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13 yo and showers


caedmyn
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It is like pulling teeth to get my 13 yo DD to take a shower once or twice a week.  She rarely does it without prompting, and it usually take several reminders over a couple of days ending with me saying, “Go take a shower right now.  I don’t care if it's 9 pm and you have wet hair in bed.  No, you may not wait til morning because it won’t happen then!”.  It also takes her for.ever to take a shower.  She’s a slow mover in general, and her slowness in the shower really limits the times when she can take one, because she needs a 45 minute window of time.  She literally does nothing but brush her hair, shower, and get dressed in this amount of time.  She doesn’t  shave, doesn’t use face care products, nothing.  Is there some way to make this process a little easier and less Mom-directed?  She has long, very thick hair and I think she dislikes the hassle of washing it as well as the amount of time it takes to dry, but that's life since she doesn’t want to get it cut shorter and doesn’t want to blow dry it.

 

 

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I am probably not the person to ask because nightly baths/showers were a non negotiable requirement in my house.  I would allow her to wash her hair twice a week only but nightly showers would happen.  Period.  Buy her a shower cap so that when she doesn't have to wash her hair it will be easier.

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Isn't the long shower thing just part of them being teens? LOL Seriously, my dd totally does this in spades and I remember doing it as a kid. Now I have stuff to get done, so I set a timer. On the intervention-y side, meds can up processing speed. Having more to do, somewhere she wants to go can motivate her. If she wants/needs to go faster, some people will do like a sound track where she knows wash hair through this song, detangle through this song, shave through this song, out. I set timers because otherwise I have no clue.

On the shaving, is there anything sensory going on? Took me a lotta years to realize they make razors with lots of blades that don't hurt so much. You have to go to like 4-5 blades for that. 

Another tip I read recently was to change the routine to showering every day. Sometimes it's the transition, the lack of habit. Given that she's 13, it's probably time for that. So she can shower every day but alternate which days she shaves and which days she washes her hair, something like that. And I'd definitely use some kind of timer.

The other thing you could do, if the wet hair bothers her, is get her one of those hair turbans. Or I will go to bed with a hand towel on my pillow. Or I'll pat my hair with a towel and then let it air dry 30 minutes will doing my final reading or whatever. She may not realize she has other options.

As far as the hair length, I mean how long are we talking? Waist or mid-back? 

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Is your water pressure low for her length/thickness of hair? You might be able to get a new shower head or take out the regulator that slows the stupid water down. If she has long thick hair, it may be almost impossible to wash in some showers. 

The other thing you can do is get larger bottles of shampoo and pump a PUMP on them. And not the tiny pump from the store that it comes with but the BIG PUMP that you get at the beauty supply. I have my shampoo like this. I have enough hair that using a regular dispenser is a total pain! You can get the pumps for like $2 from the beauty supply and make it SO much easier. She'll love it.  Here's one like I have https://www.sallybeauty.com/hair/hair-care/save-on-liters/black-liter-dispenser-pump/SBS-292035.html

Also, you can take her to a better beautician for a nice trim, maybe some layers, and let them talk with her about how to wash her hair, how often, etc.

Edited by PeterPan
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3 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

Is your water pressure low for her length/thickness of hair? You might be able to get a new shower head or take out the regulator that slows the stupid water down. If she has long thick hair, it may be almost impossible to wash in some showers. 

I agree!  My shower will almost peel your skin off but man I can wash my long thick hair very quickly.

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One of mine is like that.

I do not ask them to wash their hair more than 2x per week (sometimes less if it isn't dirty).  They can take a shower without washing their hair.  They can either tie the hair up in a bun or use a shower cap.  (Personally I prefer the bun solution since shower caps make my head sweat.)

Ideally my kids are supposed to take a shower every night, but realistically they often skip a day or two.  When they skip, they wash face and pits and use deodorant before school.  It isn't perfect, but I have bigger battles to fight than this.

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1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

I agree!  My shower will almost peel your skin off but man I can wash my long thick hair very quickly.

Yup, when my hair was waist length, weak water pressure would make it take 20 minutes just to wash it through!! Then I still had to detangle. 

I use a 32oz bottle of fragrance free and replace the pump it comes with with that better pump. The nozzle pushes more through. So to wash my hair it might take 5 pumps of the smaller pump and it only takes 1 1/2 pumps with the big beauty supply pump, much faster! 

