you are still fully functional so you can get out and make friends, establish your support system, establish your doctors/dentists/eye doctors. 

We are in a situation with my in-laws where they are starting to be in positions where they really could use a different living situation.  We are starting to get a little concerned about some things we’re starting to see (mostly forgetful type things and some issues with driving).  Three years ago, my fil, had replacement knee surgery and they had to pay someone just to get him into the house because it’s a multilevel house. LOTS of stairs.  They had no help other than the initial get fil into the house.  Dh couldn’t drop everything and fly out there and neither could bil.  They needed help and soldiered on somehow.  They live 1000 miles away from us and 90-100 miles away from my brother in law.  They want to move to a different state where they have more friends their age  but then they are no where close to either of their children.  Neither of their sons has a lot of flexibility in their jobs.  I get their desire.  But how are we supposed to help take care of their needs when they live a plane trip away?  We keep asking them to get a longer range plan in place.  They just want to live where they want.  I get it.  I would too.  But, it puts their sons in a really awkward position.

[fairfarmhand]

Here’s a question—what if you’re married to someone who believes he’ll be immortal? I really think my dh believes he’ll never get old and will always be able to care for everything on his own. 

[Storygirl]

Alzheimer's runs rampant in my family, so we've given this a lot of thought. I've seen first hand what has worked and not worked for my parents and my grandparents -- Mom has Alzheimer's and is in a nursing home now, but lived with me for awhile before that. My grandmother had Alzheimer's and was cared for in our home, by Mom and my sister and me (as teens).

1) We are willing to move to be near our children, if they settle elsewhere as adults. This is a big deal, because, as already mentioned, so many elders are not willing. We hope that our children will stay in our greater urban area, which is the state capital and has a wide variety of job opportunities, but we know it may not happen. DH will likely need to work as long as possible (see point 3), so while I understand the benefits of moving while we are still relatively young, we are likely to be older when he retires and will need to stay near his work place for a long time into the future. That's why we hope our children remain in the area. We are already 50, and our kids have a decade or more before they are launched, so early retirement and moving while we are young are not likely to be options.

2) We will downsize, almost assuredly, once our children are grown, because this home does not have a first floor master. When we do so, we will choose very carefully, so that we have the possibility of aging in place. I've sorted through my parents' things and don't want my children to have to do much of that for me, so we will try to keep culling our possessions.

3) We are going to have to carefully consider DH's retirement age. On the one hand, due to the possibility of Alzheimer's, we'd like to be able to spend a lot of time together, to enjoy each other before things are stolen away. But there will be a great financial benefit for him continuing to work, and memory care is very expensive. He will likely keep working as long as possible, and after we pay off the house and pay for college, etc., sock a large amount of his salary away in savings (we save now but will do even more later, when our family expenses are less). But we will try to balance the work with opportunities to enjoy life and be together while we can.

4) Our Plan A is to have a home in retirement that has an in-law suite, so that we can live together but still separately if Alzheimer's comes into play. It is exceedingly difficult to live with someone with dementia 24/7, and I want DH to be able to both share living space with me and also be able to retreat to another part of the house, while hired aides stay with me. Another option is for us to buy two townhouse style condos side by side, so that DH has space away from me. This may seem odd to many of you, but those who have lived with dementia will understand the need for separate living quarters, in order to preserve the health of the caretaker. The current goal is to not use nursing home care but to use in-home hired help; hence the need for us to up our savings as the years progress. If a nursing home becomes inevitable for one or the other of us, we want to be prepared financially. I've seen what paying for a nursing home has done to my dad's finances.

If DH becomes ill before me, I would not be able to care for him physically (he is a foot taller and a hundred pounds heavier than I am), so the same measures that we are considering to plan for possible dementia for me also apply to caring for him, in case of illness or disability. Since he is the breadwinner, we optimize the disability insurance on him whenever we review his benefits annually.

5) We have work to do on financial management, estate planning, and improving our weight and overall health during these middle aged years.

[SKL]

Yes, we've had many discussions around this recently at my house.

