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S/O Mental Load: ways to Lessen Load


Pen
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2 hours ago, Pen said:

 

One is called Summit.  It allows a “to do” tasks list to be integrated with specific time /day tasks (calendar) appointments.  Very good for repeating items (like bills to pay, laundry, etc) and for giving heads up reminders of upcoming appointments.  Very easy to move items, reschedule, mark done etc.  

Cozi calendar (I have free version), has ability to share it with others (sons, for example, or another adult who might be involved in helping to drive to from activities) thus to coordinate events, task lists, grocery lists.  I find it harder to modify, but have set up standard Grocery Lists (you could have work related lists as well), etc.

I also have been using Amazon a lot to have some shopping arrive to my home.  

There are also some that might, especially in paid premium versions, be able to coordinate with maps etc and tell you to do things when the app recognizes you to be near a place to do it... but I didn’t get to that level.

 

 

You can do that with iPhone reminders.  Set it up to “remind me at location”

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1 hour ago, StellaM said:

 

We're doing low academics, but I feel like it's important to keep up some structure.

He's really resistant to exercise since he got unwell, unfortunately.

I'm not sure what to decrease. 

Pretty much I do the household stuff (dd cooks a fair bit when she's here, I menu plan and shop to a list, do minimal house care and no yard work), low key home ed, paid work, and job hunting. I would like to drop the home ed and/or the job hunting, but not sure whether I can.

I can see how reducing the amount of anticipatory mental effort could be helpful. I am primed to expect the worst from experiencing it with dd I guess. Good reminder to look at that. Thanks.

I can’t remember how old your ds is but is accessing distance Ed a possibility?  Sometimes here you can - for yr 11-12 you have to pay for it but if you have a medical condition like depression or anxiety you can sometimes access it free.  Not going to lie it’s going to be work to get set up but it could take the load of the education off your shoulders a bit.  

For job search I guess it depends how tight things are financially.  I’d do what you need to survive now but not worry too crazy much about future savings.  Possibly if the depression is a long running thing you might be able to access a carers pension. There really should be more government assistance for short term debilitating illnesses though.

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Just now, WendyAndMilo said:

Oh my goodness....I knew that feature exists but I never in a million years thought to use it.  I think I would be so creeped out that I wouldn't forget anything.  (Which is ironic given that I'm developing a game that uses location services. Whatev.)

I cannot tell you how many times I have gone into the grocery store with list in hand and come out with only half the list because it's like the words disappear or get jumbled and I just don't see them.  Ugh!  

Yeah I do this!  It helps if I have one of those preprinted grocery lists or apps that sorts into category but if I go to a different grocery store all bets are off.  If I even remember my list!  Especially if kids are involved.  I do a lot of shopping online now because I can think so much better at home than in a busy crazy store.  Where I live if you spend more than $150 and you are home for a six hour window it’s free which is just awesome!  

I do kind of have an in my head strategy for when I don’t have the list - buy 70 serves of fruit, 70 serves of green veg, seventy serves of red veg, potatoes, 4 cartons of milk, 4 loaves of bread, two tubs of yoghurt, a block of butter and 35 servings of meat.  It sounds complicated but it’s kind of easy and means nutritional needs are met even if the meals are a bit random.

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1 hour ago, WendyAndMilo said:

 

I cannot tell you how many times I have gone into the grocery store with list in hand and come out with only half the list because it's like the words disappear or get jumbled and I just don't see them.  Ugh!  

To solve this problem, I now cross things off of my list as I go through the store. After each aisle or two, I will examine my list and cross off the things that I put in the cart. If I missed something in that section, I can go back and grab it before I get too far.

I shop at the same store each time, so I should organize my list by aisle, but I have not become that organized. It's not the way I think when I menu plan, so it's not how it comes out on the page. Therefore, my list is out of order compared to how I am walking through the store.

I should and could create a form for my grocery list, so that I can write out the list by aisle. But I write my list on a small notepad attached to a mini clipboard, and I am hesitant to change format, since that works for me for other reasons.

I do two other things to help me not miss items on my list. I put a little dot beside all of the items found in the produce section, because I walk through there first, and because there are the most items from that section of the store. So even though I don't have the produce items all together on the list, I can easily see which things I need to pick up while I am in that area.

