Resources for teaching social skills

[maize]

Young teen, diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety, would qualify for Tourette diagnosis, very socially awkward in general and particularly struggling with invading people's personal space and also with trying to control behavior of siblings (probably as a way to calm own anxiety). Spectrumish kid but neuropsych thinks he does not quite meet diagnostic criteria for autism spectrum.

Hateshateshates to be corrected. I talk and talk and talk about how I am trying to help him learn appropriate social skills because I love him and want him to have a happy life but he claims I correct him more than his siblings because I love him less.

Help?

I haven't been able to find an appropriate social skills group for him locally and don't know that we could afford it if I did find one. He is involved in outside of home activities for 15+ hours per week with kids who are generally pretty tolerant of his quirks but he doesn't have any real friends.

[PeterPan]

Well the Social Thinking people acknowledge the situation you're seeing, that we have to intervene irrespective of what someone decides his DSM label is. https://www.socialthinking.com/Articles?name=Social Thinking Social Communication Profile This is the article to get you started.

My two cents is that Social Thinking is this really metacognitive thing and that we have some foundational, precursor skills to build that make it come together better.

https://www.mahlerautism.com/interoception I've been talking about this a lot with the new curriculum coming out. This would blow your mind and up his game immensely.

Relationship Development Intervention with Young Children: Social and Emotional Development Activities for Asperger Syndrome, Autism, PDD and NLD There's also a teen book for this and a directory of consults who could do an intake eval and give you homework. For the *exceptionally low* price of what it would cost you (intake eval only or once a month consults) you might like the amount of information you get. It was good for us and we could stand to do more. It was a good starter thing for us and blends nicely with everything else, HIGHLY recommend doing in some fashion. 

As far as the hates to be corrected, what we find is that you have to lower stress. So red zone, yellow zone, these aren't teachable moments. So if we're not green, get it back to green. If we're going to talk about something hard, we're gonna make sure we're green and all that tension is diffused, and we're gonna do some things to keep the body calm. Anything that is stressful (like talking about social!) is going to up that anxiety and require more supports to help them stay calm. So you can play games, keep it low key, have them doing some stims (swings, whatever works). Get the body calm and keep it calm.

So what I notice is that the SLP delivery of social skills and social thinking intervention is really driven by the IEP process, goals, and this need to effect change. They're gonna go in with a goal, show videos, talk about it, and dag-gum that kid is GONNA DO IT. And your very bright kid will memorize and learn the faces and words they say. Will he apply it? Will he recognize it in himself? Will it be natural and durable?

So flip that and ask what would happen if you slowed it down and let it happen inductively. Like if you do the new IAC (interoception awareness curriculum) coming out, he could begin to realize his body, realize how HE feels, and then transition that over to realizing how other people feel. It would be a slower, more inductive process.

I really like the foundational skills taught in something like We Thinkers, SuperFlex, Social Thinking Detective, that kind of thing. Those really foundational concepts like body in the group, etc. just need to be taught, flat up, no mincing around. The concepts are repeated in all the materials, so it doesn't matter what you buy, only whether the level of presentation fits him. 

But beyond that, getting into the weeds, well I'll just say I fired the SLP trying to do it with my ds. I needed the (remove not nice words) woman to do SYNTAX so my ds could say things, and instead she was like no no I'm gonna show him videos and we're gonna talk about social! LAZY, LAZY, LAZY. Seriously, that's what it is. They have their pet things and they don't want to do custom and hard work. It's hard work to work with someone inductively, doing activities to help them discover how they feel and what the words for it are and then transfer that understanding to others. But it's more durable than memorizing a list of faces or terms. My ds can spew terms all day, but he couldn't APPLY because he didn't even realize WHAT HE WAS FEELING. That was the thing that shocked me about his Interoception Assessment results. We had spent so much time teaching him strategies for this, strategies for that, and realize was he didn't KNOW when he was feeling those things!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And if you don't realize and understand them in yourself, how are you going to see those things and recognize them in others? So phase 3 of the IAC is where they transition from understanding their own bodies (phase 1) and getting the words for what they're feeling (phase 2) to now recognizing it in others (phase 3). And wouldn't that solve a LOT of problems, if he was being less oblivious and noticing things? LOL Yes, if my ds noticed how the dog feels, how I feel, etc., that would help. 

