need a new perspective

[caedmyn]

I feel like I'm failing as a mother.  I've felt this way since my 10 yo, who was basically the baby from hell, was born.  I used to believe that if you ate a good whole foods diet, your kids would be really healthy.  6 kids with food intolerances and tongue ties and super crowded teeth later, I don't believe that anymore.  I've read a lot about how TV watching, shoes, and too much indoor time contributes to poor posture.  So my kids went barefoot and played outdoors all day...and they all have absolutely horrible posture, far worse than most of their same-age peers.  I think kids should generally listen and do what they're told/asked the first time, at least most of the time.  l know this is attanable as I have several friends whose kids are generally well-behaved and listen well.  I have given up on this with my own kids--it is never going to happen no matter what I do.  I have a couple of kids who physically fight each other on a daily basis, one who lies like he breathes basically...I could go on and on but basically they just don't behave and none of my (many) attempts to teach them to behave accomplishes anything.  And that's not even counting 4 kids (so far) with dyslexia.  I am tired of feeling like a failure as a mom because nothing I try works.  No matter how much we work on something it doesn't seem to make any difference.  I've concluded that parenting is largely an exercise in futility.  It really stinks to have a job where you never succeed and you can't quit.  Our marriage counselor said I need to lower my expectations.  l don't think that's the problem.  My expectations are very low at this point.  Idk...just tired of feeling like a failure.

 

Edited March 20, 2019 by caedmyn

[Tanaqui]

You have six kids, four of whom have learning disabilities. You're not a failure! That's hard work!

Of course, my saying so can't help enough, but it's true. You're doing a harder job than most parents.

Edited March 20, 2019 by Tanaqui

[Farrar]

Before I became a teacher, I thought you could form your kids. That people who were "good" parents mostly got "good" kids. Teaching and getting to know families in that professional context dispelled that myth for me, for which I'm very grateful. Our kids are not clay that we shape. They are their own people and we're just here to guide them.

It also helps me know that what you see of other families is only the tip of the iceberg. People are always telling me how polite and perfect and amazing my kids are. And it's like, what. My kids? Because our kids bring their worst to us. And they do this because they know we love them and it's safe to do so.

Edited March 20, 2019 by Farrar

[SKL]

I can sympathize with the feeling and have been there at times.  I put so much into being a good parent, only to have kids who defy every reasonable expectation / prediction.  If only I'd known then what I know now.

I agree with what Farrar said.  Our kids are pretty much who they are at birth.  And while others may judge us, we need to fight the urge to judge ourselves for what we didn't cause.  Just keep doing what you think is right, but don't be too attached to the outcome.

Do you maybe need a break from your kids?  Can you give them spring break and do your own thing for a little while?

[scholastica]

I'm sorry you're feeling like a failure. You are not a failure. Some kids are just hard!! You have a lot on your plate, and, from what your wrote, I think you are doing a heroic job. I believe there's a lot more nature than nurture in kids.

One thing stood out to me in your post. " I think kids should generally listen and do what they're told/asked the first time, at least most of the time." Why do you think this? Were you this type of child? Did you generally listen and do what you were told and asked first time as a child? Genuine question. If you did, your parents were very lucky they had you. I do think that is common among firstborns, but not even always then. If not, why not and why would you expect your own dc to be different? Next question, was your husband like that as a child? Is your husband like that now? A general rule follower? Are you? Our children can inherit some of our personality traits, just like eye color and hair color. So, they can inherit that tendency to follow rules and obey or not. Plus, they see how we interact with the world. The Charlotte Mason quote "A child is a person." is very apt in many situations. While, it does mean they are deserving of our respect and love because they are people, it also means they come with their own ideas, thoughts, feelings and desires. This applies to whether they want to brush their teeth and clean their room as much as it does to the fact that they randomly think to give you a hug. They don't see the world as you do just because you say so. 

Last question, does your dh treat you with respect and vice versa? Your dc will see if you do or don't and that can influence whether they see you two as worthy of respect. Just some things to think about. 

 

[kbutton]

1 hour ago, StellaM said:

Finally, do you ever get to hear that you are doing a steadfast job ? Mothering is often thankless, and it shouldn't be. And frankly, you are doing it harder than many. You need thanks for your role! I mean, look at you, you are down but here asking for ways to shift your own perspective - you are steadfast, honey. Four kids with dyslexia ? I'm gonna give you a medal.  I don't really care if your kids are a mess, you keep going...you deserve recognition for that.

Yep!

Kids with issues require an enormous amount of effort to not be a hot mess all the time. Mine are a hot mess a lot of the time, but they are growing, changing, and maturing. You are not at a pleasant age for your older two, and then you have littles! That's a LOT of crazy without issues, so please be kind to yourself.

And...are you sure there is no ADHD as well? It's a huge overlap with dyslexia.

I have no daughters, but I hear from so many people that late middle school is really hard with girls. My personal opinion is that boys (at least 2e boys) are most difficult from 9-11.5 or 12. I seem to hear from others that I am correct, and a teacher acquaintance who has taught that whole age range echoes those ages/patterns.

It's super hard to be consistent day in and day out. Hang in there.

[Storygirl]

I can empathize, cadmyn.

On the first time obedience thing....I don't know about the OP, but I learned this expectation from reading parenting books and going to parenting classes at my church. It is presented as biblical, so as a committed Christian who wanted to be the best possible parent, I absorbed the message. However, my children did NOT. And I have felt a lot of discouragement from that, too.

And discouragement from teaching them the same things over and over and over again. And then over and over again. For years and years and years. Because they don't learn it. Sigh.

I was deep in discouragement and probably depression, and it helped me when I stopped homeschooling. I just needed some breathing room from all of the constant struggle and the continual bad feelings that I was having. I had also become isolated from friends, because when I had four very young children, I just couldn't reach out to others; I was so exhausted. And my friends fell off the radar. So my world kind of diminished to being all about homeschooling (also kids with LDs) and parenting, and those things were so, so hard, and my outlook was bleak.

My kids have been in school now for four years. I'm still working on pulling out of it and reforming friendships and figuring out what to do with myself that does not revolve solely around parenting.

I think one of the things that hit me hard is that I had the life I had always wanted. I had always, always dreamed of being a stay at home mom. It was crushing to feel like I was failing at the one thing that I had so longed to do. I thought I was made for being a mother. And I felt that I was unable to do it well.

I don't have answers for you, because I had to give up homeschooling in order to keep from sinking personally. I guess I would say that it might help to find some way to have some kind of happiness or fulfillment outside of your family obligations. And I realize how easy that is to say and how hard it is to do when you have so many children. But it might help a little.

