would this anger you or am I being too emtional?

[lulalu]

Renewing my DL. Getting the real i.d. one so needing extra paper work and stuff. 

DH asks if I know all I will need. I tell him I will take care of it. I wanted to get ds into bed and then do it all. While we were watching a family movie dh fills out the applocation for me, prints it off and then lays it in front of me to sign. Grabs my passport and social security card. 

It annoyed me a lot. I was planning to just wait. I was so annoyed I didn't look over anything (I should have) 

Well, the we get to the dmv today. The form was wrong, and I didn't have anything with my address on it. So I had to go home to get all that. To top it off dh had to drive me there as I don't have insurance to drive right now. And he decides to interject with the guy behind the teller! 

So we fought, dh thinks I am being emotional. I said it wasn't his place to do any of that. 

So am I being too emotional or would this make you all fight as well? 

[thessa516]

Not a fight or a hill to die on. Sounds like DH wanted to help and next time you'll know to double check the forms yourself to make sure you have what you need. 

[bodiesmom]

It sounds to me there is more than likely some backstory to this situation that is causing your reaction. I'm sorry you were treated that way~

[lulalu]

2 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

 

Do you know why he felt the need to put it all together for you?

 

 

Because we are moving, and I have been packing everything. My to do list is very long, and I have been taking it one thing at a time. 

He did say he was trying to help. But I wasn't asking for it in this area- I did ask for help in packing. 

[Frances]

Is this how he usually acts about such things? It’s something I would have done for my spouse, but only because he prefers me to handle such things. For example, I just filled out new passport applications for both of us. But if he wanted to do it, I would be more than happy to have him do it. Does he not trust you to do it right?

[Tanaqui]

Is this something he often does that he ought to know you don't like? If so, I'd be pretty angry. If usually you appreciate this, or of it's a one-off I'd try to let it go.

I'd be much more upset about somebody claiming I am "being emotional" when they "helped" me and actually made things more difficult. How hard is it to say "Sorry, I didn't realize that would bother you, I'll ask next time"?

[almondbutterandjelly]

I don't think I would have gotten mad, except at myself.  He was trying to be helpful.  Intentions matter.  But always check things because, well, husbands....  He really did mean well.

[marbel]

I have gone through similar things with my husband now that I am working and he's not.  He's trying to be helpful, but helping me in ways that... aren't.   I had to renew my DL recently and he pulled out the (expired) passport and SS card so I could do real ID. But I ran out of time and didn't do anything with them. 

But I have also  learned to always check paperwork because although my husband is super smart, he is not necessarily thorough and he makes lots of assumptions that turn out to be wrong.

I guess all that to say - I get you, and I would be mad too, but I would probably not say much to my husband because he is trying to be helpful in the ways that he thinks will be of most use to me.

Sometimes I do want to tell him he is being overly-solicitous and annoying and maybe he should just leave me the hell alone, but I haven't reached that point yet.

Edited March 18, 2019 by marbel

[Garga]

My dh has ADHD, diagnosed 18 years into our marriage.  We’re at almost 27 years now.  

He does this sort of thing ALL THE TIME.  For the first 20 years or so, it would aggravate me so much.  So much.  But I’m finally realizing it’s just another symptom of the ADHD.  The H part.  Hyper.  When I finally started thinking of the ADHD as an actual disability (sorry to anyone who finds that offensive), I could be calm and patient when he does these things.  Instead of getting irritated at his “help” that ended up not helping at all, I realize he’s working with a disability that makes him think differently from me.  He really believes he’s helping and not just taking over something I wanted to do.

It sounds ridiculous to complain about it, so I’ve never said anything about it to anyone (until right now), but his help can be so irritating.  I stand up to put my dish in the sink to wash it, but he’s there first and takes the dish and starts washing it for me.  Sounds nice, right?  Sort of.  I say, “Oh, I wonder how long it takes to get to X?” and start using MapQuest to find the directions, and he has to grab his ipad and look it up at the same time I am, and he’s all hyper about it trying to get it done superfast.

Basically, for those who wonder what the problem is: he’s hyper.  Everything becomes a race. If I’m going to wash a dish, he is going to wash it faster.  If I’m going to use Mapquest, he’s going to find the directions faster.  For so many years, I didn’t recognize what was going on and I would wonder why I felt so frazzled around him all the time.  It’s because everything becomes an unspoken race.  It’s not like I wanted to race or even was trying to, but when you’re trying to do something and someone else in the room tries to do it faster than you (though I know he’s completely unconsious of the fact that this is what he’s doing), it creates a tense mood and it makes you feel like you have to rush, too, until you stop and think about why you’re feeling frazzled and rushed.

For the past few years, I simply give him a tiny smile and walk away.  I won’t engage in the race.  I just let him do his own thing.  If he wants to wash that dish (this happened yesterday), then I let him.  The mapquest thing was last week.  I started to look something up because I was the one who needed to know and he grabbed his ipad and started looking it up.  I said, “Are you looking this up at the same time I am?”  “Yes!”  “Ok, then I’m not going to look it up now. You can be the one to look it up.”  And I came here to relax with the hive and let him look it up.  

