Parent Removal of Student from College?

[jpklehm]

Let me be clear...he's not failing, he's not partying, he's not gaming, his college has not kicked him out and he's not on academic probation.  He is attending all classes and is turning in all assignments.

His time management skills are poor; he thinks he's allowed himself enough time to study for a test or to complete a project, he thinks he's studied enough for a test, he thinks he understands a concept well, etc.  He attends study groups when available, he visits professors during office hours to get add'l help with concepts, he has an academic consultant (that he's paying for) that he talks with once a week, etc.  

Our son enjoys being at school and the freedom it affords.   However, he has always struggled to make and keep friends and it isn't any different at college.  He's not as involved in a social way as he'd like and as we'd like for him.

No sugar-coating: his grades are bad (a B, two Cs, and a fail).  This is typical; his GPA after 3 semesters is a mid 2.ish (I'm not sure what it is exactly).

My husband is concerned that keeping him at college is hurting him more than it is helping him (low GPA...losing prospective job opportunities in the future) and that it is costing us a lot of money to keep him there to do mediocre or worse.  He wants to bring our son home (he's two hours away at college right now) and have him live at home and commute to a local university to finish his college degree.

Honestly, I'm torn.  I continue to question whether he's in the right major (computer science...he's good with this but I don't believe it's his passion) and whether this is something he needs to learn how to do on his own (college away from home).  My fear is we remove him from college when he really needed to stay put and persevere.  

I would love to hear from anyone who has experienced this with their college student.  Thank you!

 

[regentrude]

For a comp sci major, his grades aren't terrible.  He's a sophomore? I would discuss this with him, but I don't see this situation as bad enough to warrant pulling him out. He is doing the right things and has to take classes where a C may be the medium. He may need more time to mature his ef skills, but he sounds like a normal student to me. 

Eta: I am a professor and academic advisor and see hundreds of STEM students each semester.  Your son sounds completely normal and average. 

Edited December 12, 2018 by regentrude

[regentrude]

About the social involvement, encourage him to join a stdy group, but don't expect him to become a social butterfly.  If he has always been introverted,  he's in good company in his major

[Bootsie]

What would the advantages of bringing him home to commute to the local college?  Is tuition lower?  Would it simply be saving room and board?  

If he is somewhat involved at his local school (seeing professors, living in the dorm), he would be starting all over at a new school.  Commuting adds its own difficulties: it is not as easy to meet with study groups, parking can be a hassle, you have more daily distractions, etc.  

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think that a parent removing a student from college for that reason is a huge overstep.  He should be learning to have more autonomy, not less.  And other than the "fail" in one class, I don't see those as abysmal grades. 

[MinivanMom]

No experience from the parent side, but my husband experienced this situation from the student side.

He was a 4.0 student and valedictorian with very, very involved parents who were always present and made sure that he never wobbled. He went to a good university out-of-state and really struggled the first two semesters. Just to be clear, he wasn't partying or blowing off classes (dh doesn't drink). He was just struggling with time management and seeking out academic help, etc. And he was afraid to tell his parents anything, because he had seen them flip their lid over his older sister struggling in college. So by the time they saw his grades at the end of the year, his gpa had dipped below 3.0. And, of course, they flipped and told him he was a disappointment and that they had wasted their money on him (even though dh had paid his own freshman tuition).

So they forced him to transfer to the local university and live at home. (I guess he could have defied them, but he was raised to obey his parents.) What had been a warm relationship quickly deteriorated. Dh moved out after a year and never took another penny from them. He paid his own tuition, got A's going forward, graduated from the local university, and then went to grad school. But the underlying issue of his parents (particularly his dad) trying to control him meant that their relationship continued to deteriorate and is still not good today.

So I'm going to be strongly on the side that says, "Let your son stay in college, learn to manage his own studies, and learn to persevere." Your husband is on the wrong track if he thinks he's going to improve the situation by bringing a 21-yr-old home to micromanage his college studies. It sounds like your son is trying to work through the issues and figure them out. Let him struggle and learn.