Not really sure how to rank them, but some thoughts:

• I must keep in good health and not die (per Jane Eyre) - no guarantees obviously, but trying to be better about exercise, eating, sleeping, and stress management.
• Prepare my kids to live without me if and when that happens.  Not exactly sure what that means, but I hope that they have good self-esteem, horse sense, friends, and whatever else it takes.  I hope they know they were always loved and worth loving.
• Just this month I finalized my "estate planning documents."
• Simplify.  Before I die, I want things to be as easy as possible.  After I die, I want people to come into my room and say "wow, she was organized" and not be burdened by the mess I left behind.
• More minor details, but I want to fix the little things that interfere with my ease and comfort.  Like my crooked teeth and my tailbone issues.  As I get older, it will get harder to deal with these.

[kbutton]

3 hours ago, HeighHo said:

My parents died at fifty, so I"m following their example being financially responsible, eating well,  and sharing the genetic health info.  Having good record keeping, a will,  and knowing the wishes for the remains was very helpful to the dc in closing the estate quickly.    

What you need to watch for is the NIMBYism.  ...  If they would move 2 hours the other way, or follow the families to NC/FL/upstate NY/PA, there is plenty of mixed zoning where they can age in place with affordable pricing where they could keep up a home and have transportation.  Here, the doctors are now paying for taxis to get elders in to appointments so they won't end up showing up at the ER.

Yes, assessing access is a big thing with a lot of dimensions.

Taming paperwork on top of having the right stuff done--it doesn't have to be a perfect system or perfectly documented, but some rhyme or reason to what you keep and toss is helpful. If something is of more historic or sentimental use, be sure to label it and state why. My husband's family has a lot of old deeds that are not valid anymore. They are cool just to see who owned what, cost, etc., but trying to find those documents via records searches would be harder than just keeping a small file of really neat stuff. 

Fairfarmhand, I think you have great ideas. I would encourage you when you downsize, that you also don't have to get rid of everything. Sometimes just being organized is enough, but it depends on what your kids are like and how much stuff you have. Or if your kids are packrats, and you'd like to save them from themselves. 🙂 

Sentimental furniture or antiques might be something you want to record in a book--pictures of the item and a note with what you know about it. If the kids want to keep it, they know what it is. If they don't want it, but want to remember it, it's there. If they don't know what it is, it helps them decide. In our family, we have a lot of people to spread out the sentimental stuff. If I can't keep some of my parents' heirlooms, there are other people that might want them in the extended family. If your family is like this, you might want to suggest possible contingent recipients. My parents have stuff from some of the first people in my family to live in the US. Well, they had a ton of kids--the fact that so much of it ended up in our direct line is unusual. If no one close to us wants this stuff someday, I would ask farther afield rather than have something with a 5 or 6 generation history just disappear. It's not overly valuable outside our family (but is practical--furniture). Other stuff spread around in the family is of pretty interesting historical significance locally--stuff that the local historical society would potentially be really excited about.

Anything you know about names, dates, places, records is a gift. My great-aunt wrote down a lot of family history, and often she put in clues of things that don't seem significant health-wise, but turn out to be a puzzle piece for the big picture. It's been astounding what that's added to our knowledge of family health history, and it's not like she wrote down a ton of health-related data. Some of what she mentioned hints at health issues that were not understood at the time but are becoming clearer now. Just having names and dates has helped with searching Find a Grave--there are several death certificates attached to those records that were eye-opening! 

[Laura Corin]

3 hours ago, May said:

What she said😊 We belong to a gym and do strength training 3 days a week. We both do cardiovascular training 5 days a week. DH also does yoga 2 days a week with our daughter. 

Husband swims three days a week. I Nordic Walk two to three days a week and attend two or three serious yoga classes. I normally walk briskly for half an hour during my lunch break from work. We have a dog who gets walked too.  We often hike at weekends or work in the garden.  I'm 56, and this is the strongest and lightest I've ever been.

My mother never took deliberate exercise but she ran errands on foot, gardened, and rode a motorbike until she was 85. Once she stopped doing those things and spent some time in hospital, she immediately lost muscle and started to fall. It now tires her to hold a knife and fork.

 

[lmrich]

get hearing aids if needed. My mom and dad are always shouting and I have to shout or repeat myself often. Sometimes it is just exhausting having a conversation. 

 

[fairfarmhand]

I found this and I just have to share it.

 

[Shoeless]

7 hours ago, Patty Joanna said:

 

I need to get after this.  Thank you for the reminder.

 

I am glad for the reminder, too.  I didn't realize that losing muscle mass contributed to falls.  Definitely going to look into gym options this week!  

