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Janie Grace

s/o Why wouldn't you remarry?

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I have five friends who remarried. Two married great guys and are going strong. One had a rough go the first 5-7 years but is doing well now. And the other two are separated and are shell-shocked as to how this could happen again.

The other thing is that when you marry someone older, they come with all of the expectations and issues that come with living longer.You have to be willing to work through that. 

Makes you think. 

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No, honestly can't imagine going through old age with someone I would never really know.  It might be different if I was younger but at 55 I can't imagine combining my (really our) life with an outsider.

Also I learned from one of my mom's friends who decided to remarry in her mid sixties after being alone for a few years.  Two weeks after the wedding she found herself caring for a sick helpless belligerent jerk who she didn't really know......turned out he was actually close to broke so she got to support him too.  She thought she knew him!  Admittedly the stroke was unexpected ......... Anyway watching her was the a real lesson on why one should stay single after the death of a spouse!

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1 hour ago, --- said:

Why?  Because I've had enough.  38 years here.  I've done my time.  That, and I seem to gravitate towards the not-so-great guys.  (to put it nicely  ;))   

Plus, I see men my age at the gym (62yo).  They're in pretty good shape.  Yet even those don't appeal to me.  They just look so ...  OLD.  lol

I can relate to a lot of this post (except for the gravitating to not-so-great guys-- I'm lucky in that regard).

I know that you should never say never, but I know that I would never marry again.  I have so many reasons-- my DH is a great guy and I don't think for a second that I could find anyone as good as him again.  We have significant assets that I would not be willing to share with another person-- I want to leave everything possible to my daughters.  I wouldn't want to integrate a new person into my family and I wouldn't be interested in integrating into another person's family.  I am just not willing to go through all of it again, especially for no good reason-- i.e. having and raising children, etc.

In addition, I am 49 now.  I am not attracted to any other men my age.  I can't imagine wanting to be intimate with another man now that I am older.  I have no interest in that at all.  

 

 

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For me, I would just want to spend the remaining part of my life with me.  Selfish, I know, but dh and I dated for 8 years, will be married 30 years in December.  He's an ingrained part of my life that could not be rewritten.

On the other hand, my ex-best friend (no other way to say that) wanted to divorce her dh, moaned about it for years.  All she wanted was to have her own life.  Then her dh was diagnosed with cancer, died within two weeks.  She joined the dating sites within two months, was married within 6 months.  She dumped all of her previous friends, anything to do with her previous life.  My family wasn't even invited to the wedding.  So when someone says that they want the solitary lifestyle, I'm not so sure that's what they really want.  Maybe they want the version of themselves they think they can be with someone new.  

Just my two cents...

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My husband is my one and done.  There is no one who will love me the way he does (and vice versa) and I can't even imagine trying.  Honestly, I don't even want to try.  I certainly would never do it as long as my daughters are still at home.  

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I can't imagine ever wanting to marry again. I personally haven't experienced marriage as a particularly positive thing partly because of that disbalance in who carries the weight of responsibility in making life work so I wouldn't do it again. I'm also very introverted and have found being so closely entangled with someone really quite trying, I wouldn't choose to live out my life that attached to another human if I could make the choice again. 

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I can't really imagine getting married again, but I wouldn't say never.  I think what my dh and I have is pretty special.  There's never been a day that we haven't been excited to be married.  We practically grew up together and have now experienced the majority of lives together.  We've been through a heck of a lot together.  We're more like two halves, and one whole only when together.  I'm quite certain it would be impossible to have that with anyone else.  We've shared years and years and years together, and children and ups and downs and have grown together so much.

That said, I love having a companion.  So I wouldn't say a remarriage was impossible if something were to happen to my dh.  But it would be a very different kind of marriage.

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I love being married, and I married a good man. With hindsight I can see all the pitfalls of marrying young, or red flags that I didn't know to look for BUT I lucked out and got a great guy who would do anything for me. Every time something serious comes up, I see more clearly how we make a stellar team. We've grown up together and we've molded each other, just by being young and impressionable when we got married. Things are more set in stone now, and men who might be interested in me if I were widowed will also be set in their ways. There is no way we'd mold together the same way. Add in kids, blending families, and ugh. Oh, and I actually have financial assets to protect now, and if I don't protect them it affects my children, not just me.

Another thing is that I know a couple of men who are interested in children. They're totally nice, regular men who would probably not act on it. But if I know two men well enough to have actually heard them admit it, how many other men are like that? How many would act on it? What about when they're drunk, high, angry, horny, etc? No way would I expose my kids to the possibility of that. Because it happens. The statistics regarding step fathers are particularly bad.

