Aggressive men

[moonflower]

this is the article that I read (or it was a similar one)

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/neuroscience-in-translation/201812/want-pinch-babys-cheeks-thats-cute-aggression

[IvyInFlorida]

This isn't a case of "aggressive men" in my experience with boyfriends/husband/sons.  It's playful and teasing and sometimes just a way for a male to interact when he's not sure what else to do.  In my family, I play right back! 

[Just Kate]

I wonder if the issue is that when your ds does this, it reminds you of the way your x-dh used to interact with you? Like maybe it wouldn’t be such an issue if it was something that only your ds did?

We kind of play around in my family like that too (if I’m understanding you correctly). Regardless, I agree with others that at his age, your ds should be able to stop if you’ve told him to. 

[Rosie_0801]

It's just low-contact wrestling. All sorts of dumb stuff like that goes on around here. I walked into the kitchen one day to find ds pinning a rag doll to the ground, and when I turned around next, the doll had him pinned to the ground. He and dd used to wrestle on my bed around dusk every night. People around here seem to think it is funny to offer to punch each other in the teeth, really politely as though they are offering to do a favour. I think of it as expressions of enthusiasm, since that's what it seems to be. But still, if you don't like it, your son should find someone else to do it to.

[Scarlett]

3 hours ago, moonflower said:

this is the article that I read (or it was a similar one)

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/neuroscience-in-translation/201812/want-pinch-babys-cheeks-thats-cute-aggression

Very interesting 

[Scarlett]

6 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

It's just low-contact wrestling. All sorts of dumb stuff like that goes on around here. I walked into the kitchen one day to find ds pinning a rag doll to the ground, and when I turned around next, the doll had him pinned to the ground. He and dd used to wrestle on my bed around dusk every night. People around here seem to think it is funny to offer to punch each other in the teeth, really politely as though they are offering to do a favour. I think of it as expressions of enthusiasm, since that's what it seems to be. But still, if you don't like it, your son should find someone else to do it to.

🙂

[Acadie]

If it bothers you and you want it to stop, it's an opportunity to teach him about boundaries and consent. I don't think it matters what deep drive motivates the behavior. I also don't think you need to defend or interrogate the way you feel.

If you don't like it and you tell him that, he needs to stop.

Amy 

[unsinkable]

I see it as rough housing but it is unwanted. It is difficult I think for kids with a high need for touch to get along in the this world. He might be trying to keep that connection with you but there aren't any appropriate ways to do it as he gets older.

As for it being emotional abuse, or toxic masculinity, or being a jerk...let's just say I completely disagree.

[ktgrok]

9 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Thank you,,!   And although I do feel better that my son is probably not psychotic I also know I don’t like it.  So there is that.  

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that at some point in your past maybe you WERE in fear of violence from someone, so to you this triggers an automatic reaction of fear/anxiety, even though it isn't ACTUALLY a threat. So given that, you don't like it. So they should stop, not because it is wrong to do it, but because it bothers you. 

My husband likes to kind of grab my neck from behind as he pulls me in to him to kiss my head. It's totally affectionate, not bossy or grabby or whatever (it's when he's right next to me, not dragging me across the room or anything). There was a time when we were first dating that I would not allow that, because another man had grabbed my neck in a way that was violent and scary and having anyone touch my neck, in affection or otherwise, triggered a fear response. I explained, and my husband didn't touch my neck again for YEARS. Only when I said it was okay did he do it again. 

[Scarlett]

31 minutes ago, unsinkable said:

I see it as rough housing but it is unwanted. It is difficult I think for kids with a high need for touch to get along in the this world. He might be trying to keep that connection with you but there aren't any appropriate ways to do it as he gets older.

As for it being emotional abuse, or toxic masculinity, or being a jerk...let's just say I completely disagree.

He was a very touchy kid.  He would hang all over me all of the time....hold my hand during prayer in public and private...and one day he just stopped.  I think he started to feel like he was too old...13 maybe?  Or someone probably made fun of him.  I don't know....but he probably does miss hugging me.  

