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Scarlett

Ugh help

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14 minutes ago, katilac said:

 

The age disparity and her being a minor does not equate to pedophilia. Pedophilia is specifically about sexual attraction to prepubescent children, which means pedophile is the wrong word even if the minor is question is only 14 or 15. 

Parents, guardians, and the courts can and do sign contracts on behalf of minors in various circumstances. That's why minors can appear on television shows and publish books: someone signed a contract on their behalf that is enforceable in court. Good or bad, it is not limited to minors getting married. 

I think we do disagree on some fundamentals of minors getting married. I think it's usually quite a bad idea for a 17-yr-old to get married these days, but I don't have the moral qualms about it that I would if one of the participants were 12 or 15. I do know a fair number of people who married at that age and did just fine; overall, the track record is no worse than any other age group ime. Maturity is a continuum to me, there is no magical different between 2 months from 18 and 18. Some homes situations are so bad or just devoid of opportunity that a 17-yr-old with few resources actually is better off getting married than staying home. Our country simply does not have a strong safety net for kids and teens (or, y'know, anyone else, but particularly kids and teens). We can and should work to change that, but it is a current fact that is not going to be changed by not attending a 17-yr-old's wedding. 

Marriage contracts are unique and not the same as other contract parents might have to involve themselves in. I can't think of any scenario where it's good for a 17 year old to get married.  It's always completely necessary. The equivalence to pedophilia is about the power differential that absolutely exists in a 17 year old marrying a man 10 years older.

While there may not be a magical difference between 2 months from 18 and 18, we have laws that set a clear boundary between childhood and adulthood and there's no valid reason to make exceptions before adulthood.  None. It's an antiqauted law that was used to shield pregnant girls from the horrible social consequences of out of wedlock births.  That's not reality anymore.

Social norms are different than laws. The reason this isn't changing fast enough in the legislature is because these social norms are being supported in social situations. Think about the Civil Rights Movement.  Government is downstream of society.  If you want to see change at that level, you have start making social change in your life. So no, if one person chooses not to attend it won't change the laws, but if we have most people choosing not to attend child bride marriages the spineless politicians would be far more inclined to support legislation that outlaw child marriages.  Spines are essential for bringing about change. 

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He believes the groom is creepy for wanting to marry such a young girl.  And he believes the groom is lazy and has no job skills and therefore shouldn’t be getting married.  He is not alone in those feelings.  Most of his friends feel the same way.

 

Quote

 

My son is very much a black and white thinker.  I told him if he doesn’t want to go, don’t go.  But that this hard nosed thinking won’t serve him well in life.  

 

I’m a bit concerned about your supportiveness of your own son’s thought processes.  

I don’t think you should avoid the wedding just because he wants you to avoid it.

But it is possible that your son and his friends are correct about the groom.  Not just black / white hard nosed thinkers.

it might be more potentially helpful if he were to share his concerns with the bride while there’s still time for her to reconsider her decision.  

I know some people who say that no one told them they thought they were making a bad marriage mistake, and wish people who had thought so would have spoken up before hand.

Is @Hunter who used to post here still around? She had written that she was a child bride to someone who turned out to be abusive, and might have a helpful perspective to offer.

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15 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I am halfway between the two previous responses.  

It is so very very messy.  The girl is a year younger than my son and at one time so madly in love with him I was sure they would eventually marry. Then she met a ‘man’ 10 years older than her and suddenly they are dating and then quickly engaged.  So she is 17...almost 18 but her parents will have to sign...I do not agree with this match in the slightest.  Bit it is not immoral or illegal so I am hesitant to boycott it. 

 

3 hours ago, Scarlett said:

The girl is not his ex. And I don’t believe he has romantic feelings for her. He feels exactly the same way about another couple (underage girl, mid 20s man). He thinks it is sick and that the men are pedophiles) both of these girls had young girl crushes on my son...I don’t remember saying I thought they would get married...but shrug—-I think it could have eventually happened—either girl— but that is not the issue here. 

 

I think this is the reason for some of the confusion in the answers in this thread.

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1 hour ago, katilac said:

 

Sure, but I don't know why one would assume that she is not close to the girl any more than they would assume that she is. 

True, we are all making assumptions based on our own reading of the OP and followup.  I certainly  made my own wrong assumptions, based on this:

   

 at one time so madly in love with him I was sure they would eventually marry.

