How much would you spend to attend childhood best friend's wedding?

[ELemenoP]

I am having a dilemma and would like to see what other people would do in my situation. My childhood best friend, who was also the MOH in my wedding is getting married. We aren't very close anymore (because, life), but I love her to death, have known her since birth and our families are still very close friends. It's going to be a pretty amazing wedding in an amazing venue and my mom and I were planning on going and splitting hotel cost, etc. After pricing flights (the cheapest flights,with several layovers and overnight flying- ugh!), I am wondering if I'm crazy to spend this much for two nights away. (Of course, I'd love to say that money is no object, and that I'd go no matter what. But realistically, we are a single income family in a HCOL area and we don't have money flowing freely). 

 

If you were in a similar situation, how much would you be okay with paying for a flight and two nights in a hotel to go to your childhood BFF's wedding? 

 

[HomeAgain]

For everything, my budget would be $800-$1000.  If that wasn't within our family's finances I would have no problem sending my regrets, a personal gift, and hope that we could get together in the future when I was able to do so.

[Arcadia]

I am also in a single income family in HCOL. I would be comfortable paying up to $3k for airfare and hotel for a childhood best friend and treat it as a reunion of childhood friends at her wedding. However my mom would have paid for everything (including gifts) other than my airfare if she was also invited because that’s how my parents are when it comes to expenses. When my husband flies back to visit his parents on non-negotiable dates (parent’s birthday) he ends up paying $2k or slightly more for round trip airfare including airport tax.

[ELemenoP]

1 minute ago, Arcadia said:

I am also in a single income family in HCOL. I would be comfortable paying up to $3k for airfare and hotel for a childhood best friend and treat it as a reunion of childhood friends at her wedding. However my mom would have paid for everything (including gifts) other than my airfare if she was also invited because that’s how my parents are when it comes to expenses. When my husband flies back to visit his parents on non-negotiable dates (parent’s birthday) he ends up paying $2k or slightly more for round trip airfare including airport tax.

My husband's parents are typically that way- it makes it very easy to accept travel invitations! But my parents are poor, and it will be a stretch for my mom to be able to go, too. But their expenses are far lower than ours, they have no kids at home and both of them work, so she will make it work as long as I'm going. 

[catz]

It really depends on income level and what you'd be giving up to do it.  If it would change my lifestyle for the next 3-6 months to cover it, I wouldn't do it.  If maybe my family's vacation budget were a little smaller that year, meh, I think that would be a worthy sacrifice.  I also think it's a great bonding event with your own mother than you'll remember and cherish for many years to come.   With airfare involved, honestly, I'd want to tack on a couple more days.  

I just took my kid to audition at a college across country.  We could have done it in 3 days but we took 5.  Oh my gosh, it was SO fun spending that time with just him the year before he leaves for college during a stressful time.   Way too expensive, but for me, worth every single penny.

[ELemenoP]

6 minutes ago, HomeAgain said:

For everything, my budget would be $800-$1000.  If that wasn't within our family's finances I would have no problem sending my regrets, a personal gift, and hope that we could get together in the future when I was able to do so.

As of right now, the price just for my portion of the hotel and my airfare is 1200. Food, wedding gift, etc. will bring that up, which is why I'm struggling. Once I get over 1k, my brain starts spinning over the decision. 

[SKL]

You said it will be in an amazing venue - that suggests to me that it may be a destination that is attractive to visit, so that would play in.  I don't have a problem spending money on fun travel.  The budget would depend on what I could afford without going into long term debt.  I'm gonna say cap it at roughly $1,000 per day away from home?

For me, the bigger issue would be whether I could take the time off.  Usually I would have to say no for that reason.

[Storygirl]

I am frugal, so I'd be tempted not to go. The friend would not have any time to spend with me, so if my purpose was to reconnect with her, I would perhaps spend the money on a trip to visit her another time.

If the intent is to experience the beauty of the wedding, or to reconnect with other people who might be there, the money would be more worth it. But the bride will be too busy for more than a hug and quick chat. I had friends who flew in from out of state for my wedding, and I felt guilty that I couldn't spend any time with them after they made such an effort and spent so much to get there.

I think your friend will understand if you don't go. I also think it's fine to go, if you have the money to spend, and if you don't expect it to be a reunion with your friend.