                                            Wet Brush Pro Flex Dry, Ombre                                       She also might like something like a Wet brush to help her detangle faster. If her hair is that long, doubtless she's got a lot of issues detangling. My hair is maybe mid-back right now, and I have this MASS of hair (black, haha) when I detangle. You lose 50 hairs a day, but when your hair is long and thicker it's a lot in the bottom of the tub/shower. The hair stylist turned me onto this Wet brush, and it makes it a little faster or more comfortable. Before I was detangling by hand.

Also, a good detangler/conditioner makes a HUGE difference. And it's little bit the other thing is to have Command hooks installed so all the things she needs are right there, really close, all together. That way she's not pulling from drawers or sifting through her brothers' toys to find her razors or whatever. Walmart/Target will have these corner shelves that you can hang with Command. She can have her own corner shelf that way. Then hang a Command hook for her brush, body sponge, whatever she likes.

Sometimes people don't know how to care for themselves and need someone to show them. People usually like to be pampered but don't know how. If she's going to be in there 45 minutes (which again, I don't think is so unusual honestly, lol), I would try to up her game on how she takes care of herself and finding things she likes, things that make her feel good. I like to scrub my feet with a pumice stone and then wash my face with a rough wash cloth. I'm a real simple person. My dd likes smelly things. I would quibble less over the time and more over getting it to daily and getting her taking care of herself. 

Has she had her eyebrows waxed? If she has that thick hair, she probably has thick eyebrows. I wasn't up on this being a "thing" but you go to the Benefit Brow Bar and you get it done. It's maybe like $15 plus a tip and you don't do it super often. It's a thing though and girls with thick hair, body hair, it's normal to get this done. And that way, if she has some routines like that (I shower every day, every 6 weeks I get my brows done, every 8 weeks I get my hair trimmed, etc.) then she knows ok people NOTICE. That can help reinforce her habits.

But yeah, check out the brow bar. It's a great thing.

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6 minutes ago, SKL said:

One of mine is like that.

I do not ask them to wash their hair more than 2x per week (sometimes less if it isn't dirty).  They can take a shower without washing their hair.  They can either tie the hair up in a bun or use a shower cap.  (Personally I prefer the bun solution since shower caps make my head sweat.)

Ideally my kids are supposed to take a shower every night, but realistically they often skip a day or two.  When they skip, they wash face and pits and use deodorant before school.  It isn't perfect, but I have bigger battles to fight than this.

Scratching my head wondering what that might be....LOL...j/k....sort of.  It wasn't a battle in my house because it was just what was done every. single. night.  

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My 17 yo probably spends 45 minutes as day to shower wash hair, blow dry, etc. She has very thick hair too. I don't think 45 minutes for grooming per day is excessive. Tell her that showering each day is now non-negotiable. Make it a part of her daily routine. She may still grumble, but it's what people need to do. Maybe not washing the hair,  but still showering. Tell her she gets to choose morning or evening. But it WILL happen at that same time each day. 

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Ok, hair dryers. I'm sort of anti-hair dryer because I have this impression, rightly or wrongly, that blow drying my hair often will make the ends split. I don't know if that's true or if a good conditioner makes a difference? If your dd has ideas like that in her head, then addressing them could help. Also, when your hair is thick, the dryer matters. You can laugh, but I kinda really like the powerful wall mount hair dryers, the tiny things that you use at the gym and cruise ships in stuff. They're crazy strong blasts, go right through my hair, and work fast. And sometimes they're a little quieter.

                                            Hamilton Beach Commercial 8301 Wall-Mount Hair Dryer, 1500 Watts, White, Compact, Lightweight                                                                 

I don't *know* if this one is any good, but something like this might be worth a try. Like I said, I'm usually an air dry person, even with waist length, even in the winter with blizzards, and on the cruise ship I used a wall mount every day. I put in ear plugs too, because the noise bothers me. Like you might talk with her and figure out if it's the noise, the inconvenience, the speed, the what bothering her.

I think convenience helps too. The wall mount would be nice. It would make quick work of little buzz summer haircuts for boys, hehe. I'm thinking I should do this for my nutty son. :biggrin:

Edited by PeterPan
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We almost have the opposite problem at our house with our 13 and 14 yo girls (the frequency part, not the length—45 min.x2 per night! 😵), but I have a sneaking suspicion it’s because long, frequent showers and baths are good ways to get away from little brothers. 😝

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39 minutes ago, wintermom said:

Peer pressure is much more effective than mommy pressure. I still remember a girl in school mentioning my hair looked greasy. It's not the most pleasant motivator, but super effective!