Also, if I miss an item and realize it later, I will circle it on my list as a reminder to get it on the way to the register. I will also circle things that are surrounded by crossed off items. So if part of my list looks like

bananas
apples
carrots

bagels
croutons
cabbage

I will circle the word "bagels" so that it stands out and doesn''t blend in with all of the items I have already purchased.

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21 hours ago, Ausmumof3 said:

Oh and go for paid activities that don’t require parent volunteer work where possible.  

All of this.  I am happy to fork over the cash for someone else to teach my kid macrame for an hour.  Please don't ask me to supervise the nursery while he learns macrame. 

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When I was younger, I was a list person because "out of sight, out of mind."  At some point, I just could not take the clutter that was created by all the lists / post-it reminders.  When I have to remember stuff away from home, I try to figure out a way to get it on my iphone, so I am carrying one  thing.  I have not learned how to do reminders and such yet, but I will take a photo of the list we keep on the fridge (each person adds as they notice things are getting depleted), and I will ask other household members to text me what they want as I'm heading to the store.  Or I will even text a reminder to myself.  Then once the task is done, I delete the messages etc. which have then become clutter.

I still have some things on lists at home - mostly the kids' many upcoming activities.  The plan is to transfer it to a calendar, which I have done in the past, but lately I can't seem to get around to doing it.  So I keep the various separate calendars in a pile in the order of what comes next.  As I mark stuff off, I check the next paper in the pile and see if I need to re-order the pile so the new next item is on top.  The papers also contain info such as what is the coach's phone # / email address and what are the addresses of the various schools in the league.  I also make notes about possible conflicts between the activities etc.  Someday I will get this all organized into some calendar format again.

I try to have everything ready for an activity at least a full day in advance (preferably longer), so the evening before, I can put what's needed by the front door or even in the car (if I'm going to the car anyway).  One less thing to think about when we're bustling about.

Has anyone mentioned this before?  I use Amazon subscriptions for stuff we need to keep re-stocking, especially bulky stuff like toilet paper.  I buy ahead so I never have to think about that.  All those times we worried whether the paper would last until the next time it was convenient to go to the store ... no longer, LOL.  This also means that bringing in the locally-bought groceries is a lot easier.  Wish I had that option when my kids were babies & we had to shop for necessities in the worst weather, sick or well. 

And nowadays, I hear that you can set up an online shopping list for pickup / delivery so you don't have to shop even for perishable foods.  I think you can keep the same standard list and just tweak it each time as necessary.  That would save so much time once it was up and running.

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12 minutes ago, SKL said:

When I was younger, I was a list person because "out of sight, out of mind."  At some point, I just could not take the clutter that was created by all the lists / post-it reminders.  When I have to remember stuff away from home, I try to figure out a way to get it on my iphone, so I am carrying one  thing.  I have not learned how to do reminders and such yet, but I will take a photo of the list we keep on the fridge (each person adds as they notice things are getting depleted), and I will ask other household members to text me what they want as I'm heading to the store.  Or I will even text a reminder to myself.  Then once the task is done, I delete the messages etc. which have then become clutter.

I still have some things on lists at home - mostly the kids' many upcoming activities.  The plan is to transfer it to a calendar, which I have done in the past, but lately I can't seem to get around to doing it.  So I keep the various separate calendars in a pile in the order of what comes next.  As I mark stuff off, I check the next paper in the pile and see if I need to re-order the pile so the new next item is on top.  The papers also contain info such as what is the coach's phone # / email address and what are the addresses of the various schools in the league.  I also make notes about possible conflicts between the activities etc.  Someday I will get this all organized into some calendar format again.

I try to have everything ready for an activity at least a full day in advance (preferably longer), so the evening before, I can put what's needed by the front door or even in the car (if I'm going to the car anyway).  One less thing to think about when we're bustling about.

Has anyone mentioned this before?  I use Amazon subscriptions for stuff we need to keep re-stocking, especially bulky stuff like toilet paper.  I buy ahead so I never have to think about that.  All those times we worried whether the paper would last until the next time it was convenient to go to the store ... no longer, LOL.  This also means that bringing in the locally-bought groceries is a lot easier.  Wish I had that option when my kids were babies & we had to shop for necessities in the worst weather, sick or well. 

