Do men shake your hand?

[JumpyTheFrog]

I find that often men won't stick their hand out to shake mine, even if they automatically stick it out to shake my husband's. Does this happen often to you?

[Spryte]

We moved recently and I’ve found that to be the case in our new location.  And if I do get a handshake, usually because I’ve stuck my hand out, I get the weak, limp wrist handshake [shudder].

I’ve also found that contractors etc respond quite differently to me than they do to DH here.  

It’s irritating as heck.

ETA: We didn’t move far, but moved to a more southern area, not Deep South, but definitely a different culture from our former location an hour away. Much more conservative, though still on the fringes of our metro area.  I don’t necessarily mean conservative in the political sense, but more in the type of taste people have in homes and clothes and cars.

Edited September 14, 2018 by Spryte

[Shellydon]

Men shake my hand all the time, it's never been an issue. 

[Pawz4me]

16 minutes ago, JumpyTheFrog said:

Does this happen often to you?

No.

[alisoncooks]

I don't know. I think I preemptively stick out my hand before it's a question.

[Faith-manor]

I have not had that issue here. They always extend their hand and give a hearty shake. I am in the Great Lakes Region which does have some commonality with the Midwest, and yet has its own culture too. I did not notice anything different when we lived on the West Coast, but the one and only year we lived in Florida, I noticed that at the church where I had been hired as an accompanist, the men did not shake women's hands but often kind of cocked their heads in respect or something. Not sure. I never asked, and wasn't there long enough to discover the reason.

[iamonlyone]

Somewhere along the way I was taught (don't even remember by whom) that if a woman wants to shake a man's hand, she initiates the handshake. I do notice that if I don't want to shake hands, a man usually doesn't put his hand out.

Ah, here we go, I guess it's not just something I made up: http://www.littlethingsmatter.com/blog/2010/01/28/handshakes-really-do-matter/

[Arcadia]

24 minutes ago, JumpyTheFrog said:

I find that often men won't stick their hand out to shake mine, even if they automatically stick it out to shake my husband's. 

 

I have been taught ladies first when it comes to handshake so I am suppose to proffer my hand for a handshake with a guy, even if the guy is higher up in rank (supervisor, CEO, CFO) or social status (e.g mayor). That’s for the American MNCs that I worked at. 

For the more conservative people in my social circle, the guy sticking out his hand to shake a lady’s hand would make it kind of awkward if the lady isn’t comfortable shaking the person’s hand. On one hand, it might feel kind of rude not to shake, on the other hand the lady might really not want to shake a guy stranger hand. A lady not shaking another lady stranger’s hand can be interpreted as being shy, while often the guy gets teased if the lady doesn’t shake his hand.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

3 minutes ago, iamonlyone said:

Somewhere along the way I was taught (don't even remember by whom) that if a woman wants to shake a man's hand, she initiates the handshake. I do notice that if I don't want to shake hands, a man usually doesn't put his hand out.

Ah, here we go, I guess it's not just something I made up: http://www.littlethingsmatter.com/blog/2010/01/28/handshakes-really-do-matter/

 

Yup, I was taught the same thing.  Perhaps it's regional, but many men consider it too forward to touch a woman without her initiating the contact.  They wait for her to hold out her hand (for a handshake, or maybe a kiss?), or reach out for a hug, or lean in for a kiss near the cheek, or just wave, nod, or bow, or whatever.  It's up to her.

[Selkie]

I'm in the midwest in a male-dominated business (construction) and shake men's hands all the time. Never noticed any of the weirdness you've experienced.

[Aura]

7 minutes ago, iamonlyone said:

Somewhere along the way I was taught (don't even remember by whom) that if a woman wants to shake a man's hand, she initiates the handshake. I do notice that if I don't want to shake hands, a man usually doesn't put his hand out.

