How upset would you be if a family member

[SKL]

If it didn't fit with my meal, I'd probably leave it on the kitchen table (or other location away from the sit-down meal) and say "in case we run out of food" or "in case anyone wants a snack later" or similar.  I would not attempt to make room in my fridge for it unless I wanted to keep it for leftovers.  At the end, if I wanted to get rid of it, I'd tell the bringer that I really don't have room in my fridge for all that food and would they please take it home so it doesn't get wasted.  All this to say I would not allow someone else's faux pas to ruin my day.  If it burns them up, it's their own doing and maybe they won't do it again.

[unsinkable]

10 minutes ago, SKL said:

I don't understand people saying they'd be more annoyed if this person has a history of doing this stuff.  I would consider myself warned if they had a history.  I'd consider it par for the course if they did it, and I'd be pleasantly surprised if they didn't.

Like my mom is always late.  What is the point of getting yourself all worked up over it?  Expect it and plan accordingly.

Seriously, chronically annoying people?  Don't give them so much real estate in your brain when you don't need to.

 "Living rent free in your brain" is how I say it.

I am not immune to it though. My FIL used to start serving desserts while everyone else was still eating. I started hiding them. He would find them, serve them and TELL PEOPLE I WAS HIDING THEM. 

Yes, I made an entire cookie & dessert table for my son's Baptism, then hid it away and wasn't going to serve it. That makes sense, right?

I had 7 desserts packed away in tupperware, etc and as soon as dinner was done and semi-cleared, I was going to make the dessert table. It was a space issue. 

 

[marbel]

5 minutes ago, Arctic Mama said:

.... what’s wrong with starting dessert?  I’m usually half an hour behind many family members in finishing, waiting for me makes me feel pressured to finish faster 😞

 

I’ve always found it more polite to let people free range or only do cake once the birthday person is done, and let everyone else get pieces whenever they’d like afterward.  Then nobody is waiting awkwardly or feels like they’re holding everyone else up.

 

Is this some horrible breech of eating protocol I’m committing, unknowingly?

I'm the opposite, it stresses me out if the host starts bringing out dessert and coffee while some people are still eating.  It feels like, "come on people, let's get on with this"

As a host, I find the logistics difficult and dislike setting a cake down next to a messy meat platter.

That said, my husband is a slow eater and is often oblivious to the fact that he is scooping out his third helping of potatoes while everyone else has finished. It annoys me, especially when we are the hosts and should adjust our pace to our guests.

[katilac]

6 hours ago, marbel said:

1. I had planned a Mexican themed dinner and the invitation included that information. It was not a potluck and no one was expected to bring anything. A few people brought Mexican beers (fine! great! more beer!) or some chips and salsa, but one couple showed up with a platter of dolmas.  I just put them out but I felt a little peeved. Had they not read the invitation?  Did they have leftovers they had to get rid of?  

 

My immediate thought was that they confused Mexican with Mediterranean, lol. 

"I really want to bring something to help Marbel out. What's the theme again?"

"It's, um, shoot, something with an M. Muh, muh . . . " 

"Mediterranean!"

I am so easily amused. 

1 hour ago, HeighHo said:

  black bear potato salad/cole slaw/mac salad with sugary dessert.   

 

I was disappointed to discover that black bear is a brand and not an exciting new version of potato salad.

What's so awful about potato salad or coleslaw? Like unsinkable said, that's pretty ordinary cookout food in America. You don't like it and you think it's unhealthy, that's fine, but you have a pretty high level of disdain for perfectly ordinary food. Referring to their "particular poverty culture" is also cringe-worthy; saying 'their particular culture' gets the same meaning across without sounding like there's some judgement going on. I mean, Whole Foods sells ready-made potato salad, it's not a poor people thing, lol. 

[unsinkable]

14 minutes ago, Arctic Mama said:

.... what’s wrong with starting dessert?  I’m usually half an hour behind many family members in finishing, waiting for me makes me feel pressured to finish faster 😞

 

I’ve always found it more polite to let people free range or only do cake once the birthday person is done, and let everyone else get pieces whenever they’d like afterward.  Then nobody is waiting awkwardly or feels like they’re holding everyone else up.

 

Is this some horrible breech of eating protocol I’m committing, unknowingly?

If the hostess has one buffet table filled with dinner dishes and everyone except one person is done eating...do you really think it is OK for that person to go looking through the frig and the pantry and hallway and pull out unplated desserts and start passing them out?

There was nowhere to put desserts. It was a space issue. 

Then, I had people trying to hold onto a Tupperware container filled with desserts while they were trying to eat their dinner. 

 

[unsinkable]

10 minutes ago, Arctic Mama said:

Honestly we have never had that happen.  Food goes on the counter, desert does too.  We don’t plate except for children.  If someone went to go get a slice it wouldn’t be considered rude unless it was something requiring procession like a cake with candles?? I’d be annoyed if someone tried plating dessert for me, because I might want a bigger or smaller piece or none at all.  But getting some for themselves would be totally cool.

 

If my FIL tried to pass them out I’d definitely say ‘no, just grab some for yourself and let everyone else do the same’.  But I can’t imagine him not doing it in a sweet way - he’s ask if someone else wanted some while he was up, and that would be the end of it.

