What would you make of this wedding invitation?

[Janie Grace]

We lived in a certain place for a year and a half. During that time, we got to know a family at church who had two young adult daughters who were very sweet. They baby-sat for us some and we were quite friendly with the whole family (got together a handful of times). We moved about an hour away and didn't stay in touch. It has been almost 8 years since we moved.

We just received an invitation to the oldest daughter's wedding. This is so strange to me. We have only heard about the relationship through the grapevine and social media. Like I said, we have not had ANY personal contact since moving. It is hard for me not to think they don't expect us to come (and want a gift) but then I'm appalled at myself for thinking this. So please help me... why were we invited? Would you invite someone to your or your child's wedding that you had known such a short time and then not made any effort to keep contact with? I'm a bit baffled. 

[Shoeless]

They might be feeling sentimental about the time you spent together and wanted you to share in the day.  I would look at it as an opportunity to reconnect rather than a gift grab. 

[Carol in Cal.]

You never know with kids and young adults who they will remember as important to them.

 

[bolt.]

6 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

You never know with kids and young adults who they will remember as important to them.

 

Yes, this.

And maybe it’s about your kids? Babysitters sometimes just really adore the little kids that they spend time with. It can be a significant thing to bond with a child — or, as a teen, to think of what happens during babysitting as a bonding experience.

Maybe, also, they aren’t that social, but they have a ‘side’ to fill out, and 8 years doesn’t seem very long to them. You may still feel like their inner circle, even if they are bad at staying in touch, if they haven’t made new friends.

[Catwoman]

I’ll be the lone dissenter.

I’m voting “gift grab.”

[catz]

I wouldn’t assume the worst, but if it’s not your cuppa I think it is completely fine to decline and send your regrets.  A wedding invitation is not a summons.  

[KidsHappen]

Do you know how much it cost the couple to add a party to the wedding in meals, drinks, party favors, etc.? Those things are not cheap. I would say that in most cases it is more than they could hope to receive in a gift return. Of course it will still cost you in travel, dress, lodgings, etc. so if you don't really feel that close simply send your regrets. In any case, call it a draw in your mind.

Edited September 8, 2018 by KidsHappen

[Kareni]

If you don't wish to attend, I suggest you send a card with some heartfelt good wishes.

Regards,
Kareni

[happi duck]

I think some people are wired that way.

I know people who would not think twice about getting in touch and even asking a big favor of someone they once sort of knew. People that *I* would catagorize as barely an aquaintance.

I would guess that you rank as a part of their lives.

[mom@shiloh]

We had that same situation and I was hesitant to go to the wedding since we had to travel at least five hours and stay in a hotel.  We went, and our old friends were so appreciative that we made the effort.  It turns out that it was very important to them to include people who had been part of their dd's earlier years.  I say, if they made the effort to invite you, it was for a reason, and you should take it as a compliment and attempt to go. 

[RootAnn]

Maybe that was their way of letting you know about their DD's next step in life, keeping you up to date. I am not voting for gift grab.

(My view may be skewed since we are looking at who to send announcements to for DD' s high school graduation. It is hard for people in this community to know what is going on with homeschoolers if they don't receive an annoucement. Several think DD has already graduated since she attends the local college (as a Dual Enrollment student). We are seeing on the side of sending out too many, hoping people will not feel obligated to give a gift. We just want them to know and celebrate dd's launch from the nest.)

Edited September 8, 2018 by RootAnn
Added end parenthesis.

[SamanthaCarter]

12 hours ago, Catwoman said:

I’ll be the lone dissenter.

I’m voting “gift grab.”

It does happen.

When I was a young staff CPA at a firm, one of my coworkers got engaged and subsequently married. I was appalled at her behavior. She kept a running total of the gifts she had received, and bragged about the particularly impressive ones.  Her dad was a bit of a socialite/big wig in a Southern small town, so I’m sure that factored into it. 

[Crimson Wife]

Could be a very large wedding and depending on how far advanced notice you received for the event, you could be on the "B" list. I know we had a list of people that we were considering inviting depending on response from guests on the "A" list.

[mom@shiloh]

20 hours ago, SamanthaCarter said:

It does happen.

