Homeschooling and losing self

[Bluegoat]

6 hours ago, MinivanMom said:

I feel stressed seeing the long lists of things you all are doing "for yourselves". (Yes, I put that in scare quotes!)

I don't want to get a gym membership or join a bunch of clubs or go on girlfriend vacations. I don't want a part-time job or more volunteer work or extended time away from my kids. Omigosh, am I supposed to be doing all those other things too?! I don't want more responsibility and more commitments sucking up my hours. I want more downtime!

I will settle for alone time with a book after lunch everyday, working out a few evenings a week while dh handles bedtime, and a weekly date night with my husband. I would also like a full-time cleaning service. We finally got an accountant for taxes and a lawn-service for our yard, and that has been magical. But a cleaning service would help a lot. 

But other people's idea of "balance" sounds like a longer to-do list to me, and there just aren't that many hours in a day!

 

 

I think all it has to mean is doing something you like that is for you.  I've done different things, I took a uke class, I often attend a book group that runs in the fall, I go to concerts now and again, sometimes I go over to my friends place and drink wine and gossip.  Not, usually, all at once.  

I'm lucky that my dh feels that it's part of his job to spell me off so I can do these things - and I do the same for him.  I have some friends who seem to see it differently - they always feel they have to be there to help the other, so they never really get away to do their own thing much.  I think it makes them more stressed out, but that's a guess of course.

[MysteryJen]

I have been thinking about this thread and I have been burned out by homeschooling- but it usually wasn't just homeschooling. It was having 5 kids under 8, or teaching kids to read with LDs, or high schoolers and NCAA. I am homeschooling my youngest and it is fun now.

I have been burned out on marriage- yet I stay married and it is mostly good.

I am burned out on parenting- young adults are exhausting. I am ready for this to be over.

But usually discontent and burnout are temporary, small changes or a break from responsibility can be enough for a second wind.

 

[Carol in Cal.]

In a lot of ways I am fortunate to have been an older first time mother.  (Although those years of infertility were very painful.)  

Because I kind of got the career itch out of my system, and felt like I could walk away temporarily or permanently with a solid body of work behind me.  Nothing to prove.  No frustrated ambitions.  I found homeschooling to be very challenging, but in a good, engaging way.  I'm fortunate in that respect, too.

[Bluegoat]

3 minutes ago, SamanthaCarter said:

Well, sometimes you do. When hubby works long hours and you can’t legitimately afford a $12/hr sitter for mom to “just go out,” you’ve got to earn the money for the sitter. 

 

I don't really see that as justification though.  That's needing the money.  Some people really do feel they have to be working or productive all the time, or can't do fun things until everything else is complete.

[frogger]

Perhaps I'm a bad mom and I realize it won't work for all people as some kids are too energetic, but I think using a movie now and again to babysit isn't the end of the world.

[frogger]

5 hours ago, forty-two said:

I'm better able to use that time in a way that *enhances* my overall ability to handle life. 

"Time of rest" isn't quite the right phrase - it's more like a time where I can do certain kinds of good things that are only possible when I have a block of uninterrupted time.  Sometimes that involves restful things (naps, pleasure reading, etc.), but sometimes it involves a different sort of effort-ful thing (research reading, writing, exercise, etc.) - so that I'm resting from hs'ing through doing other active things, instead of resting all of me.  So my focus is more on "what good things can I do with this time", instead of on "what bad things am I escaping from with this time".  I can really feel the difference between using my free time to do good and using it to escape from having to do anything.  (Which is really, in effect, the difference between using it to to do good and using it to escape from "having" to do good.)

 

 

 

Yes! There is a huge difference in how vegging on a screen affects me versus say making myself get a full nights sleep or taking a bike ride. One makes me more productive and one saps me. 

[KungFuPanda]

My college daughter homeschooled K-9.  My son began in K and is a senior now. I’M SO OVER IT.  I have senioritis worse than my son!

I never lost myself because I always had my own things to learn and do along the way. I’m social, do things with my friends, and spend 8-10 hours in a dance studio teaching classes. The physical outlet matters. Currently I’m into Ana White and building simple things from wood. 

I think once my son graduates I’ll want to work outside the home in a non-dance, non-classroom environment. I need a worthwile activity in place before I hit my 50’s. I really want to work with adults for a while. My DS needs disability care, but DH works from home so he doesn’t need TWO adults available to him all day long. 

