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StellaM

Can I beg more prayers and good thoughts please ?

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6 hours ago, StellaM said:

Partner still in hospital, understandably consumed with his own health and recovery. But that leaves me with everything else plus in crisis teen.

 

He shouldn’t be consumed with his own health to the point where he is not involved or interested in things that are happening to his family. Talk to him about it. Get him involved. He’s sick and in the hospital, but he’s still a partner and a father, and it may ultimately do him good to focus on someone other than himself.

Obviously, he needs your love and support, but you need his love and support, as well. 

If he is getting good care in the hospital, let him know you will be there whenever he needs you, but that you need to focus on the current crisis with your son right now. 

I’ll pray for your family, but I wish I could do more. 

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I’m so sorry your ds is in crisis and you are dealing with yet more stress that falls to you. Praying for your ds’s safety and resolution of whatever this crisis is, and for your strength and stamina and for you to have support. I wish more of us were near you to help out. 

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1 hour ago, Catwoman said:

 

He shouldn’t be consumed with his own health to the point where he is not involved or interested in things that are happening to his family. Talk to him about it. Get him involved. He’s sick and in the hospital, but he’s still a partner and a father, and it may ultimately do him good to focus on someone other than himself.

Obviously, he needs your love and support, but you need his love and support, as well. 

If he is getting good care in the hospital, let him know you will be there whenever he needs you, but that you need to focus on the current crisis with your son right now. 

I’ll pray for your family, but I wish I could do more. 

 

He shouldn't be, but it feels that way at the moment. He seems really disinterested; he hasn't asked how the kids are handling his hospitalization or anything much about them, really. The last few months, after his diagnosis but before he got so sick, I was begging him to take on some of the emotional support of the kids, because I was utterly overwhelmed, to at least spend some time with ds on a regular basis, but nothing changed. I just feel so alone in dealing with my kids and their intense issues. 

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I’m sorry things are so difficult right now.  Sending hugs your way.  I hope you find some help or support from somewhere.

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30 minutes ago, StellaM said:

 

He shouldn't be, but it feels that way at the moment. He seems really disinterested; he hasn't asked how the kids are handling his hospitalization or anything much about them, really. The last few months, after his diagnosis but before he got so sick, I was begging him to take on some of the emotional support of the kids, because I was utterly overwhelmed, to at least spend some time with ds on a regular basis, but nothing changed. I just feel so alone in dealing with my kids and their intense issues. 

 

Have you confronted him about it? Sadly, if that is his attitude despite knowing how overwhelmed you are and how worried the kids must be about him, you may have no choice but to shift your priorities away from taking care of him while he is in the hospital. You can’t be everywhere at once, and it sounds like you are essentially a single parent in every way right now, so I must admit that I’m changing my perspective on the whole situation and I now feel that because you have been very selfless up until now, with apparently little if any appreciation from your partner, it’s time to focus most of your energy on your children, particularly your son, and let the hospital staff take care of your partner. If he needs more visitors, he can contact his friends or ask his parents to be there with him.

I have a lot of sympathy for anyone in his condition, but the fact that he is self-absorbed to the point of not even asking about his children or worrying about how you are managing on your own is simply not right. 

I’m so sorry, Stella.

Edited by Catwoman
Missed an important word in the middle of a sentence!
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Sending many good thoughts that your son will soon be beyond his crisis. Sending good thoughts your way, too, Stella.

Regards,

Kareni

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Oh Stella, I'm so very sorry. I am still praying for you and your family and I hope more than anything your son is OK and every thing works out for him.

Lots of love and hugs

((((Stella))))

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Some good news.

A friend got me some work over the next couple of days and the pay is good, and will provide a much needed bump to the account.

I made a plan re ds. 

My dad went to the hospital for me so I don't have to go today. And my mum cooked me dinner.

~

I feel really ashamed to need so much help, but it's better than no help. I just want to get on my feet and independent again soon.

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Yaknow, we humans aren't meant to be independent. Not really.

Times like this are exactly when community is supposed to kick in.

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42 minutes ago, StellaM said:

Some good news.

A friend got me some work over the next couple of days and the pay is good, and will provide a much needed bump to the account.

I made a plan re ds. 

My dad went to the hospital for me so I don't have to go today. And my mum cooked me dinner.

~

I feel really ashamed to need so much help, but it's better than no help. I just want to get on my feet and independent again soon.

 

Don't be ashamed! 

Realistically, we know you could do it all on your own, but thank goodness you’re getting some help so you won’t be quite so exhausted. 

Give yourself some grace. You have nothing to prove. If people offer help, just accept it and say thank you!

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1 hour ago, StellaM said:

Some good news.

A friend got me some work over the next couple of days and the pay is good, and will provide a much needed bump to the account.

I made a plan re ds. 