AAPC has some really good books, so you might see what else jumps out at you. I just got Destination Friendship, which has checklists to help you make social outings more instructive. As you say, it's not enough just to be in a room with other people. The way Ruth Aspy puts it is that you have to have goals and feedback. If you don't have goals (things HE REALIZES he's trying to work on for that outing) and feedback, then how does he improve? He doesn't. 

Here's that book.                                  Destination Friendship                              There are a lot of books now on social. You might find some other gems on the AAPC site. It's not like they're the only good publisher, but pretty much everything they sell is really good. I picked up a couple of the Hidden Curriculum books and the 101 Social Rules for Kids. I figure I'll start going through them with my ds pretty soon. It's that balance, that mix of what we're going to teach explicitly and what we're helping him discover and begin noticing for himself.

[PeterPan]

31 minutes ago, maize said:

he doesn't have any real friends

Just to pull this down, have you read Just Give Him the Whale!: 20 Ways to Use Fascinations, Areas of Expertise, and Strengths to Support Students with Autism  You can't always predict who people will click with, but it may be he'll do better finding friendships around his particular interests. For my ds, we're teaching him to play card games and I'm hoping that will open some doors for social.

[Lecka]

https://www.semel.ucla.edu/node/2625

My son is a little too young for it, but I have heard a little about the UCLA PEERS program.  They have a parent book available, and a book that maybe goes through the program?  I’m not sure.  

I would love to hear from someone with first-hand experience or who buys the parent book or manual.  P

Anyway — you can see if it looks interesting to you or the right age (it might be a little old for your son also).  

I like Social Thinking a lot, my son is in the material aimed at the youngest kids, though.  I think it would be worthwhile to browse though.  These are materials used in a lot of social skills groups, so you can have access to the same materials.  Where we used to live, they had a “movie club” for social skills for middle school.  I heard that kids that age can do better with critiquing someone in a movie, than being critiqued themselves.  It might be easier for some things.

I think you are right to correct him.  I don’t know if it’s possible to correct him a little later sometimes in private.  There is something called “social autopsies” that you could probably google with autism (I will look for a link) that I have also heard, middle school kids can do better with.  

My older son can get the same way with thinking he is always the one corrected.  I have taken sometimes to telling him or *pointing out to him* in a quiet, private way when I have had a talk with his sister.  If he is present he might not *notice.*  If I talk to her privately he might not know.  Honestly I think it helps.  He is old enough and I have discussed with him and trust him on this — he isn’t going to go back and tell my daughter “mom said blah blah.”  And it’s not telling him things that would be secrets, it is more spelling things out for him that he doesn’t notice.  

Because when you add in the things he doesn’t notice or realize, then it seems a LOT more lopsided. Maybe it also helps his social awareness?  I don’t know.  I kind-of doubt it, but who knows, maybe I am adding some drops to the bucket.  

 

[Lecka]

https://www.autismclassroomresources.com/social-autopsy/

This is a link about social autopsies.

I saw it mention “the hidden curriculum.”  This is something else you might be interested in googling or following her link.  

https://www.amazon.com/Hidden-Curriculum-Practical-Understanding-Situations-ebook/dp/B00A4HO3EI/ref=mp_s_a_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1544618723&sr=1-4&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=brenda+smith+myles

This is a book, maybe worth ordering through the library. 

I haven’t seen this book but I bet it is good.  The author is really good for adolescents.  

https://www.amazon.com/High-Functioning-Autism-Difficult-Moments-Practical/dp/1942197241/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1544618794&sr=1-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=brenda+smith+myles&dpPl=1&dpID=51o6XefLvRL&ref=plSrch

There is a 5-star review from the author of Different Minds says she uses it in her practice.

Something to be aware of — when they say “meltdowns” or whatever, that can just mean being stuck.  It doesn’t mean having some violent episode.  I think it is a misconception that keeps some people away from good resources, because they think “well my kid doesn’t have violent episodes.”  But it’s a lot more broadly used and can even be pertinent with just being stuck about something — not seeing another side to something.   

Along with Social Thinking, these are resources I have heard about as being good for a little older kids.  

[PeterPan]

I just ordered that Ruth Aspy book, woo-woo! I haven't had a chance to look through it yet even. AAPC publishes it, so check their price. https://aapcpublishing.net/high-functioning-autism-and-difficult-moments.html  It's $12 there right now and you get another 10% off and free shipping. 

