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Genealogy and very old secrets


Scarlett
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11 minutes ago, DesertBlossom said:

I have read most of this thread and I am still confused about the geneology here. I understand that there was an adopted baby in a home where a cousin was also living and (if I understand correctly) Scarlett believes the adopted baby to be the bio child of the cousin. But who is he 84 year old woman? The baby? Or the cousin? Or someone else entirely? And how is exMIL related? 

To Scarlett-- is this woman near enough to visit in person? I would imagine that in meeting her and developing some kind of relationship with her, you would be able to ascertain if she is mentally and emotionally capable of handling the questions you want to ask. You might decide you're better off not asking. Or you might be able to build a relationship with her and she would be willing to share those details with you.

 

Well, I'll dive in...

A man and woman adopted a baby, who is Scarlett's ex-MIL. This was in the 1930's or earlier, to the best of my mathy abilities.

At the same time this adopted baby was an infant, at the adopted parents home, a woman was also living. This woman was listed as a cousin to the adoptive father on a Census.

Scarlett is speculating that this woman is the biological mother of her exMIL.

The 84 woman Scarlett wants to contact is the daughter of the woman Scarlett suspects is her exMIL's mother.

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My older half-sister was given up for adoption when she was born. It was a secret for many years. I probably would never have found out except that I stumbled upon a picture of her as a newborn tucked away. I was fourteen, I think? If I hadn't found the picture I likely never would have known. 

If someone called me and started nosing around asking questions, thinking they have some kind of right to poke around in our business because TRUTH I would be incandescent with rage.

If they called an elderly woman in my family and started questioning her, I'd probably call the police because it's freaking weird and you just don't do that. And then there would be more rage.

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I can't believe it's taken five pages to tell Scarlett that cold calling an elderly woman and nosing around in family secrets is not such a good idea! I got a call like that and it was unsettling. It wasn't even about me, but about my dh who was adopted. He had recently found his birthmother (and sent her a LETTER giving her the option to contact him or not) and a cousin called asking questions that indicated she had scandalous ideas about who might be his father. No, it's not a good idea. If you must contact the woman, do it by mail so she has options.

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Not everything in the past is meant to be known, even if it affects a strand of DNA in a person. Since she is in her 80's, if you really want to approach it, I would stay very stand offish in it. Call and suggest she might be a relative and mention she was listed as a cousin to the grandparents. And then see if she brings up anything else. Otherwise, it is one of those things that should be let go.

 

In this day and age of social media and reality TV shows meant to "out" "shocking" secrets in people's lives and leave nothing private, people have grown to think that if there is a fact to be known, the more secret it might be, the more it must be know. But really, not really. It is okay for some things to be left alone.

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2 hours ago, Corraleno said:

So you missed all the times that Scarlett responded to suggestions that she be careful, take this woman's feelings into account, write a letter instead of a call out of the blue, etc., with claims that her son has the right to this information, that uncovering the TRUTH is always good, that secrets are bad and should be exposed, that she wouldn't be upset about this kind of information so why would anyone else? It was her absolute refusal to acknowledge that this information could be very hurtful and upsetting for an 84 yr old woman — and that this woman's feelings should count for something — that led to the "tone" you were hearing when you decided to pop in at the very end of the thread to chastise everyone else.

As for the comments about Scarlett being unrelated — I presume you also missed the parts where Scarlett admitted that her MIL is terribly traumatized by her past and is NOT the one who is driving this process. Her MIL and ex-husband "don't object" to her getting this info, but she is not contacting this woman for their sake. This is information Scarlett wants, for her own reasons, not something her MIL has been desperate to know all her life. In fact, opening this can of worms is far more likely to turn up information that will further traumatize her MIL, not help anyone. The actual relatives of this 84 year old are not the ones who are desperate for the information. 

This whole quest to uncover a long-buried secret risks causing two elderly women a lot of pain and further trauma for no reason other than to satisfy Scarlett's curiosity and let her fill in a blank on her son's family tree. There is no risk of Scarlett being hurt or traumatized, and she seems determined to get what she wants regardless of the potential cost to other people. 

