need a new perspective

[Ottakee]

As to the meds don't help anything long term idea.....well, neither do glasses.  But if you wear the glasses you can see better and function better.  That goes away when you take them off, but the day to day difference in ability to function is amazing when you wear the glasses you need to see clearly.

I liken meds to that.  No, they won't cure anything long term, but they can make a huge difference in day to day functioning.

Edited March 22, 2019 by Ottakee

[Pen]

3 minutes ago, Ottakee said:

As to the meds don't help anything long term idea.....well, neither do glasses.  But if you wear the glasses you can see better and function better.  That goes away when you take them off, but the day to day difference in ability to function is amazing when you wear the glasses you need to see clearly.

I liken meds to that.  No, they won't cure anything long term, but they can make a huge difference in day to day functioning.

 

Also it can be that glasses will help prevent falling and breaking a bone, or having a car accident, or mistaking a bottle of something poisonous for the mouthwash...

and medicines for behavior control may help prevent other problems as well, such as accidental injuries from adhd behavior 

[freesia]

And I thought the problem with the long term studies was that they didn’t monitor whether the teens were actually consistently taking the meds. Irl I have only seen good come from meds and only know parents who wish they’d done it earlier. I also see families who are trying to avoid meds but who are stressed, their kids think they are stupid, the parents are stressed and struggle with wondering why the kids just can’t get it ( even though they know why.) anyway, I think folks have pointed out that your dh isn’t their only parent and unless he’s way upped how much he is involved, I think you have a greater say in whether you do evals. 

[Susan in TX]

Please do not judge yourself based on your children not obeying the first time. This is an unrealistic expectation. The only people I know who have achieved this with their children have done so at great cost. My children do not obey the first time. And from what I have seen, I do not want children who do. I do not want to discipline to the point of abuse to achieve that goal. I do not want my children to be afraid of me.  I want them to grow up and not be afraid to question authority. My children are children, not robots. I do not have perfectly behaved children. That does not mean I have failed as a mother. I have not failed because my children are people. I care more about them as persons and about my relationship with them than I care about some unreachable standard of parenting.

Susan in TX

[KathyBC]

Some reading I did years ago suggested the reason meds aren't used long-term is because adults have acquired some coping skills and could function more successfully as they matured. And ADHD tends towards later maturity than NT. I will say that having an undiagnosed, unmedicated teen boy learning to drive, manage girls, roommates, living on his own.... well, I wish I had pursued a diagnosis when he was younger. I tried a couple of times, met some resistance from the medical community (oh, you homeschool? You obviously just worry about your kids too much) and gave up. He has now self-diagnosed and we both wish I had persisted, though he is pursuing his own coping skills and doing fairly well at it.

[PeterPan]

Fwiw, there's a lot of room there where you can have some authority and still have collaboration that still helps the kid retain his power and choose to get there. I've tried to imagine if the op has 6 of my ds, and frankly that would be scary and really hard to deal with. I imagine she probably has at least 3, just my guess, and it's really no laughing matter. There's no amount of "nice" that gets them there. Even the ABA workers who wanted to come in and think their permissiveness would get him to comply eventually were screwed in the head. All they did was leave a vacuum that made it worse. But it's possible to have authority and give them power that helps them choose to comply. It's possible to retain your authority in the face of non-compliance. It's just really hard. 

With my ds, hop-level obedience like people used to talk about in the old days (Ted Tripp, all the voices you hear) just isn't happening. His neurology is so prone to go to extremes that it just isn't his reality. But when we lower his stress and give him time to transition, we can get him onboard and get a level of habit of compliance, some momentum. I think that momentum, like just feeling like the ball was rolling in the right direction even, would feel really good to the op right now. For me, with my ds, it takes a lot of energy to get there. If I'm not fresh, either because I've been at it too many hours or I'm discouraged or I read something that made me have cockamamie extreme/unrealistic ideas or whatever, i'm not ready. 

But whatever. I don't know op's kids. I'm just saying there's a lot of middle of the road there. That police officer training isn't such a bad thing. They're training police now in de-escalating situations. It's actually the right mindset to have, if she can get back to that.

Edited March 22, 2019 by PeterPan

[PeterPan]

3 minutes ago, KathyBC said:

learning to drive

Yup, that was one of the things that pushed us. Someone here on the boards posted the stats on unmedicated drivers, and they are AWFUL.

[Storygirl]

6 hours ago, caedmyn said:

DH is not interested in evaluations.  Research seems to show that meds make a difference short term, but not long term, so idk if I'd choose them anyway (and DH never would). 

 

I don't know if anecdotal evidence is meaningful, but DS14 has been on meds for ADHD for five years now, and they are still effective for him.

Five (plus) years can help you get through a good chunk of childhood.

I'm sorry your husband won't consider them. They have been life changing here. I'm not kidding.

[BlsdMama]

You get 10 points from me just for noticing their posture.  I'm not sure I know how to tell if my kids have decent posture?


You're getting all the old rough edges worn off for sure - I'm not sure it's bad to have our expectations for us broken down.  If you're at all like me, you had pie in the sky plans and were willing to put in the work it took to get there.  But, in that exhausting merry go round of effort and humanness, you're burnt.  Six kids, four dyslexics?  That's no easy feat.  ((Hugs))  Feel free to PM me any time you feel like hashing it out and needing a hug.

[maize]

It seems to me that neurotypical parents who wind up with non neurotypical kids always struggle with finding their feet in this strange world. I was a non compliant ADHD probably dyslexic kid myself so those things in my own kids seemed normal; my husband was a compliant kid and has a harder time understanding our kids who never seem to even register what they are being told to do. We've had variations on this conversation many times: 

Dh: "I never did that as a kid!"

Me: "I did. Sorry they got my genes."

😄

[ktgrok]

Meds for ADHD mean I don't feel like  failure. 

Which makes me wonder, OP, have YOU explored if you have ADHD yourself? If you do, it makes it that much harder to be consistent with the kids, to avoid yelling, etc etc. It can look VERY different in women than in boys. Worth exploring for sure! 

I often wonder what my life would have been like if I'd had meds before my 40s. Like, I'm sure I would have finished college. I would not have such social anxiety. I would have not internalized the idea that I'm incapable of meeting deadlines or keeping things organized. It would have changed my view of myself as a person. Something to consider. 

Also, as others have said, redefine success. And realize it is a long game, a marathon not a sprint. When my son was young I thought he'd likely end up in jail or something. Now, he's great most of the time. (although if he forgets his meds I can tell...he starts picking fights). 

[Mimm]

I feel like a failure a lot too. Even when only one of your children is especially challenging, it's amazing how much you can blame yourself, wonder what you should have done differently. It's a daily effort to let myself off the hook. To realize that even if I did make mistakes, I've been a loving, hard working, conscientious mother her whole life. And I'm sure you are too.