[Ellie]

10 hours ago, Mbelle said:

 However, down the road homeschool can get to be quite a lot if you don't, can't or won't outsource anything. People who do everything seem to be very exhausted unless they have a very self directed learner. 

I don't think this is true for everyone. I know many people who happily do not outsource any of their children's education and I can't say that all of them had children who were self-directed.

[coffeefreak]

Well, I'm a burnt out homeschool mom of 2 that has homeschooled from the beginning, graduated one last year, and has tried several times to throw in the towel with my second (including recently).

1. Why am I burnt out? I did lose myself. I was doing everything for the family AND homeschooling. That worked in elementary school but not in high school. Someone on this thread said they hated high school and I whole heartedly agree. It's not fun. It's in the trenches dirty work, and feels like bare knuckled boxing every. single.day. Between the teenage drama, the testing, the "requirements," and the admin work, I barely made it through the first one, and have twice begged my second daughter to go to school. Life is hard enough without adding homeschooling and being EVERYTHING to and for a child school-wise. There's a reason High School teachers have specialties and teach the same subject all day, and I think that's why a lot of us burn out in high school. I AM NOT a math teacher and contrary to what I was promised, I did not understand Algebra any better the second time around, nor should I have been teaching it. it was a nightmare. Life also contributed to the burn out. We went through a major cross country move right before my oldest started high school, and the last 5 years have been beyond rough, so burn out was inevitable. I can't go into detail publicly, but we all have our major life events and issues, and it absolutely affects how you homeschool, and what you accomplish.

2. How have I been coping? Prayer, reconnecting and getting real with my girlfriends, and an all in one, online curriculum. My youngest has been doing Abeka Academy for the last 2.5 years and it has been a God-send for us as a family. It was distasteful to me at first and flew in the face of everything I believed as a homeschooler. I was anti-textbook and really really wanted to hold on to the Charlotte Mason, love of learning, sitting cozy on the couch and reading books curriculum that we loved. But, I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't do everything I needed to do as a wife, mother and adult AND be the teacher, so this is what we did.

3. How did I "Find myself" again? I got a really good counselor, and I stopped listening to what others said I SHOULD be doing, and started doing what I want to do. I got a part time job to help with income because I was tired of struggling and I was honestly starting to get bored. I started taking private yoga lessons because I have chronic pain and had not worked out in 2 years because of it. My husband and I go away every year for our anniversary and it's HEAVENLY (the advantages of having teenagers, but we have also paid people to stay with them). I also started handing off some of what I was doing to my husband. There was a time when he couldn't help me. He worked two jobs so we could homeschool and survive, and it has been a hard road. However, we both made the mistake of not seeing that life was changing and with that change, he could lift the burden off of me. He grades all the Spanish, Science and Math. I grade all the History, English, Electives and I am the Admin and scheduler of our school. It has made life so much better both for us as a married couple and us as a family. And back to the girlfriends, I started being honest with my friends and telling them I was burnt out. I told them what was REALLY going on in my life, and that it was far different from what they were seeing on social media, and you know what? They started confiding in me, and we are all realizing, we all need each other. It's nice to have friends who don't judge again.

4. What will I do to finish out the next two years? I haven't decided yet. I've been looking at The Well Trained Mind Academy, which is how I ended up here for the first time in almost 5 years. I've also been looking at Aim Academy (Debra Bell), which my older daughter used for AP English. I have realized once my girls get to 11th grade, they are beyond my capabilities as a teacher. I love history and English, and CAN teach it, but, again, it takes me away from other areas I'm needed so it's either A Beka or something else online. The only reason I'm thinking of leaving A Beka is I still have to do all the grading and the facilitating, and I'd like to find her something where she gets feedback from other teachers. I see it as a good way to prep for college. It worked well for my oldest, who is now a college freshman (in spite of my failings 😉 ), and I think it's the right thing to do. 

 

So there you have it! A mom who has homeschooled from the beginning, been burnt out MANY MANY MANY times, and still/will persevere through to the end. I did love it. I know I was a part of something special, and I will miss it terribly (elementary school, NOT High School, I will never miss High School. 😄 ). But honestly, don't beat yourself up if you decide to put your kiddos in a brick and mortar school. We are all just trying to do the best for each of our kids, and our families, and sometimes, that means changing course. It will all work out in the end. ❤️

 

[City Mouse]

This discussion is interesting to me. My DS16 (and myself) just finished reading the novel The Awakening. I thought it was a weird choice for 11th grade English, but it falls right in with this discussion. It is about a young marreied woman who rebells against societies expectations of marriage and families and social norms. The actual expectations have changed in the hundred years since the book was written, but women still face such pressure.