I met Ruth Aspy (author of that book) at OCALICON, and she's pretty amazing. She's hilarious too, lol. She was talking about the idea of 10,000 hours and how much it takes to get PROFICIENT at something vs. just sort of being able to do it. And she wasn't really selling one particular paradigm over another but more of a concept, wanting people to do better and reimagine how intervention could be done better. Social was BIG on her hit list of things to be done better, and that's where she was saying we're not getting anywhere toward those 10,000 hours if we're putting them in the situations but NOT establishing goals that the dc realizes and NOT giving feedback on the goals. 

And I don't think that process had to be like so super rocket science that we couldn't do it. I took from it that we could do it with our kids ourselves and make measurable progress IF we're bringing goals and feedback to it. She seemed to consider that more important than the perfect social thinking curriculum. The curriculum stuff was more to give *us* a framework so we would be suggesting sensible goals. And you probably already naturally do it sometimes. Like you take him and you're like hey, while you're there, try to say hi to at least 3 people and engage in chitchat 3 times. That's a goal, and then afterward you talk about how that went. We can do that kind of stuff.

I REALLY liked the Destination Friendship book, because it has literal goals to make a normal outing more interactive and instructive. Maybe you can find samples online or I can post. It was kind of obvious stuff that you were like wow, those were goals I would have had for him on that outing if I had thought long enough!

Maybe having goals and a more positive instruction would shift it from correction? Correction is stressful, because it implies if he had wanted to he could have done better. What he probably has are significant instruction gaps, knowledge gaps, and a lack of carrying it over to situations as goals. If he was in groups before, how did that go? Did it generalize over? Lecka talks about this, but the magic number is 6 for a skill to generalize. Or go with Aspy's 10,000 hours, lol. Either way, he would need instruction then establishing it as a goal then practicing it in various situations where he's reminded of his goal and talked with later for feedback, over and over and over and over.

[PeterPan]

10 hours ago, maize said:

I talk and talk and talk about how I am trying to help him learn appropriate social skills

What does he want? There could be a gap between what *you* think is important and what *he* wants. I can tell you a therapist would start by asking him HIS goals for the sessions and what he would like to accomplish. 

I find, and this is just me, that very socially typical people have this sort of over-emphasis on social and maybe have different goals from the person who is neurodivergent. So I meet therapist after therapist who wants these conformity goals (recognize it in the video, say the words, comply with our list) and they don't really have this slower, deep, relational sense. I'm still chewing on the video I'm linking here that contrasts boy autism and girl autism. It talks about *why* girls are able to mask and how boy and girl behaviors on a playground differ. The autistic boys had SO much more solitary time. So think about the NT and school system hyper-fascination with being in social settings and the autistic person actually having this tendency to be half solitary and then going ok, what does that MEAN for the person? Does he WANT less solitary time? What does that look like? And then if he realized what he wanted, would HE have goals and want help to achieve his goals?

If he's just going to withdraw anyway, as soon as you stop the forced social of school situations, then what would social REALLY LOOK LIKE for him? What skills would he really need? Would he want to be in those settings and what skills would he need to be in them?

I don't know, Aspy said rethink social, so we rethink, lol. I just think there's a nuance there, figuring out whether we're helping him conform with situations he's being put in or whether we're giving him the skills to be in the situations he wants to be in. Most people in his situation are going to turn it on and off and being working at it. It's not like you just fix it and it's natural and just happens then.

Oops, video!

 

Edited December 12, 2018 by PeterPan

[PeterPan]

Did you see the youtube video? I added it late, lol. It's not too long but it's really interesting.

[PeterPan]

10 hours ago, maize said:

invading people's personal space 

Personal Space Camp

10 hours ago, maize said:

trying to control behavior of siblings

Ds was doing this in classes. I call it enforcer behavior, sigh. For him it also reflects some pretty serious social thinking deficits, because he doesn't understand the idea of who is in charge and what his role is. That really took some work. I don't know where your ds is in that, but my ds doesn't get the idea of parents. He's pretty egalitarian, lol. To him everyone is equal and his opinions have as much validity as anyone's. So then it's a grave INJUSTICE if you cross his opinion, because really his idea and want was equally as valid as yours. For that, compliance drills help some, because they get him back calm on what his role is. (I'm giving the commands, you're complying.) But that misunderstanding is always there, lurking, making things a little screwy, altering how he interprets what we do or how we respond to him. 