[ELemenoP]

1 minute ago, FuzzyCatz said:

It really depends on income level and what you'd be giving up to do it.  If it would change my lifestyle for the next 3-6 months to cover it, I wouldn't do it.  If maybe my family's vacation budget were a little smaller that year, meh, I think that would be a worthy sacrifice.  I also think it's a great bonding event with your own mother than you'll remember and cherish for many years to come.   With airfare involved, honestly, I'd want to tack on a couple more days.  

I just took my kid to audition at a college across country.  We could have done it in 3 days but we took 5.  Oh my gosh, it was SO fun spending that time with just him the year before he leaves for college during a stressful time.   Way too expensive, but for me, worth every single penny.

oh YES! That is a huge part of it, too- getting to spend time with my mom. We moved away from our home town a couple years ago, and rarely get to spend time together now. I would love to tack on more days, but as it is, my husband will be taking 2 days off of work to be home for our children and can't afford to miss more because he will be getting ready to start a big trial. I wish we could add on more!

[HomeAgain]

2 minutes ago, ELemenoP said:

As of right now, the price just for my portion of the hotel and my airfare is 1200. Food, wedding gift, etc. will bring that up, which is why I'm struggling. Once I get over 1k, my brain starts spinning over the decision. 

In that case, I would decline.  If it was something where I would be spending a lot of time with a person, I would regret it more, but this is a wedding.  It will be nice, but you will not be spending time with your friend.  She will be busy with those in her wedding party before, mingling with all the guests during, and leaving directly after.  It is rather like going to see a show.  I do think you should send a gift and definitely try to get together sometime later after she's married, but I would not stretch above my finances in this situation.

[Bambam]

I'd discuss it with my dh. We'd sit down and look at finances. It doesn't matter what I would spend - it would be to make how much I could *afford* to spend on a single person vacation. Is there anyway I could turn it into a family vacation - i.e. we drive there (I know you said flights, but maybe) and the family just not attend the wedding? Playing into this would also be how much would I feel comfortable if my dh spend on a vacation/trip just for him. 

For me, I'd be hesitant to spend much. But I'm not sentimental. I'd send a very nice wedding present instead and ask if we could meet up for a vacation next summer.

But I'm not a big fan of weddings. The bride & groom are so busy with everyone, I wouldn't expect much time to visit (at all) with them, so it would really just be to see the wedding and enjoy (without my family, which I'm not that good at) the venue for the time I can or visiting with other guests (any other attendees big friends of yours?) . Spending time with Mom could either be good or bad depending upon your relationship. 

Edited February 19, 2019 by Bambam

[Crimson Wife]

Are there going to be other mutual friends at the wedding whom you haven't seen in a while?

[ELemenoP]

Just now, Bambam said:

I'd discuss it with my dh. We'd sit down and look at finances. It doesn't matter what I would spend - it would make how much I could *afford* to spend on a single person vacation. Is there anyway I could turn it into a family vacation - i.e. we drive there (I know you said flights, but maybe) and the family just not attend the wedding? 

For me, I'd be hesitant to spend much. But I'm not sentimental. I'd send a very nice wedding present instead and ask if we could meet up for a vacation next summer.

But I'm not a big fan of weddings. The bride & groom are so busy with everyone, I wouldn't expect much time to visit (at all) with them, so it would really just be to see the wedding and enjoy (without my family, which I'm not that good at) the venue for the time I can or visiting with other guests (any other attendees big friends of yours?) . Spending time with Mom could either be good or bad depending upon your relationship. 

If we could drive to include my whole family, I would- but it's almost 3k miles away from home. I know I would have a blast with my mom, and my friend's family, who has always been a second family to me. But the cost makes me struggle. My husband will tell me to do it no matter the cost, but I am the numbers person in our house and the cost just makes me gasp. 

[ELemenoP]

Just now, Crimson Wife said:

Are there going to be other mutual friends at the wedding whom you haven't seen in a while?

Her family- parents, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents that I was always close to growing up and still see occasionally. They are all a blast. 

[Xahm]

In your case, I think I'd try to go, if I could reasonably enjoy it and not feel guilty/worrying about money while I was there. I'd try hard to see if I could find someone to watch the kids one or two more days. It's about honoring a friend and reconnecting with loved ones, even if you won't get to spend much time with the friend.