 

Yeah...she is the youngest kid in her fellowship group and kind of on the outskirts, and she knows it.  She keeps talking about how she needs to wear tight clothes and then maybe they'll accept her (leggings are not appropriate pants in my book, and I don’t care if everyone else is wearing them as pants...JAWM on this).  I’m thinking, “How about working on the obvious stuff first, like making sure you don’t stink, that your hair doesn’t look like it hasn’t been washed in 2 weeks, and figuring out how to put your hair up so it doesn’t perpetually look like you just walked through a windstorm.”

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5 minutes ago, caedmyn said:

Yeah...she is the youngest kid in her fellowship group and kind of on the outskirts, and she knows it.  She keeps talking about how she needs to wear tight clothes and then maybe they'll accept her (leggings are not appropriate pants in my book, and I don’t care if everyone else is wearing them as pants...JAWM on this).  I’m thinking, “How about working on the obvious stuff first, like making sure you don’t stink, that your hair doesn’t look like it hasn’t been washed in 2 weeks, and figuring out how to put your hair up so it doesn’t perpetually look like you just walked through a windstorm.”

Well, I think you need to say that stuff to her.  Kindly of course.  People are turned off by lack of personal hygiene. And it could make a big difference in how they treat her.  

Edited by Scarlett
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A better shower head is a good idea, and daily showers w/o always washing her hair.

I think shaving is too much hassle for her at this point but I expect that will change this summer.  A friend came over a few weeks ago and did her eyebrows for her.  Idk if she’ll keep up with it though.  DD said, “Why didn’t you tell me I needed to do this??”. I didn’t even notice her eyebrows honestly.  Idk where the line is between pointing things out and pressuring her to do stuff she might not be ready for/want to do.

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1 minute ago, caedmyn said:

A better shower head is a good idea, and daily showers w/o always washing her hair.

I think shaving is too much hassle for her at this point but I expect that will change this summer.  A friend came over a few weeks ago and did her eyebrows for her.  Idk if she’ll keep up with it though.  DD said, “Why didn’t you tell me I needed to do this??”. I didn’t even notice her eyebrows honestly.  Idk where the line is between pointing things out and pressuring her to do stuff she might not be ready for/want to do.

So true.  But hey you have the full backing of the Hive.  Daily showers are a must.  😉

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46 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Scratching my head wondering what that might be....LOL...j/k....sort of.  It wasn't a battle in my house because it was just what was done every. single. night.  

Well we probably have different children.

I also grew up in a house with 6 kids and none of them were fond of showers either.

Judging from how often this topic is discussed here and elsewhere, I think my kids are within the range of normal here.  That said, I do wonder why anyone would not want to take a shower, given the opportunity.  Or get a good night's sleep for that matter.  Perhaps it's just hard to pull oneself away from what one is doing at that age.

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49 minutes ago, caedmyn said:

A better shower head is a good idea, and daily showers w/o always washing her hair.

I think shaving is too much hassle for her at this point but I expect that will change this summer.  A friend came over a few weeks ago and did her eyebrows for her.  Idk if she’ll keep up with it though.  DD said, “Why didn’t you tell me I needed to do this??”. I didn’t even notice her eyebrows honestly.  Idk where the line is between pointing things out and pressuring her to do stuff she might not be ready for/want to do.

I'm with you on this. Cleanliness I require but personal grooming of hair is...personal. And optional. My oldest (almost 13) shaves, and has  for years. My youngest shaved last summer (like 1x) and decided it's not worth the trouble. I go out of my way to let them know that, while shaving is socially the norm, many women and many cultures do not. (So they may get some peer pressure to shave but from me they get "body hair is normal but shaving is an acceptable thing.)

(Mini rant: I have not and will not suggest my girls groom eyebrows. I don't like suggesting that a natural part of their face is wrong/unpleasant. They know I groom my brows, but unless your child is teased for a unibrow or something, I think that can hold off a few years.)

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25 minutes ago, alisoncooks said:

I'm with you on this. Cleanliness I require but personal grooming of hair is...personal. And optional. My oldest (almost 13) shaves, and has  for years. My youngest shaved last summer (like 1x) and decided it's not worth the trouble. I go out of my way to let them know that, while shaving is socially the norm, many women and many cultures do not. (So they may get some peer pressure to shave but from me they get "body hair is normal but shaving is an acceptable thing.)