And nowadays, I hear that you can set up an online shopping list for pickup / delivery so you don't have to shop even for perishable foods.  I think you can keep the same standard list and just tweak it each time as necessary.  That would save so much time once it was up and running.

Reminders is just like a part of the standard iOS on the iPhone.  You just open it and start typing.  Next to the place where you type there’s an i for information and when you open it you can set it to remind you at a particular time or place.  

Alternatively you can just say “hey Siri” followed by “set reminder for 6pm” and then she will ask what you want to be reminded about and set up the reminder for you.  Assuming you have Siri voice activated.  Otherwise you have to push the talk button but it’s still pretty straightforward.

Edited by Ausmumof3
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Automated processes help . . . automatic bill paying and rotating menus.  An ability to not take complaints personally helps, as does a willingness to leave things undone.  A policy of not doing anything for someone who is able to do it for themselves is useful.  The exception is if that person can trade-off and do something for you.  (You do dh's laundry and he keeps your car full of gas).  I have a disabled son.  I do a LOT for him that I don't do for other people in the house.  There are kids out there who can build robots but don't do their own laundry.  That's crazy.  My daughter has an apartment at college and she's the only one who knows how to cook out of 4 women.  That's a home training oversight that costs the other girls in cash and nutrition.   I try to imagine I have a job that requires travel.  Some moms do and I'm sure their families don't just sit around in filth and starve.

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13 hours ago, StellaM said:

 

We're doing low academics, but I feel like it's important to keep up some structure.

He's really resistant to exercise since he got unwell, unfortunately.

I'm not sure what to decrease. 

Pretty much I do the household stuff (dd cooks a fair bit when she's here, I menu plan and shop to a list, do minimal house care and no yard work), low key home ed, paid work, and job hunting. I would like to drop the home ed and/or the job hunting, but not sure whether I can.

I can see how reducing the amount of anticipatory mental effort could be helpful. I am primed to expect the worst from experiencing it with dd I guess. Good reminder to look at that. Thanks.

 

I was thinking about all this last night - what I came up with:

Since your dd really is busy, I wonder if she could help out by including your son in something she might already do, or would like to do.  So watching a film on tv, or playing a board game when she needs a break.  Or if she does something regularly for exercise, like just walking or even something like a fitness class or tennis game, it would be healthy and companionable for both of them.  

Alternately, I wonder if there might be something your son might be able to do that would get him some exercise that would be attached to helping someone else out.  Sometimes people who are depressed can get some motivation worked up for that sort of thing when they can't on their own behalf.  I was thinking something like walking a dog that is in the house while its people are at work, or doing lawn work for a senior, that kind of thing.  Even on an ad hoc basis.  

The only thing you mentioned that I thought you could really delegate out of the family was looking into resources.  This might be something someone in the extended family, or a family friend, might be quite happy to help out with - people often do want to help out but don't know how, and don't want to offer, but they could do this at home on their own schedule so it's an ideal favour to ask.  People like grandparents, aunts or cousins, might be people to think about, especially if they have any personal or professional experience with health related administrative stuff.

I also wondered if you or your son were hooked up at all with any support groups.  I don't know that these are really up everyones alley, but my dad always found them very supportive - one I went to with him occasionally did have a teen boy in it though he was 18.  But one thing is that often the members have a lot of experience with the system and what is available, and they are usually willing to share.

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10 hours ago, Storygirl said:

To solve this problem, I now cross things off of my list as I go through the store. After each aisle or two, I will examine my list and cross off the things that I put in the cart. If I missed something in that section, I can go back and grab it before I get too far.

I shop at the same store each time, so I should organize my list by aisle, but I have not become that organized. It's not the way I think when I menu plan, so it's not how it comes out on the page. Therefore, my list is out of order compared to how I am walking through the store.

I should and could create a form for my grocery list, so that I can write out the list by aisle. But I write my list on a small notepad attached to a mini clipboard, and I am hesitant to change format, since that works for me for other reasons.

I do two other things to help me not miss items on my list. I put a little dot beside all of the items found in the produce section, because I walk through there first, and because there are the most items from that section of the store. So even though I don't have the produce items all together on the list, I can easily see which things I need to pick up while I am in that area.