Fwiw, card games are really golden for us right now. It's a mixture of compliance and calming and flexibility and nonverbals and a bunch of everything. We learned rummy, so then when I tried him on Canasta he was all flipping out, saying he hated it, blah blah. Well no, it's just a variation of rummy and slightly different, which was rattling his chain and forcing him to be flexible. 

So it's hard to be in lots of different social situations, where the rules are all different and who's in charge is different. It's easy to miss the big picture there and not pick up on the patterns. Some of it is just really basic social thinking, stuff you'd hit in We Thinkers, Social Detective, whatever. I would tend to go lighter, just because it's a profound but simple concept. It's more about introducing a small thinking concept and then applying it (goals and feedback!) each time you go in a new setting. Then he starts to see the patterns.

So my ds used to think whoever was the BIGGEST was the boss. For real. And that was really dangerous! You could ask your ds who is the boss in a given setting. Then suggest another setting and ask who the boss is, rinse repeat. Who makes the rules in that setting, who enforces the rules. What about out on the highway, who is the boss and who makes the rules and who enforces the rules? He may literally not have picked up the pattern and he may not have the flexibility to let it be different in every setting. So yes he's probably anxious and enforcing, but he might also have drawn some screwy conclusion, his mental operating rule, that he needs clarified. As you refine in his mind how that works across settings, noticing and applying that new, more coherent rule/pattern could become a goal and feedback. 

[maize]

I don't think he is very aware of the ways that his behavior impact other people and the way other people see him.  What he wants is to be able to say and do whatever he feels like and have there be no negative repercussions to that. Which is impossible.

Here's a sample interaction from yesterday:

Ds13 is in the living room, most of his siblings are there as well. Dd15 is doing school work, littles are watching a video. Ds notices a puzzle has been dumped out on the floor and starts berating dd3. Dd15 points out that dd3 didn't dump it out, ds1 did. Ds13 attacks dd15 physically. Dd15 calls me (I was in the kitchen next door and heard the whole interaction). I talk to ds13 about his inappropriate behaviors (trying to parent dd3, we cover this a lot--even if she had dumped out the puzzle it isn't HIS job to address that) and being violent towards dd15 (he saw her intervention as her trying to parent him, I do work with her on not doing that but said that in this case her defense of the younger sibling sounded appropriate to me). Ds was continuing to act angry and aggressive towards his siblings and me so I told him he needed to go to either his room or the downstairs play room to calm down and he could come back when he felt ready to interact in socially appropriate ways. He left but came back a couple of minutes later and stood behind dd15 poking her with a stick. She asked him to stop. He kept doing it. I told him she had established a clear personal boundary and he needed to respect that. Talked about personal space and socially appropriate behavior. Finally sent him back out of the room with instructions that he could come back around other people when he was prepared to interact in ways that did not make things uncomfortable for others. He left feeling very picked on by me. Went downstairs to build with Legos and listen to an audio book. I went down later to talk with him about how I really love him and want him to have a happy life and interacting in socially appropriate ways is an important skill he needs to learn. 

What I don't think comes across in this account is the level of just not understanding on his part. He truly does not grasp that the verbally and physically aggressive behavior he is displaying is hurtful to family members and causes real relationship problems for him. He is never really trying to hurt people. He is just acting out his internal frustrations with no filter.

He seems to struggle with a sort of selective mutism when it comes to talking about his personal thoughts and feelings so it is very hard to have a real two way conversation about any of this. When I was talking with him in the basement he never looked at me and responded mostly with growls. We've tried to have him meet with a therapist before and that went nowhere because he just shut down and wouldn't interact.

Edited December 12, 2018 by maize

[Lecka]

It sounds like he has a “lack of social awareness.”  This is a real thing, you can read about it.  I find most info on the Social Thinking website.

There is something I see a lot with (okay, a little) with my older son..... he has trouble understanding that if he is rude one day, then that is the impression he has made.  He doesn’t understand that other people will remember that and have that as their impression of him.  He doesn’t understand that they will be touchier and more likely to think he is being rude again even if he is not. 

I have read about this but I can’t remember exactly where, I’m sure somewhere on the Social Thinking website, though.  

Anyway — my older son is very prone to thinking people are unfair to him, and not seeing his part in the interaction.  He is very prone to not understanding that because he did something thoughtless or rude, other people *do remember* those things and it will influence future interactions.  

There is something called “social behavior mapping” and my husband and I try to do this verbally with my son when we see it happening.  It’s just trying to say “here is the cause and effect.”  There is stuff about it on the Social Thinking website and elsewhere.  

