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The way to Not contact someone on 23 and Me or similar sites...

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I ordered 23 and Me kits for my daughters with health issues.DD20 is my bio-daughter and dd12 is my great-niece (my sister's, daughter's, daughter) I have them both set up for email contact but almost all of their data is not viewable to the general public. I don't mind contact from my side of the family but don't know much about dd12's paternal side, so I don't want to open that door.

I get an email a few weeks ago from someone I don't know and who doesn't share family with my relatives, so I assume it is on a paternal side in the family tree. They say they have lots of genealogy information and would like to share it. I ignored the email.  Then the other day I get this message "Could you be illegitimate the reason you do not want to contact me".    😕

Welllll....lets see. Haha. That is one way to try to encourage someone to share information with you! LOL.  This person got blocked. Oi!

ETA:    BTW....nope not illegitimate, we know at least 2 generations of fathers ......or do we????? LOL

 

Edited by Tap
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Well!  LOL! 

I have had several people contact me regarding myself and my daughters.  I have not responded (and none of them contacted me again.)  If I got a message from say a first cousin, I would probably respond.

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blink blink blink…

 

why, do you have an illegitimate child out there you're trying to contact?

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I definitely think they approached you all wrong, but may I ask why you don't respond to other genealogy researchers?  I have a few "brick walls" in my family tree that I can't get past because there isn't any documentation available online to move me further along in my research.  I keep hoping that one day, someone will load a developed family tree and I can finally figure out where my great great great grandfather, Valentine Reiss, came from in Prussia, so I can find the names of his parents.  You'd think with a name like "Valentine", he'd be easy to find, but no.  😕  Every February, I try again to get some more information about him.  I got lucky one year and a kind person on ancestry had loaded a photo of him! But now we are both stuck at the same point in our research. 😕 

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27 minutes ago, MissLemon said:

I definitely think they approached you all wrong, but may I ask why you don't respond to other genealogy researchers?  I have a few "brick walls" in my family tree that I can't get past because there isn't any documentation available online to move me further along in my research.  I keep hoping that one day, someone will load a developed family tree and I can finally figure out where my great great great grandfather, Valentine Reiss, came from in Prussia, so I can find the names of his parents.  You'd think with a name like "Valentine", he'd be easy to find, but no.  😕  Every February, I try again to get some more information about him.  I got lucky one year and a kind person on ancestry had loaded a photo of him! But now we are both stuck at the same point in our research. 😕 

I don't respond because it sounds like there are some unknown/unsavory people in the patriatrical line.  I did it for health reasons, not geneology. We have zero information to add to the father's ancestry information, other than the fact that she exists (so only information going younger, not older). Her genealogy on her father's side, is her story to share or hold private. I won't disclose that information without her adult-age permission.  I assume the people we have been told are the fathers, are actually the fathers. I have no idea if there are any secrets on that side of the family, and if there are, it isn't any of my business. LOL 

My mom's cousin is heavy into genealogy, so the maternal line is already all over the internet. There is no privacy to protect on that side of the family. 

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1 hour ago, MissLemon said:

I definitely think they approached you all wrong, but may I ask why you don't respond to other genealogy researchers?  I have a few "brick walls" in my family tree that I can't get past because there isn't any documentation available online to move me further along in my research.  I keep hoping that one day, someone will load a developed family tree and I can finally figure out where my great great great grandfather, Valentine Reiss, came from in Prussia, so I can find the names of his parents.  You'd think with a name like "Valentine", he'd be easy to find, but no.  😕  Every February, I try again to get some more information about him.  I got lucky one year and a kind person on ancestry had loaded a photo of him! But now we are both stuck at the same point in our research. 😕 

I had one of these (1800's)... one reason i did the DNA...  what I learned, it's an even bigger mess than I ever could have dreamed of...

my other blockage... I had someone contact me with all sorts of information, but I'm skeptical ...

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I'm surprised that my grandma does not have some half siblings out there.  Her father was MIA in Russia (or Poland) for awhile during WWI.  The story goes that he was sick/injured and a Russian woman pulled him off a pile of dead that she was robbing.  She realized he was still alive and nursed him back to health, and he just kind of...hung around for a year or two "getting his strength back" and working on her property to "pay her back". 🙄

It's a fantastic story and I'm sure there's some truth in there, but it's also the sort of "Big Fish" style tale that my family tells, where everyone is a hero that meets colorful characters and nothing unsavory ever happens.  