[Garga]

I think it’s a love language thing.  You know that book about the five love languages?  One of the love languages is physical touch.  I got to hear the author of that book speak at a conference once.  He came out and was skinny, wearing a suit with a bow tie and I thought, Oh, this guy will be so boring!  But he was hilarious.  He had a southern drawl and said the funniest things deadpan.  It won’t sound right when I type it, but he was joking around about the touch love language people and talking about how when they trip you as you walk by, it’s just because they love you so much. (It’s not funny when I type it, but it was meant to be funny and was...the tone was right.)

I have a son whose love language is physical touch.  He will poke at me or lean on me or whatever.  When he’s being annoying about it, I will realize that he’s looking for physical connection and I’ll reach over and grab him by the neck and pretend to choke him, or I’ll tickle him.  He LOVES it.  Sometimes my dh will look at us like we’re crazy and while I’m horsing around with my son I’ll say, “Oh he loves it!  It’s his love language!”  And my son thinks it’s the best thing ever and laughs and is so stinkin’ happy.  He just wanted that physical touch and gentle roughhousing is just up his alley.  He is also the one who might play punch at me.  I’ll pretend that it hurt super bad, “OW-CHA! You just knocked my arm OFF!!  Where’s the thread and needle!?” And he thinks it’s just the best thing ever. 

Since your son does this in happy moments and you’re confident there’s no aggression underneath, then I personally think it’s normal for some people.  I’m not a physical touch person in the slightest, so I had to learn this about my son.  I have to deliberately stop and think, “Oh yeah...this is how he shows affection,” and I choose to accept it about him and not make him feel bad about it.  I’ll respond with a physical response of my own to feed his need for affection.  

This is also my son who will still snuggle up to me for hours at a time and he’s 13.  We sit and read school stuff together and he’ll lean on me so much that by the time we’re done the lesson, I’m in a 45 degree angle because he was leaning so much. He gives me hugs all the time.  

 

Edited January 11, 2019 by Garga

[Scarlett]

17 minutes ago, Garga said:

I think it’s a love language thing.  You know that book about the five love languages?  One of the love languages is physical touch.  I got to hear the author of that book speak at a conference once.  He came out and was skinny, wearing a suit with a bow tie and I thought, Oh, this guy will be so boring!  But he was hilarious.  He had a southern drawl and said the funniest things deadpan.  It won’t sound right when I type it, but he was joking around about the touch love language people and talking about how when they trip you as you walk by, it’s just because they love you so much. (It’s not funny when I type it, but it was meant to be funny and was...the tone was right.)

I have a son whose love language is physical touch.  He will poke at me or lean on me or whatever.  When he’s being annoying about it, I will realize that he’s looking for physical connection and I’ll reach over and grab him by the neck and pretend to choke him, or I’ll tickle him.  He LOVES it.  Sometimes my dh will look at us like we’re crazy and while I’m horsing around with my son I’ll say, “Oh he loves it!  It’s his love language!”  And my son thinks it’s the best thing ever and laughs and is so stinkin’ happy.  He just wanted that physical touch and gentle roughhousing is just up his alley.  He is also the one who might play punch at me.  I’ll pretend that it hurt super bad, “OW-CHA! You just knocked my arm OFF!!  Where’s the thread and needle!?” And he thinks it’s just the best thing ever. 

Since your son does this in happy moments and you’re confident there’s no aggression underneath, then I personally think it’s normal for some people.  I’m not a physical touch person in the slightest, so I had to learn this about my son.  I have to deliberately stop and think, “Oh yeah...this is how he shows affection,” and I choose to accept it about him and not make him feel bad about it.  I’ll respond with a physical response of my own to feed his need for affection.  

This is also my son who will still snuggle up to me for hours at a time and he’s 13.  We sit and read school stuff together and he’ll lean on me so much that by the time we’re done the lesson, I’m in a 45 degree angle because he was leaning so much. He gives me hugs all the time.  

Oh How I miss those days.  😞  

[Scarlett]

7 hours ago, elegantlion said:

When ds was little he used to accidentally bump my heels with the grocery cart almost every visit. It became the running joke between us and we'd laugh when it happened after a few times. We still joke about me not walking in front of him. One day we were at IKEA and had a big cart and were in line and he was doing it on purpose. Someone chided him (he was like 18 at the time). I mentioned that it was a running joke and I was okay with it, then she made some snide remark and moved lines. For us, it's a way to show affection borne out of his cart accidents. To others, it might be annoying, to us it was bonding. 