For my dh, I frame it in my mind as a disability.  And instead of trying to change him, I just let him do his thing.  I think he’s happier hyping around like that.  I’m not.  So I just don’t hype with him. As soon as I recognize that I’m getting caught up in his frenetic tempo, I disengage and slow down.

[lavender's green]

I wouldn't be mad. I could see my DH doing it for me if he knew I'd been busy all day. But that's me and this is you, and you are mad (and that's okay). Maybe there's a backstory, or a relationship or personality issue?

OTOH, DH knows that a quick way to make me really mad is to finish something for me that I've been working on for a long time. To me it feels like running a marathon and right when the end is in sight someone who's fresh and rested says "I got this for you" and crosses the finish line. No! I want the feeling of crossing the finish line! Which is maybe strange/irrational/emotional to some people, but DH and I are on the same page about it now.

[SKL]

I could see being annoyed, because I am a control freak, and also it would feel like nagging.  But that would be tempered by the fact that he was trying to be helpful and save you some trouble.  I would probably sigh one of those sighs and move on.  Eventually I would laugh about it.  Because a lot of things seem to end that way - best laid plans ....

[SKL]

I do understand the desire / need to get all the way from point A to point Z myself - having accomplished something helps my stress level somehow.  But I have learned to just not discuss things I don't want input on, until after it's done.

[Bluegoat]

I might feel annoyed in the situation you describe, though in reality I'd probably be happy for him to do that.  However, I'd also likely think he was really trying to help so it would be a minor annoyance.

As far as being annoyed about him saying I was emotional, I guess the question would be, is it true?  It might be that with moving and all your frustration level is lower than normal.

In any case I think this is the sort of thing you might as well just let go.  If it kept happening, I'd just tell him you prefer to do your own paperwork, a better way to help out would be x, y, or z.

[KidsHappen]

I would have thought nothing of it and would have double checked everything myself before heading out. Your reaction does seem a little intense and it would have hurt my feelings if I was just trying to help you. On the hand I definitely would have been have been upset about the too emotional comment. 

[lulalu]

3 hours ago, Garga said:

My dh has ADHD, diagnosed 18 years into our marriage.  We’re at almost 27 years now.  

He does this sort of thing ALL THE TIME.  For the first 20 years or so, it would aggravate me so much.  So much.  But I’m finally realizing it’s just another symptom of the ADHD.  The H part.  Hyper.  When I finally started thinking of the ADHD as an actual disability (sorry to anyone who finds that offensive), I could be calm and patient when he does these things.  Instead of getting irritated at his “help” that ended up not helping at all, I realize he’s working with a disability that makes him think differently from me.  He really believes he’s helping and not just taking over something I wanted to do.

It sounds ridiculous to complain about it, so I’ve never said anything about it to anyone (until right now), but his help can be so irritating.  I stand up to put my dish in the sink to wash it, but he’s there first and takes the dish and starts washing it for me.  Sounds nice, right?  Sort of.  I say, “Oh, I wonder how long it takes to get to X?” and start using MapQuest to find the directions, and he has to grab his ipad and look it up at the same time I am, and he’s all hyper about it trying to get it done superfast.

Basically, for those who wonder what the problem is: he’s hyper.  Everything becomes a race. If I’m going to wash a dish, he is going to wash it faster.  If I’m going to use Mapquest, he’s going to find the directions faster.  For so many years, I didn’t recognize what was going on and I would wonder why I felt so frazzled around him all the time.  It’s because everything becomes an unspoken race.  It’s not like I wanted to race or even was trying to, but when you’re trying to do something and someone else in the room tries to do it faster than you (though I know he’s completely unconsious of the fact that this is what he’s doing), it creates a tense mood and it makes you feel like you have to rush, too, until you stop and think about why you’re feeling frazzled and rushed.

For the past few years, I simply give him a tiny smile and walk away.  I won’t engage in the race.  I just let him do his own thing.  If he wants to wash that dish (this happened yesterday), then I let him.  The mapquest thing was last week.  I started to look something up because I was the one who needed to know and he grabbed his ipad and started looking it up.  I said, “Are you looking this up at the same time I am?”  “Yes!”  “Ok, then I’m not going to look it up now. You can be the one to look it up.”  And I came here to relax with the hive and let him look it up.  

For my dh, I frame it in my mind as a disability.  And instead of trying to change him, I just let him do his thing.  I think he’s happier hyping around like that.  I’m not.  So I just don’t hype with him. As soon as I recognize that I’m getting caught up in his frenetic tempo, I disengage and slow down.

You just described my dh. He has done the dishes thing, and the maps thing! Drives me crazy. Dh is adhd, was on meds as a child, but had a bad experience so won't use them as an adult. 

[Katy]

I'd be mad at the state for the bureaucracy.

I'd be mad at myself for not following through.

I'd be very mad at DH for being dismissive of my feelings.

[Shoeless]

I'd be annoyed and feel like he was nagging me.  I would probably also walk out of the dmv if my husband started an argument with one of the workers there. 

