New grand baby etiquette Q

[Lang Syne Boardie]

NOTE: I am 99.99% sure this is a hypothetical question. LOL In other words,I don't think I'm a pending grandmother.

I just read in another thread here that some believe its traditional to "let" the mother's mother see the baby before the father's mother. Really? When this question does apply to me in the future, I already know I'm more likely to be around than ds's MIL. Not for lack of interest or closeness on her part, I'm just always more available and hands-on as a helper...is this something I should be aware of? If I'm in town and the other grandma isn't, am I not supposed to visit or help until she has arrived and seen the baby first?

(I think this sounds like a bunch of hooey. It's not grandma's baby, it's mom's and dad's baby...right? Whoever is there, that the parents want, should be there. If you have no daughters, just sons, in what other ways are you slated to be a second class grandmother?)

[HomeAgain]

It is usually because the mother's mother is closer and will be at/near the delivery/staying with the couple to help out.

Other than that, it doesn't really have a rule.

[TechWife]

I’ve never heard of that tradition. It’s the parents’ choice. It usually has more to do with who lives closer than anything else, in my experience. 

[Annie G]

When Dd had her first baby, all the grandparents were at the hospital, and she chose to let me come back to see the baby before the others. It was a nice honor and she and her dh jointly made that decision.  When she had her second baby I was 900 miles away so her mil saw the baby before I did.  Even if I had been there I wouldn’t have been upset if they didn’t choose to let me be first again.  

I’ve never heard it as a tradition though. 

[maize]

I've never heard of such a tradition, and I think in any case it would be less important than the specific circumstances and the desires of the parents.

My MIL was the first to visit after a couple of my babies were born. I loved having her come.

[Terabith]

I'd never heard that before.  When my first was born, my parents were a 12 hour drive away (but they made the drive fairly often).  My in laws were much further away and had to fly.  When I was pregnant with my first, my in laws scheduled flights to come two weeks after my due date, figuring that my parents would have already been there and left.  But baby was two weeks late, and they arrived literally while I was in labor.  My parents came the following week.  

When my second one was born, my parents got in the car and started driving when I went into labor, so they could pick up my older daughter from the friend's house where she spent the night while I was giving birth, so my mom was the first one to see the second baby.  My in laws came a week or so after they left.  

[Jean in Newcastle]

Not a tradition I've heard of.  My mom did spend more time with me and my newborns but that was due to our closer relationship and not due to anything else. 

[prairiewindmomma]

This is common where I am from (Midwest) as both sets of grandparents are often waiting at the hospital. It is to keep PITA MILs from rushing the room while new mom is delicately recovering, iykwim. 

In the other thread, I am guessing it was the other grandma apologizing for the fact that she is aghast that new mom is keeping her own mother at arm’s length. 

[cjzimmer1]

I've never heard of this as a tradition either but in the practical sense I would have preferred this.  MIL was always pushing to come see baby long before I was ready for visitors (and after that initial visit almost never comes to see them again).  And after the first was born, I wanted my kids to be the first to see the new baby and they were always with my mom so naturally my mom would be there first.  

I think as long as you leave it open to the new parents what is their preference you would be fine.  Aka "when would be a good time to visit" versus "I'll be there in an hour".

[Jean in Newcastle]

I didn't want either of the grandparents in the delivery room with me.  MIL would have pushed her way in but we took steps to keep her out - including not telling her when we actually went to the hospital (it was necessary and was dh's idea). 

[barnwife]

40 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

This is common where I am from (Midwest) as both sets of grandparents are often waiting at the hospital. It is to keep PITA MILs from rushing the room while new mom is delicately recovering, iykwim. 

In the other thread, I am guessing it was the other grandma apologizing for the fact that she is aghast that new mom is keeping her own mother at arm’s length. 

Huh...and here I've lived in the Midwest the vast majority of my life and never heard of it. Why would one grandma be more of a PITA than the other?

Shouldn't the decision be made on who is available, closeness of relationship, etc...? (Obviously, I am curious. And failed at this apparently, as grandparents weren't the first to see our little ones!)