[8filltheheart]

We removed our ds from college, but it was a little more complicated than what you have posted. I'll share just in case there is more to your ds's story and our experience might be helpful. 

Our ds needs a lot of support to function. He cannot manage juggling multiple balls simultaneously. When he starts to get overwhelmed, he starts to shut down. (And I don't mean that figuratively. He just stops doing anything he needs to do.) He suffers from extreme anxiety.

While our decision to pull him out is complicated, one factor that made our decision was the cost outweighed his ability to function. As classes became more open-ended with more complex assignments, it became clear that he couldn't cope with them on his own without major breakdowns along the way, and we doubted his ability to be able to cope better in employment. We could not imagine any job where he would receive equivalent levels of support and when combined with the level of anxiety he was having, we couldn't see him functioning that way long-term.

Fwiw, I will disagree with everyone else even if your ds's only issue is grades and nothing else. If his being there is a financial stress, there is nothing wrong with finding an option where he can complete his degree at a more reasonable cost. There are plenty of paths to adulthood and all the skills don't need to put under the heading if college. He can master independence and other life skills off campus.

[RootAnn]

If the real reason for bringing him home is finances, then that needs to be clearly laid out to him. If the real reason is that your DH feels micromanaging your ds will result in better grades and a better job outlook, then that needs to be made clear as well. 

Assuming your ds is neurotypical with just normal (boy) EF issues that he is working through with help, I wouldn't bring him home. That could result in a downward depression/self-esteem spiral.

[8filltheheart]

3 minutes ago, RootAnn said:

If the real reason for bringing him home is finances, then that needs to be clearly laid out to him. If the real reason is that your DH feels micromanaging your ds will result in better grades and a better job outlook, then that needs to be made clear as well. 

Assuming your ds is neurotypical with just normal (boy) EF issues that he is working through with help, I wouldn't bring him home. That could result in a downward depression/self-esteem spiral.

I agree fully. You need to be clear about the reasons. Micromanagement would not be a good one, imho. 

[teachermom2834]

This is a hard situation. I have one ds who if he was in that position I would absolutely not bring him home. His personality would be such to do even worse at home. As frustrated as I would be he would need lots of encouragement and coaxing him along. But the second we made it look like we didn’t believe in him or support him he’d probably bail out completely. So with that kid bringing him home would probably result in him quitting school completely or doing even worse at home. Some young men react very poorly to micromanaging like that. Some young men just really need to be on their own and finding their own way even if they aren’t really ready or are fumbling around. Very hard as a parent.

On the other hand, my other two boys are much more compliant and would probably respond fine to coming home to regroup and try again with parental support.

I really want my kids to get their degrees. I want them to be engaged and have good job prospects and make good grades.  But if all my kid can do is graduate with a 2.0 GPA I still want him to do it. I still think (for my kid- not all kids) that he is better equipped to make his way in the world with the degree than without. Even though I would be sad or frustrated he didn’t make more of the opportunity. 

Now- financial concerns are real and concrete. I have no problem making an adjustment if necessary financially. 

[FairProspects]

Outside of teaching, does GPA matter for jobs at all? My dh is an undiagnosed dyslexic and did poorly in several reading heavy classes at the end of his college career. It has not made one iota of difference for his career, and this is including the one class he passed with a D- or a 0.7. All that mattered was that he passed the requirements to get the degree. I can't speak to the other concerns and if there financial reasons, that does change the picture a bit, but poor EF skills and grades are not a reason I would consider pulling an adult out of their current situation.

Edited December 12, 2018 by FairProspects

[regentrude]

1 hour ago, 8FillTheHeart said:

Fwiw, I will disagree with everyone else even if your ds's only issue is grades and nothing else. If his being there is a financial stress, there is nothing wrong with finding an option where he can complete his degree at a more reasonable cost. There are plenty of paths to adulthood and all the skills don't need to put under the heading if college. He can master independence and other life skills off campus.

I agree with the bolded, but the OP didn't sound like family finances was the main concern, but rather her DS' performance and his struggles with time management.

