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New grand baby etiquette Q


Lang Syne Boardie
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11 hours ago, KungFuPanda said:

I think it just works out that way because women are generally more comfortable having their own mothers in the delivery room and caring for them when they are immediately post partem and need physical help with personal care. I know I felt comfortable with MIL helping with meals, but I felt completely comfortable letting my mother run my house. I do a lot of things the way she does so she never needed to ask many questions about where we keep things and how we do things. It didn’t matter who lived closer. I could rest and recover better because MY mother feels like home, not company. 

It’s all about the new mother being able to relax and recover. Having my MIL sorting my laundry or having both grandmas in my house at once would have been stressful to me. 

4

ITA, I don't think it has anything to do with rules. IIRC my Mom was there for the first 2 births, the last 2 it was just dh, the midwife, and myself. The second baby I had in her house since mine burned down, she stayed in the living room until it was time and then I called her in, not really thinking about it. The first was at the hospital, Mom was in the room, mil in the lobby. I think it is more likely than not a daughter is going to be closer to her own mother than mil. My own MIL is ok, certainly not as bad as some of these horror stories but she's given me plenty of modeling on what not to do still yet. I hope to be there when my grandbabies are born but could understand if they wanted privacy BUT I'm certain I'd be hurt if the MIL was invited and not me, especially so with my girls, I think that would feel like a knife in the heart!

Edited by soror
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I've never heard of this.

When #1 was born, I think my mom was in the hospital.  I know I asked for her, and they told me I could have my (now) ex there or her.  ?  But she did see ds before ex's family.  (Sidenote: for as much as people make fun of birth plans, not having one and getting surprised by rejected requests definitely changes the mood of a delivery room!)

When #2 was born, my family lived 12 hours away.  My inlaws were watching ds when I went for a scheduled induction at 41 weeks.  They lived 2 hours from the hospital.  It did not occur to me to think about "family involvement".  Well, it occurred to my husband's family!  Without invitation, they set up camp in the waiting room almost as soon as I got there. (I did not know this.)  The staff let them into my room before I had even been out of bed to use the bathroom and clean myself up, without bothering to ask me.

Anyway, I never gave any thought to who should see babies first.  I do have lots of thoughts on other aspects, though. ? 

 

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12 hours ago, hippiemamato3 said:

Yes, she is just as much the grandmother, but the postpartum days are about mom & baby. So mom gets to decide. If she wants her own mom first, maternal grandma is first visitor. 

Of course Mom gets to decide. But that isn't the same thing as there being some sort of rule (other than the mother deciding).

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I've never heard of this. It seems like a silly tradition and kind of rude. I can't imagine putting restrictions on who sees baby first.

My mil held my youngest before I even got to. He was in the NICU and I was still recovering from a C-section. It was tough not being with him but I'd never deny her access to her grandchildren, especially one who entered the world giving us all a bug scare, because I hadn't held him yet. Yet people couldn't believe I was ok with that. So I guess the above tradition isn't surprising to me. 

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I have 13 years between oldest and youngest so I guess I could be dealing with grandbabies while still raising kids.  I'll deal with that when the time comes, oldest dd isn't in a relationship at the moment.

My mother was in the delivery room with oldest dd, in the room until we were rushed to the operating room for an emergency c-section with ds, but came later with youngest dd.  Youngest dd was a scheduled c-section but I went into labor early.  MIL had come to our house to watch ds and came a week early so she could watch him while we got things ready.  I guess that was a good thing.   

MIL lives 2 1/2 hours away, my mother lives 15 minutes away so that's certainly part of it.  

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22 hours ago, stephanier.1765 said:

This thread makes my heart hurt. I'm the MIL and I already could not love that baby more. I'm actually the one more excited while her mother is more lukewarm about becoming a grandmother. But by distance alone, I will probably not be able to see the baby right after birth. Unfortunately, babies are unpredictable. However DIL is having a discussion with her OBGYN about a c-section. If that happens and there is a definite date, I will fly up for the birth and I hope DIL doesn't make me wait to see the baby. I can't imagine she would but I do worry about it.

I've told them I will stay as long as they need/want me and if that means I need to hit the road right away, I will. If it means they want me for a month, I'll do that too. My son will have no problem telling when the time to go has come. ? Right now they are actually looking forward to my stay but that might change after the baby arrives. 

It sounds like you are a very understanding MIL!

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On 9/1/2018 at 2:04 PM, Tibbie Dunbar said:

NOTE: I am 99.99% sure this is a hypothetical question. LOL In other words,I don't think I'm a pending grandmother.

I just read in another thread here that some believe its traditional to "let" the mother's mother see the baby before the father's mother. Really? When this question does apply to me in the future, I already know I'm more likely to be around than ds's MIL. Not for lack of interest or closeness on her part, I'm just always more available and hands-on as a helper...is this something I should be aware of? If I'm in town and the other grandma isn't, am I not supposed to visit or help until she has arrived and seen the baby first?

(I think this sounds like a bunch of hooey. It's not grandma's baby, it's mom's and dad's baby...right? Whoever is there, that the parents want, should be there. If you have no daughters, just sons, in what other ways are you slated to be a second class grandmother?)

 

I've never heard of this

 

For my son (my first) in fact, my husband's parents saw him before my parents did. They were in town first (though they overlapped one day with my parents). For my daughter, OTOH, my dad was in town for the birth (he was already retiring and there helping us pack because we had to vacate the house shortly after the birth. He took care of the oldest) and my mom flew in the day we left the hospital.  Husband's mom came down a few months later.

 

However, whereas I would have been OK with my mom in the hospital (though she didn't end up being there for either) I would NOT have been comfortable with my husband's mom. We just don't have that kind of relationship. Sorry.

 

Edited by vonfirmath
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Throwing my hat in the ring. I have never heard of this tradition, except that I imagine more women want their bio mom in the delivery room, than their MIL. But not because MIL is a pain. Mine wasn't, she is a saint. Just because mom is mom.

Of course MIL will want to enjoy her sweet grandbaby. Fairfarmhand's letter was great and I would use that as MIL or mom to show my acceptance and support to the new mom.

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