When I was a young staff CPA at a firm, one of my coworkers got engaged and subsequently married. I was appalled at her behavior. She kept a running total of the gifts she had received, and bragged about the particularly impressive ones.  Her dad was a bit of a socialite/big wig in a Southern small town, so I’m sure that factored into it. 

Side-tracking -- my ds graduated from high school in May.  He absolutely refused to total up his gifts. I asked him if he knew how much he had received out of curiosity while he was writing thank-you notes and he said he wouldn't do it. I was impressed.  Ok -- back to the subject.

[Kanin]

Hmm. I don't think I'd invite anyone to a wedding if I hadn't talked to them in 8 years. I don't think it's suspicious or anything, but I probably wouldn't go unless I could drive there and back in a day. Being a wedding guest can be so expensive! If you don't want to go, you could just send a congratulations card. 

[gardenmom5]

it could be any one of several reasons, some are perfectly innocent - others more self-serving.

they could have had more unused invitations, and wanted to use them

it could be a gift grab (I know one woman who sent a wedding invitation to her  sil's GRANDPARENTS -  she'd met them once at her brother's wedding. or maybe twice.  it seemed she sent one to practically anyone she had met.)

they could have fond memories of you/your children, and want to include you. - whether you're able to come or not, or even able to send a card or not.

or even another reason of which I haven't given thought.

how YOU take it is the most important.

I will say ..  life is more pleasant when we give people the benefit of the doubt that their motives aren't as nefarious as some would suppose.

my son received an invitation from a childhood playmate.   they had moved seven (or eight) hours away, but sent a wedding invitation anyway.   ds wanted to go - so we left dh at home with dudeling, and the rest of us took off.  it was a fabulous (and fun) reunion - and they had never expected us to actually show up.  (they offered to let us sleep at their house that night, but I'd made hotel reservations and it was too late to cancel.  besides, we'd had a flat tire I had to get repaired before we could leave town.)

Edited September 9, 2018 by gardenmom5

[katilac]

Sometimes small things affect people and stay in their memory. Your family may have made an impression on her as a young adult as something she would like to have for herself one day. If so, it wouldn't be unusual that you would come to mind while planning her wedding. 

I prefer to assume the best and don't see any reason here to assume the worst. You don't have to go, and you don't have to send a gift, but congratulations and best wishes would be nice! If you feel funny about sending a card with no money, just send back the RSVP and then congratulate her on social media, maybe with a cute photo of her and the kids back in the day. 

[Ellie]

On 9/7/2018 at 7:17 PM, Janie Grace said:

We lived in a certain place for a year and a half. During that time, we got to know a family at church who had two young adult daughters who were very sweet. They baby-sat for us some and we were quite friendly with the whole family (got together a handful of times). We moved about an hour away and didn't stay in touch. It has been almost 8 years since we moved.

We just received an invitation to the oldest daughter's wedding. This is so strange to me. We have only heard about the relationship through the grapevine and social media. Like I said, we have not had ANY personal contact since moving. It is hard for me not to think they don't expect us to come (and want a gift) but then I'm appalled at myself for thinking this. So please help me... why were we invited? Would you invite someone to your or your child's wedding that you had known such a short time and then not made any effort to keep contact with? I'm a bit baffled. 

I would say, "Oh, how nice! Soandso is getting married! Darn...I can't go. I better RSVP right away."

And that's all I'd make of it. :-)

[Guest]

I would simply decline and think of it no further. 

I did invite some people to my wedding that, in retrospect, don’t seem that sensible and it definitely wasn’t a gift grab. I remember one family I knew, who were not very connected to my life; they didn’t even know my parents or husband’s family. I just admired the lady a lot and assumed that if I invited her, her family was invited as well. In retrospect, there were other people who would have made more sense, but it was easier to invite one “unconnected” family than to invite one connected family, which would lead to a cascade of other families who should be invited. 

[Janie Grace]

Thanks, all. I honestly didn't know if was acceptable to send a card without a check/gift. I felt like my only polite options were to go (and bring a nice gift) or not go (and send a nice gift), so that's why I was stymied. If it's a general rule that you don't have to send a gift, I'm fine to believe the best and move on. I have been misunderstanding this for so many years!!!