If time management is the main issue, and he is otherwise neurotypical, that is something he needs to learn. Having him live at home so that mom and dad can remind him of deadlines and act as his secretary will not teach him anything.

OP: what is bringing him home supposed to accomplish?

[regentrude]

4 minutes ago, FairProspects said:

Outside of teaching, does GPA matter for jobs at all?

If he is comp sci, internships and a portfolio of completed projects that demonstrate his coding abilities are far more important.

[Julie of KY]

What does your son want to do? I think there is a fine line between micromanaging and supporting your son. 

I see one failed class - that can be retaken - , but nothing else jumps out at me. The grades aren't spectacular, but neither are the average college student's grades. An introvert is not going to all of a sudden become a social butterfly no matter where he lives. Executive functioning skills are tough for some to learn, but often will be learned with experience. 

Is he growing and learning? Is he becoming overwhelmed and depressed? You say he likes the school and independence,  and I think there is a lot that can be learned by struggling through how to manage your time rather than coming home and having someone "help" too much. 

There are good reasons to bring him home and I would listen to your instinct as well. If it's a financial strain then finances should be the focus and it shouldn't matter what his grades are. Is he overwhelmed - it doesn't sound like it. 

What's the reality of graduating with a GPA of 2.5 or 2.0? You might ask the school. I would think that he would still be good for many jobs as he learned the material to graduate. He might not get a chance at the top nitch jobs but they also might not be a good fit if he has trouble with EF. After he gets his first job, it's likely that his GPA will never be asked again. So the bottom line is that he'll learn different things if he stays there or if he comes home and is one really better than the other? I think it depends much on the student and the family.

[City Mouse]

If you can't afford to support him at that college that is one thing. Then you would need to let him know well in advance that you can only provide xxxx amount of money. That will allow him to decide how he will finish paying.

if  you have the money but you feel that his grades are not strong enough for you to keep sinking that much money into his education, then tell him so that he can make his own plans. 

i am going to assume that you are not going to refuse to support him financially because he isn't making the friends/social connections that you think are necessary. If he is happy with his level of social interaction, then I would stay out f the completely. If he ask for suggestions that is a different matter.

i think forcing a 20yr old adult child to do what the parents want with no consideration for the adult child's wishes has the potential to end very badly.

Edited December 13, 2018 by City Mouse

[Heathermomster]

If your DS is struggling with time management, maybe hire a CBT near your son that specializes in EF and help him, help himself.  If you suspect any attention issues, he may require meds and academic accommodations.  He may also need to go down to 12 hrs a semester and graduate on a 4.5-5 year plan.  If there is a uni nearby, maybe allow him to come home for a semester, take part-time classes, use a local cbt, and send him back to his uni in the fall.

Over the summer, my son took on-line time management classes with Marydee Sklar, and they were very helpful.

Edited December 13, 2018 by Heathermomster

[Corraleno]

On 12/12/2018 at 8:34 AM, jpklehm said:

Let me be clear...he's not failing, he's not partying, he's not gaming, his college has not kicked him out and he's not on academic probation.  He is attending all classes and is turning in all assignments.

His time management skills are poor; he thinks he's allowed himself enough time to study for a test or to complete a project, he thinks he's studied enough for a test, he thinks he understands a concept well, etc.  He attends study groups when available, he visits professors during office hours to get add'l help with concepts, he has an academic consultant (that he's paying for) that he talks with once a week, etc.  

Our son enjoys being at school and the freedom it affords.   However, he has always struggled to make and keep friends and it isn't any different at college.  He's not as involved in a social way as he'd like and as we'd like for him.

No sugar-coating: his grades are bad (a B, two Cs, and a fail).  This is typical; his GPA after 3 semesters is a mid 2.ish (I'm not sure what it is exactly).