My dad went to the hospital for me so I don't have to go today. And my mum cooked me dinner.

~

I feel really ashamed to need so much help, but it's better than no help. I just want to get on my feet and independent again soon.

Oh, Stella.  This post made me so happy.  Don't feel ashamed that you are going through some very rough waters right now.  No one should have to handle all of this alone.

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I’m so happy to hear you’re getting some help and that you have a plan for your ds. May tomorrow bring more help and more good news ((hugs)). 

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2 hours ago, StellaM said:

Some good news.

A friend got me some work over the next couple of days and the pay is good, and will provide a much needed bump to the account.

I made a plan re ds. 

My dad went to the hospital for me so I don't have to go today. And my mum cooked me dinner.

~

I feel really ashamed to need so much help, but it's better than no help. I just want to get on my feet and independent again soon.

We're communal creatures.  I strongly believe that raising kids especially is optimally done with strong mutual support networks, be they kin or community.   ...and even more so when crises hit. 

No need for guilt or shame, you are doing splendidly!  You are triaging, prioritizing, and then making use of your support networks.  That is strength, not weakness.   And it is a gift to your children to model that for them.  ...and when you're  more on your feet, I hope you aren't independent, but that you're able to be there for your network when they need a helping hand, right?  

Speaking personally, I really appreciate it when my grown kids give me the chance to be helpful in their lives.  Not in an enmeshed or demanding way, but where I can offer a hand with something or share a gift, be useful as well as sympathetic (though sometimes, for me at least, sympathy is very useful!).   I imagine your parents, and others who love you, feel the same way.  They *want* ways to be there for you, to be useful, to be a real part of your life by helping carry some things sometimes, and knowing that you will so the same for them when they need it.
 

I'm so glad you've got a $ boost on the way, that you have loved ones to pitch in, and (most of all) that you've got a plan for your son.   You're handing in here, showing up, putting one foot in front of another as best you can - and that is an incredible, amazing victory some days.  *you're* incredible and amazing!  (((Stella)))

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9 hours ago, StellaM said:

Some good news.

A friend got me some work over the next couple of days and the pay is good, and will provide a much needed bump to the account.

I made a plan re ds. 

My dad went to the hospital for me so I don't have to go today. And my mum cooked me dinner.

~

I feel really ashamed to need so much help, but it's better than no help. I just want to get on my feet and independent again soon.

 

I'm sorry you have even more worries on your shoulders right now. As far as feeling ashamed, maybe look at it a little differently? When people we love are in trouble, we want desperately to help them in some way. Accepting help from your family gives them that opportunity to do that for you. You're giving them an outlet for all the worries and concerns they have for YOU and making them feel needed and useful.

I'm really glad you have help. Nobody should have to deal with all of that alone.

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Praying for you and your family, Stella.

Do try not to be ashamed! We all need help sometimes. I have an inkling that you are a helper and thus it's harder for you to accept it from others. But try!

Once when I needed a lot of help, a friend told me "We were made to help each other. Let me help you just as you will help me when I need it."

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15 hours ago, kand said:

I’m so happy to hear you’re getting some help and that you have a plan for your ds. May tomorrow bring more help and more good news ((hugs)). 

 

I've got a phone interview today to pitch for a really nice and well renumerated bit of writing work. So fingers crossed.

The brilliant thing about this kind of work is that I can be at home with ds and still earn. One of my major stressors was thinking about how I can look after ds and be out at work. So here's hoping.

 

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3 hours ago, TravelingChris said:

Well I will add that specifically to my prayers- that you get that job you just interviewed for.  

Same!

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4 hours ago, TravelingChris said:

Well I will add that specifically to my prayers- that you get that job you just interviewed for.  

 

I will, too!

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22 hours ago, maize said:

Yaknow, we humans aren't meant to be independent. Not really.

Times like this are exactly when community is supposed to kick in.

Exactly.  And remember it is a privilege to care for those we love.  

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Hugs, Stella. And good wishes for the writing job to work out like you want and need it to.

Having had a couple of very hard years, my advice is to take any help you can get and not worry or feel badly about it. A day will come when you can again pay it forward to others, but right now let yourself be on the receiving end.

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Only hermits are independent, and who wants to live like that? Humans are a social species. We're supposed to help each other, and the only way to do that is to gracefully accept help when needed. I'm just glad you're getting a little help now, so one day later you can help somebody else.

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On 1/21/2019 at 7:54 PM, StellaM said:

Some good news.

A friend got me some work over the next couple of days and the pay is good, and will provide a much needed bump to the account.

I made a plan re ds. 

My dad went to the hospital for me so I don't have to go today. And my mum cooked me dinner.

~

I feel really ashamed to need so much help, but it's better than no help. I just want to get on my feet and independent again soon.

People like to help. Feel good about giving them the opportunity to love on you.