[gardenmom5]

is that the same rule book that says at the wedding the bride's mother is supposed to wear pink and the groom's mother is supposed to wear blue?  (and they can't wear the same dress!  I wore blue, dsil's mother wore burgundy - of a *very* similar dress. it wasn't planned.  we both had a horrible time finding a dress and it was pure coincidence.  dsil was horrified. I thought it was hysterical. )

my first grandbaby is due on sunday - and i've never heard this rule.  though generally dd's are closer to their mother's than their mil's. . . . .  I was horrified when my mil showed up in my labor room.  (she's a rn. my nurse escorted her out.)  I do plan on going down - I'm buying my ticket after baby is born.  (babies have the reputation to come when they want). I doubt dsil's mother will be there (another state, but much closer than me), but that is due to his blow up with her over the summer.

[scholastica]

Not a tradition I have heard of, not do I think it’s practicable in this day and age. I live in the same city as my in-laws. Was she supposed to stay away for 3 weeks until my mom could get out here? That seems off the wall. I can see in earlier days when families lived close together, but not today. Heck, my mom was still working her high stress corporate job until halfway through my first pregnancy. I can imagine that lots of grandmas have other demands on their time that would preclude that.

[HS Mom in NC]

Never heard of it.  Maybe it's something someone read about in some sort of historical fiction and assumed it's a rule IRL?

[Hoggirl]

1 hour ago, gardenmom5 said:

is that the same rule book that says at the wedding the bride's mother is supposed to wear pink and the groom's mother is supposed to wear blue?  (and they can't wear the same dress!  I wore blue, dsil's mother wore burgundy - of a *very* similar dress. it wasn't planned.  we both had a horrible time finding a dress and it was pure coincidence.  dsil was horrified. I thought it was hysterical. )

my first grandbaby is due on sunday - and i've never heard this rule.  though generally dd's are closer to their mother's than their mil's. . . . .  I was horrified when my mil showed up in my labor room.  (she's a rn. my nurse escorted her out.)  I do plan on going down - I'm buying my ticket after baby is born.  (babies have the reputation to come when they want). I doubt dsil's mother will be there (another state, but much closer than me), but that is due to his blow up with her over the summer.

Oh, come on!  Everyone knows the mother of the groom is supposed to wear BEIGE and keep her mouth shut!  Lol! Neither of these bodes well for me!

I think this “rule,” is probably based on the assumption that a daughter will be more comfortable with her own mother than with her mother-in-law. Especially with the first baby.  But assumptions may or may not always hold true.  It’s probably based on stereotypes of monsters-in-law and/or daughters-in-law trying to gain approval, etc. 

Everyone should be deferential to the new mama’s wishes, whatever those may be. 

Edited September 1, 2018 by Hoggirl

[marbel]

I've never heard of that tradition. 

FWIW, when I had my babies we had no family living nearby.  And my MIL was the first to travel to visit. She came right away when the first was born, and then when #2 was coming, she and my FIL came to stay with our first while I was in the hospital.

My Mom was happy for her to be the first.  My Mom had 6 grandchildren, MIL had zero. So it seemed right to let her be there. (Even though I would have preferred my own mom.)

 It is to keep PITA MILs from rushing the room while new mom is delicately recovering, iykwim. 

This makes no sense to me. Why would it be assumed that the wife/new mom's mother is wonderful while the husband/new dad's mother is a PITA?  

[marbel]

4 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

Although I have never heard of the tradition, I guess the post you quoted is a reference to the fact that, having diapered her own child as a baby, the mother of mom has seen all the mom's lady parts already, whereas the MIL has not.  

So they are talking about new grandmas being there for the actual birth?  I didn't catch that. I thought it was about seeing the baby after he/she was born. 

Even if my mom/mil had been local they would not have been in the room while I was giving birth, so that never occurred to me.

Edited September 1, 2018 by marbel

[LMD]

 

Never heard of this rule, but I'm an airhead about etiquette.

Well, I can tell you that my mum had a tantrum because she wasn't the first phone call. And she was too busy 'collapsing' because she was 'cut out of the birth of her grandchild' so she was also not the first visitor - we were kept awake waiting until 1am when she finally pulled herself together to visit (baby had been born before 10pm).

So, don't do that! Lol.

My MIL is a wonderful, boundary respecting, person.

