The art of listening is gone!

[SereneHome]

This is not a vent or JAWM, I am genuinely interested to find out if it's "me" or is "them".

I noticed / realized that people just don't listen (or read, if it's an email, etc).  Every one in my family interrupts everyone else.  I don't remember the last time I was able to finish a sentence or a thought without my children, my husband, my mom starting talking.

I noticed that when you talk to people, you have to do it in super short sentences bc 9 times out of 10, they either interrupt or start looking at their phone or computer (at work).

I posted something for sale on FB and a person responded, asking me where I live and where we can meet up.  I stated both in my original post.

There was a very long exchange of emails with the guy we were trying to hire to a project for the house and he would answer about half of questions.  So, if I asked 3-4, he would answer two. If I asked two, he would answer one.

To be fair, I do my fair share of interruptions as well, so I am no saint.   But I truly can't remember the last time I actually had someone's undivided attention  in a conversation, verbal or otherwise.

Is it me?  If it is, what am I doing wrong???

[Guest]

Hmm. I haven’t experienced that. (Although for email and such, being concise does seem to work out better.) I do remember one time I spent some time with a family with a very interrupting family culture. I mean every single person constantly interrupted every single other person. It was very odd! But I didn’t experience those people individually as horrid interrupters; it was just the way they communicated when they were together. It drove me nuts! 

Sometimes people have a very deliberate way of speaking and they are probably cut off by more rapid people who don’t like the slow pace. Could this be the case with you? 

For emails, I do find it is a poor medium for discussions of how to do a task. It just takes forever to try to explain details and I can imagine someone not answering a few questions because it’s just so tedious. 

[HomeAgain]

I have noticed it more often, too.  People don't read, they don't listen...it's frustrating.  I've gotten to the point where I either refuse to respond until they look for the information already stated, or I point out the obvious to them in a 'bless yer heart' kinda way or refuse to take their answer.  "No, I asked you four questions. I need a response to each of them, not two." or even, "I need someone who is going to take the time to answer all my questions, not some.  This is not going to work for me and I need to find someone else."  I just don't have the patience for it anymore, especially when it inconveniences me because they won't take a minute.

[SKL]

I don't think it's uncommon.  I think people are always in a hurry and trying to "multitask" mentally, doing nothing really well.

When I really need someone to hear me, I refuse to talk until they put down their device and shut up and make eye contact with me.  Sometimes I make them repeat back what I said and what they are going to do about it.  ?

As far as reading online, part of it is on the writer to be as succinct and clear as possible.  Knowing that a lot of people are going to skim and scan, I may re-write something multiple times, leaving out anything unnecessary and putting the most important words first.  (That is, if I really care that the person gets my point.)

[Liz CA]

Progressively shorter attention spans due to the overload on screen time and multi-tasking between ipad, laptop, cell and driving all at the same time. We hold 5000 things in our heads or try to. Our brains process things differently. There is a reason why self-driving cars will be here quicker than we thought...

Deep, contemplative thought is getting rare or so it seems to me. Problem, get an instant solution, don't want to think for too long, quick google, voila.

?

Edited October 21, 2018 by Liz CA

[Ausmumof3]

Yep.  I feel it in my own brain.  I really struggle to just be.  Part of it is the pace of life and part of it is smart phone and internet.

i also think schools are a little to blame.  All the tightly scheduled lessons with lots of interruptions and transitions.  It’s the one thing I think Maria Montessori had right about not interrupting children when they are concentrating on a task as it makes them restless and unsettled.

I do come from a family that’s a little like what Quill was talking about.  Maybe not that extreme.  It’s almost like a stream of consciousness conversation where everyone joins in and exits sort of fluidly.  No one in the family minds but I did have to try and retrain myself for the rest of the world!

that said literally everyone interrupts sometimes.  Sometimes the people that complain about interrupters interrupt too!  I have tried to train my kids that there’s two sides.  Listen and be polite but if you’re speaking try to keep things concise.  It’s not fair to expect people to be polite if you are rambling.  We’re still working on it though!  Me included unfortunately.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I have noticed people doing this for over 50 years (ok - I might not have necessarily noticed as a child). Of course back then there weren’t cell phone distractions but people still interrupted. 