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Congrats on the writing gig! 

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7 hours ago, StellaM said:

I got the writing gig 🙂

Yay!  I hope this is the first sign of better times ahead.

Regards,

Kareni

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17 hours ago, StellaM said:

I got the writing gig 🙂

Just that little bit of stand-on-my-feet is helpful. 

I'll take all the other help though. It's just easier when I feel like I'm also doing something to help myself. 

I literally cheered when I read this - I’m so glad you can have some income while being able to be with your son - the best of all worlds! 

Like others said above, people want to show their love to you by stepping up and helping, so don’t deprive them of that opportunity! There is no weakness in that. 

You’re doing great Stella - every day will get incrementally better and you will be able to look back and see how far you’ve come! 

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Update - the hospital are discharging him tomorrow as it's a long weekend. I'm not happy, because they didn't consult with me on this at all. My mum and dd got onto the social worker, and she is arranging for them to meet me before discharge so I can ask, oh, unimportant things like what to look out for that might indicate relapse...

It's just all unhelpful. Originally he was going home next week, he was going to spend a few days in an apartment with his parents near the hospital, close by if anything happened, they were going to cook and nurse, and then he was going to come home after that. Now I'm going to have the IL's at my house every day for a week and I might go insane. Oh, and school starts back for the year this week also. I suppose I could wait, but ds has had 8 weeks off already and he really needs the structure. 

He's too frail to do things like step up into the shower (bath/shower combo). So I don't know how he is going to bathe. Ugh. Everything is awful. Not really, but I feel really stressed about nursing a frail person who was at death's door mere weeks ago. 

I'm not going to waste good thoughts on this,  which is just whining, so none required, but honestly, it was quite a shock to just be told with no warning 'he's coming home, you look after him now'. 

And we've got three days of heatwave coming too (OK now I'm really just playing the tiny violin, but still!)

Edited by StellaM
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Btdt with the insta-release/ no consult but with aged parent.  Your life becomes like being tossed in a blanket.  Your situation is worse than ours...and ours was not fun.  😬

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Just now, Patty Joanna said:

Btdt with the insta-release/ no consult but with aged parent.  Your life becomes like being tossed in a blanket.  Your situation is worse than ours...and ours was not fun.  😬

 

Valid feelings, then, do you think ? The intern seemed to think I was just whining. 

When my mum said 'what if he falls trying to get in and out of the bath', the intern said 'call an ambulance.' Really ?

Idk, maybe other people are all confident on nursing sick people, but I'm not.Thank goodness dd is still living at home - he needs at-home injections, and at least she knows how to give them.

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I mean, they are literally sending him home b/c of the long weekend - skeleton staff. If it wasn't the long weekend, I bet any money they'd be keeping him in till Tuesday. 

I just can't believe that the skinny, weak, breathless, sallow man I saw yesterday, where I had to wear a gown and mask, is well enough to come home. 

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I remember feeling something very similar both when released from the hospital after giving birth and when my Dad came home on Hospice.  In the former case, while you're in the hospital with a baby they check on you constantly, bring you things, you can't walk around with the baby outside your room, everything is super regulated.  Then boom, you're down the elevator and out the door and all the responsibility is yours!  And you're like wait, just 20 minutes ago you wouldn't let me carry this small baby across the hall and you wanted me to diligently record the contents of every diaper and now you're just letting me loose?  It was weird the first time and it's been jarring every time since.

Then with Dad, he was very sick, obviously.  In the ICU, etc.  And when they sent him home, he came with a breathing machine and a hospital bed and morphine and instructions on how to use these things, but then after an hour or so everyone left and it was just us and him, and he was still just as sick and it was hard.  

I think one thing that might help is that your DH will probably feel much better at home than he has at the hospital.  Can you do sponge baths until his energy is better?

Unless your in-laws are going to do the majority of the care and you can hide out somewhere, I'd be tempted to tell them to either go get a hotel room and visit or that you are going to go get a hotel room and visit, because you need space right now with the added stress of the situation.  You can blame it on being an introvert.  Just say I'm sorry, this is the limit of what I can handle and I need to stay under the limit so I don't collapse as a caregiver, homemaker, fiscal provider, and educator.  Too much depends on me right now for me to be so irresponsible as to not look after myself.  Etc.

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On 1/22/2019 at 2:54 PM, StellaM said:

Some good news.

A friend got me some work over the next couple of days and the pay is good, and will provide a much needed bump to the account.

I made a plan re ds. 

My dad went to the hospital for me so I don't have to go today. And my mum cooked me dinner.

~

I feel really ashamed to need so much help, but it's better than no help. I just want to get on my feet and independent again soon.

this is terrific news.

 Huge Hugs

 

there is no need to be ashamed of needing help.

 

Sending as many positive thoughts as I can your way

 

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