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1 minute ago, marbel said:

True, we are all making assumptions based on our own reading of the OP and followup.  I certainly  made my own wrong assumptions, based on this:

 

 

Same here. 🙂

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35 minutes ago, Storygirl said:

 

I think this is the reason for some of the confusion in the answers in this thread.

Oh ha, yes I see now I did say that.  That is what I get for posting late at night.  Well I do think some people thought it was a possibllity for the future but by the time she started dating this man ds was already interested in his current girlfriend.  But they had stayed friends...all of them doing things together etc.  

it is really difficult to,describe social circles I think.  None of us were saying ‘ oh how cute I bet they get married’ but we could see the crush and we would raise our eyebrows to each other and go hmm.  But as we know many young crushes go no where so we weren’t upset or even surprised that this one did not either.  

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2 hours ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

And we fundamentally disagree on how serious a moral issue child brides are. It doesn't pass the consenting adults test which all legal contracts should and the age disparity is equivalent to pedophilia since a minor is involved.   No, I won't smile along with that kind of stuff that has such a terrible affect on children just so everyone else in the community feels emotionally comfortable in a tragic social event. 

It is not pedophilia. I have to constantly correct ds on that.  And although I do believe this girl is too young, it is just as much about him not being mature enough.    But I don’t believe the day of the wedding is the time to express my disapproval.  

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1 hour ago, Pen said:

 

 

 

I’m a bit concerned about your supportiveness of your own son’s thought processes.  

I don’t think you should avoid the wedding just because he wants you to avoid it.

But it is possible that your son and his friends are correct about the groom.  Not just black / white hard nosed thinkers.

it might be more potentially helpful if he were to share his concerns with the bride while there’s still time for her to reconsider her decision.  

I know some people who say that no one told them they thought they were making a bad marriage mistake, and wish people who had thought so would have spoken up before hand.

Is @Hunter who used to post here still around? She had written that she was a child bride to someone who turned out to be abusive, and might have a helpful perspective to offer.

I don’t understand...you are concerned about my supportiveness?  Not sure what that means.  We have had probably 100 conversations about this.  I have tried to reason it out with him....that some decisions are WRONG for everyone and some are unwise and some are just personal choices.  And that this group of people ( parents, bride and groom) are making a decision majority of people think is unwise, but it is their decision to make.  

As far as whether he goes or not I have told him if he doesn’t want to go don’t go.  But that it would be a kindness to go.  And even at one point he told me he was torn because the girl is his friend and she hasn’t done anything wrong but then before the conversation was over he was back to saying it was sooooo wrong he couldn’t support it.  I seriously am about to pull my hair out over this kid of mine.  Lol...

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19 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I don’t understand...you are concerned about my supportiveness?  Not sure what that means.  We have had probably 100 conversations about this.  I have tried to reason it out with him....that some decisions are WRONG for everyone and some are unwise and some are just personal choices.  And that this group of people ( parents, bride and groom) are making a decision majority of people think is unwise, but it is their decision to make.  

As far as whether he goes or not I have told him if he doesn’t want to go don’t go.  But that it would be a kindness to go.  And even at one point he told me he was torn because the girl is his friend and she hasn’t done anything wrong but then before the conversation was over he was back to saying it was sooooo wrong he couldn’t support it.  I seriously am about to pull my hair out over this kid of mine.  Lol...

 

I’m not sure why your ds is so concerned about this girl getting married so young, when it seems like he is planning to marry his current girlfriend and he’s still a teenager himself. Granted, he’s 19 now (I think! I know he’s about the same age as my ds,) but he’s in school and isn’t exactly in a position to support a wife, either.

Is it really all about the other guy’s age? Or does your ds simply dislike the guy? Normally, that wouldn’t seem like a big deal, but it sounds like your ds is not alone in disliking the guy — the general concensus among the whole group of friends seems to disapprove of him, right? Maybe they have good reason to not trust him, and it may be more of a personality issue than it is about his age or his financial status.

If the guy can’t afford to support a wife, where will the couple live after they get married?

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3 hours ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

I don't think it's kind to make the bride feel better in the moment.  I think the kind thing to do is to obviously disapprove.  It may be uncomfortable and tearful or everyone involved, but it's the kind thing to do in the long run. Like refusing to laugh along with a racist joke. Girls need a world where their clueless mothers know you won't get anyone to show up for a child bride wedding.

