Menu
Jump to content

What's with the ads?

Lang Syne Boardie

New grand baby etiquette Q

Recommended Posts

6 hours ago, prairiewindmomma said:

This is common where I am from (Midwest) as both sets of grandparents are often waiting at the hospital. It is to keep PITA MILs from rushing the room while new mom is delicately recovering, iykwim. 

In the other thread, I am guessing it was the other grandma apologizing for the fact that she is aghast that new mom is keeping her own mother at arm’s length. 

 

I read the other thread the OP referenced.

In it, the hiver was sad because her own daughter didn’t tell her when she could see her new grandbaby.  She ended up seeing pictures of the new baby with the other grandmother (her daughter’s MIL). She wrote something along the lines of the other grandmother (the MIL) told the new mom that she should have let her own mother see the baby first, not the MIL, and that it was “tradition.”  I don’t think it was tradition at all.  I think the MIL just said that because she thought the new mom wasn’t being nice to her mother (the hiver) and had dropped the ball in letting her mother meet her grandbaby.  I think the MIL was trying to get the new mom to call her own mom and say, “Hey, come on over and meet your grandbaby!”  

The MIL was trying to do a solid for the other grandmother.

 

So, OP, I wouldn’t worry about this at all.  I think it was mostly made up by one grandma trying to have the back of another grandma in a particular circumstance.

  • Like 7

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm the grandma mentioned in the other thread.  We have worked very hard to accommodate the needs and wants of dd and her hubby over the last few years that they have been a couple and later a married couple.  We had her wedding in his home state, far too far for most of our friends and family to come, because his grandma couldn't travel.  It was a no-brainer, something we were glad to do, since she is the one living grandmother.  We are doing it again at Christmas, arranging our vacation around them, their dog, and the baby.  Likewise, they have invested a significant amount of time and money traveling to see us--a four hour flight or a four day drive--and we are grateful. 

A lot of the drama comes because she has a hard time with self-awareness and expressing what she wants or needs, which makes every time we go to plan something a huge ordeal.  We're hoping that she will grow and be able to talk with us adult to adult more readily.

It may be a regional thing, but my forebears and her husband's came from the same region of the country.  I had never thought of "which mother came first" as a hard and fast rule, because people are different and many times dynamics in a family are not all peachy keen.  I think it's probably just the expectation that, all things being equal, daughters are often closer to their mothers than to their mothers-in-law since they've known and loved each other longer.  It's not that the MIL is a second class citizen, and I truly hope that as she gets to know her MIL, they'll have a wonderful relationship, like I had with mine, and my mom had with hers.  I've gone out of my way to be a good, kind, generous daughter-in-law, and in the last two years now that I have a SIL and DIL, a loving, accepting, affirming mother-in-law.

In general, she and I have a good relationship, and there is nothing in our relationships that would make us or his parents unwanted or kept away.  She asked me to come spend a week when her hubby goes back to work after 4-6 weeks paternity leave; she doesn't want to be alone with a high-maintenance dog and the baby.   I told her I'd love to help, but that I didn't think I could wait for 6 weeks to see them and Baby Girl.  I asked if I could I come out on Labor Day weekend, but she said that her girlfriends were going to come out for Labor Day, like they always do. I said OK, didn't give her a hard time, but when the girls fell through, she could have let me know so I could have come out on the four-day weekend.  And now, I see that his parents are there...and I wish I were there so badly that it just stung.  

 

 

 

Edited by Halftime Hope
  • Sad 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This sounds ridiculous to me.  I can see that if a mother daughter had a relationship such that she had mom at 5he birth,well that makes sense.   I had c sections but no way would I want my parents at the birth.  They were traveling when my first was born so inlaws saw him first.  When my younger was born, ds was with my parents so they saw dd first.  

I do think grandparents get to decide how involved they want to be.   I’ve always been grateful my grandparent involvement even though they aren’t the 100% doting grandparent 24/7 and they definitely have their own lives.   