 

What is it with strangers thinking they have the right to chide someone else's kid?  Once in a crowded restaurant ds couldn't get my attention so he said my first name.  A friend of ours was all up in arms about it and asked me if I wanted him to say something to ds about it.  Um, no I do not want you to do that.  But later when I was not around he did anyway!  I was so mad!

[SKL]

Now that I think about it, one of my daughters is extremely physical (love language thing), and it got to be a problem as she would run up and jump on people.  We used to call her the human cannonball.  It may have been cute when she was little, but she didn't stay little and she could have hurt people.  It took me a long time to get her to break the habit.  Now she knows that she needs to just ask for a hug if she needs touch.  Of course, she's a 12yo girl, and that's going to look different to an 18yo young man.  I'm not sure what the physical alternative should be for a young man needing frequent touch from his mom.  Side hug?

[Garga]

8 minutes ago, SKL said:

Now she knows that she needs to just ask for a hug if she needs touch.  Of course, she's a 12yo girl, and that's going to look different to an 18yo young man.  I'm not sure what the physical alternative should be for a young man needing frequent touch from his mom.  Side hug?

 

My touch-love language son:  Just now, we were both going to sit on the couch, and he purposely laid across it, so that I didn’t have room, so I sat on his legs and he thought it was just great.  That’s exactly what he wanted from me.  My other son isn’t like this at all and neither am I.  

Scarlett:  I’d start giving him more hugs when he gets that way.  Say, “Oh you want to punch me?  Oh yeah?  I’ll get you!”  And then give him a big squeezie bear hug.  

Edited January 11, 2019 by Garga

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, Garga said:

 

My touch-love language son:  Just now, we were both going to sit on the couch, and he purposely laid across it, so that I didn’t have room so I sat on his legs and he thought it was just great.  

Scarlett:  I’d start giving him more hugs when he gets that way.  Say, “Oh you want to punch me?  Oh yeah?  I’ll get you!”  And then give him a big squeezie bear hug.  

He often times....most times...resists me if I try to hug him.

 

 

[Garga]

8 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

He often times....most times...resists me if I try to hug him.

 

 

Oh rats.  I guess that’s too much for him then.  

It was me and I didn’t like the play punches, I’d try to get him to stop.  I would understand that it’s not real aggression, but some sort of connection he’s trying to make.  But that doesn’t mean you can’t have your own preferences.  

If he hates the hugging and you hate the play punching, you could always threaten to hug him every time he play punches at you.  That might be the best way to make it stop.  🙂

[SeaConquest]

1 hour ago, unsinkable said:

I see it as rough housing but it is unwanted. It is difficult I think for kids with a high need for touch to get along in the this world. He might be trying to keep that connection with you but there aren't any appropriate ways to do it as he gets older.

As for it being emotional abuse, or toxic masculinity, or being a jerk...let's just say I completely disagree.

 

I don't think roughhousing is toxic masculinity. I think refusing to stop when someone tells you that they don't like it, or making them feel like they aren't entitled to feel their feelings, is. 

[goldberry]

I have definitely seen this behavior as show of affection.  It made me think though about how when we were first married, I would often go to "play punch" my husband and he would massively tense up.  He didn't *say* anything but it was so clear he felt uncomfortable and was not perceiving it as affectionate. Of course I stopped.  Later we talked about how he was bullied in school and other guys would punch him randomly, not play, but hard.  

I would think that a husband or son might not be so good at reading those subtle cues.  The flip side is if it is the son's need for an alternate form of affection, it would be great to adapt to that *if possible*. It's still not wrong to just say "stop it", but given the case of an adolescent boy with no bad intentions, I would probably at least try to adapt.

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, goldberry said:

I have definitely seen this behavior as show of affection.  It made me think though about how when we were first married, I would often go to "play punch" my husband and he would massively tense up.  He didn't *say* anything but it was so clear he felt uncomfortable and was not perceiving it as affectionate. Of course I stopped.  Later we talked about how he was bullied in school and other guys would punch him randomly, not play, but hard.  