 

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16 hours ago, Joules said:

Maybe? I also think women do the most work in a marriage: the relationship work, the housework, the parenting work, the practical work. Men mostly benefit from that. So once there is no promise of children, women balance the love of a relationship with all the work. I think men just see the love and support of the relationship with no downside.

I certainly do more of the emotional work around here.  I honestly think it’s never crossed my dh’s mind to reflect on his parenting style.  He just wings it as he goes.  I am more deliberate in how I do things with the kids, consiously creating memories or consiously picking my words to show support for them and whatnot.  

16 hours ago, Annie G said:

Dh and I have grown old together...raised kids, walked together through the deaths of our moms, faced his eight stents and double bypass. We’ve got a lot of history and I just think it would take me a long time to grieve. My sister’s dh has been gone 8 years and she’s nowhere near ready to move on to another guy.

And that aside, I have been, as a wife since 1980, the Keeper of Things. My children’s, my husband’s, my aging parents’ things, and my own things. I organized vacations,managed the budget,  handled the homeschooling, traipsed through holiday scheduling, kept dh organized when his career overwhelmed him, and took on so much during my mil’s dementia. I’m just....ready to be done being the keeper of things. With the kids grown and dh retiring from his longtime career in a matter of months, I’m finding time to just relax. I think starting a new relationship and doing the work a new marriage takes is just more than I want to take on. 

I do get tired of my workload, but my dh does do the yardwork, car and home maintenance, and bill paying.  I am so grateful he does those things and think to myself that if he was gone, taking on all that would be overwhelming to me.  I’m not sure I’d marry a man just so he could be my gardener and handyman, though.  ? I’d figure out how to handle it for myself. 

13 hours ago, marbel said:

I haven't read any responses.  

I don't know if I would remarry and quite honestly, I don't think anyone else does either.  I've known too many widows who said "he was the love of my life, I'm done" only to find someone who filled up at least some of the space left behind.  

And, my own life has been so full of unexpected changes, that I've come to realize it's foolish to say "I will never" about pretty much anything. 

I’ve thought to myself, “Never,” but I also realize that I can’t know for sure.  

11 hours ago, edelweiss said:

 

In addition, I am 49 now.  I am not attracted to any other men my age.  I can't imagine wanting to be intimate with another man now that I am older.  I have no interest in that at all.  

 

 

This is me now.  I’m just not attracted to men (or women) at this point.  I’ve thought, “If my dh was gone, is there anyone I would want to have tEa with,” and the answer is a resounding, “Ew.”  Maybe that sort of thing changes when you’re alone, but I’m just not interested in the men around me close to my age.  

4 hours ago, lailasmum said:

I can't imagine ever wanting to marry again. I personally haven't experienced marriage as a particularly positive thing partly because of that disbalance in who carries the weight of responsibility of making life work so I wouldn't do it again. I'm also very introverted and have found being so closely entangled with someone really quite trying, I wouldn't choose to live out my life that attached to another human if I could make the choice again. 

I worry that I’d choose poorly.  That I’d fall in gooey blind love and not see the red flags before it was too late.  And I really like silence when I’m at home.  Right now, I think I’d enjoy sitting home alone a lot.  But perhaps if that was my reality, I’d hate it after a year or so.  

It’s just so hard to tell.  It would be So Much Work to forge a life with someone else.  They’d have to be something else, for sure.  And I’m not even sure I know what I’d want.  I’d be flailing around trying to figure out what I wanted from a man at this point in life.

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If DH died, I'd not go looking for another spouse, but wouldn't be opposed to the universe dropping the right partner(s) into my life. Whether that led to legal marriage would have more to do with our economic circumstances, whether said partner(s) are already married, and any personal preferences or convictions they had about marriage.

I'd probably suggest DH's GF adopt my kids as their second parent, to provide them stability and security if something happened to me, and because she's been parenting them along with DH and I for the last 11 years, and we might well continue to keep a household together, but she'd have zero interest in marrying me (she has zero interest in remarrying anyone, including DH, even if I dropped dead or divorced him to make way for her to do so).  

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I don't think it's correlated to how the first marriage went.

mil remarried twice.  (2nd ended in divorce after 1 1/2 years.)   she was married to her 3rd dh for 20 years when he died.   my mother liked being single.

I've a dear friend who has been a widow for 20 years (she was in her 30's), and I'm not sure she's even dated.  she's currently talking about buying a house with her elderly father.  (they'd each sell their houses and buy another.)

I don't know if I would or not.  I think dh would be more likely to remarry, and that doesn't bother me.

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I love my husband but he’s no more a saint than I am.  So I wouldn’t have any issues of comparison or whatever.

If the kids were grown and I could maintain some independence, I guess I might consider it. But I very much doubt it.