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I totally sympathize with your desire to be there, especially knowing his parents are there. It’s ok to love your Dd and also be mad at how thoughtless she was to (a) put her girlfriends before you and then (b) not tell you when that fell through.  I have a kid like that. 

Hope you get to hold that beautiful grand very soon. 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Annie G said:

Yes, once you are done raising teens, you’ll probably get gushy about grands. My mom had My brother a year before she became a grandma and until my brother was raised she wasn’t much of a grandma.  My two oldest grands were born while I was still knee deep raising teens. But now that all my kids are adults, grand parenting is great fun. 

Having a year between raising kids and grandkids starting to arrive would be awesome! It’s hard to straddle parenting and grand parenting. They are two very different animals. 

I needed the gap with my own kids just to handle dudeling.  and I was still exhausted all. the. time.  but the boys live at home (full time college students - both talking masters - so three more years) and actually are a big help.  even though they don't have to do much, just to have the 'male' back up that is his generation has been huge.  dudeling was a full-time job.  and for a while I had my mother too - I couldn't have done a grandbaby then.

now he's entered his teens (and my mother has passed away) - in some ways he's easier (I get more sleep), in other ways harder.    now, I can.   I am refusing to buy a ticket until he's born.  she said she doesn't need me there immediately, so that should work.

2 hours ago, Margaret in CO said:

I've never heard of that "rule" but then, it wouldn't have applied in our situation. My mom had passed away many years before, and I put off seeing mil as long as possible. She stood outside the door, after dd #2, screeching like a fishwife, demanding to know what I'd had, so she could go see her "real" grandchildren! Her words. I told the nurses that if they gave out that information, I'd sue. Not a happy time. She didn't even care about the rest of the kids, other than demanding that I name ds for her dh, then my father, and in the "correct" order, so as to honor HER side of the family. We declined, so she was a witch to him for forever. I "won", having had more kids than she did. She never forgave me for that. 

I am so sorry.  that's is just horrific.  the nurses should have escorted her out of the dept so you didn't have to listen to her.

1 hour ago, fairfarmhand said:

Ita! I fear though that since there’s 10 years between oldest and youngest that I’ll drop some balls constantly. Either I won’t be up for being the wonderful grandma they want for the Older bunch or I’ll have used up all my enthusiasm for grands by the time my younger set has theirs. When my oldest has kids I’ll likely be knee deep in teens still!

10 years isn't much of a gap.  mine is 22 years.  I'm just now having my first grandbaby - and my girls are both in their 30s.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, fairfarmhand said:

Ita! I fear though that since there’s 10 years between oldest and youngest that I’ll drop some balls constantly. Either I won’t be up for being the wonderful grandma they want for the Older bunch or I’ll have used up all my enthusiasm for grands by the time my younger set has theirs. When my oldest has kids I’ll likely be knee deep in teens still!

I’ll have, God willing, almost a seventeen year gap between oldest and youngest, so I expect there won’t be a break before I have grandkids. I hope I am okay with that. Right now I’m sure I will be because yay, babies!  But I guess we shall see in a decade or so. 

 

My mom had me, the oldest, at 22 and the youngest at 30.  She had one grandchild, my oldest, before my sister graduated from high school, and she was still able to be a hands-on, enthusiastic grandmother. Now that we are about to have grandbaby number thirteen, she’s still a hands-on, enthusiastic grandmother. She adores my children, and they adore her too. She had four kids herself and was just as excited about my fifth, sixth, and seventh babies as she was about my first. I know some people probably thought we were crazy for having a seventh at my age and after what happened with number six, but she said, “Congrats!  So exciting!  And all the stress and worry will be worth it because a baby!”  (Yeah, I know where I get it.)  She also said, “Tell us what we can do to help.”  So yeah, I think I will be okay when I get to that point. 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

With my first - my mom was at the hospital for the labor, and we were staying with them, so yes, she was able to see dad first.