[lovinmyboys]

I get it. I started saying to my Dh “if you want to do x that’s fine, but don’t do it for me or to help me. If you want to help me, do y.” It used to bug me so much I would tell him specifically what I wanted (help packing), but he would “help” me some other way. I don’t really know what helped, but we have worked that out. Either I am better at explaining or he had a lightbulb moment, but it is not an issue anymore.

[*****]

1 hour ago, lulalu said:

You just described my dh. He has done the dishes thing, and the maps thing! Drives me crazy. Dh is adhd, was on meds as a child, but had a bad experience so won't use them as an adult. 

 

Thank you Garga and lulalu for validating my situation and feelings as well!  Although my dh would never believe he would need a diagnosis in anything he does/doesn't do, this sounds so like my situation as well.  I like to do things in my own time...he has to get it done NOW!   Maybe this could be the reason.  (But I do hate it when we go on walks or hikes and he can't walk with me...yep, he is always the first one there!)  One time he actually told me he couldn't drive any slower...ummm, that's what the brakes are for or remove your foot from the gas pedal!  It's so frustrating!  

Yes, you have a right to be angry.  And yes, if there is a lot going on in your life right now, you have a right to be emotional!  I am learning too (often too late) to check over things my dh has done.   Maybe this will help me to remember to do that...!

[gardenmom5]

I think he was trying to be helpful. irritating because a mistake was made, and I can be a control freak.  but he was also inconvenienced by his mistake, so I would work to get over it.

[Garga]

1 hour ago, lulalu said:

You just described my dh. He has done the dishes thing, and the maps thing! Drives me crazy. Dh is adhd, was on meds as a child, but had a bad experience so won't use them as an adult. 

 

Yup. My dh used to take meds for work for a few years, but last year had to stop because they interacted badly with a new medicine he has to take for his heart.  It was nice when he was on the meds, though they had mostly worn off by the time I was with him in the evenings. Some days, especially after I got a bit spoiled by the meds, he’s hard to handle without me wanting to lose my cool.  

In the past I’ve told him that I don’t like it when he takes over what I’m doing or tries to race me.  He vehemently denies he’s racing me...but ...he’s racing me, though I believe it’s unintentionally.  It honestly cuts him deep when I tell him his help isn’t helping.  He’s not told me that I’m being emotional, but he has told me that I’m completely misunderstanding him and taking his help the wrong way and I can tell from his body language that he thinks I’m the one being the jerk.  My dh is a gentle man, but boy do his hackles go up when I tell him his help isn’t helping.  It hurts him a lot and in his mind, I’m the one being a meanie to him. 

Sunday was a difficult day.  We are church shopping, so he gets very hyper before, during, and after the service when we visit a new place. He’s drumming his fingers on the car door on the drive over, whispering goofy things to me during the service, and talking about a million and one things in the car on the way home—none of them about the church...just random topics or making silly jokes.  I’m going to tell him next week that I want our visits to these churches to be reverant and I need the time in the car on the way home to be where we contemplate the message we just heard.  That will be very, very hard for him to be able to do, but I have to balance my own needs with his hyperactivity.  I just need the car ride home, that’s all.  We can talk, but I’d like it to be about the service.  Once we’re home, he can do whatever he wants.

So far the way I deal with it is to realize the ADHD is an actual disability in some ways.  To realize that he’s not doing it on purpose.  To ever-so-gently redirect him when necessary (like I plan to on Sunday mornings).  To sometimes say, “Thanks for looking at mapquest for me, but I’d really rather do this by myself.”  And also sometimes to just be quiet and let him live out his life as he wants and to take over some things in his effort to help.  He does a lot of dishes around here because I’m not fast enough at getting them done, so....great.  I head to the living room and relax.  And he doesn’t even mind when I do that!  He’s not resentful about being the only one in the kitchen doing dishes.  He’s happy to help.  🙂

 

Edited March 19, 2019 by Garga

[Garga]

10 minutes ago, ***** said:

 

Thank you Garga and lulalu for validating my situation and feelings as well!  Although my dh would never believe he would need a diagnosis in anything he does/doesn't do, this sounds so like my situation as well.  I like to do things in my own time...he has to get it done NOW!   Maybe this could be the reason.  (But I do hate it when we go on walks or hikes and he can't walk with me...yep, he is always the first one there!)  One time he actually told me he couldn't drive any slower...ummm, that's what the brakes are for or remove your foot from the gas pedal!  It's so frustrating!  

Yes, you have a right to be angry.  And yes, if there is a lot going on in your life right now, you have a right to be emotional!  I am learning too (often too late) to check over things my dh has done.   Maybe this will help me to remember to do that...!

 

My dh always walks ahead of me!  I used to feel sad about it.  Why won’t he walk with me?  But he just cannot slow down.  Just can’t.  At first, I’d unconsiously be trying to keep up.  There we are, racing through the Walmart parking lot!  Fast fast fast!  But now, I let him go ahead and I keep walking at a normal, measured pace.  If he wants to walk ahead, that’s fine.  He can get a cart and wipe down the handle before I get there.  But I refuse to race with him when we walk places together.  I’m not resentful or mad about it.  I’m just not going to engage in that and I’m not going to try to change him either.  He walks fast.  I don’t. 