I would think that a husband or son might not be so good at reading those subtle cues.  The flip side is if it is the son's need for an alternate form of affection, it would be great to adapt to that *if possible*. It's still not wrong to just say "stop it", but given the case of an adolescent boy with no bad intentions, I would probably at least try to adapt.

I am going to attempt adapting.

[goldberry]

Also thinking about the husband of a friend who was in the military, and apparently they were really big into slapping each other on the butts?  Like football players I guess? as a form of affection.  After he retired, he started slapping my friend AND HER DAUGHTER on the butt sometimes!  and in public!  The guy honestly was clueless.  He was really just missing this form of affection among his friends.  Yes, he stopped after discussion.

[SheenaNorman]

I read everything and didn't get it.

[MaBelle]

I don't think it's a big deal.  Men and women are different.  Boys are aliens.  Mine live to scare me.  Snakes in position, sneaking up on me at Walmart, setting off firecrackers.  I'm so desensitized I barely notice anymore.  The last episode at the Walmart parking lot after son sneaked up on me I did hear dil tell him  "you better cut that out, what if she shoots you??"

Snakes make me jump the highest.

[SeaConquest]

2 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I am going to attempt adapting.

 

Playing Devil's Advocate here (because you are, of course, free to do what you feel is best):

1) What could happen to your son the next time a woman doesn't want to adapt? Will he be well served, in the long run, by learning that the women around him should adapt?

2) If you had a daughter, would you advise her to adapt as well?

Just some additional things to ponder, if you feel like it.

[unsinkable]

4 minutes ago, SheenaNorman said:

I read everything and didn't get it.

This made me laugh so hard I spit out oatmeal.

"I don't get it. Who wants a robot that turns into a building?"

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, SeaConquest said:

 

Playing Devil's Advocate here (because you are, of course, free to do what you feel is best):

1) What could happen to your son the next time a woman doesn't want to adapt? Will he be well served, in the long run, by learning that the women around him should adapt?

2) If you had a daughter, would you advise her to adapt as well?

Just some additional things to ponder, if you feel like it.

I want to stop being bothered by it because I feel like it is definitely his need for touch outlet and I am his mom and want to be close to him.  We have successfully imprinted the message to our boys that you keep your hands to yourself in regards to girls especially.  He went through a stage where he was constantly hanging on his best friend.  

[Murphy101]

2 hours ago, unsinkable said:

I see it as rough housing but it is unwanted. It is difficult I think for kids with a high need for touch to get along in the this world. He might be trying to keep that connection with you but there aren't any appropriate ways to do it as he gets older.

As for it being emotional abuse, or toxic masculinity, or being a jerk...let's just say I completely disagree.

Uh. Say what again? Simulating hitting is not the only way in this world to satisfy the personal need to have physical contact with someone who loves us.

And again, the act itself is not toxic or jerk or emotional abuse - doing it to someone you know hates it after they have repeatedly told you to stop it is what pushes it to emotional abuse and toxic jerkiness.  

And that’s exactly how I’d phrase it with my kid.  It does not matter what their intention ever was at that point bc they have been informed that is not the situation and that it is not okay to just keep doing it.

My kids wrestle.  I get in the floor and wrestle with them sometimes.  It’s all good fun for those who WANT to participate.  Those who don’t don’t and no one calls them uptight or anything else for it and no one tries to mess with them after they’ve said they don’t want to.  Because it’s not funny or fun of both parties aren’t okay with it.

 

[Murphy101]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

What is it with strangers thinking they have the right to chide someone else's kid?  Once in a crowded restaurant ds couldn't get my attention so he said my first name.  A friend of ours was all up in arms about it and asked me if I wanted him to say something to ds about it.  Um, no I do not want you to do that.  But later when I was not around he did anyway!  I was so mad!

If I saw a grown man purposely hurting a woman (to my eyes) such as purposely running the cart into her heels (which *I* find very painful bc of a bum ankle) - I’d like to think I’d say something. 

I’d probably say something like, “Hey that is not funny to hit her ankles with the cart like that.”

