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When you don't get along well with your parents-and hurt feelings


Meadowlark
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1 hour ago, MissLemon said:

I downloaded a sample of this book on your recommendation.  I'm only about two dozen pages into it, and I can relate to SO much of what's happening in the book.   Like, chin-on-the-floor-oh-my-god-that's-my-life type of moment as I read the pages. 

The timing of the recommendation is excellent, too, because things have been rough between me and my dad lately.  (Dad = zero boundaries, Me = struggling to put boundaries in place and seething with anger when he doesn't respect my boundaries). 

hugs.

I grew up in a family with no boundaries.  fences make good neighbors and boundaries make good family relationships.

the trick is being willing to walk away.  don't negotiate.  don't make an ultimatum, you just "do".   I started with one 15 minute phone call once a week with my grandmother, as long as she behaved.   many never made it past five minutes. no ultimatum, just  "bye", and hang up.

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2 hours ago, MissLemon said:

The issue I am having with my dad is that he always finds a new way to pole-vault over a boundary.  Just when I think I've got everything pretty locked down so he can't surprise me, bam!  He finds some new, weird thing to do that I never anticipated.  This year, it was collaborating with my mother-in-law on a super personal, embarrassing Christmas gift.  Dad and MIL don't really know each other, (they met once? Maybe twice? in 12 years and live 1000+ miles apart).  I never expected they would work together for a gift.  Now he's got a lot of hurt feelings because I didn't love this weird gift, and also doesn't want to talk about why I had to say "Please do not collaborate with my in-laws on surprises for me.  If they approach you, please tell me before going forward with their plans".  He says "Fine.  I figured *weird gift* would be harmless, but fine". 

Just...ugh!  I dunno, Dad, I can't possibly anticipate and articulate every single permutation of a boundary.  I thought "Don't deliberately embarrass your children or help other people embarrass your children" was understood, but apparently not?  I guess I have to specify each, individual way I could potentially be embarrassed, lest he say "Well, I didn't know that XYZ would upset you!  You never told me not to XYZ, so it's not my fault".  And then everyone else sighs and mumbles about I'm just so difficult and have so  many rules and I make it so hard to understand and love me.   

That's just a vent.  I know there's no great solution.    

sounds like he's got a hostility problem.  loving parents don't give their children super embarrassing presents in front of other people unless they have some animus, and they certainly don't engage that child's in-laws to conspire with them against their child. (don't take it personally - it's about him.)  I would expect him to NOT honor your request to refrain from collaborating with your inlaws over gifts.  (given this behavior - I would expect him to do so again just to annoy you.)   I also wouldn't join (or invite) him for gift giving occasions.  if he pulls one out in front of the crowd as a surprise, I'd pack up and leave with said gifts unopened. he will make the scene in front of everyone.  you really don't need to say anything.  just turn around and walk out the door.   those who will take his side are likely under his thumb in other ways.  those that aren't - will have their eyes opened to his behavior if they're unaware of it still.  you may even give some the courage to stand up to him.

his hurt feelings are on him, and he's trying to guilt you for daring to not submit to his tactic of humiliating you in front of other people.  don't take the guilt -  it's his, and he can keep it. (this is also known as gaslighting.)

this was a favorite tactic of my grandmother.  my sister - her favorite/victim - started going away at Christmas.  at first, it was to avoid family (grandmother didn't get a say in it, though she whined.), then it was because they enjoyed it.

never explain your boundary to a boundary crossing person.  they consider it akin to throwing down the gauntlet and issuing an engraved invitation to cross it.  it gives them pleasure to remind you they have the power of control (and you don't).  you just say bye, and  walk out. you just say goodbye and hang up the phone.  you just don't invite them to your children's birthday parties. (let alone tell them about it beforehand.)   by not telling them your "boundaries", they can't stop you when you enforce them.  (though they will whine about it.)

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Please try not to overthink this, wondering what you may have said wrong or anything like that.

When someone does or says something that seems hurtful to me, I ask myself, is this one event out of character for them?  If it is, then I either just let it go, realizing it was a weird fluke event and not really who they are, or I ask them what it was about so that I have a better understanding of what happened.  (And in case it was me who caused it!)

If it is NOT out of character for this person, then it wouldn't really be a surprise at all.  You've already stated that he has a history of having a very limited perspective on things, and has lived life unable/unwilling to see anyone's point of view but his.  Whether it's just how his personality evolved over the years -- probably due to his own upbringing, or some mild mental condition, who knows.  They are his issues, not yours.

So, know that it's not about you, at all.  In fact, I'm sure that in his own way, he loves you, it's just buried until irrational behaviors, emotions, and thinking.

I guess I'd try and just accept that he is who he is and never have any more expectations than that.  The one positive is that he likes your dh, even though he initially thought he wouldn't!  The other really big positive is that you have turned out to be a thoughtful, mature woman despite your father.

 

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Here’s the deal: 

it seems like a personal thing not because it was a one time thing. It seems like a personal thing because of the relationship as a whole.

i have this prickly kind of relationship in my life and to a normal person without these prickly relationships, the solution “just call them and talk it out.” Seems to make sense. If only it were so easy..

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1 hour ago, fairfarmhand said:

Here’s the deal: 

it seems like a personal thing not because it was a one time thing. It seems like a personal thing because of the relationship as a whole.

i have this prickly kind of relationship in my life and to a normal person without these prickly relationships, the solution “just call them and talk it out.” Seems to make sense. If only it were so easy..

yes.  a normal person, you should talk.  

some people . . . . don't try and teach the pig to sing.  it wastes your time and annoys the pig. . . . .

but when that is the case, you need to stop having expectations of having a "real" two-way relationship.  they're not capable of having one, and you will always end up either walking on eggshells or disappointed.   when you have unrealistic expectations of where the relationship is/want-it-to-be, you will get hurt because you're disappointed.   

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8 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

yes.  a normal person, you should talk.  

some people . . . . don't try and teach the pig to sing.  it wastes your time and annoys the pig. . . . .

but when that is the case, you need to stop having expectations of having a "real" two-way relationship.  they're not capable of having one, and you will always end up either walking on eggshells or disappointed.   when you have unrealistic expectations of where the relationship is/want-it-to-be, you will get hurt because you're disappointed.   

Absolutely. Sometimes it takes a long time to really sink in that this person's way of relating to you is *for real* broken. So many of us keep hoping and hoping for that someday magical Hallmark moment. We can know in our brains that there's a 99.999% certainty that things will never be what we wish for it to be...and yet, the ache for that to be there just. won't. die. And we hope and hope and hope and time and time again, we're disappointed and hurt. We can say it out loud to others. "Something is wrong with them, its them, it's not me." and still...the sting happens.

Like @Mergath said above. Sometimes something happens to completely break the cycle of hoping...But it can be a long time coming, 

So yeah, those of us who have the prickly relationships...we KNOW. We do KNOW it. And yet...it still hurts. It still can be confusing. It still is frustrating. And it's especially so when those prickly people have what seem to be decent relationships with other people. But just not us. 

 

OP, I get it. I really do. And it's so sad. 

I'm sorry. 

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