(Mini rant: I have not and will not suggest my girls groom eyebrows. I don't like suggesting that a natural part of their face is wrong/unpleasant. They know I groom my brows, but unless your child is teased for a unibrow or something, I think that can hold off a few years.)

I totally struggle with this issue. My girls have heavy brows (as did I) and have been needled about them a bit.  Both girls have opted to wax theirs, but only one has continued to pluck (to my knowledge, hers being the most noticeable).  Both girls have upper lip hair, also, but only one has opted for bleaching at present.  I’ve looked into electrolysis for them at their request, but aside from the expense, it is also not done locally under the age of 18. I’m very torn about whether or not to order the non-bleaching dd another option (or even just suggest following her sister’s suit) because if it doesn’t bother her, why should I mention it?  Yet I think it DOES bother her so I don’t want to ignore it.  It’s a sensitive quandary. 🤔

 

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I'd also be super blunt about hygiene. We do our kids no favors when we don't coach and support them appropriately. Please don't quote, as I will take out personal details later. 

Is this your kid that also has sensory issues? Or anxiety? There's another c-name poster, and I don't want to mix up the stories.

Things that help at our house:

1. A shower head with a detachable head and hose. We had tight water restrictions where we lived, so we got a 1.5gpm one, but with REALLY decent pressure. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B002KTQFXK/ref=oh_aui_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1  The handheld shower allows our children to direct water where they need to, iykwim, even if they don't have a good body awareness/motor control.  For our kids that REALLY hate getting water in their faces, they wash their face in the sink and can direct the shower water through their hair.

2. For our kids with severe ADD and no brain functioning left over when meds wear off, we got a wall-mounted chamber dispenser. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000FGCW0A/ref=oh_aui_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1  Rather than fumbling with various bottles in the shower, they pretty much can do 1/2/3 (shampoo, conditioner, body wash) and it has cut down on the amount of executive functioning required of them.  It seems really stupid to people who don't have ADD/ADHD or processing issues, but it's been a game changer here.

3. If she doesn't have good body awareness and motor functioning, washing long hair can be tricky. We actually had our dd put on a swimsuit recently so I could work with her on appropriately washing her long hair. She was blobbing too much shampoo on the crown of her head and then not rinsing well. We practiced over and over how to shampoo and condition appropriately (right amount of product, correct application, correct rinsing).  For kids with really long hair, or super curly hair, teaching them to condition and then wet brush comb their hair while still in the shower really helps with the tangle situation.  If she struggles with a lot of tangles, she may be putting off showering to put off having to deal with her hair.  For my dd, teaching her to wet comb and then to just squeeze her hair with a towel afterwards has cut down on the amount of tangles. 

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As far as shaving goes an electric razor was what Dd needed to be willing to use one regularly.  I have always hated the stubble feel that is left but she is happy because there is no pain and she never cuts herself!

Recently the gal who cut ds hair recommended he use a silicone scrubber when washing his hair.  He is doing it because someone else suggested and the thing has really made a difference.  He used to do a surface wash and actually has somewhat short hair but it was oily, constantly.  We bought it from her but this is what they look like https://www.amazon.com/Shampoo-Massage-Brush-Assorted-Colors/dp/B0002RPTX4?th=1. They come in lots of colors, I got one for Dd too and she likes it also.

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Until puberty my kids shower on active days, which is about every other night.  They get sweaty, dirty, etc. and need a wash.  By teens, it's mandatory every day.

So there are two problems here: there's not enough activity for your dd to think she needs a shower and you need to just state what the rule is going to be from now on: shower time from x-x, ever day.  Give her a timer.  Stand outside the door when it goes off calling to her.  Help her get with the new routine and don't expect her to suddenly WANT to do it all on her own.

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I still have to talk to my young teens daily about showering, so it's not unusual for the age. I agree with requiring a shower daily. We have always done every other day, but now that the kids are in sports and are sweaty, it is pretty much daily. But I have to tell them to do it.

If she will respond well to a checklist, you could post something in the shower with the order to do things.

1) Put shampoo in hair. Rub it down to the roots, all over. Rinse well.

2) Put conditioner in hair. Leave it in hair while you wash your body.

3) Wash your body with soap, starting at the top and working down. Wash armpits and bottom twice **** this is just to make sure she does it at least once*****

4) Rinse conditioner out of hair.

Or whatever list would work for her.

DS15 needs a list like that, but the truth is that he will not read it.