 

(remind me later I said these nice things about FIL since he is touching down in a few hours and will be invading my kitchen for a week 😆)

I don't and didn't have the space to have a dinner buffet and dessert buffet. 

And by plating, I mean, "arrange all the desserts on serving plates and platters on the dessert table buffet." Not slice a cake and hand the slice to a person. It was already all individual servings...7 different cookies and mini desserts.

[Pippen]

38 minutes ago, Arctic Mama said:

.... what’s wrong with starting dessert?  I’m usually half an hour behind many family members in finishing, waiting for me makes me feel pressured to finish faster 😞

 

I’ve always found it more polite to let people free range or only do cake once the birthday person is done, and let everyone else get pieces whenever they’d like afterward.  Then nobody is waiting awkwardly or feels like they’re holding everyone else up.

 

Is this some horrible breech of eating protocol I’m committing, unknowingly?

If you're the hostess, then nothing is wrong if you indicate to guests to go ahead with dessert. If you're a guest, I think it's only courteous to check with the host(s) to see if they're ready. 

When I was hosting and someone finished and got up and started serving dessert I thought it was terribly rude. I hadn't even had a chance to sit down and start eating yet. Typically the family lingers at holiday meals so there isn't a need to rush. But that meant I had to stop and take care of coffee and the dessert we'd made before even filling my plate. 

[May]

I would be slightly upset but life is too short🎄If this is a family member and I host this every year, I’d probably call them before the next get together and ask if they are planning to bring anything. 

[Mbelle]

I think that is nuts! 

I would ask what I could bring if it seemed like that kind of event, if they said nothing then I would bring nothing.

 

 

 

 

 

[unsinkable]

1 hour ago, katilac said:

 

My immediate thought was that they confused Mexican with Mediterranean, lol. 

"I really want to bring something to help Marbel out. What's the theme again?"

"It's, um, shoot, something with an M. Muh, muh . . . " 

"Mediterranean!"

I am so easily amused. 

 

I was disappointed to discover that black bear is a brand and not an exciting new version of potato salad.

What's so awful about potato salad or coleslaw? Like unsinkable said, that's pretty ordinary cookout food in America. You don't like it and you think it's unhealthy, that's fine, but you have a pretty high level of disdain for perfectly ordinary food. Referring to their "particular poverty culture" is also cringe-worthy; saying 'their particular culture' gets the same meaning across without sounding like there's some judgement going on. I mean, Whole Foods sells ready-made potato salad, it's not a poor people thing, lol. 

On Below Deck ( reality show about a crew that works on a luxury yacht) the guests complained about the chicken* they were served. They said "chicken is poor people food."

*these were roulade type things with vegetables and cheese in the filling and some kind of sauce. They looked beautiful and I don't think anyone complained about the taste...just that they didn't want it bc chicken was poor people food.

(And if anyone watched it this week... OMG! Ashton! Thank God he is OK! And if you don't watch it...OMG! ---------! Thank God --- is ---! <I don't want to spoil it for you>).

[katilac]

1 hour ago, HeighHo said:

You are putting words in my mouth.  If you have opinions, kindly post them as your own. 

Poverty does not equal poor. Ordinary 'food' that is empty of nutrition is not on my list.  You may call it disdain, but I call it survival, as does my medical team. Thanks for sharing your opinion.

 

 

I have zero issues with you (or anybody else) eating whatever food they want, be it for medical reasons or simple preference. It's exactly what I think everyone should do! 

I don't think that I was putting words in your mouth; your attitude about their food seemed clear. You said, and then on the side have the junk food that the inlaws restrict their party diet too and the inlaws eat the carp. To me, calling it junk food and crap while you and the other guests eat well shows clear disdain, but of course I don't know if that was your intention. I do think it would come across that way to the majority of people. 

The phrase poverty culture, as widely used by sociologists, anthropologists, and the general public, does in fact mean poor. If that's not your intended meaning, then it's not a good phrase to use. People will misunderstand, plus it's not like using the secondary meaning of poverty (a state of scarcity or inferiority) to refer to their culture is any improvement. Culture means social behavior and norms, so 'in their culture' works just fine imo. 

[Noreen Claire]

17 hours ago, Carol in Cal. said:

Well, from a courtesy standpoint, if it was not a potluck then all that food could have been accepted as a hostess gift and put away to serve/use another time, with warm thanks.  Point, set, match.

From a courtesy standpoint as well, it was kind of on the insulting side to bring EVERYTHING like that, particularly if it wasn't a potluck.  Particularly as a 'surprise'.  It implies a complete lack of faith in the ability of the host to be a good host, and that could make people pretty mad.  Or it could make them roll their eyes and say, Dude, if you had just let me know I would not have gone to all this trouble.  

How would *I* feel?  When I have folks over I don't feel obligated to put out what they bring along unless it was arranged in advance or unless the event was a potluck.  I plan the dishes, and serving dishes, and drinks, and everything, and honestly it might be hard to get that big an influx of 'variety' shoehorned into another meal.  In that particular circumstance, I would probably stash the potatoes as the meal was already pretty starchy, and slice some of the ham in the kitchen and put it on a platter to pass around.  Not the green beans since I have a salad.  Whether I served the pie would depend on whether we had time for another course, and whether there was enough for everyone.  I would say thank you, you shouldn't have! in the moment, I would say that I was going to serve the ham and save the rest, and that would be that.  I might have a quiet word later on about how it would be helpful to know of such endeavors in advance so that I could plan them into the overall meal.