It's not like the girl is going to change her mind based on Scarlett's opinion.  I have to completely disagree with you here.

I also don't agree that it is horrible for a 17yo to get married.  Maybe because my mom was 17 when she got married, and it actually improved her situation.  The Lord works in mysterious ways.

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3 hours ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

And we fundamentally disagree on how serious a moral issue child brides are. It doesn't pass the consenting adults test which all legal contracts should and the age disparity is equivalent to pedophilia since a minor is involved.   No, I won't smile along with that kind of stuff that has such a terrible affect on children just so everyone else in the community feels emotionally comfortable in a tragic social event. 

You are the first person I ever heard refer to a 17yo as a "child bride."

Child brides are much younger and are being forced to marry.  Treating that issue as comparable to a 17yo who wants to marry her sweetheart trivializes a very serious human rights issue.

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And 10 years is not that rare of an age difference.  My grandparents were 20 years apart in age, very much in love to the end.  Laura and Almanzo Wilder were 10 years apart.  Celine Dion at 18yo married her manager who was 52 and twice divorced (and they stayed married until his death 22 years later).  These just come quickly to mind.

I feel like some people are making a mountain out of a molehill here.

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42 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

 

I’m not sure why your ds is so concerned about this girl getting married so young, when it seems like he is planning to marry his current girlfriend and he’s still a teenager himself. Granted, he’s 19 now (I think! I know he’s about the same age as my ds,) but he’s in school and isn’t exactly in a position to support a wife, either.

Is it really all about the other guy’s age? Or does your ds simply dislike the guy? Normally, that wouldn’t seem like a big deal, but it sounds like your ds is not alone in disliking the guy — the general concensus among the whole group of friends seems to disapprove of him, right? Maybe they have good reason to not trust him, and it may be more of a personality issue than it is about his age or his financial status.

If the guy can’t afford to support a wife, where will the couple live after they get married?

Well I don’t think  my son is completely rational about his dislike of this situation.  He thinks it is creepy that a 25 year old is interested in a  16 year old ( their ages when they started dating) he thinks it is crazy her parents are allowing this when he doesn’t have a place to live.  And he just in general doesn’t like the guy.

Many people agree that he is not yet husband material.  But again this all comes down to it is their choice and not ours.  

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2 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Well I don’t think  my son is completely rational about his dislike of this situation.  He thinks it is creepy that a 25 year old is interested in a  16 year old ( their ages when they started dating) he thinks it is crazy her parents are allowing this when he doesn’t have a place to live.  And he just in general doesn’t like the guy.

Many people agree that he is not yet husband material.  But again this all comes down to it is their choice and not ours.  

It is not irrational to find it creepy that a 25 yr old is interested in a 16 yr old.  People go to jail for that sort of thing, and there's a reason for that.  

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3 hours ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

 The equivalence to pedophilia is about the power differential that absolutely exists in a 17 year old marrying a man 10 years older.

While there may not be a magical difference between 2 months from 18 and 18, we have laws that set a clear boundary between childhood and adulthood and there's no valid reason to make exceptions before adulthood.   

 

But a power differential is not what pedophilia is or what it is about, you cannot add up various differing circumstances and have them equate to pedophilia. Whether or not you personally regard them as equally immoral, they are not the same thing at all. 

We actually do not, as a country, have laws that set a crystal clear boundary between childhood and adulthood. The age of majority simply means the age at which a person is considered an adult. The actual rights and responsibilities of being an adult are decided by each state, and exceptions abound. 

The typical age of majority is 18 but it's 19 in a couple of states and every state has a process for minors to be emancipated. 

17-yr-olds can join the military with parental consent. That contract is harder to get out of and more dangerous than getting married. 

20-yr-old adults cannot purchase alcohol. Their rights to consume it vary state by state. 

In some places you can buy and use tobacco at 18, in other places not till 21. 

The age to give medical consent varies from 14 to 18. All states have either certain exceptions or a process to get approval for certain exceptions. 

In some states, a minor can buy health or life insurance; in others they can't . . . unless they have a child, in which case they usually can. 

With consent of guardians and/or courts, minors can enter into binding contracts for professional work. They can also enter lawsuits. 

It is simply not as clear cut as this person is a minor, and this person is an adult. 

Edited by katilac
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16 is the age of consent in most US states for a reason.