I also think that you are likely doing better than it feels. Even when you fall short (we all do), you are a blessing to your children, and in the long run, it will be okay.

It just seems like a very, very long run much of the time.

[gardenmom5]

hugs.   I have five - four adults.  my girls - were easy, and highly accomplished.  my boys.. were generally good, had their struggles (LDs, health), didn't know what they wanted to do.  eventually figured things out.

 

dudeling (LD, capd, asd, add)...excels at making me feel like a total failure.  when he was little - multiple times a day. (and it angered me when some sanctimonious parent of NT children would tell me what I needed to do to parent him.)   I'm doing better, now it's only a few times a week.  this is despite how my older kids turned out.

 

you feel this way because you care.  it's a manifestation of your frustration when you don't know the answer of how to help them - please recognize you feel this way *because you ARE trying*.    know that you do get points for sincerely trying.

--- and there are days, as frustrated and helpless as I've felt - I've been really glad I had him, and not one of those sanctimonious NT parents... (I wouldn't trust them with him.)

[gardenmom5]

one more thing.  something I picked up from observations of others family dynamics when I was much younger. (and long before dudeling)

there are three types of children.

those who will generally turn out well, regardless of their childhood circumstances.

those who are affected by family circumstances and home life - and nurture influences how they turn out.  (I think this is the largest group).

and then there are those...

                                  who will give the absolute best parents in the world a run for their money.

many people who've never had/known/been related to a child from that third category often don't even realize it exists.  they think all children are in #2. (they'll also attribute any of their children in #1 turning out so well because "they're such awesome parents"...)

I recall once reading the experience of a man who used to think that (all children are in #2) - until he had the epiphany, that there was a third category and none of his kids were in it. (so he needed to be more understanding of, and compassionate towards, those parents who had children from that third category.)

[rebcoola]

I have come to really respect nature as a huge part of each child.  I remember 1 day at gymnastics practice a new mom lamenting her daughters behavior.  She commented on how well behaved oldest was and asked my secret.  I said  no secret just luck that one sitting out for breaking the safety rules and hanging from the pit bar is her sister.  Same mom different kids that's who they have always been.

[caedmyn]

2 hours ago, kbutton said:

 

And...are you sure there is no ADHD as well? It's a huge overlap with dyslexia.

I have no daughters, but I hear from so many people that late middle school is really hard with girls. My personal opinion is that boys (at least 2e boys) are most difficult from 9-11.5 or 12. I seem to hear from others that I am correct, and a teacher acquaintance who has taught that whole age range echoes those ages/patterns.

It's super hard to be consistent day in and day out. Hang in there.

3 of the 4 older ones would probably qualify for an ADHD diagnosis.  Thankfully DD is not displaying the typical teenage behavior (yet?). She has some angst about fitting in and not being talented at anything but has very little attitude and is reasonably pleasant to be around.  If only she could focus and stay on track and remember what she was asked to do...

[Ottakee]

26 minutes ago, caedmyn said:

3 of the 4 older ones would probably qualify for an ADHD diagnosis.  Thankfully DD is not displaying the typical teenage behavior (yet?). She has some angst about fitting in and not being talented at anything but has very little attitude and is reasonably pleasant to be around.  If only she could focus and stay on track and remember what she was asked to do...

Have you considered evals and possibly medication for them?  I am not for racing to medication but it was AMAZING how adding medication made ME a much better parent......even my child commented to the doctor about a month after starting meds on how much better of a mother I had been lately.  It seriously can make a huge difference for them, for you, for sibling relationships, family dynamics, and even learning.

[KathyBC]

I've been in that dark space. It is hard. Keep going.
Lowering your expectations of your outcomes sounds like sanity - the kids are ultimately responsible for how they turn out. You keep doing the very best parenting you can under the circumstances you have. Hold up your end. Pray like mad for them to to come around on their end.
It is such a long time to work at something you are so invested in with little or no reward or overt appreciation. Do what you can to keep yourself sane and healthy.

[Pen]

Perspective change: they are unique beings only partly to be influenced by what you do.

I don’t believe we have zero influence.  But surely (other than heritable tendency) we don’t cause dyslexia etc.  

And possibly things would have been worse had you not done the positive things you did.  

———-

Are you doing things for yourself to lighten and brighten your own mood ?  That might be one of best things you can do for you and them both. 

 

———-

out of curiosity, have any of your children been mouth breathers?  

[caedmyn]

1 hour ago, Pen said:

 

out of curiosity, have any of your children been mouth breathers?  

All of them are mouth breathers.

[Tanaqui]

StellaM, when you're right, you're right - mental health issues in a whole family of children is not a coincidence. However, unless you're actually abusive or something traumatic happened to all of them I'm going to say that the not-a-coincidence part is probably genetics. Which you probably know intellectually even if it's hard to feel it inside.

Caedmyn, if you think your kids probably qualify for an ADHD diagnosis, is there a reason you haven't pursued it? (And if they're all "mouth breathers" is it possible that they're chronically congested, have sleep apnea, and are tired all the time? The effect of disrupted sleep can look an awful lot like ADHD in children, and I don't even want to imagine how it looks if your child has disrupted sleep AND is also, coincidentally, ADHD. It's not fair that unrested children should get hyper and inattentive rather than look sleepy and droopy all the time, but there it is.)

Edited March 21, 2019 by Tanaqui

[Pen]

47 minutes ago, caedmyn said:

All of them are mouth breathers.

 

There are connections between mouth breathing and other problems.   Dental, but some other too. 

I learned of this in trying to find out about connection between small airways and other health problems...  there seems to be complicated interconnection, and aspects that may play into mood issues as well

 

I’m trying to find a link to send that could explain without causing further distress.  And am Having a little trouble.  

 

 

This you tube video is very short and has cartoony drawings so probably quite tolerable (though not hugely informative):

 

Lower down is one with some actual photos — perhaps helped to be less distressing than other things I saw by somewhat grainy pictures.  Warning though of some graphic images that you might want to avoid when already feeling discouraged.  

To tell, since words may be less distressing than images, There was an experiment done (maybe more than one) on baby monkeys —stopping up their noses so they had to mouth breathe.  I’ve seen even more sad pictures of what happened than on this video. Anyway the monkeys ended up with mouth deformity, crowded teeth, etc.    And people who mouth breathe a lot apparently often do too.

For something to do about it especially if they are still young, possibly look at, and possibly have them look at, “Mewing” (named for orthodontist Mike Mew) technique videos.  