I don’t find this in my circle of friends. We put our phones aside  though I will excuse myself and answer on the very rare times that my husband contacts me during the day because it is rare and always important.  He has a unique ringtone on my phone so I know if is him. 

Edited October 21, 2018 by Jean in Newcastle
Wrong pronoun

[SamanthaCarter]

I’m struggling with this. My firstborn has ADHD, and will talk constantly about inconsequential (or hyper focused) things and never just let me be or let anyone else talk. We’ve been trying to teach normal conversation skills with limited success. Meanwhile, I’ve been conditioned to interrupt to be heard. And so have his sisters. It drives DH crazy. ???

[Pawz4me]

I haven't noticed this problem being widespread, nor do I think it occurs any more frequently now or in younger people or in those who seem to have a device permanently attached to their hand. I've noticed it in a select group of people all my life (I'm 55 now, so I remember lots of time before the internet/computers/mobile devices). From what I can figure it's more a certain personality type than anything else.

Edited October 21, 2018 by Pawz4me

[....]

12 hours ago, Liz CA said:

Progressively shorter attention spans due to the overload on screen time and multi-tasking between ipad, laptop, cell and driving all at the same time. We hold 5000 things in our heads or try to. Our brains process things differently. There is a reason why self-driving cars will be here quicker than we thought...

Deep, contemplative thought is getting rare or so it seems to me. Problem, get an instant solution, don't want to think for too long, quick google, voila.

?

 

Yep, these phones, devices and video games are ridiculous.  I know this sounds like the old Body Snatchers movie, but these devices are changing people...especially kids.  I'm seeing it in family members' kids who have unrestricted access to them (especially video games).  We saw it firsthand when a family visited our house recently.  Their preschooler has a horrible screen addiction.  We were all cringing and I don't think his parents know how to stop it.   

And, yes, have a conversation with some older people in their 70s and then try to have a conversation with someone in their late 20s.  It's obvious they grew up with completely different social skills.  

[kbutton]

I have noticed this as well--not so much with the interrupting (seems different in type but not in frequency) but with the zero attention span to absorb what's being said and the unwillingness to answer no more than one question at a time. Here it's not limited to people who seem surgically attached to their devices. It was not this bad when I was a kid, I don't think, but I didn't live here when I was a kid. 

I come from an extended family of friendly interrupters when we're in groups--in our family, the more engaged we are, the more likely we are to ask a question or make a connection, lol! But people eventually get less excited, things slow down, and then people have more in-depth or calm discussions. My kids have been enjoying old episodes of The Walton's, and my extended family sounds like that family when they're all excited.

The other interrupting happens in my immediate family--3/4 of people in it have ADHD. One of the people with ADHD has trouble getting his thoughts out...time stands still while we're desperately trying to get somewhere, and he's oblivious. My husband's family has a lot of ADHD, and conversations are...different...to put it mildly. In ways I can't quite quantify. 

I have had a family member and an in-law that are "un-interruptable." Every time there is almost a natural pause, and you open your mouth to start speaking, they start speaking again, but the entire conversation is actually quite slow, almost like you are in slow motion. My grandfather was like this, lol! I have wondered if it was partly poor vision--he might not see the person talking all that clearly (blind in one eye). Seems like he got better about this the last few years of his life, but he'd had cataract surgery by then. The inlaw who does this also has some vision issues. Hmmm....

 

[SereneHome]

Electronics and attention span aside, I often wonder if our social etiquette has changed considerably.  I mentioned before that I didn't grow up in US, but I don't remember children interrupting adults like I am seeing it now.  I am in my mid 40s.

And yes, I am sure some of this interruption business is nothing new.  My mom interrupts all.the.time. every person she talks to.  She has always been like that and I think it's gotten worse with age.  Or may be I am noticing more.  My oldest son even noticed that. 

I also wonder if the "short-hand" method of writing that we use in emails and texts made it harder for people to actually listen to the entire word and an entire sentence, if that makes any sense

[TracyP]

I think in emails it is unwise to ask more than one or two questions. My dh is an electrician and my brother is a contractor, neither of these guys is addicted to their devices. They are simply crazy busy. So they are answering emails, while contacting a homeowner on their phone, and filling in paperwork for the day. Is it ideal? No. But they are already working 10-12 hour days, and they have to multitask like that to keep the days from running even longer. Their wives are impatiently waiting for them to call it a day as it is. ?