 

[cintinative]

9 hours ago, coffeefreak said:

And back to the girlfriends, I started being honest with my friends and telling them I was burnt out. I told them what was REALLY going on in my life, and that it was far different from what they were seeing on social media, and you know what? They started confiding in me, and we are all realizing, we all need each other. It's nice to have friends who don't judge again.

 

I really appreciate the honesty of your post. 

I need to do more of this and find more of a community (off of this forum, which is excellent, but can't give real hugs) where I can be this vulnerable.  When I am honest with myself, part of what drives the joy-sucking is that I am simply just lonely. I just white-knuckle it through sometimes, I think, and tell myself that everyone else is busy and would rather not hear me talk about my struggles.  I am sure I am not the only one.  

 

[Bluegoat]

13 hours ago, StellaM said:

 

That outside praise and the money - did I mention the money! - is so rewarding though, especially when the kids get bigger and stop saying cute (and not strictly true things) like 'Mummy you are so pretty". Love me some outside affirmation! My job is basically getting paid to teach kids to read and write, so it's like homeschooling, but money, and grateful parents, and money! (I don't care about my identity, I just like the cash :))

 

Yeah, I mean, everyone needs people to give them a little good feedback at times.  And kids aren't doing much of that at certain ages, and a spouse sometimes is too in the middle of it all as well.  And when you can use the money, that is really a thing in itself - it's rewarding to do things that need to be done, and earning money is one thing that needs to be done too.  But if someone has that covered, I don't think tutoring for money ought to feel more valuable and worthwhile than doing so for pay.  The tutoring, in itself, is important work.  Making a living is also important.

 I wonder in general how it is we are in a place where making money is seen as really describing the worth of your work.  I've known moms in jobs that had pretty much zero social value, but they felt when they were home with kids that somehow they had lost something in terms of value to society.  Because that wasn't really valuable work - and I don't think it was just that there was no one to tell them they were doing well, it was because it wasn't seen as "real" work.  Or, why is working teaching your own kids "giving yourself up", while working teaching others kids, or working serving coffee, or as a doctor, isn't giving yourself up.

But as far as being unstable, I think we need a sense of ourselves beyond our work.  Meaningful work is important, but even that isn't enough.  A friend of mine who is in a homeschooling family is about to take a leave of absence from work to stay home with his kids.  I think he has realised that he was giving himself up in his job, doing work with kind of a limited value, essentially saving money for big corporations.  It brought in a lot of money and had great status, but it took all his time and energy, and in the end, left him no time for the real stuff.  And even people with work they think is meaningful sometimes find this - their identity becomes "doctor" or "athlete".  Sometimes that works for them, but sometimes they come to realize they have let it squeeze out other important parts of themselves, or they lose the work through injury or something like that, and are totally lost.

[mom@shiloh]

I've been thinking about this and I think that sometimes a big part of it is the people who we surround ourselves with and the expectations that we allow into our lives. Of course, we don't always have control over those things. When I lived in a small community where homeschooling was frowned upon and most women worked outside the home, it was difficult to feel like what I was doing was important. I felt inferior. No one ever asked me about my "work" and I began to feel like I needed to add things into my life to make my life worthwhile. Maybe that's not true for the OP or anyone else and I didn't realize it until I moved away from that area, but I can see it from a distance. 

[HS Mom in NC]

I agree this is an issue common to humanity. 

I now live near my cousin who is my age and who I saw half a dozen times growing up.  She was a single mom for the first 7 years of parenthood, remarried and now has a 16 year old daughter and 5 year old son.  She's had to work outside the home all the way through.  When I got here I invited her out for coffee so we could meet each other all over again as adults.  She's feeling the burn too.  She's great at her job, like it, loves being married and parenting, but she's really burnt out.  Her 1 hour each way commute doesn't make life easier.  We've enjoyed our time together away from our family life and our daily work.  Everyone needs ways to recharge and for now, ours is a monthly meal out to wherever we want to go, eating whatever we want, and talking about whatever we want without anyone demanding anything from us or draining us. 

My husband is burning out on his job and is currently expanding his skill set for a new chapter in his career. It's taking some family time and cutting into his billable hours, but I'm not complaining about it because I get it.  Better to tighten our belts in the short term so he can thrive long term since we have the privilege of that option. I wish more people had that privilege.