What would absolutely fry me would be if that guest then turned around and took all the leftovers home.  Sorry, no, if it's a gift it doesn't go back unless offered.  That would be the last straw.

That is a work of art! Perfect!

[OH_Homeschooler]

This reminds me of how my mom hijacked the plans for my DD's 1st birthday party years ago. It was just going to be a fun, simple thing with pizza and sandwiches (at our small house). Soon she was talking about entire hams, roasting a whole turkey just for sandwich meat, and loads of other food, including twice the amount of pizza we were going to get. We tried talking her down to just a turkey breast but she likes dark meat. 🙄

She annoys me, so I am annoyed by the OP's scenario.

Twist ending: We had to cancel the party due to both terrible weather and sickness, which was just fine with me at that point.

 

 

 

[Guest]

6 hours ago, SKL said:

I don't understand people saying they'd be more annoyed if this person has a history of doing this stuff.  I would consider myself warned if they had a history.  I'd consider it par for the course if they did it, and I'd be pleasantly surprised if they didn't.

Like my mom is always late.  What is the point of getting yourself all worked up over it?  Expect it and plan accordingly.

Seriously, chronically annoying people?  Don't give them so much real estate in your brain when you don't need to.

I’m not going to say you don’t have a point. I think it can be harder, though, when it’s your mom or Aunt Maude. You’re trying not to let it ruin your day too much but you’re also internally going, “And, she’s done it again! She wants to control the menu just like she wants to control everything else that happens....” and that history makes it hard to shrug it off. 

In general, though, yes, I agree. I have learned this about some people who I can’t help are in my life. They are PITAs and when they act like PITAs it should roll off for the most part. 

[HS Mom in NC]

On my side of the family we typically have about 30 people at a holiday meal (Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas.) I usually host, but I also usually send out an email explaining I will host if no one else wants to because I'm just as happy to show up and eat (Phase 1.) If no one wants to then I ask people to tell me what they want to bring with them (Phase 2.) What people want to bring becomes the bulk of the menu and the people who replied that they're happy to being whatever else is needed, just let them know, I assign a dessert, side dish, appetizer, drinks, etc.

Sometimes there's a theme. Christmas: chili, corn bread, salad, sugar cookies.  Christmas: Mexican food. Easter cold ham and cold side dishes. Thanksgiving dinner.  Mediterranean.  Chinese food. If someone goes off theme it's slightly irksome. We're people who distinguish between group behavior and individual behavior and expect group behavior with the group or in other words a team player attitude.

[Plagefille]

9 hours ago, SKL said:

Have you ever told her you have everything needed and you would rather she just brought one dish?

I tried to tell her to bring just one this the first time, and she still brought a ton. The second time I only sort if said something, I didn't really fight it because I wasn't in the mood to go there. 

My SIL has told her to not worry about bringing extra to her house many times. My mom finally got it, but now just sits in SIL's basement and pouts everytime she's over there. That's even after I tried to explain to my mom how SIL is just trying to be a traditional host where guests don't bring all the food and do all the work.

[Shoeless]

14 hours ago, TeenagerMom said:

If this was an every day dinner party, I would probably be annoyed.  If this was our family's only Christmas get together, I would probably be the one who showed up with a traditional Christmas dinner because most of my own family members wouldn't be happy with a non-traditional dinner if the hostess deviated from our traditions.  We would all want an actual Christmas dinner.  Other parts of the family does a roast for Christmas dinner and they would be upset if they didn't have their Christmas roast as has been tradition for at least 5 decades as well.  It really depends on the circumstances.

3

 

This is very rude to do to your host. 

[SKL]

While I would not really care if someone did that to me, I can't imagine bringing my own food to someone else's dinner just because I think dinner should be xyz.  If I am that picky about Christmas dinner, then I should stay home where I am in charge of what is served.  Or eat my own "traditional" dinner at a different time.  (Of course dietary restrictions excepted.)

[Tanaqui]

14 hours ago, TeenagerMom said:

If this was an every day dinner party, I would probably be annoyed.  If this was our family's only Christmas get together, I would probably be the one who showed up with a traditional Christmas dinner because most of my own family members wouldn't be happy with a non-traditional dinner if the hostess deviated from our traditions.  We would all want an actual Christmas dinner.  Other parts of the family does a roast for Christmas dinner and they would be upset if they didn't have their Christmas roast as has been tradition for at least 5 decades as well.  It really depends on the circumstances.

 

That's really inappropriate and weird. Don't do that. If your family is that stuck on having the non-traditional dinner - and not willing to have it another day, either - then you should give your regrets to the hostess and have dinner at home.

Edit: Though I can see bringing a dish or two if somebody in your family has a serious food aversion or allergy issues, just to ensure that they have something they can eat. But there's an enormous difference between bringing your own plain buttered noodles and chicken strips or vegan mashed potatoes and bringing an entire meal for your whole family.