 

And let’s not forget that Scarlett doesn’t even like her ex-MIL so she is not doing this research to help her ex-MIL solve this family mystery. It seems more like having some fun digging up dirt on her ex’s family... for the sake of “truth” and because sharing even a small amount of DNA means there is a biological connection between Scarlett’s son and the elderly woman, and a biological connection means that Scarlett is entitled to information from the woman. (And no, that doesn’t make sense to me, either — my personal feeling is that just because a person has a biological connection to someone does NOT entitle them to that person’s personal information. We aren’t talking about important medical information. This seems to be nothing more than nosiness because there might be a juicy story behind this secret.)

I really hope I’m wrong about the intentions behind this, but Scarlett would never answer what benefit she and her son hoped to derive from calling the 84yo woman other than her sense of entitlement to “truth,” and I know several of us have asked multiple times for clarification. If she had a good reason, I would have certainly given her the benefit of the doubt — although I still would have agreed with all of the suggestions to write the woman a nice letter instead of calling her.

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You're sort of right, I called Scarlett selfish, and also self-centered, but I was probably the only one to say so. I said this not just based on what went down in this thread before I read it all, but based on the many threads of hers I've read over the past few years. There is a reason some of us have very little patience for her.

And you're right, I said that Scarlett should leave any contact to the people who ostensibly have a dog in this fight, her son and ex-husband. I said that because, honestly, I don't think they care. I think that if they cared, they'd be the ones doing this project, not her, and that however weak "Well, my son doesn't know anything about his great-grandmother!" is as a motive, it's even weaker when the son in question is almost certainly okay with this fact. (And before you ask, my interpretation of this scenario has a lot to do with other threads Scarlett has made, not this one isolated topic.)

I'm sure she knows how I feel. I've certainly made no secret of it. Indeed, I'm sure she knows how each and every individual here feels, before she posts, and the feeling's probably mutual as well. I wouldn't ask for advice if I knew in advance that I'd hate the advice I was given and I didn't particularly like the people responding, but that's just me.

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37 minutes ago, mom2scouts said:

I can't believe it's taken five pages to tell Scarlett that cold calling an elderly woman and nosing around in family secrets is not such a good idea! I got a call like that and it was unsettling. It wasn't even about me, but about my dh who was adopted. He had recently found his birthmother (and sent her a LETTER giving her the option to contact him or not) and a cousin called asking questions that indicated she had scandalous ideas about who might be his father. No, it's not a good idea. If you must contact the woman, do it by mail so she has options.

 

It took 5 pages bc Scarlett seems incapable of acknowledging or recognizing that there is a possibility that contacting the woman might be harmful. 

I've had bone headed ideas that I've run by other people...and if they say, "Hey! bonehead! Not good!" I come around to the fact that the idea is not good.

I am really hopeful that Scarlett is going to not take the risk of hurting this woman.

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1 hour ago, Catwoman said:

And let’s not forget that Scarlett doesn’t even like her ex-MIL so she is not doing this research to help her ex-MIL solve this family mystery. It seems more like having some fun digging up dirt on her ex’s family... for the sake of “truth” and because sharing even a small amount of DNA means there is a biological connection between Scarlett’s son and the elderly woman, and a biological connection means that Scarlett is entitled to information from the woman. (And no, that doesn’t make sense to me, either — my personal feeling is that just because a person has a biological connection to someone does NOT entitle them to that person’s personal information. We aren’t talking about important medical information. This seems to be nothing more than nosiness because there might be a juicy story behind this secret.)

I really hope I’m wrong about the intentions behind this, but Scarlett would never answer what benefit she and her son hoped to derive from calling the 84yo woman other than her sense of entitlement to “truth,” and I know several of us have asked multiple times for clarification. If she had a good reason, I would have certainly given her the benefit of the doubt — although I still would have agreed with all of the suggestions to write the woman a nice letter instead of calling her.

 

It's unkind of me to think this, but since Scarlett doesn't even like her ex-MIL and has said that most of ex-MILs problems stem from her lying about her origin, I can't help but think this mission is to punish ex-MIL.  If it brings up pain and hard feelings, that's not Scarlett's fault; it's ultimately ex-MILs fault because she's the one that lied.  

Also thinking out loud here...if the potential 84 year old half-sister was born 5 years after ex-MIL, that means that ex-MIL is 89.  These are two very old ladies who are about to get all their skeletons pulled out of the closet by a (spiteful?) exDIL.  exMIL is already traumatized by this whole situation.  I can't imagine she's going to be zen about whatever Scarlett uncovers when she calls this lady.  The whole situation feels punitive to me. 