[mlktwins]

I haven't read all the posts, but I was feeling burnt out and not enjoying homeschooling my boys.  They are twins in 8th grade.  Well...our first official day of 8th grade, my dad called and was in a lot of pain and couldn't drive.  He will be fine but the last 3 months, I've spent hours and hours away from home, taking him to appointments, packing his stuff, getting ready for a move (this Saturday), organizing and getting on top of his paperwork, etc.  My boys have continued with school (I do their checklist each week and we do work together in the morning and the rest is independent).  DH works from home so that helps.  But...this experience has made me see how much I want to be with them and miss homeschooling them like we have in the past.  I also miss my house, having time to clean it, etc.  So much I was complaining about and it hit me yesterday that maybe this happened (in part) to help me appreciate what I have and quit moaning and groaning :-).  I was also feeling pretty lonely before, but being around dad, physical therapists, and doctors, I am craving alone time and really just want to be home for a while with my family.  I hope I remember this feeling in January when things have hopefully settled down and we are back to our normal routine !   

[Dmmetler]

I’ve definitely felt that way as DD has moved into college classes. She’s still technically homeschooled, but she needs someone else to teach her and for me to mostly be a mom right now. I love our discussions and being part of her life, but it’s not the same as it was a few years ago. In my case, I like teaching, and I love researching and finding materials for a specific child’s needs, so I’m moving into tutoring more, and as I do, I’m finding my “self” coming back. 

[bethben]

The bigger question is from this discussion is, "How much is social loneliness contributing to people being overextended and stressed?"  I see that as a huge factor in my life.  I was isolated as a special needs mom (getting my son out of the house is a big production) and then isolated myself further by homeschooling which essentially is a work at home position.  The amount of hours expected for a full time job seems to have jumped from when my dh started working.  He was at a strict 40 hour week before.  Now, he's easily around 50.  I know many people who work longer hours than that.  Those work hours don't really leave a lot of time for making true connections with others.  I am working intentionally to try and make friendships and be honest with people that seem trustworthy.

[Pen]

Some homeschoolers feel burnt out. 

Some don’t. 

Some people not homeschooling feel burnt out. 

Some don’t. 

 

I think certain situations are inherently difficult, and really hard to not be burnt out by. Certain types of care taking. Certain special needs circumstances. Combinations of difficulties such as not having help, low finances, health and energy challenges can be especially challenging. 

[Pen]

3 minutes ago, bethben said:

The bigger question is from this discussion is, "How much is social loneliness contributing to people being overextended and stressed?"  I see that as a huge factor in my life.  I was isolated as a special needs mom (getting my son out of the house is a big production) and then isolated myself further by homeschooling which essentially is a work at home position.  The amount of hours expected for a full time job seems to have jumped from when my dh started working.  He was at a strict 40 hour week before.  Now, he's easily around 50.  I know many people who work longer hours than that.  Those work hours don't really leave a lot of time for making true connections with others.  I am working intentionally to try and make friendships and be honest with people that seem trustworthy.

 

 

I think it is major. A huge problem in our modern society in many places. Not at all unique to homeschooling. 

[frogger]

28 minutes ago, bethben said:

The bigger question is from this discussion is, "How much is social loneliness contributing to people being overextended and stressed?"  I see that as a huge factor in my life.  I was isolated as a special needs mom (getting my son out of the house is a big production) and then isolated myself further by homeschooling which essentially is a work at home position.  The amount of hours expected for a full time job seems to have jumped from when my dh started working.  He was at a strict 40 hour week before.  Now, he's easily around 50.  I know many people who work longer hours than that.  Those work hours don't really leave a lot of time for making true connections with others.  I am working intentionally to try and make friendships and be honest with people that seem trustworthy.

 

My mother and I started workdays together. We would make freezer meals, clean, whatever. I'm seriously thinking of having a project club, if I get around to it. Ha

If I could find 2 or 3 friends interested we could clean, organize, make meals, weed gardens, stain decks, paint, grade papers or whatever that person wanted to do. We could rotate homes so each week someone else gets a lot accomplished. I don't really have a lot of time to sit around and gab. I really just need someone to share a few laughs. 

[Mbelle]

16 hours ago, Ellie said:

I don't think this is true for everyone. I know many people who happily do not outsource any of their children's education and I can't say that all of them had children who were self-directed.

You are probably right. 