 

 

[Pen]

7 hours ago, scholastica said:

One thing stood out to me in your post. " I think kids should generally listen and do what they're told/asked the first time, at least most of the time." Why do you think this? Were you this type of child? Did you generally listen and do what you were told and asked first time as a child?

 

This gave me a good chuckle before going to bed.  I think many of us have this expectation to some degree as parents at some level even if we know it’s unrealistic! 

[Ausmumof3]

11 hours ago, caedmyn said:

I feel like I'm failing as a mother.  I've felt this way since my 10 yo, who was basically the baby from hell, was born.  I used to believe that if you ate a good whole foods diet, your kids would be really healthy.  6 kids with food intolerances and tongue ties and super crowded teeth later, I don't believe that anymore.  I've read a lot about how TV watching, shoes, and too much indoor time contributes to poor posture.  So my kids went barefoot and played outdoors all day...and they all have absolutely horrible posture, far worse than most of their same-age peers.  I think kids should generally listen and do what they're told/asked the first time, at least most of the time.  l know this is attanable as I have several friends whose kids are generally well-behaved and listen well.  I have given up on this with my own kids--it is never going to happen no matter what I do.  I have a couple of kids who physically fight each other on a daily basis, one who lies like he breathes basically...I could go on and on but basically they just don't behave and none of my (many) attempts to teach them to behave accomplishes anything.  And that's not even counting 4 kids (so far) with dyslexia.  I am tired of feeling like a failure as a mom because nothing I try works.  No matter how much we work on something it doesn't seem to make any difference.  I've concluded that parenting is largely an exercise in futility.  It really stinks to have a job where you never succeed and you can't quit.  Our marriage counselor said I need to lower my expectations.  l don't think that's the problem.  My expectations are very low at this point.  Idk...just tired of feeling like a failure.

 

Keeping six kids alive fed and clothed is not small feat!  I’m sure if you look at your kids individually there are good things about each one and some of them probably come from you!  The thing with bringing kids up is if you hold them up to an ideal child they are always going to fall short but if you look at the things they couldn’t do two years ago and can now the progress is pretty amazing.

i do think you seem to have a pattern of these kind of feelings and it might be helpful to you to have more outside help with your kids in some way and prioritise self care for yourself when you can.

[Ausmumof3]

8 hours ago, Storygirl said:

I can empathize, cadmyn.

On the first time obedience thing....I don't know about the OP, but I learned this expectation from reading parenting books and going to parenting classes at my church. It is presented as biblical, so as a committed Christian who wanted to be the best possible parent, I absorbed the message. However, my children did NOT. And I have felt a lot of discouragement from that, too.

And discouragement from teaching them the same things over and over and over again. And then over and over again. For years and years and years. Because they don't learn it. Sigh.

I was deep in discouragement and probably depression, and it helped me when I stopped homeschooling. I just needed some breathing room from all of the constant struggle and the continual bad feelings that I was having. I had also become isolated from friends, because when I had four very young children, I just couldn't reach out to others; I was so exhausted. And my friends fell off the radar. So my world kind of diminished to being all about homeschooling (also kids with LDs) and parenting, and those things were so, so hard, and my outlook was bleak.

My kids have been in school now for four years. I'm still working on pulling out of it and reforming friendships and figuring out what to do with myself that does not revolve solely around parenting.

I think one of the things that hit me hard is that I had the life I had always wanted. I had always, always dreamed of being a stay at home mom. It was crushing to feel like I was failing at the one thing that I had so longed to do. I thought I was made for being a mother. And I felt that I was unable to do it well.

I don't have answers for you, because I had to give up homeschooling in order to keep from sinking personally. I guess I would say that it might help to find some way to have some kind of happiness or fulfillment outside of your family obligations. And I realize how easy that is to say and how hard it is to do when you have so many children. But it might help a little.

I also think that you are likely doing better than it feels. Even when you fall short (we all do), you are a blessing to your children, and in the long run, it will be okay.

It just seems like a very, very long run much of the time.

When I think about this Christian thing I wonder why it’s a thing?  I mean in our belief system Jesus has to die because we humans aren’t great with obedience.  And while the bible tells children to obey their parents it never tells parents to force their children into obedience!  Actually it says don’t provoke them to wrath.

[Ausmumof3]

2 hours ago, Pen said:

 

There are connections between mouth breathing and other problems.   Dental, but some other too. 

I learned of this in trying to find out about connection between small airways and other health problems...  there seems to be complicated interconnection, and aspects that may play into mood issues as well

 

I’m trying to find a link to send that could explain without causing further distress.  And am Having a little trouble.  

 

 

This you tube video is very short and has cartoony drawings so probably quite tolerable (though not hugely informative):

 

Lower down is one with some actual photos — perhaps helped to be less distressing than other things I saw by somewhat grainy pictures.  Warning though of some graphic images that you might want to avoid when already feeling discouraged.  

To tell, since words may be less distressing than images, There was an experiment done (maybe more than one) on baby monkeys —stopping up their noses so they had to mouth breathe.  I’ve seen even more sad pictures of what happened than on this video. Anyway the monkeys ended up with mouth deformity, crowded teeth, etc.    And people who mouth breathe a lot apparently often do too.

For something to do about it especially if they are still young, possibly look at, and possibly have them look at, “Mewing” (named for orthodontist Mike Mew) technique videos.  

 

 

My ds has major dental issues and I believe they are related to his allergies.  We haven’t been able to find anything that reliably and consistently keeps them in check it’s an ongoing trial and error thing each year.

[IvyInFlorida]

14 hours ago, caedmyn said:

  I am tired of feeling like a failure as a mom because nothing I try works.  No matter how much we work on something it doesn't seem to make any difference.  I've concluded that parenting is largely an exercise in futility.  It really stinks to have a job where you never succeed and you can't quit.  Our marriage counselor said I need to lower my expectations.  l don't think that's the problem.  My expectations are very low at this point.  Idk...just tired of feeling like a failure.

 

 

I had to comment because I feel exactly like this on a daily basis.  I get emotional sometimes when I hear/read women talking about how much they enjoy being a mother.  I wanted to enjoy motherhood.  I wanted to be a mom so much that I invested huge amounts of effort and money into adopting.  My older son has dyslexia* as well, plus ADHD and mild ASD.  My younger son has no diagnoses--the evaluator he saw says he's not sure in he's just extremely smart, ASD, or has a mood disorder.  All I know is that he's utterly exhausting.  My older son has become a lot more pleasant since beginning ADHD meds a couple years ago, but still has an extremely grating personality.  I told my husband last night that it is beyond difficult to constantly pour everything of yourself into these little people who really would rather me just leave them alone except for when they want me to provide a service for them.  I have basically come to understand that, while I am definitely a low-energy, flawed parent, I didn't DO this to them.   In fact, when I am able to think clearly, I can't even imagine how things would be for them if I didn't, all day, every day, teach them coping skills and try to take off some of the rough edges.