Ah, here we go, I guess it's not just something I made up: http://www.littlethingsmatter.com/blog/2010/01/28/handshakes-really-do-matter/

I was taught this as well. I do notice that around here, in the deep south, a lot of men will not initiate a handshake first, so I often just go ahead and offer. I think it might be a tradition that's fading, cause I often meet men who have no problems initiating a handshake as well. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

Yes, men shake my hand. And yes, proper etiquette says that I proffer my hand first. But sometimes men proffer their hand first. 

[Dynamite5]

53 minutes ago, Spryte said:

 I get the weak, limp wrist handshake [shudder].

 

Total aside, but {shudder} is right. If this is what you are going to offer me, please just decline. 

[FairProspects]

Of course. Why wouldn't they?

[SKL]

Men will shake my hand as readily as women will.

I don't like shaking hands.  But I guess it's better than hugging and kissing customs, LOL.

[SKL]

I was assuming you're talking about cultural American men.  There are other cultures represented in the USA which do not believe in men shaking hands with women.  Some of them will do it anyway because "when in Rome."  Others will not.

[marbel]

I do recall the old etiquette guideline that a man waits till a woman offers her hand.  I do shake hands with men, but really haven't thought about who offers first till this thread came up.  I know I do offer my hand sometimes when I meet someone new.  One of my coworkers, a guy young enough to be my son (maybe even grandson?), always stops by my desk when he comes in and offers a handshake.  :-) 

[stephanier.1765]

Florida here and yes they do. I' m the one who'd rather not. I find it uncomfortable/awkward but yes, each time I'm introduced to a man he puts out his hand. The only women who initiate handshaking are professionals, ie doctors.

Part of me wonders if it's an age thing vs a part of the country thing. Now that I'm older (53), I've noticed an increase in the automatic respect offered to me.

[Chris in VA]

I offer my hand as I was taught (women initiate, as said upthread). As a preschool teacher, I greeted my kids at the door as they came into the classroom, offering a handshake. It's part of "grace and courtesy" lessons, ala Montessori. Some of them really internalized that--parents commented that their kids were seen as really polite in other social situations. (American, Virginia)

[JumpyTheFrog]

1 hour ago, SKL said:

I was assuming you're talking about cultural American men.  There are other cultures represented in the USA which do not believe in men shaking hands with women.  

 

Yes, I am talking about men raised in the US. I play soccer, which attracts many men from other countries. Interestingly, sometimes the foreign men seem more likely to to shake my hand than the natives. The immigrants are mostly from Central and South America or Western Europe.

[elegantlion]

It's generally never been an issue for me. I'm not married, so when meeting people casually, it's just me. I can't remember it really being an issue when I was married. 

 

 

[extendedforecast]

2 hours ago, Spryte said:

We moved recently and I’ve found that to be the case in our new location.  And if I do get a handshake, usually because I’ve stuck my hand out, I get the weak, limp wrist handshake [shudder].

I’ve also found that contractors etc respond quite differently to me than they do to DH here.  

It’s irritating as heck.

ETA: We didn’t move far, but moved to a more southern area, not Deep South, but definitely a different culture from our former location an hour away. Much more conservative, though still on the fringes of our metro area.  I don’t necessarily mean conservative in the political sense, but more in the type of taste people have in homes and clothes and cars.

I was going to say the exact same thing down to the limp shake. I wonder if it’s a regional thing - we are in the Houston area.

Edited September 14, 2018 by extendedforecast

[poppy]

I'm in New England  and no not an issue here. Professionally, I'd be annoyed  if a man offered to shake my coworker's hand and not mine- I'm already weirded out by men's elevator behavior.

I do remember reading women must offer, but, in those kind of antiquated books that say it's appropriate to address women by her husband's name.

[regentrude]

Men shake my hand. I am in a  male dominated field.

[marbel]

1 minute ago, poppy said:

I'm in New England  and no not an issue here. Professionally, I'd be annoyed  if a man offered to shake my coworker's hand and not mine- I'm already weirded out by men's elevator behavior.

