Menu
Jump to content

What's with the ads?

Scarlett

Curfews for young adults

Recommended Posts

9 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

hmm - maybe because my grandmother was controlling, I do not do this with my own kids.  after awhile, it felt suffocating, and I refused to indulge her "need to know everything".

I don't think about my girls (both have their own homes), how late they're out, where they are, etc. unless there is something else going on (and the something else is what is getting attention).  I chat to catch up on what they're doing - but they're responsible adults with their own lives and I don't need to know that 1dd has to work through the night to reconfigure whatever, or that 2dd is working a late shift.  they're responsible adults, and I trust them to make good choices.  yes there are stupid people out there that can cause problems (1dd just had her car totaled by one, and 2dd had one nearly run her off the freeway when she was eight months pregnant.) - but they're everywhere and no one wants to be a hermit.

All of us have reactions and feelings and expectations shaped by our upbringing.  Few people had a childhood with nothing negative at all.  And there is danger in going to far in any direction with our thinking.  Not saying you do, just saying I am aware I have to be reasonable even when my inner child is not. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
21 hours ago, Scarlett said:

 It doesn’t matter how quiet he is.  If he isn’t home I can’t sleep.  If I do go to sleep I wake up and wonder if he is home or in a ditch.  I just don’t want to deal with that stress.  

But this isn't actually his fault.  Do you generally have anxiety?  Maybe you could/should work on that piece of it instead of blaming him?  Is he in a position where moving out is a reasonable idea at this point?

I don't think an 11 pm curfew for a 19 year old is reasonable especially if it's 7 days a week.

  • Like 12

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Quote

 

We are on the main floor sharing a wall with my 19 year old.  And yes Dh has said he could fix it.....tear the wall out and sound proof it....but it is just one more thing on our long list of things we want to do.  

 

 

Two words: Hanging tapestries. One on his side of the wall, one on yours. Presto! That and a white noise machine will do wonders. (I assume you already have carpets down.) DIY tapestries can't be any more expensive than DIY tearing down walls, and it's bound to be a lot less disruptive.

Quote

No it doesn’t.  It depends on the degree to which they are striving to support themselves.  

 

Surely he has shown that he is "striving to support himself" by the fact that he is continuing his education.

  • Like 7

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have a much younger sibling who stayed with me several months last year when she lost her job an was looking for a new job.  I would have never set a curfew for her. She was not paying rent nor was she working and earning money.  I still considered her an adult.  At times she made noise that disturbed me and I am sure that at times I made noise that disturbed her.  That happens when family lives together.  

Then a few months ago DD returned from a job overseas and had a few months before she was starting another job abroad.  She was not working at the moment.  We welcomed her home and viewed her as an adult even though she wasn't working at the moment.  

 

  • Like 7

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, Tanaqui said:

 

Two words: Hanging tapestries. One on his side of the wall, one on yours. Presto! That and a white noise machine will do wonders. (I assume you already have carpets down.) DIY tapestries can't be any more expensive than DIY tearing down walls, and it's bound to be a lot less disruptive.

 

Inexpensive blankets would also work, actually

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
19 hours ago, Scarlett said:

No,  his father lives out of state.  I don’t think there is any way ds would want that.  Nor do I.  I just want him to be home by 11 or have a prearranged plan otherwise.  Really not too much to ask.  Well I do ask he take out the trash and make his bed every day and that is a struggle too,  because apparently no one in America makes their bed daily except me.  

 

You don't want him to live with his father, but you do want him to get an apartment...why not just have him move in with his dad? 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
20 hours ago, Scarlett said:

The trouble is Cat that you can’t fathom a life unlike yours.  

What makes your life so different from Cat's? I find this back and forth confusing.

Never mind - I get it now.

Edited by hippiemamato3
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Ktgrok said:

Inexpensive blankets would also work, actually

 

Friends of mine hung/stapled thrift store comforters to shared walls. It works if you have a heavy duty staple gun with longer staples.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
23 hours ago, OKBud said:

"Time perception" is the phrase if you're interested in this 🙂 

ETA-- I started reading about it when I had ADD people in my life. They have the exact opposite thing: no sense of time passing. So there's a real gulf between us. 