It can depend on the parents personality too and the mix with the students personality.  Someone else's expectations and positive peer pressure directed my older students in a way that I could not.  It was becoming all I did.  

I do love homeschool and it's been fabulous for our family and I look forward to the same with the little one.  I did throw my whole self into it and I still really love to read and think about education and learning.  I do need to have another side life now though.  Other people may have other needs and I think that is fantastic too.

 

[bethben]

5 minutes ago, StellaM said:

 

After twenty years of people literally turning away when they heard what I did - stay home, teach my kids, parent my kids - it's really a relief to be able to go to functions and describe a paid job and have people pay at least cursory interest.

It might just be where I live - probably is, in fact - this is a status oriented city, and to be at least on the bottom rung of the ladder, rather than off it completely makes a huge difference in how others see you. 

I feel kind of burned out on the whole lack of social approval thing. Sure, basing your identity on paid work isn't a great idea, but having a social identity is kinda nice after being invisible for decades. Society is wrong, not me, but still...

 

 

I had a friend who homeschooled and was asked what she did at a company party for her dh.  She told them that she had this cool job where she taught these three kids full time.  She did it as a volunteer experience.  The person she was talking to was impressed until she admitted that she was a homeschool mom.  Then the conversation turned quickly.  

[Jean in Newcastle]

Maybe I exude confidence but I have found people to respect me for teaching my kids at home. I don’t sound apologetic. When people put me down, which has happened, I laugh. And they backtrack. I have learned how to impress the society climbers - even though I don’t care what they think. I mention teaching Latin and they fall all over themselves (which I find hilarious). . Or I mention providing a classical education which I am pretty sure that most have no idea what that means, but it sounds impressive to them. I mainly say these things to get them off of ny back so we can discuss more interesting things. 

[Arcadia]

24 minutes ago, StellaM said:

After twenty years of people literally turning away when they heard what I did - stay home, teach my kids, parent my kids - it's really a relief to be able to go to functions and describe a paid job and have people pay at least cursory interest.

It might just be where I live - probably is, in fact - this is a status oriented city, and to be at least on the bottom rung of the ladder, rather than off it completely makes a huge difference in how others see you. 

 

Coming from a status oriented country north of you, being a SAHM or SAHW would have people trying to ask about my husband’s pay without sounding nosy. My husband’s Melbourne cousins who are SAHMs face similar question on their spouses’ pay. An ex-classmate actually commented during a school reunion dinner that she wish her husband earns enough for her to be a SAHM. So even if I am not working people want to network to see if they can get a job through my husband.

I did get the vibe that your city is a status oriented city while there but not as crazy as my home country which has a high tendency to go all out for status symbols. They didn’t seem to care if I was wearing UGG or Emu boots while Emu would have been considered “lower rank” where I am from.

[moonflower]

After we started the business, about 6 years ago, one of the very best things about it (and this is among things like being able to buy a reliable vehicle, pay the bills on time, buy food other than rice and beans, etc.) was when people would say, "what do you do? (and/or what does your husband do)" and I could say that I co-owned and operated a small online business instead of saying I was a SAHM.  Of course I think there's more as much value in mothering and homemaking as in the business, but I'm sensitive to people's social reactions.

[madteaparty]

1 hour ago, StellaM said:

 

After twenty years of people literally turning away when they heard what I did - stay home, teach my kids, parent my kids - it's really a relief to be able to go to functions and describe a paid job and have people pay at least cursory interest.

It might just be where I live - probably is, in fact - this is a status oriented city, and to be at least on the bottom rung of the ladder, rather than off it completely makes a huge difference in how others see you. 

I feel kind of burned out on the whole lack of social approval thing. Sure, basing your identity on paid work isn't a great idea, but having a social identity is kinda nice after being invisible for decades. Society is wrong, not me, but still...

 

See for me the status is being able to afford staying at home. But I also loved saying to people "Nothing. I stare at walls the whole day long", when asked what I do. I am a lot of fun at parties, can you tell? 😉

 

[SamanthaCarter]

5 hours ago, frogger said:

 

My mother and I started workdays together. We would make freezer meals, clean, whatever. I'm seriously thinking of having a project club, if I get around to it. Ha

If I could find 2 or 3 friends interested we could clean, organize, make meals, weed gardens, stain decks, paint, grade papers or whatever that person wanted to do. We could rotate homes so each week someone else gets a lot accomplished. I don't really have a lot of time to sit around and gab. I really just need someone to share a few laughs. 

