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Going through a rough patch


fairfarmhand
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I’m so sorry things are rough right now - I totally relate. I’ve decided there is no such thing as a “normal” family -everyone has something, even if they’re not public about it. I have so much stuff going on in my family that nobody knows about, literally nobody. 

Huge hugs, I hope things get better! 

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I think those struggling just don't share as much, and those that share are the ones viewed as "normal."

But I also think that even those who only share the good stuff, aren't being honest and don't share the tough stuff as much.  I have seen it a lot, at church, on Facebook, etc.....

It is hard to share the hard stuff......

I had a special needs child.  He couldn't handle school.  It is the main reason we homeschooled.  I couldn't even leave him at a party or event and drive away until he was about 16 or 17, and even then it was only certain people I felt comfortable doing it with.  I was fearful of getting a call saying, "Could you please come get him?  He is disruptive, angry, won't listen and is walking away in a public place, or any number of issues."

It was hard to see all the FB posts about the "perfect families" and yet, some of them, I KNEW their families weren't perfect......it was a farce.

Hugs.

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3 minutes ago, DawnM said:

I think those struggling just don't share as much, and those that share are the ones viewed as "normal."

But I also think that even those who only share the good stuff, aren't being honest and don't share the tough stuff as much.  I have seen it a lot, at church, on Facebook, etc.....

It is hard to share the hard stuff......

I had a special needs child.  He couldn't handle school.  It is the main reason we homeschooled.  I couldn't even leave him at a party or event and drive away until he was about 16 or 17, and even then it was only certain people I felt comfortable doing it with.  I was fearful of getting a call saying, "Could you please come get him?  He is disruptive, angry, won't listen and is walking away in a public place, or any number of issues."

It was hard to see all the FB posts about the "perfect families" and yet, some of them, I KNEW their families weren't perfect......it was a farce.

Hugs.

You know that they say the definition of a dysfunctional family is 'one that has more than one person in it'.  No offense intended to families who are really struggling, but sometimes it does help to remember that many people are just able to hide the struggles, and comparison steals joy. 

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9 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

One of my kids is hard. Always has been. We’re in the midst of the hardest hard we’ve ever experienced. 

I look at normal families and wish so bad that we were normal. I’m tired of this. 

It was supposed to be easier than this. 

I get it. I could write every word of this post. Always hard, since birth. Yup. Although I will say right now isn't the hardest patch, just a more frustrating patch, if that makes sense. Hugs to you, as the really hard times are scary and defeating. 

Praying for you. 

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1 hour ago, DawnM said:

I think those struggling just don't share as much, and those that share are the ones viewed as "normal."

But I also think that even those who only share the good stuff, aren't being honest and don't share the tough stuff as much.  I have seen it a lot, at church, on Facebook, etc.....

It is hard to share the hard stuff......

I had a special needs child.  He couldn't handle school.  It is the main reason we homeschooled.  I couldn't even leave him at a party or event and drive away until he was about 16 or 17, and even then it was only certain people I felt comfortable doing it with.  I was fearful of getting a call saying, "Could you please come get him?  He is disruptive, angry, won't listen and is walking away in a public place, or any number of issues."

It was hard to see all the FB posts about the "perfect families" and yet, some of them, I KNEW their families weren't perfect......it was a farce.

Hugs.

I mentioned something similar in another thread re parents who claim they don't help their children once they become adults/turn 18.

Some parents talk a good game but the reality is some of it is just Big Balls Billy talk and they are helping their kids as much as the next guy.

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I could have written this. I’ve been grieving these last few months because I think I’m accepting that it’s NOT going to get better. That this doesn’t pass. For 7 years, I’ve been getting through the day by believing that he’ll get better (you’ve been doing this so much longer than me. I’m in awe of you). That this will get easier. That I’ll find the right thing. Or at least that people will stop thinking that if I just parent their way, he’ll stop. 

Hugs.

 

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Many hugs. I so remember that feeling of looking at other families when my ds1 was hospitalized for the second time. So worried for his future, so sad, frustrated, and angry- I could hardly bear it.

With the right diagnosis and ds1 doing the work of staying well, we are generally optimistic now. And dh and I have found that being open and honest about the hard times is better for all of us than pretending everything is perfect. It allows other people to be open and honest as well and it can bring healing to everyone.

 

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3 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

Boy I’m even more glad that I’m not on Facebook. It’s hard enough attending church on Sunday with all the happy families.

But remember how many of those happy families are the families everyone is shocked about when they fall apart. They aren't always as happy as they seem. Or they may just be happy right now. No-one gets out of this life without difficulties. Please don't compare yourself and your family to others, it never helps.

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I'm really sorry.  When you try so, so hard to do everything right as a parent and yet have a child who grows up to be a very challenging young adult, it is not only heartbreaking but it's extremely confusing.  You constantly ask yourself what happened.  It's almost a surreal experience.  It sounds like you're at a very crucial point right now, and I'm praying for your dd.