[Guest]

2 minutes ago, Janie Grace said:

Thanks, all. I honestly didn't know if was acceptable to send a card without a check/gift. I felt like my only polite options were to go (and bring a nice gift) or not go (and send a nice gift), so that's why I was stymied. If it's a general rule that you don't have to send a gift, I'm fine to believe the best and move on. I have been misunderstanding this for so many years!!!

I do think this is one of those cases where it depends on who you ask and some of it depends on social class. 

I personally do not send gifts when I don’t have a current connection. But I do know some people who think that’s gauche. But I guess I think, “Well, someone I haven’t talked to in eight years thinks I’m gauche. Oh, darn.” 

[gardenmom5]

9 minutes ago, Janie Grace said:

Thanks, all. I honestly didn't know if was acceptable to send a card without a check/gift. I felt like my only polite options were to go (and bring a nice gift) or not go (and send a nice gift), so that's why I was stymied. If it's a general rule that you don't have to send a gift, I'm fine to believe the best and move on. I have been misunderstanding this for so many years!!!

gifts are optional.  

only for birthday parties or showers are they required - because they are part of the "entertainment".

 

eta: I grew up with a grandmother who was very much of the 'gift grab' mentality.  but she was avaricious in all facets of her life.

Edited September 9, 2018 by gardenmom5

[Xahm]

My husband and I met in the church nursery as babies. There were only two other kids or age in the church at the time. Though we hadn't been close to either in years, we sent then invitations. We didn't hear back, and that was fine. I was terrified that they would just send a present, and that wasn't at all what I wanted. I just figured that a little reunion would be fun, if it worked out. One of their families was in attendance, anyway, as we had stayed in contact with the grandparents. 

[marbel]

31 minutes ago, Janie Grace said:

Thanks, all. I honestly didn't know if was acceptable to send a card without a check/gift. I felt like my only polite options were to go (and bring a nice gift) or not go (and send a nice gift), so that's why I was stymied. If it's a general rule that you don't have to send a gift, I'm fine to believe the best and move on. I have been misunderstanding this for so many years!!!

A gift is really never required.  It's not even required for wedding guests, though I would never attend a wedding if I wasn't prepared to send a gift.  But definitely not required if you don't attend!  A 'best wishes' card is fine.

As for what I would make of it, I'm with Ellie.  I'd think it was nice to have the news, would respond to the invitation with a no, maybe send a nice note or even just include a few lines on the response card or whatever, and promptly forget about it.  

[rjand6more]

I would be elated that they remembered my family so fondly and asked us to attend their most special day.  Since you knew them and thought highly of them then, it is likely that they are still those sweet people you were friends with.

When my ds graduated, I sent announcements and invitations to all the people who shaped his life, including folks we hadn't seen in a long time.  Definitely not a "gift grab". It was a celebration with friends and family.  We had no checklist of people who gave and didn't.  That day was eye opening to ds. We homeschooled and have a small circle of people we know.  So many came.  He was overwhelmed by the congratulations cards.  He did not even care which ones came with a gift.  It was so sweet to see him so loved.

I don't feel obligated to send a gift to weddings I am invited to.  A card with a letter would be fine.

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

I can remember a friend of mine planning her wedding (I was suggesting she include items on her registry that were in the $20-30 range rather than just high priced things), telling me it was customary for guests to estimate the cost to the bride/groom of their participation in the wedding, and then make sure to buy a gift worth at least that much.  So in other words, if the bride/groom are paying about $100/head, then a couple would need to purchase a $200 gift.  !!!  I was floored that somehow, someone had come up with this "rule of thumb".  The insanity surrounding weddings is REAL.  Some people are totally nuts.  

I think sending a handwritten note with no gift is the best response.  I'm guessing they have fond memories of you and were sending the invitation more in the place of an announcement than anything else.  

 

[Arctic Bunny]

I think if you can find a picture to include in the card, that would be even more special than a cheque or gift card!

[Ellie]

2 hours ago, Janie Grace said:

Thanks, all. I honestly didn't know if was acceptable to send a card without a check/gift. I felt like my only polite options were to go (and bring a nice gift) or not go (and send a nice gift), so that's why I was stymied. If it's a general rule that you don't have to send a gift, I'm fine to believe the best and move on. I have been misunderstanding this for so many years!!!