[stephanier.1765]

This thread makes my heart hurt. I'm the MIL and I already could not love that baby more. I'm actually the one more excited while her mother is more lukewarm about becoming a grandmother. But by distance alone, I will probably not be able to see the baby right after birth. Unfortunately, babies are unpredictable. However DIL is having a discussion with her OBGYN about a c-section. If that happens and there is a definite date, I will fly up for the birth and I hope DIL doesn't make me wait to see the baby. I can't imagine she would but I do worry about it.

I've told them I will stay as long as they need/want me and if that means I need to hit the road right away, I will. If it means they want me for a month, I'll do that too. My son will have no problem telling when the time to go has come. ? Right now they are actually looking forward to my stay but that might change after the baby arrives. 

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Right, I'm not talking about being present at the birth. I can see how a mom would like her own mom there but not MIL - not that I'd invite myself to anyone's birth, no matter the relation...what's wrong with people...I am glad that nobody thinks there's a rule concerning the proper order of meeting the baby. ? 

I am very lucky, as a MIL. DDIL is very good at explaining what she wants and doesn't want - if her behavior as a bride was any indication (and why wouldn't it be?) she will know what she wants and communicate clearly as a mother, too. And she can trust me to be up for whatever. If she wants me at the hospital, I'm there. If she wants me to visit when the baby is three days old, and bring casseroles for the freezer and maybe do some cleaning, I will do that. LOL

[stephanier.1765]

2 minutes ago, Tibbie Dunbar said:

Right, I'm not talking about being present at the birth. I can see how a mom would like her own mom there but not MIL - not that I'd invite myself to anyone's birth, no matter the relation...what's wrong with people...I am glad that nobody thinks there's a rule concerning the proper order of meeting the baby. ? 

I am very lucky, as a MIL. DDIL is very good at explaining what she wants and doesn't want - if her behavior as a bride was any indication (and why wouldn't it be?) she will know what she wants and communicate clearly as a mother, too. And she can trust me to be up for whatever. If she wants me at the hospital, I'm there. If she wants me to visit when the baby is three days old, and bring casseroles for the freezer and maybe do some cleaning, I will do that. LOL

 

That's how I feel about it too. I'll follow their lead and be there when they are ready. They know I am grandmother crazy so they won't be afraid to ask for help.

[Terabith]

My mother wanted to be at the birth of my child.  No way in heck was that going to happen!!!

[Jean in Newcastle]

I dislike the idea of putting pressure on a new mom.  Obviously circumstances can vary so much from family to family based on so many variables.  In My case, both my mom and my MIL were older women.  Neither of them knew my house well.  Neither were the kind who would give actual needed help - in fact, my MIL's "help" often created more work for me.  My first labor and delivery was extremely difficult and my recovery was hard.  Nursing was extremely hard with that first colicky baby as well.  I was so glad that my mom was content to wait a whole month to see me and my newborn because when she and my dad came out, I was still a host to them and wouldn't have been able to do that earlier.  The first time a woman came over with some food and threw a load of laundry in for me was when my son was 3 months old, and I cried because it meant so much to me.  (Obviously many people have moms and MILs who are really helpful and don't need hosting.  That just wasn't my reality, though my mom esp. was good with the actual baby.  In my MILs case, looking back, we think that she was already showing signs of dementia and that made her unpredictable with the baby.)

[Lang Syne Boardie]

9 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

I dislike the idea of putting pressure on a new mom.  Obviously circumstances can vary so much from family to family based on so many variables.  In My case, both my mom and my MIL were older women.  Neither of them knew my house well.  Neither were the kind who would give actual needed help - in fact, my MIL's "help" often created more work for me.  My first labor and delivery was extremely difficult and my recovery was hard.  Nursing was extremely hard with that first colicky baby as well.  I was so glad that my mom was content to wait a whole month to see me and my newborn because when she and my dad came out, I was still a host to them and wouldn't have been able to do that earlier.  The first time a woman came over with some food and threw a load of laundry in for me was when my son was 3 months old, and I cried because it meant so much to me.  (Obviously many people have moms and MILs who are really helpful and don't need hosting.  That just wasn't my reality, though my mom esp. was good with the actual baby.  In my MILs case, looking back, we think that she was already showing signs of dementia and that made her unpredictable with the baby.)