I tried to talk to my mom about some of this stuff before, and while she tries to sympathize, I'm pretty sure inside she thinks it's like some selfishness problem on my end that makes it difficult for me to enjoy being a mom.  But I'm an only child and was an easy, pleasant kid to raise.  I think only other moms in this situation can really get it.  I mean, I have a hard time right now looking at their baby pictures, because that was such a wonderful time and the present time is so hard.

I don't know why some situations are like this and I don't have any advice.  I do know that I love my kids and it's clear you do too.  We're both doing our best, even though it looks so much different than the best we had imagined.  The only thing I can offer is that I think it's good to go through a period of grieving over the loss of what you thought things would be like, and then move on to find a happy place between being the parent they need and also caring for yourself.  I think I'm at the tail end of the grieving part and moving into accepting the realistic day-to-day grind of doing what I can to shape them...which might not be very much.  Hopefully by the time son 1 is 18, he will be gainfully employed and will be able to make it through a meal without using his hands as a scoop to shovel rice into his mouth.  And hopefully son 2 will be able to handle frustrations without turning into The Hulk.  We shall see!

*I don't think most people realize how very many parts of regular functioning are impacted by dyslexia.  I had no idea before my son.  Dyslexic brains are wired so much differently, in the same way that ADHD brains are, or ASD.  A lot of people think it's just reading trouble.  But it really has an impact on soooo many areas of life.

[MysteryJen]

OP,  lots of hugs to you. I think most mothers have felt like failures over and over again. And the more kids you have... well, it is just more opportunity for failure. 

The hardest thing is to separate yourself from your kids. Their triumphs are theirs and their struggles are theirs as well. You help and worry and love, but you cannot FIX. 

The hardest school days were teaching my ds2 and dd2 to read and write. Horrible, constant failure. I would wake up in the middle of the night. It seemed we would never, ever emerge from the slog. But- we did. They still have their struggles, but they always will. And accepting that, helped me step back. As well as keeping a different set of standards in my head for each kid.  I have straight A students and B students and students who really, really couldn't care less. If I held them all to the same standard, I would be a mess.

And kids' personalities- sigh. Some fit with you and some don't. I love all my kids- but some are exhausting and some are easy. They are just people- not lumps of clay or genetic copies. And they will be themselves.

[Storygirl]

@IvyInFlorida

3 hours ago, IvyInFlorida said:

 

I had to comment because I feel exactly like this on a daily basis.  I get emotional sometimes when I hear/read women talking about how much they enjoy being a mother.  I wanted to enjoy motherhood.  I wanted to be a mom so much that I invested huge amounts of effort and money into adopting.  My older son has dyslexia* as well, plus ADHD and mild ASD.  My younger son has no diagnoses--the evaluator he saw says he's not sure in he's just extremely smart, ASD, or has a mood disorder.  All I know is that he's utterly exhausting.  My older son has become a lot more pleasant since beginning ADHD meds a couple years ago, but still has an extremely grating personality.  I told my husband last night that it is beyond difficult to constantly pour everything of yourself into these little people who really would rather me just leave them alone except for when they want me to provide a service for them.  I have basically come to understand that, while I am definitely a low-energy, flawed parent, I didn't DO this to them.   In fact, when I am able to think clearly, I can't even imagine how things would be for them if I didn't, all day, every day, teach them coping skills and try to take off some of the rough edges.

I tried to talk to my mom about some of this stuff before, and while she tries to sympathize, I'm pretty sure inside she thinks it's like some selfishness problem on my end that makes it difficult for me to enjoy being a mom.  But I'm an only child and was an easy, pleasant kid to raise.  I think only other moms in this situation can really get it.  I mean, I have a hard time right now looking at their baby pictures, because that was such a wonderful time and the present time is so hard.

I don't know why some situations are like this and I don't have any advice.  I do know that I love my kids and it's clear you do too.  We're both doing our best, even though it looks so much different than the best we had imagined.  The only thing I can offer is that I think it's good to go through a period of grieving over the loss of what you thought things would be like, and then move on to find a happy place between being the parent they need and also caring for yourself.  I think I'm at the tail end of the grieving part and moving into accepting the realistic day-to-day grind of doing what I can to shape them...which might not be very much.  Hopefully by the time son 1 is 18, he will be gainfully employed and will be able to make it through a meal without using his hands as a scoop to shovel rice into his mouth.  And hopefully son 2 will be able to handle frustrations without turning into The Hulk.  We shall see!

*I don't think most people realize how very many parts of regular functioning are impacted by dyslexia.  I had no idea before my son.  Dyslexic brains are wired so much differently, in the same way that ADHD brains are, or ASD.  A lot of people think it's just reading trouble.  But it really has an impact on soooo many areas of life.

I very much relate to your post, Ivy. We are an adoptive family as well. I also find that I am deeply emotionally effected by pouring so much of myself into parenting. And not receiving an emotional return from the children.

Part of this is normal for parenting (all parents serve out more to their children than they get in return). On that one hand, that is a bit comforting. On the other hand, I think it makes it difficult for many parents to understand what it is like in families like ours. Because they think, "Yes, that is what motherhood is like." And they don't understand that it happens to a more intense degree for some families.

I was also a rule following, easy to raise child. Though I had a difficult older brother. I knew that when I had children, I would parent in such a way that my own children would not be as difficult as my brother was.

***pausing for the maniacal laughter happening in my brain***

 

[Storygirl]

This is in no way a solution for any of this.

BUT

I really loved the movie Moms' Night Out. The depiction of a frazzled mom who feels like a failure really resonated with me. And it has a message about God's purpose for motherhood that is realistic and uplifting and unlike what I got from other churchy teachings. It doesn't gloss over and suggest everything can be easily solved or is just in mom's head.

Which makes me think of a song in the new LEGO movie. The first movie had that catchy song, "Everything Is Awesome." The new movie changes the song to "Everything's Not Awesome." I puffy heart loved that.