Also, if I miss an item and realize it later, I will circle it on my list as a reminder to get it on the way to the register. I will also circle things that are surrounded by crossed off items. So if part of my list looks like

bananas
apples
carrots

bagels
croutons
cabbage

I will circle the word "bagels" so that it stands out and doesn''t blend in with all of the items I have already purchased.

 

I don't know if this would wok with your list making, but I categorise the things on my list by different sections of the store for the same reason you mention.  It's not quite as good as by isle might be, but I shop at two different stores which are slightly different, and I can't remember quite what the aisle order is for either as I mix them up.

So usually I write down the meals, on one page or top of the page (like latkes, sour cream, applesauce, kale salad) and then i put each of the components of that into their category,.  Usually I do it on the same page with the actual list on the bottom half, but if it is a big list I just write the meals on a separate bit of paper.  I usually stick that on my kitchen bulletin board so I don't forget what meals I planned to eat.

The categories I use are generally dairy and eggs, bakery, meat and fish, deli, non-food, grocery, produce, and frozen, since those things tend to be grouped into the same aisles and parts of the store.

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15 hours ago, StellaM said:

 

He's started meds. Not effective yet.

Most of that kind of coaching is private here.  I wish he had uncles or someone like that who could step in.

Do you really think it would be OK to pull back on school even more for a teen ?  OK to be 'irresponsible' and pull back on job hunting ? Just work and look after ds ?

 

 

I think health is a prerequisite to doing well in school. Of course, if the routine of school helps him from slipping down further into depression then it would be good to keep. But putting it off until his meds kick in might be a good idea. The important thing is to work on his health. Don't feel guilty about it.

 

I think your idea of someone to come be his coach for an hour is perfect but it sounds like you don't have anyone. I'd definitly look into support groups or volunteer organizations for someone who can do that. He is less likely to be as resistant to a new person than his mom.

 

Wish I could give you more specific info rather than more goose chases. I really don't know your local resources though.

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2 hours ago, Bluegoat said:

The categories I use are generally dairy and eggs, bakery, meat and fish, deli, non-food, grocery, produce, and frozen, since those things tend to be grouped into the same aisles and parts of the store.

 

I do that too.  Paper list had basics standard and I would photocopy around ten at a time.

On Cozi, I started making a separate list for different store sections.  I don’t erase things when gotten unless it’s a rare item that I might not get again.  Usually I just check (in basket, or still have plenty) and uncheck them (means it’s needed).  

This also means I can see if all I need is a small vegetarian organic foods type store for produce and milk, or if I need a full supermarket trip. Or I can order items like crackers online and just go to best place for fresh perishable food.  

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4 hours ago, KungFuPanda said:

Automated processes help . . . automatic bill paying and rotating menus.  An ability to not take complaints personally helps, as does a willingness to leave things undone.  A policy of not doing anything for someone who is able to do it for themselves is useful.  The exception is if that person can trade-off and do something for you.  (You do dh's laundry and he keeps your car full of gas).  I have a disabled son.  I do a LOT for him that I don't do for other people in the house.  There are kids out there who can build robots but don't do their own laundry.  That's crazy.  My daughter has an apartment at college and she's the only one who knows how to cook out of 4 women.  That's a home training oversight that costs the other girls in cash and nutrition.   I try to imagine I have a job that requires travel.  Some moms do and I'm sure their families don't just sit around in filth and starve.

This is most of what I do with my housemates (the bold).  However I do not enter their personal spaces except on extremely rare occasions, LOL.

I am trying to raise competent kids.  My 12-year-olds have been taught how to prepare simple meals.  One of them is willing to do so.  The other is very reluctant - afraid of making a mistake.  She will talk her sister into doing it.  The other day, she kept begging me to prepare her snack noodles (the kind where you just add boiling water and stir).  Apparently she is afraid the boiling water will end up on her skin.  I pushed the issue up to a point, then finally negotiated a deal where she did another job for me and I made her noodles.  It isn't a sustainable solution for life preparation, though.  😕

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Another thing about lists - when we used to make my dad's grocery list (he did the shopping for our family of 8), we would write it in the order the items appear in the grocery store.  Fruits, then meats, then dairy etc.  That way it's much less likely that an item gets missed due to where it falls on the list.