25 is not that old for a guy.

Now he may be a creep.  The fact that he doesn't have a good job is concerning, though I don't think it is actually that unusual nowadays for a 25yo. 

I sincerely hope he turns out better than everyone expects him to be, as this is apparently going forward in any case.

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11 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

It is not irrational to find it creepy that a 25 yr old is interested in a 16 yr old.  People go to jail for that sort of thing, and there's a reason for that.  

 

To be precise, adults go to jail for having sex with partners under the age of consent, not for being interested in them or dating them. We don't know if they've had sex or not, and we don't know the age of consent. 

Edited by katilac
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3 minutes ago, katilac said:

 

 

To be precise, adults go to jail for having sex with partners under the age of consent, not for being interested in them or dating them. We don't know if they've had sex or not. 

Yes, that's the more precise version for sure, that's what people go to jail for.  But, we created laws that send people to jail for that sort of thing because we, as a society, find it detrimental for 25yr olds to get into relationships (sex or not) with 16 yr olds.  Statistically, it generally works out badly for the younger person in the relationship....and that younger person is often female.  

Therefore, I think it's 100% rational for someone to find it creepy for a 25 yr old to be interested in a 16yr old.  

 

For me, the problem isn't so much the age difference, it's how young she was at the beginning of the relationship.  My DH is 7.5 yrs older than me.  But I was 22 when we met.  The maturity of a 22 yr old is VERY different than the maturity of a 16 yr old.  

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Just now, happysmileylady said:

Yes, that's the more precise version for sure, that's what people go to jail for.  But, we created laws that send people to jail for that sort of thing because we, as a society, find it detrimental for 25yr olds to get into relationships (sex or not) with 16 yr olds.  Statistically, it generally works out badly for the younger person in the relationship....and that younger person is often female.  

Therefore, I think it's 100% rational for someone to find it creepy for a 25 yr old to be interested in a 16yr old.  

 

For me, the problem isn't so much the age difference, it's how young she was at the beginning of the relationship.  My DH is 7.5 yrs older than me.  But I was 22 when we met.  The maturity of a 22 yr old is VERY different than the maturity of a 16 yr old.  

 

I'm not arguing the creepiness of it, but our laws actually do not send people to jail for having sex with a 16-yr-old in the majority of states. Because that's the age of consent in 64% of states (32). 

States that set the age of consent at 17 or 18 often have close-in-age exemptions, aka Romeo and Juliet exemptions. And close-in-age is not always as close as you might imagine. In Delaware, for example, the general age of consent is 18 but 16- and 17-yr-olds are able to consent to anyone under 30. 

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31 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

It is not irrational to find it creepy that a 25 yr old is interested in a 16 yr old.  People go to jail for that sort of thing, and there's a reason for that.  

Go to jail? On what charge?

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34 minutes ago, katilac said:

 

But a power differential is not what pedophilia is or what it is about, you cannot add up various differing circumstances and have them equate to pedophilia. Whether or not you personally regard them as equally immoral, they are not the same thing at all. 

We actually do not, as a country, have laws that set a crystal clear boundary between childhood and adulthood. The age of majority simply means the age at which a person is considered an adult. The actual rights and responsibilities of being an adult are decided by each state, and exceptions abound. 

The typical age of majority is 18 but it's 19 in a couple of states and every state has a process for minors to be emancipated. 

17-yr-olds can join the military with parental consent. That contract is harder to get out of and more dangerous than getting married. 

20-yr-old adults cannot purchase alcohol. Their rights to consume it vary state by state. 

In some places you can buy and use tobacco at 18, in other places not till 21. 

The age to give medical consent varies from 14 to 18. All states have either certain exceptions or a process to get approval for certain exceptions. 

In some states, a minor can buy health or life insurance; in others they can't . . . unless they have a child, in which case they usually can. 

With consent of guardians and/or courts, minors can enter into binding contracts for professional work. They can also enter lawsuits. 

It is simply not as clear cut as this person is a minor, and this person is an adult. 

 

 

 

 

Excellent post and good points.  

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2 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Go to jail? On what charge?

Depends on the state and what exactly happened.  I am not suggesting what may or may not have happened in this particular case.  I said "for that sort of thing" which could encompass any number of "things" that happen in a relationship that obviously involves sexual attraction.  But again what "sort of thing" we might be discussing is going to depend on the state.