Because marriage is full of heartache and pain and hard work and after doing that for literally my entire adult life, I don’t think that I’d be willing to sign up for a second round with someone else. 

And my life is full. I have friends. I have church. I have hobbies to pursue and lovely people to pursue them with regardless of my spouse.

And let’s be real. Men aren’t signing up to date 45+ year old women with a large number of kids and likely a larger number of debts.  I know a guy in his 60s+ might find me appealing as a “younger” woman comparatively to his age but I’m not interested in that either. And I run from drama, so blended family dynamics would be enough to dissuade me.

I have a wonderful sex life with dh but sex just wouldn’t be enough to convince me to date/remarry.

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So many thoughts....

DH and I have been together since high school, and I cannot imagine trying to date as a grown-up, in this day and age. I haven't "dated" since I was 16.....I would have no idea how to do so as a grown-up. Just making friends is complicated enough these days; no thank you. 

More than that, though, and more seriously, we've been together over half our lives already, and I cannot imagine ever finding that again. We have literally grown up together, and it would take a lifetime all over again to ever have this level of closeness, intimacy, trust, companionship, and just knowing each other that we have. The pain of losing that, should something ever happen to my husband.....it will take me a lifetime, I think, to overcome that; I don't think I would have energy or will or desire to learn another person at the same time. What dh and I have....it's the stuff of stories. It's Princess Bride "death cannot stop true love, only delay it for a while" kind of love. I can't imagine ever finding that again, and I highly doubt I'll ever have the desire to even try to create it again if something happens to him. 

In more logical terms....dh and I spent 10 months broken up, back in college, before we got married. During that time, we both dated others. And, for both of us, and for me especially, what I discovered during that time is that for me, there just honestly, completely, utterly is no one else. No one else gets me like he does, no one else is as perfectly suited to me as he is. Which is not the same as saying he's perfect, he's not, but he's perfect for me. It's like that perfectly comfortable, wonderful sweater (or shoes, or dress, or jeans, or whatever) that just *fits* you. It's not..."no one else could ever measure up" like he's on some pedestal or something.....but it very much *is*...."no one else could ever be as right for me as he is" because together, we just are. Right. Perfect. When you've had that.....for so long....you don't try again, I don't think. At least, I can't imagine doing so. 

But also, DH and I have a deal anyway, where he promised I get to die first so I don't have to deal with this. (and he's not the remarrying kind, either, plus he's promised if he does die first, he'll "haunt" me so, there's also that...). 

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19 hours ago, peacelovehomeschooling said:

I got married incrediby young.  My husband and I have been married for 32 years.  He is my best friend, my rock, my protector, my everything.  I pray dearly we have at least 32 more years together.       There is not a world I can imagine without him in it.    I have been married well well over half my life.   This is my one and only.    One marriage, one husband is more than enough for me.  There is no way I could ever find someone as perfect for me as my husband.

Also, marriage is hard as hell, I can't imagine wanting to do it again! 

 

This describes it the best so far to me.  My husband and I have been together since highschool, married after graduating from college.  I just can't imagine ever trusting someone ever again to this level. We have certainly had our ups and downs but we work through it and have every intention of continuing for the rest of our lives but yes, it is hard, hard, hard!!!    I see others dating today and I can't imagine being in their shoes.  Not.for.me.  I have one married child and I adore my DIL, still hoping and praying for how the next two go through the process.  

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1 hour ago, Murphy101 said:

I love my husband but he’s no more a saint than I am.  So I wouldn’t have any issues of comparison or whatever.

If the kids were grown and I could maintain some independence, I guess I might consider it. But I very much doubt it.

Because marriage is full of heartache and pain and hard work and after doing that for literally my entire adult life, I don’t think that I’d be willing to sign up for a second round with someone else. 

And my life is full. I have friends. I have church. I have hobbies to pursue and lovely people to pursue them with regardless of my spouse.

And let’s be real. Men aren’t signing up to date 45+ year old women with a large number of kids and likely a larger number of debts.  I know a guy in his 60s+ might find me appealing as a “younger” woman comparatively to his age but I’m not interested in that either. And I run from drama, so blended family dynamics would be enough to dissuade me.

I have a wonderful sex life with dh but sex just wouldn’t be enough to convince me to date/remarry.

Yep, to all of this except of course in my case it would be signing up for a third time.  At this point in my life I am  busy taking care of my parents, working, parenting adult and near adult children.  Dh told me the other day he believes if he died today that dss would stay with me and not go back to his mom's.  Now I am dealing with a girlfriend of ds18 and eventually probably marriage, grandchildren etc.  So yeah, my life is full and I would not want to add anything else to it.

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1 hour ago, Murphy101 said:

I love my husband but he’s no more a saint than I am.  So I wouldn’t have any issues of comparison or whatever.

