Dating in college

[Chris in VA]

Can we talk about boundaries in dating in college--

Maybe starting with, how do you (well, your kids) actually date, as opposed to being constantly around and available, when they live on the same floor or in the same area as their bf or gf? Or are they always available? 

How do they put boundaries on their time, what ARE those boundaries, etc. I realize choices vary--I 'd love to hear what has worked for a diverse cross-section of students who have a signif Other at school with them (but aren't living together in an apartment). 

Curious! 

[JazzyMom]

My oldest is a hs senior this year so I don’t have any experience with this as a parent, but dh and I met during my freshman year and dated throughout college.  

We were each busy with our own classes and activities (job/frat/sorority/student groups), and maybe spent time alone as a couple a few times a week.  We were in the same circle of friends so we were around each other often, but we weren’t always paired up as a couple.  For instance, if we were going to the same party, I went with my friends, and he went with his, and maybe we’d meet up after.

We both lived on campus, but did not live together.

No real boundaries, we just both had busy lives with friends and activities we enjoyed.  Our lives did not revolve around each other.

Edited February 24, 2019 by JazzyMom

[teachermom2834]

My two college boys date girls at their schools. 

Oldest and his gf have been dating almost two years (started spring of freshman year and they are juniors now). It seems very healthy. They both play sports so they are busy with practices and travel schedules that do not coordinate. He is president of his fraternity and she is president of her sorority. They are both dedicated students and both are pursuing internships, research, jobs. They both very much have their own lives and that seems good. They really both understand that the other is too busy to be at all their games, social events, etc so there isn’t a lot of pressure.

Second ds I am less sure of. He is a freshman and has been dating his gf since shortly after school started in fall. They live in the same dorm. I really don’t know the particulars of how often they see each other but I do continually beat the drum of “have your own life” and “support gf having her own life” and talk about how it is great to have companionship but this is a time of life they should be each developing themselves as people and pursuing their futures and then if it works out their partnership will be stronger if they are both healthy well adjusted individuals. I remind him to be developing other friendships and support systems because nothing is guaranteed in a dating relationship. I think he is. He dated and had break ups in high school so he knows that relationship can change overnight. 

You did not ask but one thing I am enjoying about them dating in college is that it really doesn’t have much to do with me. Both boys dated pretty seriously in high school and I found the ongoing issues and complications of teen romance to be exhausting. It is nice for me that they are adults now and conducting their live lives without my involvement. I know that sounds bad but it is easier for everyone now that they are older.

[Storygirl]

I don't have a college student yet, but I will add a bit of my own experience.

My boyfriend from my freshman and sophomore year was also in my core group of friends, so we were together a lot. We ate meals together, studied together, and socialized together as a group. Neither of us had money to spare, so we did not go on dates, other than dances for our fraternity/sorority. We spent a lot of time playing cards as a group on the weekends. We did spend a lot of time alone as well, because he was an RA and had a single room, so we studied there. We were basically best friends who were also a couple. I was in activities and classes that did not include my bf, so we were not always together. But if we both had free time, or both were studying, yes, we were mostly together.

I also had girl friends who were my roommates and sorority sisters. Some of these people overlapped and were also in my bf's wider circle of friends.

It was hard when we broke up at the beginning of my junior and his senior year, because it was also a major shift in whom I spent time with. I stopped hanging out with him and his closest friends, though we still remained friendly, and I spent more time with my other friends. But it wasn't like I had to make new friends; I just shifted to spending time with the other people that I already had in my social group.

If your daughter is asking for advice about this, or if she will listen to unsolicited advice, I think that shows a very special close connection between the two of you. I also think that it is unusual, and that most college students will make their own choices about relationships, regardless of parent input.

If my mom had advised me to spend less time with my boyfriend, it probably would have been wise advice. But I wouldn't have heeded it. It's been a long time, but I do believe she did express worry that I spent too much time with my bf, but she didn't really know the dynamics, because she was far away. I think I categorized it as a general common mom concern, and I disregarded it.

 

[Bootsie]

This ranges as much for college students in a relationship as it does for other relationships, and even marriages.  Some people need a large amount of alone time, some people have a lot of outside interests and friends they want to spend time with, some students have an academic load which requires a great deal of time.  In addition, sometimes this matches their BF or GF's needs and they don't even have to talk about "'boundaries" regarding time, it just simply happens in what is natural in their situation.  It is when the needs (or expectations) of the two vary greatly that boundaries even need to be set in this area.  

In reality, I don't know the specific time-related boundaries my college age children place on their relationships, my gut is it changes over the semester depending upon workload.  When my child dated someone with the same major, working on the same projects for the same classes, the amount of time they spent together was probably very different than when I had a child who was studying hard for a comprehensive exam dating someone who had an off-campus internship that semester.