Lots of kids who were straight-A students in HS get a rude awakening in college. And honestly, a 2.5 (ish) GPA is not that tragic for a first-semester sophomore in a STEM field. Freshman year for STEM majors tends to be filled with weed-out classes — there are many many STEM majors at my son's university who are praying like crazy right now just to pass their calc/bio/chem/engineering finals with a C or D (and some are even taking the classes for the second time). I couldn't find stats specifically for CS, but according to this chart, the average GPA for engineering majors is 2.9. And your son is obviously working hard and doing everything he should be doing in terms of attending classes and seeking help, so it seems unfair to penalize him by pulling him out of school just because he (like tens of thousands of other college students) struggles with time management.

 

On 12/12/2018 at 8:34 AM, jpklehm said:

My husband is concerned that keeping him at college is hurting him more than it is helping him (low GPA...losing prospective job opportunities in the future) and that it is costing us a lot of money to keep him there to do mediocre or worse.  He wants to bring our son home (he's two hours away at college right now) and have him live at home and commute to a local university to finish his college degree.

Honestly, I'm torn.  I continue to question whether he's in the right major (computer science...he's good with this but I don't believe it's his passion) and whether this is something he needs to learn how to do on his own (college away from home).  My fear is we remove him from college when he really needed to stay put and persevere.  

I would love to hear from anyone who has experienced this with their college student.  Thank you!

 

If the only actual issue at his current school is time management, how does making him live at home solve that? If his time is micromanaged by his parents, how will he learn those skills on his own? And as for him not having the social life that you and your husband "would like for him," living at home will only make harder for him to find and maintain friendships with other students.

IMO, pulling your son out of school and insisting he move home sends the message that you and your husband have no faith in his ability to learn and grow and solve his own problems, so he needs to go back to being micromanaged by mommy and daddy. It's telling him he's failed when he's just barely gotten started. If he was partying and playing video games all the time and not even trying, it would be different. But it sounds like he is struggling a bit but trying to get help, so I would approach the issue in terms of "how can we help you?" rather than "your efforts aren't good enough, you need to give up and come home now."

 

Edited December 13, 2018 by Corraleno

[8filltheheart]

I have no idea the background of the student involved, but I think the parents need to really sit down and discuss what it is they are seeing and what their real concerns are.

Reading this thread, if I didn't know what I know about our ds, I would assume we had made a horrid mistake when we pulled our ds out of school (we simply refused to continue to pay for him to attend. And, no, that was not what he wished.) He had a 3.8 GPA at the time.  He didn't struggle with final grades after finally producing required output.  It was everything that we witnessed going on around getting to that output that mattered and made our decision.  Based on everything we have lived through with him in the yrs since, it was right call.  He is back at school now as a 26 yr old.  He will easily complete this degree (for free since he qualifies for Pell and state scholarship $$) while attending part-time and working full-time.  The bigger question for us is if he will be able to handle the job on the other end. That I am still very doubtful about and will really depend on the employer. Pt being -- mental health, EF issues, coping, etc.....grades, attending classes, and seeking help don't necessarily all add up to everything being OK. Only the OP knows the student in question well enough to know whether this is just over-reacting parents or based on knowledge of the ds that is really concerning.

If it is just grades the OP is worried about, they should probably just let it go.  But, if they are aware of other issues that make them question their decisions leading to this point, they need to discuss them with the ds and decide mutually the best path forward for everyone (student wishes and parental finances).  

[Kassia]

23 hours ago, regentrude said:

If he is comp sci, internships and a portfolio of completed projects that demonstrate his coding abilities are far more important.

 

That is not what my sons experienced.  Many companies had a minimum GPA for applicants.  No one asked for a portfolio.  

[8filltheheart]

15 minutes ago, Kassia said:

That is not what my sons experienced.  Many companies had a minimum GPA for applicants.  No one asked for a portfolio.  

That is the same with our chemE ds--GPA was an initial filter for getting interviews. For chemEs it was a 3.5.

[dirty ethel rackham]

It sounds like he is being proactive on getting the help he needs to be successful.  I wouldn't pull him, based upon what you have shared here.  I have had to pull a kid from college, but the mental health issues precipitated a downward spiral in grades.  It doesn't sound like this is the case with your child.  Nothing I see about the grades would be reason to pull your son.  I agree with Corraleno that offering support and assistance would be a better approach than punishing your child for not being good enough.  

