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gingersmom

The bad roommate

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My son (freshman) has only had this roommate for about 3 months but he is a bad egg (to put it nicely)

With 30 days left of school my son reached his breaking point and met with his RA. She gave good advice, he discussed with roommate.

Roommate has now been slamming window shut and banging his desk chair against desk for hours (starting at 3am). 

I told my son to put phone to video, roommate saw and left the room. 

Ugh. RA says she will elevate to meeting with hall director.

I can’t even make sense of roommates behavior.

Ugh.

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Some kids are so immature.  I hope the meeting goes well for your son and that he can get some peace with the situation and get through this ordeal.

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I'm so sorry your son has to deal with this.  Good idea on using the phone to record bad behavior.  Not only can he document, but the roommate obviously doesn't like being recorded so it may be a deterrent.  I hope that he can get decent resolution on this so that he can finish the semester with minimal fuss.  

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My ds had a really bad roommate situation this year (freshman year). He endured it way too long. Finally about a month into second semester he requested a room change. He had it in 24 hours and in a much better situation. It would be worth it even for the short time left. Mine should have changed rooms long ago.

 

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His first roommate moved after about 6 weeks. Then no roommate for over a month. Next roommate moved in for short time before dropping out of school. Then no roommate again.

So he has been pretty lucky until now. Because of medical condition he could have gotten a single room but he wanted the college experience of having a roommate. His sister and I warned him but he wouldn’t listen.

On the bright side he learned how to advocate for himself which he is quite proud of.

Roommate left room around 5am (after videotape) came back and was silent.

Hopefully the nonsense will stop.

 

 

Edited by gingersmom
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38 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:

My ds had a really bad roommate situation this year (freshman year). He endured it way too long. Finally about a month into second semester he requested a room change. He had it in 24 hours and in a much better situation. It would be worth it even for the short time left. Mine should have changed rooms long ago.

 

I’ve heard so many roommate horror stories.  One of my friend’s dd’s went to the same school my ds is at one year before him.  She left so hopeful and excited and wound up struggling horribly because of a bullying roommate.  Another local girl we know went through major emotional issues at school for the same reason.  I’ve told both of my kids not to put up with any of that.  If there is a major character issue with their roommate, switch ASAP!  No need to brave it out or hope it gets better.  Just move on.  My ds has been lucky to have a great roommate his first year.  It was a huge relief to me because I know something like that could have been the difference between him making the adjustment of being away at college and returning home.

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We got a new roommate in the middle of the second semester of our junior year (the other three of us had been roomies since freshman year in a 2BR campus apartment). The sorority chicks who moved her in (her former roommates) were just ever so helpfully moving her things with/for her. It was AWFUL. This poor girl had been tormented by them for months and the housing manager felt we were good/nice kids who would treat her well (we did). Not to say that she was an easy roomie tho. She was poor, not just broke, poor Her parents cut her off when she decided to come to school and she did not have money for basic hygiene products or even appropriate clothes (like for interviews). This was not a good fit for Los Angeles. Roomie issues can be complicated. I spent the rest of that semester sleeping on the couch in the living room because the smell was unbearable in my bedroom and I didn't have the heart to confront her.

Edited by Sneezyone

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That sounds like a bad situation, and I'd have no problem intervening as the parent.  You're paying good money for your child to be there, and he shouldn't have to put up with that.  That's different than different personalities working out how to get along.  Your ds's roommate clearly has no interest in working it out.

My dd had only one bad roommate experience and just for one semester.  But, they were on complete opposite schedules so fortunately rarely had to deal with each other.  If it had been longer than one semester she/we would have insisted on a change.

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Do some looking on the college website, there should be a procedure for your son to follow. Contacting the RA was excellent, as it sets a process in motion where the RA officially ids the troubled young man as a student in distress, and there should be some other meetings happening that due to privacy, your son won't know about.  If he does feel at any time that he is in danger or the troubled man is thinking of suicide,  he needs to directly call the Campus Police - he should have that number on his phone, fast dial. 