[Shoeless]

The thing that stresses me out the most regarding my dad is how far away I am from him and how little advanced prepwork he's done.  He says he wants to stay in his current home until it's "time for the nursing home", but I don't think he totally grasps that you don't just move into a nursing home on a whim. Things have to get to a bad point before you go to the nursing home.  I look at the flight of stairs and the long, icy sidewalks to the car and mailbox and wince.  It's a matter of time before he falls and then we'll be in Crisis Mode.  We could avoid or postpone Crisis Mode if he'd be willing to make some changes now, but he won't. 

So, my plan is to downsize to a smaller property *before* it's a need.  This house is all one level, which is great, but I can see a day when the maintenance and cleaning of it will become too much because of it's size.  I do want to be close to where my son lives when he's an adult, so he doesn't have to run himself ragged to check on me and DH.  Close enough where's it's convenient for my son to check in, but not so close that my future DIL wants to strangle me, lol!  I'd be happy to go to an apartment or even have a tiny house.  Something one level and small, where I can have a cat and not worry about major repairs or mowing the lawn.  Grab bars in the bathroom(s) and a walk-in shower are a must. 

[Anne]

10 hours ago, Patty Joanna said:

 

This isn't directed at your specific comment but it triggered an idea for me.  Dh is on Medicare now.  He has a debilitating condition (please God let it be lonnnnng-term and sloooooow-moving) and it looks like he needs to step up to a designer drug.  It can be administered IV in a hospital, infusion (or something) in a clinic or shots at home.  

The amount of coverage he gets for the drug depends on which medicare plan he chooses AND on which method of drug administration he chooses.  So if he got Plan Q (making this up), he gets 80% coverage if he administers at home, but 20% if it is hospital.  If he got Plan P, he gets NO coverage unless he goes to the hospital and then it is 100%.  Stuff like that.  You need a DATABASE to figure out your options

How the heck are you supposed to know what dreadful condition is going to attack you after you have chosen plan P or Q?  Even sitting with his specialist, they can barely figure out what the Sam Hill is a workable option?  

And sorry, but we didn't plan for $100,000 a year for one med.  Like, I never got that much salary in a year EVER.  And this isn't anything he could have done anything to prevent, either...so I guess what I am saying besides the big whine is plan to be surprised.  Whatever that means.

 

In my state, I can call the State Medicare office and they will help me sort through my options for supplemental plans.  I've helped several people wade through the medicare mess, and our state office has been invaluable.  I don't often say that about governmental offices!!!  :-)

 

[BlsdMama]

The sardonic side of me smirked at this post. 

 

Best set advice from me?

Nurture this mindset:

“The great thing, if one can, is to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions of one’s ‘own’, or ‘real’ life. The truth is of course that what one calls the interruptions are precisely one’s real life – the life God is sending one day by day: what one calls one’s ‘real life’ is a phantom of one’s own imagination.”

 

And, in retrospect, I wish I’d bought nursing home insurance at 37. 

[J-rap]

One thing I've done is prepare a file (both physical and digital) with every single bit of information I can think of to help my children out if they end up needing to take over everything.  This includes all passwords, credit card info, bank info, insurance info, names of our financial planner and CPA, where to find important documents, etc. etc.  I've told all of my kids about this file, and I update it whenever necessary. 

[Chris in VA]

11 hours ago, Bambam said:

One thing I see with older people is when they get to where they need more help/possibly a nursing home, the children want the parents to move closer to them so they can help more. Whereas that sounds great, the old person is leaving their community of friends, their established doctors, their regular stores/restaurants/bookstores/hanging out places/volunteer activities/whatever. And if the older person is not in condition to go out and about and make new friends, familiarize themselves with the new area/stores/restaurants/doctors/etc - it makes it really hard on them.  If they relocate, they don't have the visitors and support system they used to - they only have their kids - which, in turn, I think, puts more of a burden on the kids to help their elderly parents - and often when the kids already have a full and busy life. 

So, if you think this may be a possibility in your life, and your child is in a place where they probably will stay, move closer earlier - when you are still fully functional so you can get out and make friends, establish your support system, establish your doctors/dentists/eye doctors. 

This is a really good post. 

I am so glad I didn't have my parents move to us in VA, as we have since moved here. They would've been fine, I think, but they are better off staying where they are familiar with their surroundings and have other supports. 

I hope my kids choose a home close to each other, but the likelihood is poor as this is not our family model. I think we will probably be like my parents--choose a place and give our kids freedom to live wherever. but I sure wish they would choose to settle near us. 