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4830363/

Very interesting.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@OKBud and @Scarlett the time perception article is very interesting.  I’m glad it got posted in first place and then quoted so I noticed.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I haven't read all of the replies here because just from the first page and the last it seems like things got derailed.  Here is my experience with adult children living in the house.  He does not have a curfew per se, but he is expected to have an understanding of common courtesy.  If he gets out of class at 9:40 pm and decides he is going to go study or hang out it is only common courtesy to text mom or dad so no one thinks he is dead in a ditch.  If he does not text me, I will text him asking if he is dead in a ditch.  Maybe he & whomever he is hanging out with will get a good laugh at his uncool mom.  I don't care.  I am not treating him like a child.  If Dh, who plays hockey late at night, didn't get home when I expected, he would get a text too.  This is one of the consequences of living at home.  If he wasn't living here I wouldn't know when to expect him home & therefore wouldn't worry.  I go to bed at 10:30pm.  If he gets home after 10:30pm he may not make an excessive amount of noise & wake up younger siblings, he may not cook food (but eating something like yogurt or a sandwich is OK,) he may not take a shower.  Plans should have been made for the shower before the middle of the night.  He may not watch TV, play video games, or listen to creepy podcasts without using headphones.  Why do I have so many really specific examples?  Because I have been through this more than once.  Other than expecting to know when he would be home, all of these things are common courtesy things that he would be expected to think about if he lived with a roommate.  You are not infantilizing him by expecting common courtesy.  Each of these things were dealt with one at a time;

"Hey!  I had a hard time falling asleep last night after you came home at midnight and banged around the kitchen......In the future could you take off your shoes?"

As for consequences....That is a tough one.  I am more of a rewarder than a punisher.   And the sad fact is 18-20 year olds are notoriously inconsiderate.

Hang in there, I hope you find a good place of balance.

Amber in SJ

  • Like 14

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
55 minutes ago, Amber in SJ said:

I haven't read all of the replies here because just from the first page and the last it seems like things got derailed.  Here is my experience with adult children living in the house.  He does not have a curfew per se, but he is expected to have an understanding of common courtesy.  If he gets out of class at 9:40 pm and decides he is going to go study or hang out it is only common courtesy to text mom or dad so no one thinks he is dead in a ditch.  If he does not text me, I will text him asking if he is dead in a ditch.  Maybe he & whomever he is hanging out with will get a good laugh at his uncool mom.  I don't care.  I am not treating him like a child.  If Dh, who plays hockey late at night, didn't get home when I expected, he would get a text too.  This is one of the consequences of living at home.  If he wasn't living here I wouldn't know when to expect him home & therefore wouldn't worry.  I go to bed at 10:30pm.  If he gets home after 10:30pm he may not make an excessive amount of noise & wake up younger siblings, he may not cook food (but eating something like yogurt or a sandwich is OK,) he may not take a shower.  Plans should have been made for the shower before the middle of the night.  He may not watch TV, play video games, or listen to creepy podcasts without using headphones.  Why do I have so many really specific examples?  Because I have been through this more than once.  Other than expecting to know when he would be home, all of these things are common courtesy things that he would be expected to think about if he lived with a roommate.  You are not infantilizing him by expecting common courtesy.  Each of these things were dealt with one at a time;

"Hey!  I had a hard time falling asleep last night after you came home at midnight and banged around the kitchen......In the future could you take off your shoes?"

As for consequences....That is a tough one.  I am more of a rewarder than a punisher.   And the sad fact is 18-20 year olds are notoriously inconsiderate.

Hang in there, I hope you find a good place of balance.

Amber in SJ

Thank you.  Very helpful. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Amber in SJ said:

I haven't read all of the replies here because just from the first page and the last it seems like things got derailed.  Here is my experience with adult children living in the house.  He does not have a curfew per se, but he is expected to have an understanding of common courtesy.  If he gets out of class at 9:40 pm and decides he is going to go study or hang out it is only common courtesy to text mom or dad so no one thinks he is dead in a ditch.  If he does not text me, I will text him asking if he is dead in a ditch.  Maybe he & whomever he is hanging out with will get a good laugh at his uncool mom.  I don't care.  I am not treating him like a child.  If Dh, who plays hockey late at night, didn't get home when I expected, he would get a text too.  This is one of the consequences of living at home.  If he wasn't living here I wouldn't know when to expect him home & therefore wouldn't worry.  I go to bed at 10:30pm.  If he gets home after 10:30pm he may not make an excessive amount of noise & wake up younger siblings, he may not cook food (but eating something like yogurt or a sandwich is OK,) he may not take a shower.  Plans should have been made for the shower before the middle of the night.  He may not watch TV, play video games, or listen to creepy podcasts without using headphones.  Why do I have so many really specific examples?  Because I have been through this more than once.  Other than expecting to know when he would be home, all of these things are common courtesy things that he would be expected to think about if he lived with a roommate.  You are not infantilizing him by expecting common courtesy.  Each of these things were dealt with one at a time;

"Hey!  I had a hard time falling asleep last night after you came home at midnight and banged around the kitchen......In the future could you take off your shoes?"

As for consequences....That is a tough one.  I am more of a rewarder than a punisher.   And the sad fact is 18-20 year olds are notoriously inconsiderate.

Hang in there, I hope you find a good place of balance.

Amber in SJ

 

This to me sounds very reasonable.  

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On ‎4‎/‎2‎/‎2019 at 7:52 PM, Catwoman said:

 

Thank you. I appreciate that. 