Edited by MissLemon
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8 minutes ago, MissLemon said:

It's unkind of me to think this, but since Scarlett doesn't even like her ex-MIL and has said that most of ex-MILs problems stem from her lying about her origin, I can't help but think this mission is to punish ex-MIL.  If it brings up pain and hard feelings, that's not Scarlett's fault; it's ultimately ex-MILs fault because she's the one that lied.  

Also thinking out loud here...if the potential 84 year old half-sister was born 5 years after ex-MIL, that means that ex-MIL is 89.  These are two very old ladies who are about to get all their skeletons pulled out of the closet by a (spiteful?) exDIL.  exMIL is already traumatized by this whole situation.  I can't imagine she's going to be zen about whatever Scarlett uncovers when she calls this lady.  The whole situation feels punitive to me. 

I did not read it as the exMIL lied...I read it as the MIL was lied TO about her origins.

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I have not read this whole thread, but am very confused.  If you are considering calling your former mother in law and have a good relationship with her, go ahead and do so.  But wouldn’t it make more sense for your son to ask his grandmother or your husband to ask his mother whatever questions there are?

If you are wanting to contact a stranger and you have her address, write a letter and explain who you are and why you are contacting her and ask if a phone call would be all right with her and when would be a good time to call.  Make it easy for her to reply, perhaps by enclosing a self addressed stamped return envelope and saying you will accept a collect call from her if that would help her.  

If you don’t have her address,  call and say you got her phone number based on a genealogy search and would like to know if she would be willing to talk with you, and if so ask when would it be convenient for her.   If she says she would like to talk explain who you and your son are, what the DNA test showed and ask her your question.  Give her your contact information in case she wants or needs that.  Thank her for her time, and any information, and hang up.  

Having been on the receiving end of somewhat similar inquiries, a letter is far, far better than a phone call. Imo.  

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30 minutes ago, Pen said:

I have not read this whole thread, but am very confused.  If you are considering calling your former mother in law and have a good relationship with her, go ahead and do so.  But wouldn’t it make more sense for your son to ask his grandmother or your husband to ask his mother whatever questions there are?

If you are wanting to contact a stranger and you have her address, write a letter and explain who you are and why you are contacting her and ask if a phone call would be all right with her and when would be a good time to call.  Make it easy for her to reply, perhaps by enclosing a self addressed stamped return envelope and saying you will accept a collect call from her if that would help her.  

If you don’t have her address,  call and say you got her phone number based on a genealogy search and would like to know if she would be willing to talk with you, and if so ask when would it be convenient for her.   If she says she would like to talk explain who you and your son are, what the DNA test showed and ask her your question.  Give her your contact information in case she wants or needs that.  Thank her for her time, and any information, and hang up.  

Having been on the receiving end of somewhat similar inquiries, a letter is far, far better than a phone call. Imo.  

The person she wants to contact isn't her estranged ex-MIL, it's a total stranger who is the daughter of someone who may or may be the biological mother of the MIL. And Scarlett does have her address — the only excuse she's given for refusing to write a letter instead of calling her out of the blue, is that if she sends the letter "it might not get to the right person." In other words, if she sends a letter and a caretaker or another relative reads it first and decides it would be upsetting, then they may not give it to her. So basically Scarlett would prefer to ambush an 84 yr old woman by phone rather than risk having someone who knows her decide that the contact could be hurtful and therefore unnecessary.

And there is no DNA linking this woman to Scarlett's ex-MIL — this whole thing is based on Scarlett's guess that a young woman who was living with the adopted family at the time, who was listed as a cousin of the adoptive father, was actually the MIL's birthmother. The 84 yr old is the daughter of this "cousin," and Scarlett wants to ask her if her mother gave up an illegitimate child several years before she was born.

Edited by Corraleno
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31 minutes ago, MissLemon said:

It's unkind of me to think this, but since Scarlett doesn't even like her ex-MIL and has said that most of ex-MILs problems stem from her lying about her origin, I can't help but think this mission is to punish ex-MIL.  If it brings up pain and hard feelings, that's not Scarlett's fault; it's ultimately ex-MILs fault because she's the one that lied.  