[Farrar]

I can imagine something similar happening here. Dh likes to help sometimes when I ask him not to. And then sometimes he does something wrong while helping, which just... ugh. Makes it harder. But then you're not supposed to be upset. He was helping. Groan.

This dynamic has gotten a lot better between us in the last few years. It was never horrible or anything, but it could get bad sometimes.

So basically, I would be annoyed, yeah. But I also would eventually let it go.

[Tap]

It wouldn't anger me at dh, it would frustrate me at myself.

I have learned that dh will help with things he think he will be successful at. So, getting documents needed and filling out a form.....easy. Packing....not easy.  He will pick the easy thing, even if it is not what was needed at the time, over the thing that is harder for him to conceptualize. 

I would be frustrated that I didn't double check that I had the correct documents and correct form. That is just me though. Trusts...but verify. LOL

[*****]

Garga, so many similarities, they could be twins!  

Racing to get to church...check. (It seems he goes faster when these places might make him nervous, especially new places that were my idea.)

Talking about other things besides the service...check.

Doing the dishes (and quickly)...check.

His help in the kitchen has always been helpful, but when we had relatives over recently, and us women were in the kitchen as well, I definitely sensed their frustration.  That's too bad for us, because it pushes people away and he doesn't understand that.  

I've been mad about our walks in the past, especially because the kids can see that we don't walk together like other couples and they have called him out on it to walk slower.  It doesn't help.  Now I've realized that I've always had a friend to walk with me, God.  So I've changed my attitude and am thankful to be spending time with Him 😉.

 

[Chris in VA]

I find this kind of help is really a bit passive aggressive. It's like when someone does the dishes, but doesn't load the dishwasher correctly (and they do know how to, so not just a style difference or ignorance)--the dishes have to be rewashed, and the person loading gets called out for doing it wrongly (maybe not "called out" exactly, but reminded they need to watch how they load)--And then they get upset because "I was being helpful and you don't appreciate it!" 🙄

I have found the proper response is "Thank you for helping. Next time, it would be good to load the glasses on the bottom, because they aren't getting clean on the top." If I don't add that last bit, I am not working to change the situation. If I do, however, the other person takes it as critical, BUT that is not my problem. I can't change how they perceive something. 

No mention of how you have said this about a bazillion times. lol

As far as ADHD, while I feel it is good to be understanding and figure out a way to keep peace, it is also good for the person with the disability to grow as much as they can. I think ADHD is a little like being on the spectrum (which I am)--there are strategies for working with one's difficulties, and sometimes, while you may not be able to remediate everything, you can come closer to a neurotypical response. So I try not to use it as an excuse, but as an opportunity for me to find a work-around for the things I have difficulty with. 

Someone who won't try, at least, to make life easier for those around them by using strategies and techniques, is selfish, in my opinion. However, the person LIVING with the challenging person needs to find ways to help themselves deal, too, because bottom line is that you can only control yourself. 

I find your husband's actions controlling, OP. It would bug the snot out of me. BUT I would not make it a big deal--just see the pattern and maybe talk about how it makes you feel and what you would like to change, and go from there. 

 

[Ausmumof3]

I’d be mad I think.  The one we have here is when I get something new tech or appliance wise.  I will be tied up bathing kids or washing dishes and dh will jump in and set it up.  We don’t get new stuff that often and I actually like to take time, check the manual, set it up the way I like.  What I’d like is if he took care of the kids for an hour so I could have the fun of setting up the new thing.  I have complained and he has backed off quite a lot though.

[Ausmumof3]

2 hours ago, ***** said:

Garga, so many similarities, they could be twins!  

Racing to get to church...check. (It seems he goes faster when these places might make him nervous, especially new places that were my idea.)

Talking about other things besides the service...check.

Doing the dishes (and quickly)...check.

His help in the kitchen has always been helpful, but when we had relatives over recently, and us women were in the kitchen as well, I definitely sensed their frustration.  That's too bad for us, because it pushes people away and he doesn't understand that.  

I've been mad about our walks in the past, especially because the kids can see that we don't walk together like other couples and they have called him out on it to walk slower.  It doesn't help.  Now I've realized that I've always had a friend to walk with me, God.  So I've changed my attitude and am thankful to be spending time with Him 😉.

 

Oh man!  This is mine so much.  We tried to go hiking as a family and I’d be miles behind trying to get the six year old moving and manage the water bottles and he’d just assume I was slow and unfit and walk faster to try and motivate me!  Ugh.

[Ausmumof3]

I just admit, and this is not an attack on op because I totally get where she’s coming from, it did make me chuckle a bit that we have one thread in the forum about women carrying all the mental load for the family and another with someone complaining about her husband filling out paperwork for her.  I do totally get how annoying that is but having the two threads at the same time was a bit ironic.