I would absolutely LOVE this. Like REALLY love this. I have trouble with purely social activities, like having coffee, having a ladies dinner and sometimes even bible study. I love social events with an agenda. Some work to do together. This is right up my alley. 

[Ausmumof3]

On 11/27/2018 at 10:51 AM, Carol in Cal. said:

Sabbath rest might be the term.  🙂

Or schole  

[Arcadia]

1 hour ago, StellaM said:

Staying home is a lower class thing here. Middle class moms don't stay at home, professional moms certainly don't.

 

That might be the difference. There is the “tai tai” (colloquial translation is a lady of privileged means, with lots of leisure time and money to spend.) class where I am from. So not having to work isn't considered low class. 

[Carol in Cal.]

1 hour ago, SamanthaCarter said:

I would absolutely LOVE this. Like REALLY love this. I have trouble with purely social activities, like having coffee, having a ladies dinner and sometimes even bible study. I love social events with an agenda. Some work to do together. This is right up my alley. 

I like a mix, but I also always have knitting with me, just in case.  Always.

And although that is uncommon in my circles, a rather ancient member of my weaving guild (94 years old, I believe, and a half marathon walker.  Really quite a remarkable woman on quite a few levels...) tells us that bringing 'handwork' on visits used to be the norm rather than the exception.  Hence the embroidery and knitting and crochet projects that are not all that big that are still extant.

[Susan in TX]

22 hours ago, coffeefreak said:

 

3. How did I "Find myself" again? I got a really good counselor, and I stopped listening to what others said I SHOULD be doing, and started doing what I want to do.

 

 

This. A long time ago I banished the word "should" from my life. I decided that "should" is not a good enough reason to do anything and if I cannot think of a better reason to do something then I am not going to do it. I think this has saved me from burnout. Often the reason people burn out is because they are trying to meet goals and live up to expectations that are not their own. 

Susan in TX

[BlsdMama]

On 11/26/2018 at 11:42 AM, marbel said:

I agree with you.

Re: the bolded. I think this is where being confident and knowing our purpose is important. Why do we need outside recognition and validation?  If we know we are doing the thing we know we ought to be doing, who cares what outsiders think?  (And I don't necessarily mean "ought to be doing" as "the Lord called us to homeschool" unless of course, that fits. I just mean, doing what we know is the best/right thing.)

This might be the one place where I think homeschoolers do experience far more pressure than the average Sally or Sue.  Do I *need* outside recognition or validation? No, but it sure is nice.  How many of us here experience criticism for our choices - stay home, more than average kids, homeschooling, what we do (too much) or what we do (too little) or if our kids struggle -whether that's socially, emotionally, physically, or academically, there is often some skewed light cast on homeschooling.   I believe, quite devotedly, that the Lord did call our family to homeschooling, but ya know what?  It would be nice to not be on the defensive at holiday functions or out of the blue.  That's a hard thing.  I can't even fathom hearing out of either my parents' mouths or my in-laws mouths, "Wow, this was really hard and you guys did a great job of it."  I'd fall over dead.

So, yeah, outside criticism and lack of validation definitely play a role.  It is very hard to keep on keeping on with much rebuke and little encouragement.

On 11/26/2018 at 11:13 AM, displace said:

 

ETA- atypical students also require much more time/energy/planning/emotions, etc, so the ability and time for self care is limited or nonexistent.  And think of how society has changed.  I think it’s more common to not live near family or other support and that makes child rearing harder as well.  

I will say that think that how society has changed is part of this - but not because we live away from family.  Actually my burnout hit when we moved BACK by family and the bottom fell out of my support system.  Interesting, isn't it?  I hadn't thought of that much.  But many of us lack *community* - a group of likeminded women who are empathetic and supportive IRL.  I mean, gosh, look how many of us spend time on here - for what?  Community.  Sometimes being near family actually complicates things and adds pressure.  We are not a society of families that are close-knit and supportive.

On 11/26/2018 at 12:07 PM, Margaret in CO said:

I'm looking at it from the other end--done after 29 years. Our purpose in life is "to glorify God and to enjoy him forever". Notice it doesn't say our purpose is to enjoy ourselves or "find" ourselves. It is to glorify God. Is it hard? You betcha! Is it worth it? Yes. Did I have seasons where I was burnt out? Yes, with babies, and toddlers, and high schoolers all at once. Some of the years are just a blur, but it was worth it. I head to Denver tomorrow, to fly out to see dd play at IU. I see her as an adult, happily married, with a great career, finishing the doctorate. We are called to be faithful. 