So all that to agree with others - email is not a great medium to ask questions. I'd try to stick to just one if at all possible. Follow up with another email or a call if needed. I'm sure the people in my life aren't the only ones who are just BUSY.

When it comes to personal conversations, I don't think people are getting worse. My family/friends don't normally interrupt each other. (There are a couple people in my life who are exceptions and interrupt everybody, constantly.) The only time interruptions are common is in heated conversations.

It looks like your kids are young, I would consider practicing this (and sneaky you can give your dh practice while you are at it). Like at a mealtime, play a game where each person tells two things about their day. Nobody is allowed to interrupt until the person is done, then others can comment but only if it relates to what that first person said. Next person...

You could also try having 1-1 conversations with your kids. There are a ton of ideas out there if you google 'kid conversation starters'. Then you could force them to slow down and let you finish. Maybe they've just gotten into some bad habits.

[goldberry]

My best friend just recently went out to dinner with her husband for their anniversary.  He spent half the dinner messing with his phone.  She was NOT pleased!  I'd smack my DH for that.

[HS Mom in NC]

Some people have a monologue conversational style.  They start out on one topic, move to another without a break, and then another.  They don't pause or ask prompting questions of those around them, so the people around them either have to break in to give their thoughts or they have to wait until the monologue is over and revisit the earlier topics, which means keeping track of their thoughts on one or more topics while trying to listen to other topics during the monologue.  I know quite a few people like this, people unaware of or unwilling to engage in a true conversation with give and take. Others seem to go on so long without a clear end that people have to guess where the end is and contribute something to !(*#$@&*!# make the endless stream of consciousness rambling stop already!

My husband is a software consultant who constantly complains that most engineers (software, hardware IT, systems) have shockingly low attention spans, reading comprehension, writing skills, speaking skills, and formal logic training.  STEM education has been woefully inadequate for GenX and Millennials, the generations he  deals with. (He's Gen X.)

I agree attention spans and reading comprehension are shrinking in general. I emailed several community group leaders from the church I was visiting with questions about their Bible studies.  Only 1 of the 7 was able to answer all 3 questions the first time.  The rest couldn't handle: 1. What are you currently studying? 2. Give some examples of what you've studied previously. 3. What are you planning on studying next? And that's exactly how I asked it. I didn't do a chatty email because I despise chatty emails where you have to wade thought a bunch of meaningless stuff to get to the point.  I don't blame people for not answering questions buried in a needlessly long paragraph because most people have already waded through needless emails cluttering up their lives.  Get it said as quickly and directly as possible because people are busy. 

[SereneHome]

I know a few of you mentioned not sending "long" emails, which they weren't.  Well, then I would be SOL bc the guy never answered his phone, which is understandable, since he is a roofer.  So, emails were the only way we could really reach him.  And if I only ask  one question per email, we would be writing back and forth for days and weeks, bc if I am spending thousands and thousands of dollars, I will ask every question I can think of before I have to sign a contract.   And frankly, it's not enough to be good at what you do, you need to be able to communicate with customers one way or another. 

If this was the only instance, may be I wouldn't blink.  I had the same issue with a guy who is running basketball thing my kid is doing.  I would ask 3 questions, get a response to one.  I have same issues at work.  I do taxes, I would ask for information for 5 items from a client, get response to 2. 

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

2 minutes ago, SereneHome said:

I know a few of you mentioned not sending "long" emails, which they weren't.  Well, then I would be SOL bc the guy never answered his phone, which is understandable, since he is a roofer.  So, emails were the only way we could really reach him.  And if I only ask  one question per email, we would be writing back and forth for days and weeks, bc if I am spending thousands and thousands of dollars, I will ask every question I can think of before I have to sign a contract.   And frankly, it's not enough to be good at what you do, you need to be able to communicate with customers one way or another. 

If this was the only instance, may be I wouldn't blink.  I had the same issue with a guy who is running basketball thing my kid is doing.  I would ask 3 questions, get a response to one.  I have same issues at work.  I do taxes, I would ask for information for 5 items from a client, get response to 2. 