 

And the fact that it DOES depend on the state means that as a society, we are still trying to figure out when our kids are kids and our adults are adults.  And finding an age difference of 16/26 to be creepy isn't irrational.  

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1 minute ago, happysmileylady said:

 And the fact that it DOES depend on the state means that as a society, we are still trying to figure out when our kids are kids and our adults are adults.  And finding an age difference of 16/26 to be creepy isn't irrational.  

 

I don't think anyone said it was? 

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19 minutes ago, katilac said:

 

I'm not arguing the creepiness of it, but our laws actually do not send people to jail for having sex with a 16-yr-old in the majority of states. Because that's the age of consent in 64% of states (32). 

States that set the age of consent at 17 or 18 often have close-in-age exemptions, aka Romeo and Juliet exemptions. And close-in-age is not always as close as you might imagine. In Delaware, for example, the general age of consent is 18 but 16- and 17-yr-olds are able to consent to anyone under 30. 

That "close in age" exemption might very well make the difference depending on the state.

 

But I am specifically discussing the creepiness.  I think the fact that there actually ARE states and situations where any sexual relationship (even if no intercourse) is illegal, to ME, means that it's not unreasonable to consider that sort of relationship creepy.  Enough people have considered it creepy to make it illegal depending on situation.  The OP said she didn't think her son is completely rational.  I disagree.  

 

 

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3 minutes ago, katilac said:

 

I don't think anyone said it was? 

The OP said she didn't think her son was completely rational and then immediately listed that her son think's its creepy.  I disagree that finding such an age differential creepy is not rational.  

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42 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Well I don’t think  my son is completely rational about his dislike of this situation.  He thinks it is creepy that a 25 year old is interested in a  16 year old ( their ages when they started dating) he thinks it is crazy her parents are allowing this when he doesn’t have a place to live.  And he just in general doesn’t like the guy.

Many people agree that he is not yet husband material.  But again this all comes down to it is their choice and not ours.  

 

How did she meet the guy? Was he part of a larger group of friends and the attraction between them happened over time? If he’s immature for his age and she is mature for her age, I could see how a relationship could develop.

When you say the guy doesn’t have a place to live, does that mean he lives at home with his parents or in an apartment with roommates? I’m assuming he doesn’t live in a cardboard box under the bridge, so I’m guessing your son means the guy doesn’t have a place that’s all his own.

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1 minute ago, happysmileylady said:

The OP said she didn't think her son was completely rational and then immediately listed that her son think's its creepy.  I disagree that finding such an age differential creepy is not rational.  

 

Ah, got it. 

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1 minute ago, happysmileylady said:

Depends on the state and what exactly happened.  I am not suggesting what may or may not have happened in this particular case.  I said "for that sort of thing" which could encompass any number of "things" that happen in a relationship that obviously involves sexual attraction.  But again what "sort of thing" we might be discussing is going to depend on the state.

 

And the fact that it DOES depend on the state means that as a society, we are still trying to figure out when our kids are kids and our adults are adults.  And finding an age difference of 16/26 to be creepy isn't irrational.  

I think it very much varies by the people involved.  And it was 16/25 but now a year later it is 17and 3/4 and 26. If he was some sort of domineering powerhouse I would think it is creepy.  As it is he has the maturity level of a 17 year old so it doesn’t seem as creepy to me.  However, that also means I think they are both too young to get married. My own son doesn’t really have the life experience to gauge all of that...he has a gut dislike of the guy....as do many people.  Not that he is so bad or mean or anything....he is just Peter Pan.  

So it isn’t just the 17/26 age thing that I was saying ds is irrational about.....it is the whole situation.  But that is ok, he can feel how he feels,about that. And do what he thinks is best.  As will I.  

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1 minute ago, happysmileylady said:

The OP said she didn't think her son was completely rational and then immediately listed that her son think's its creepy.  I disagree that finding such an age differential creepy is not rational.  

 

I’m not being argumentative here; I’m just curious. At what point does a 9 year age gap become not creepy?

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2 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

 

I’m not being argumentative here; I’m just curious. At what point does a 9 year age gap become not creepy?

I would say when the younger person is late 20s.  So, lets say 25 and 34 yrs old.  At that point, IMO, we are talking about a very similar level of maturity.