I think this whole burn out from lack of self identity lacks a few things.  I absolutely agree with you Margaret - we think our "purpose" is something we must seek out and find and fulfill.  
But I think a strong & faithful woman who loves God - it is oversimplifying to say that we can't struggle in the journey.  I look at the faithful souls of the Bible and I know they had "burn-out" as in Lord this is too hard - I just don't know if I can.  Then they picked up and did it. But they recognized that it was hard.

That said - this modern idea that we somehow "repressed" who we are and that we must become self-centered (self-focused) in order to reveal that is hogwash.
I think there is value in saying, "I did this for a time and it was good and now I do this and it's good, and there was a season for that and now it's past."  I don't mean about homeschooling as I'm a die-hard, but I mean just about anything.
 

On 11/26/2018 at 12:29 PM, Arcadia said:

 

My husband is against putting our kids back in our local public schools. He thinks the teachers won’t have the patience with our “slow worker”. We use a mix of classes and tutors because our kids want classmates for some courses. I think it is hard if the homeschooling parent is given no options other than homeschooling without outsourcing anything. It’s a heavy responsibility.

There's some validity to his train of though - I'll tell ya, many dyslexic kids have their own version of what elementary school was like.  My DH is pretty academic and has succeeded, but his early years left a definite mark on him and it wasn't even the teachers.  It was his reality that he struggled when others didn't.  So something like mis-pronouncing "chaos" in reading aloud and being so embarassed, having to go to speech, etc.  I *really* wanted to put one of our strugglers in school and he was very against it because he couldn't bear to see him struggle publicly.  I think, in the end, his was the right choice, but it was shockingly hard for me at that time.

On 11/26/2018 at 1:14 PM, LucyStoner said:

 

And expectations are very high.  We are supposed to simultaneously:

-Earn a lot of money

- Earn that money from an interesting and/or inspiring career

-Prepare organic, from scratch but low-cost meals for families

-See to a litany of educational and other needs that didn't use to worry our grandparents overmuch

-Keep a bikini body

-Decorate a lovely home

-Find time for "self-care"

-Do 1,101 personalized fiddly things for our children (homeschooled or not)

-And on and on and on.  

And all of this shizznit is supposed to be documented on social media.  😛

Even for people who opt out of most of the noise and nonsense, the expectations are still very, very high.  

Sometimes I think these are things we put on ourselves and no one else gives a fig what we do or what we don't do (except reproducing and homeschooling!) LOL

I mean turn it around- 
Do you care that your sister in law has an inspiring career or not? Nope.
Do you care how much your brother makes? Nope.
Do you care how your friend prepares dinner? Nope.
Do you care that your sister put on 15 pounds and wears a one piece? Nope.
Do you care if your friend had a massage and hit the gym on Tuesday? Nope.

We really only THINK that people care about these things. Truth is?  Nope.

[frogger]

7 hours ago, bethben said:

 

I had a friend who homeschooled and was asked what she did at a company party for her dh.  She told them that she had this cool job where she taught these three kids full time.  She did it as a volunteer experience.  The person she was talking to was impressed until she admitted that she was a homeschool mom.  Then the conversation turned quickly.  

 

 

Ha ha ha. That question could make them very embarrassed they asked real quick. 

 

[easypeasy]

I didn't read the other replies because I didn't want my gut-reaction to be influenced...

But this is essentially why I've discouraged my daughters from homeschooling their future children. If they do, of course, I'll support that decision 100%... but I didn't want them mistakenly thinking I reallyreally wanted or expected them to homeschool since I did it. I would hate to see them get as sucked into raising their children as I did, honestly.

I hope they retain more of Who They Are and think homeschooling accelerates that loss quite a bit. It's just hard for it not to when every single tiny decision is up to you, and when every single aspect of your child's life has a bold, direct line (in neon, with flashing lights!!!) right back to you.

I've encouraged them to seek out a village more than I did (because I could do it all better myself, of course!! lol) and to accept mediocrity in more areas of their life than I did (luckily, only one of mine has my perfectionist tendencies).