An invitation does not require a gift. It only requires an RSVP. :-)

[HS Mom in NC]

 I'm guessing the mother of the bride or the bride is either the super nice person who can't imagine not inviting very human who has ever interacted with the bride, or the bride or mother of the bride was raised with the antiquated idea of weddings a payments for social debts and feels obligated to invite everyone who has extended a social or employment opportunity to anyone in her family.

I would just send a "congratulations on your wedding" card.

[Farrar]

I invited a couple of people that I'd put in this category to my wedding. It wasn't a huge affair. We didn't have a registry. It was absolutely not a gift grab. It was just as described above - a sentimental, hey, if you're able, we'd love to see you kind of a thing.

[gardenmom5]

4 hours ago, xahm said:

My husband and I met in the church nursery as babies. There were only two other kids or age in the church at the time. Though we hadn't been close to either in years, we sent then invitations. We didn't hear back, and that was fine. I was terrified that they would just send a present, and that wasn't at all what I wanted. I just figured that a little reunion would be fun, if it worked out. One of their families was in attendance, anyway, as we had stayed in contact with the grandparents. 

dsil's father has cousins in this area.  dh is long-time friends with one, and a more than passing acquaintance with the other.   I suggested inviting the "more than passing acquaintance" as I thought it would be a fun surprise opportunity for the three first-cousins to catch up.  (actually - it was the widow of one cousin).   the long-time friend was aghast - oh, she'll think it's a gift grab. . . . um, never even crossed my mind.

 

3 hours ago, Monica_in_Switzerland said:

I can remember a friend of mine planning her wedding (I was suggesting she include items on her registry that were in the $20-30 range rather than just high priced things), telling me it was customary for guests to estimate the cost to the bride/groom of their participation in the wedding, and then make sure to buy a gift worth at least that much.  So in other words, if the bride/groom are paying about $100/head, then a couple would need to purchase a $200 gift.  !!!  I was floored that somehow, someone had come up with this "rule of thumb".  The insanity surrounding weddings is REAL.  Some people are totally nuts.  

I think sending a handwritten note with no gift is the best response.  I'm guessing they have fond memories of you and were sending the invitation more in the place of an announcement than anything else.  

 

wow - so you know the bridzilla that sent bills to her wedding guests for NOT spending enough money on a gift!  wow - who knew?   ?

and I'd also go with B.

[Guest]

4 hours ago, Monica_in_Switzerland said:

I can remember a friend of mine planning her wedding (I was suggesting she include items on her registry that were in the $20-30 range rather than just high priced things), telling me it was customary for guests to estimate the cost to the bride/groom of their participation in the wedding, and then make sure to buy a gift worth at least that much.  So in other words, if the bride/groom are paying about $100/head, then a couple would need to purchase a $200 gift.  !!!  I was floored that somehow, someone had come up with this "rule of thumb".  The insanity surrounding weddings is REAL.  Some people are totally nuts.  

I think sending a handwritten note with no gift is the best response.  I'm guessing they have fond memories of you and were sending the invitation more in the place of an announcement than anything else.  

 

Yes, I know people who truly think this is the “rule.” My tacky SIL even said something about this when they were planning her kid’s wedding. It was some remark like, “Man, I can’t *believe* how expensive everything is! I sure am glad most people know to ‘cover their plate’ with the gift!” I’m sure she said this in my presence because I have said before I think that is elitist, pure nonsense. Except that I love my nephew, it would have been tempting to give them...oh, a scrubby sponge and dish soap set or something. 

I would be beyond horrified if someone ever felt they could not come to a wedding of my child because they couldn’t afford to give on par with the expense of the wedding. Eww. I hate elitism! 

[bolt.]

I can see the value of a ‘rule of thumb’ for gifts being within a certain general price range, based on a general idea of how lavish the occasion is. It can be very hard thing to guess. There are a lot of times I would have appreciated some guidance.

It is the essence of manners to set people at ease: so I’m not suggesting anything like having this “rule” as an actual “expectation” of one’s guests. Guests should always be made to feel welcome, and gifts should always be received with unconditional gratitude.