 

[ELemenoP]

3 minutes ago, Patty Joanna said:

I think a lot of this depends on not just finances but what you grew up expecting.  My birth family never travelled further than a couple hours drive for *anything*--weddings, funerals (except for that of a parent--but not even siblings!).  I was shocked out of my wits to see people at my wedding who had driven 500-1000 miles to be there.  My BFF goes to ALL the things...the nephew weddings, the cousin graduations, all over the country.  It is expected in her family.  

She asked me to go to her son's/my godson's spring break with them and to his graduation...I had to ask her what she preferred--I could only do one (both are 5 hour flights away and $$$ tickets and lodging).  She has the money so she is paying for one of my trips because she couldn't decide which was more important.  But I really did have to make a decision.  Maybe you can ask your friend...would it be better for me to come to your wedding or for us to get together for a fun weekend so we can catch up?  IDK.  I'm enough of an introvert that I don't think I would want to go to the wedding where I would know only the busiest person in the room and my mom.  But that's me.

We are an East Coast family and travelled for everything- but by car. A 13 hour trip several times a year was seen as no biggie, but we *NEVER* flew. Ever. My first flight was with my now-husband when we were teenagers and his family took me on a month-long trip to California with them! That was culture shock. We did vacations growing up, but we stayed with family typically and rarely had reason to stay in a hotel. That's probably why my husband is more okay with me going than I am! 😁

[gardenmom5]

it really depends upon what my discretionary income is.  because you do have to consider hotel, and car, and meals too.

 

if your dh is ok with the money - take a deep breath, and go.

Edited February 19, 2019 by gardenmom5

[HS Mom in NC]

Is it the number itself causing you stress, or is it the consequences to the rest of your family and your budget causing you stress?

[SKL]

Honestly, to spend that time with my mom, I would go!  🙂

[Bootsie]

If I did not get to spend much time with my mom and the travel was back to my home town, I would consider spending the money, if it did not result in a significant sacrifice for the rest of the family.  If the great venue is a destination wedding, however, I would not.  I would prefer to spend money on a vacation at a place I choose with my family.  

[MistyMountain]

That would not be in our budget at all to do something like that. If I could take a trip like that I probably prefer to do it when I had more time then a weekend and could spend time with them.

[Twolittleboys]

I would go as long as the expense isn't a real hardship. I did NOT attend my best friend's wedding for various reasons (some better, some worse) and I still feel horrible about it almost 20 years later. It is one of those things you can not undo.

[moonflower]

It would sort of depend on your finances.  I spent something like that going to my sister's wedding (with DDs), and at one point I thought it was going to be closer to $5k, $10k if you count the time off work as we were thinking of going as a family and spending a week on the road.  I was Not Happy About The Cost but what can you do.

[Chris in VA]

I would go. Can you maybe save on the hotel room? Have you checked to see if there is an AirBnB or something less expensive? 

[Tap]

I would give up 1 to 2 months of my fun money, but only if I could save it before I went. Any more than that would bother me. I would personally not go into debt to do it. I have had very, very few vacations in my life, so it would be hard for me to spend too much, especially with the focus being on someone else's wedding. I will say that this may just be because the weddings I have gone to have all just left out of town guests sitting around a lot doing nothing aside from the wedding/reception. If it were in an area that I could enjoy myself or there were some fun get together activities planned, that would be better :0)

[Ottakee]

I might forgo the wedding but plan a trip though see your dear friend when you could actually spend time with her and really visit.

[May]

It sounds to me that you want to go😊 If it means not being able to pay bills, then decline. Otherwise, go and have fun reconnecting with friends🌺

[TechWife]

8 hours ago, Storygirl said:

If the intent is to experience the beauty of the wedding, or to reconnect with other people who might be there, the money would be more worth it. But the bride will be too busy for more than a hug and quick chat. I had friends who flew in from out of state for my wedding, and I felt guilty that I couldn't spend any time with them after they made such an effort and spent so much to get there.

This isn’t universal, though. I had everything ready for my wedding specifically so that I could spend time with family & friends in the week leading up to the wedding. I also made sure to spend a bit of time with people I could only see on the day of the wedding (I sent a bridesmaid into the church sanctuary to find a specific person before the service so we could spend time together).  I also know great fun was had at the hotel with college friends and family getting together in their respective groups. 