With my 2nd, it was MIL we called to come watch older sister while we went to birth center by ourselves.  So MIL got to see ds when he was hours old as we returned home, and then she stayed several days to help run the house before it was possible for my parents to come up.

I think it just depends on a lot of factors, physical location and general closeness or relationship aside. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I plan to be wherever my kids want me to be.....my mil gave me a hard time throughout all my pregnancies (the ones that ended in miscarriage also) and I could write volumes on what not to do.  Dh barred them from the hospital for dd’s birth and for ds they were with dd until bf could get there.  Ironically Dh’s partner sat in the waiting room while I was in labor which was comforting because I trust him, my mom was too far away.  My pregnancies were so hard with lots of bed rest and hospital stays that I just want to be supportive.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
11 hours ago, KungFuPanda said:

I think it just works out that way because women are generally more comfortable having their own mothers in the delivery room and caring for them when they are immediately post partem and need physical help with personal care. I know I felt comfortable with MIL helping with meals, but I felt completely comfortable letting my mother run my house. I do a lot of things the way she does so she never needed to ask many questions about where we keep things and how we do things. It didn’t matter who lived closer. I could rest and recover better because MY mother feels like home, not company. 

It’s all about the new mother being able to relax and recover. Having my MIL sorting my laundry or having both grandmas in my house at once would have been stressful to me. 

4

ITA, I don't think it has anything to do with rules. IIRC my Mom was there for the first 2 births, the last 2 it was just dh, the midwife, and myself. The second baby I had in her house since mine burned down, she stayed in the living room until it was time and then I called her in, not really thinking about it. The first was at the hospital, Mom was in the room, mil in the lobby. I think it is more likely than not a daughter is going to be closer to her own mother than mil. My own MIL is ok, certainly not as bad as some of these horror stories but she's given me plenty of modeling on what not to do still yet. I hope to be there when my grandbabies are born but could understand if they wanted privacy BUT I'm certain I'd be hurt if the MIL was invited and not me, especially so with my girls, I think that would feel like a knife in the heart!

Edited by soror

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've never heard of this.

When #1 was born, I think my mom was in the hospital.  I know I asked for her, and they told me I could have my (now) ex there or her.  ?  But she did see ds before ex's family.  (Sidenote: for as much as people make fun of birth plans, not having one and getting surprised by rejected requests definitely changes the mood of a delivery room!)

When #2 was born, my family lived 12 hours away.  My inlaws were watching ds when I went for a scheduled induction at 41 weeks.  They lived 2 hours from the hospital.  It did not occur to me to think about "family involvement".  Well, it occurred to my husband's family!  Without invitation, they set up camp in the waiting room almost as soon as I got there. (I did not know this.)  The staff let them into my room before I had even been out of bed to use the bathroom and clean myself up, without bothering to ask me.

Anyway, I never gave any thought to who should see babies first.  I do have lots of thoughts on other aspects, though. ? 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
12 hours ago, hippiemamato3 said:

Yes, she is just as much the grandmother, but the postpartum days are about mom & baby. So mom gets to decide. If she wants her own mom first, maternal grandma is first visitor. 

Of course Mom gets to decide. But that isn't the same thing as there being some sort of rule (other than the mother deciding).

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I personally can’t understand the race to see a newborn before anyone else. (This might change when my kids have my grand babies ). The babies won’t remember who visited. They aren’t doing much. I do understand helping out mom as needed and in a way that she desires. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think in the other thread the MIL was being sweet and respectful towards the maternal grandma. I think MIL was trying to nudge the new mom toward being open to her own mother and trying to diplomatically stay out of/minimize conflict or hurt feelings. She may have been using the term “tradition” diplomatically. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've never heard of this. It seems like a silly tradition and kind of rude. I can't imagine putting restrictions on who sees baby first.