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I know this is touchy here, but when my daughter was hygiene resistant I did have her get a haircut to keep that end simpler and faster.  Especially after one bout with lice over here.  I don't think it's out of line to say that you take care of that hair or it's coming up to bob length (or whatever would work well) to a 13 year old.  Hair grows.

Showering is a daily event here and has been since my kids were about 10.  My daughter is 14 now and ugh, she really needs at least a rinse and a soap up daily.  I do think setting a timer is fine.  There is no reason a shower and that hygiene steps need to take more than 15 minutes.  Honestly, I think it's just easier when it's everyday and it becomes a habit.   I am blunt when my kids smell like a gym.  Better me than someone else.  

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The timer suggestion that HomeAgain makes is a good one.  It takes my dd with super long hair 7 minutes to shower. We timed all of the tasks, start to finish and she showed me that she could do it in that time frame. If I then allot 20 minutes to her to do the task, it is completely reasonable that she can shower and vacate the bathroom in that time frame, even with significant dawdling.  I set a timer and keep the evening routine moving along. I have four kids sharing one bathroom and having one take 90 minutes during evening and morning prime time is a problem.  Making her do it every day, and within a given time frame is going to help automate those tasks mentally for her and after about six weeks you should see a lot less resistance.

(This was advice given to me by an occupational therapist 10 years ago for a different kid and it has held true for all of them.)

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2 hours ago, caedmyn said:

A friend came over a few weeks ago and did her eyebrows for her.  Idk if she’ll keep up with it though.  DD said, “Why didn’t you tell me I needed to do this??”. I didn’t even notice her eyebrows honestly.  Idk where the line is between pointing things out and pressuring her to do stuff she might not be ready for/want to do.

Can I be really nice here? I was really slow on the draw too. We'll pretend it was that I was busy with ds, but reality is I didn't realize how this is supposed to work. My mother was always busy and I was left to fend for myself. Maybe I missed the mothering model?  Like you I was leaving my dd to figure stuff out. Then she made this friend who's mom was like UBER-MOM. This lady was taking her kid to the Brow Bar and to the make-up counter to learn to do make-up and this and that.

Why are you letting some other kid teach your dd something as important as eyebrows????? Hello, hygiene. 

So one, your dd clearly has some social delays and is not picking up the clue phone. All your kids have some, seems like and your dh is a little clueless too. But this girl clearly is going to need more DIRECT INSTRUCTION to figure things out. She's not going to get it done on her own. And really, she's growing up with this scad of boys and a ton of distraction. 

It's ok that she's been doing whatever in the past, but now would be a good time to step that up and focus on her as a young lady provide direct instruction. Take her to the Brow Bar yourself, take her to a make-up counter yourself. You do it. Take her to a good hairdresser who will spend time with her. I'm clueless on hair too, because my hair just does it's thing naturally, being wavy. My dd needed direct instruction, so I took her to the top person at the JC Penny salon, paid a stupid high amount ($50 with tip) and the lady TAUGHT her. And I kept taking her in. So I'm frumpy, but my kid has highlights and knows how to do all this stuff because I paid someone who DID know to make it happen. If you're busy, pay a professional, someone really good, and have them teach her.

As she's finding, not being as expected for hygiene, dress, etc. will affect how she's received. That's really dangerous for her self image if she thinks dressing more tightly would gain her social approval. You want to be on this PRONTO getting her help with hair, hygiene, a proper eyebrow job. Get her nails done. Maybe even find her someone to help with clothes! That could be a slightly older teen if you had the right person. My dd is that way with clothes. She literally takes people shopping and redoes their wardrobes, lol. 

Unfortunately, the teens are kind of external years. It's nice to think people should look at the inside, but they don't.

Edited by PeterPan
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We have found the following books to be helpful for kids/young tweens who are socially aware and want to know how to do more: 

https://www.amazon.com/Hair-Book-Keeping-Advice-Girls/dp/1609587391/ref=sr_1_3?keywords=american+girl+hair&qid=1555000323&s=gateway&sr=8-3

https://www.amazon.com/Skin-Nails-Book-Keeping-American/dp/1683371062/ref=sr_1_6?keywords=american+girl+hair&qid=1555000354&s=gateway&sr=8-6

https://www.amazon.com/Care-Keeping-You-Older-Girls/dp/1609580427/ref=pd_bxgy_14_2/134-4540538-0589224?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=1609580427&pd_rd_r=7debf572-5c77-11e9-bbbb-75a87c432941&pd_rd_w=0w6OO&pd_rd_wg=at8CW&pf_rd_p=a2006322-0bc0-4db9-a08e-d168c18ce6f0&pf_rd_r=Z0AV70Z8VCD99MKJVN3N&psc=1&refRID=Z0AV70Z8VCD99MKJVN3N   The target range of this last book is ages 10-12. It does discuss how to insert a tampon. If you  are aiming for younger children (like ages 7-10) the book for younger girls is more appropriate. A 13 yo should know about tampons, though, even if it's her preference not to use them. 