[...................]

I would give him another chance before removing him.  Freshman year is very hard and the adjustment is hard.  The low GPA won't hurt his job prospects at all.  They'll never know his GPA. As they say, "C's get degrees!" 

Over the break I would:

1.  Discuss a change of major.  My son is a computer science major and it's a lot of math.  3-4 levels of Calculus, calc based physics, several levels of Discreet Math, not including the programming classes. If you're not driven and passionate, it's a very very hard major to "just do just because"  !! 

2.  Discuss the fact that if he fails another class, he will have to come home and try something different. He needs to work harder at time management...

But TBH and I say this with two kids of my own, one of which could not do this...another thought is that not everyone can be a rocket scientist.  Not everyone can be a computer scientist either.  Aside from time management, could it be possible that he's just not cut out for this major?  Should he take something less math focused?  I'd be curious to know which class he actually failed.  

I personally was failing out of my own first semester at college due to partying and other factors and it was very ugly.  My parents brought me home and it wasn't much better....I felt lost and misdirected and being back home in my small town did me no favors.  

I don't know for sure what you should do, but I am just pointing out that things could get worse instead of better by bringing him home, so another chance might be a good idea too. 🙂

[...................]

Also, is he the 15 or 21 year old? or is your sig not up to date? 

If he is either 15 or 21 I would need some background to understand why a kid that age is a freshman at U and what the context is, too.

[jpklehm]

Thanks to you all for your responses.

Our ds is actually a junior (barely) right now.  He is finishing his third semester at this university.  He stayed home and went to our CC his first year after high school and transferred credits to his current university.  His first semester away was a disaster; he retook two classes his second semester.

Time Mgmt and test-taking are his real issues.  He has never been good at taking tests.

We have been very supportive of our ds, and yes, we have asked many times, "How can we help you?"  We're not doing this out of anger or as a punishment, and he knows this; we know he's trying.  We're just trying to find the best solution for him.  My dh found an online academic consultant for our son this semester, who is helping him with his time mgmt and test-taking struggles (we were trying to remove ourselves from the situation (no micromanaging) by having a third person help him).

This has been a very difficult decision for us as we don't want to bring him home, we just want what's best for his future.  And yes, I totally get it that he needs to get through his struggles and persevere on his own, but at what point do we as parents stop helping?  Ugh...

Thanks again, all.

[...................]

Wow you guys have done some great things to help him, while not micromanaging! ((hugs))

I don't know what the answer is. You must be tired of paying extra money out of pocket.  Have you considered telling ds that he has to get a summer job to make up for the lost money?  Not out of punishment, but just that you can't do it all.  

((hugs)) It sounds like you have a tough situation on your hands.

[Lanny]

I read the OP and a few of the replies. 

What is his "passion" if it is not CS?  And if CS is not his passion, then it is tough sledding.

Is the CS in the College/School of Engineering?  If so, again, that is very tough sledding.

Although I do not consider CS to be as rigorous as for example, EE, it is plenty tough, especially for someone who does not consider CS to be their "passion"

Does your DH understand how tough the experience is for STEM Majors?

The Colleges/Schools of Engineering in many universities are quite upfront about the rigor. Texas Tech University, for example, something I read on their web site, 2 or 3 years ago, indicated that if a student cannot hack it, they will help them transfer into another College/School within the university.   IMO it is somewhat like Medical School.  If one survives the Freshman year, one is probably going to end up being a doctor. The wash out rate is very high, for Medical school and for Engineering school.  

[8filltheheart]

53 minutes ago, jpklehm said:

Thanks to you all for your responses.

Our ds is actually a junior (barely) right now.  He is finishing his third semester at this university.  He stayed home and went to our CC his first year after high school and transferred credits to his current university.  His first semester away was a disaster; he retook two classes his second semester.

Time Mgmt and test-taking are his real issues.  He has never been good at taking tests.