[Laura Corin]

5 hours ago, MissLemon said:

I am glad for the reminder, too.  I didn't realize that losing muscle mass contributed to falls.  Definitely going to look into gym options this week!  

Something like yoga (body weight exercises) would work too - it doesn't have to be gym machines or weights.

Part of it is joint instability.  I see this with my mother: she talks about how she's become double-jointed - her joints will go in unusual directions.  There's no longer enough muscle to hold them in place.  She still has more muscle in her legs than a lot of elderly people (she can still stand up from a chair without using her hands) but the effect of wasting is quite marked.  She refuses to join the exercise classes in her care home.

We are walking/running/climbing animals, and even into old age - unless there are specific reasons not to - we need exercise (whether incidental or deliberate) to keep our bodies functional.

Here's the abstract of a scholarly article on the issue (muscle weakness is also called sarcopenia): https://www.nature.com/articles/ncpneuro0886

[Jaybee]

5 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

The sardonic side of me smirked at this post. 

 

Best set advice from me?

Nurture this mindset:

“The great thing, if one can, is to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions of one’s ‘own’, or ‘real’ life. The truth is of course that what one calls the interruptions are precisely one’s real life – the life God is sending one day by day: what one calls one’s ‘real life’ is a phantom of one’s own imagination.”

 

And, in retrospect, I wish I’d bought nursing home insurance at 37. 

That's a great quote. Do you know who said it? Or did you?

[klmama]

 

7 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

And, in retrospect, I wish I’d bought nursing home insurance at 37. 

Dh and I were just talking about this.  We bought long-term care insurance when we were about that age, and the premiums have remained very low.  It won't cover everything, but it will provide a lot of help if/when we need it.  

Edited May 1, 2019 by klmama

[Laura Corin]

6 minutes ago, klmama said:

Dh and I were just talking about this.  We bought long-term care insurance when we were about that age, and the premiums have remained very low.  It won't cover everything, but it will provide a lot of help if/when we need it.  

There are no longer any companies offering this in the UK.  The nearest product is an immediate need annuity, which you can buy when you enter a care home.  On average, it costs the equivalent of four years of care home fees (a bleak calculation, if you think about it) in order to cover costs for the rest of your life.

[MysteryJen]

I have been thinking about this. The past few months have been taken up with dmil moving and selling her home and I have thought about what worked and what could have been made better. She was an excellent role model even though it was hard and stressful for everyone. And I think that there are things to do and ways to be that you can start now. 

• recognize that death, illness, and accident can and will happen to you
• prioritize retirement savings
• build strong bonds with friends and community
• stay as healthy as you can
• recognize that your adult children are separate from you and have worries of their own- do not presume that they will be able or want to take on your problems
• streamline your finances so that it is simple for a surviving spouse or children
• fix up your house or move to an age-in-place one- Think hard before spending thousands- it might be better to downsize before you "need to."
• learn new things- phone, computer, Uber
• travel alone- visit friends and children, get used to it. People are not always going to come to you. Sitting around waiting for people to come over is a dumb way to spend the time you have remaining
• learn the limits of medicine- just because you can have surgery/treatment-doesn't mean it is a good idea

There is a big difference between 75 and 80. Plan for it. My dmil, though in good health, has really slowed down since turning 82.

But I think the biggest thing is to be a grown-up about the future. Your children do not owe you anything. Do not expect that they will up-end their life or not move to keep you company or keep you in your house. You will have to stop driving. You will need to go to rehab. You will need to move and sell the house.

Be an adult about it.

[BlsdMama]

1 hour ago, Seasider too said:

 

That’s CS Lewis. 

Indeed it is! Wise man.

1 hour ago, klmama said:

 

Dh and I were just talking about this.  We bought long-term care insurance when we were about that age, and the premiums have remained very low.  It won't cover everything, but it will provide a lot of help if/when we need it.  

Not just purchase but make sure that it has a clause that it appreciates.  I can't remember the verbiage, but essentially it needs to cover future usage.  Someone in the family had purchased it and it would cover X amount per month.  Well, 20 years later and it's practically useless.  My parents had to pay higher premiums but it essentially appreciates with the rise in costs.  Be careful of it. 

If I'd known what I know now.

The OTHER thing is to get term life insurance YOUNG and for as long as you can and NOT just through a workplace.