I'll update when/if a Russian or Polish distant cousin ever pops up, wondering how we're related. 😉 

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We've recently had a bad situation in our family. My cousin, who was determined to find a baby her mother had given up for adoption several years before she herself was born, did the DNA thing with contact information. There is a lot to the story that I don't feel comfortable relating here, suffice it to say, the details are such that going and looking for this stranger was VERY VERY unwise. The consequence of which has been a family terrorized by an unstable, stalker who is in fact a biological relative, but would never known about them or where to find them if cousin had been willing to listen to reason.

Strangers are just that. Strangers. DNA means nothing. Really. It isn't always unicorns and rainbows. So please everyone who is doing this to find blood relations or for genealogy, watch out. Think carefully before giving any identifying information, any contact information.

OP, I don't blame you at all for refusing to give up information to this person. Who really knows what kind of human is on the other end?

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2 hours ago, Faith-manor said:

We've recently had a bad situation in our family. My cousin, who was determined to find a baby her mother had given up for adoption several years before she herself was born, did the DNA thing with contact information. There is a lot to the story that I don't feel comfortable relating here, suffice it to say, the details are such that going and looking for this stranger was VERY VERY unwise. The consequence of which has been a family terrorized by an unstable, stalker who is in fact a biological relative, but would never known about them or where to find them if cousin had been willing to listen to reason.

Strangers are just that. Strangers. DNA means nothing. Really. It isn't always unicorns and rainbows. So please everyone who is doing this to find blood relations or for genealogy, watch out. Think carefully before giving any identifying information, any contact information.

OP, I don't blame you at all for refusing to give up information to this person. Who really knows what kind of human is on the other end?

Unfortunately there are unstable people everywhere.  Most dna reunion stories don’t end in terror....some end nicely with decent relationships, others end in heartbreak because a bio parent refuses to speak to the child they gave up....but I would guess fewer stories end up as true terror.  

No one has to give out their  information and if they are found they can say ‘ go away’.  

And dna does mean something.  Not everything...and of course as evidenced by this board over the years many of the people we were raised with require no contact for various reasons. But knowing our beginnings is very important to a great number of people.  

I don’t blame Tap for withholding her child’s info until the child is of age and wants to find her bio father or his family.  But it isn’t really that weird that people want to find their bio families.  

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Why don't I respond to contacts in 23andme?  I did not sign up to do geneology.  I signed up to learn more about the biological heritage of my immediate family members.  I am not into geneology at all.  It used to interest me a bit, but being an adoptive mom, it feels kind of lame to give importance to a legacy my kids don't share.

And I don't have time for a new relationship of any kind.  Not even to meet my newly found 2nd cousin for coffee.  I'm sorry.

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1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

And dna does mean something.  Not everything...and of course as evidenced by this board over the years many of the people we were raised with require no contact for various reasons. But knowing our beginnings is very important to a great number of people.  

I don’t blame Tap for withholding her child’s info until the child is of age and wants to find her bio father or his family.  

But it isn’t really that weird that people want to find their bio families.  

 

Annnnnd, equally important - it isn't really that weird that people want to be left alone - enjoying their families as-they-know-them, DNA-be-damned. 😄 

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8 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Unfortunately there are unstable people everywhere.  Most dna reunion stories don’t end in terror....some end nicely with decent relationships, others end in heartbreak because a bio parent refuses to speak to the child they gave up....but I would guess fewer stories end up as true terror.  

No one has to give out their  information and if they are found they can say ‘ go away’.  

And dna does mean something.  Not everything...and of course as evidenced by this board over the years many of the people we were raised with require no contact for various reasons. But knowing our beginnings is very important to a great number of people.  

I don’t blame Tap for withholding her child’s info until the child is of age and wants to find her bio father or his family.  But it isn’t really that weird that people want to find their bio families.  

 

7 hours ago, easypeasy said:

 

Annnnnd, equally important - it isn't really that weird that people want to be left alone - enjoying their families as-they-know-them, DNA-be-damned. 😄 

You might have missed the bolded in my post since you didn’t quote it. My point was most people seeking their family history aren’t to be feared. 

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7 hours ago, Scarlett said:

 

You might have missed the bolded in my post since you didn’t quote it. My point was most people seeking their family history aren’t to be feared. 