If the kids were grown and I could maintain some independence, I guess I might consider it. But I very much doubt it.

Because marriage is full of heartache and pain and hard work and after doing that for literally my entire adult life, I don’t think that I’d be willing to sign up for a second round with someone else. 

And my life is full. I have friends. I have church. I have hobbies to pursue and lovely people to pursue them with regardless of my spouse.

And let’s be real. Men aren’t signing up to date 45+ year old women with a large number of kids and likely a larger number of debts.  I know a guy in his 60s+ might find me appealing as a “younger” woman comparatively to his age but I’m not interested in that either. And I run from drama, so blended family dynamics would be enough to dissuade me.

I have a wonderful sex life with dh but sex just wouldn’t be enough to convince me to date/remarry.

This is me. 

I'm just too tired to try all that again.

Money wouldn't be an issue as in debts and stuff, but for me it would always be a question in my mind..."Is he in it for the money?" I don't know if I could relax into a relationship because I'm suspicious and not so confident that I could see the red flags. 

I think I could be content with a life of friends, kids, grandkids, church activities, and my farm. 

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7 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

This is me. 

I'm just too tired to try all that again.

Money wouldn't be an issue as in debts and stuff, but for me it would always be a question in my mind..."Is he in it for the money?" I don't know if I could relax into a relationship because I'm suspicious and not so confident that I could see the red flags. 

I think I could be content with a life of friends, kids, grandkids, church activities, and my farm. 

 

No one is EVER going to be with me for the money so at least I’ve got that going for me. ROFLOL 

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At my age I'm just not interested in starting over. I would miss the close companionship I'm sure, but I'd rather find a good friend (male or female) than a love interest.

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I’ve been with DH since I was 18. I love him more than ever, and our marriage is great. If something happened to him and I were left a widow, I couldn’t see myself remarrying. Yes, my husband is amazing (but not perfect) and all that, but that’s not the main reason why I’d never remarry. My reason is that I’ve never been a single adult. I would want to pursue my own interests and passions and be able to come and go as I please without having to consider anyone else’s needs. It’s selfish, but when you consider how long I’ve been selfless as a wife and mother, it makes sense. My secondary reasons are that I love my husband so much, I couldn’t see myself with anyone else. We built our lives and family together, I just can’t imagine another person in his place. Also, marriage is hard work and lots of compromise. I have no desire to work that hard and compromise with another person like that ever again. 

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On 10/2/2018 at 1:59 PM, extendedforecast said:

I’ve been with DH since I was 18. I love him more than ever, and our marriage is great. If something happened to him and I were left a widow, I couldn’t see myself remarrying. Yes, my husband is amazing (but not perfect) and all that, but that’s not the main reason why I’d never remarry. My reason is that I’ve never been a single adult. I would want to pursue my own interests and passions and be able to come and go as I please without having to consider anyone else’s needs. It’s selfish, but when you consider how long I’ve been selfless as a wife and mother, it makes sense. My secondary reasons are that I love my husband so much, I couldn’t see myself with anyone else. We built our lives and family together, I just can’t imagine another person in his place. Also, marriage is hard work and lots of compromise. I have no desire to work that hard and compromise with another person like that ever again. 

 

I'm just riffing off your post; I think a couple of other people have said this too.  

I don't understand what is selfish about your thoughts.  If you were talking about leaving your family to pursue your own interests, etc, that would be selfish, sure. But to consider the possibility of living alone someday if circumstances thrust that upon you... nothing selfish there at all. 

I lived a good bit of my adult life as a single person, and I could easily see myself doing that again.  I am pretty sure that if I had never met my husband/never married, I would have had a good life.  (I only say pretty sure because no one can ever know what the life they didn't live would have been like.)  I readily admit that I have moments of envying my single friends, even as I know they sometimes envy me. It passes.  :-)

ETA: Today I stopped by our suburban commuter train station to pick up a couple of tickets for my daughter to go downtown later this week. As I was leaving, a train pulled in, and I had such an urge to just jump on.  It wasn't going anyplace special - just to deeper suburbs, away from Philadelphia. Well, one town on the line is cute and nice for walking, but still, not an exotic location.  But if I didn't have to go to work tonight, and hadn't started a  pot of soup cooking, and didn't have laundry to tend to... wouldn't it have been nice to jump on that train for a little afternoon excursion...  :-)  

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1 hour ago, Murphy101 said:

 

No one is EVER going to be with me for the money so at least I’ve got that going for me. ROFLOL 

 

I was thinking the same thing as I was reading the money concern posts ?