[Pippen]

6 hours ago, ELemenoP said:

oh YES! That is a huge part of it, too- getting to spend time with my mom. We moved away from our home town a couple years ago, and rarely get to spend time together now. I would love to tack on more days, but as it is, my husband will be taking 2 days off of work to be home for our children and can't afford to miss more because he will be getting ready to start a big trial. I wish we could add on more!

Last year at this time I would have said save the money if it's too big of a stretch. But after losing my mom unexpectedly I now say use the wedding as an excuse to spend time with yours or schedule something together that is mutually affordable. 

Funds have always been tight, and one positive outcome of big family/friends events is that it forces the get togethers we otherwise think we can't afford. 

[MEmama]

$1200 for a crappy flight and a shared hotel room for 2 nights? Are you sure you can't get the cost down? We fly and travel quite a bit and that seems really, really high to me.

I'd say go if it's important to you. Life is short, you know? But if it's going to cause you major stress or guilt, plan to meet up a different time. Everyone understands real life. 

[DawnM]

I consider best friends the same as family, so I would try my hardest to make it happen.  I would guess $1,000-$1,500 would be the cost.

[marbel]

Just now, Seasider too said:

For me it would come down to opportunity cost - what would that money be used for if not a trip. Would it mean my children would go without summer activities, or a semester of tuition, or that dh and I would have to give up a trip for ourselves, or money for a car for a teen that will soon need one? I joke that I automatically calculate how many music lessons an item costs. I’d have to weigh the options and consider how quickly that amount of money could be re-earned.

<snip>

This is exactly what I was thinking.  

I don't see the ages of your kids, so I don't know if you have years and years to save for college, or it's around the corner and $1200 would make a huge difference for that.  We don't know your disposable income, how many years your husband has left to work, what kind of emergency fund and long-term savings you have... there's no way to know.

For some people here, $1200 would be nothing. For others, it would be impossible. There was a time in my life when I would accept the invitation with barely a thought for the money, and times when it would be impossible.  

I hope you are able to come to a decision you are happy with!  

[Scarlett]

17 hours ago, ELemenoP said:

oh YES! That is a huge part of it, too- getting to spend time with my mom. We moved away from our home town a couple years ago, and rarely get to spend time together now. I would love to tack on more days, but as it is, my husband will be taking 2 days off of work to be home for our children and can't afford to miss more because he will be getting ready to start a big trial. I wish we could add on more!

As frugal and practical as I am, I say go and enjoy your time with your mother.  That is a lot for airfare, but after that you won’t spend too much.  I mean, you would probably send a gift regardless so that shouldn’t be counted in the trip budget.  When I am alone I can get by on very little for food.  

Just go.  You will not regret going. You WILL regret not going.

[HS Mom in NC]

If you want to spend time with your mom, you can do it less expensively with just her and you closer to home or more expensively by going to this wedding. If you want to personally connect with the friend, you might be able to do that briefly at her wedding, but odds are you won't-it's not typical and you have no control over it. If you want to be at her wedding, you have to go to the wedding. If you need to stay within a budget, then you have to look at your finances with some cold detachment taking all the factors into account and remember that it would be nice to go, but it's not a big deal if you don't.  It's just a wedding.  I think it's important to specify what your priorities are and different, if any, ways those priorities can be met. 

Edited February 20, 2019 by Homeschool Mom in AZ

[KungFuPanda]

How long will your finances be crippled if you go? If your lifestyle remains largely unchanged, and you’re exactly where you would be in a year’s time, I’d go. The memories last forever and how many trips do you get with your mom?

We once bit the bullet and attended a destination wedding at a time we really couldn’t afford it. I’m so glad we had that experience. We were able to recover the money. Recovering a missed experience is impossible. 

[Bluegoat]

I can see finding that quite expensive - I've done vacations for a week for less than that!  But it does sound like it could be really very nice, and if you actually have the money, I might do it.  Sometimes it is ok to spend more.

I would though not count on seeing a lot of the friend, and if that would be an issue for how I felt about it, maybe not go after all.

You have also probably thought about it, but are there other options besides hotels that might be cheaper?  

[Janeway]

I said I would not. So, I declined the invitation about ten years ago. Ever since, I regretted not going. I am such a terrible person. I feel awful about it. In my case, it was the only daughter of dear friends that I have known since I was a toddler. I am very close to these friends. I wish I had just gone.