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15 hours ago, Ausmumof3 said:

You can do that with iPhone reminders.  Set it up to “remind me at location”

 

Can it do a sound reminder?  Like Siri would say “stop for fill up” as I approach the fuel station?  Or go to UPS as I’m nearing the UPS place?

I have more trouble remembering to go to a location especially if it isn’t a regular stop, than remembering what to do once there. 

And if I’m driving it isn’t good to have to read a reminder note.

 

 

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18 hours ago, StellaM said:

 

It is Catch 22.  Major depressive disorder sucks. 

I guess I am not doing a good job of communicating that he's really unwell. 

Ideally, someone else would do the cajoling required to get these things happening.  I just spent two hours - popping up and down from my desk - encouraging him to get up and eat breakfast. I'd love to hire someone to be his positive behaviour coach! I am there for any suggestions as to how to be one myself.

I hear you. Sometimes I get so tired of having to be a cheerleader. I feel like it's leading to depression in me. Are there aunts/uncles or grandparents who might be willing to help get him out and about on a regular basis?

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On 3/13/2019 at 7:04 PM, EmseB said:

I try to remember that repetition, not completion, is my main work right now. My goal is not to finish. I will never finish. That's okay.

 

I think I'm going to write this on a notecard and put it on my bathroom mirror. I so needed to hear that today. 

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@WendyAndMilo a problem too seems to be that even things that might be de stress breaks, time to unwind and enjoy for a little while, like planting seeds, become stressful To Do items.  

(I plant something on St Patrick’s Day.  Especially a potato.) 

Btw: We handle laundry by having everything pretty much wash on “normal “ dry on “normal “ so anyone can move a load forward.  Ds mostly does his own, and sometimes will do a household load like towels.   

When I was a student in an apartment building with laundry room in basement I would move a load along as a study break.  

 

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I’m about to take my dog for a short walk.  This is a way I lessen mental load. The dog is positive. The exercise, even though not a lot, is positive.  It is in an area with trees and greenery.

then too it will help sleep quality for both later

...

https://www.cbhs.com.au/health-well-being-blog/blog-article/2017/10/02/what-exercise-is-best-for-depression

 

 

I’m considering this book too: 

Exercise for Mood and Anxiety: Proven Strategies for Overcoming Depression and Enhancing Well-Being https://www.amazon.com/dp/0199791007/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_RQdJCbNZZD79T

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7 hours ago, Pen said:

 

Can it do a sound reminder?  Like Siri would say “stop for fill up” as I approach the fuel station?  Or go to UPS as I’m nearing the UPS place?

I have more trouble remembering to go to a location especially if it isn’t a regular stop, than remembering what to do once there. 

And if I’m driving it isn’t good to have to read a reminder note.

 

 

It will ding but if you want the reminder read you would then have to say “hey Siri read reminder”.  I’m not sure if she’s smart enough to just read the relevant one or if she’d read all of them because I haven’t used it like that.

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22 minutes ago, Ausmumof3 said:

It will ding but if you want the reminder read you would then have to say “hey Siri read reminder”.  I’m not sure if she’s smart enough to just read the relevant one or if she’d read all of them because I haven’t used it like that.

 

I’ll find out soon! I set two location based reminders where I’ll be able to go into a safe parking lot to experiment.  Sometime this weekend I hope.  

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51 minutes ago, Pen said:

I have to get Siri onto voice activation first though. Right now she it needs my thumb.

So I did a test run and it does read the reminders to you but it reads all of them.  I can’t figure out how to make it only read one.

To get voice activation go into settings > Siri and search and down in the ask Siri section turn on “listen for hey Siri”

 

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On 3/15/2019 at 12:27 PM, WendyAndMilo said:

Oh my goodness....I knew that feature exists but I never in a million years thought to use it.  I think I would be so creeped out that I wouldn't forget anything.  (Which is ironic given that I'm developing a game that uses location services. Whatev.)

I cannot tell you how many times I have gone into the grocery store with list in hand and come out with only half the list because it's like the words disappear or get jumbled and I just don't see them.  Ugh!  

If you want to really creep yourself out and you have location services turned on go into location services.  Go to the bottom to system services.  Open that and look for a section called “ significant locations”.  Open it and it will show you when and where you were at any location for a significant length of time or on a frequent basis.  It was very hand to me once when ds lost an attendance record but also kind of creepy to see that kind of data.