We have been very supportive of our ds, and yes, we have asked many times, "How can we help you?"  We're not doing this out of anger or as a punishment, and he knows this; we know he's trying.  We're just trying to find the best solution for him.  My dh found an online academic consultant for our son this semester, who is helping him with his time mgmt and test-taking struggles (we were trying to remove ourselves from the situation (no micromanaging) by having a third person help him).

This has been a very difficult decision for us as we don't want to bring him home, we just want what's best for his future.  And yes, I totally get it that he needs to get through his struggles and persevere on his own, but at what point do we as parents stop helping?  Ugh...

Thanks again, all.

You sound like you have been incredibly supportive and have tried to help him find his own feet. It sounds to me like you all fully equipped to make this decision as a family. There is no universal correct answer. Your family sounds like you know what you are doing, so go with your gut.

In terms of when you stop helping, um, we never have.  We don't enable them, but we are always here to support our kids. Goodness, my grandkids lived with us for 2 months this school yr bc dil was on bedrest with her 4th pregnancy and then had a traumatic delivery with numerous complications, so she still couldn't take care of the older 3. (My parents and in-laws would never have done that!!! But, we have a far different relationship with our kids than Dh and I had/have with our own.) 

[Bootsie]

If I were in your shoes, some things I would consider are:

1)  What is the class he failed this semester?  Is it very different than the classes he passed? (math-oriented, lots of writing, essay exams, a bad time of day for him, etc.)  Did he do poorly on one exam that brought the average down, or was everything in the class indicate poor performance? 

2)  Did he have trouble taking tests at the CC?  If he finds taking tests difficult, that will not change if he goes to school locally unless the difficulty level at the two schools is significantly different.

3)  What resources does his existing school offer for struggling students?  His GPA for this semester would be below a 2.0 with the grades you report, so he might qualify for some type of campus program to assist with studying.  I would explore those options before using a consultant because someone tied to the school is more likely to know the school's culture, the specific resources available there, and the process for accessing them.

4)  What is the current school's policy for retaking classes?  Some will average the two grades.  Others will allow the new grade to replace the "F" in GPA calculations.  If this school does the later, it could be better off for his GPA to stay at this school and retake the class with the "F" than to transfer to another school where the F will remain an F.

It is hard to know what is best for his future.  If the school where he is now has a good reputation, a strong alum network, and a good career center for placing graduates, he won't have trouble with an "F" on his transcript.  I have even had students get top jobs with firms like Goldman Sachs who had an "F" on their transcript.  If the school he would be going to is considered a good deal weaker, potential employers could look and see that he was making poor grades before, switched and made fair (but not great grades) at the new school.  It would be easier to explain that he had a bad semester, or some difficulties getting settled at a new school the first few semesters, but look how he turned it around by the end to a potential employer. 

[Garga]

Has he been tested for learning disability issues?  Like, a slow processing speed which could enable him to have accommodations on tests, like extra time?  There are accommodations that colleges offer, but the student usually has to have a report from a psychologist who does psychoeducational evaluations to access them.  Could it be that he needs accommodations?

[kirag714]

And to add one more perspective, sometimes stepping away from school for a time is the best decision.

My son is very smart, but has always struggled with time management, motivation and breaking down large projects into manageable chunks. After just barely graduating from a large public urban Magnet High School (he rarely did homework and his class grades were generally a bunch of 0's and 100's that ended up with him passing by the skin of his teeth) he moved to an art school for college. Again, he was either "on" or "off" and he ended up failing out after one year - his grades were an intriguing combination of A/B's and F's. After that he tried CC in our city and a CC in another city with more or less the same result, before we all decided that obviously the best thing was for him to take some time off and work for a while.

About 18 months ago he had made some life changes and decided that he really wanted to go back to school. Very much to our surprise, he decided to attend a very small, religious school near us (we're in Philadelphia) where my mother had taught sociology for 40 years. He's not religious at all - but he liked the size and they had a fledgling innovative program in building arts that we was very interested in. So he went back to school as a freshman at 22. And it has been a slam dunk! There have been a few bumps along the way - some pretty big including a very poor teacher for a computer science class that he'll need to redo, the death of my mom :( who was mentoring the heck out of him, and a health crisis that put in the hospital for a week. But except for that one class he is getting mostly A's and some B's, and actually won a scholarship that a local company to the building arts student with the best GPA. Most importantly he is now experiencing himself as competent and capable, and his motivation is coming from his own desire to succeed and do well. In his case he just needed a few more years of maturing and brain development.

