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opting out of "puberty" or sex-ed class


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My 5th grade son goes to a private day school on the West Coast. He has been very happy with almost all aspects of his new school this year; however, I have come to learn that soon all 5th graders will be taught "puberty" material that are quite explicit and detailed beyond the comfort level of our family. We are a Christian family holding onto "abstinence until marriage" viewpoint.

I am just wondering how other families might have handled a situation like this. If at all possible, I would like him to opt out of the class when they go over such material.

My son and I recently attended a 4.5 hr "puberty" class held by a university hospital in our area, and I believe this class has provided sufficient factual information re human development, reproduction, etc for a preadolescent kid like my son.

Would greatly appreciate hearing about your experience or suggestions that you may have.  Thank you very much in advance!

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I'd suggest having him attend, and debriefing the materials with him at home.

If you opt him out, his classmates will have a shared vocabulary that he won't. That can lead to other problems. You've already covered the basics of intercourse and reproduction, right? So he won't be learning much new  biology, but it'll be the social stuff? He needs to know what his peers know so that he can navigate the social circles at school without stopping in unexpected landmines.

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22 minutes ago, Kiara.I said:

I'd suggest having him attend, and debriefing the materials with him at home.

If you opt him out, his classmates will have a shared vocabulary that he won't. That can lead to other problems. You've already covered the basics of intercourse and reproduction, right? So he won't be learning much new  biology, but it'll be the social stuff? He needs to know what his peers know so that he can navigate the social circles at school without stopping in unexpected landmines.

Very good point.

 

I'd ask the teacher for the materials in advance, and be able to explain to your kid (preferably before the school teaches it) that xyz is something that a lot of people in our community think is ok, but our values teach that xyz is not ok to do, or not ok to joke about (I think it's probably pretty likely that whatever happens in that class will lead to much immature joking on the subject for days, weeks, years after.)

 

We strongly believe in abstinence only before marriage but you can bet that we will also be teaching our kids the scientific facts (as opposed to fear-mongering 'facts') regarding STDs and pregnancy risk, as well as about contraception/protection.

 

 

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Without knowing the details of what this class covers I will simply point out that both studies and my experience back up the idea that students who are taught more facts tend to be less sexually active at a young age and also are more likely to be prepared to be safe if they do end up having sex. 10 or 11 sounds early, but it's not as early as all that - and we certainly tell kids a lot of stuff which is even less likely to come in handy for an even longer period of time!

I don't think that simply learning more information is at all in conflict with you teaching your values. He can learn what sex is and how to prevent disease and/or pregnancy while also being taught, at home, why you think it's better to wait until marriage before doing this.

Edited by Tanaqui
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When this came up for my kids, I asked to see the materials, and was sent a copy of the video they would watch.  (In our school, there was a different video for girls vs. boys.)  I found links on youtube to the boy and girl videos, watched both, and told my kids in advance what they would see.  I also told them what the boys were going to see, as I figured there might be some discussion among the kids afterwards.

What are the parts you consider to be against your family's values?  Perhaps there is a way to couch in terms that don't conflict with your values.  For example, regarding birth control, at that age I referred to it as things you can use if you are married but don't want to have a baby yet.  Or if that doesn't work, perhaps you could just say "some people believe xyz ...."

If it goes too far, though, I believe you have the right to opt out.  You may not be the only parent doing so.  If necessary to save your son from being singled out, you could pick him up for an "appointment" or something ....

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1 hour ago, SKL said:

 

If it goes too far, though, I believe you have the right to opt out.  You may not be the only parent doing so.  

 

Most states do have parental notification/"opt-out" provisions for human sexuality classes, but those apply only to public schools. OP's child is in a private school.

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As someone who was opted out for religious reasons, I’d like to urge you not to do so. It really puts a bullseye on a kid’s back to be singled out, and when you’re going to the library for the entire unit, it is pretty obvious. I suspect I got exposed to more because of my classmates response to my exclusion than I would have gotten in the class-both by people who I think truly wanted to educate me and those who wanted to get a rise out of me. 

 

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I would guess 25% of the class was opted out at my kids’ public school.  It might not be a big deal to opt out, if it’s a high percent like that.  

I don’t know if you have any sense of that.  

Honestly I wouldn’t hesitate, but I am realizing that is based on knowing that a high number will opt out.  

Some kids want to be opted out, too, because they are not comfortable, it’s not all coming from the parents.  That’s my impression at least, that some kids would rather do it at home with their parents.  

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20 hours ago, SKL said:

When this came up for my kids, I asked to see the materials, and was sent a copy of the video they would watch.  (In our school, there was a different video for girls vs. boys.)  I found links on youtube to the boy and girl videos, watched both, and told my kids in advance what they would see.  I also told them what the boys were going to see, as I figured there might be some discussion among the kids afterwards.

What are the parts you consider to be against your family's values?  Perhaps there is a way to couch in terms that don't conflict with your values.  For example, regarding birth control, at that age I referred to it as things you can use if you are married but don't want to have a baby yet.  Or if that doesn't work, perhaps you could just say "some people believe xyz ...."

If it goes too far, though, I believe you have the right to opt out.  You may not be the only parent doing so.  If necessary to save your son from being singled out, you could pick him up for an "appointment" or something ....

 

If you choose this route, be sure the teacher documents that you do not want your child to attend a make-up session.   Otherwise, he may be expected to watch and discuss the video with all the other students who were 'sick' that day.   

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Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences and suggestions, all of which I appreciate.  

Just to make one thing clear, I believe the 4.5 hr. class that my son and I have recently attended already provided my son more info than what the school will do.  It was pretty comprehensive!  I even learned some new things.  

Also, I am not too worried about "potential backlash" of opting out.   My son's school puts huge emphasis on building a community and appreciating and promoting diversity.  There are only 34 kids in 5th grade, and they are already pretty tight with one another.   But, then, I could be wrong, and I do appreciate the heads-ups.  

I plan on emailing my son's advisor in the near future, trying to honestly and politely explain my concerns and see what options we may have.  

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