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1 hour ago, Ausmumof3 said:

If you want to really creep yourself out and you have location services turned on go into location services.  Go to the bottom to system services.  Open that and look for a section called “ significant locations”.  Open it and it will show you when and where you were at any location for a significant length of time or on a frequent basis.  It was very hand to me once when ds lost an attendance record but also kind of creepy to see that kind of data.

 

It’s like we are choosing to become big brother on ourselves and to pay large amounts too!  

It is creepy.

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3 hours ago, StellaM said:

 

It kind of gave me idea of a small business to start though, providing that kind of in-home behavioural coaching. There's a need.

Yeah, I wonder whether a Big Brother type org ? Sometimes they only take kids who are experiencing disadvantage. I'll check.

That would be a great business idea except the cash flow issue. I wonder if you could get grants or something. I know the state does respite for special needs so maybe. Not exactly an easy time to start a business I suppose but a good thought for future maybe?

 

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4 hours ago, StellaM said:

 

It kind of gave me idea of a small business to start though, providing that kind of in-home behavioural coaching. There's a need.

 

I think this sounds like like a good idea.  Not sure how it would work....  like how would you get a kid to do something long distance... but it has possibilities...

4 hours ago, StellaM said:

Yeah, I wonder whether a Big Brother type org ? Sometimes they only take kids who are experiencing disadvantage. I'll check.

 

Volunteers, you mean?

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A unique way to reduce mental load...

We have been in our house for almost 10 years now, and our once brand-new home has developed the usual maintenance needs during that time (grout needs to be redone, painting needs touchup, etc). I have asked DH to help over the last couple of years - he is very much a handyman and retired 2 years ago. No dice, and the list of needs continued to be my "mental load." Then he invited dear friends of his to fly across the country and stay with us a week - they haven't been here since 9 years ago.

The energy currently going into those projects is amazing!

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15 hours ago, StellaM said:

 

Hmm...walking a friend's dog might be an option. What would be even better would be if his dad would organise that so I don't have to!!! But no use wishing for the moon. 

Dd already spends a bit of time with ds, listening to music, watching TV etc.

I kind of avoid support groups - I find I end up overloaded with other people's experiences.

I do have someone who could look into resources - they did that for dd. 

(OK< don't read if you hate whiners but I'm going to whine....I just wish someone else would come in and action all these things. I want a wife or a P.A. OK whine over).

 

I've told dh he can get another wife if she will take over the laundry.  However, he worked with a man who had four wives for a while, and he got the impression it was more trouble than it was worth.

 

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I have not read the whole thread. So forgive me if I repeat a lot of what’s already been said.

One - kids do their own laundry. Yes, even the seven year old. 

Two - I do not keep track of others’ possessions. Children who ask where is my ______? Are told “I don’t know, it isn’t my job to keep track of your stuff.”

Three - If a child has a library card, they are responsible for fines, returning books, etc. We also have a basket for library books. They are not allowed to be squirreled away in bedrooms.

Four- my children do one activity, and they all do the same activity. Right now, it’s taekwondo. As they get older we may allow this to change but family downtime (may be what others call margins) is a priority.

Five - I menu plan. I shop once a week. Sometimes I do freezer cooking. Both of these things are work but they free up enough mental space and also time for me that it is worth it. I’m not running around at the last minute every day going “what are we going to eat? What do I have ingredients for?” We eat healthier, too. 

Most of it boils down to encouraging independence in my kids. DD13 loves to cook, so Sunday mornings she makes pancakes almost every week. My middle child doesn’t love to cook, but I make him do it anyway from time to time. In the summer the kids have a night where they are responsible for the meal every week. For the 7 year old, he plans what to eat and then he helps me cook it, but as years progress I’ll expect more. I do let them use many convenience foods on those nights, which I would not use for my own cooking.  If I’m sick, no one starves. DH also knows how to cook, and will if he needs to, but I had no part in that. I was just incredibly lucky with him, because he is very good at “adulting”, and I don’t have to handle much, if anything, that I feel like is rightfully his mental load.