 

[SanDiegoMom]

13 hours ago, caedmyn said:

3 of the 4 older ones would probably qualify for an ADHD diagnosis.  Thankfully DD is not displaying the typical teenage behavior (yet?). She has some angst about fitting in and not being talented at anything but has very little attitude and is reasonably pleasant to be around.  If only she could focus and stay on track and remember what she was asked to do...

My oldest got diagnosed with adhd as an adult. Her childhood was extremely difficult and unrewarding as my expectations for how my child should behave was NOTHING like the kid I had. Not to mention my sister had three absolutely perfect NT kids that never did anything wrong.   Being around them always made me treat my own daughter differently, as if I JUST PARENTED HARDER I would finally have my kid turn into one of them.  HA! Not a chance. 

The only thing that got me through? Well, she was never homeschooled for one, and I would never have been able to. Her extreme emotional dysregulation (and my own issues in reacting emotionally) caused all our interactions to be negative. Puberty was horrible for bot of us, but she had it worse -- she had a lot of anxiety and depression that neither of us understood.  I wondered if I would ever like my kid -- we are talking 12 years of struggle.

Now she calls every day, we are VERY close, and she works so hard at everything she does.  She still has a hard time with just life skills, but she impresses all the adults she ever meets.  Though they always end up saying "your daughter is brilliant but she would forget where she put her head if it weren't screwed on:)

My younger kids are NT.  I realize that with half the effort I have near perfect kids.  It's so easy. I would have been so self-righteous about my skills as a parent if they were my only kids!

[SanDiegoMom]

9 hours ago, Pen said:

 

There are connections between mouth breathing and other problems.   Dental, but some other too. 

I learned of this in trying to find out about connection between small airways and other health problems...  there seems to be complicated interconnection, and aspects that may play into mood issues as well

 

Is there anything that can be done to fix this? I have never heard of this, but my kid with adhd has small nasal passages, is constantly stuffed up, had sleep issues growing up, and definitely had mood issues.  She is off and on allergy medicines but she came back negative for all allergies at the last skin prick test.  

 

[gardenmom5]

24 minutes ago, Storygirl said:

This is in no way a solution for any of this.

BUT

I really loved the movie Moms' Night Out. The depiction of a frazzled mom who feels like a failure really resonated with me. And it has a message about God's purpose for motherhood that is realistic and uplifting and unlike what I got from other churchy teachings. It doesn't gloss over and suggest everything can be easily solved or is just in mom's head.

Which makes me think of a song in the new LEGO movie. The first movie had that catchy song, "Everything Is Awesome." The new movie changes the song to "Everything's Not Awesome." I puffy heart loved that.

 

is this like in veggie tales and "we're not supposed to sing the bunny song"...

3 minutes ago, SanDiegoMom in VA said:

Is there anything that can be done to fix this? I have never heard of this, but my kid with adhd has small nasal passages, is constantly stuffed up, had sleep issues growing up, and definitely had mood issues.  She is off and on allergy medicines but she came back negative for all allergies at the last skin prick test.  

 

she may have food sensitivities (which won't show up on a skin prick test) that can cause congestion.  If I will completely stay away from sugars (I also nearly banned dairy from my diet. ) my constantly congested sinuses cleared up.  my dry skin on my legs - was no longer dry.  and tons of energy. I could think clearly.

could also have been I was eating almost no yeast (I eat pasta, NOT yeast bread.)  last time I ate (too much) yeast bread (after not having eaten any for quite awhile) - my  face swelled up and my sinus passages stuffed up.  I did allergy testing a long time ago - it didn't pick up molds/fungi - which include yeast.

check out the "non-inflammation/anti-inflammation" diet.

[SanDiegoMom]

16 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

is this like in veggie tales and "we're not supposed to sing the bunny song"...

she may have food sensitivities (which won't show up on a skin prick test) that can cause congestion.  If I will completely stay away from sugars (I also nearly banned dairy from my diet. ) my constantly congested sinuses cleared up.  my dry skin on my legs - was no longer dry.  and tons of energy. I could think clearly.

could also have been I was eating almost no yeast (I eat pasta, NOT yeast bread.)  last time I ate (too much) yeast bread (after not having eaten any for quite awhile) - my  face swelled up and my sinus passages stuffed up.  I did allergy testing a long time ago - it didn't pick up molds/fungi - which include yeast.

check out the "non-inflammation/anti-inflammation" diet.

Thanks! I will pass this on.  I told her to cut out dairy (she had been diagnosed as allergic to milk when she was little but supposedly outgrew it).  She also gets worse when she swims, which is unfortunate since she loves swimming. 

I think the sugar would be a tough one, lol. This kid loves her food and I think it would be a big toss up between perpetual congestion and no sugar! 

She eats a LOT of bread too -- she is vegetarian and her go to lunch is usually an avocado sandwich or mushroom pizza. 

 

***Sorry to derail!!! 

Edited March 21, 2019 by SanDiegoMom in VA

[Pen]

8 minutes ago, SanDiegoMom in VA said:

Is there anything that can be done to fix this? I have never heard of this, but my kid with adhd has small nasal passages, is constantly stuffed up, had sleep issues growing up, and definitely had mood issues.  She is off and on allergy medicines but she came back negative for all allergies at the last skin prick test.  

 

 

I’ve been trying to figure that out. For our own family.

Figuring out why stuffed up obviously is part of it. Solving that if possible.  (Air quality, fluids, possibly reactions to substances which may not technically be allergies...and may or may not respond to allergy meds).  I agree with what Gardenmom5 wrote.  And there can be non allergy sensitivity and inflammation from things other than foods also.  For example to wool, polyester, wall paint, mold, lint, dust, or formaldehyde from things around in the air space...

And sleep can be evaluated to know if it’s  affected in a way that there are known helps for... 

If passages are small at nostril, there are over the counter nostril dilators (I’ve not found them very comfortable, but was just utterly amazed to realize that some people have a totally different experience of breathing!) ...

Obviously, if extremely congested, it’s not possible to breathe through nose, but if it is possible to breathe through nose, then doing so, through breathing meditation exercises, habit formation, etc, is supposed to itself help widen the (farther back) passages gradually .  

There are also some skull tapping and movement exercises that can sometimes help drain sinuses, if that’s part of problem. Some people, I’ve read, tilt beds to help reduce clogging. 

 It doesn’t seem to be a single same reason and solution  for everyone nor necessarily a single solution in every case.  It can be that a small improvement from anti inflammatory diet and fixing dust problems and exercises together add up to help, though none alone would work, for example.

There’s a type of breathing sometimes called square breathing, or Seal breathing (because Navy SEALS are taught to use it) that can help in some cases.  And it can also help to manage mood in some cases.   SEALS use it to help reduce fear anxiety in dangerous situations, iirc.  