 

I do think it is a "busy" thing.  People will answer the easy questions first - the ones that take no homework to do.  They might think that they will get to the harder questions later but then don't without a prompt. 

I know that I often skim emails from people.  I get so many - even if I toss out all the spam.  Just reading them takes up time.  Then answering them takes more time.  And if I have to go get a file or look something up in order to answer a question, my "email time" is gone already.  This actually is a function of having only limited time to attend to that part of my business. 

[TracyP]

2 minutes ago, SereneHome said:

I know a few of you mentioned not sending "long" emails, which they weren't.  Well, then I would be SOL bc the guy never answered his phone, which is understandable, since he is a roofer.  So, emails were the only way we could really reach him.  And if I only ask  one question per email, we would be writing back and forth for days and weeks, bc if I am spending thousands and thousands of dollars, I will ask every question I can think of before I have to sign a contract.   And frankly, it's not enough to be good at what you do, you need to be able to communicate with customers one way or another.

 At least in my area, you are lucky to get any communication *at all* with somebody in the trades. In 2009 (during the recession), this same guy probably would have answered his phone, written a lengthy email, and even stopped by your house to chat if needed. I'm just trying to point out that the difference is how busy these people are, not that they are lacking in communication skills or have lost the "art of listening."

Quote

If this was the only instance, may be I wouldn't blink.  I had the same issue with a guy who is running basketball thing my kid is doing.  I would ask 3 questions, get a response to one.  I have same issues at work.  I do taxes, I would ask for information for 5 items from a client, get response to 2. 

I truly don't think this is because they lack reading skills or the ability to listen. These same people could easily sit across a table from you and answer any of your questions. Email is easy to check and answer, but lends itself to being difficult to do either thoughtfully. Which comes back to email not being the best form of communication.

[SereneHome]

55 minutes ago, TracyP said:

 At least in my area, you are lucky to get any communication *at all* with somebody in the trades. In 2009 (during the recession), this same guy probably would have answered his phone, written a lengthy email, and even stopped by your house to chat if needed. I'm just trying to point out that the difference is how busy these people are, not that they are lacking in communication skills or have lost the "art of listening."

I truly don't think this is because they lack reading skills or the ability to listen. These same people could easily sit across a table from you and answer any of your questions. Email is easy to check and answer, but lends itself to being difficult to do either thoughtfully. Which comes back to email not being the best form of communication.

Then I have no idea how I am suppose to get any work done around my house (stuff that my husband can't do himself), bc there is no way in hell I am spending $30K with someone if I can't get info that I need.

I do prefer emails in many situations  bc I like having things in writing, so I guess I am truly SOL

[TracyP]

37 minutes ago, SereneHome said:

Then I have no idea how I am suppose to get any work done around my house (stuff that my husband can't do himself), bc there is no way in hell I am spending $30K with someone if I can't get info that I need.

I do prefer emails in many situations  bc I like having things in writing, so I guess I am truly SOL

Well, it depends how you look at it. There are many upsides to email communication, so I don't see it as being SOL. I think you just have to accept that if the communication needs to happen by email, then there is also a downside.

[kbutton]

 

1 hour ago, SereneHome said:

I know a few of you mentioned not sending "long" emails, which they weren't.  Well, then I would be SOL bc the guy never answered his phone, which is understandable, since he is a roofer.  So, emails were the only way we could really reach him.  And if I only ask  one question per email, we would be writing back and forth for days and weeks, bc if I am spending thousands and thousands of dollars, I will ask every question I can think of before I have to sign a contract.   And frankly, it's not enough to be good at what you do, you need to be able to communicate with customers one way or another. 

If this was the only instance, may be I wouldn't blink.  I had the same issue with a guy who is running basketball thing my kid is doing.  I would ask 3 questions, get a response to one.  I have same issues at work.  I do taxes, I would ask for information for 5 items from a client, get response to 2. 

 

I am with you on this 100%, and I would add that e-mail is one of the very few ways of being sure that after conversing with a contractor of some kind (or just about anyone else), you are actually both on the same page! If it's in writing, you can see where the potential misunderstandings are.