Also thinking out loud here...if the potential 84 year old half-sister was born 5 years after ex-MIL, that means that ex-MIL is 89.  These are two very old ladies who are about to get all their skeletons pulled out of the closet by a (spiteful?) exDIL.  exMIL is already traumatized by this whole situation.  I can't imagine she's going to be zen about whatever Scarlett uncovers when she calls this lady.  The whole situation feels punitive to me. 

I don't think it is fair to accuse Scarlett of wanting to hurt someone. A person does not need to have nefarious motives to want to research genealogy,

Speculatively imputing negative motivations to Scarlett was unkind and un-called for. If we are counseling her to act in kindness and be considerate of others we should be doing the same. 

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6 minutes ago, maize said:

I don't think it is fair to accuse Scarlett of wanting to hurt someone. A person does not need to have nefarious motives to want to research genealogy,

Speculatively imputing negative motivations to Scarlett was unkind and un-called for. If we are counseling her to act in kindness and be considerate of others we should be doing the same. 

Did you read the entire thread?  Scarlett's received a lot of kind responses on this thread and stomped on every one of them. We've asked her to explain the pressing reason she has to call this lady, and she's refused to give it, beyond wanting "The Truth".  

Maybe it is unkind to wonder if she's being spiteful, but since I can't find any other reason for this action, it's what I'm left with. 

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10 minutes ago, MissLemon said:

Did you read the entire thread?  Scarlett's received a lot of kind responses on this thread and stomped on every one of them. We've asked her to explain the pressing reason she has to call this lady, and she's refused to give it, beyond wanting "The Truth".  

Maybe it is unkind to wonder if she's being spiteful, but since I can't find any other reason for this action, it's what I'm left with. 

She has also listened at least enough to decide she will probably not call the woman.

There is no more reason for you to air speculations of spitefulness in public than there is for her to cold call an elderly woman hoping for information. Both are unnecessary actions that have the potential to hurt someone.

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20 minutes ago, MissLemon said:

Did you read the entire thread?  Scarlett's received a lot of kind responses on this thread and stomped on every one of them. We've asked her to explain the pressing reason she has to call this lady, and she's refused to give it, beyond wanting "The Truth".  

Maybe it is unkind to wonder if she's being spiteful, but since I can't find any other reason for this action, it's what I'm left with. 

As someone who posted quite a bit on this thread, I never got the impression Scarlett was doing this to be spiteful or hurt her MIL. My main impression is that she seemed unwilling and/or unable to see a point of view different from her own and to put herself in the shoes of the elderly woman.

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4 minutes ago, Frances said:

As someone who posted quite a bit on this thread, I never got the impression Scarlett was doing this to be spiteful or hurt her MIL. My main impression is that she seemed unwilling and/or unable to see a point of view different from her own and to put herself in the shoes of the elderly woman.

Well, the elderly wear such ugly shoes...

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5 minutes ago, stephanier.1765 said:

I put the question to my father who is into genealogy, especially since he is of that generation. He said call. He said he would want to know.

As a person who is into genealogy yes it makes sense that he would want to know. Not everyone feels the same way 

Writing a letter would be a way to connect with a person who does want to connect with less potential to make someone who may not be ready to connect feel put on the spot or anxious.

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1 hour ago, Corraleno said:

The person she wants to contact isn't her estranged ex-MIL, it's a total stranger who may or may not be the biological mother of the MIL. And Scarlett does have her address — the only excuse she's given for refusing to write a letter instead of calling her out of the blue, is that if she sends the letter "it might not get to the right person." In other words, if she sends a letter and a caretaker or another relative reads it first and decides it would be upsetting, then they may not give it to her. So basically Scarlett would prefer to ambush an 84 yr old woman by phone rather than risk having someone who knows her decide that the contact could be hurtful and therefore unnecessary.

And there is no DNA linking this woman to Scarlett's ex-MIL — this whole thing is based on Scarlett's guess that a young woman who was living with the adopted family at the time, who was listed as a cousin of the adoptive father, was actually the MIL's birthmother. The 84 yr old is the daughter of this "cousin," and Scarlett wants to ask her if her mother gave up an illegitimate child several years before she was born.

 

And @Scarlett

Does Scarlett know that someone else reads the 84 yo woman’s mail?  Make the envelope clearly handwritten with a clear return address. 

Write “personal and confidential “ on the front and perhaps have it be a pretty card inside in addition to a letter.  And, in fact, given the situation it may well be personal and confidential.  