If the mouth structure is still malleable, there’s a thing called Ortho ...  forgot...  I keep thinking Orthometrics but that’s not quite it.  I’ll post a follow up if I can find the name.

Some of these things, like Seal breathing and other exercises, you can find You Tube videos showing how to do them on one’s own.  

Sleep component can take a Sleep Lab to analyze and determine if there’s apnea with need for a machine at night. There are also Peak flow air measurers to determine how decreased from normal someone’s air flow may be...

[goldberry]

15 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

many people who've never had/known/been related to a child from that third category often don't even realize it exists.  they think all children are in #2. (they'll also attribute any of their children in #1 turning out so well because "they're such awesome parents"...)

I recall once reading the experience of a man who used to think that (all children are in #2) - until he had the epiphany, that there was a third category and none of his kids were in it. (so he needed to be more understanding of, and compassionate towards, those parents who had children from that third category.)

 

Quoting for truth!  And the man you mentioned, most don't recognize that category until they have one, or someone close to them does.

I also have reached the realization that "they are who they are".  You can guide, and mitigate, as much as you can.  But that's all.  DD is polar opposite from me.  Stella I think mentioned sharing books, etc.  I often read two books a week.  I LOVE books, and words.  All kinds.  From the time DD was small and I would read to her, she would push the book from my hand and get mad.  Yep, I continued exposing, but she still hates reading to this day.  MY child?  My child hates reading?  *sigh* Apparently so.

OP, another thing I noticed is that consistency and determination, even over the course of years, sometimes pays off.  Certain things I thought DD would never come around to, she eventually did. Over years.  Not weeks, not months...but years.  Does that suck?  Yes indeed.   But at least it happened, so there's that.  Hang in there.

[Pen]

18 minutes ago, SanDiegoMom in VA said:

Thanks! I will pass this on.  I told her to cut out dairy (she had been diagnosed as allergic to milk when she was little but supposedly outgrew it).  She also gets worse when she swims, which is unfortunate since she loves swimming. 

I think the sugar would be a tough one, lol. This kid loves her food and I think it would be a big toss up between perpetual congestion and no sugar! 

She eats a LOT of bread too -- she is vegetarian and her go to lunch is usually an avocado sandwich or mushroom pizza. 

 

***Sorry to derail!!! 

 

Chlorine may be an issue if she swims in a pool.

Sugar, unfortunately, is pretty likely to be a partial culprit...  there are some probably less inflammation generating alternatives for a sense of sweetness...

It’s likely these sorts of issues also apply to caedmyn children.  And so not entirely a derailment.   I doubt it would do anything for dyslexia, but dc not being tired and cranky might help caedmyn...and in her dc case might help mouth/dental situation if they are young enough...

[Ottakee]

49 minutes ago, SanDiegoMom in VA said:

Is there anything that can be done to fix this? I have never heard of this, but my kid with adhd has small nasal passages, is constantly stuffed up, had sleep issues growing up, and definitely had mood issues.  She is off and on allergy medicines but she came back negative for all allergies at the last skin prick test.  

 

Removing tonsils and adenoids can help many kids.

[gardenmom5]

4 minutes ago, goldberry said:

 

Quoting for truth!  And the man you mentioned, most don't recognize that category until they have one, or someone close to them does.

I also have reached the realization that "they are who they are".  You can guide, and mitigate, as much as you can.  But that's all.  DD is polar opposite from me.  Stella I think mentioned sharing books, etc.  I often read two books a week.  I LOVE books, and words.  All kinds.  From the time DD was small and I would read to her, she would push the book from my hand and get mad.  Yep, I continued exposing, but she still hates reading to this day.  MY child?  My child hates reading?  *sigh* Apparently so.

OP, another thing I noticed is that consistency and determination, even over the course of years, sometimes pays off.  Certain things I thought DD would never come around to, she eventually did. Over years.  Not weeks, not months...but years.  Does that suck?  Yes indeed.   But at least it happened, so there's that.  Hang in there.

this was a man who was supposed to be helping this family - and he attributes it to God opening his eyes.  he was humbled.

dudeling was like that with books.  normal kids love to be read to... not him.  even as a toddler - he hated it.  I was able to compromise in reading books and he had to be in the room.  he'd play lego or something on the floor.  he'd act like he wasn't listening - every once in a while, he would come and look at a picture.  it's hard to believe - he was EASIER then than he is now.

[Pen]

Orthotropics.  

 

[gardenmom5]

18 minutes ago, Pen said:

 

I’ve been trying to figure that out. For our own family.

Figuring out why stuffed up obviously is part of it. Solving that if possible.  (Air quality, fluids, possibly reactions to substances which may not technically be allergies...and may or may not respond to allergy meds).  I agree with what Gardenmom5 wrote.  And there can be non allergy sensitivity and inflammation from things other than foods also.  For example to wool, polyester, wall paint, mold, lint, dust, or formaldehyde from things around in the air space...

A 

my mother had asthma and copd.  we stayed with my brother - and she had a horrible time all night long.  she was especially sensitive due to lung damage - but just getting a good allergy mattress cover (that completely encased the mattress), and a pillow cover - were immediate benefits.  

allergy testing only shows "allergy" - it doesn't show sensitivity if it doesn't rise to the level of allergy. or at least they dont' care if it doesn't.

[bolt.]

By "lowering your expectations" you can shift your view of "what success would be" -- which could stop you from feeling like a failure. Then, in turn, when you are less down on yourself, you might have more energy to dedicate towards goals and ideals beyond the basics.

For me, the basics are "Was I a good person all day today?" and "Did I provide for the basic necessities of life and child development?" -- two yesses, and I'm not a failure. Everything else is optional. How about you? What is 'basic success' for you? What's the minimum you need to accomplish in a day in order to 'not fail'?

[PeterPan]

I'm shocked your counselor isn't telling your dh to get these children evals. I'd be questioning at that point whether this person is experienced enough to handle what you're bringing to the table. We went to a counselor once, did a few sessions, and it became very apparent his level of experience did not match what we needed. We went to a bigger city, to someone with a phd, walked in the door and got better help.

 

[frogger]

I don't have time to read all the replies but I wanted to say, you can only take responsability for your actions, not for your circumstances.

I don't know you but from what I have gathered you have never starved your children. You try to overcome dyslexia. You didn't neglect them but made sure they were clothed, fed, intellectually stimulated. You sacrificed for them. 

You are a good mom. 