Also, many people aren't looking to join your family.  Most people just want a little information to further their research and will happily share info they have about shared ancestors. My 3rd grear grandfather Valentine has hundreds of descendants. I have no more claim to him than any other random cousin.  Just because I and the modern day "Rice/Reiss" family are related doesn't mean we are all going to start having Sunday dinner together, lol. 

It turns out that one of my grandma's cousins lives in my town.  I have zero contact with her, even though she and I also have a mutual friend.  She knows who I am and hides when she sees me in the store, lol. I want to say to her "Lady, I didn't move here to follow you! It was just a weird coincidence! Calm down!".  

Anyway, I don't think it is odd for people on ancestry or 23 and me to reach out to other people they match with.  That's one of the purposes of those sites, to help people connect and share info. 

Edited by MissLemon
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18 hours ago, MissLemon said:

I'm surprised that my grandma does not have some half siblings out there.  Her father was MIA in Russia (or Poland) for awhile during WWI.  The story goes that he was sick/injured and a Russian woman pulled him off a pile of dead that she was robbing.  She realized he was still alive and nursed him back to health, and he just kind of...hung around for a year or two "getting his strength back" and working on her property to "pay her back". 🙄

It's a fantastic story and I'm sure there's some truth in there, but it's also the sort of "Big Fish" style tale that my family tells, where everyone is a hero that meets colorful characters and nothing unsavory ever happens.  

I'll update when/if a Russian or Polish distant cousin ever pops up, wondering how we're related. 😉 

people in Russia and Poland aren't doing dna tests for fun, and rarely for need.  so  you may well have some half- relatives out there somewhere.

 

my biggest shocker was having someone pop up in Australia.  haven't quite unraveled that one yet, as there are only a very few matches in common. (a feature on ancestry, which I appreciate.  if i'm looking at a particular line, I can, usually, quickly rule out if someone is on a given line or not.)

 

I did both ancestry and 23&me because i had different reasons.  ancestry for genealogy, 23&me for health.  sure, many people aren't interested, many are - especially on ancestry since it is a genealogy site.

there are settings to make your information private on 23&me, you might want to look into that.  I have found 23&me better about guestimating relationships. while I have reached out to some near relatives, I haven't received replies. on ancestry - I have been much more likely to receive a reply. (and some who are quite enthusiastic about sharing. nothing inappropriate - just enthusiastic.)  again, the reason's people do those dna tests are different.   genealogy vs health.

 

eta: I take it back,  my biggest shocker was my maternal grandfather's cousin (same last name) - showing up on my father's side considering different states and social classes....  I have an idea how  

Edited by gardenmom5

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6 hours ago, Scarlett said:

 

You might have missed the bolded in my post since you didn’t quote it. My point was most people seeking their family history aren’t to be feared. 

You have obviously never been stalked or harassed. Some people don’t just “go away” when you tell them. It is a terrifying experience and you never quite feel safe in the world again. I sincerely hope it never happens to you or someone you love. Please understand some people have good reason to be wary.

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15 minutes ago, scholastica said:

You have obviously never been stalked or harassed. Some people don’t just “go away” when you tell them. It is a terrifying experience and you never quite feel safe in the world again. I sincerely hope it never happens to you or someone you love. Please understand some people have good reason to be wary.

I realize stalking and harrassment happen. But it happens across all areas of life. Including this board. 

I disagree that the possibilitity of a bad outcome is a reason to opt out of any discussion with a stranger. 

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12 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I realize stalking and harrassment happen. But it happens across all areas of life. Including this board. 

I disagree that the possibilitity of a bad outcome is a reason to opt out of any discussion with a stranger. 

yes stalking can happen anywhere, and by people with whom there was no prior contact.  you dont' have to have ever had contact with a stalker, they only need to have contact with you.

 

and someone not being interested in doing genealogy - from any standpoint, is reason enough to not have any contact with a stranger about genealogy.  and I do genealogy.  

adding on the guy's offensive comment is more than enough reason to not have contact.

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2 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

yes stalking can happen anywhere, and by people with whom there was no prior contact.  you dont' have to have ever had contact with a stalker, they only need to have contact with you.

 

and someone not being interested in doing genealogy - from any standpoint, is reason enough to not have any contact with a stranger about genealogy.  and I do genealogy.  

adding on the guy's offensive comment is more than enough reason to not have contact.

I agree no one needs to do genealogy if they don’t want too. And the comment was rude.... makes me think though that it could have been someone looking for that specific child. 

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