 

I have NEVER said that your life was poor or pathetic. I have NEVER judged you in that way. Maybe that’s how you secretly feel about your life, but I have NEVER judged you based on your financial status.  Why would it matter? Why would I care? You are the one who keeps judging me so negatively, and it’s not only offensive, but it’s also getting ridiculous. It’s like you keep looking for excuses to keep trotting out your same, tired “wealth and privilege” remarks and intimations to try to discount everything I say.

Seriously Scarlett, this thread was about whether a 19yo should have an 11:00 curfew. You are the one who is turning it into judging other people based on their perceived “wealth and privilege.” What’s up with that? I can’t figure out why money would have the slightest thing to do with whether or not the women on this forum would impose a curfew on their adult children. 

 

neither can I - and I've been broke for prolonged periods.   I've been below poverty level broke as a parent with children.  and I've been comfortable.    I have associated irl with those who are qualified as accredited investors  - and those on welfare and living in section 8 housing.   I didn't impose a curfew on my kids - even if I didn't sleep when they were out/up.  I had enough respect for my adult kids to not treat them like a child who needs to be micromanaged.   

when I see how these threads devolve, I keep thinking of something Miss Manners wrote - so many years ago... "there is nothing like the snobbery of those who aspire to the lower classes."  (I say this because I see this attitude continually rearing it's ugly head.  I've seen it on many threads.)

 

  • Like 9

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, Amber in SJ said:

I haven't read all of the replies here because just from the first page and the last it seems like things got derailed.  Here is my experience with adult children living in the house.  He does not have a curfew per se, but he is expected to have an understanding of common courtesy.  If he gets out of class at 9:40 pm and decides he is going to go study or hang out it is only common courtesy to text mom or dad so no one thinks he is dead in a ditch.  If he does not text me, I will text him asking if he is dead in a ditch.  Maybe he & whomever he is hanging out with will get a good laugh at his uncool mom.  I don't care.  I am not treating him like a child.  If Dh, who plays hockey late at night, didn't get home when I expected, he would get a text too.  This is one of the consequences of living at home.  If he wasn't living here I wouldn't know when to expect him home & therefore wouldn't worry.  I go to bed at 10:30pm.  If he gets home after 10:30pm he may not make an excessive amount of noise & wake up younger siblings, he may not cook food (but eating something like yogurt or a sandwich is OK,) he may not take a shower.  Plans should have been made for the shower before the middle of the night.  He may not watch TV, play video games, or listen to creepy podcasts without using headphones.  Why do I have so many really specific examples?  Because I have been through this more than once.  Other than expecting to know when he would be home, all of these things are common courtesy things that he would be expected to think about if he lived with a roommate.  You are not infantilizing him by expecting common courtesy.  Each of these things were dealt with one at a time;

"Hey!  I had a hard time falling asleep last night after you came home at midnight and banged around the kitchen......In the future could you take off your shoes?"

As for consequences....That is a tough one.  I am more of a rewarder than a punisher.   And the sad fact is 18-20 year olds are notoriously inconsiderate.

Hang in there, I hope you find a good place of balance.

Amber in SJ

I sent emails of this nature to my girls when they were across the country at college.

"polite children will let their parents know they're still alive"...;p

 

  

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

 

 

7 hours ago, hippiemamato3 said:

 

You don't want him to live with his father, but you do want him to get an apartment...why not just have him move in with his dad? 

Scarlett’s son doesn’t like his father.  He doesn’t want to move in with him.  It’s not Scarlett who doesn’t want her son to move in with his father...the son doesn’t want it.  Plus the father is a state away from son’s work and college, so even if son wanted to move in with dad, it wouldn’t work.

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

When people share a house together, adult people, they need to be considerate of each other.

Scarlett, I have the same wake issue that you and OkBud describe. 

It's actually way easier for me to sleep when dd is away at uni, and I haven't got a clue where she is.  

My dd's 'curfew' (not really one, just what we kind of worked out) is that 1 is the absolute latest that works for me, and for her. If she's going to be out later than that, she really needs to sleep over at her girlfriend's house or something. It has not been a problem for us - she doesn't feel like I am treating her like a child, she just knows my weird sleep, lol. When dd is home, I would really rather that it wasn't night after night of 1am either. 

I suck up not sleeping properly till 1 for the sake of family harmony, she sucks up coming home by 1 or sleeping over at a friends for the sake of family harmony. It's not a big deal.

I absoutely do not think it is some infringement on adulthood to let your mom know that you're heading out, and approx what time you'll be home, texting if those plans change. I text my young adults if my plans change, for goodness sake. 

It is very true that if one does not want to compromise with one's family for the sake of family harmony, one needs to move out and have an apartment of one's own 🙂 

I do think 11 is on the early side...I'd at least suck up an 'before midnight, fine' thing on weekends, if it was me.

Ignore the people who think you need psychotherapy for having a body that anticipates time! Some people have never seen real problems if they think that is psychologist worthy.