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15 hours ago, StellaM said:

Yeah

 

One of the speakers for the Bright and Quirky Conference (posts on Learning Challenges about it) had a group for boys of color  only and local to his area.  I thought something like that would be helpful more widely.  

 

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10 hours ago, linders said:

A unique way to reduce mental load...

We have been in our house for almost 10 years now, and our once brand-new home has developed the usual maintenance needs during that time (grout needs to be redone, painting needs touchup, etc). I have asked DH to help over the last couple of years - he is very much a handyman and retired 2 years ago. No dice, and the list of needs continued to be my "mental load." Then he invited dear friends of his to fly across the country and stay with us a week - they haven't been here since 9 years ago.

The energy currently going into those projects is amazing!

Oh yeah!  Having guests is a guaranteed way to get stuff done around here!

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On 3/15/2019 at 5:42 PM, StellaM said:

 

Not on a regular basis, but irregularly. 

In my dream world, his Dad would take over mornings or nights. 

 

 

 

Yeah, having Dad involved would certainly help you and help your DS, too, in a variety of ways. (At least, in my experience it does.). It stinks that you guys don't have the support you need there. My heart goes out to you.

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5 minutes ago, WendyAndMilo said:

Ok, so far, that Summit calendar app is amazing.  I can already feel my mental load decreasing even though I've only inputted a single event.

 

I’m glad you are liking it too!

Btw: One thing I learned is not to overload it!

I’m better off braindumping into its lists, like future things to do, and only putting a realistic amount into the daily tasks and events area.  

One thing I like on Summit though is fixing errors is lots easier than on some other apps.  So that too helps decrease mental load.

 

 

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6 minutes ago, WendyAndMilo said:

I know - it's fantastic!  I've got lists going of all the things I need to buy, but not right away.  So I don't have to keep them in my brain.  And I can see visually how busy each day and get rid of events/tasks as they're done - that's even better for my mental state than I thought it would be!  The only things actually on the calendar are my homework due dates set 2-3 days before they're actually due (with a note saying when they are actually due) and my work/church schedule.

 

Now with mental load slightly lowered, can you go plant or scatter or test on wet paper towel in a jar, 3 seeds, kale might be good, indoors or out, ...

not out of To Do, but for joyfulness? 

And then pet an animal...

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1. Margin as almost a religion. Leave extra time, money, energy unassigned to tasks and events.  Previous generations didn't run themselves ragged getting kids to extras and spending money on non-essentials. Extra was saved for a rainy day.

2. Teach children how to wake up, work independently on chores and school independently as soon as possible. Have high standards and don't accept excuses. Start with them doing it with you under your supervision, then leave them with a checklist of tasks and steps to do on their own with a deadline and consequences for not meeting expectations. You get what you inspect, so don't drop the ball there. Have consequences for not doing it decided before hand and let them know beforehand. Get a canister vacuum and a spray mop so they can clean floors.

Children can do laundry-it's not that hard.  Get a step-stool if they need it to reach into the washer.  Don't allow idle time.  If kid A didn't get their clothes out of the washer or drier, tell kid B, who is trying to get their laundry in next to get kid A and tell them to move it along. If kid A isn't home (Why isn't kid A home?  Never start laundry if you're not going to be home.)  tell the kid B doing laundry that they'll just have to suck it up and move kid A's laundry to the dryer for the sake of getting their own laundry done.  If kid A still isn't around when it's done in the dryer kid B has your authorization to throw kid A's clothes on kid A's floor for kid A to iron later because kid A had no business starting a load they couldn't finish. Did I mention laundry should be scheduled on a day when you don't have to do anywhere?

Because I schedule cleaning weekly I can get away with skipping it a week if necessary.  If you choose to only do it when it's critical you lose the advantage of being able to skip it without much in the way of consequences.  We have daily chores every day: dishes, straightening up, pet care when we had rabbits, etc. and scheduled weekly chores on assigned weekdays so we don't have weekly chores on weekends. They're scheduled in such an order that the house is company ready by Friday. Mondays-laundry, Tuesdays-vacuuming/dusting, Thursdays-bathrooms. We have afternoon activities on Wednesdays and Fridays.