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24 minutes ago, extendedforecast said:

I’ve been with DH since I was 18. I love him more than ever, and our marriage is great. If something happened to him and I were left a widow, I couldn’t see myself remarrying. Yes, my husband is amazing (but not perfect) and all that, but that’s not the main reason why I’d never remarry. My reason is that I’ve never been a single adult. I would want to pursue my own interests and passions and be able to come and go as I please without having to consider anyone else’s needs. It’s selfish, but when you consider how long I’ve been selfless as a wife and mother, it makes sense. My secondary reasons are that I love my husband so much, I couldn’t see myself with anyone else. We built our lives and family together, I just can’t imagine another person in his place. Also, marriage is hard work and lots of compromise. I have no desire to work that hard and compromise with another person like that ever again. 

 

 

This is nicely said and sums up my feelings as well.  I was with DH at 18 and married at 19.  I have never been a free, single adult.  He has been in the picture my entire adult life and I am so happy that he has been there.  I love him to the moon and back.  I hope he lives to be 101 and that remarriage is a non-issue ❤️ 

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My DH and I have a good marriage.  He is absolutely my peace and stability.  Honestly, what I wonder about is not finding the perfect man for me...it is being the perfect woman for someone else.  DH and I have been together for a very, very long time.  He loves and forgives me through my utter failings and faults.  He has his share too, I assure you, and I forgive him and love him through them anyway.  But, we seem to revisit the same faults and problems, working through them in a deeper way each time.  They are all, fortunately and by our standards, trivial faults, but they can really push our buttons and cause heartache!  

So, what I cannot imagine AT ALL is trusting anyone besides my Dear Husband to put up with my faults when they rear their ugly head! 

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I've had a rough marriage due to dh's mental health difficulties. In many ways I've adjusted to living and acting independently. I don't know what a more companionable marriage would be like, I kinda think I wouldn't want to give up my independence.

When I try to imagine falling in love with and marrying someone else I draw a blank.

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21 hours ago, Attolia said:

Just a rambling thought, is it in in our wiring (ie many women) that makes us say "marriage is great but one is enough" vs a man saying "marriage is great, I can't live without it"?  I feel like many women carry the burden of marriage heavier, as in, we get more emotionally invested.  A man is married to a woman and he might love her dearly but that doesn't mean he has the level of emotional investment that a woman often has, or at least from what I see.  I think that we as women tend wrap our own identity in that of our husband, we tangle the two together, etc.  I am not sure most men do this?  

 

I think it’s because women *generally speaking* give up more autonomy in a marriage. Once is enough. 

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I may never remarry. I'm not necessarily against it, but I'd rather have a long-term relationship before considering marriage again. My case is a bit different in that ds is now technically an adult, so I'm not worried about kids. 

I will be going back to live with my mother (ds, me, and my mom all share a house) after grad school, so adding another person to the household wouldn't really work space wise. I am committed to helping my mother in her elder years, so until ds moves out that really precludes adding anyone else to the house.  Again, that's where a long-term relationship would be okay. 

I'd want to make sure I could live with someone before committing to marriage. I have quirky habits, I don't cook much, and I'd want to make sure their expectations line up with my realities. 

I miss companionship. I miss sharing an intimacy (emotional and physical) with someone of the opposite sex. 

I'm also over 50, have a list of deal-breaking issues, and am not really running into many eligible men in the circles I run in. 

I recently watched Destination Wedding, which I adored by the way. I hold out hope that someone I will find someone whose baggage and quirks meshes well with my baggage and quirks. 

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I don't think I would have the energy. Dh and I were rock solid for 27 years, and he's been my best friend. But, I can honestly say that I've also shouldered the entire burden for relationship building and maintaining, most of the kids' stuff, the house stuff, etc. you name it; it has fallen to me. On top of that, I put on hold a very lucrative music career in order to do the homeschool mom thing, and now I'm too old to really get it back so basically cobbling together what I can. I have no intention of interrupting my attempt to get back what little I can with the constraints of another man, and the inevitable care and attention he will demand.

After what my mother, father figure, and sister put us through, Dh and I are just hanging on together, purely a commitment thing, and yes we do still very much love each other, but love doesn't actually mean much when relationships have been rubbed raw and deeply wounded, so the mere thought of forging another intimate relationship with another partner makes me feel rather nauseated. No way. No thanks.

I am interested in starting over with another person and especially so with the complications of the emotionalism that could be produced from 4 adult children who might not like it one little bit. I have a grandson so I'll just invest my energy there when I'm not at work. I'm the grandmother with rockets and all kinds of cool stuff, so I can fill my spare time with that and my work.

 

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Husband will soon be retired military. I’ve been on my own a lot with my girls. While I missed my hubby, I wasn’t the spouse counting down until he got back. I feel I could get my emotional needs met with volunteering and being a great mom/ grandma to future grandchildren. Plus, I enjoy solitude?