 

 

  • Like 7

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't have curfews for my young adult sons (18 and 22) when they are home.

When they go out, I go to bed with the expectation that they might stay over at a friend's house. My phone is set to receive their calls, or repeated calls from another phone, so they can contact me if they need to. They are adults.

  • Like 7

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

We do... so far it hasn't been an issue, mostly because where we live, he can't get himself to/from anywhere.  However, once we return stateside, this will become an issue, as oldest is living at home and going to college.  He will have to leave the house pretty early for swim practice Mon-Fri, so any issues will probably self-correct due to that!

In general, we've sat him down and talked about house rules and courtesy.  House rules are about standards for the house (he has younger siblings -- when we first discussed this, I know he thought we were overreacting, and then his younger brother asked some pointed questions -- unprompted -- and proved our point).  Common courtesy is simply, we share the space, take care of yours, help out around the house, and don't make us worry or wake us up.  In practical terms, he cleans up after himself, helps out with the dog, trash, dishes, yard, whatever, texts us if his plans change, or if he's going to be out later than expected (ALWAYS), and doesn't wake us up.  That's the short & sweet edition.  

We've had the big talks about alcohol (he's been able to legally drink here for 3 years), the talks have included mixed-gender parties (never gone to one), NEVER driving, setting limit BEFORE you drink, not drinking in secret, etc., etc.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
21 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Yes I am aware a lot of kids resent their parents.  Do you think parenting and household decisions should be based upon avoiding all resentment?  Because some people resent EVERYTHING and some people resent nothing.

My son is already out and dong his own thing and I don’t know and don’t ask.  

 And no saying he will be home at 6 a.m. would not work for me if he then just randomly showed up earlier because I would still have the expectation of wondering if and when he would show up.   

I don’t think people are understanding that the noise, although irritating at times is not the issue.  It is the waiting and wondering. 

 

I think I am understanding to a point.  If he says he will be in at 6am though, are you wondering and worrying at 4am what is happening?  That is the part I am not quite clear about.

I mean, it is your house, if your rule is an 11pm curfew or you have to move out, then, so be it.  However, I think that may cause more issues between the two of you than you want to have.  And I also think that as our kids mature, WE have changes to make in our expectations and that is hard on US!  It is a huge adjustment.  

So, it may take some tweaking and adjusting on both ends (yours and his) before you work it out.  I think most of us are just saying, you need to adjust too, not just your son.  I am still working on it.   And some of it is dependent on the kid.  My oldest doesn't drive, so he does have to adjust more to our schedule.  I won't pick him up at 2am!  I need sleep!  But if middle son goes out with friends until 2am and is quiet when he comes home and I know who he is with, I am fine with it.  It took a whiule to get there, but.....

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think framing the issue as a "curfew" has a major impact on how it is perceived.  The use of that makes it sound as if it is a parent-imposed rule on a child.  I think framing things as, "we do not want people coming into the house after X; it disturbs our sleep.   I will appreciate your respecting this." comes across very differently.  
One major issue that needs to be address is how will this curfew, rule, request, or whatever it is called, be enforced?   What happens if someone in the family is going to be returning home later than the set time (for whatever reason--working late, studying with classmates, watching a movie with a friend).  Is it simply a situation where no one is supposed to come in between 11pm and 6am to prevent disturbing others.  So, if they are out later they are responsible for finding another place to spend the night?  Or, is there some parent imposed punishment--removing car keys, withholding allowance, etc.?  Or, is it simply a request that you are hoping the child will be respectful enough to adhere to in most cases? If this isn't clear, it simply becomes a power struggle between parent and adult child.

  • Like 2
  • Thanks 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 4/2/2019 at 7:27 PM, OKBud said:

"Time perception" is the phrase if you're interested in this 🙂 

ETA-- I started reading about it when I had ADD people in my life. They have the exact opposite thing: no sense of time passing. So there's a real gulf between us. 

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4830363/

 

But I have both...awesome time perception in some situations...I never have needed an alarm clock; I can simply wake up when I need to or wake up when someone is expected home. For years, my DH worked a wacky second shift. He got off at 2 am but if there was a trauma, he'd stay. My body didn't know there was a trauma, though, and I'd wake up when I expected him.

Other times, I get lost in what I am doing and lose track of time or underestimate how long something will take to do. I have to compensate for those tendencies, by:

setting timers when I am awake

or adding 30 minutes to an ETD

or simply not getting involved in another project when I have to leave or start a different project.

But then again if my brain is super busy (like cooking a multi-course meal) I don't need timers. They make things worse.

So, my conclusion is: depending upon in busy my brain is, is how well my time perception works. 

 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, DawnM said:

 

I think I am understanding to a point.  If he says he will be in at 6am though, are you wondering and worrying at 4am what is happening?  That is the part I am not quite clear about.