If she doesn’t care or points out my perception is erroneous - oh well not my problem all’s good.

But here we have 2 pages of Scarlet feeling a need to adapt to someone acting like they are going to hit her. It isn’t funny because she isn’t comfortable with it. It’s an example of how women are conditioned to shove down their own needs and to apologize for often rather ridiculous things when we think about it. Like saying, “I’m not trying to be prissy or uptight but I’d really rather not have someone act like they are going to hit me.”

No one should have to actually feel or say that out loud in general, much less to people they live with. 

But enough of them do that yeah, sadly someone else might feel a need to speak up when they perceive a similiar situation. 

And again, it doesn’t cross the line until and unless someone says enough. If someone wants to box around with their loved one who loves it - that’s not what is being discussed. 

[J-rap]

I tend to think of it as playful, like a puppy.  I remember my brother doing similar things with me, and there was not an aggressive bone in his body.  It was completely playful.  Probably that kind of playfulness is more common in boys/men, though of course not always.  My dh grew up wrestling with his brothers all the time.  He and our kids (both girls and boys) enjoyed wrestling with him playfully when they were younger.  My dh thought it was great fun to wrestle me to the ground and then tickle me.  But, he was so strong that I couldn't fight back.  I hated being held down and tickled.  After doing that a couple of times, I let him know if I say "no" once, it means it's not fun for me and he needs to stop immediately.  He's never tried it since!

[Murphy101]

34 minutes ago, MaBelle said:

I don't think it's a big deal.  Men and women are different.  Boys are aliens.  Mine live to scare me.  Snakes in position, sneaking up on me at Walmart, setting off firecrackers.  I'm so desensitized I barely notice anymore.  The last episode at the Walmart parking lot after son sneaked up on me I did hear dil tell him  "you better cut that out, what if she shoots you??"

Snakes make me jump the highest.

I am the queen of sneak attacks here. 

My poor 16yr old son got me good the other night by waiting in the dark garage to grab me as I walked in from the side door from the driveway. 

Unfortunately he didn’t plan for me to be genuinely startled and I knocked him on his butt with the help of the tricycle that was behind him blocking a hasty retreat.

He was all “what the heck mom?!”

and I was all cry laughing, “LOL You ass, scaring your poor old mama to death! LOL Are you okay?! LOL”

His older siblings teased him for days that they told him not to mess with the Queen of the sneak attack. But I gave him credit. He got me good that time.

It was hilarious. 

[Scarlett]

26 minutes ago, Dotwithaperiod said:

Yes, I’m waiting for her to explain this part, lol. I’m picturing some scene from an old Harlequin Romance paperback or one of those silly books with a confused looking woman in a low cut bodice standing in front of a swarthy man on a stallion, with a castle in the background.

Ok, I didn't see the first question about this last night....that was a poor choice of words. I was just trying to convey my dh doesn't treat me like a porcelain doll.

[goldberry]

15 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

But here we have 2 pages of Scarlet feeling a need to adapt to someone acting like they are going to hit her. It isn’t funny because she isn’t comfortable with it. It’s an example of how women are conditioned to shove down their own needs and to apologize for often rather ridiculous things when we think about it. Like saying, “I’m not trying to be prissy or uptight but I’d really rather not have someone act like they are going to hit me.”

 

She does not have to apologize for the way she feels and there is nothing wrong with it.  But *choosing* to adapt because it's her child and she is trying to understand where he is coming from is not the same as "women shoving down their own needs".

It's no different from your kid, even your daughter, really liking something you don't like, such a snakes, and so you try to get over your initial reaction so you can bond with your daughter.  If you can't or don't want to, fine.  That should be accepted.  But it's not like she is being a doormat if she tries to have understanding about it.  Nor is she perpetuating negative male behavior. 

[Scarlett]

3 minutes ago, goldberry said:

 

She does not have to apologize for the way she feels and there is nothing wrong with it.  But *choosing* to adapt because it's her child and she is trying to understand where he is coming from is not the same as "women shoving down their own needs".