He is doing better this year in a lot of ways, but with some new things coming up.  This year he is doing a lot better with not being rude or a crossing-the-line smart-aleck with teachers.  But we saw him abruptly (and to us very rudely) end a phone call with a peer, last night.  He is new to having a phone (he is in 8th grade) and we are kind-of going “phone etiquette.... oops....” but it’s maybe a little more than phone etiquette.  

But this is my older son, he is not diagnosed with autism.  He is diagnosed with dysgraphia only.  So — we see things, but it’s more minor in its way.  But maybe more just “different” than “minor.”  My younger son is diagnosed with autism, and that is how I find out a lot of information that is really helpful with my older son.  

[Lecka]

I would really check out the Brenda Smith Myles book.  I saw her speak at a conference, and she is great with adolescent stuff.  I haven’t read this book myself though but still I think it’s the kind of thing that would be helpful.  (I’m 95% sure I have read the older edition.)  Although there are many good books to read and different kinds of strategies!  

 

https://www.amazon.com/High-Functioning-Autism-Difficult-Moments-Practical/dp/1942197241/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1544626661&sr=1-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=brenda+smith+myles&dpPl=1&dpID=51o6XefLvRL&ref=plSrch

When I saw her speak, she talked a lot about the older edition of this book, and I thought it was great.  

Edited December 12, 2018 by Lecka

[PeterPan]

24 minutes ago, maize said:

What I don't think comes across in this account is the level of just not understanding on his part. He truly does not grasp that the verbally and physically aggressive behavior he is displaying is hurtful to family members and causes real relationship problems for him. He is never really trying to hurt people. He is just acting out his internal frustrations with no filter.

He seems to struggle with a sort of selective mutism when it comes to talking about his personal thoughts and feelings so it is very hard to have a real two way conversation about any of this. When I was talking with him in the basement he never looked at me and responded mostly with growls.

Honestly, I'm very concerned about this. He's 13, so you've got puberty going. I can tell you on the private groups I'm on and with the professionals I talk with, that aggression with puberty is what everyone is worried about. A social group isn't even close to what he needs at this point.

Yes, stress shuts down language, fatigue shuts down language. SHUTS IT DOWN. He may not actually have the language, but even if he does it can shut down. 

I want to come back and address this more, but I'm very concerned for you. I have to go brush ds' feet, lol.

Edited December 12, 2018 by PeterPan

[Lecka]

The situation in my home has been pretty smooth for the past few years, but it is mortifying to know my son is being rude and disrespectful to teachers.  Both my parents were teachers!  I am someone who really values the teaching profession!

My younger son was aggressive towards siblings for several years, and it is incredibly disappointing and not the kind of family life anyone wants.  I am sorry you had a rough night that way last night.  It is hard to have so much sympathy for the perpetrator and the victim at the same time!  And then anger and frustration with the perpetrator at the same time.  

Sometimes you can go to a therapist yourself, to find out about strategies.  There is a lot of stuff where parents implement things instead of (or in addition to) a therapist, it is pretty normal, when kids have lower social awareness.

[PeterPan]

I'm not meaning to misread or over read into this, but you're going to have to have very short chain on him laying hands on your children. That is COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE. No uncertain terms, completely unacceptable. It cannot be allowed. It's like my ds being violent in the car. That was not the time to think and be talking and mess. Just completely unacceptable. We had to pull over, I get out, and be willing to call the police. 

So no, if he's touching anyone aggressively, it's over. That's not something an SLP handles in a social group. That's you talk with a behaviorist (licensed social worker, BCBA, something) and you get some serious help. If he won't go, they can come to your house. You have to protect your children, and your dc do not need ANY MEMORY of having been touched by an angry person. You take all the others out immediately and go to a movie and say we'll return when you're calm. And of discussion. He loses, they stay safe. Laying hands on is NOT acceptable.

It's hard to balance so many needs of so many people. What I find with ds is I get used to him and sort of lulled, so I don't see the other options. That's why YOU need to be consulting with someone who is qualified, because YOU need some counsel on how to handle these situations and keep everyone safe. He may or may not have an easy, great outcome, but your other dc must be kept safe.

You can do some reading on autism and aggression, but one of the first strategies is simply walk away. Don't engage, don't negotiate, don't talk. Just very quietly drop the language and remove everyone else. Once everyone else is safe and the person is calmed down, THEN you talk. 