I think PP's suggestion of heading to Ulta and paying to work with an aesthetician for a one time consult on skin care and makeup is a good one if you aren't hyper aware and actively teaching this yourself.   Kids who aren't naturally aware need explicit instruction....both stating the problem and what is causing it as well as how to resolve it.  And, likely, they will need a few repeats of that info as they work through the process.

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1 minute ago, Margaret in CO said:

We solved the problem by joining swim team! Tada! Showers 5 times a week!

That worked for us while ds was swimming, and when we stopped swim team and swim lessons he was like why would I shower?? There's nothing like a little social delay and glitch to leave someone clueless, lol. But yeah, I've been tempted to sign him up for something just to get him in the shower more often, lol. 

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My 13 and 14 year old favorite time for showering is between 2pm to 6pm (or 5pm if early sunset). They want to shower at the hottest time of the day.  I want to shower at the hottest time of the day too since I hate coming out of the bathroom and it’s cold and I shiver and sneeze like crazy. I use a shower cap as I don’t want to wash my hair daily.

DS13 likes a long bath as he treats it as downtime. DS14 alternates between a 10mins shower and a long bath. Sometimes he just want to not stink, sometimes he wants to relax. 

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2 hours ago, caedmyn said:

Yeah...she is the youngest kid in her fellowship group and kind of on the outskirts, and she knows it.  She keeps talking about how she needs to wear tight clothes and then maybe they'll accept her (leggings are not appropriate pants in my book, and I don’t care if everyone else is wearing them as pants...JAWM on this).  I’m thinking, “How about working on the obvious stuff first, like making sure you don’t stink, that your hair doesn’t look like it hasn’t been washed in 2 weeks, and figuring out how to put your hair up so it doesn’t perpetually look like you just walked through a windstorm.”

Time for a mom/daughter beauty day! Start with either make up or hair, whichever she is LESS likely to balk at. So if she's insistent on not changing her hair, but open to trying makeup, go to the makeup counter at the department store or wherever first. Both have your makeup done. Let her feel pretty. THEN go to the hair salon. Have someone really fabulous talk to her about her particular hair type, and explain how/why shorter hair would be more flattering to her face, etc. that long heavy hair tends to hide her beauty, or whatever. Let them give her a fabulous cut, doesn't have to be super short but shorter and some layers may make a HUGE difference in how easy it is to maintain. That's what I'd do. 

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50 minutes ago, mumto2 said:

Recently the gal who cut ds hair recommended he use a silicone scrubber when washing his hair.  He is doing it because someone else suggested and the thing has really made a difference.  He used to do a surface wash and actually has somewhat short hair but it was oily, constantly.  We bought it from her but this is what they look like https://www.amazon.com/Shampoo-Massage-Brush-Assorted-Colors/dp/B0002RPTX4?th=1. They come in lots of colors, I got one for Dd too and she likes it also.

I'm going to get this for youngest DD. She bathes daily, but I wonder just how thoroughly she's washing because she still gets oily hair. 

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It's probably easier to get a kid to so something every day (so it's a habit, not a decision) than only some days. DS doesn't object to a nightly shower probably because it happens after dinner/evening activities every single night.

If there's a cell phone she could have in the bathroom with her (even if not hers), having a song or playlist the right length is a nice timer. If you always use the same one, it helps you sense the time better (and if you choose good songs, also puts you in a good frame of mind). I do this for myself.

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Regarding body hair management.  I am descended from a part of the world where girls aren't super hairy by nature.  I think that might be why my FOO's culture is to postpone body hair - related hygiene.  My kids however have different ancestry.  I am sensitive to the fact that kids at school notice and comment on things, and that such comments can be extremely upsetting to a tween girl.  So when my kids ask about this kind of hygiene, I tell them all the options and let them decide if and when to take action.  I provide them with stuff that my research suggests is safe and manageable for tweens.  I give them a tutorial and then it's up to them.