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At my age (42), it would pretty difficult to find a man who could meet the qualifications I would have. I've gained enough life experience to know what I would want in a spouse.  Hopefully, I won't be a young widow, but if I am I plan to live single and happy thankyouverymuch.

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1 minute ago, Rosie_0801 said:

I hope widows grow a culture of sharing houses, like college students do.

 

I kid you not, me and 3 friends have exactly such an agreement.

With regard to previous comments about not having experienced enough single life being a factor. I guess for me it’s the opposite. Though I have been with dh for my entire adult life and a good portion of my teen years, for most of our marriage he has traveled for work. And frankly, I was very supportive of his work even though I hated being a single mom and honestly would not have married him if I’d known that was going to be the case. I guess he is lucky that came after we married and started having a few kids. But I’m not scared to be single in and of itself. Basicly dh sent money and I literally did/do everything else. So it’s not like I don’t know how to function without a man. 

I would miss having someone to talk about my day with before bed and that kind of thing, but I have close friends and I’m close to my grown/growing kids, I have engaging hobbies and interests that invite social interaction. I’m starting to travel for the first time - I’m going on two short vacations with my girlfriends. In 25 years, I have never had a vacation. The most I’ve ever had a weekend trip to something for one of the kids activities. And dh is staying home with the kids for the first time  without it meaning I’m in the hospital for a baby or gallbladder or a broken ankle. lol Next year, I’m going back to school and I’m super excited about that though I’m also super anxious about it too.  It’s great that dh is finally here to be supportive of ME and the kids.  In fact, it’s no exaggeration to say I think it would ruin our marriage if he started traveling again or asked me to move at this point. And yes, I do still have tremendous love and commitment for him. I guess that’s the real reason I probably wouldn’t remarry. Unlike 19 year old me or even 30 year old me, 45 year old me is extremely aware that sometimes even profound deep abiding love isn’t enough to make a marriage a good marriage. I’m not as willing to take that gamble now as I once was and that’s even though I’ve already got a sure thing now. Can’t fathom starting over with some guy I don’t even know.

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Yaknow, we don't have a culture of thinking we ought to replace other family members (parent, sibling, child...) or even friends who pass away.

I know remarriage isn't necessarily about "replacing" a spouse but sometimes it feels like we are somehow more uncomfortable with letting that particular relationship hole just be there.

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One of friends just returned from a cruise where three older ladies said they decided to travel the world together. They just go from cruise ship to another and stay with their children during the holidays. Said it’s cheaper than maintaining a home or a retirement villa and they get to hang it together having more fun. 

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18 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

I hope widows grow a culture of sharing houses, like college students do.

My sister shares a house with her high school best friend. They are both widows in their 60’s and it works beautifully.  I agree with you- hope it grows. 

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2 minutes ago, maize said:

Yaknow, we don't have a culture of thinking we ought to replace other family members (parent, sibling, child...) or even friends who pass away.

I know remarriage isn't necessarily about "replacing" a spouse but sometimes it feels like we are somehow more uncomfortable with letting that particular relationship hole just be there.

 

I don’t think it’s about the spouse. I think it’s about living alone being viewed as being lonely. They aren’t necessarily the same thing.  But especially for men, I think it often is the same. For women, we tend to make more effort to socialize than older men do, which I think abates much of the lonely issues. 

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1 minute ago, Murphy101 said:

 

I don’t think it’s about the spouse. I think it’s about living alone being viewed as being lonely. They aren’t necessarily the same thing.  But especially for men, I think it often is the same. For women, we tend to make more effort to socialize than older men do, which I think abates much of the lonely issues. 

 

I've got another 40 years of single life to look forward to. It's lonely.

But I think there is probably a difference between a woman who feels like her wife/mother story came to an appropriate end, and one who had it taken away before she was done.

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1 minute ago, Rosie_0801 said:

 

I've got another 40 years of single life to look forward to. It's lonely.

But I think there is probably a difference between a woman who feels like her wife/mother story came to an appropriate end, and one who had it taken away before she was done.

 

Oh God yes. Reaching a natural expected conclusion is far different than feeling betrayed and robbed of it. (((Hugs)))

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28 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

I hope widows grow a culture of sharing houses, like college students do.

I could absolutely see myself being happy to the end of my days with a friend or three living as roommates in a compound than with a spouse of some sort.  My husband’s grandmother lived next door to her sister in law for their entire married lives and, though both their husbands were gone for YEARS, they were happy as clams and watched our for one another until the day her sister in law died.  

 

I have a few friends I want to ask about this now ?

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I could see myself sharing a home with a sister or friend quite happily. A pleasant person I get along with and who doesn't burden me with expectations? Sure!