I've encouraged them to be involved, interested, aware public school parents instead. We'll see what the future holds! 🙂

[sassenach]

Julie Bogart (Bravewriter) has a series of really good talks about this. She calls it awesome adulting, but it’s basically about maintaining a little corner of your life that’s just for feeding you in the midst of homeschooling. I think you are right that it’s a key to staving off burnout. I happen to be part of a small hs community that seems to be built for distance. Most of the hs families I know are happily and successfully hsing into high school. Those moms largely have their own interests that they foster. I had a pre-planned exit of 8th grade with my kids, so I didn’t burn out, but we did land the plane. If I had to homeschool, I would probably cry because I am now busy with my own endeavors and I would hate to give them up. I’ve never had the fear of “losing myself” in motherhood or anything else. My desire has always been to be fully present in whatever stage I am currently in, but I’m realizing that works for me for a number of reasons unique to my personality/life.  

[Bluegoat]

Yeah, I am similar, I've never really thought or worried about "losing myself" in something I was doing.  I guess I feel like I am myself, that includes a lot of things, so what could I lose?  Maybe related is I've never become caught up in jobs that tend to overwhelm, by demanding too much or just being maddening.  Dh ended up leaving the army, for example, because some stupid leadership and policy stuff really made him angry on an ongoing basis - it made him angry because they were doing something important badly for dumb reasons.  In a similar situation, I notice of course, but I don't tend to dwell o nit the same way.

[Carol in Cal.]

2 hours ago, sassenach said:

Julie Bogart (Bravewriter) has a series of really good talks about this. She calls it awesome adulting, but it’s basically about maintaining a little corner of your life that’s just for feeding you in the midst of homeschooling. I think you are right that it’s a key to staving off burnout. I happen to be part of a small hs community that seems to be built for distance. Most of the hs families I know are happily and successfully hsing into high school. Those moms largely have their own interests that they foster. I had a pre-planned exit of 8th grade with my kids, so I didn’t burn out, but we did land the plane. If I had to homeschool, I would probably cry because I am now busy with my own endeavors and I would hate to give them up. I’ve never had the fear of “losing myself” in motherhood or anything else. My desire has always been to be fully present in whatever stage I am currently in, but I’m realizing that works for me for a number of reasons unique to my personality/life.  

When I stayed home with my toddler DD, I was terrified that I would become depressed like all the other SAHMs (like mine) that I had known growing up.  They seemed so miserable to me.  All I ever heard them say about being home was complaints.  (Looking back on it, I have realized that they mentioned things of note but probably (except my own mom) didn’t hate their lives as much as it sounded like to me.). So I was kind of raised to believe that staying home was a bad but unavoidable fate, and was pretty surprised to find that I wanted to do so.

So I planned regular outings several days per week.  And I found another mother to exchange baby sitting with.  That way I had a specific time to myself to look forward to, every week, and every time I found myself wishing I could do something that was impossible with the baby I would put it on the list for that day, and have something to look forward to.  For one glorious semester I took an all day weaving class every Friday, at a community college 70 miles away.  These days were the result of me saying, what do I need to avoid depression?  But they could easily have been from a less drastic place, as in, me saying what do I need to stay a whole person?  That is a valid thing to feed, and having something to look forward to is a valid coping technique no matter what the circumstances.

[LucyStoner]

On 11/27/2018 at 7:40 PM, BlsdMama said:

This might be the one place where I think homeschoolers do experience far more pressure than the average Sally or Sue.  

Sometimes I think these are things we put on ourselves and no one else gives a fig what we do or what we don't do (except reproducing and homeschooling!) LOL

I mean turn it around- 
Do you care that your sister in law has an inspiring career or not? Nope.
Do you care how much your brother makes? Nope.
Do you care how your friend prepares dinner? Nope.
Do you care that your sister put on 15 pounds and wears a one piece? Nope.
Do you care if your friend had a massage and hit the gym on Tuesday? Nope.

We really only THINK that people care about these things. Truth is?  Nope.

 

Individually?  I agree.  What I am talking about though is larger than the individual perspective on any one discrete part of life.  I am talking about the larger cultural messages people internalize.  

In this culture mothers are expected to work their careers like they have no children and mother like they do not have a career at which they work.  

When almost all I had to do was homeschool and keep house, the pressures were less but there are still a lot of ideals held out that parents are “supposed” to meet.  I turn most of that noise off, but I don’t pretend it’s not there.  

I don’t even work FT and it’s a very tough juggling act and I promise it’s not just because of my perceptions.  There simply aren’t enough hours in the day to do the things that are held out as the ideal.  

Let’s not pretend these pressures are internalized as some sort of conscious decision to drive ourselves looney tune bananas.   

Edited December 5, 2018 by LucyStoner