I can't tell you how many people we went through to get a contractor (excavating) that didn't change things to be what they wanted to do, and not what we wanted to have done. My dad, who hates talking on the phone or doing e-mails, couldn't believe the crap we had to wade through to get reasonable questions answered when a lot of $$$ and a dry basement were on the line. Worse yet, one contractor that seemed to be fine initially (we put down a deposit), put us off for months. When he came back, he rewrote the whole project in his mind, acted like the miscommunication was our fault (it was not--we were a BROKEN RECORD on what we wanted), and then said, "Well this is a whole different job. I have to get a subcontractor over here to look at this with me." He spent a lot of time making sure he could just send the guy over, and then he'd get back to us. My dad was here for that whole spiel and heard him say it. It wasn't us remembering wrong. WEEKS later when the contractor hadn't gotten back to us, the guy said it's because we hadn't called him about a time to have his subcontractor come over--seriously, this man had stood in my yard and said, "If this fence isn't kept locked, I can just have my guy pop by and peek at your yard." UGH. In fact, he seemed to PREFER it that way--that we're not home to have to bother with. He didn't really answer his phone during this process. 

We could NOT get this guy to answer phone calls and listen on the phone (or in person). It was e-mail that gave us the confirmation that we were NOT on the same page with him. 

Once upon a time, e-mail was seen as preferable in some ways. Before phones became something you could hold in your hands, you could use it as a way to give a thoughtful answer without being put on the spot. You could send things that otherwise took forever in the mail. I hate my constantly full inbox, but it's so much better than twenty five separate texts that tell me basically nothing. Before texting, people made at least some attempt to deliver a complete thought before pushing Send.

[SKL]

This thread reminds me of something that was often said in my FOO:  "Stop interrupting while I'm interrupting!"  (Sometimes in tandem with "So to make a short story long ....") 

Interruptions happen a lot in my FOO, as does loud talking (apparently necessary if you're going to talk over everyone else).  I got out of the habit living in a quieter house, and now when I go back it kind of assaults my ears, but I don't really mind it since nobody means any harm.  (If it matters, ASD runs in my family, and I wouldn't be surprised if ADHD did as well (though undiagnosed).)  Recently, I was sitting across from my sister as she was telling me a story.  Suddenly her 8yo interrupted with "what my mother's trying to say is ______."  My sister was totally unfazed by this behavior - if anything, I think she was proud of her daughter's exhibition of verbal intelligence.

With my kids, they do interrupt a lot (especially each other).  We are actively working on that.  The kids seem to be catching on.  One will say "stop interrupting me" and the other will actually say "I'm sorry" and wait her turn.  Hafta say I did not honestly expect that much success when I started the program, LOL.

 

[SKL]

I would also say I do notice a difference in how older and younger generations talk.  I'm 52 so I guess right in the middle.  I have to slow myself down to patiently listen to older people and make sure my enunciation is clear and logical so they follow it (many have hearing deficits etc.).  With younger people, I often feel like they are like sped-up recordings. They apparently expect listeners to follow their thoughts as fast as they think them, not considering that the listeners have thoughts and logic structures of their own and, for that matter, can't always decipher the rapid pronunciation let alone the meaning.  Even if I can understand all of it, I don't enjoy listening to what feels like a barking tone.  Now maybe that is unfair - maybe that's what I sounded like too at that age.  I don't know.  If I catch my kids doing that, though, I will advise them to slow down and let their listeners process their words a bit as they speak.

[LucyStoner]

I’m not sure I see the connection between interrupting and not answering someone’s email completely.  

Interrupting is a communication style issue that can be part of family culture.  In my FOO, interrupting is the norm.  With my husband and sons though we don’t tend to cut each other off.  

[SereneHome]

1 hour ago, LucyStoner said:

I’m not sure I see the connection between interrupting and not answering someone’s email completely.  

Interrupting is a communication style issue that can be part of family culture.  In my FOO, interrupting is the norm.  With my husband and sons though we don’t tend to cut each other off.  

 

For me, it all falls under the category of not "listening" and not paying attention to the person "talking to you", whether it's verbal or written communication.

I don't know if I am seeing it more or as I am getting older I am noticing more.  So, I thought I would ask and see if it's just in my world or other people noticed it too.

[Wheres Toto]

People not reading things is a huge pet peeve of mine.  How do you NOT read something that's right in front of you?  If there are words, I automatically read them.

I constantly have people ask questions about things that were already stated.