Both of my dc's colleges stress that students are not to try to help a distressed student out on their own, get help.  My son and another suitemate had to do that when living off campus - really helpful as the mental health people could also give them some ideas.  His apt-mate had serious mental health issues, and ended up moving back home mid semester after counseling.

  The roommate has probably been told about the local crisis mental health phone line - know that your student can use for his needs as well as to refer his roommate for help. And know that your student can get counseling on campus if he'd like to talk to anyone about it. 

This is the website I found helpful when my guys called as it spelled things out clearly, but you should read your son's college website for the local procedure and phone numbers to put on speed dial:

https://www.buffalo.edu/studentlife/help/emergency/students-in-distress.html

Edited by HeighHo

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When I was in college (in the last century), some kids behaves badly on purpose so that their roommates would get moved out and then they had the room all to themselves. This behavior was not unknown in my campus. Maybe that is what is going on with this roommate. Maybe he is trying to make your son initiate a request for a room transfer and does not want to be named as the reason for it and hence stopped behaving badly as soon as the recording started.

phones have voice recorders as well. if the roommate is too smart to act out when the video recording is ON, then, he can use the voice recording option without roommate knowing it. Then, he has evidence that he can give to the RA. Reaching  a breaking point is not something that your son should have to endure. He is in college to get an education, not to suffer. With evidence, the college will transfer your son out quickly because they do not want liability as well. 

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37 minutes ago, mathnerd said:

When I was in college (in the last century), some kids behaves badly on purpose so that their roommates would get moved out and then they had the room all to themselves. This behavior was not unknown in my campus. Maybe that is what is going on with this roommate. Maybe he is trying to make your son initiate a request for a room transfer and does not want to be named as the reason for it and hence stopped behaving badly as soon as the recording started.

phones have voice recorders as well. if the roommate is too smart to act out when the video recording is ON, then, he can use the voice recording option without roommate knowing it. Then, he has evidence that he can give to the RA. Reaching  a breaking point is not something that your son should have to endure. He is in college to get an education, not to suffer. With evidence, the college will transfer your son out quickly because they do not want liability as well. 

Thanks for the suggestion. My son says he knows how to use. 

27 days left of school so I am hoping this will be resolved tonight. 

I’m beginning to wonder why this person moved from their previous room.

On the plus side I have seen a side of my son I never knew about. Mature, confident, outspoken and just taking charge. Making me proud!

ETA: He just asked RA about a room change. 

Edited by gingersmom
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Well since I last posted my son told me more, told hall director he felt unsafe to sleep in room so I headed out to pick him up ( school is an hour away)

Tomorrow I’ll take him back for class then help him move to new room in the afternoon.

I can’t wait till this is a distant memory.

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6 hours ago, gingersmom said:

Well since I last posted my son told me more, told hall director he felt unsafe to sleep in room so I headed out to pick him up ( school is an hour away)

Tomorrow I’ll take him back for class then help him move to new room in the afternoon.

I can’t wait till this is a distant memory.

I’m glad you went and got him and that he’s moving into a new room.

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Sorry he has to be the one to move, but his health and safety have to be priority.  Hope the other guy is able to find the mental health resources available to him to be useful.

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Update #99

Title: I can’t make this up

I arrive to help him move. We get key to new room. We pack up old room. We go to new room. 

There is a kid living in the room. We call hall director. He says room has been empty  for months, he will be right over.

Turns our kid who is no longer enrolled has been living there. He lives out of state so they are giving him till Monday at noon to vacate.

in the meantime my son was encouraged to call campus security and report his roommates threatening behavior which he did. 

I can only describe the roommates mess as hoarders meets mentally ill college student. Everyone who entered the room was shocked.

So we packed up his stuff in car to take home for the weekend and bring back on Monday.

Wish us luck!! I don’t think it can get stranger.

 

 

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I'm glad he's found a resolution and hopefully everything will fall right into place on Monday (someone living in the room?? My dd's uni uses key-cards for the rooms and once you're "supposed to have moved out," the key-card goes dead. No re-entering the room! I guess that's quite a bit safer? lol) How on EARTH did they not look in the room before giving your ds a key, though?!? So strange!!