I can also see myself living alone, I'm enough of an introvert that that idea doesn't feel oppressive. It might be fun to have a travel companion to adventure with at times. If I have grandkids nearby so much the better.

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1 hour ago, Rosie_0801 said:

I hope widows grow a culture of sharing houses, like college students do.

 

45 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

 

I kid you not, me and 3 friends have exactly such an agreement.

 

42 minutes ago, Annie G said:

My sister shares a house with her high school best friend. They are both widows in their 60’s and it works beautifully.  I agree with you- hope it grows. 

 

31 minutes ago, Arctic Mama said:

I could absolutely see myself being happy to the end of my days with a friend or three living as roommates in a compound than with a spouse of some sort.  My husband’s grandmother lived next door to her sister in law for their entire married lives and, though both their husbands were gone for YEARS, they were happy as clams and watched our for one another until the day her sister in law died.  

 

I have a few friends I want to ask about this now ?

 

14 minutes ago, maize said:

I could see myself sharing a home with a sister or friend quite happily. A pleasant person I get along with and who doesn't burden me with expectations? Sure!

I can also see myself living alone, I'm enough of an introvert that that idea doesn't feel oppressive. It might be fun to have a travel companion to adventure with at times. If I have grandkids nearby so much the better.

I have three friends--we've all known each other since high school, some of us since early elementary school. We're all in our mid-50's now. And we have not so jokingly thrown around the idea of sharing a home at some point if more than one of us is widowed. It would be a bear to work out the cost sharing/ownership considerations (unless if it was a rental, I guess) and I think all sorts of rules would need to be established and agreed to well in advance. But I think it could work. I'm an introvert, so I'd definitely need a bedroom of my own where I could get my alone time.

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4 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

I hope widows grow a culture of sharing houses, like college students do.

There are four of us who call ourselves The Golden Girls. That's our someday plan.

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I feel like I wouldn't want to, but I don't think I said that in the other thread because after 9/11 I repeatedly read that MOST women in happy marriages are convinced if their spouse dies they'll never marry again, but in reality they are more likely to not only marry again, but to have another happy marriage again.  The articles that claimed that said that it turned out the skills that went into picking a compatible spouse, working through conflict, and what led to a happy marriage in the first place are highly likely to result in another happy marriage.

What I can say for sure is that I would be really unlikely to marry again until my children are all older or grown. I'm too terrified of my kids being victims of sexual abuse to risk it.

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My husband is my one and only. We have been married for 30 years and are 60. He was the perfect man for me, not the perfect man, but my perfect fit. Now I am his caregiver as we walk through a terminal illness together, ALS with frontal temporal dementia.  This is STINKING HARD!?. He has left me already mentally, but I can see the spark, the essence of him, in his eyes, because I have loved this man for 33 years and I know him better than anyone else. I have always thought if anything happened to him I would have no desire to remarry. But this disease clinches it.  I can walk this path because the Lord is enabling me and a big part of that is our 33 year shared history. I DO NOT WANT to EVER have to do anything like this again!!!! And since I am 60 the odds would be I would not have many years with a second spouse before health issues would arise.  

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I'm busy.
And I have weird goals/plans/interests.
And the idea of adapting to someone else's quirks while they try to adapt to mine sounds like a nightmare.

I'm actually a never say never person, but it is highly unlikely.

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8 hours ago, Katy said:

I feel like I wouldn't want to, but I don't think I said that in the other thread because after 9/11 I repeatedly read that MOST women in happy marriages are convinced if their spouse dies they'll never marry again, but in reality they are more likely to not only marry again, but to have another happy marriage again.  The articles that claimed that said that it turned out the skills that went into picking a compatible spouse, working through conflict, and what led to a happy marriage in the first place are highly likely to result in another happy marriage.

What I can say for sure is that I would be really unlikely to marry again until my children are all older or grown. I'm too terrified of my kids being victims of sexual abuse to risk it.

 

My understanding is that the happier one is in their marriage, the more likely they are to remarry and to do so rather quickly. 

It just so happens that apparently men tend to be happier in marriage than women.

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I don't think I'd want a roommate in my old age. I'd probably invite someone over to visit, but I like having the place to myself sometimes and it wouldn't be the same living with someone. One semester in college my parents paid extra so I could have my own room lol. It was a compromise to living off campus. 

1 hour ago, Murphy101 said:

 

My understanding is that the happier one is in their marriage, the more likely they are to remarry and to do so rather quickly. 

It just so happens that apparently men tend to be happier in marriage than women.

Hm. Well I do still think some of this has to do with the caregiver mentality. They may want a woman to take care of them. Cook for them or do laundry or whatever. When I met dh I didn't think of him as the traditional guy (gender roles) but yet there were still expectations (perhaps unspoken) of what a wife does. I would fear this would be the case with just about any man and I don't know that I'd want to sign up for that. 