[Jean in Newcastle]

My pet peeve is making generalized statements about entire generations or even society in general. It’s a variation on the old “kid’s nowadays “ complaint. Honestly, some people have always been interrupters. Some family dynamics are loud and chaotic. I don’t tend to be an interrupter but I have learned to interrupt a couple of friends because I would never get to say anything otherwise. I see it as a family culture thing as well as a personality thing. 

The email thing?  When it comes to business, people who are more “hungry “ for your business are going to spend more time trying to get your business. It’s a priority thing. I wish that everyone had the same priorities as I do, but they don’t. So I have to be the squeaky wheel at times in order to get them to make me a priority. Annoying, but what are you going to do?  

[Ausmumof3]

6 hours ago, SereneHome said:

I know a few of you mentioned not sending "long" emails, which they weren't.  Well, then I would be SOL bc the guy never answered his phone, which is understandable, since he is a roofer.  So, emails were the only way we could really reach him.  And if I only ask  one question per email, we would be writing back and forth for days and weeks, bc if I am spending thousands and thousands of dollars, I will ask every question I can think of before I have to sign a contract.   And frankly, it's not enough to be good at what you do, you need to be able to communicate with customers one way or another. 

If this was the only instance, may be I wouldn't blink.  I had the same issue with a guy who is running basketball thing my kid is doing.  I would ask 3 questions, get a response to one.  I have same issues at work.  I do taxes, I would ask for information for 5 items from a client, get response to 2. 

 

Unfortunately with trades there is sometimes some shortage that it really is good enough to be good at what you do.  People are desperate and just have to put up with the tradesperson available because they are all flat out.

[fairfarmhand]

For communicating in email I do the following:

I use a separate line for each part of the question.

I put a separate space between each part of what I need.

I am as succinct as possible.

 

So, if I am soliciting someone to work for me through email.

I need three rooms tiled,

I will buy the tile and other materials.

The work must be started by x date and completed by x date.

I will pay x percent up front with the balance due on completion.

[SamanthaCarter]

⤴️ This is how my dh writes all of his emails.

[Matryoshka]

22 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

For communicating in email I do the following:

I use a separate line for each part of the question.

I put a separate space between each part of what I need.

I am as succinct as possible.

 

So, if I am soliciting someone to work for me through email.

I need three rooms tiled,

I will buy the tile and other materials.

The work must be started by x date and completed by x date.

I will pay x percent up front with the balance due on completion.

I do this, and add either bullets or numbers for each line, and I often bold the part of the question that's important so it's more easily seen.  That doesn't even seem to help that much.

[Garga]

When I was a teenager, I remember older people jokingly (or maybe not so jokingly) saying, “Slow down!  Don’t forget to breathe!”when they heard me talking.  I remember being really annoyed at it and thinking, “Keep up!”

I’ve heard myself on recordings and I’ve slowed down my speech pattern a lot from then until now.  I don’t come across as hyper as I used to.

My dh has ADHD and interrupts A LOT.  A lot alot alotalot.  I used to interupt back and we’d interrupt each other all day long.  We didn’t mind.

But now, I’m tired of it.  When I turned 40, I started wanting quiet conversations where a person doesn’t have to rush their words or else risk being cut off if they pause long enough to inhale.  

There are very, very few people who listen like that.  I have an older friend who is verrrry slooooow (she did a lot of pot in the 60s, honestly, and is slooooow from it.). She’s a great listener!  ?. 

Lately, I’ve been doing my best to let other people talk and fully finish a thought before I talk back at them.  And when I’m really on the ball, I won’t respond with my thoughts right away—I’ll ask them to clarify what they said even more.   

I would like to find a few more people who talk slower and don’t interrupt and fully explore a topic before moving on to the next one.  But they’re rare.  

And no...people almost never answer *all* of the questions in email.

[TracyP]

40 minutes ago, Garga said:

When I was a teenager, I remember older people jokingly (or maybe not so jokingly) saying, “Slow down!  Don’t forget to breathe!”when they heard me talking.  I remember being really annoyed at it and thinking, “Keep up!”

?