I mean, it is your house, if your rule is an 11pm curfew or you have to move out, then, so be it.  However, I think that may cause more issues between the two of you than you want to have.  And I also think that as our kids mature, WE have changes to make in our expectations and that is hard on US!  It is a huge adjustment.  

So, it may take some tweaking and adjusting on both ends (yours and his) before you work it out.  I think most of us are just saying, you need to adjust too, not just your son.  I am still working on it.   And some of it is dependent on the kid.  My oldest doesn't drive, so he does have to adjust more to our schedule.  I won't pick him up at 2am!  I need sleep!  But if middle son goes out with friends until 2am and is quiet when he comes home and I know who he is with, I am fine with it.  It took a whiule to get there, but.....

No.  I am not wondering what is happening.  He is a good kid and not likely to be out doing anything dangerous or horrible. It is just the anticipation.  Is he coming home?  When?  Is that car his?  No.  Oh wait, was the front door opening?  No, just the cat.  

Of course there is the normal mom in me that if I lie there long enough wondering I do start to think, 'what if he has driven off the dyke and is upside down in the water.'  So there is that.  But mostly it is that the anticipation drives me nuts.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Bootsie said:

I think framing the issue as a "curfew" has a major impact on how it is perceived.  The use of that makes it sound as if it is a parent-imposed rule on a child.  I think framing things as, "we do not want people coming into the house after X; it disturbs our sleep.   I will appreciate your respecting this." comes across very differently.  
One major issue that needs to be address is how will this curfew, rule, request, or whatever it is called, be enforced?   What happens if someone in the family is going to be returning home later than the set time (for whatever reason--working late, studying with classmates, watching a movie with a friend).  Is it simply a situation where no one is supposed to come in between 11pm and 6am to prevent disturbing others.  So, if they are out later they are responsible for finding another place to spend the night?  Or, is there some parent imposed punishment--removing car keys, withholding allowance, etc.?  Or, is it simply a request that you are hoping the child will be respectful enough to adhere to in most cases? If this isn't clear, it simply becomes a power struggle between parent and adult child.

Yes I think there is something to this.  I do think it is maybe too late to change the terminology.  Maybe?  I don't know.

I am not going to punish a 19 year old.  To me he is enough of an adult that he should in general, and most times, respect the house rules and be respectful enough in general to not keep me awake.  The consequence if he continues to disrespect our home is that he will need to find another place to live.  And I don't want it to be a big blow up.  Or me 'kicking him out.'  So I found a way, with the help of a few people here who have been through this, to frame it as 'hey I know you are an adult and all, but I need my sleep.  Do you think that is reasonable?  Ok, ty.' 

When I made this thread I was exhausted and upset. You would think I would learn to not post during those times. I asked if those who had young adults in their home had expectations of when they should be home and how did you handle repeat violators of that. It wasn't a JAWM thread.  But nor do I have to agree with all comments to me.    I guess I just needed someone to say, 'hey, it is your house and if you need him home by 11 that is your decision.'  A few did tell me that.  Of course as normal others have to add in that I am unreasonable/unstable/in need of psychological help.  But all is well.  He and I are fine.  

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
50 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

No.  I am not wondering what is happening.  He is a good kid and not likely to be out doing anything dangerous or horrible. It is just the anticipation.  Is he coming home?  When?  Is that car his?  No.  Oh wait, was the front door opening?  No, just the cat.  

Of course there is the normal mom in me that if I lie there long enough wondering I do start to think, 'what if he has driven off the dyke and is upside down in the water.'  So there is that.  But mostly it is that the anticipation drives me nuts.

 

My point is that you will need to find a way to work on that.  That isn't HIS issue.  And it isn't fair to penalize him for your anxiety. 

  • Like 15

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 minutes ago, DawnM said:

 

My point is that you will need to find a way to work on that.  That isn't HIS issue.  And it isn't fair to penalize him for your anxiety. 

I understand that some see it as anxiety.  And that I need to work on it.  I just disagree.  I think it is more reasonable he just be home at an agreed upon time.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ok...I can't read 7 pages of messages.  I scanned part of page 1 and 7.  

No curfews here.  EVERYONE is responsible to be respectful.  Respectful means letting people know when you'll be around and when you won't.  :shrug: When the oldest two were teens, that meant calling/texting by 6:30 and then again "as necessary" (changing locations, people you're with, etc) letting us know what is up.  They now have their own home and don't do that. Well, except the 24yo is here during the week so we do ask him to as I'm planning on him being here for supper unless I know otherwise. 

As for the worrying because he could be upside down in a ditch?  Yeah, I get that.  And that is why they should let us know what's up.  "Hey mom, not gonna be home til closer to midnight." But it isn't their problem if that means we choose to stay up til midnight to make sure they got home.  It might make more sense to set an alarm for midnight to make sure he made it home so you can sleep two hours in between.  You *will* be able to learn to.  I mean, you'd have to if he moved out, right?  I mean, I was anxious when the kids moved out.  I was even more anxious when my daughter ended up living alone 95% of the time.  But I did learn to chill.  It is a choice.  You can do this.  Its not wise to treat him like he is 15 when he is an adult.