 

My MIL was not able to travel to see our first baby until he was six months old. She still managed to pull off the perfect MIL visit - exquisite, handmade gifts, best intentions in the world, yet she destroyed me emotionally until I was seriously considering psychiatric help, and DH sent her home early. (I have never suffered from mental illness, nor sought treatment for so much as anxiety or the threat of depression.) If she had come when I was still postpartum, I don't think I would have been okay. She's just toxic. 

I know I'm not toxic, and so far DIL confides me in me to a degree that makes me think she doesn't consider me to be a threat of any kind. But when my kids were young, I was very aware of family histories of mental illness, narcissism, etc. and I gave them a lot of room to get help if I turned out to act that way (without realizing it). They've always known, since they were tiny, who they could talk to if Mama was the problem. I will extend that to any DDILs and grandchildren - I'll stay good at boundaries and focus on having my own active and meaningful life, so if anyone needs distance from me, they won't have to hit me over the head with a hammer to get the hint! I don't need to live vicariously. I will love the kids and their children dearly and be involved, but I don't want to raise anyone, don't want to take anything from the children's mothers, and I know that I got to do it all myself once. 

[Lori D.]

Another person who has never heard that there is a "tradition" or "etiquette order" about baby visitations... Sort of reminds me of my squabbling kids when they were young: "I get to be first!" "Nuh-uh! I called it first!" (LOL). Visitations (or not), from *anyone* would be up to what the new parents want or can handle, I would think.

[historically accurate]

I've never heard of that rule. Everyone was at the birth of my babies since I had planned c-sections (with the exception of the one who came early, but everyone still made it before the end of the day). All 4 grandparents and an uncle and sometimes a great uncle and great aunt came to the hospital. My mother and my MIL and my SIL pretty much took turns visiting and helping with the kids/house/laundry while I was recuperating. 

Only thing that bothered me was I had a reaction to the spinal every time and shook for about an hour after the surgery so everyone got to hold the baby before me. I'm glad they didn't bicker amongst themselves on dibs on holding the baby.

ETA: It didn't really really bother me since I understand that it was a safety issue, but I still remember being sad as everyone passed the baby and I laid on the bed just watching. 

Edited September 1, 2018 by beckyjo

[rebcoola]

Never heard of it both of my babies were born when we lived far from both my mom and MIL. Step MIL was closest at 5hrs away.  In a weird twist of fate my Step MIL parents lived only an hour away from us and where in the hospital for an appointment the day oldest dd was born and so despite having never met me before were the first to see baby.  

[Chris in VA]

I was first to see dil's baby (first of the moms) because her mom lives in Russia. She couldn't even come for the wedding--skyped in. 

It was a privilege to be there. 

Now I don't really have a relationship with my grand, because they live hours and hours away,  and her Russian Baba, who is as dear as can be, lives with her. So, tables turn, don't they?

Whether you see your grandbaby first, or after, just...see your grandbaby. 

[hippiemamato3]

3 hours ago, barnwife said:

Huh...and here I've lived in the Midwest the vast majority of my life and never heard of it. Why would one grandma be more of a PITA than the other?

Shouldn't the decision be made on who is available, closeness of relationship, etc...? (Obviously, I am curious. And failed at this apparently, as grandparents weren't the first to see our little ones!)

Mom decides who is more of a PITA to her after the birth. She decides who visits and who has to wait. 

[happypamama]

I’ve never heard of that “rule.”  I think it should be whomever the couple wants to be there first, but distance, closeness, etc. are going to play into that. 

 

My parents have seen some of our babies first and my ILs other babies first, just because of which set was available.  It hasn’t been a big deal.

 

I expect my parents will get to meet DS6 before my ILs because my parents now live closer and are more likely to be staying with our other children, but since he’s due around Thanksgiving, we don’t really know. I’m sure it’ll be whomever is able to visit, and I don’t particularly care. All of them are nice, helpful people who bring food and help with other kids and such. 