Edited by heartlikealion
expectations not exceptions
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3 hours ago, Mary in VA said:

My husband is my one and only. We have been married for 30 years and are 60. He was the perfect man for me, not the perfect man, but my perfect fit. Now I am his caregiver as we walk through a terminal illness together, ALS with frontal temporal dementia.  This is STINKING HARD!?. He has left me already mentally, but I can see the spark, the essence of him, in his eyes, because I have loved this man for 33 years and I know him better than anyone else. I have always thought if anything happened to him I would have no desire to remarry. But this disease clinches it.  I can walk this path because the Lord is enabling me and a big part of that is our 33 year shared history. I DO NOT WANT to EVER have to do anything like this again!!!! And since I am 60 the odds would be I would not have many years with a second spouse before health issues would arise.  

Hugs, This is exactly my fear in terms of a second marriage.

I could and would do my best to care for my husband who I actually have a forty year history with, but to give that level of care to a relatively new person in my life, no thank you.  My father had dementia and caring for him was really hard.  We were fortunate because he turned very sweet and the real him was really not.  My BF’s dad turned mean with dementia, he was such a gentle man before.  The personality changes strokes can cause alone would make me totally choose not to put myself in this potential situation.

59 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

 

My understanding is that the happier one is in their marriage, the more likely they are to remarry and to do so rather quickly. 

It just so happens that apparently men tend to be happier in marriage than women.

I think that is true.  At one point after I left home my dad had my mom give he cooking lessons......he could do all his favorite crockpots by the end of the lessons ?........because he figured his friends were mainly remarrying in desperation for a live in cook.  My parents were just short of 60 years of marriage when my father died.  Thanks to my bed rest pregnancies hubby is pretty self sufficient so I don’t expect to need to teach him how to cook anytime soon!

I also think that traditionally women have been left poor widows with a need to remarry to improve their standard of living.  What I am reading here is many have financial plans in place to be able to live the old age they expect without remarrying.  I will admit I also wonder a bit if our group of homeschool mama’s might be a bit burnt out in terms of caregiving. ? I know I am tired from my years of being responsible for so much for my family and even now I am becoming rather selfish with my time.  I no longer “do” as much in terms of committees and outside commitments that have “work” attached to them. I have actually scaled way back in the past couple of years so I can spend more quality time with hubby and the kids when they are available.  

Edited by mumto2
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On 10/1/2018 at 4:14 PM, Pawz4me said:

Financial reasons -- DH and I worked long and hard for what we have. I wouldn't want to risk that. Of course there's always a pre-nup, but . . there are still legal entanglements in any marriage, and I wouldn't want that.

I think I'd like being independent more than I'd need a partner.

I really don't think I'd want the responsibility/work of maintaining a relationship.

Since women generally live longer than men, unless I married a younger man the odds are I'd just end up being his caregiver.

Even though our boys are adult, I wouldn't want to disrupt our family. We're close. I wouldn't want to risk losing one single, tiny little bit of my boys because they might not feel totally comfortable around a new person.

I could probably think of several more reasons, but those are the ones that immediately spring to mind.

Caveat: I'm 55. I might think a lot differently if I were ten or twenty years younger.

 

I am married to a great guy, and can't imagine starting over with anyone else. We have had a great life together.  

And  it should soon be retirement time.  And as I think about my folks,married very young- 16 and 27-- now 80 and 91-- I see the freedoms my mom would have as a single. She has so many things she's interested in, and would love to spend more time on those hobbles/interests.

I think there comes a point where the freedom to do as you want- hobbies and things you never get to do, cook the foods YOU like, be in charge of the TV- haha, etc.sounds really good.  My mil had several male friends in her life after she was widowed.  From this vantage point, I see why she didn't remarry.   It would take someone pretty special to make the blended life sound appealing again.

 

Edited by Tina
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On 10/1/2018 at 8:37 PM, Teresa in MO said:

By dh died very unexpectedly 2 years ago.  We married at 18 and were married for 38 years.  He truly was the love of my life.  I still view myself as his wife, if that makes any sense.  I agree with others that I've had the best and it would not be fair to compare, even though the loneliness is unbearable at times.

 

This is basically exactly what my MIL says, except they married when she was 16 and were married 40 years.  She’s been a widow for 7 years now. 

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Freedom.  That's not a jab at my husband, btw, or implying that he's restrictive or something!  I think that for a long time I'd be sad, it would be weird without him, and then...I'd get used to being alone and doing whatever I want to do if that makes sense.  But this is more of an "I know myself" thing than a decision NOT to remarry.  I would never be totally closed off to the possibility but I just don't see it for myself personally when I think about it now.

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