But it absolutely makes sense that he has to be respectful.  Each household member lets each other know when they'll be home.  And each is quiet when other family members are sleeping.  If you can't do that, there is a problem.  For an adult, that may mean needing to find other living arrangements.  

But it probably won't come down to that.  Probably, he just needs to be more respectful and you have to let him grow up 🙂

 

  • Like 7

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
38 minutes ago, Pamela H in Texas said:

Ok...I can't read 7 pages of messages.  I scanned part of page 1 and 7.  

No curfews here.  EVERYONE is responsible to be respectful.  Respectful means letting people know when you'll be around and when you won't.  :shrug: When the oldest two were teens, that meant calling/texting by 6:30 and then again "as necessary" (changing locations, people you're with, etc) letting us know what is up.  They now have their own home and don't do that. Well, except the 24yo is here during the week so we do ask him to as I'm planning on him being here for supper unless I know otherwise. 

As for the worrying because he could be upside down in a ditch?  Yeah, I get that.  And that is why they should let us know what's up.  "Hey mom, not gonna be home til closer to midnight." But it isn't their problem if that means we choose to stay up til midnight to make sure they got home.  It might make more sense to set an alarm for midnight to make sure he made it home so you can sleep two hours in between.  You *will* be able to learn to.  I mean, you'd have to if he moved out, right?  I mean, I was anxious when the kids moved out.  I was even more anxious when my daughter ended up living alone 95% of the time.  But I did learn to chill.  It is a choice.  You can do this.  Its not wise to treat him like he is 15 when he is an adult.

But it absolutely makes sense that he has to be respectful.  Each household member lets each other know when they'll be home.  And each is quiet when other family members are sleeping.  If you can't do that, there is a problem.  For an adult, that may mean needing to find other living arrangements.  

But it probably won't come down to that.  Probably, he just needs to be more respectful and you have to let him grow up 🙂

 

It is a long thread.  🙂  But the thing is I don't stay awake worrying or really worry at all when he isn't here.  It is the not knowing when he will come in. The anticipation.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

I understand that some see it as anxiety.  And that I need to work on it.  I just disagree.  I think it is more reasonable he just be home at an agreed upon time.

 

Ok, next time just put a JAWM.  

  • Like 7

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

Yes I think there is something to this.  I do think it is maybe too late to change the terminology.  Maybe?  I don't know.

 

I think you should change the terminology.  

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

I am not going to punish a 19 year old.  To me he is enough of an adult that he should in general, and most times, respect the house rules and be respectful enough in general to not keep me awake.  The consequence if he continues to disrespect our home is that he will need to find another place to live.  And I don't want it to be a big blow up.  Or me 'kicking him out.'  So I found a way, with the help of a few people here who have been through this, to frame it as 'hey I know you are an adult and all, but I need my sleep.  Do you think that is reasonable?  Ok, ty.' 

 

Good. 

 

29 minutes ago, DawnM said:

 

My point is that you will need to find a way to work on that.  That isn't HIS issue.  And it isn't fair to penalize him for your anxiety. 

 

Actually, she doesn’t have to.

 Even if it is her anxiety.  

If he were to want to have a party with numerous friends invited, or want to play music at night even if under the legal decibels for sound permitted in their jurisdiction, it really isn’t equally a young adult’s house to say something like, hey, I’ll be having 100 or even just 10 friends over on Saturday, if you don’t like it, see a shrink.  Or I have the right to play my stereo any time I want to, if you don’t like it or can’t sleep, it’s up to you to soundproof, wear earplugs, or see a shrink.  

The young adult can move to their own digs perhaps an apartment complex where many aspects of young adult living are the norm if such conflicts arise and cannot be worked out to some mutually satisfactory arrangement.  

OTOH, it could also be helpful to all involved  if Scarlett worked on not jumping to “in a ditch” mental images .  But I’m sure she already knows that.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, DawnM said:

 

Ok, next time just put a JAWM.  

Well, when I am looking for JAWM I will do that.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Just now, Scarlett said:

Well, when I am looking for JAWM I will do that.  

 

There is a reason this thread is 7 pages long.....

  • Like 7
  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have a 19yo, sophmore in college. For her, an 11pm "curfew" is unreasonable. Granted, probably a good 5 out of 7 nights she's home by 9:00, but that's only because her current job ends at 8:00. Before that, she wouldn't get home from work until after 11:00. And then there's always the movie/game nights with friends and the long study group nights where everyone is prepping for some major test. 