[displace]

Besides ADHD, which may need to be addressed, it can be disrespectful.  If I ask DH to not do something, and he does it, it can range from a minor annoyance to very hurtful.  Mostly it’s good intentions but with negative consequences.  Causes can range from poor attention, poor short and long term memory, misinterpretation of desires, and disregard.  It makes life harder for a person living with someone with ADHD who isn’t being respectful of requests.  There are many things I have requested to not be done, and most of the time that request is not honored, and my life is made more difficult because of it.  A simple rule for all spouses and possibly most people living together is to ask the other person first before doing things.  Want to help tidy?  Please don’t misplace everything.  Want to help do laundry?  Please don’t put things away where I cannot find them again.  Want to help with groceries?  Please get what is on the list.  

I think I may know why you’re in charge of packing.  Good intentions that create extra work, are not good IMO.  Decades of extra work is hard for the spouse.  I don’t know if most people who don’t live with someone with ADHD understand the constant fixes,  weariness, work, and seeming lack of care that many years of daily things can cause to a relationship.  Anyway... hugs! 🙂 

eta - is it seeming or seemingly?  My brain is broken!  I think it’s seeming.

Edited March 19, 2019 by displace

[displace]

3 hours ago, Ausmumof3 said:

I just admit, and this is not an attack on op because I totally get where she’s coming from, it did make me chuckle a bit that we have one thread in the forum about women carrying all the mental load for the family and another with someone complaining about her husband filling out paperwork for her.  I do totally get how annoying that is but having the two threads at the same time was a bit ironic.

I was going to write in the other thread that some of us have family with disabilities, and the division of mental load labor is a lot different than in a NT family, but I didn’t have the energy leftover that day 😄

Edited March 19, 2019 by displace

[SanDiegoMom]

I came on thinking how frustrating it would have been based on my experience growing up rather than my marriage now -- My dad was like this and did EVERYTHING for everyone and I found it so frustrating. He is such a caring person, but it made me feel less capable growing up.  I had real problems for awhile (ok a long while) figuring out what I could do for myself. Well, guess what - we're pretty sure he has ADHD.  The descriptions above are SO similar.  Constantly drumming his fingers, jumping in to help someone from across the room when they didn't ask, racing to be somewhere on time (and getting there 15 min early every single time!) .   He doesn't want to go get diagnosed at age 70, but he's finally agreed himself that he must be ADHD.  

My husband is the polar opposite.   If there were something I said I was going to do there is very little that will get him to take over to do it for me.  It's refreshing.

[SKL]

4 hours ago, Ausmumof3 said:

I just admit, and this is not an attack on op because I totally get where she’s coming from, it did make me chuckle a bit that we have one thread in the forum about women carrying all the mental load for the family and another with someone complaining about her husband filling out paperwork for her.  I do totally get how annoying that is but having the two threads at the same time was a bit ironic.

I was thinking the same thing.  "Why should I have to tell him to do things" vs "why does he do things I didn't ask him to do?"

[Garga]

8 hours ago, ***** said:

Garga, so many similarities, they could be twins!  

Racing to get to church...check. (It seems he goes faster when these places might make him nervous, especially new places that were my idea.)

Talking about other things besides the service...check.

Doing the dishes (and quickly)...check.

His help in the kitchen has always been helpful, but when we had relatives over recently, and us women were in the kitchen as well, I definitely sensed their frustration.  That's too bad for us, because it pushes people away and he doesn't understand that.  

I've been mad about our walks in the past, especially because the kids can see that we don't walk together like other couples and they have called him out on it to walk slower.  It doesn't help.  Now I've realized that I've always had a friend to walk with me, God.  So I've changed my attitude and am thankful to be spending time with Him 😉.

 

 

The women in the kitchen—yes!  I can’t pull up a memory that matches exactly what you wrote, but I can see it happening so clearly, so I’m sure I’ve lived that scenario in some way.  I can see it so clearly, particulary dh not being aware that he’s irritating people.  

5 hours ago, Chris in VA said:

 

As far as ADHD, while I feel it is good to be understanding and figure out a way to keep peace, it is also good for the person with the disability to grow as much as they can. I think ADHD is a little like being on the spectrum (which I am)--there are strategies for working with one's difficulties, and sometimes, while you may not be able to remediate everything, you can come closer to a neurotypical response. So I try not to use it as an excuse, but as an opportunity for me to find a work-around for the things I have difficulty with. 

Someone who won't try, at least, to make life easier for those around them by using strategies and techniques, is selfish, in my opinion. However, the person LIVING with the challenging person needs to find ways to help themselves deal, too, because bottom line is that you can only control yourself. 

 

 

 

These are very wise words.  Sometimes it’s hard to find the balance.  Sometimes I want to stomp my foot and say, “Just STOP being so ADHD!!!  Just STOP!”  but he can’t just stop.  So, I try to be gentle and reasonable and practical in what I ask for him to try to change or do.  On Sunday when he was spiraling out of control over visiting a new church, I sat there in as much silence as I could without being rude.  I was so on the edge and so irritated at his behavior and knew that if I said anything in that moment, I’d end up handling it all wrong.  I knew that I couldn’t be kind at that time.  Instead, I changed my thoughts to formulating a plan for when I could talk to him after I’d calmed down and not in the moment.