I do remember reading women must offer, but, in those kind of antiquated books that say it's appropriate to address women by her husband's name.

OK, what's the weird elevator behavior?  :-)

Re the antiquated book - sure, I can see that, but a lot of people have internalized those "lessons" and have passed them on to their kids; I think some stick and some don't. I'd guess that a woman having her own name instead of her husband's is a more visible thing than who is initiating a handshake, kwim?  

[DawnM]

Huh, I have never had someone not shake my hand if I stuck out my hand, male or female.

[Bootsie]

Over thirty years ago, when I began working in a male dominated field, I got in the habit of extending my hand for a firm hand shake in case a male was not sure if he was supposed to shake my hand or not.  I also tried to do it in a way that would minimize the limp hand-hold "shake".  It has been a number of years since I have had a situation in which I wondered if a man would shake my hand, but I probably initiate a handshake by habit more than I realize.

[Nemom]

I'm in the Midwest.  Men will shake my hand if I extend it first.  They generally do not make the effort first. 

Like others have said, there is nothing worse than a wimpy handshake.  Thumb to thumb contact and firm grip. 

 

[AmandaVT]

4 hours ago, poppy said:

I'm in New England  and no not an issue here. Professionally, I'd be annoyed  if a man offered to shake my coworker's hand and not mine- I'm already weirded out by men's elevator behavior.

I do remember reading women must offer, but, in those kind of antiquated books that say it's appropriate to address women by her husband's name.

 

Me too and me too. ?

[Liz CA]

4 hours ago, marbel said:

OK, what's the weird elevator behavior?  :-)

Re the antiquated book - sure, I can see that, but a lot of people have internalized those "lessons" and have passed them on to their kids; I think some stick and some don't. I'd guess that a woman having her own name instead of her husband's is a more visible thing than who is initiating a handshake, kwim?  

 

I want to know about New England elevator behavior as well...? :)

[Xahm]

I was taught in Atlanta in the nineties that in social situations, a man should not initiate a handshake, but in a professional setting, men and women should be treated the same. People around here seem to follow that. In Russia, I think I shook one man's hand in two years, and he seemed very surprised by it, though he responded politely. That was kind of nice, really. Men had to remove gloves to shake hands, and had to shake at the beginning and end of every encounter, so that could make chance meetings in the street very unpleasant in the depths of winter.

[SereneHome]

Hmmm, never thought about it. 

I am in New England.  Just last week I was at a soccer practice with my kid and one of the guys I talked to for the entire time shook my hand when we finally introduced ourselves. 

Very often I introduce myself first and I think I extend my hand first as well.  I didn't know it was proper etiquette, but I think it makes sense and I guess came naturally?  Hmmmm, interesting thread

 

[Garga]

I’ve never been in a situation where I’ve extended my hand for a shake and a man refuses to shake it, but I don’t think that’s what the OP is referring to.

But then again, I don’t think I’ve ever extended my hand first for a hand shake.  I don’t really like them.   To me, they’re just a way to transfer germs and after a handshake it’s in the back of my mind for the next 5 or 10 minutes that I really don’t want to put my hand near my face in case there are germs on it.  

I’d prefer that we all nod at each other

I also have read in etiquette books that officially men are supposed to wait for women to initiate the handshake, but I think that applies to social situations and not business.  In business situations, men often extend hands to me (the finance guy, a doctor, etc.). At church, it’s about 50/50 for men extending their hands first or not.  Some men will extend their hand and I’ll shake.  Some will hesitate, and if I don’t extend my hand, they’ll just nod.  I am not sure if they do it that way because they’ve been taught the etiquette not to...or if they’re like me and don’t actually want to shake hands because of germs.