Edited December 17, 2018 by Tanaqui

[Catwoman]

12 hours ago, HeighHo said:

At first I thought it was food preferences then I realized its just part of the particular poverty culture and not accepting the nonblood relatives.  What I do now is serve the planned meal, and then on the side have the junk food that the inlaws restrict their party diet too...summer that's boxburgers (frozen hamburger patties), hotdogs and black bear potato salad/cole slaw/mac salad with sugary dessert.  My fellow nonblood relatives eat well, the inlaws eat the carp and are happy they get to snub my cooking.  My hostess duty is fulfilled.  

With the shrimp appetizer, I'd thank and put enough out that people have that choice. It doesn't slay me as a hostess.

With the alternate dinner choice, I wouldn't put it out, but I'd plate for the person who brought it.  I am often invited to an inlaw lasagna meal for Christmas day, but its so loaded with sausage, cheese , salt/fat that I can't eat it , and there is nothing else offered but sugar desserts, so its byo or fast. 

 

 

What kind of meal would you prepare for a casual summer party? I would bet that most people would be happy with the hotdogs, burgers, cold salads and dessert. Even if they didn’t eat meat, they could have salads and dessert, and probably some other snacks, as well.  I mean, I would probably add a nice, big salad with lots of greens and veggies, and I’d also put some steaks and chicken on the grill, but if I went to someone’s house and they served the foods you mentioned, I would eat it and enjoy it. Not every meal has to be entirely nutritious— I would even say that the meals at a casual party don’t necessarily have to be nutritious at all. It’s just one meal out of your life. 🙂

And what’s wrong with lasagna? (Admittedly, I don’t like sausage in lasagna, either, but of course it’s going to have lots of cheese!) What kinds of foods will you eat? Are you very picky? The foods you’re describing as being part of “poverty culture” sound pretty average and normal picnic foods to me, and many very successful people would not hesitate to serve lasagna, either.

I’m really wondering what kind of diet you eat. Do you have dietary restrictions? (I’m not trying to put you on the spot, though — please don’t feel like you have to respond! I’m really not trying to be snotty; I’m just very curious!)

Edited December 17, 2018 by Catwoman

[Catwoman]

Double post. That was weird! I posted once, but my post showed up twice and I got a message on my screen that told me I had to wait 10 seconds between new posts.

Odd.....

Edited December 17, 2018 by Catwoman

[Shoeless]

If someone is diabetic or Celiac, a lasagna dinner would be tricky.  I have people with both conditions in my house, so if we were invited for Christmas lasagna, I'd sadly send my regrets 😞  (I really like lasagna, too! 😞 ) 

[Catwoman]

10 minutes ago, MissLemon said:

If someone is diabetic or Celiac, a lasagna dinner would be tricky.  I have people with both conditions in my house, so if we were invited for Christmas lasagna, I'd sadly send my regrets 😞  (I really like lasagna, too! 😞 ) 

 

That makes perfect sense, though! If you have dietary restrictions, you’re not being rude if you don’t eat the lasagna — and no decent hostess would want you to get sick!  

I was just thinking it was unusual for a person to refuse to ever eat foods that most people would find relatively typical, simply because she didn’t consider them to be nutritious enough. If it’s only one party, or even if it’s once a week, is it really that big a deal to eat a meal that isn’t 100% good for you, or to eat a sugary dessert? Maybe I’m just not careful enough about my diet, but I’m not about to restrict myself to the point where I will refuse to eat anything that isn’t perfectly healthy for me, and I wouldn’t criticize others for enjoying themselves at a party by eating less-than-healthy foods, either. 

Of course, I’m not suggesting that anyone has to eat foods they don’t enjoy. I don’t eat foods I don’t like or that trigger my migraines, so I don’t expect anyone else to eat foods they don’t like, either, but it seems awfully mean to act like people are somehow inferior and are part of “poverty culture” (whatever that means,) just because they like to eat hotdogs at a picnic or have lasagna for Christmas dinner.

[Jean in Newcastle]

27 minutes ago, MissLemon said:

If someone is diabetic or Celiac, a lasagna dinner would be tricky.  I have people with both conditions in my house, so if we were invited for Christmas lasagna, I'd sadly send my regrets 😞  (I really like lasagna, too! 😞 ) 

I am a diabetic with Celiac.  I do bring my own food.  But I would also eat what I can - like a green salad or even a very small spoonful of potato salad (because a very small amount will not push me over on my carb count).  And I don't make any hosts feel badly for cooking and serving perfectly ordinary food even if I cannot eat it. 

[Shoeless]

1 minute ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

I am a diabetic with Celiac.  I do bring my own food.  But I would also eat what I can - like a green salad or even a very small spoonful of potato salad (because a very small amount will not push me over on my carb count).  And I don't make any hosts feel badly for cooking and serving perfectly ordinary food even if I cannot eat it. 

Oh no, I would never criticize my host about it.  Unfortunately, it's been my experience that many of our previous hosts have been very...rigid...about food and take it personally when I say "The bagels do look great, but no thank you!" 

We usually just bring something "safe" along with us that everyone can share and ignore my dad when he rolls his eyes and huffs about it, or "forgets".  But for something like a Christmas lasagna, I'd just decline because I don't want to deal with a fight about food on Christmas.     