I am grateful to have a lot of life insurance.  I'd pay that before I'd pay the mortgage at this point. 😉
DH has a lot of life insurance - however, it's *all* through his work.  He has high blood pressure, a few extra pounds.  When we went to get it outside of his employment, it was pretty spendy and will probably only get moreso. 

[prairiewindmomma]

I don't know. I'm in the middle of caring for elders right now and *banging head on wall*.  I just finished an intense week and wow! As part of this week, ironically, I attended an estate planning conference for adults. Several of the sessions dealt with mental health issues in the beneficiaries of trusts or difficult people who are part of decision making--how to manage that. It's a big issue, and one I don't hear about much (except occasionally hear on the boards).  I think there's a lot of shame wrapped up in that, but elder care can be messy and hard. 

I tried to be really proactive in all of our conversations with the elders in our life and with all of our planning and at some point some mental abilities started to decline but not to the point of incapacity and it kind of all went to h***.  I would go into specifics if we were all dear friends and this wasn't a public board, but let's say that there have been some bad actors in the extended family and it has been surprising.

All of the above advice is really good.  

I've been thinking about writing letters to my children for when the day comes when I become irrational and they have to step in....thanking them for doing so even though it's hard, and reminding them that I wanted to do so when I was of my right mind.  I think part of losing capacity is not realizing that you are losing capacity. You make decisions out of emotional feelings rather than out of rationality. You express your fear and grief as anger. You cling to the circumstances that you had rather than acknowledge that things have changed.

I also think that as part of my estate planning, I'm going to write a letter explaining the circumstances that led me to make the decisions that I did. (Like, why BIL and SIL should never be considered as potential guardians of my children by a judge should my chosen guardians and back-up guardians be unable to serve.)  If there are inequalities in the distribution of my estate (extra set aside in a discretionary trust for a SN child), I also want to explain that.   

I'm going to give more thought to a number of other points, but I'm still mulling through family drama and if any of this could have played out differently.

[HS Mom in NC]

We've been considering this for a while too. When we moved across the country last year (lower cost of living, growing economic opportunity area) we did these things:

1. We offered and them moved our married adult kids out near us (one within an hour of us because this is a good place for them to be employed and the other a couple of states away in a place that makes more economic sense for them.) If we want family to stick together, we need to help in practical ways to make that happen if we're able. We wanted to help with relocating because it's expensive and would've hit them hard, as would staying where they were.

2. We focused on end of life issues with our will and setting up a trust.  We both read Being Mortal and Smoke Gets in Your Eyes before we saw our lawyer. We've tried hard to make decisions that transition things as easily as possible when the kids will have to take over for us. We also have made our wishes known, but included enough flexibility that the kid who will make the final decisions can override them if she decides she needs to.  My husband and I have helped care for elderly relatives and we both understand that you cannot anticipate everything. It's. not. possible.  The person making final decisions needs enough room to handle things that couldn't be precisely anticipated. 

Example: Husband's granny had Alzheimer's.  She was fully functional in typical early Alzheimer's stage except that she had forgotten how to swallow on her own.  She could enjoy time with others, get around, and just needed supervision.  If she had in place a no artificial feeding/hydration directive (or whatever it's called, I don't remember now) it would've been cruel to follow that, because she wasn't in a situation that typically includes that: bedridden, not conscious, etc. 

All of the kids now have legal permission to ask our physicians what's going on if we can't make decisions for ourselves. My experience is that when the siblings who don't have the legal power of attorney are able to talk to the doctor directly, they tend to calm down.  Not that there aren't situations where some will want to tell the power of attorney kid what to do, but I'd rather give them access to information from a medical professional than wonder what's "really" going on.

We've articulated to the kids that we know we may not be in this house until the end of our days.  We've talked about our experiences with elder care and acknowledged that there aren't always good choices, and you have to make the best decision you can with the info and options available to you at the time, and not second guess yourself later. And they hear me say, "Predicting the future is hard.  You can't be upset with yourself or anyone else for failing to accurately predict the future." This is different than preparing for likely scenarios that we all know could come to pass at any time.

3. Flexibility and balance really matter as you age, so something like yoga or Tai Chi can really help. I've got to get this started now that I'm 46.  Low impact things help avoid injuries and slow down wear and tear.  No more walking on pavement/concrete if it can be avoided (back and knee stress.) We're gardening, which is supposed to involved full range of motion, including balance by getting up and down from the ground. It's also productive work with a spiritual component for me.