3. Keep material objects to a minimum and make others keep track of their own stuff.  Each generation before us got along happily with far less stuff. Buy low maintenance items whenever humanly possible.  There are enough options out there that ironing and dry cleaning can be avoided or at least greatly reduced. I put wooden items in the dishwasher. It's easier to eventually replace it than it is to hand wash it every.freaking.time. Either say no to Granny's china or take it with plans to put it in the dishwasher.  My silver rimmed china is still good and has been in the dishwasher on the gentle cycle for more than a decade.  One or two rims are dulled and I don't care. 

4. Teach your kids to cook as soon as possible. Start with simple meals so they can take on that task sometimes.

5. Buy multipurpose items when possible to reduce stuff in the house. An item that does 3 things is far more valuable than 1 item that only does 1 of those things.

6.  Be explicit with expectations: time frames, responsibilities, deadlines, steps, tasks.  Use timers, lists, charts, and alarms as needed. Create consequences for not meeting expectations because that's how life works. When a family member comes to you and indicates they want you to solve a problem that they should handle on their own, phrase things in a way that shows it's not your problem to solve.  "What you going to do to solve your problem?" or "That's something you'll have to solve by (insert deadline here.) or "Wow.  That sounds tough.  Let me know what you decide to do about it." If they're prone to using the imperial "we" like, "We should look into/do that." Insist that they clarify who "we" is.  "Do you mean you're going to take responsibility for part of that?  Which part?  When will have that done?" or "You don't me when you say we, do you? "

7. Institute basic life principles like "Work first, then play." and "Privileges are only for those who have fulfilled their responsibilities." No kid should be playing when the chores haven't been completed yet.  And don't allow them to develop the habit of waiting until the last minute to get ready to go somewhere.  They should get ready (including shoes) to go somewhere and put items they need to take with them in the vehicle first, then if there's time left they can play a game, read a book, watch tv, etc. Kids who struggle with getting ready on time should choose outfits the night before.

8. Keep it simple.  If it's too complicated then it's a no.

9. Meal plan and grocery shop once a week or longer. Cook once, eat twice (or more.) If you plan meals that either freeze well or you're willing to eat later in the week every time, you only have to decide on and shop for half as many, and you only have to clean the cooking dishes half as many times. If you don't have leftovers for another meal double or triple your batch so you do.  Keep a list available for everyone in the house to add to the moment they realize they need something.  Mine is a piece of paper on the fridge with a magnet pencil holder next to it. If they forgot to write it down, then they'll have to do without it. Tell everyone you expect them to help bring in and put away groceries as soon as you come home with them. Eat out on grocery shopping day if it's in the budget-you earned it.

10.  Tell family members they're responsible for keeping their activities posted well in advance on a shared, accessible family calendar. If they don't it's not gonna happen and it's their own fault. Everyone meets at the beginning of they day to review the activities and the time mom expects to walk out the door.

11. Respect and allow natural consequences as much as possible.  They lost their favorite shoes because they didn't put them away?  Oh well, they'll have to wear whatever other shoes they have and be perfectly at peace with it. They can only find their fuzzy slippers?  Oh well, fuzzy slippers it is.

12.  Give allowance/chores for the every 2 weeks, a month, or more.  We did chores monthly when we had more than 1 kid at home and we do allowance once a month. Include toiletries, cosmetics, entertainment, school supplies, etc. in that and tell them they'll have to make it work.  When they're out of money they'll have to wait until the next month-you don't want to hear about it.

13.  Any chore charts, task lists, weekly meal plan and its accompanying grocery list can be saved and reused later.  You spent time figuring it out, and your time is valuable. Keep the fruits of your labor.  I go through my fridge and pantry marking off what I already have on hand before I go to the grocery store.

14. Do things in an order that maximizes your time and use the shortest setting that does the job.   Bring down the laundry and empty hangers, get the first load going in the washer, then start a load of dishes, put dinner in the crockpot, then clean your fridge out.  Have a timer set on your phone or a kitchen timer or whatever if you can't hear the buzzer on your washer and dryer. When the timer goes off move the next load in and set the timer for the dryer and get back to cleaning out the fridge.  When the timer goes off on the drier immediately hang things on the hangers because it's easier than ironing. Keep working at those tasks between buzzers so your workday is more productive. Teach your kids to do this.

15.  Keep project lists at the ready so you can add to them as needed and you can access them when you have time for them. Buying lists too-those are best kept prioritized.

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