[Catwoman]

7 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

I am a diabetic with Celiac.  I do bring my own food.  But I would also eat what I can - like a green salad or even a very small spoonful of potato salad (because a very small amount will not push me over on my carb count).  And I don't make any hosts feel badly for cooking and serving perfectly ordinary food even if I cannot eat it. 

 

I think that’s a good approach. I have a close friend who is also diabetic and celiac, and she handles things exactly the way you do, and it seems to work well for her. (Well, except with her in-laws, who don’t believe celiac disease is a real thing... so she doesn’t eat at their house at all any more!)

[Shoeless]

Doesn't believe Celiac disease is a real thing...lol. Hoo boy!  

[Jean in Newcastle]

Actually with the Celiac part of things I only eat foods where I can verify it’s safety. So a carton of premade potato salad would be easier for me to check because I can grab the container and read the ingredients. I can’t trust other people to necessarily know about all the ingredients in homemade foods especially if it includes condiments or non whole foods of some kind. I was terribly sick for three days at the beginning of November because someone told me that some banana bread was gluten free. It wasn’t. 

So for this Christmas my SIL told me to “bring what you can eat “. 

[Catwoman]

1 hour ago, MissLemon said:

Doesn't believe Celiac disease is a real thing...lol. Hoo boy!  

 

Yes, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg with her in-laws...

1 hour ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

Actually with the Celiac part of things I only eat foods where I can verify it’s safety. So a carton of premade potato salad would be easier for me to check because I can grab the container and read the ingredients. I can’t trust other people to necessarily know about all the ingredients in homemade foods especially if it includes condiments or non whole foods of some kind. I was terribly sick for three days at the beginning of November because someone told me that some banana bread was gluten free. It wasn’t. 

So for this Christmas my SIL told me to “bring what you can eat “. 

 

I’m sorry you were so sick, Jean. 😞

My friend does that, too — many people don’t understand that cross-contamination can make her sick, and she certainly doesn’t expect people to prepare her meal in a completely separate area with separate utensils, etc. like she does at home because most people don’t have the facilities to do that, even if they wanted to go to the extra trouble and to take the time to learn what to do and what not to do so she doesn’t get sick. It’s hard. Her in-laws act like she is being a drama queen, when in reality she would love it if she could just eat anything she wanted, without worrying about getting so sick. Thankfully, her dh is a great guy, and it was his idea to stop eating at his parents’ house because they didn’t take her dietary restrictions seriously. 

[marbel]

5 hours ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

Actually with the Celiac part of things I only eat foods where I can verify it’s safety. So a carton of premade potato salad would be easier for me to check because I can grab the container and read the ingredients. I can’t trust other people to necessarily know about all the ingredients in homemade foods especially if it includes condiments or non whole foods of some kind. I was terribly sick for three days at the beginning of November because someone told me that some banana bread was gluten free. It wasn’t. 

So for this Christmas my SIL told me to “bring what you can eat “. 

I can't imagine a host doing anything less for guests with dietary restrictions / food allergies / food-related health issues. 

It is not rude for someone to say "I am not able to eat food containing x, so may I bring y?"   Of course if a host gave me a hard time about it, I guess I would decline the invitation.

Guest bringing their own food because they don't like what's offered / it's not traditional for the day / host's food doesn't meet their standards --> that is rude.

[Okra]

Honestly, I'm really surprised by this! 

I guess I don't think I'd ever be upset by people bringing food! It just doesn't seem to be something to get all worked up over.

But, clearly, I am in the minority.

[regentrude]

20 hours ago, Arctic Mama said:

.... what’s wrong with starting dessert?  I’m usually half an hour behind many family members in finishing, waiting for me makes me feel pressured to finish faster 😞

 

I’ve always found it more polite to let people free range or only do cake once the birthday person is done, and let everyone else get pieces whenever they’d like afterward.  Then nobody is waiting awkwardly or feels like they’re holding everyone else 

We never had anybody wait awkwardly or feel hurried. We eat main course until everybody has stopped eating and nobody has refilled their plates in a while. Nobody "waits" for dessert, everyone is full and busy chatting. After enough of a lull in eating, I ask whether I can clear main course and should srart to serve dessert, or whether people prefer a break. Most often the guests want a little break before dessert to digest a bit. A good meal takes 2+ hours.

Buffet style parties for 40+ have all food out and people serve themselves whatever they want to eat whenever they want it.

[regentrude]

9 hours ago, MissLemon said:

If someone is diabetic or Celiac, a lasagna dinner would be tricky.  I have people with both conditions in my house, so if we were invited for Christmas lasagna, I'd sadly send my regrets 😞  (I really like lasagna, too! 😞 ) 

What I don't get is people not asking about their guest's dietary restrictions (or knowing about them if we're talking friends and family ) and then making foods everyone can eat. What's the point of sharing a meal when certain people can't eat it??? How hard can it be to create a menu that has some safe foods for everyone?

[Guest]

24 minutes ago, Okra said:

Honestly, I'm really surprised by this! 

I guess I don't think I'd ever be upset by people bringing food! It just doesn't seem to be something to get all worked up over.

But, clearly, I am in the minority.

Well, 24 voters in this poll did select “happy or not at all bothered.” 

[Valley Girl]

13 minutes ago, regentrude said:

What I don't get is people not asking about their guest's dietary restrictions (or knowing about them if we're talking friends and family ) and then making foods everyone can eat. What's the point of sharing a meal when certain people can't eat it??? How hard can it be to create a menu that has some safe foods for everyone?