Edited September 15, 2018 by Garga

[Teaching3bears]

I like the sentiment of the gesture but whenever anyone shakes my hand I automatically think of the germs they could be giving me. Then I make a note to self to wash my handsaws soon as I can without being obvious. I have even avoided shaking hands during cold and flu season. Otherwise, I have not noticed people not shaking my hand because I'm female. I have been out of the workforce for a long time.

[Guest]

That’s so weird to me. I’ve never thought for a moment about shaking a man’s hand or him shaking mine or who should offer first. I didn’t even know there were guidelines anywhere in modern, Western society about gender and hand shaking. 

I remember learning the Dale Carnegie “firm handshake, eye contact” concept when I was still a teenager and since there was always a lot of handshaking at church, I “practiced” that type of confident handshake even then. 

[maize]

Yes, men extend their hands for a shake here. I think this varies regionally though.

[klmama]

Can we go back to the weird elevator behavior?  I'm very curious....  

[TechWife]

20 hours ago, Suzanne in ABQ said:

 

Yup, I was taught the same thing.  Perhaps it's regional, but many men consider it too forward to touch a woman without her initiating the contact.  They wait for her to hold out her hand (for a handshake, or maybe a kiss?), or reach out for a hug, or lean in for a kiss near the cheek, or just wave, nod, or bow, or whatever.  It's up to her.

I was as well. 

[Mimm]

21 hours ago, Spryte said:

We moved recently and I’ve found that to be the case in our new location.  And if I do get a handshake, usually because I’ve stuck my hand out, I get the weak, limp wrist handshake [shudder].

I’ve also found that contractors etc respond quite differently to me than they do to DH here.  

It’s irritating as heck.

ETA: We didn’t move far, but moved to a more southern area, not Deep South, but definitely a different culture from our former location an hour away. Much more conservative, though still on the fringes of our metro area.  I don’t necessarily mean conservative in the political sense, but more in the type of taste people have in homes and clothes and cars.

I've noticed this too. My brother happened to be visiting when we got our AC replaced and they directed all their information to him, ignoring me, even after he said, "I don't live here. It's her AC." I was pretty annoyed.

[J-rap]

That sometimes happen here.  But I find that when I take initiative and stick my hand out, they seem glad to shake my hand.  Meaning, I think they sometimes hesitate/feel awkward about it because they're not sure if it's okay, but then are relieved to find out it is.  

This is midwestern farm country.

(Also, I prefer handshakes to hugs, with anyone except my family!)

[Spryte]

24 minutes ago, Mimm said:

I've noticed this too. My brother happened to be visiting when we got our AC replaced and they directed all their information to him, ignoring me, even after he said, "I don't live here. It's her AC." I was pretty annoyed.

 

Just reading that made me annoyed for you!

Maybe this needs it’s one thread.  

I have never experienced this type of behavior till moving to our current area (and I have moved something like 38 times and lived all over the place). And it’s not an isolated thing here, it’s every darn contractor we’ve hired.  Except one, I love him, and he clearly has a different cultural background.  He’s my favorite.

[Lady Florida.]

23 hours ago, JumpyTheFrog said:

I find that often men won't stick their hand out to shake mine, even if they automatically stick it out to shake my husband's. Does this happen often to you?

That seems odd to me. I've never, in recent years, had a man not shake my hand or hesitate to do so, whether or not my husband is also there. I'm not questioning that it happens to you, just saying it's weird. 

Edited September 15, 2018 by Lady Florida.

[Lady Florida.]

22 hours ago, iamonlyone said:

Somewhere along the way I was taught (don't even remember by whom) that if a woman wants to shake a man's hand, she initiates the handshake. I do notice that if I don't want to shake hands, a man usually doesn't put his hand out.

Ah, here we go, I guess it's not just something I made up: http://www.littlethingsmatter.com/blog/2010/01/28/handshakes-really-do-matter/

Because I'm ancient, I remember a time when men and women didn't shake hands or actually it was a very rare thing. Shaking hands was a manly man thing. I also remember when it started to become more normal for men and women to shake hands, and the link above explains how it was handled. A man was supposed to wait for the woman to initiate the handshake. However, it's freakin' 2018 and that etiquette just seems really outdated to me. Just shake hands already and stop waiting for the delicate female flower to let you know it's okay. JMO but it annoys me.