My eldest started shaving her legs at 9yo IIRC, and using a facial hair cream at 10 or 11.  My younger [by 3 months] watched this happen and followed along soon thereafter.  At this point I am at a loss to say why this would ever have been controversial.  If I didn't let my kid shave her legs, I don't think she would be willing to participate in sports that involve shorts / leotards.  I don't even want to think of what things would be like if she was required to go to school with facial hair.  This isn't me trying to teach my kid that her God-given body isn't good enough.  She is aware of her surroundings.

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Can not say how helpful an aesthetician can be ............and my son listened.  He was older than 13 but I wish we had done it then.

The gal who does DS’s hair is an aesthetician also.  She used to do birthday parties and apparently tween girls loved it.  I thought she was incredibly blunt but Ds soaked it all up and before she talked to him I didn’t think he cared at all.  She moved out of the birthday party  market and now does hair and free advice.....I make sure she is tipped well.😉

A couple of other great tips from her that ds actually does is  Cetaphil face wash followed by Oil of Olay or the yellow Clinique mosterizer (ds uses this because I already had it). and 5 days of good dandruff shampoo as needed.....it must have some ingredient that the Biolage one has and some cheaper ones don’t.  We bought the Biolage and he has stuck with it.  He alternates with a different Biolage product.  His acme is so much better and he looks so handsome with his clean scrubbed with the good silicone scrubber hair.  😉

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I personally think styling hair, brow maintenance, makeup, shaving is not mandatory ever as far as I'm concerned.  My daughter dances so she has worn make up on stage since she was very young and doesn't have much interest in wearing it day to day.  We've done salon days as special occasions but not regularly.  She does something with her brows at times.  She has a simple, can put it back hair cut.  She shaves when she's in a dance or theater production but often doesn't inbetween.

If that resonates with a kid in terms of encouraging hygiene, that's great.  I don't think it's at all necessary though.  My brows have always been pretty natural looking.  I often don't shave during the winter.  We are all light on body hair over here.  When I bother with makeup a few times a month it's powder, mascara, eyeliner, lipgloss.  The full on cover girl thing isn't everyone's jam.  🤷‍♀️

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Although I agree that hair styling, brow maintenance, makeup, etc. is absolutely not mandatory, I also think many young women don't do it b/c they don't know how.  Especially for a daughter that was slow to pick up on the social cues, I would take her out and we'd just have a girls day out or two as described by several other posters.  She could learn how to do it and see how it looked like/felt, and then I would totally let her drive the train as to whether she ever wanted to do it again.  

Signed,

someone who wishes she'd known how to do some of that stuff earlier in my life.....

 

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By the time #5 child came around and was that age, I didn't pay so much attention to when and how often they showered anymore...ha...  (But then, I never really paid super close attention to their shower habits once they were in their teens.) One particular dd did walk around with greasy hair a lot for a year or two, during the period when hormones were kicking in but she wasn't so focused on looks and fitting in.  Obviously I would have said something If she smelled or I thought there was a health concern, or it obviously kept people way.  But at least in the winter here, you can stay pretty clean with just two showers/week.  I think two showers a week should be very doable...  

I wonder, could you just put on her calendar that every Monday and Thursday she must take a shower?  (for example)  Just build it into her routine?  If you homeschool her, you could even put it into her homeschool course schedule those days:  9:00am -- shower;  10:30am -- math.  

Maybe get the powder shampoo for in-between days?  I got that for my dd and it helped a lot!  You just sprinkle it in, comb it through, and hair looks clean for another day or two.  Would she be open to an afternoon at a hair salon to pick out a new hairstyle?  You say she wants to keep her long hair, but maybe after looking through some hair magazines, she'd opt for one that's a little shorter.  

Or maybe she's like me...  All my life, I could get by with washing my hair just once/week if I wanted to.  I just don't collect oil there.  I still wash it twice/week, but could easily get by with once.

You can of course insist on a few things that help between showers -- deodorant, clean daily underwear...  How about thick cloth headbands that help keep hair in place if she's not interested in styling it herself yet?

I feel like a lazy rebel now though, because my girls didn't like to shave, and I never told them they had to or ever made it a big deal at all.  I don't like to either!  At some point though they decided they'd give it a try, and now they all mostly do (except in the winter -- like me, when nearly every inch of you is covered for sometimes 6 months).  Sometimes I had that foam or lotion hair remover -- Nair? -- on hand for my girls.  It's easy to use (except it smells bad!), especially first shave after winter!  You just put it on your legs, keep it on for a few minutes,  and wash it off, and the hair comes off too.  It's probably not good for you in the long run but worked for us now and then.