They are individuals not robots. We don't get to just program them to do what society wants but despite all the frustration you do your best.

You are a good mom. 

Everyday you get out of bed and you haven't run off to the Carribean yet.

That definitly counts as a good mom. 

Though it wouldn't kill them for you to run away for a short period of time. 😉

[caedmyn]

22 hours ago, StellaM said:

 

My perspective change ? Well, I've certainly developed quite a lot of parenting humility.  If I'm ever a grandparent, I will likely not feel I can harass my children-in-law with my superior parenting outlook, lol

Can you look for a win elsewhere ? A lot of my self esteem atm is coming from my teaching work - lots of positive feedback, and they pay me too 🙂 I can put in effort into teaching which then pays off. It's important to have a couple of wins now and then. Other wins I've had come from crafting projects, and doing small things for a sibling that I know makes them happy. 

 

Humility...yes, any illusions I used to have about my parenting or how other people's kids should behave are long gone.  I apologized to a longtime friend the other day because I was a bit judgmental about her kids before I had any.  Her kids were way better behaved than mine ever have been!

I do think it would be helpful if I could succeed somewhere else.  Unfortunately doing anything else is difficult with a baby who nurses every 2 hours.  I'm hoping to play in the adult basketball league this fall.  I played bb in high school and haven't played since so that might be nice to do again.

[caedmyn]

22 hours ago, scholastica said:

One thing stood out to me in your post. " I think kids should generally listen and do what they're told/asked the first time, at least most of the time." Why do you think this? Were you this type of child? Did you generally listen and do what you were told and asked first time as a child? Genuine question. If you did, your parents were very lucky they had you. I do think that is common among firstborns, but not even always then. If not, why not and why would you expect your own dc to be different? Next question, was your husband like that as a child? Is your husband like that now? A general rule follower? Are you? Our children can inherit some of our personality traits, just like eye color and hair color. So, they can inherit that tendency to follow rules and obey or not. Plus, they see how we interact with the world. The Charlotte Mason quote "A child is a person." is very apt in many situations. While, it does mean they are deserving of our respect and love because they are people, it also means they come with their own ideas, thoughts, feelings and desires. This applies to whether they want to brush their teeth and clean their room as much as it does to the fact that they randomly think to give you a hug. They don't see the world as you do just because you say so. 

 

I was a rule-follower and generally a compliant, easy kid.  I was also highly self-motivated with good executive function skills.  Apparently none of my kids have inherited my genes. DH's mom says he was an easy child and he was pretty self-motivated also (boy is he stubborn though).  Our kids all seem to have gotten all the difficult traits from both families.

Edited March 21, 2019 by caedmyn

[caedmyn]

20 hours ago, Storygirl said:

I think one of the things that hit me hard is that I had the life I had always wanted. I had always, always dreamed of being a stay at home mom. It was crushing to feel like I was failing at the one thing that I had so longed to do. I thought I was made for being a mother. And I felt that I was unable to do it well.

I always wanted to be a SAHM with a big family.  I gave up a career as a police office which I loved for this.  I probably had some unrealistic expectations about what it was going to be like, but this is so much harder and more unrewarding than anything I could have imagined.

[caedmyn]

15 hours ago, Tanaqui said:

Caedmyn, if you think your kids probably qualify for an ADHD diagnosis, is there a reason you haven't pursued it? (And if they're all "mouth breathers" is it possible that they're chronically congested, have sleep apnea, and are tired all the time? The effect of disrupted sleep can look an awful lot like ADHD in children, and I don't even want to imagine how it looks if your child has disrupted sleep AND is also, coincidentally, ADHD. It's not fair that unrested children should get hyper and inattentive rather than look sleepy and droopy all the time, but there it is.)

DH is not interested in evaluations.  Research seems to show that meds make a difference short term, but not long term, so idk if I'd choose them anyway (and DH never would).  I would seriously consider a trial to at least see how much of the difficulties are their issues and how much is ineptitude on my part in parenting.  I don't think any of them are chronically congested.  We've been doing some medical evaluations for the 6 YO, including a visit with an ENT, and he has no physical reasons for his mouth breathing and restless sleep (ie tonsils and adenoids look fine, no apparent signs of allergies).  Perhaps they're just copying me because I'm a mouth breather too, even though I can breathe just fine through my nose.  We've done a lot of food restrictions in the past and I don't see that anything that got worse for anyone when I gave up and started giving them dairy all the time, so apparently food sensitivities are not causing anyone's issues.

[caedmyn]

4 hours ago, bolt. said:

By "lowering your expectations" you can shift your view of "what success would be" -- which could stop you from feeling like a failure. Then, in turn, when you are less down on yourself, you might have more energy to dedicate towards goals and ideals beyond the basics.

For me, the basics are "Was I a good person all day today?" and "Did I provide for the basic necessities of life and child development?" -- two yesses, and I'm not a failure. Everything else is optional. How about you? What is 'basic success' for you? What's the minimum you need to accomplish in a day in order to 'not fail'?

Honestly, if I could get through a day without yelling that would be a success.  Sometimes I manage...most of the time I don't.  Then I feel horrible because I lost it yet again.

[caedmyn]

4 hours ago, Pen said:

 

I’ve been trying to figure that out. For our own family.

Figuring out why stuffed up obviously is part of it. Solving that if possible.  (Air quality, fluids, possibly reactions to substances which may not technically be allergies...and may or may not respond to allergy meds).  I agree with what Gardenmom5 wrote.  And there can be non allergy sensitivity and inflammation from things other than foods also.  For example to wool, polyester, wall paint, mold, lint, dust, or formaldehyde from things around in the air space...

And sleep can be evaluated to know if it’s  affected in a way that there are known helps for... 

If passages are small at nostril, there are over the counter nostril dilators (I’ve not found them very comfortable, but was just utterly amazed to realize that some people have a totally different experience of breathing!) ...

Obviously, if extremely congested, it’s not possible to breathe through nose, but if it is possible to breathe through nose, then doing so, through breathing meditation exercises, habit formation, etc, is supposed to itself help widen the (farther back) passages gradually .  

There are also some skull tapping and movement exercises that can sometimes help drain sinuses, if that’s part of problem. Some people, I’ve read, tilt beds to help reduce clogging. 

 It doesn’t seem to be a single same reason and solution  for everyone nor necessarily a single solution in every case.  It can be that a small improvement from anti inflammatory diet and fixing dust problems and exercises together add up to help, though none alone would work, for example.