I just mean, as a guest, it’s nice to know a method to help guide my generosity towards a reasonable target in actual dollars. Otherwise I’m totally in the dark!

[Guest]

22 minutes ago, bolt. said:

I can see the value of a ‘rule of thumb’ for gifts being within a certain general price range, based on a general idea of how lavish the occasion is. It can be very hard thing to guess. There are a lot of times I would have appreciated some guidance.

It is the essence of manners to set people at ease: so I’m not suggesting anything like having this “rule” as an actual “expectation” of one’s guests. Guests should always be made to feel welcome, and gifts should always be received with unconditional gratitude.

I just mean, as a guest, it’s nice to know a method to help guide my generosity towards a reasonable target in actual dollars. Otherwise I’m totally in the dark!

I hear what you’re saying, but isn’t it something of a stab in the dark anyway? I do know a little about wedding costs at this time in my life, but how would, say, a 70-year-old aunt have any clue what “her plate” would cost to even begin to guess?

Also, this starts getting really weird between family members: what if niece A had a hoe-down wedding with a tent on her uncle’s ranch and her sister, niece B, got married a year later at a marina on the Bay? Should the first niece get a spice rack but the second niece, her sister, get a microwave oven? From the same aunt and uncle? I would certainly never do that! 

Anyway...

[marbel]

1 hour ago, bolt. said:

I can see the value of a ‘rule of thumb’ for gifts being within a certain general price range, based on a general idea of how lavish the occasion is. It can be very hard thing to guess. There are a lot of times I would have appreciated some guidance.

It is the essence of manners to set people at ease: so I’m not suggesting anything like having this “rule” as an actual “expectation” of one’s guests. Guests should always be made to feel welcome, and gifts should always be received with unconditional gratitude.

I just mean, as a guest, it’s nice to know a method to help guide my generosity towards a reasonable target in actual dollars. Otherwise I’m totally in the dark!

 

I have always used my relationship with the person and my own financial situation to guide my generosity. 

And, I've asked this before here... how would anyone know how much a particular wedding costs?  I can assume that the wedding held in the church building cost less than the one at the country club, at least in terms of the venue. But then there's the catering, alcohol (or not), music - live band, paid DJ, bride's little brother giving free DJ service?  I wouldn't even know about some of those things beforehand.  

Maybe I have been rude all of my adult life, but I have never tried ahead of time to judge the relative lavishness of a wedding and based my gift on that.  

[Crimson Wife]

3 hours ago, Quill said:

Yes, I know people who truly think this is the “rule.” My tacky SIL even said something about this when they were planning her kid’s wedding. It was some remark like, “Man, I can’t *believe* how expensive everything is! I sure am glad most people know to ‘cover their plate’ with the gift!” I’m sure she said this in my presence because I have said before I think that is elitist, pure nonsense. Except that I love my nephew, it would have been tempting to give them...oh, a scrubby sponge and dish soap set or something. 

I would be beyond horrified if someone ever felt they could not come to a wedding of my child because they couldn’t afford to give on par with the expense of the wedding. Eww. I hate elitism! 

I have a second cousin who tried to bad-mouth me to the rest of the family because I bought a bunch of small kitchen utensils/tools off her registry as that's what I could afford at the time being a broke 20something. Apparently even though she'd been the one to register for these items, those were "supposed" to be given at the bridal shower and for the wedding I was "supposed to cover my plate" by shelling out for one of the expensive china or crystal pieces she also had on the registry. Even if we'd been super-close there's no way I could've afforded to spend that much on her gift given our modest income at the time.

Fortunately the rest of the family sided with me over Bridezilla and her mom. The kicker is that the marriage I don't think even lasted 5 years.

[gardenmom5]

7 minutes ago, Crimson Wife said:

I have a second cousin who tried to bad-mouth me to the rest of the family because I bought a bunch of small kitchen utensils/tools off her registry as that's what I could afford at the time being a broke 20something. Apparently even though she'd been the one to register for these items, those were "supposed" to be given at the bridal shower and for the wedding I was "supposed to cover my plate" by shelling out for one of the expensive china or crystal pieces she also had on the registry. Even if we'd been super-close there's no way I could've afforded to spend that much on her gift given our modest income at the time.