 

That's funny. My mom used to always say, "Breathe, Tracy" when I was a teen because I talked so fast. I'd forgotten about that, so I guess I've slowed down since then. Lol

[cintinative]

I recently went through some training on reflective listening. You really have no idea how bad of a listener you are until you practice this. A lot of times when we listen we are "reactive" listeners. We are thinking of what we will say in response. We might be thinking of what advice to give, or how to "fix" their situation. However, far more often people just want to know they were heard. This is where I often fail as a friend. I have a tendency to think of solutions instead of looking at listening as part of a process the others are using to work through their own issues. In other words, by talking they are working it out for themselves. Asking questions and drawing out their thoughts is more helpful than offering solutions. IMHO, our society is very focused on quick solutions and it's easy to fall into that. Sometimes we are just simply too busy. We might want to listen, but we are so pressed for time that instead of really listening, we are thinking of where we need to be next or do next.

I used to work in a job where I had to request a lot of information from clients. For various reasons, one being that I needed written documentation, most of this was done via email. This is ten years ago and I still remember sending the 20 item (numbered) list, then removing the data sent, then sending the 15 item list, etc. etc.  I tend to think this person's philosophy was that sending something was better than sending nothing and waiting until he had all the data. But it still fell on me to figure out what I had and did not have and send him regular reminders for the rest. Some people are just like that I guess?  I can see how if I was unpaid and trying to get that information from them I would be frustrated as the OP has mentioned. 

Edited October 22, 2018 by cintinative

[SKL]

In addition to some of the business email ideas mentioned above, I often put very brief notations in the title of an email, especially if there is more than 1 issue I need them to address:

"Clientname:  (1) fee payment and (2) signature needed by October 22 (Tomorrow)."

Then I number the items in my email just like the ones in the title.

I do have one client (a new manager at an old company) who is a bit frustrating.  He says he doesn't know anything and needs to be told exactly what he needs to do.  Then he complains when he gets an email that has a list of things he needs to do.  He only wants each email to tell him one or two things.  But he doesn't want a lot of emails because then he can't keep track of the status of tasks.  Usually whatever emails he gets he does nothing because the emails overwhelm him.  The longer he does nothing, the more requests are going to be sent to him ....  So the auditors keep sending their email lists and he looks to me to somehow make it not a list??  I try....  And I have this quarterly thing he needs to do and I have told him the dates numerous times, but he still acts like it's a surprise when I send him a reminder.  "Oh I need more lead time, you put me in a bind."  What part of "please mark your calendar" is hard to understand?  Oh wait, it was probably too far down those emails I sent ....

[SereneHome]

After reading some of the replies, I truly don't know how some people stay in business.  I can not imagine wanting to do business with someone who is not communicating with their customer.  That would be a huge red flag for me.

At the same time, when I was working in corporate America, if I simply ignored emails bc "whoops, I ran out of time", I would have been fired in NY minute.

[Jean in Newcastle]

1 hour ago, cintinative said:

I recently went through some training on reflective listening. You really have no idea how bad of a listener you are until you practice this. A lot of times when we listen we are "reactive" listeners. We are thinking of what we will say in response. We might be thinking of what advice to give, or how to "fix" their situation. However, far more often people just want to know they were heard. This is where I often fail as a friend. I have a tendency to think of solutions instead of looking at listening as part of a process the others are using to work through their own issues. In other words, by talking they are working it out for themselves. Asking questions and drawing out their thoughts is more helpful than offering solutions. IMHO, our society is very focused on quick solutions and it's easy to fall into that. Sometimes we are just simply too busy. We might want to listen, but we are so pressed for time that instead of really listening, we are thinking of where we need to be next or do next.

I used to work in a job where I had to request a lot of information from clients. For various reasons, one being that I needed written documentation, most of this was done via email. This is ten years ago and I still remember sending the 20 item (numbered) list, then removing the data sent, then sending the 15 item list, etc. etc.  I tend to think this person's philosophy was that sending something was better than sending nothing and waiting until he had all the data. But it still fell on me to figure out what I had and did not have and send him regular reminders for the rest. Some people are just like that I guess?  I can see how if I was unpaid and trying to get that information from them I would be frustrated as the OP has mentioned. 

I remember taking a class on being a good listener in college. That was over 30 years ago. I remember being told that a good listener was rare (I still remember that because I remember making this resolution that I would be a good listener- sometimes I am, sometimes not. ).