 

I will say say that I recommend not putting demands on new mommies (not that I can see you doing that Tibbie).  We have refused to call anyone when I’m in labor because the idea of being in anyone’s clock bothers me. I’m planning an induction this time, unless he decides to come early on his own, and I’ll still probably only tell whomever is keeping our other children. Also, with my home births, I have preferred people to come in the first two or three days, when I’m still on the birth high and the baby is still kind of sleepy, and then I like them to go home and leave us alone. After two or three days, I get tired (and won’t rest if people are around, even if they’re helpful), and the babies decide all they want to do is nurse, so I just want to be left alone. We shall see what happens this time. Without knowing how close to Thanksgiving it’ll be, or how my health will be, it’s hard to know what will be helpful.  But some new moms want a lot of help right away, so you have to ask. 

[fairfarmhand]

Here’s what I’ve decided for my daughters. L” hon I am so excited about this baby! However you get to decide everything. If you want me at the hospital, I’ll be there. If you want me to wait till your home, just tell me then. Just know I am super excited and can’t wait to see baby but I don’t want to intrude on what you need for those first weeks. If I don’t hear from you in the first week or so, I’ll give you a call and see if I can help in some way! Text me some pictures though!”

[Ellie]

4 hours ago, Tibbie Dunbar said:

NOTE: I am 99.99% sure this is a hypothetical question. LOL In other words,I don't think I'm a pending grandmother.

I just read in another thread here that some believe its traditional to "let" the mother's mother see the baby before the father's mother. Really? When this question does apply to me in the future, I already know I'm more likely to be around than ds's MIL. Not for lack of interest or closeness on her part, I'm just always more available and hands-on as a helper...is this something I should be aware of? If I'm in town and the other grandma isn't, am I not supposed to visit or help until she has arrived and seen the baby first?

(I think this sounds like a bunch of hooey. It's not grandma's baby, it's mom's and dad's baby...right? Whoever is there, that the parents want, should be there. If you have no daughters, just sons, in what other ways are you slated to be a second class grandmother?)

I never heard of such a tradition.

Although the baby would grow in your dil's mommy hotel, you are just as much the grandmother as *her* mother.

I was glad that my mil was in town, and welcomed her just as much as I welcomed my own mother.

Edited September 1, 2018 by Ellie

[KungFuPanda]

4 hours ago, Tibbie Dunbar said:

NOTE: I am 99.99% sure this is a hypothetical question. LOL In other words,I don't think I'm a pending grandmother.

I just read in another thread here that some believe its traditional to "let" the mother's mother see the baby before the father's mother. Really? When this question does apply to me in the future, I already know I'm more likely to be around than ds's MIL. Not for lack of interest or closeness on her part, I'm just always more available and hands-on as a helper...is this something I should be aware of? If I'm in town and the other grandma isn't, am I not supposed to visit or help until she has arrived and seen the baby first?

(I think this sounds like a bunch of hooey. It's not grandma's baby, it's mom's and dad's baby...right? Whoever is there, that the parents want, should be there. If you have no daughters, just sons, in what other ways are you slated to be a second class grandmother?)

I think it just works out that way because women are generally more comfortable having their own mothers in the delivery room and caring for them when they are immediately post partem and need physical help with personal care. I know I felt comfortable with MIL helping with meals, but I felt completely comfortable letting my mother run my house. I do a lot of things the way she does so she never needed to ask many questions about where we keep things and how we do things. It didn’t matter who lived closer. I could rest and recover better because MY mother feels like home, not company. 

It’s all about the new mother being able to relax and recover. Having my MIL sorting my laundry or having both grandmas in my house at once would have been stressful to me. 

[Lang Syne Boardie]

My big secret in life is that I am not sittin' on go, waiting for the chance to rush over and do stuff for my adult kids and their families. I definitely will do all the things, if needed and wanted. If they'll want me be the grandma they never had, I'm sure that would make me happy, too, and I wouldn't let them down. But I am SO tired. Maybe I will feel all broody (at grandmother level) once I'm done raising teens. I hope so. My matriarch complex has nearly run its course, unless I start getting more sleep!!

Do NOT tell my kids that I'm worried about being too worn out. I want to be the grandma that remembers birthdays and goes to the sports games and hosts the holiday dinners. I really do. But I hope everybody waits about five more years - four to finish raising my last kid, and then one year in a BarcaLounger or sensory deprivation tank.