My DH is willing to listen if he is getting out of control with the ADHD, but he can’t listen if I’m yelling or accusing or acting disgusted by his behavior.  If I come at it with kindness and reason, then he will take what I say to heart and work on getting better.  So, like you said, it’s a two-way street.  He does try to control his adhd tendencies, but I also have to find ways to deal with it when he can’t.  If I’d have said anything on Sunday, he was so far gone he couldn’t have pulled himself back and it would have spiraled badly into a confusing argument.  So, I didn’t accuse or yell.  I just endured until we can talk about it when he’s calmer and reminded myself that he wasn’t acting hyper on purpose.

5 hours ago, Ausmumof3 said:

I just admit, and this is not an attack on op because I totally get where she’s coming from, it did make me chuckle a bit that we have one thread in the forum about women carrying all the mental load for the family and another with someone complaining about her husband filling out paperwork for her.  I do totally get how annoying that is but having the two threads at the same time was a bit ironic.

 

Yes!  And now I’m realizing why it was hard to post to that thread.  I did post to it, but was one of the early posters before the people with husbands who don’t help took over.  I was trying to say that it’s not my life (having a dh who won’t take on any mental load) and somewhere I felt like there was a disconnect.  And this thread explains the disconnect.  I guess I have a husband who takes on too much mental load!  At least in some areas.  This is all so confusing!!

3 hours ago, displace said:

I think I may know why you’re in charge of packing.  Good intentions that create extra work, are not good IMO.  Decades of extra work is hard for the spouse.  I don’t know if most people who don’t live with someone with ADHD understand the constant fixes,  weariness, work, and seeming lack of care that many years of daily things can cause to a relationship.  Anyway... hugs! 🙂 

eta - is it seeming or seemingly?  My brain is broken!  I think it’s seeming.

 

I keep saying how I’ve been married for 27  years, but that’s because it’s just recently that I feel I’ve got a handle on what’s been going on in the marriage for so long.  It took me 23 or so years to even figure out how the ADHD was a real thing and was really affecting the marriage.  It was such a revelation when I realized it wasn’t him or me...it was an actual disability that was getting between us.  It can take a long time to sort out what the acutal issue is in the marriage.  It’s not always that someone is “being a jerk” or whatever.  Sometimes there’s an underlying issue that is hidden for a long time.  I’m still feeling my way in how to handle this with maturity and in a positive way where everyone’s needs are met and neither of us are belittled.

 

2 hours ago, SanDiegoMom in VA said:

I came on thinking how frustrating it would have been based on my experience growing up rather than my marriage now -- My dad was like this and did EVERYTHING for everyone and I found it so frustrating. He is such a caring person, but it made me feel less capable growing up.  I had real problems for awhile (ok a long while) figuring out what I could do for myself. Well, guess what - we're pretty sure he has ADHD.  The descriptions above are SO similar.  Constantly drumming his fingers, jumping in to help someone from across the room when they didn't ask, racing to be somewhere on time (and getting there 15 min early every single time!) .   He doesn't want to go get diagnosed at age 70, but he's finally agreed himself that he must be ADHD.  

My husband is the polar opposite.   If there were something I said I was going to do there is very little that will get him to take over to do it for me.  It's refreshing.

My dh and I were out with a friend once to see some ships in a harbor. We stopped for lunch.  DH gobbled down his food and the friend was done eating, too.  I was eating a little slower.  Dh said, “Hurry up and finish so we can see the ships!” And the friend looked at me and said, “Uh...you can take as long as you need to eat.”  I just about burst into tears.  This was 7 years into the marriage and it hadn’t dawned on me yet that my dh might be the one out of line and not me.  Twenty years later and I sometimes still wonder what it would be like to be married to someone calm and measured instead of hyper and frenetic.  

————-

One other thing that happens with the ADHD:

Someone will be telling us important information, like when we were at the cardiologist because my dh had a blockage in his heart.  My DH will be nervous, so the ADHD is more on the surface than usual.  He will be feeling hyper.  Whatever the person says, DH will be nodding vigorously and saying, “Uh huh, uh huh,” in a tone like, “Hurry up!  Yes, yes, I know all this!”  

But he doesn’t “know all this.”  I’ve seen over and over where the person giving us knowledge will stop talking because they think, “Oh.  This guy already knows what I’m talking about.  I don’t need to keep talking.”  And then we miss out on important information.  

I’ve seen this happen with repair people in the house, mechanics, doctors, anything.  This is dangerous!  Dh will do this with me.  I’ll be telling him something and he’s saying, “Yeah, yeah.  Uh huh,” like he knows what I’m saying,  I’ll say, “Do you already know this?”  Sometimes he stops and looks a little chagrined and will say, “No, I guess not.”  And sometimes he will say, “Yes, I already heard of that.”  I have learned to tell him ahead of time not to fall into this.  To stay silent and let them say all the words.  Not to cut off the cardiologist!  Not to nod and act like he already knows what the trained professional is saying to us.  