 

I was 22 when I met DH, he just turned 30 the day of our first date.  It was weird enough that everyone around me freaked out.  If my DD23 met a 32 yr old and was serious.....it would give me pause.    Creepy?  I dunno, maybe that is extreme.

 

So maybe I am thinking mid 20s?

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In many states I believe this would be statutory rape.  Although the age of consent in many places is 16, for those under 18 their partner cannot be more than 4 years older.  I'm not sure of the laws in your state.

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3 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

 

How did she meet the guy? Was he part of a larger group of friends and the attraction between them happened over time? If he’s immature for his age and she is mature for her age, I could see how a relationship could develop.

When you say the guy doesn’t have a place to live, does that mean he lives at home with his parents or in an apartment with roommates? I’m assuming he doesn’t live in a cardboard box under the bridge, so I’m guessing your son means the guy doesn’t have a place that’s all his own.

Yes they did meet as part of a larger social group.  And yes my assessment is he is very immature so their ages match in that way.  I don’t think she is more mature than an almost 18 year old.....but she is fine.  And hopefully he will will get fine as he grows up.  I do hope for the best for them.  

His parents made him move out....and although I don’t know them personally I hear they are good people who are completely baffled as to why he won’t grow up.  Instead of getting full time work and getting an apt he has moved in with an elderly couple in our congregation.  It was suppose to be for a few weeks and he has been there 6 months.  

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1 minute ago, Library Momma said:

In many states I believe this would be statutory rape.  Although the age of consent in many places is 16, for those under 18 their partner cannot be more than 4 years older.  I'm not sure of the laws in your state.

Rape? To the best of my knowledge they aren’t having sex so that wasn’t what this conversation was about.  They are 100% chaperoned.

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1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

Yes they did meet as part of a larger social group.  And yes my assessment is he is very immature so their ages match in that way.  I don’t think she is more mature than an almost 18 year old.....but she is fine.  And hopefully he will will get fine as he grows up.  I do hope for the best for them.  

His parents made him move out....and although I don’t know them personally I hear they are good people who are completely baffled as to why he won’t grow up.  Instead of getting full time work and getting an apt he has moved in with an elderly couple in our congregation.  It was suppose to be for a few weeks and he has been there 6 months.  

 

Right now, I’m a whole lot less concerned about his age than I am about his tendency to be a freeloader. Does he have a full time job?

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10 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

 

I’m not being argumentative here; I’m just curious. At what point does a 9 year age gap become not creepy?

That is the question I asked my son.  Two of his closest friends married at 19/29. He doesn’t think that is creepy in the slightest.  This is what I mean by him not being completely rational about it.  

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1 minute ago, Catwoman said:

 

Right now, I’m a whole lot less concerned about his age than I am about his tendency to be a freeloader. Does he have a full time job?

Nope.  

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7 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

I would say when the younger person is late 20s.  So, lets say 25 and 34 yrs old.  At that point, IMO, we are talking about a very similar level of maturity.

 

I was 22 when I met DH, he just turned 30 the day of our first date.  It was weird enough that everyone around me freaked out.  If my DD23 met a 32 yr old and was serious.....it would give me pause.    Creepy?  I dunno, maybe that is extreme.

 

So maybe I am thinking mid 20s?

 

I always dated guys who were a lot older than me, so I’m not getting the same creepy vibe you are. 🙂

But the fact that the guy got booted out of his parents’ house and he moved in with an elderly couple in the congregation instead of getting a job and his own apartment is a serious concern! 

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1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

That is the question I asked my son.  Two of his closest friends married at 19/29. He doesn’t think that is creepy in the slightest.  This is what I mean by him not being completely rational about it.  

 

I’ll bet your son would feel better about it if the guy had a job and his own house or apartment.

Frankly, the guy sounds like a loser. I understand your son’s concern for his friend.

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2 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Nope.  

 

What is wrong with her parents??? Why aren’t they telling the guy to get off his lazy butt and get a job, or there is no way he’s marrying their daughter???

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Just now, Catwoman said:

 

I’ll bet your son would feel better about it if the guy had a job and his own house or apartment.

Frankly, the guy sounds like a loser. I understand your son’s concern for his friend.

Yeah, it is like watching a train wreck.  He did have a steady job when they actually got engaged.  But hasn’t worked but a few days since December.  And has no sense of urgency about it.  