4.  Managing our weight.  I spent the last 5 years losing the 18 of the extra 20 pounds I gained.  I'm doing intermittent fasting, so my body can go into repair mode more often; cutting back dramatically on refined sugars, flours, and processed foods; and replacing with the highest nutrient foods I can. 

5. Simple Living.  Keeping my life as simple as possible within reason reduces unnecessary stress. It usually makes things easier to deal with when challenges come along.

6. Swedish Death Cleaning.  I now understand through experience that clearing out an elder's house probably won't happen after their death-it's far more likely to happen during a medical crisis for them.  Often, they need that house on the market and sold to provide much needed funds during the last chapter of their life, not after. Knowing how overwhelming it can be to manage the medical crisis itself, there's no no no no no way I would burden my kids with a house full of stuff I haven't used or needed for along time.  It's just not kind or fair to them. If there's a very high likelihood I'll need and use it, I keep it unapologetically.  If it's not a high likelihood, out it goes.

 Example: I think about time time my brother and I cleared out my grandparent's home when they needed to go to my mother's house for the last 6 months of his life and the last 3 years of hers.  He had leukemia and she had dementia.  No way did my mother need to deal with clearing out a house full of useless stuff in the midst of that. Grandmother had a small amount of useless stuff, Grandad wasn't the type to accumulate useless stuff.  It took my mother (an only child,) my step-dad, and all 4 grandkids and their spouses who were all local rotating help caring for them, clearing out a house, and getting it ready for the rental market. My grandmother had to see doctors for dementia, kidney problems, serious blood pressure issues, serious vision problem, arthritis, and knee replacement physical therapy while Grandad had in home hospice care.  It wasn't unusual for there to be 3 doctor's appointment a week out of the house for her while a nurse came daily for him. When on earth would mom have been able to sort through, clear out, and move a house full of useless stuff? Just the necessary stuff was a huge task. After the stuff was dealt with we still needed to:  replace carpet, touch up paint, update some kitchen appliances, maintain the landscaping, make all the arrangement for the realtor, find a property management company, etc. It took a whole team of us to keep that ship afloat.

7. Keeping up with house maintenance and updates.  We plan to keep the color scheme neutral maintain and upgrade as needed so that a major overhaul or low price point isn't necessary. We can add color and personalize with accent items.

Example: My cousin has a brewing situation with aunt and uncle (in their mid 70s.)  They refuse to move even though the 2 adult kids live in different states than they do. They have no friends anymore and haven't attended church in a very long time.  They haven't maintained their health.  They haven't maintained their house in the 25 years their kids have been out on their own.  Now, at any moment, their poor health could become catastrophic and their house hasn't had any upgrades or maintenance beyond emergencies in 40+ years. Aunt is been hoarding for decades in plastic tubs throughout the house and garage, which can't really be cleaned under without moving them.  She can't move them due to medical issues.  If they want to sell it they'd have to keep the price very low and cross their fingers and hope a fixer upper type wants to buy it-most people want it move in ready.  Who would sort through and move all that I don't know-the daughter is 45, married, has 2 kids, ages 5 and 16, she works full time and will continue to do so until whenever retirement age is.  The son is 41, has 2 kids ages 1 and 5, owns his own business and so does his wife. These are not people with time on their hands.  Bot have offered to help their parents move near them, including the daughter offering a granny house on the property next door (her MIL's house-MIL lives at a facility nearby that specializes in dementia patients.) but they have refused. 

8. Practice building a social network. No sitting passively wishing upon a star, just getting up and doing everything I possibly can because this may not be my last place of residence and I need to know how to build community wherever I go.  We moved and I knocked on doors and introduced myself to the neighbors because they didn't knock on my door for the first 2 weeks, I hosted the neighborhood block party within 4 months of moving in, hosted the kids in the neighborhood for candy making and Christmas caroling,  joined all the local homeschool groups, I chatted with people, invited some of them to coffee, which got invited a women's foodie group I attend monthly, searched for a church for 9 months, joined one a couple of months ago, participate in as much as we can, in 4 years I can join the Red Hat Society and I'll do things with them.  I've invited neighbors over to get to know them better.  I contacted my cousin in the area, (mentioned above) who I had seen maybe half a dozen times in childhood, and we get together monthly.