But, I'm disgusted that he had to be the one who moved out. Always seems to be the non-problem kid who has to do the moving. At least, in my dd's case, that's how it's been twice now. 😕  (although if the roommate is a hoarder on top of the mental issues... maybe your son would prefer to have a clean slate... This last time my dd went through this, she was THRILLED to move out. She said the room had bad vibes and she didn't want to be there anymore... so the PITA was worth it to her)

Yay for single rooms, though!! 😄

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Wow! You're right...can't make this stuff up!! I hope the move goes smoothly on Monday. Sorry your son has to be the one to move, but I hope he can get the single & everything will be CALM for the rest of the semester!!

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Monday afternoon and the saga is not over yet!!!

The kid squatting in the room is still there. He has less than an hour to vacate before campus police pack up his room.

While I feel bad for this kid my son who is paying for his room I feel worse.

I am sitting in dorm lobby waiting for the thrilling conclusion.

 

Edited by gingersmom
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He’s finally out!!!

i watched them deactivate his student id so I won’t worry he will return.

Oddly enough I saw him in his car. 

I am happy for this to finally be over. 

Waiting for my son to get out of class to happily unpack car.

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I'm glad you live close enough to cart him and his items home and back so many times, I can't help but wonder what a student who lived further away would have done? I think the school owes your son a few days of room reimbursement (or your gas $$).

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Oh, and make sure you guys do a full inspection of the room & write up any existing problems so your son doesn't get charged for the room condition that the other kid left!!

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Final final update.........aka the thrilling conclusion

The good news he is in his room and happy happy happy. It took some vacuuming and lots of sweeping but it is finally clean and he unpacked and is ecstatic.

The bad news is that from 2-4:30 he was locked out of the dorm (technically) because someone deleted his student id number from his student id card and he could not access the elevator or stairs. So basically his stuff was in his room but he wasn't allowed in. Then he was allowed in, but I wasn't. And someone said we should wait several days for it to be fixed. Long story short I may have raised my voice slightly louder than normal, left repeated voicemails with 2 hall directors and 1 person working from home. 

All is well now, my blood pressure has returned to its normal low, I'm in zen mode and all is good.

My son has loved hearing everyones comments about this incredibly strange journey.

Thanks for listening!

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1 hour ago, gingersmom said:

Final final update.........aka the thrilling conclusion

The good news he is in his room and happy happy happy. It took some vacuuming and lots of sweeping but it is finally clean and he unpacked and is ecstatic.

The bad news is that from 2-4:30 he was locked out of the dorm (technically) because someone deleted his student id number from his student id card and he could not access the elevator or stairs. So basically his stuff was in his room but he wasn't allowed in. Then he was allowed in, but I wasn't. And someone said we should wait several days for it to be fixed. Long story short I may have raised my voice slightly louder than normal, left repeated voicemails with 2 hall directors and 1 person working from home. 

All is well now, my blood pressure has returned to its normal low, I'm in zen mode and all is good.

My son has loved hearing everyones comments about this incredibly strange journey.

Thanks for listening!

So a student who was not attending had been squatting in a room with access to the dorm for an extended period, did not move out by the deadline, and his key was just deactivated today, but your ds, who has been forced to switch rooms, wait for a room, had his id deactivated today, too? I'd have done more slightly raise my voice. That is appalling. 

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Thanks for keeping us updated!  I’m glad he’s finally in his own room.  Now he has a story to tell for a long time.

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On ‎4‎/‎11‎/‎2019 at 8:25 PM, gingersmom said:

Thanks for the suggestion. My son says he knows how to use. 

27 days left of school so I am hoping this will be resolved tonight. 

I’m beginning to wonder why this person moved from their previous room.

On the plus side I have seen a side of my son I never knew about. Mature, confident, outspoken and just taking charge. Making me proud!

ETA: He just asked RA about a room change. 

Unfortunately, those 27 days includes critical finals week.  Has your DS asked the roommate what the problem is?  Maybe it's easily correctible with some talk therapy?  Don't know if he has already done this; I am a bit late to this thread and you may have already given us the backstory and I missed it.

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