One such letter I got included a chart showing what the sender had been able to piece together of his own genealogy where I was possibly? a distant cousin.  It was sort of interesting to see the genealogy chart, and made it feel like he was sharing knowledge, not merely prying for information out of the blue.  If Scarlett ‘s son is interested in this information, it may be that a letter from a child would be better received than one from an adult .  

I know someone who is definitely in the situation of having been “born out of wedlock “ and raised by a married aunt and uncle (known and out in open not speculative) — iow the position that Scarlett thinks could be the case for her xMIL. There is a huge amount of emotional pain around it.  

Whether the reason for the “out of wedlock” birth was rape, incest, adultery or a romance that didn’t work out, or even if it wasn’t “out of wedlock,” and perhaps a young husband died and the mother could not manage on her own, such a situation almost certainly means that there was some major loss. Or multiple losses. 

I was listening to an Alexander McCall Smith Ladies’ Number 1Detective Agency book where MMA Ramotswe discovers she has a half sister and feels her heart is broken because it means her father was not what she had imagined him to be.  But it is also possible that someone might learn something like this and then realize that her mother was suffering from grief she could not talk about — and perhaps it would be helpful toward self understanding. 

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30 minutes ago, stephanier.1765 said:

I put the question to my father who is into genealogy, especially since he is of that generation. He said call. He said he would want to know.

Well, of course, because those into genealogy think their right to the "truth" trumps all and everyone feels the same as they do. But what is there for this lady to know? She already personally knows rather or not she is the lady's mom if she wanted to make contact she could have but has not. The way I hear people going on about genealogy things it quite often feels like gossiping to me, I'd certainly not want my life to be treated as some spectacle or entertainment.

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35 minutes ago, stephanier.1765 said:

I put the question to my father who is into genealogy, especially since he is of that generation. He said call. He said he would want to know.

But in this case the only person who is "into genealogy" is biologically unrelated to the people whose secrets she is trying to uncover. None of the biological relatives have a burning desire to know the answer to this question, and she already knows that some of the secrets surrounding this birth and adoption have caused her ex-MIL great pain. So she is digging through another family's dirty laundry just so she can find out whether her guess about the "secret identity" of the young cousin is correct.

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14 minutes ago, soror said:

Well, of course, because those into genealogy think their right to the "truth" trumps all and everyone feels the same as they do. But what is there for this lady to know? She already personally knows rather or not she is the lady's mom if she wanted to make contact she could have but has not. The way I hear people going on about genealogy things it quite often feels like gossiping to me, I'd certainly not want my life to be treated as some spectacle or entertainment.

The woman Scarlett wants to contact isn't thought to be anyone's mom. There is a possibility she may be a younger biological half sister to Scarlett's ex mother in law.

If she is there is a good chance she has no idea that an older half sister exists. 

And painting everyone who is into genealogy with a broad brush is as silly as painting everyone who is into quilting or charity work or riding motorcycles or cosplay with a broad brush. Folks engage in hobbies and interests and passions with all kinds of different motivations and approaches.

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6 minutes ago, maize said:

The woman Scarlett wants to contact isn't thought to be anyone's mom. There is a possibility she may be a younger biological half sister to Scarlett's ex mother in law.

If she is there is a good chance she has no idea that an older half sister exists. 

And painting everyone who is into genealogy with a broad brush is as silly as painting everyone who is into quilting or charity work or riding motorcycles or cosplay with a broad brush. Folks engage in hobbies and interests and passions with all kinds of different motivations and approaches.

Yeah, I make hand made Christmas cards and there is a thread filled with comments from people who throw them in the garbage. 

It actually fulfills a couple needs of mine...the desire the cut and color teeny tiny pieces of paper and the reassurance of my pessimistic outlook on my life (that most of what I do is meaningless).

Win-win! Win!

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Is it possible that if you send a letter you can totally leave your suspicions out of it.  Just leave it that you are researching family history and you believe that the woman’s mother lived with your sons grandparents and you wondered if there’s was any possibility she had photos that may be of interest.  Then if she wants to share more she can, if she wants to leave sleeping dogs lie she can ignore or send a picture or two without telling stories or if there’s no story to tell you haven’t made any speculative guesses that will make you look stupid.  For Myself I would leave the whole thing be but if you have to make contact that seems like the gentlest way to do it.