 

[hippiemamato3]

26 minutes ago, Ellie said:

I never heard of such a tradition.

Although the baby would grow in your dil's mommy hotel, you are just as much the grandmother as *her* mother.

I was glad that my mil was in town, and welcomed her just as much as I welcomed my own mother.

Yes, she is just as much the grandmother, but the postpartum days are about mom & baby. So mom gets to decide. If she wants her own mom first, maternal grandma is first visitor. 

[BakersDozen]

Our mothers were somewhat fanatical about the "daughter's mom first, then the mil" rule and not just with babies. It's ironic because my mil is a much bigger help than my mom and I wouldn't have minded her being at the hospital or even in the room, but she refused. So I had to babysit my mom a few times while I was having a baby/recovering.

For us this won't be an issue because my dd is married to a guy who will not allow us to be a part of their lives in any way. We didn't even know our dd was almost dead due to diabetic coma; he told his parents and let us find out when people found out from his FB post and began calling us. So with my dd there will be no visits at the hospital, home, etc. I'm sure we'll find out she is expecting when others tell us because they saw it on FB. Good thing I adore his mom and know my dd couldn't have anyone better than her mil if the day comes that they have children.

[KungFuPanda]

I think this is one of the benefits of having your kids young; having the energy to be an active grandmother. I don’t want to RAISE my future grandchildren, but I still FEEL young and my daughter just entered her twenties. Sure, I could be waiting 10-15 years, but I’m healthy, energetic, and looking forward to being an involved grandparent. 

[Annie G]

11 minutes ago, Tibbie Dunbar said:

My big secret in life is that I am not sittin' on go, waiting for the chance to rush over and do stuff for my adult kids and their families. I definitely will do all the things, if needed and wanted. If they'll want me be the grandma they never had, I'm sure that would make me happy, too, and I wouldn't let them down. But I am SO tired. Maybe I will feel all broody (at grandmother level) once I'm done raising teens. I hope so. My matriarch complex has nearly run its course, unless I start getting more sleep!!

Do NOT tell my kids that I'm worried about being too worn out. I want to be the grandma that remembers birthdays and goes to the sports games and hosts the holiday dinners. I really do. But I hope everybody waits about five more years - four to finish raising my last kid, and then one year in a BarcaLounger or sensory deprivation tank.

 

Yes, once you are done raising teens, you’ll probably get gushy about grands. My mom had My brother a year before she became a grandma and until my brother was raised she wasn’t much of a grandma.  My two oldest grands were born while I was still knee deep raising teens. But now that all my kids are adults, grand parenting is great fun. 

Having a year between raising kids and grandkids starting to arrive would be awesome! It’s hard to straddle parenting and grand parenting. They are two very different animals. 

[Lang Syne Boardie]

9 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

I think this is one of the benefits of having your kids young; having the energy to be an active grandmother. I don’t want to RAISE my future grandchildren, but I still FEEL young and my daughter just entered her twenties. Sure, I could be waiting 10-15 years, but I’m healthy, energetic, and looking forward to being an involved grandparent. 

 

ITA. I was young when my kids were born. I have lupus which is sidelining me, not age. Technically, I'm still childbearing age (cannot imagine). There's a very good chance I'll rebound with rest. 

[Lang Syne Boardie]

15 minutes ago, Annie G said:

Yes, once you are done raising teens, you’ll probably get gushy about grands. My mom had My brother a year before she became a grandma and until my brother was raised she wasn’t much of a grandma.  My two oldest grands were born while I was still knee deep raising teens. But now that all my kids are adults, grand parenting is great fun. 

Having a year between raising kids and grandkids starting to arrive would be awesome! It’s hard to straddle parenting and grand parenting. They are two very different animals. 

Ok, that does make sense. No need to worry about it, even if grandchildren arrive next year, I won't be in both stages for long! ? Thank you.

[EKS]

That's dumb.

My MIL saw the older one first because she lived in the area.  Then we moved, and my mother saw the younger one first because she lived in the area.

[fairfarmhand]

51 minutes ago, Tibbie Dunbar said:

My big secret in life is that I am not sittin' on go, waiting for the chance to rush over and do stuff for my adult kids and their families. I definitely will do all the things, if needed and wanted. If they'll want me be the grandma they never had, I'm sure that would make me happy, too, and I wouldn't let them down. But I am SO tired. Maybe I will feel all broody (at grandmother level) once I'm done raising teens. I hope so. My matriarch complex has nearly run its course, unless I start getting more sleep!!