He’s not an easy person to tell a story to.  He doesn’t enjoy the journey of listening to the story.  He just wants you to get to the end. And sometimes I find myself talking very quickly to try to harnass his attention, because it’s wandering.  I will call him on it when that happens.  I know he isn’t doing it on purpose, but it’s still considered rude in our society to be distracted when someone is talking to you.  

 

[*****]

24 minutes ago, Garga said:

I’ve seen this happen with repair people in the house, mechanics, doctors, anything.  This is dangerous!  Dh will do this with me.  I’ll be telling him something and he’s saying, “Yeah, yeah.  Uh huh,” like he knows what I’m saying,  I’ll say, “Do you already know this?”

Oh yes, you get this!    Same conversations here, it is very annoying!

And the eating...!  Eating with his family is...to eat.  My family likes the social aspect of it, as well as presentation.  That is so difficult!

4 hours ago, displace said:

I think I may know why you’re in charge of packing.  Good intentions that create extra work, are not good IMO.  Decades of extra work is hard for the spouse.  I don’t know if most people who don’t live with someone with ADHD understand the constant fixes,  weariness, work, and seeming lack of care that many years of daily things can cause to a relationship.

This is so true.  When I call him out on something, he says, 'Sure, no big deal'.  Yes, it is a big deal, especially after decades of this!  Ugh!

 

6 hours ago, Chris in VA said:

As far as ADHD, while I feel it is good to be understanding and figure out a way to keep peace, it is also good for the person with the disability to grow as much as they can. I think ADHD is a little like being on the spectrum (which I am)--there are strategies for working with one's difficulties, and sometimes, while you may not be able to remediate everything, you can come closer to a neurotypical response. So I try not to use it as an excuse, but as an opportunity for me to find a work-around for the things I have difficulty with. 

 

You mentioned the passive aggressive, yep, that and other things I have noticed.  The sad thing is, mine won't take any responsibility for any of it.  I am glad you are and you are trying to do something about yourself. (Mine does the self blame thing, poor me, being blamed again. Well,  I don't blame anymore, he does it and I just ignore!)  Too bad he won't get help, it must be difficult living with past baggage.

But please share how we can deal with this, or make suggestions in a loving way to our spouse...books to read or links you may find helpful?

BTW, what does OP mean again? It's just not coming to me!

This thread has been very helpful, who knew that others were seeing the same things! 🤗

[happi duck]

I don't like having my plans derailed so I would have still prepped my own papers.

[Carrie12345]

Hmm...

Trying to put myself in those shoes, I might be a little snippy with him, but only for being annoyed with myself for not double checking. 

I tend to be the paperwork person on just about everything... except I never remember to print insurance cards for the cars.  He eventually realizes and does that. I’d assume he would be printing and handling me real ID papers assuming I was going to forget. 

[DoraBora]

I would not be happy that I had to return to the dmv, and I'd be upset with myself about not double checking to make sure I had everything correctly filled out.  I do think the "You're being emotional" remark was not kind, but he may have been blind-sided by your annoyance because he thought he was helping.  Dh and I might have had words over something like this.

If I could manage to control my irritation -- I hope I could! -- I would consider what I could do differently in the future to avoid such conflict.  I'm guessing about your situation here, but I have experienced what I think you are saying.  Someone might as well say, "I don't want to help you in the way you need help, so I will do this quicker/easier/less involved thing with which you don't need help instead.  There.  I helped you."  That is annoying.  I would tackle that honestly and "unemotionally" after we have both cooled down.  It might not change anything, but at least he wouldn't be in the dark about my wishes.

 

[displace]

The conversation discussion reminded me of this illustration of ADHD storytelling- 

https://m.imgur.com/gallery/tUs7Nm6

 

[*****]

49 minutes ago, DoraBora said:

If I could manage to control my irritation -- I hope I could! -- I would consider what I could do differently in the future to avoid such conflict. 

 

Yes, this is true. But when you have to be one step ahead of the ball game all....the...time...it gets exasperating and exhausting.  So, we vent, and I am glad we have WTM here to find others that share the same circumstances. (And I am not even talking about when we have children to tend to, oy!)😉

[DoraBora]

30 minutes ago, ***** said:

 

Yes, this is true. But when you have to be one step ahead of the ball game all....the...time...it gets exasperating and exhausting.  So, we vent, and I am glad we have WTM here to find others that share the same circumstances. (And I am not even talking about when we have children to tend to, oy!)😉

Agree.  If that happened constantly, it would be exhausting!  I assumed from the OP's post that this was an isolated situation.

I'm glad for WTM, too, and for opportunities to vent.  😊  

[Corraleno]

12 hours ago, Ausmumof3 said:

I just admit, and this is not an attack on op because I totally get where she’s coming from, it did make me chuckle a bit that we have one thread in the forum about women carrying all the mental load for the family and another with someone complaining about her husband filling out paperwork for her.  I do totally get how annoying that is but having the two threads at the same time was a bit ironic.