[Lecka]

I have heard numbers along the lines of 50% of teens with Aspergers having some kind of issue with aggression, so you are not alone!  Even if your son would not be diagnosed with Aspergers or autism — that number still gives an idea.  There are resources available and people understand it’s not a parenting issue or like your son is a bad kid.  I’m sorry this is an issue, though, it is hard on everyone.  

When I heard Brenda Smith Myles speak, she was optimistic and had many examples of strategies/resources really helping kids.  

[PeterPan]

8 minutes ago, Lecka said:

Sometimes you can go to a therapist yourself, to find out about strategies.

Agreed. Ds is always miffed that I talk with the behaviorist for almost an hour each week after he has his one hour. He thinks she's awesome and that he ought to have all the time! But really, there's a lot of debriefing me, helping me connect dots or see new strategies. YOU need to be talking with someone, and it needs to be a high enough up professional that they know what they're talking about. Frankly, I'm not too keen on neuropsychs for autism discussions. By him saying well looks like autism, smells like autism, but it's not autism, he's implying you don't need to walk through the doors that open when you say it's autism. Our first misdiagnosis on ds was from a neuropsych.

To me it sounds like you need a behaviorist, a BCBA, someone who specializes in autism. You could set aside the label discussion and just say hey, psych is saying it's not, but we need this help.

[PeterPan]

9 minutes ago, Lecka said:

it’s not a parenting issue or like your son is a bad kid.

Well he might not be bad, but he could be dangerous. Even unintentional harm is still harm.

I've already shared that my ds has had significant behaviors and that we've had to take it very seriously. I had my dd in the house when we didn't yet have enough supports and interventions and I had to take some serious steps. Even if the touching seemed little, I think you have to have a NO TOLERANCE attitude toward it and nip it immediately. 

Also, your dd may also want some counseling. Any time a person with autism acts aggressively toward another person and is threatening, it creates feelings of danger, stress, and trauma. It's why autism is a very high turnover field. People on the receiving end feel very stressed and need techniques and counseling to release that stress. You can talk with her and just ask how she felt, did it make her scared or was it no big deal... The counselor can give *her* strategies on how to be safe and deal with what's going on. Putting siblings in counseling to deal with the stress is a pretty normal thing. It's something you could offer. Sometimes just a few sessions, 8-10, might be enough. It's not like years of sessions, just getting it out and learning strategies and knowing they're being heard and that people care that they're not just on the receiving end of it.

Edited December 12, 2018 by PeterPan

[maize]

Physical aggression is certainly something I take seriously, we're working on that and I have his martial arts instructors as reinforcement. He never has tried to actually hurt someone, but he is getting big enough that he needs to learn to not allow himself to be physically aggressive at all when angry. He has to have parental endorsement based on home behavior to move up in rank and that isn't going to happen if he uses physical force at home.

Don't worry about dd15, she isn't intimidated by or afraid of him. She is very confident and is good at setting boundaries, she knows she has permission to defend herself (and is more than capable of doing so) if needed. 

[PeterPan]

7 minutes ago, maize said:

he has permission to defend herself (and is more than capable of doing so

Love it. 

Yeah, martial arts is a funny thing. They will talk about control, but reality is if the person has deficits in self-awareness then he's really not in a position to control. If you can work on that interoception, it might be the missing piece.

And really, interoception is going to improve awareness of some of the more obvious emotions (anger, etc.) but also improve the subtle things only he can figure out for himself. Like my ds has some repetitive behaviors he does that we don't like and tend to think are scary, bad, whatever but I'm now realizing are probably self-stimulatory. Think about how subtle that is, because then he has to become self-aware enough to realize his brain speed, how his body is feeling, what the word for that is (boredom, fatigue, annoyance, whatever) and make a better choice. But it's really subtle and identifying the emotion correctly results in a more targeted choice. Like for self-stimulatory behavior, what we realize is we actually have to REPLACE the sensory input. So the replacement behavior wouldn't at first seem really obvious and yet there it is, all the way back at your basics like realizing how you feel and doing an FBA.

Lecka probably mentioned this, but Stop That Seemingly Senseless Behavior!: FBA-based Interventions for People with Autism (Topics in Autism) is THE book on wrapping your brain around functions of behaviors. It's short and it might change how you interpret what you're seeing from him. You're probably on the right track, but it would be the next step. It's a super short read.