It sounds like you have a lot insight into your son and what types of supports he needs. I think you can trust your gut on this!

[linders]

I completely agree with the general consensus of let-him-stay-and-figure-it-out. I foresee my DS18 having the same issues next year, - so far in his life he has relied heavily on a very small high school plus support from home to make up for lack of time management. It will be a tough first year at college and I will have to bite my tongue.

Your DH sounds concerned about the "money wasted." If he imposes this feeling on your DS, it could cause a lot of guilt. It might not be feasible, but could DS do something to kick in more on the money end? Working part time at school? I know it sounds counterintuitive but for some people, having more to do actually forces them into better time management. At least work breaks and summer with the money going to school rather than more frivolous expenses.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

I like the cooping idea above. This is something the university might have a system for.

Computer Science is a tough major. I think some people think they will like the degree because they like being on a computer. There is a lot of heavy math and tough thinking behind the degree. 

You might see if any courses can be taken at the CC over the summer that will transfer into the major (beyond those he's already transferred). Discrete Mathematics is a popular course to transfer in at my son's school. 

I would also clarify if the fail is an F or something below a C. At some schools certain courses must be a C or higher if they are a prerequisite for a further course in the degree.

[Reefgazer]

On ‎12‎/‎12‎/‎2018 at 11:34 AM, jpklehm said:

Let me be clear...he's not failing, he's not partying, he's not gaming, his college has not kicked him out and he's not on academic probation.  He is attending all classes and is turning in all assignments.

His time management skills are poor; he thinks he's allowed himself enough time to study for a test or to complete a project, he thinks he's studied enough for a test, he thinks he understands a concept well, etc.  He attends study groups when available, he visits professors during office hours to get add'l help with concepts, he has an academic consultant (that he's paying for) that he talks with once a week, etc.  

Our son enjoys being at school and the freedom it affords.   However, he has always struggled to make and keep friends and it isn't any different at college.  He's not as involved in a social way as he'd like and as we'd like for him.

No sugar-coating: his grades are bad (a B, two Cs, and a fail).  This is typical; his GPA after 3 semesters is a mid 2.ish (I'm not sure what it is exactly).

My husband is concerned that keeping him at college is hurting him more than it is helping him (low GPA...losing prospective job opportunities in the future) and that it is costing us a lot of money to keep him there to do mediocre or worse.  He wants to bring our son home (he's two hours away at college right now) and have him live at home and commute to a local university to finish his college degree.

Honestly, I'm torn.  I continue to question whether he's in the right major (computer science...he's good with this but I don't believe it's his passion) and whether this is something he needs to learn how to do on his own (college away from home).  My fear is we remove him from college when he really needed to stay put and persevere.  

I would love to hear from anyone who has experienced this with their college student.  Thank you!

 

Without knowing your son, I would say let him stay at college if he would like to stay; it actually seems like he has adjusted well and is doing a lot right.  Sure, he may have to learn time management skills, but he is not the first kid to have to do that on the fly in college.  Now I am not promoting mediocrity here, but after I graduated, not a single soul asked for my GPA -they only cared about the degree and my experience in the field, which I got through internships.  So if you are worried about his career prospects after, I would encourage him to get an internship in his field of interest, encourage more time-management work, and support his successes and the things *is* doing right.  In fact, I would not pull him out of college, because if your DH is concerned with career prospects with a mediocre GPA, imagine how low the career prospects would be without a degree at all.  I would love him, support in improving where he needs improving, praise him for what he does well, and let him find his own way in college.  I can't emphasize enough to let him be him, even if he is reticent about making friends - we can't all be social butterflies and extroverts.  Criticizing something as basic as his personality and introvertedness can't be good for him.

Edited December 18, 2018 by Reefgazer