Well, it's not really ironic since the underlying problem in both the OP's situation and in the article linked in the other thread is that the DH ignored what his wife actually said and did what he "thought best" instead. And in both cases it caused extra work and annoyance for the wife.

"Not helping" and "pretending to help, but in unwanted and unhelpful ways" are basically just two variants of the same problem.

 

[Ausmumof3]

3 hours ago, Corraleno said:

Well, it's not really ironic since the underlying problem in both the OP's situation and in the article linked in the other thread is that the DH ignored what his wife actually said and did what he "thought best" instead. And in both cases it caused extra work and annoyance for the wife.

"Not helping" and "pretending to help, but in unwanted and unhelpful ways" are basically just two variants of the same problem.

 

Hmm very true.

[HS Mom in NC]

Yes, I would be incredibly irritated if I had explicitly stated I would take care of it and he did it anyway without first asking me if I wanted him to do it for me.  That's a boundary issue.  Good intentions or not, if someone's clearly stated desires are disregarded, it's a problem.  I'd tell him straight out.

And the emotional charge is irritating too.  So he ignored you when you said you would do it and then he did it badly and he expects no frustrated reaction from you?  What planet does he live on?  Here on earth people get frustrated with that.

[Farrar]

5 hours ago, Corraleno said:

Well, it's not really ironic since the underlying problem in both the OP's situation and in the article linked in the other thread is that the DH ignored what his wife actually said and did what he "thought best" instead. And in both cases it caused extra work and annoyance for the wife.

"Not helping" and "pretending to help, but in unwanted and unhelpful ways" are basically just two variants of the same problem.

 

That's why I'm so surprised that so many people in this thread seem to think she shouldn't even be annoyed. I mean, it doesn't have to be a hill to die on kind of thing, but she asked him not to, he did it anyway ignoring her, and it's okay because his intentions were good? I don't really buy that. Some of these posts read like she's being petty. It's okay if you'd let it go, but it's not petty not to want your spouse to respect your wishes and not create extra work for you when they ignore what you're saying.

[SeaConquest]

I would have to know more about the background and history of his behavior to really get into it, but query whether he exhibits this kind of passive aggressive behavior regularly to control things. If you ask for X (and it is a reasonable request), he should give you X, not Y. And certainly not Y with a side of guilt for being too emotional about not getting X.

All of it could be no big deal (though I tend to agree that this is a boundary issue), or it could be a symptom of something larger. I don't know enough about the relationship to say. Just something to think about.

 

 

 

 

Edited March 20, 2019 by SeaConquest

[mom@shiloh]

On 3/18/2019 at 6:53 PM, lulalu said:

Because we are moving, and I have been packing everything. My to do list is very long, and I have been taking it one thing at a time. 

He did say he was trying to help. But I wasn't asking for it in this area- I did ask for help in packing. 

Take a deep breath and just realize that things are likely to be stressful right now.  Moving will do that to you.  

Accept the help in the spirit in which it was offered.  It does sound like he really was trying to help with something that he could figure out.  My dh would do something like that. He'd be horrible at packing and that would overwhelm him, but he'd probably look for something else that he could do to be helpful instead. 

[sassenach]

It does sound like there’s something else behind your emotions that is not connected to this particular conflict. It would not have bothered me in the least if dh helped me prepare paperwork. I would receive that as a thoughtful gesture. I would have been annoyed with myself if I didn’t look over that paperwork and ended up with a wasted dmv trip. 

[SKL]

10 hours ago, Farrar said:

That's why I'm so surprised that so many people in this thread seem to think she shouldn't even be annoyed. I mean, it doesn't have to be a hill to die on kind of thing, but she asked him not to, he did it anyway ignoring her, and it's okay because his intentions were good? I don't really buy that. Some of these posts read like she's being petty. It's okay if you'd let it go, but it's not petty not to want your spouse to respect your wishes and not create extra work for you when they ignore what you're saying.

I just re-read the OP and it's not clear to me that she asked him not to do it.  "I'll do it later" is something many people say because they are not prepared to do the thing "right now."  It does not usually mean "I don't want you to touch it."  At least not in my experience.

This also depends on the OP's history with her husband.  Does she, like many people, have a history of saying "I'll get to it later" and then end up procrastinating (or being too busy) until it becomes an emergency?  Or, does he have enough history to know that "I'll do it later" means "I want to and will do it myself, just not right now this second"?

I did say I'd probably be annoyed if this happened to me, but I think that is about my personal issues as much as the other person's boundaries.  I deal with people who feel more proactive than I am about certain things, and I like to plan things out and do them myself at my own pace, but that may clutter others' minds as they want the thing done and over.  It doesn't mean one of is is a jerk and the other is a victim.

[HS Mom in NC]

3 hours ago, SKL said:

I just re-read the OP and it's not clear to me that she asked him not to do it.  "I'll do it later" is something many people say because they are not prepared to do the thing "right now."  It does not usually mean "I don't want you to touch it."  At least not in my experience.

 

She explicitly stated she would take care it. If he goes ahead and does it without asking her if she'd like him to, he's disregarding her explicitly stated wishes, which were, again, that she would do it.