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1 hour ago, Patty Joanna said:

 

I agree that people don't share the hard stuff, but I don't think it can all be called dishonesty.  When we were in our toughest times, I had no qualms about talking with people who knew and loved my son and me about what was going on.  But I didn't put much (if any) of the struggle on FB because that is public, it is forever, and it is not ALL my story.  I wanted to leave space for my son to come through everything without having future employers nosing around in his junior high/high school past.  (Ironic timing, this post.). I wanted him to have a chance to become the best person he could be without my angst and his difficulties following him through all the days of his life.  And furthermore, had I posted everything I knew about what had gone on in his life, I could *easily* have destroyed the life of another person, who is now finding *her* way in life.  Believe me, some days, I *wanted* to destroy her.  But the better angels prevailed and I am thankful that they did.  

I'm *very* glad I didn't post bad stuff about our situation.  I don't think it makes me dishonest--I didn't pretend things were rosy and sunny.  I just didn't overshare the stuff that could come back to bite anyone but me.  

 

 

That wasn't really my point.....my point was not to compare yourself with what you see and think everything is so great with other families.

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5 hours ago, Patty Joanna said:

 

I agree that people don't share the hard stuff, but I don't think it can all be called dishonesty.  When we were in our toughest times, I had no qualms about talking with people who knew and loved my son and me about what was going on.  But I didn't put much (if any) of the struggle on FB because that is public, it is forever, and it is not ALL my story.  I wanted to leave space for my son to come through everything without having future employers nosing around in his junior high/high school past.  (Ironic timing, this post.). I wanted him to have a chance to become the best person he could be without my angst and his difficulties following him through all the days of his life.  And furthermore, had I posted everything I knew about what had gone on in his life, I could *easily* have destroyed the life of another person, who is now finding *her* way in life.  Believe me, some days, I *wanted* to destroy her.  But the better angels prevailed and I am thankful that they did.  

I'm *very* glad I didn't post bad stuff about our situation.  I don't think it makes me dishonest--I didn't pretend things were rosy and sunny.  I just didn't overshare the stuff that could come back to bite anyone but me.  

 

ITA

One of the sad lessons I learned (probably pretty late in life) when I lost my baby is that not all people are kind, true, real, decent. Some are cruel, self-centered, ignorant and just glad that crappy thing didn’t happen to them. I am GLAD social media was not well-developed at that time and I still had a dial-up internet connection, because I was very open, very trusting and totally naive. I shared anything with anybody who asked and it never ocurred to me to say, “I don’t wish to share that information.” 

I wish I had known then what I know now and trusted far fewer people with my heart-felt, honest feelings. Some people scarred me so deeply. Some people did favors for me but with strings attached. One “friend” was mad I hadn’t noticed she put roasted garlic - not merely ordinary garlic - in the chicken marsala meal she made for my family one week after I buried my baby. This same person was offended I did not send her a thank you note. (Although, actually, I did, and I also sent her Baklava because I knew it was her favorite dessert. But I waited something like a month or so before I did that, so I guess that was not prompt enough.) 

I am very judicious about what I put on social media, especially when it comes to my kids’ problems, but even when it is my own. Stuff can be used against me, my family, my kids and I don’t want that. 

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Do you have friends that you can be totally honest with?  

I don't think people who seem happily normal (whatever that is, I don't even know what that looks like anymore) are living a farce or being dishonest.  I think humans suck and we are usually right to listen to our instinct to be very hesitant about being completely open with them.  Don't get me wrong.  I know I need to love my fellow humans too.  But I don't think loving them means giving them a knife to stab in my back either.  Or more concerning, my husband's or kids backs.

But having people you can call at 5am when you can't sleep because your whole world is falling apart and they will meet you for coffee and a good cry. Or who understand that being in a dark place can lead to some dark humor and laugh with you? No joke, I'd leave my husband before I'd sacrifice those friends. I'm blessed to have 4 of them.  I have no idea what I ever did to deserve any one of them, but I do my best to be one of them too. But to people who aren't those 4 people? They probably think I live some charmed life of marital or parenting or financial bliss.  I don't. And am unlikely to ever have it regardless of what I do. So I'm trying to find joy where I can and that's likely all someone sees on my FB page or in the pew or during polite social conversation.

So do you have someone IRL you can be totally honest with and who can be totally honest with you?

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15 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

Do you have friends that you can be totally honest with?  

I don't think people who seem happily normal (whatever that is, I don't even know what that looks like anymore) are living a farce or being dishonest.  I think humans suck and we are usually right to listen to our instinct to be very hesitant about being completely open with them.  Don't get me wrong.  I know I need to love my fellow humans too.  But I don't think loving them means giving them a knife to stab in my back either.  Or more concerning, my husband's or kids backs.

But having people you can call at 5am when you can't sleep because your whole world is falling apart and they will meet you for coffee and a good cry. Or who understand that being in a dark place can lead to some dark humor and laugh with you? No joke, I'd leave my husband before I'd sacrifice those friends. I'm blessed to have 4 of them.  I have no idea what I ever did to deserve any one of them, but I do my best to be one of them too. But to people who aren't those 4 people? They probably think I live some charmed life of marital or parenting or financial bliss.  I don't. And am unlikely to ever have it regardless of what I do. So I'm trying to find joy where I can and that's likely all someone sees on my FB page or in the pew or during polite social conversation.

So do you have someone IRL you can be totally honest with and who can be totally honest with you?

Yes. One of them sent me a lovely text yesterday that brought tears to my eyes.

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