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Just now, Catwoman said:

 

What is wrong with her parents??? Why aren’t they telling the guy to get off his lazy butt and get a job, or there is no way he’s marrying their daughter???

Exactly.  I have no idea what the heck any of them are thinking.  His parents have expressed similar concerns as to what you just posted..

and I have first hand knowledge he was offered work with a contractor friend of ours and he turned it down while he was completely unemployed. 

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1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

Yeah, it is like watching a train wreck.  He did have a steady job when they actually got engaged.  But hasn’t worked but a few days since December.  And has no sense of urgency about it.  

 

That doesn’t bode well for the future. I wish someone could convince the girl to postpone the wedding until the guy is secure in some kind of job.

Did he go to college? Do you know what kind of work he is trained to do?

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Just now, Catwoman said:

 

That doesn’t bode well for the future. I wish someone could convince the girl to postpone the wedding until the guy is secure in some kind of job.

Did he go to college? Do you know what kind of work he is trained to do?

He did not go to college.  But he is still capable of getting a job to support  them.  

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Just now, Scarlett said:

Exactly.  I have no idea what the heck any of them are thinking.  His parents have expressed similar concerns as to what you just posted..

and I have first hand knowledge he was offered work with a contractor friend of ours and he turned it down while he was completely unemployed. 

 

So basically, his parents are the sensible ones and her parents just... want to marry her off? I mean, I can’t think of any other reason why they would approve of this marriage.

This guy might have a heart of gold, but being a sweetheart of a guy doesn’t pay the bills.

I can picture the girl having to work long hours while he sits at home and pretends to look for a job.

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8 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

 

I always dated guys who were a lot older than me, so I’m not getting the same creepy vibe you are. 🙂

But the fact that the guy got booted out of his parents’ house and he moved in with an elderly couple in the congregation instead of getting a job and his own apartment is a serious concern! 

I am not specifically say I DO think it's creepy.

 

I am saying that it's not irrational to find it creepy.  The OP said her son wasn't thinking rationally and then followed specifically with the age difference.  I don't think her son is being irrational to find such a relationship creepy.

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Just now, Scarlett said:

He did not go to college.  But he is still capable of getting a job to support  them.  

 

Definitely.

I was just asking about college because I was thinking he might have just gotten his degree recently and not been able to find a good job yet. If he has been out of school since high school, and still doesn’t have a steady job after 8 years, that’s a pretty bad track record.

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1 minute ago, happysmileylady said:

I am not specifically say I DO think it's creepy.

 

I am saying that it's not irrational to find it creepy.  The OP said her son wasn't thinking rationally and then followed specifically with the age difference.  I don't think her son is being irrational to find such a relationship creepy.

 

That makes sense — sorry to have misunderstood you!  🙂

Nine or ten years can seem like an eternity when you’re 19, especially if you have always dated people close to your own age.

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1 minute ago, Catwoman said:

 

So basically, his parents are the sensible ones and her parents just... want to marry her off? I mean, I can’t think of any other reason why they would approve of this marriage.

This guy might have a heart of gold, but being a sweetheart of a guy doesn’t pay the bills.

I can picture the girl having to work long hours while he sits at home and pretends to look for a job.

Her current living conditions are very tight to say the least.  3 teens in a 6x 9 room. Tiny little trailer....like 600 sf.  If the trailer wasn’t so small I would definitely think he was just going to move in after the wedding.  But there is literally zero room for him there much less a newly wed couple!  And we are teasing the elderly couple he is freeloading off of that they need to get the spare room decorated for a newly wed couple.  They say no way is that happening, but it won’t surprise me if he suggests that before it is over. 

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Just now, Scarlett said:

Her current living conditions are very tight to say the least.  3 teens in a 6x 9 room. Tiny little trailer....like 600 sf.  If the trailer wasn’t so small I would definitely think he was just going to move in after the wedding.  But there is literally zero room for him there much less a newly wed couple!  And we are teasing the elderly couple he is freeloading off of that they need to get the spare room decorated for a newly wed couple.  They say no way is that happening, but it won’t surprise me if he suggests that before it is over. 

 

I hate to say this because they are being so kind and generous, but the elderly couple isn’t doing that guy any favors by continuing to let him live with them. 

It’s very troubling that he doesn’t feel guilty or awkward about it, and even worse that he’s not flipping burgers somewhere just so he can pay them a little rent each month. He should be ashamed of himself!

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