It's no different from your kid, even your daughter, really liking something you don't like, such a snakes, and so you try to get over your initial reaction so you can bond with your daughter.  If you can't or don't want to, fine.  That should be accepted.  But it's not like she is being a doormat if she tries to have understanding about it.  Nor is she perpetuating negative male behavior. 

Yes.  Because once I saw how common it is and made the connection to him needing touch I suddenly am viewing it completely differently now.

[Murphy101]

Just now, goldberry said:

 

She does not have to apologize for the way she feels and there is nothing wrong with it.  But *choosing* to adapt because it's her child and she is trying to understand where he is coming from is not the same as "women shoving down their own needs".

It's no different from your kid, even your daughter, really liking something you don't like, such a snakes, and so you try to get over your initial reaction so you can bond with your daughter.  If you can't or don't want to, fine.  That should be accepted.  But it's not like she is being a doormat if she tries to have understanding about it.  Nor is she perpetuating negative male behavior. 

We will have to agree to disagree.

I don't know why you wrote "even your daughter". I would not be okay with it whether it was her son or her daughter doing it.

There's lot s of ways to appease physical touch without pretending to hit people.  So by all means, adapt by ramping up all those other options.

[sweet2ndchance]

12 hours ago, Murphy101 said:

Good natured ends when anyone says it isn't funny to them.  Full stop.

This!!! A thousand times!

My ex-husband constantly accused me of being too sensitive when his actions crossed a line. Sometimes it was just not something I thought was funny. Sometimes it was abusive behavior, whether it be physical, verbal or emotional. It does not matter how you intended it, it is how it is perceived. My current husband completely understands and respects that some forms of horseplay are out of line with me just due to my personal history. Like someone else said, anyone over the age of 12 and neuro-typical is capable of understanding this kind of rule in relationships.

All that said, all four of my boys play hit and punch each other. They have all done this since they were little boys. It's all in good fun and they know beyond the shadow of a doubt that when someone says stop, all horseplay comes to a screeching halt. It was partly training them on my part (because the oldest three's father didn't know when enough was enough) and teaching them that not everyone appreciates horse play and partly teaching them how I want to be treated and that while punching each other and their father in play was ok if they want to play that way, but I did not.

[May]

If you have asked him to stop and he doesn’t, there’s a problem. Why doesn’t he respect your wishes? 

[Scarlett]

8 minutes ago, May said:

If you have asked him to stop and he doesn’t, there’s a problem. Why doesn’t he respect your wishes? 

He does stop each time I ask him.  But then he seems to forget the next time the spirit moves him.  LOL

[EMS83]

Can I ask what it means when someone says they don't find something funny and the joker essentially pouts and/or gets defensive?  Assume they stop, but that's their reaction when you tell them to stop.  

Also another component I think is the overall context of the relationship.  Is it generally happy, loving, respectful, etc.?  I think that would soften how such a thing came across as opposed to this being a) the only way the person jokes with you and b) unwelcome by you anyway.

[MaBelle]

2 hours ago, Murphy101 said:

I am the queen of sneak attacks here. 

My poor 16yr old son got me good the other night by waiting in the dark garage to grab me as I walked in from the side door from the driveway. 

Unfortunately he didn’t plan for me to be genuinely startled and I knocked him on his butt with the help of the tricycle that was behind him blocking a hasty retreat.

He was all “what the heck mom?!”

and I was all cry laughing, “LOL You ass, scaring your poor old mama to death! LOL Are you okay?! LOL”

His older siblings teased him for days that they told him not to mess with the Queen of the sneak attack. But I gave him credit. He got me good that time.

It was hilarious. 

I love a good joke/scare, even if I'm the victim.

[MaBelle]

How my boys show affection.  I was pretty mad, we were late for an appointment and no one was cooperating.

 

[MaBelle]

2 minutes ago, OKBud said:

That cat is a cool customer 😄 

Yeah, she was really cool.

 

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, MaBelle said:

Yeah, she was really cool.

 

Ok, I just need to know what kind of snake it was.  

[MaBelle]

6 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Ok, I just need to know what kind of snake it was.  

Bull snake maybe?  Not venomous.  And dead.  Movement is just reflex.