Edited September 15, 2018 by Lady Florida.

[marbel]

3 hours ago, Lady Florida. said:

Because I'm ancient, I remember a time when men and women didn't shake hands or actually it was a very rare thing. Shaking hands was a manly man thing. I also remember when it started to become more normal for men and women to shake hands, and the link above explains how it was handled. A man was supposed to wait for the woman to initiate the handshake. However, it's freakin' 2018 and that etiquette just seems really outdated to me. Just shake hands already and stop waiting for the delicate female flower to let you know it's okay. JMO but it annoys me.

I agree with you, but on the other hand, I can see a man wondering - is it OK for me to reach out to shake her hand?  Is that an aggressive move?  Unwanted attempt at touch?   I just think that male/female interactions, particularly when people don't know each other, are not always easy.  And of course, the woman can always ignore the proffered hand but how awkward is that?

I'm sure some of you will say I'm being ridiculous, but I can imagine it going through a man's mind. If my husband was home I would ask him. 

Edited September 15, 2018 by marbel

[SamanthaCarter]

On 9/14/2018 at 1:38 PM, alisoncooks said:

I don't know. I think I preemptively stick out my hand before it's a question.

This. 

[easypeasy]

On 9/14/2018 at 12:21 PM, JumpyTheFrog said:

I find that often men won't stick their hand out to shake mine, even if they automatically stick it out to shake my husband's. Does this happen often to you?

 

Frequently. I've been head-patted, side-hugged, air-kissed, and waved-at far more frequently. From total strangers, it really is the oddest thing.

I have, at times, put my hand out in advance and it's been ignored. ? It's sort of to the point where I just ignore the introduction when dh is there and saunter in mid-conversation and act like I already know everyone.

When dh is NOT there, I get a hand shake if I put my hand out first. I don't know if they would willingly shake my hand upon introduction without my putting the hand out first, though. I just stick the hand out to possibly avoid the head-pat, side-hug, etc. lol

[LucyStoner]

I live in Seattle.  I am hard pressed to think of a time outside of maybe business/conferences and political events where anyone is shaking anyone's hand.  We are a casual tribe as a general rule and my husband and I probably travel in what are very casual, even for Seattle, circles.  

Edited September 16, 2018 by LucyStoner

[LucyStoner]

2 hours ago, easypeasy said:

 

Frequently. I've been head-patted, side-hugged, air-kissed, and waved-at far more frequently. From total strangers, it really is the oddest thing.

 

 

I can't even imagine someone patting me on the head as a form of greeting. I'd have to resist the urge to smack them.  

Edited September 16, 2018 by LucyStoner

[LucyStoner]

Thinking about it, the last two times I have shaken someone's hand was when:

1. I was meeting with an auditor who wanted my business.  He initiated the handshake.  

2.  A political candidate seeking my endorsement came to my door.  I initiated the handshake, thanked him for coming and let him know I was committed to his opponent.  The handshake was sort of a way to move him along congenially.  I dunno. It was for an appointment to a vacant seat so people were visiting the precinct officers who get to make the recommendations early and often.  

That's it.  For over a year.  And I have signed many new clients in the last 6 months and that seems like a situation most people would shake hands.  But not here.  Or maybe it's just me.  ?

I have never in my memory been in a situation where people shook my husband's hand but not mine.  

[Rosie_0801]

The only man who regularly initiates handshakes with me is a young Italian guy. He is a very versatile handshaker. They range from the normal "Hi, nice to meet you" to "I'm in a generally pleasant mood with the universe today, and I'm going to shake your hand about it because you're here."

If it seems appropriate, I'll offer to shake hands with any guy who doesn't seem probably Muslim.