My mil held my youngest before I even got to. He was in the NICU and I was still recovering from a C-section. It was tough not being with him but I'd never deny her access to her grandchildren, especially one who entered the world giving us all a bug scare, because I hadn't held him yet. Yet people couldn't believe I was ok with that. So I guess the above tradition isn't surprising to me. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have 13 years between oldest and youngest so I guess I could be dealing with grandbabies while still raising kids.  I'll deal with that when the time comes, oldest dd isn't in a relationship at the moment.

My mother was in the delivery room with oldest dd, in the room until we were rushed to the operating room for an emergency c-section with ds, but came later with youngest dd.  Youngest dd was a scheduled c-section but I went into labor early.  MIL had come to our house to watch ds and came a week early so she could watch him while we got things ready.  I guess that was a good thing.   

MIL lives 2 1/2 hours away, my mother lives 15 minutes away so that's certainly part of it.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 9/1/2018 at 3:04 PM, Tibbie Dunbar said:

its traditional to "let" the mother's mother see the baby before the father's mother

 

What a quaint and old-fashioned notion that families all live close enough to one another for both grandmothers to be present after the birth. And that both grandmothers aren't actually working because they have to, and therefore even if they do live close enough, will have to wait until they're off work to come over. 

First come, first served ?

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
22 hours ago, stephanier.1765 said:

This thread makes my heart hurt. I'm the MIL and I already could not love that baby more. I'm actually the one more excited while her mother is more lukewarm about becoming a grandmother. But by distance alone, I will probably not be able to see the baby right after birth. Unfortunately, babies are unpredictable. However DIL is having a discussion with her OBGYN about a c-section. If that happens and there is a definite date, I will fly up for the birth and I hope DIL doesn't make me wait to see the baby. I can't imagine she would but I do worry about it.

I've told them I will stay as long as they need/want me and if that means I need to hit the road right away, I will. If it means they want me for a month, I'll do that too. My son will have no problem telling when the time to go has come. ? Right now they are actually looking forward to my stay but that might change after the baby arrives. 

It sounds like you are a very understanding MIL!

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 9/1/2018 at 2:04 PM, Tibbie Dunbar said:

NOTE: I am 99.99% sure this is a hypothetical question. LOL In other words,I don't think I'm a pending grandmother.

I just read in another thread here that some believe its traditional to "let" the mother's mother see the baby before the father's mother. Really? When this question does apply to me in the future, I already know I'm more likely to be around than ds's MIL. Not for lack of interest or closeness on her part, I'm just always more available and hands-on as a helper...is this something I should be aware of? If I'm in town and the other grandma isn't, am I not supposed to visit or help until she has arrived and seen the baby first?

(I think this sounds like a bunch of hooey. It's not grandma's baby, it's mom's and dad's baby...right? Whoever is there, that the parents want, should be there. If you have no daughters, just sons, in what other ways are you slated to be a second class grandmother?)

 

I've never heard of this

 

For my son (my first) in fact, my husband's parents saw him before my parents did. They were in town first (though they overlapped one day with my parents). For my daughter, OTOH, my dad was in town for the birth (he was already retiring and there helping us pack because we had to vacate the house shortly after the birth. He took care of the oldest) and my mom flew in the day we left the hospital.  Husband's mom came down a few months later.

 

However, whereas I would have been OK with my mom in the hospital (though she didn't end up being there for either) I would NOT have been comfortable with my husband's mom. We just don't have that kind of relationship. Sorry.

 

Edited by vonfirmath

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Throwing my hat in the ring. I have never heard of this tradition, except that I imagine more women want their bio mom in the delivery room, than their MIL. But not because MIL is a pain. Mine wasn't, she is a saint. Just because mom is mom.

Of course MIL will want to enjoy her sweet grandbaby. Fairfarmhand's letter was great and I would use that as MIL or mom to show my acceptance and support to the new mom.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×
×
  • Create New...