I'm not sure I'd poll my guests in advance to find out if they had restrictions/preferences. I would hope that information would be something they'd volunteer. Now, if I knew or suspected that someone had a health or dietary issue, I'd certainly ask what I could do to accommodate them. Maybe I should consider asking as a matter of course in the future. But it's not something I've done previously without, as I said, some advance idea there might be a problem.

[Jean in Newcastle]

14 minutes ago, regentrude said:

What I don't get is people not asking about their guest's dietary restrictions (or knowing about them if we're talking friends and family ) and then making foods everyone can eat. What's the point of sharing a meal when certain people can't eat it??? How hard can it be to create a menu that has some safe foods for everyone?

You would think so. But there are  people out there that are either deliberately or not deliberately obtuse. The deliberate ones use food as a weapon in the boundary wars. The non deliberate ones?  Perhaps you could say that they lack imagination when it comes to food?  And/or lack the ability to put themselves in the shoes of others when it comes to hosting or food allergies etc. 

And I should have multi quoted because that’s the answer to Okra’s post. This thread isn’t really about food but about boundaries- especially if it involves replacing an entire menu with your own. 

[regentrude]

16 minutes ago, Valley Girl said:

I'm not sure I'd poll my guests in advance to find out if they had restrictions/preferences. I would hope that information would be something they'd volunteer. Now, if I knew or suspected that someone had a health or dietary issue, I'd certainly ask what I could do to accommodate them. Maybe I should consider asking as a matter of course in the future. But it's not something I've done previously without, as I said, some advance idea there might be a problem.

I host a lot, and quite often strangers (collaborators my DH has invited to give a talk, candidates we are interviewing for jobs....). When I have not had a person over before, I always ask in the invitation "Do you have any dietary restrictions?". I feel that this makes it easier for my guests to tell me, and I see it as part of being a gracious hostess. I don't know if everybody would feel comfortable disclosing their restrictions to a hostess who is not a  friend. I imagine if you interview for a job and your prospective boss' wife invites you to dinner, it may feel awkward to say "but I don't eat xyz". 

With friends and people I know, I remember who has the shellfish or mushroom allergy, who is vegan, who is gf, and who cannot have pork for religious reasons. If I can't remember, I ask them in the invite "Do I remember correctly that you can't eat mushrooms?".

It's so easy, avoids awkwardness, and makes it possible to find a lowest-common-denominator menu everyone can enjoy. And people appreciate it so much.

Edited December 17, 2018 by regentrude

[Valley Girl]

That is an EXCELLENT point, Regentrude. I don't entertain much, but I think I will need to take a leaf from your book on that one.

Edited December 17, 2018 by Valley Girl
'Cause I can't spell today.

[marbel]

22 minutes ago, regentrude said:

I host a lot, and quite often strangers (collaborators my DH has invited to give a talk, candidates we are interviewing for jobs....). When I have not had a person over before, I always ask in the invitation "Do you have any dietary restrictions?". I feel that this makes it easier for my guests to tell me, and I see it as part of being a gracious hostess. I don't know if everybody would feel comfortable disclosing their restrictions to a hostess who is not a  friend. I imagine if you interview for a job and your prospective boss' wife invites you to dinner, it may feel awkward to say "but I don't eat xyz". 

With friends and people I know, I remember who has the shellfish or mushroom allergy, who is vegan, who is gf, and who cannot have pork for religious reasons. If I can't remember, I ask them in the invite "Do I remember correctly that you can't eat mushrooms?".

It's so easy, avoids awkwardness, and makes it possible to find a lowest-common-denominator menu everyone can enjoy. And people appreciate it so much.

 

I so agree with this.  I don't think it's up to the potential guest to say "oh, by the way, I can't eat x." It's up to the host. That said, so often when I ask people, they are delighted and surprised to be asked so apparently it's not a common thing. It just makes sense to me as part of the invitation:  can you come at this time, at this date, and is there anything you can't eat or drink?  

Edited December 17, 2018 by marbel

[HS Mom in NC]

20 minutes ago, regentrude said:

I host a lot, and quite often strangers (collaborators my DH has invited to give a talk, candidates we are interviewing for jobs....). When I have not had a person over before, I always ask in the invitation "Do you have any dietary restrictions?". I feel that this makes it easier for my guests to tell me, and I see it as part of being a gracious hostess.

I've hosted tons of meals over the years for people I knew well and people I've just met.  I have never once invited anyone without asking, "Do you have any dietary restrictions I should be aware of?"  I consider that part of being a hostess too. How could my home be truly welcoming if I haven't asked?  I've accommodated Hindu/vegetarian, Mormon/no caffeine, shellfish allergies, nut allergies, dairy allergies, diabetics, vegans, vegetarians, no salt, no sugar, gluten free, strawberry allergies, and kosher diets. 

[HS Mom in NC]

1 hour ago, regentrude said:

We never had anybody wait awkwardly or feel hurried. We eat main course until everybody has stopped eating and nobody has refilled their plates in a while. Nobody "waits" for dessert, everyone is full and busy chatting. After enough of a lull in eating, I ask whether I can clear main course and should srart to serve dessert, or whether people prefer a break. Most often the guests want a little break before dessert to digest a bit. A good meal takes 2+ hours.