Fortunately the rest of the family sided with me over Bridezilla and her mom. The kicker is that the marriage I don't think even lasted 5 years.

I'm shocked!  shocked I tell you.  that with such family values as her's, her marriage didn't last five years . . . .

 

I recall the Miss Manners letter she received from a grandma whose granddaughter was marrying, and wanted her to be her matron of honor.  grandma was saying how she was old, dumpy and overweight, and her granddaughter should get one of her young attractive friends to fill the role.

Miss Manners responded with: I think this is going to be an unusually happy marriage.

[J-rap]

I would not assume gift grabber at all.  You probably had some impact on her life, and she was excited to share her news with you.  If you don't want to go, you can send a nice card.

[Halftime Hope]

11 hours ago, Janie Grace said:

Thanks, all. I honestly didn't know if was acceptable to send a card without a check/gift. I felt like my only polite options were to go (and bring a nice gift) or not go (and send a nice gift), so that's why I was stymied. If it's a general rule that you don't have to send a gift, I'm fine to believe the best and move on. I have been misunderstanding this for so many years!!!

 

If you can make the time, it's a very nice gift to write them a heartfelt letter, remembering what was special about her relationship with your kids, how much the kids enjoyed xxxx about when she baby sat them, how grateful you were to have her providing wonderful care for them, etc.  That you've missed her and you wish them well and will be excited to hear about it when she becomes a parent some day, and so on.  If you have any snapshots of her, include a copy along with a recent family photo so she can see how your kids have grown, and finally, include an heirloom recipes or two for her recipe box, or perhaps a recipe or two that are kid favorites, that she might enjoy as she establishes her own home.  

Inexpensive, but very heartfelt and thoughtful -- the best kinds of gift.  

 

 

[PrairieSong]

I think it's a common thing for past friendships to mean more to one party than the other. Sometimes it's just a difference in personality. Some people move on easily while others tend to be more sentimental about past friendships. Neither is right or wrong, just different. 

Several years ago we received a wedding invitation and did not recognize the bride OR the groom, at first!! Then I realized that the bride and her family had been in our homeschool group probably 15 years before. Her brother is married to a young woman we know and they go to our church. That was our only connection. We had never been close to this family and had never socialized with them outside of homeschool potlucks years ago. So who knows what goes through people's minds when they are making wedding guest lists?

If you want to go, go. If not, send your regrets and a nice card. Sending money or a gift is totally up to you. 

 

 

[Zebra]

I remember doing this when I got married.   I was very young, and I had babysat the children in this family a LOT.   They mean A LOT to me because I had spent so much time with them.  I invited the family to my wedding, and they came.    And it seemed a little awkward when I saw them there.   It was a purely sentimental invite on my part.

In retrospect I realize that I didn't mean as much to those people as they meant to me.   KWIM?   I spent HOURS and HOURS with those kids, but not the parents.   They were obviously appreciative of my babysitting, but didn't think of me as more than an employee.   That doesn't make them bad or me sappy, it's just the nature of the babysitter relationship in most cases.

I think you have every right to simply RSVP no.   It would be nice if you sent even a short note along saying how happy you are for them or something like that, but you don't need to.  Depending on your financial situation a gift is always nice, but not necessary by any means.   And I certainly wouldn't feel obligated to attend if you don't have the same sentimental feelings for her.

 

[vonfirmath]

I don't think this is outside the realm of things.  When we were first married, and having our first child, we were in a bible study with 4 other couples. I don't write letters back and forth to them, but have two of them still on our Facebook. (And wish I could find a third -- we use a Noah's ark blanket they gave us and occasionally I just want them, to know how thankful we are.) We moved away 10 years ago and the last time I spoke (by Messenger) to one of the couples was when my daughter was born 7 years ago. (She had a baby right after and we commismerated about sleeping issues).   Evidently she still thinks about us fondly too because she messaged me out of the blue last week just to let me know they still have the table we gave them we when moved and it gets used by their family everyday and she was saying thank you for giving them this awesome table (which we just wanted to get rid of and not move states at the time!).