We have facial hair in our family too.  I always use a facial hair bleach for mine and I didn't hide my using it around my girls, so they could see it was an option... but I didn't make a huge deal out of it either.  I never insisted my girls use it, or even suggested it, unless they expressed interest.  Same with eyebrow hair, and some of us have busy eyebrows!  I really never thought that appearance stuff was so important.  

My girls are all in their 20's now, and despite their mother's somewhat hands-off bodily guidance, they do all know how to dress appropriately and look clean and stylish now, when they want to.  🙂  

Edited by J-rap
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4 hours ago, perkybunch said:

At that age, we had non-negotiable showers every night at 7:30.  They became non-negotiable because my dd would try to wheedle her way out of them.  So it was became a must-do no matter what.  And I still had to remind EVERY night at 7:30, but at least the resistance stopped.

This is exactly how I handled it with my ds at this age.  Non-negotiable shower every single day and when he saw I wasn’t going to back down, he stopped resisting and developed the good habit of a daily shower.

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I’d go with shower cap and only 1x/wk hair wash...  and maybe that day, let her indulge in long bath time.  

Daily, a quick shower let her choose time if possible, but try to aim for 10 minutes or less. As in, get wet, get soapy, get rinsed, get dry, get dressed, get out

I discovered that having a clock with a timer in bathroom is a huge help.  

KADAMS Digital Bathroom Shower Kitchen Wall Clock Timer with Alarm, Waterproof for Water Spray, Touch Screen Timer, Temperature Humidity Display with Suction Cup Hanging Hole Shelf Stand - Black https://www.amazon.com/dp/B06ZXRZ36R/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_oe5RCbBK2BHZ1

one push for 10 minutes countdown 

has she possibly got add?  Inattentive?

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For a while when I was insisting on a shower "every" night, one of mine was going in there and faking it.  Would have been easier to just do it, but puberty isn't the most logical age ....

I'd rather she take a real shower every 2-3 days than fake it daily, LOL.  As for the other kid, between nagging for hours and then having her be in the bathroom forever, her showers can take up the whole dang evening.  Sometimes sleep needs to win.

I do push if they've had a physically busy / sweaty day.  But many days here are cool.  I honestly rarely notice my kids being stinky.  And I don't think it's my nose being faulty.  😛  I assume the morning wash-up / deodorant are doing their job in between showers.

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I am the wrong mom for girls’ days outs.  I haven’t worn makeup except a bit of concealer occasionally since my wedding 15 years ago.  I've had a manicure once, and didn’t particularly enjoy it.  I casually tweeze my brows and take 5 mins a day to fix my hair and that’s it.  I can show her basic hygenie stuff, but that's it.  I think she’s a little young for makeup anyway, and I don’t see her taking the time to apply it properly, or to wash it off at night.

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I think sometimes there's a misconception that beauty stores are only for learning makeup.  There is a reason that proper skin care is a (minimum) three step process. We first wash our face. We then use a toner to return the PH balance back to where it should be and to remove trace amounts of cleanser.  We then use a lotion to nourish our skin. Ideally, that lotion also contains SPF to protect our skin from UV damage.  There really is a purpose behind the products---and I think *that* would be helpful to convey regardless of whether she ever wants to add a touch of tinted lip balm or a dot of concealer. 

If you want some suggestions of products, I think all of us are happy to offer up. Currently my 10 year old uses Cetaphil face wash followed by micellar water followed by Oil of Olay sensitive skin lotion with SPF.  If we still lived closer to the equator I'd put her into a higher SPF lotion, but we don't anymore.  My teen boys use much the same process but sometimes use tea-tree oil infused wipes from Trader Joe's to deal with the occasional (but very rare) acne.

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40 minutes ago, caedmyn said:

I am the wrong mom for girls’ days outs.  I haven’t worn makeup except a bit of concealer occasionally since my wedding 15 years ago.  I've had a manicure once, and didn’t particularly enjoy it.  I casually tweeze my brows and take 5 mins a day to fix my hair and that’s it.  I can show her basic hygenie stuff, but that's it.  I think she’s a little young for makeup anyway, and I don’t see her taking the time to apply it properly, or to wash it off at night.

The make up was more to see herself differently, to see that she can do something different and look/feel different. I thought that might help prep her to be more open to a new hairstyle once you got tot he salon. 

and if you don't normally do much makeup either, than it would be both of you doing something new, which might be fun!

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