Buffet style parties for 40+ have all food out and people serve themselves whatever they want to eat whenever they want it.

I agree, but we have an additional category because so many extended family members have remarriages and other branches of extended family nearby: stacked events.  Most of mine have 2 and sometimes 3 holiday events in the same day, so it can make sense to serve dessert after most people have finished the main meal so those who have to leave at a certain time for the next event got all the courses.

Edited December 17, 2018 by Homeschool Mom in AZ

[Jean in Newcastle]

I do find it a bit difficult when people now ask me about dietary restrictions now that my daughter and I are Celiac.  It's so much more than just "gluten free" due to cross contamination issues.  So when people ask to get together I often ask if we can meet at a totally gluten free restaurant in the area.  (I pick up the check of course.)  Or if it is an specific event at their house I will explain the celiac diagnosis but will always offer to bring special food for myself and my daughter.  Most people take me up on the offer to bring my own food - at least in part - because they are a bit overwhelmed by the requirements for celiac disease.  It has made events with food a lot more difficult.  Though I do have to say that I have been pleasantly surprised at how knowledgeable wait staff are now at local restaurants.  It's a lot different than in the past when I said "I can't have wheat" and servers would say, "Oh, it's not wheat.  It's white flour!" 

[regentrude]

13 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

I do find it a bit difficult when people now ask me about dietary restrictions now that my daughter and I are Celiac.  It's so much more than just "gluten free" due to cross contamination issues.  So when people ask to get together I often ask if we can meet at a totally gluten free restaurant in the area.  (I pick up the check of course.)  Or if it is an specific event at their house I will explain the celiac diagnosis but will always offer to bring special food for myself and my daughter.  Most people take me up on the offer to bring my own food - at least in part - because they are a bit overwhelmed by the requirements for celiac disease.

That makes sense. While I am happy to prepare food for friends with dietary restrictions, I would not presume to be able to prepare food safely enough for somebody where trace contamination can make them violently ill. I know enough about ingredients and can prepare gluten free food that contain no gluten in any of the ingredients, but I cannot, as a layperson in a normal household kitchen, vouch  that there is no cross-contamination in a kitchen where I regularly work with flour. I would not feel comfortable assuming this risk (and I think, like you, most people who are so seriously affected, know better than to trust their health on a well meaning person's word.)

Edited December 17, 2018 by regentrude

[gardenmom5]

11 hours ago, MissLemon said:

If someone is diabetic or Celiac, a lasagna dinner would be tricky.  I have people with both conditions in my house, so if we were invited for Christmas lasagna, I'd sadly send my regrets 😞  (I really like lasagna, too! 😞 ) 

when there are health reasons for dietary restrictions- bringing food is for your health.  it's not rude.  (unless you make a huge deal out of it- and I've known people who are quite dramatic about such things.)

I don't drink, and I can't have yeast - so I just abstain and eat what I can.   (I've had people provide me with a gluten free bread - um, gluten's not my problem.)

10 hours ago, MissLemon said:

Doesn't believe Celiac disease is a real thing...lol. Hoo boy!  

my brother doesn't believe mental illness is real.  our mother lived with him in another town, he didn't get her a new psychiatrist.  she was schizophrenic, and she ran out of refills for her meds. it led to bad things - and while I did move her back closer to me, I didn't know she didn't have any.   only shortly before she died did I realize he'd basically gotten her off her meds. (this was a short, but very intense, period of time.) I was able to get them restarted and she stabilized.

1 hour ago, regentrude said:

I host a lot, and quite often strangers (collaborators my DH has invited to give a talk, candidates we are interviewing for jobs....). When I have not had a person over before, I always ask in the invitation "Do you have any dietary restrictions?". I feel that this makes it easier for my guests to tell me, and I see it as part of being a gracious hostess. I don't know if everybody would feel comfortable disclosing their restrictions to a hostess who is not a  friend. I imagine if you interview for a job and your prospective boss' wife invites you to dinner, it may feel awkward to say "but I don't eat xyz". 

With friends and people I know, I remember who has the shellfish or mushroom allergy, who is vegan, who is gf, and who cannot have pork for religious reasons. If I can't remember, I ask them in the invite "Do I remember correctly that you can't eat mushrooms?".

It's so easy, avoids awkwardness, and makes it possible to find a lowest-common-denominator menu everyone can enjoy. And people appreciate it so much.

A friend's father was in japan on business.  he doesn't drink, so to accommodate him, they provided a non-alcoholic drink. UNBEKNOWNST to him,  every time he took a sip, those who were beneath him at this corporation, were required to take a sip of their drink. they were drinking sake.  apparently, whatever they provided him to drink was really good - and he drank a lot.  only later did he learn about the minions being required to drink too.  it was a two day hangover for the minions (all the next day's meetings had to be cancelled).   he felt really bad when he found out. now - he barely drinks anything at those dinners becasue he doesn't want to cause a repeat.

[SKL]

2 hours ago, regentrude said:

What I don't get is people not asking about their guest's dietary restrictions (or knowing about them if we're talking friends and family ) and then making foods everyone can eat. What's the point of sharing a meal when certain people can't eat it??? How hard can it be to create a menu that has some safe foods for everyone?