Fortunately, she also has a great relationship with her boyfriend, and they help keep tabs on each other. They make sure to text each other when they get home to let the other know they got there safely. It helps that they're almost always awake at the same time anyway! It helps me not to worry so much. I wonder, Scarlett, if something like this would help you? If your ds had a friend that they agreed to keep up with, then you could put on some white noise and go to sleep knowing that if your ds doesn't get home, his friend will call/text you that he hasn't heard from him?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
27 minutes ago, Aura said:

I have a 19yo, sophmore in college. For her, an 11pm "curfew" is unreasonable. Granted, probably a good 5 out of 7 nights she's home by 9:00, but that's only because her current job ends at 8:00. Before that, she wouldn't get home from work until after 11:00. And then there's always the movie/game nights with friends and the long study group nights where everyone is prepping for some major test. 

Fortunately, she also has a great relationship with her boyfriend, and they help keep tabs on each other. They make sure to text each other when they get home to let the other know they got there safely. It helps that they're almost always awake at the same time anyway! It helps me not to worry so much. I wonder, Scarlett, if something like this would help you? If your ds had a friend that they agreed to keep up with, then you could put on some white noise and go to sleep knowing that if your ds doesn't get home, his friend will call/text you that he hasn't heard from him?

Again, it isn't that I am worried about him.  It is the not knowing when he will be coming home that is the main problem.  The anticipation.  If I had an arrangement where someone was going to call/text me if they didn't hear from him...I would just be in a constant state of 'waiting' for that call/text.  If he says he will be home by 11 I am fine until 11 and then it is waiting, waiting, waiting. No possible way I could sleep. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

1 hour ago, Aura said:

I have a 19yo, sophmore in college. For her, an 11pm "curfew" is unreasonable. Granted, probably a good 5 out of 7 nights she's home by 9:00, but that's only because her current job ends at 8:00. Before that, she wouldn't get home from work until after 11:00. And then there's always the movie/game nights with friends and the long study group nights where everyone is prepping for some major test. 

Fortunately, she also has a great relationship with her boyfriend, and they help keep tabs on each other. They make sure to text each other when they get home to let the other know they got there safely. It helps that they're almost always awake at the same time anyway! It helps me not to worry so much. I wonder, Scarlett, if something like this would help you? If your ds had a friend that they agreed to keep up with, then you could put on some white noise and go to sleep knowing that if your ds doesn't get home, his friend will call/text you that he hasn't heard from him?

 

I have a feeling it might help more if there were a close friend who had a family that didn’t mind late arrivals or frequent guests where Scarlett’s Ds could text her at ~9pm that he’d be spending the night at the Smith’s .  Then the arrival home anticipation would be over for that night.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
53 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Again, it isn't that I am worried about him.  It is the not knowing when he will be coming home that is the main problem.  The anticipation.  If I had an arrangement where someone was going to call/text me if they didn't hear from him...I would just be in a constant state of 'waiting' for that call/text.  If he says he will be home by 11 I am fine until 11 and then it is waiting, waiting, waiting. No possible way I could sleep. 

I think I get what you are saying. You have no problem with him being gone. You trust him to make good decisions. You also know that when he gets home, because of the construction of the house, there will be inevitable noise that wakes you. There’s no point in trying to sleep until he’s settled in and you’re waiting for him to finish his nightly ablutions so you can all sleep for the night. If he doesn’t get there by the time he’s expected, you’re a little concerned and a little irritated not knowing when he’ll get there so you can finally sleep. Is that close?

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
49 minutes ago, scholastica said:

I think I get what you are saying. You have no problem with him being gone. You trust him to make good decisions. You also know that when he gets home, because of the construction of the house, there will be inevitable noise that wakes you. There’s no point in trying to sleep until he’s settled in and you’re waiting for him to finish his nightly ablutions so you can all sleep for the night. If he doesn’t get there by the time he’s expected, you’re a little concerned and a little irritated not knowing when he’ll get there so you can finally sleep. Is that close?

 

Close.  LOL  But there is a slight nuance that is really difficult to explain.  Let's say I am super tired and crash out at 9.  If he is sleeping at a friend's house (rare by the way) I will sleep fine all night.  But if he is suppose to be home at 11 I will wake up at some point in anticipation of him coming in.  15 minutes til', or 15 min after...either way is very unpleasant because if it is 15 til then I can't sleep until he comes in...if it is 15 after I am instantly irritated because he is late and then I begin the task of deciding when to text, or call, and wondering why he hasn't. 

And don't even get me started on how I felt when it was 3 a.m. and I woke up.  It was the weekend, so he was suppose to be home at midnight--both boys were actually together that night.  And I had a text from 2:00 a.m from son's girlfriend's mom asking if I had heard from them.  Grrrr. 

Edited by Scarlett
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
24 minutes ago, cave canem said:

I thought that "nothing good ever happens after midnight" was wisdom passed down from the ancients.

 

I've heard different variations of that.  2am in NYC, and apparently 11 in the South...

