Jump to content

Menu

Is requiring this "to be fine" reasonable?


EMS83
 Share

Recommended Posts

26 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

Have you brought this up with your counselor? What did they say? (And I hate to have to ask this, but by "counselor" you mean somebody licensed, right?)

Not yet, it's newish.  And yes, licensed; I understand.  🙂  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, CES2005 said:

I have a past?  idk.  I can't say.  I mean, I felt that anxiety when we were dating and he went somewhere completely public with a friend and a friend's girlfriend.  For me it's been my faith that has helped me feel more secure.  Though I still have a hard time figuring out where the line is--that's a whole other topic.  But no, he's definitely in the "men and women can't be friends" camp.  We had a thread about that here somewhere.  He's not willing to be friends with other couples, so that level of protection is off the table.

Daaamn girl. I modify my stance with this very pertinent additional information. 

55 minutes ago, CES2005 said:

Well when we met, I was binge drinking and smoking pot and driving intoxicated, so yeah.  And occasionally now I do something incredibly stupid and dangerous.  I mean, incredibly.  Like driving when I know I'm at risk for falling asleep at the wheel.  One time I jumped out of the driver's seat with the van going down the road.  It's random, but yeah.  I have.  99% of the time I'm fine.  Sometimes, something misfires.  Or with the fatigue thing, I felt like I didn't have another option.  My solution (camping) was shot down, and I didn't explore my other overnight options like I should have.

I ended a 7 year friendship with a great, totally platonic guy friend, so yes.  Though I think he had a crush on me at times.  But I was ok with it, and remorseful of all my less chaste and modest behavior.  It made sense.  But...I just stopped sharing my location on my phone (we've had it on 24/7 for a couple of years now), and despite saying it was a safety thing for both of us and he was leaving his on, he stopped sharing his.  I'm not unaware.  But now I don't know what's reasonable and what's not--but did I ever?  Hence counseling.  And this thread.  I don't want to overreact to a reasonable request.

Listen. We ALL have at least a 1% brain missfire rate. Hell. I think mine’s closer to 20% these days. 

But I need more info to decide if that’s enough. Because you know what? I’m not proud of it and I don’t encourage it - but I can’t count how often I’ve gotten in the van  crap faces exhausted and got where I was going with no memory of how I made the trip. I mean we were all okay but it’s pure dumb luck that it ended that way.  And there’s no allowances in our society for crap faced exhausted people to just go the heck home and get some sleep. I know for a fact many people feel they don’t have a valid choice about this. I don’t think that makes them idiots to not be trusted though. And if you aren’t a binge drinking fool NOW and have not been for years and are not displaying behaviors that make him worried about a recurrence - then he either needs to let it go or direct you to how to resolve this problem.   “Missfires” are not necessarily a reason to have the ability to make decisions or friendships revoked  

Because saying you should have a gun is just stupid. 

Because you are raising children together and you should be able to fully do that and fully have friendships - barring genuine threats to their well being.

I am never alone with men. But I have two men in my life who are rated as some of my best friends. No one could ever have cause to have any problems with my friendships with them.  Your husband doesn’t have to share your friendships, but he doesn’t get to dictate them unless he has a valid claim of concern about impropriety. 

  • Like 1
  • Thanks 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Now it sounds like a pattern that may have been very rational in the past has become accepted habit.  I can understand how that happens - I've seen it happen with good people in my life.  I do think it needs to be addressed, gently, gradually, but firmly.

Meanwhile - I would really look for opportunities for the kids to get out into the woods and do stuff regardless of the fuss over bears and other people's husbands.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Given all you posted, I'm going to throw a grain of salt into any assumption that how you acted when you were young and not a parent has much bearing on how you conduct yourself now. People do grow up. 

But, what you said about driving while fatigued, etc., does suggest that having a safety plan on extended outings with the kids would be a good move. But, see my previous post about cell phone and radio. Adding a firearm to the mix would not be helpful in any way.

I also feel like I live in a completely different world when people come up with stuff about it not being appropriate for a mother with her kids to go on the same campout with a married couple and their kids. But, jealousy is a foreign concept to me that I've always found baffling and irrational. Likewise the idea that a heterosexual person can't have platonic friends of the opposite sex. 

  • Like 6
Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 minutes ago, Ravin said:

Given all you posted, I'm going to throw a grain of salt into any assumption that how you acted when you were young and not a parent has much bearing on how you conduct yourself now. People do grow up. 

But, what you said about driving while fatigued, etc., does suggest that having a safety plan on extended outings with the kids would be a good move. But, see my previous post about cell phone and radio. Adding a firearm to the mix would not be helpful in any way.