Edited January 11, 2019 by MaBelle

[unsinkable]

3 hours ago, Murphy101 said:

Uh. Say what again? Simulating hitting is not the only way in this world to satisfy the personal need to have physical contact with someone who loves us.

And again, the act itself is not toxic or jerk or emotional abuse - doing it to someone you know hates it after they have repeatedly told you to stop it is what pushes it to emotional abuse and toxic jerkiness.  

And that’s exactly how I’d phrase it with my kid.  It does not matter what their intention ever was at that point bc they have been informed that is not the situation and that it is not okay to just keep doing it.

My kids wrestle.  I get in the floor and wrestle with them sometimes.  It’s all good fun for those who WANT to participate.  Those who don’t don’t and no one calls them uptight or anything else for it and no one tries to mess with them after they’ve said they don’t want to.  Because it’s not funny or fun of both parties aren’t okay with it.

 

Well, I already acknowledged it was UNWANTED roughhousing...and I still don't consider it toxic masculinity or emotional abuse or any variation of "jerk."

scarlett's son is an adult, and she is in her 50s I think. It sounds to me like he is trying to maintain a type of physical connection that she doesn't want but that he is comfortable with. I don't think he should keep doing it. 

Im going to guess that neither of them would want to wrestle on the floor together, considering he doesn't seem to want hugs much of the time.

[Garga]

6 minutes ago, OKBud said:

 

I would NOT characterize it as "aggression" though and I think that that word being attached to the description of the behavior is what is throwing people. 

 

I was just thinking the same thing. What Scarlett is describing doesn't sound like aggression to me.  It sounds like playing, and as soon as mom says, "Nope," he stops. 

ETA:

I think the point of the post was to see if his behavior was common.  And I think for some people, it is, and for others completely not.

My friends make gentle fun of me because I haaaaaate hugging.  Hate it.  I hate physical touch from anyone except from my spouse and kids. It's humorous irony to me that I have a son who looooves hugs and touching, since in my normal life I don't want anyone touching me, ever.  Before having kids, I wouldn't understand Scarlett's post at all and would be horrified to think of having a son who would play punch at me.  But now that I have one, I think it's just how some people are wired.

For Scarlett, I'd probably try to meet his need with a few shoulder pats from time to time.  I'd also say, "Nope," to the punching if I didn't like it.  Or I'd have fun with it and say, "Are you doing that physical touch love language thing again?  Because if you are, I'll totally bear hug you!" and reach out my arms toward him in a playful way until he backs off (since he doesn't really like hugging.)

 

Edited January 11, 2019 by Garga

[Scarlett]

14 minutes ago, MaBelle said:

Bull snake maybe?  Not venomous.  And dead.  Movement is just reflex.

Ok, well then it is darn funny.  LOL...We don't kill non venomous snakes if we can stop ourselves in time.  Dh is terrified of snakes.  He would not admit that but he is.  😉

 

 

Edited January 11, 2019 by Scarlett

[Scarlett]

19 minutes ago, OKBud said:

We're all loud, wrastlin', play fighting banshees around here. 

Some people really hate even being around it, much less would they ever want to have it go on in their homes. I can't imagine it being any different. 

The pp's "she pokes him back. They giggle. They should get married" observation really sums it up. 

I would NOT characterize it as "aggression" though and I think that that word being attached to the description of the behavior is what is throwing people. Everyone is right that no one should be doing anything to you that you don't like. As I've said, I am just as physical that way with my boys as my husband. However when I say stop or don't, or simply put my hand up, no one touches me. 

Yes I guess 'Aggressive' was misleading.  

[Murphy101]

I think it is aggressive to repeatedly do something to someone after being told to stop and that they don’t like it. 

We call pushy sales people doing that aggressive. 

We call pretty much anyone who does that some form of aggressive.

In those situations it is often a synonym for harassing behavior.

 

[KungFuPanda]

I think this is the real life equivalent to a jump-scare in a movie. Some people love it and some hate it. They should stop since you’ve never been amused by this, but I don’t think it makes them deeply psychologically disturbed; just annoying dorks. 

[Rosie_0801]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

Ok, I just need to know what kind of snake it was.  

 

Not an Australian one! I wouldn't dare scream and run away! 😶