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, Katy said:

I've heard different variations of that.  2am in NYC, and apparently 11 in the South...

Midnight is in the middle and has a nice, concise ring to it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
22 minutes ago, Katy said:

 

I've heard different variations of that.  2am in NYC, and apparently 11 in the South...

11 in the south but only during the week.  LOL.  On the weekend things happening  between 11 and 12 are acceptable.

  • Haha 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 4/3/2019 at 11:40 PM, Garga said:

 

 

 

Scarlett’s son doesn’t like his father.  He doesn’t want to move in with him.  It’s not Scarlett who doesn’t want her son to move in with his father...the son doesn’t want it.  Plus the father is a state away from son’s work and college, so even if son wanted to move in with dad, it wouldn’t work.

I missed this post last week.  And yes you are correct.  It isn’t about what I want....But I don’t want him to go live with his father. I prefer he stay here.  But beyond what I want, ds doesn’t want that.  If he did he would have went last year when he graduated.   And yes, it is several hours away in a different state so it is not an easy switch even if ds wanted to.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 4/4/2019 at 12:36 AM, StellaM said:

When people share a house together, adult people, they need to be considerate of each other.

Scarlett, I have the same wake issue that you and OkBud describe. 

It's actually way easier for me to sleep when dd is away at uni, and I haven't got a clue where she is.  

My dd's 'curfew' (not really one, just what we kind of worked out) is that 1 is the absolute latest that works for me, and for her. If she's going to be out later than that, she really needs to sleep over at her girlfriend's house or something. It has not been a problem for us - she doesn't feel like I am treating her like a child, she just knows my weird sleep, lol. When dd is home, I would really rather that it wasn't night after night of 1am either. 

I suck up not sleeping properly till 1 for the sake of family harmony, she sucks up coming home by 1 or sleeping over at a friends for the sake of family harmony. It's not a big deal.

I absoutely do not think it is some infringement on adulthood to let your mom know that you're heading out, and approx what time you'll be home, texting if those plans change. I text my young adults if my plans change, for goodness sake. 

It is very true that if one does not want to compromise with one's family for the sake of family harmony, one needs to move out and have an apartment of one's own 🙂 

I do think 11 is on the early side...I'd at least suck up an 'before midnight, fine' thing on weekends, if it was me.

Ignore the people who think you need psychotherapy for having a body that anticipates time! Some people have never seen real problems if they think that is psychologist worthy.

 

 

I missed this one last week as well.  Thank you for your support.  11 is the Sunday through Thursday curfew.  Friday and saturdays and holidays is midnight.  And neither is hard and fast as long as we have some conversation and consideration. 

When your dd comes in at 1.....what time are you getting p the next morning?  We get up at 6:30 or 6 here.  

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 4/2/2019 at 9:19 PM, Catwoman said:

 

What I meant was that the details don’t matter. I remember back when you were so scared that you’re now-ex-dh was cheating on you. I was really worried about you. It didn’t matter that our lifestyles were different. And when you were so nice back when my dh was sick, things like money never mattered then, either. 

I’m not sure where we went wrong. It would be nice to start over. I don’t like fighting with you. It seems so petty and stupid. (I mean the arguing seems petty and stupid — not that you are!)

Cat, I would like to apologize for my harshness with you last week.  Whether you can relate to my life or not it was unkind of me to lash out at you.  

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
7 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I missed this one last week as well.  Thank you for your support.  11 is the Sunday through Thursday curfew.  Friday and saturdays and holidays is midnight.  And neither is hard and fast as long as we have some conversation and consideration. 

When your dd comes in at 1.....what time are you getting p the next morning?  We get up at 6:30 or 6 here.  

 

 

The days I have to get up at 6 I ask her not to come home late.

Fri/Sat I can sleep till 7.30. I do OK with dozing till 1, then a proper sleep for 6 hours.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
52 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Cat, I would like to apologize for my harshness with you last week.  Whether you can relate to my life or not it was unkind of me to lash out at you.  

 

I’m all in favor of forgetting any of it ever happened and starting fresh. 🙂

Hopefully, we can go forward with the assumption that even though we may lead very different lives, we both mean well and have good intentions.

I hope that’s okay with you. 

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
52 minutes ago, StellaM said:

 

The days I have to get up at 6 I ask her not to come home late.

Fri/Sat I can sleep till 7.30. I do OK with dozing till 1, then a proper sleep for 6 hours.

 

I think part of my reaction to this issue and this thread is based on reading about research that shows that many people in modern civilization (USA, Canada, Australia, England, France...  ) do not get adequate sleep either in amount, quality, nor consistency ...  and even if they think they are alert and sharp after inadequate sleep they are not.  With consequences for health and safety affecting others too similar to alcohol impairment affecting others, not just the drunk person.  

I think 6 hours is no longer considered “proper” .  

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×
×
  • Create New...