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Carrie12345

Mostly vent (NPD related)

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Dh’s father is dying.  He’s been mostly separated from dh’s NPD mother for about 6 months, ever since legal and lifestyle issues caught up to them. Dh was basically no-contact before the split, which happened right around the same time FIL got sick. He did reconnect with his dad at that point.  Which, of course, infuriates MIL.

So, predictably, MIL is now putting extra effort into trying to bait dh. I shouldn’t find it shocking, but I can’t help but be amazed by how she’s choosing to do so by disparaging me and FIL, and just being plain mean to dh. The whole “Pay attention to me, I’m your mother” paired with “Your father and wife suck and you’re a terrible son” is textbook, but it still feels so obviously stupid!

Anyway, any experienced advice is welcome for supporting dh through this.  We’ve already had a rough couple of weeks in our own home.  With his dad expeted to pass any day now and his mom being such a pain, I’m at a loss for what to do for him, other than to bring him coffee and make some mac and cheese! 😞 

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Answer the phone and door, don't pass MIL on to your dh unless he wants to talk to her.   

Arrange that he spends as much time as he would like with his dad.  

With NPD,  if he mentions it,  empathy.  

If he would like, you could start pulling photos out in preparation for the celebration of  his dad's life, if there is to be one.

Edited by HeighHo
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7 minutes ago, HeighHo said:

Answer the phone and door, don't pass MIL on to your dh unless he wants to talk to her.   

Arrange that he spends as much time as he would like with his dad.  

With NPD,  if he mentions it,  empathy.  

If he would like, you could start pulling photos out in preparation for the celebration of  his dad's life, if there is to be one.

She leaves him voice and text messages on his cell.  Fortunately, we live a good distance apart and have security gates!

I’m sure he’ll spend as much time as he can, but there’s so little available. He has new employees in from out of town for intensive training. I’m hoping he’ll go tonight.

I should try to look for whatever photos we might have. I don’t think there’s much in our possession. Things like that have always been under tight NPD control.

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Listen.  

 

Prepare to handle whatever practicalities you can.  By that I mean things like making sure he has appropriate clothing ready for whatever funeral/wake/memorial service might be held.  Learn about the legal processes regarding the estate law  might apply or might not.  (note, I am not suggesting that you work to insert yourself into the estate affairs, rather, gather knowledge so you can help him if problems come up.)  

Are his parents actually divorced?

And yes, make his favorite mac and cheese, bring good coffee, etc.  

Edited by happysmileylady
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You say he might go to visit but that there's little time available with work stuff.

So I suggest taking care of the practicalities that you can surrounding that.  If he's planning to go visit after work, have everything ready like a meal on the go or a snack for the car ride.  Book the rental car or hotel room if he needs it, that kind of stuff.  Basically, taking the details off his plate.  

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13 minutes ago, Carrie12345 said:

She leaves him voice and text messages on his cell.  Fortunately, we live a good distance apart and have security gates!

 

 

The only limit we were able to do with that was insist on using the home phone, not the work cell phone as personal calls at work would mean losing job.  Also told NPD that she had to pay for the  nonemergency text messages and international charges if she decided to call the work phone, as the company doesn't pay for charges for personal calls.  

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18 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

Are his parents actually divorced?

Oh, no! That would have required actual action, lol.

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You just need to support him, especially with those boundaries that you've chosen. I've been there.

I worked out very carefully in my mind what I would agree to and what I would not agree to, and then remained flexible. It was a crazy time, but I felt at peace when it was over. Sadly, I had been unable to connect with my father because she told the nursing home that they were to block all calls from me, and I lived too far away to visit. There was considerable drama over the funeral and reception, but then she calmed down. I helped her with some of the paperwork she needed, and then went home. She stayed even during that, but I stayed with another relative and always left her in the late afternoon because she "sundowned" with her dementia and became worse then.

She continued to dump on me off-on-on, but it was actually better when she moved to assisted living because she had other targets of her rage (sad). She later died in the dementia unit of that facility, but I never went back. She completely forgot that she had children, and the staff advised me just to let it go to keep her peaceful. They had quite a struggle with her.

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3 minutes ago, HeighHo said:

 

The only limit we were able to do with that was insist on using the home phone, not the work cell phone as personal calls at work would mean losing job.  Also told NPD that she had to pay for the  nonemergency text messages and international charges if she decided to call the work phone, as the company doesn't pay for charges for personal calls.  

Wow! You actually got someone to abide by that?
We don’t have a house phone, and I think he’s happier with ignoring rather than cracking open a door. I can’t imagine her believing a phone company still charges by call, anyway. If she did, she’d probably try to run it up intentionally!

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Just now, Carrie12345 said:

I’m so sorry.

 

Yes, at one point they wanted to send her to the state mental hospital. I just felt sad for her at that point. I cried at the graveside and one time at home, but only for the lack of closure. She had a very sad, troubled life. 

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45 minutes ago, Carrie12345 said:

She leaves him voice and text messages on his cell.  Fortunately, we live a good distance apart and have security gates!

I’m sure he’ll spend as much time as he can, but there’s so little available. He has new employees in from out of town for intensive training. I’m hoping he’ll go tonight.

I should try to look for whatever photos we might have. I don’t think there’s much in our possession. Things like that have always been under tight NPD control.

can he block her number?  

 

for support - I have found dr. les carter's youtube channel - surviving narcissism, helpful.  he will take questions as well.

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27 minutes ago, Carrie12345 said:

Wow! You actually got someone to abide by that?
We don’t have a house phone, and I think he’s happier with ignoring rather than cracking open a door. I can’t imagine her believing a phone company still charges by call, anyway. If she did, she’d probably try to run it up intentionally!

 

Being a work phone, she decided to play it safe and stop after being shown the bill from the international charges she racked up texting.  Apparently didn't  realize Canada is international...

Edited by HeighHo

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1 hour ago, HeighHo said:

 

Being a work phone, she decided to play it safe and stop after being shown the bill from the international charges she racked up texting.  Apparently didn't  realize Canada is international...

I'm within a few hours of the border.  it's amazing how many people fail to realize it's a *different* country!

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