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2 hours ago, maize said:

The woman Scarlett wants to contact isn't thought to be anyone's mom. There is a possibility she may be a younger biological half sister to Scarlett's ex mother in law.

If she is there is a good chance she has no idea that an older half sister exists. 

And painting everyone who is into genealogy with a broad brush is as silly as painting everyone who is into quilting or charity work or riding motorcycles or cosplay with a broad brush. Folks engage in hobbies and interests and passions with all kinds of different motivations and approaches.

Guess I messed up this tangled web.

No, not everyone who does genealogy is any such way but I find some genealogy discussions to be gossip, gossip about dead people but gossip nonetheless.

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3 hours ago, maize said:

I don't think it is fair to accuse Scarlett of wanting to hurt someone. A person does not need to have nefarious motives to want to research genealogy,

Speculatively imputing negative motivations to Scarlett was unkind and un-called for. If we are counseling her to act in kindness and be considerate of others we should be doing the same. 

while I don't think hurting this woman is one of her goals - I don't think she cares enough to be mindful that doing what she wants, or calling her out of the blue, could be very hurtful.

3 hours ago, maize said:

She has also listened at least enough to decide she will probably not call the woman.

There is no more reason for you to air speculations of spitefulness in public than there is for her to cold call an elderly woman hoping for information. Both are unnecessary actions that have the potential to hurt someone.

we'll see.   her responses to a thread that has been overwhelmingly  "don't call.  if you must communicate- write a letter." reminds me of someone taking their ball and going home.

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5 hours ago, Tanaqui said:

You're sort of right, I called Scarlett selfish, and also self-centered, but I was probably the only one to say so. I said this not just based on what went down in this thread before I read it all, but based on the many threads of hers I've read over the past few years. There is a reason some of us have very little patience for her.

And you're right, I said that Scarlett should leave any contact to the people who ostensibly have a dog in this fight, her son and ex-husband. I said that because, honestly, I don't think they care. I think that if they cared, they'd be the ones doing this project, not her, and that however weak "Well, my son doesn't know anything about his great-grandmother!" is as a motive, it's even weaker when the son in question is almost certainly okay with this fact. (And before you ask, my interpretation of this scenario has a lot to do with other threads Scarlett has made, not this one isolated topic.)

I'm sure she knows how I feel. I've certainly made no secret of it. Indeed, I'm sure she knows how each and every individual here feels, before she posts, and the feeling's probably mutual as well. I wouldn't ask for advice if I knew in advance that I'd hate the advice I was given and I didn't particularly like the people responding, but that's just me.

 

Ouch. I’m firmly in the camp that believes you leave people alone until they opt to test, but this is HARSH.

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I was thinking the 84 year old woman was the potential birth mother. But it's potentially ex-MIL's half-sister? Correct? I know out of wedlock births were very taboo and considered shameful, so I think contacting a potential birth mother could be traumatic. But since it is not the 84 year old woman's "sin" (so to speak) she might be excited to find she had a half sister. However I think if anyone is going to make the call and start asking questions it ought to be ex-MIL. I think it would go over 1000x better than if Scarlett made the call. 

I don't know what kind of trauma MIL has been through and if she's willing or wanting to make that call, but I would think if she did it, things would go over better. 

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22 hours ago, SereneHome said:

I did read that part.  But again, the person possibly born out of wedlock is Scarlet's MIL, correct?  So, if anyone would be hurt, it would be MIL.  How does calling MIL's half sister with some initial general questions makes this a crime?

Either she won't bring up the whole out of wedlock thing, in which case what is the freaking point? OR, she will have to ask or hint that the woman's mother had an out of wedlock child and gave it away before she was born. Calling an old lady you don't know to discuss her late mother's sexual escapades is NEVER polite or in good taste. And may be traumatic. 

10 hours ago, unsinkable said:

Well, I'll dive in...

A man and woman adopted a baby, who is Scarlett's ex-MIL. This was in the 1930's or earlier, to the best of my mathy abilities.

At the same time this adopted baby was an infant, at the adopted parents home, a woman was also living. This woman was listed as a cousin to the adoptive father on a Census.

Scarlett is speculating that this woman is the biological mother of her exMIL.

The 84 woman Scarlett wants to contact is the daughter of the woman Scarlett suspects is her exMIL's mother.

Or, in much more likely scenarios, a cousin came and helped out with the baby for a while, as often was done. 

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