I also feel like I live in a completely different world when people come up with stuff about it not being appropriate for a mother with her kids to go on the same campout with a married couple and their kids. But, jealousy is a foreign concept to me that I've always found baffling and irrational. Likewise the idea that a heterosexual person can't have platonic friends of the opposite sex. 

I wouldn’t think twice about going on a camp out with the kids and another dad and his kids. Presuming we each were sharing our own tents with our own kids. Presuming both parties wouldn’t screw around together with their kids <2 feet away. I know that’s a lot to presume about our fellow humans some days, but if my husband doubts ME after 26 years - maybe what I need to consider isn’t a better planned camp out but a better marriage. 

  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

7 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

I wouldn’t think twice about going on a camp out with the kids and another dad and his kids. Presuming we each were sharing our own tents with our own kids. Presuming both parties wouldn’t screw around together with their kids <2 feet away. I know that’s a lot to presume about our fellow humans some days, but if my husband doubts ME after 26 years - maybe what I need to consider isn’t a better planned camp out but a better marriage. 

Right. Camp out with just me and another man, alone? No, not appropriate in my own personal views, without good reason. Me and a man AND his wife, AND all our mutual children? I mean, what on earth is going to happen in that situation?  I'm going to accidentally make out with some guy in front of his wife while the kids watch? Even once the kids are asleep the wife is there. 

Even the Duggars would allow that, lol. 

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yeah, I think it's fine for people to decide they are uncomfortable themselves being alone in the presence of some members of the opposite sex, for any reason really, but under normal circumstances, that is not appropriate with a spouse.  Especially in this kind of multi-person setting.

Now, if you know your spouse is inclined to cheat it might be a different story.  But adults in general are people you give a certain amount of autonomy to.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

So he's assuming you're going to cheat in ridiculously unlikely scenarios.  He stopped sharing his location with you despite needing yours "for safety reasons."

You've made some unwise decisions in the past, but none recently that I would call "stupid."  Unwise with the driving tired thing, but not stupid.  Is that S word yours or his?

 

This all makes me wonder... is he cheating on you?   Is he being emotionally abusive?  Is he dwelling on stuff that you stopped doing years ago or is otherwise only human?

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm starting to wonder those things, too.  Yes and no on the stupid.  I mean, would I characterize someone else's choices, even those specific ones, as stupid?  No.  I'd probably say dangerous or foolish, depending.  But being self-referential, I tend to be harsher.  Long, long term pattern.  

For me I generally say "dumb" as shorthand for careless or impulsive.  And that's what I think the driver's seat thing was--the impulse control "switch" didn't flip.  That's something different than the other examples.  

edit: and we never got to why he was uncomfortable with the friend's dad coming, or why it was a little weird.  I didn't question or push back.  That's on me.

Edited by CES2005
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Not sure on the marital part of this.  Do think marital counseling a good idea.

On camping safety:  quite a lot depends on exactly where and circumstances.

I live in PNW, and people tend to underestimate not overestimate dangers.  I know personally of around 4 camping / mild hike related deaths.  1 was child of people I know where child died of hypothermia (2 of these, but as one had to do with car crash first, I won’t include it.).   1 was an adult woman (with dog I think) who was murdered.  2 with falling off trails on steep hill, or into crevasses .  The only one that a gun could have helped was the murder, but very possibly not if the attacker had sneaked up.   I also know a couple of people who have had scary wildlife encounters, but no actual injuries from wildlife (other than Lyme disease presumably from tick bites). 

I am therefore inclined to suggest

1) no gun

2) yes bear spray or similar

3) yes cellphone 

4) yes some old fashioned communication system like a coast guard whistle

5) if hypothermia is possible in place and season, an emergency Mylar blanket for each person on that person.  (The child who died of hypothermia got lost very near camp site, then presumably sat down against a tree, fell asleep and died and was already dead before family realized it had been awhile since he’d gone to do whatever he was doing such as gather some fire kindling)  and knowing to keep moving, and that hypothermia is possible even in above freezing conditions.

6) Learning (you and kids) what to do about likely problems in areas where you would be.   In our area, this could be knowledge like: for bears, don’t run, keep food away from camping area. For not getting hypothermia keep moving, don’t sit down and rest / sleep.  If lost blow emergency whistle.  Proper clothing for the conditions.  One of the fall people had slippery shoes.  Stay away from ledge drop offs, and especially don’t turn back on a scenic drop to take selfie pictures—too easy to step back and whoops...   Etc.  

7) If possible, going with a group like REI, or Sierra club that includes people with good sense and experience could be helpful. 

Edited by Pen
  • Like 2
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...