 

We were in Washington state to visit and went to the church pastored by the Pastor who married us (and dedicated our oldest son) even though we had not seen him in 10 years either. And they were Quite Happy to see us and we spent some time together with our respective families.  I can easily see inviting him and his family to our oldest child's wedding, in particular, even if he cannot come.

[El...]

I attended the wedding of my babysitter.  She had watched me when I was a toddler, is in photos from my third birthday, and taught me oil painting lessons when I  was nine. She got married about 8 years later. It was a  gorgeous wedding, and I'm glad my parents made time to attend, even though we hadn't really been close in between. 

[unsinkable]

On 9/9/2018 at 6:13 AM, mom@shiloh said:

Side-tracking -- my ds graduated from high school in May.  He absolutely refused to total up his gifts. I asked him if he knew how much he had received out of curiosity while he was writing thank-you notes and he said he wouldn't do it. I was impressed.  Ok -- back to the subject.

Super side track...I've mentioned it here before but my in-laws opened all our wedding cards and presents while DH and I were in our honeymoon. 

MIL opened the cards, took out the cash or check, wrote amount on back of card, and then totalled all the money. She then put the cards in order of amount and asked me, when we got back who each person was if she didn't know them.

It was horrible.

[gardenmom5]

12 minutes ago, unsinkable said:

Super side track...I've mentioned it here before but my in-laws opened all our wedding cards and presents while DH and I were in our honeymoon. 

MIL opened the cards, took out the cash or check, wrote amount on back of card, and then totalled all the money. She then put the cards in order of amount and asked me, when we got back who each person was if she didn't know them.

It was horrible.

she sounds like such a charming person . . .  /

I'm so sorry.   that's awful.

although, as I think about it, at least she left you keep the money. . . . I've known/heard of some who would have taken it themselves.

Edited September 10, 2018 by gardenmom5

[TechWife]

I think that this means they saw you as a valuable part of their lives and they want to share their special day with you. It's an honor.

Two of my former co-op students married each other this weekend. While I didn't receive an invitation to their wedding, and truthfully didn't expect one, I would have gladly gone had I been invited. As it is, I am rejoicing with them and their future together. They dated for about five years, starting in high school, IIRC. I think they are pretty amazing young people and I will be sending them a congratulatory card this week.

[unsinkable]

23 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

she sounds like such a charming person . . .  /

I'm so sorry.   that's awful.

although, as I think about it, at least she left you keep the money. . . . I've known/heard of some who would have taken it themselves.

Hahahaa! You made my morning with the "she let you keep the money" part!

so true!

I'm sure she never read the books Boundaries.

[WendyLady]

We are a military family and move frequently. Over the years we have met people that we have just loved.  I'm not great at keeping in touch, but I do have fond memories of families from across the country.  When my dd married last summer, I remember sitting outside crying about the fact that I had not been able to provide her with the traditional community of friends and family surrounding her to celebrate her special day.  We had moved recently and I felt horrible that I didn't have a warm circle of friends to surround her (and me) with mom advice and gifts for her...

We sent wedding announcements to old and new friends as a way to celebrate our joy - no gifts required!!  I hope that those who received those cards thought "how wonderful" and not "money grabber!"

Congrats to your young friend!  It's sweet that they remember your family.  I don't think any kind of gift or card are required.

[Ellie]

On 9/9/2018 at 6:00 PM, bolt. said:

I can see the value of a ‘rule of thumb’ for gifts being within a certain general price range, based on a general idea of how lavish the occasion is. It can be very hard thing to guess. There are a lot of times I would have appreciated some guidance.

It is the essence of manners to set people at ease: so I’m not suggesting anything like having this “rule” as an actual “expectation” of one’s guests. Guests should always be made to feel welcome, and gifts should always be received with unconditional gratitude.

I just mean, as a guest, it’s nice to know a method to help guide my generosity towards a reasonable target in actual dollars. Otherwise I’m totally in the dark!

I disagree on all counts. Sorry.

There is absolutely no rule of thumb for how much to spend on gifts.

The essence manners is not always to set people at ease. It is to know how to behave properly, and sometimes, behaving properly causes someone else to feel badly because *he* behaved rudely.

The method that should guide your generosity is to know what your budget is. The happy couple will be thrilled with any gift (and if they are not, that is their problem).