I think it sounds like a nice gesture, though I don't agree it's easy.  But on this forum I've seen many people say that even if the host says the food is xyz complying with their food restrictions, they still don't trust the host to know enough to really make a safe meal / dish.  So they would not eat even after the host went through all that.  So for a big meal where most people don't have the same dietary issue, it seems to make more sense to just serve what works for most people and not be offended when the rest bring their own food.  Or if I wanted the hosted meal to accommodate complex dietary issues, it might be better to have someone with cred e.g. a celiac parent prepare at least some of the food.

[regentrude]

49 minutes ago, SKL said:

I think it sounds like a nice gesture, though I don't agree it's easy.  But on this forum I've seen many people say that even if the host says the food is xyz complying with their food restrictions, they still don't trust the host to know enough to really make a safe meal / dish.  So they would not eat even after the host went through all that.  So for a big meal where most people don't have the same dietary issue, it seems to make more sense to just serve what works for most people and not be offended when the rest bring their own food.  Or if I wanted the hosted meal to accommodate complex dietary issues, it might be better to have someone with cred e.g. a celiac parent prepare at least some of the food.

In my experience, people for whom the remote possibility of cross contamination does not cause life threatening symptoms usually trust their hosts. In my circle of friends, we all cook from scratch, and nobody has life threatening allergies, so people believe that their hosts can prepare food that is suitable for them. Of course, if the issues are complex and very dangerous, the guest should be encouraged to bring safe food. But for most restrictions, I can safely provide at home.

Edited December 17, 2018 by regentrude

[regentrude]

12 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I agree that it's good to ask, but disagree that it's necessarily easy to accommodate (as one or more posters also said). 

Ds briefly had a tutor that supposedly has celiac. I say supposedly because dh said, at the time, she had not been officially diagnosed?? She had all kinds of health stories/reactions and her own mother made gluten-free foods for her. We set up a food payment system (she was on board with that because there was barely anything on campus she could eat. Like chicken on campus had wheat bread crumbs, etc. She was mostly limited to the salad bar and vending machine snacks). I bought some prepackaged gluten-free foods and I also bought gluten-free pasta and checked labels on sauce etc. and asked questions. I gave her pasta dishes before and the prepackaged snack foods, but I found it kind of stressful for fear that I could accidentally do something wrong. I decided I preferred not to be in charge of preparing meals

If I had to make the occasional food for a gluten free person, I would not bother with gluten free substitutes for naturally gluten containing foods, but simply make food from ingredients that do not contain gluten in the first place.  Just like for visiting vegans one doesn't need to acquire vegan dairy  or meat substitutes, but can simply cook foods that originate from plants. 

(ETA: Just to be clear, I fully understand that these become much more difficult if you have to provide such meals every single day and have to be careful about balancing a diet, getting enough protein as  a vegan, satisfying the craving for bread/pasta on a gf diet.... But we're talking about occasional meals, not feeding a family member/self)

Edited December 17, 2018 by regentrude

[gardenmom5]

1 hour ago, SKL said:

I think it sounds like a nice gesture, though I don't agree it's easy.  But on this forum I've seen many people say that even if the host says the food is xyz complying with their food restrictions, they still don't trust the host to know enough to really make a safe meal / dish.  So they would not eat even after the host went through all that.  So for a big meal where most people don't have the same dietary issue, it seems to make more sense to just serve what works for most people and not be offended when the rest bring their own food.  Or if I wanted the hosted meal to accommodate complex dietary issues, it might be better to have someone with cred e.g. a celiac parent prepare at least some of the food.

for my mother's funeral dinner - since it was just our family and her closest friends - I had it at a restaurant.  my brother yelled at me for not having xyz foods that his daughter could eat.   He insisted I should have remembered - to which I pointed it if it was such a big deal, he could have said something when he knew this was in the works.  her food sensitivities are not life threatening- and they way he acts, (and other reasons I won't go into) - I'm not even sure they're legit.

what makes him  look like an even bigger dufus is the only thing she  couldn't have (according to him) - was the salad dressing.  which was served on the side.

[unsinkable]

I think in eating restrictions situations, both host and guest would ideally share the responsibility...each being "good" in her respective role. A good guest would volunteer serious restrictions and/or adjust to the meal provided. A good host would inquire about restrictions and either provide  accommodation or forthrightly say she couldn't.

of course, there are people for whom this seems oh-so-easy to do. I'm sure it is for them. I believe them when they say it. But these same people consistently cannot imagine that their experience is universal.

[regentrude]

1 minute ago, heartlikealion said:

I was trying to make things easy. I would pick up sale gluten-free snacks for her to put in her backpack or dorm to eat. I know she had issues with some foods containing gluten that you would not have guessed (I wouldn't have) like certain brands of sweet tea. So I got into the habit of looking more closely. I wasn't sure what to give her to be honest. I am not much of a cook from scratch person... although I do cook more now than I did at that time. We were doing this once a week. 

yeah,  reading package labels of processed foods is exhausting because you have to be so super careful and not everything is labeled clearly. I find it much easier to cook from scratch where I know exactly which ingredient contains gluten or animal products, than trying to figure out whether a processed food is hiding an undesired ingredient under an obscure name.