There’s a type of breathing sometimes called square breathing, or Seal breathing (because Navy SEALS are taught to use it) that can help in some cases.  And it can also help to manage mood in some cases.   SEALS use it to help reduce fear anxiety in dangerous situations, iirc.  

If the mouth structure is still malleable, there’s a thing called Ortho ...  forgot...  I keep thinking Orthometrics but that’s not quite it.  I’ll post a follow up if I can find the name.

Some of these things, like Seal breathing and other exercises, you can find You Tube videos showing how to do them on one’s own.  

Sleep component can take a Sleep Lab to analyze and determine if there’s apnea with need for a machine at night. There are also Peak flow air measurers to determine how decreased from normal someone’s air flow may be...

We've actually been working with a myofunctional therapist for my 6 yo.  It's mainly to see if it helps with his speech issues and/or reflux, but if she can teach him how to breathe through his mouth that'd be great too.  He doesn't seem to have obvious physical causes of it unless his tongue tie is causing it.  But even my 8 month old whose tongue tie was corrected at 3 weeks old is a mouth breather so...

[bolt.]

8 minutes ago, caedmyn said:

Honestly, if I could get through a day without yelling that would be a success.  Sometimes I manage...most of the time I don't.  Then I feel horrible because I lost it yet again.

Yeah, I hear you. I’m working on not yelling too. I’m not always completely successful either. What if we didn’t expect 100% success? What if it was okay (not horrible) that we are working hard to improve our approach? What if we expected to sometimes falter while we learn?

 

[kbutton]

23 minutes ago, caedmyn said:

I always wanted to be a SAHM with a big family.  I gave up a career as a police office which I loved for this.  I probably had some unrealistic expectations about what it was going to be like, but this is so much harder and more unrewarding than anything I could have imagined.

Whoa, you used to be a police officer, and yet you find your kids challenging? I think that probably means your kids are in a special category of challenging, lol! 

16 minutes ago, caedmyn said:

DH is not interested in evaluations.  Research seems to show that meds make a difference short term, but not long term, so idk if I'd choose them anyway (and DH never would).  I would seriously consider a trial to at least see how much of the difficulties are their issues and how much is ineptitude on my part in parenting.  I don't think any of them are chronically congested.  We've been doing some medical evaluations for the 6 YO, including a visit with an ENT, and he has no physical reasons for his mouth breathing and restless sleep (ie tonsils and adenoids look fine, no apparent signs of allergies).  Perhaps they're just copying me because I'm a mouth breather too, even though I can breathe just fine through my nose.  We've done a lot of food restrictions in the past and I don't see that anything that got worse for anyone when I gave up and started giving them dairy all the time, so apparently food sensitivities are not causing anyone's issues.

So, what you do mean regarding making a difference in the long-term? Lots of things don't make a difference in the long-term, but we do them anyway.

I would say that both of my kids are getting long-term effects from the meds that are good. Are they particularly tangible? No. For instance, my kids have a MUCH BETTER idea of what their areas of strengths and weaknesses are when they take meds. Off meds, their strengths are sometimes, frankly, a joke. Like, it doesn't matter if they can do it or not, because ADHD. On meds, they know what they can do well when obstacles (be it attention, impulsivity, hyperactivity, whatever) are removed. 

My older son, for instance, is impulsive and inattentive off meds. On meds, there are days I swear he could rule the world or at least a very large warehouse for Amazon or something. He's enormously productive when he's doing things he's good at. Off meds, he'll walk in circles and then randomly get into an argument, lol! He'll forget to eat,  repeat himself, and words will literally fall off of him like teflon. I say, "Did you shower?" and he'll say, "Did you shower?" It would be hysterical if it weren't so sad what he's like without them. Things he's not great at? Even those are better with meds, and he's more likely to be able to apply himself to the task. Off meds, he knows he SHOULD BE ABLE to do something, but he CAN'T, and it is demoralizing to him. On meds, he's confident and successful.

DS #2 walks around in a fog without meds. Like he's here, but he's not. On meds is still challenging, but he can see that on meds he's more likely to be productive than off. Either way, he is a hot mess, honestly, but he's a hot mess that deals with life much better. He's also safer with meds--less likely to disappear, more likely to know where we're going when we get in the car, etc. (He has many other issues, including auditory processing problems, that contribute to things being difficult for him.)

Both of my kids acquire new skills better with meds--everything from actually learning something at physical therapy to learning something in math goes much better with meds than without, and THOSE THINGS STICK. Eventually. The time between unlearned and new habit is dramatically shorter with meds.

Not to mention that they are actually learning these things while they are young and FORMING HABITS. I could have a whole discussion about what it's like once (bad) habits are already formed or good habits are non-existent, and you have an adult take these--let's just say it's a much longer path to success.

Also, people who know my kids on meds but have never seen them off meds are SHOCKED when if they find out my kids have ADHD. Let's just say no one who's seen them off meds has this "problem." 

I'm sticking with better living through pharmacology. 

I wish we'd tried meds sooner. 

[KathyBC]

23 minutes ago, caedmyn said:

Honestly, if I could get through a day without yelling that would be a success.  Sometimes I manage...most of the time I don't.  Then I feel horrible because I lost it yet again.

OMG, if I still had it I would upload a picture of it for you: I just ran across some lists I had written years ago, trying to survive. On my worst days, I would desperately list areas where I had failed, if anything (an.y.thing.) had gone remotely well, and what I was grateful for. There were failures on there like Yelling at the Toilet (we had chronic times where it would not flush, or it would get stuck running, just stupid stuff that didn't get fixed or stay fixed, over and over - easier to manage now, impossible then). If I put myself under the same circumstance today, I'm sure it would be the same story. It is truly humbling.

[May]

I’ve been humbled in my parenting journey. Sorry you are having a hard time😢

[PeterPan]

What's amazing to me in this is all the details we didn't know. Caedmyn was a police officer, so we'll just assume she knows how to keep her cool and problem solve and keep rational. She used to play b-ball, so we'll assume she used to be pretty fit and enjoyed exercise. To me that just speaks to the enormity of the problem, that someone who otherwise would have been prepared to handle any NORMAL level of challenge is just getting flooded with so many behaviors. It's how we know it has nothing to do with HER, that it's them, it's the kids, it's the disabilities, and it's the gap between whatever structures it's going to take to help them all keep on track and work their plans and what they're getting.

I think that's the problem. Not only are we sold a bill on no vaccines = no autism, healthy living = no adhd, and all this other stupidity, but we're also sold this idea that ONE WOMAN CAN DO EVERYTHING.

Edited March 22, 2019 by PeterPan