Do NOT tell my kids that I'm worried about being too worn out. I want to be the grandma that remembers birthdays and goes to the sports games and hosts the holiday dinners. I really do. But I hope everybody waits about five more years - four to finish raising my last kid, and then one year in a BarcaLounger or sensory deprivation tank.

 

Ita! I fear though that since there’s 10 years between oldest and youngest that I’ll drop some balls constantly. Either I won’t be up for being the wonderful grandma they want for the Older bunch or I’ll have used up all my enthusiasm for grands by the time my younger set has theirs. When my oldest has kids I’ll likely be knee deep in teens still!

[Garga]

6 hours ago, prairiewindmomma said:

This is common where I am from (Midwest) as both sets of grandparents are often waiting at the hospital. It is to keep PITA MILs from rushing the room while new mom is delicately recovering, iykwim. 

In the other thread, I am guessing it was the other grandma apologizing for the fact that she is aghast that new mom is keeping her own mother at arm’s length. 

 

I read the other thread the OP referenced.

In it, the hiver was sad because her own daughter didn’t tell her when she could see her new grandbaby.  She ended up seeing pictures of the new baby with the other grandmother (her daughter’s MIL). She wrote something along the lines of the other grandmother (the MIL) told the new mom that she should have let her own mother see the baby first, not the MIL, and that it was “tradition.”  I don’t think it was tradition at all.  I think the MIL just said that because she thought the new mom wasn’t being nice to her mother (the hiver) and had dropped the ball in letting her mother meet her grandbaby.  I think the MIL was trying to get the new mom to call her own mom and say, “Hey, come on over and meet your grandbaby!”  

The MIL was trying to do a solid for the other grandmother.

 

So, OP, I wouldn’t worry about this at all.  I think it was mostly made up by one grandma trying to have the back of another grandma in a particular circumstance.

[Halftime Hope]

I'm the grandma mentioned in the other thread.  We have worked very hard to accommodate the needs and wants of dd and her hubby over the last few years that they have been a couple and later a married couple.  We had her wedding in his home state, far too far for most of our friends and family to come, because his grandma couldn't travel.  It was a no-brainer, something we were glad to do, since she is the one living grandmother.  We are doing it again at Christmas, arranging our vacation around them, their dog, and the baby.  Likewise, they have invested a significant amount of time and money traveling to see us--a four hour flight or a four day drive--and we are grateful. 

A lot of the drama comes because she has a hard time with self-awareness and expressing what she wants or needs, which makes every time we go to plan something a huge ordeal.  We're hoping that she will grow and be able to talk with us adult to adult more readily.

It may be a regional thing, but my forebears and her husband's came from the same region of the country.  I had never thought of "which mother came first" as a hard and fast rule, because people are different and many times dynamics in a family are not all peachy keen.  I think it's probably just the expectation that, all things being equal, daughters are often closer to their mothers than to their mothers-in-law since they've known and loved each other longer.  It's not that the MIL is a second class citizen, and I truly hope that as she gets to know her MIL, they'll have a wonderful relationship, like I had with mine, and my mom had with hers.  I've gone out of my way to be a good, kind, generous daughter-in-law, and in the last two years now that I have a SIL and DIL, a loving, accepting, affirming mother-in-law.

In general, she and I have a good relationship, and there is nothing in our relationships that would make us or his parents unwanted or kept away.  She asked me to come spend a week when her hubby goes back to work after 4-6 weeks paternity leave; she doesn't want to be alone with a high-maintenance dog and the baby.   I told her I'd love to help, but that I didn't think I could wait for 6 weeks to see them and Baby Girl.  I asked if I could I come out on Labor Day weekend, but she said that her girlfriends were going to come out for Labor Day, like they always do. I said OK, didn't give her a hard time, but when the girls fell through, she could have let me know so I could have come out on the four-day weekend.  And now, I see that his parents are there...and I wish I were there so badly that it just stung.  

 

 

 

Edited September 2, 2018 by Halftime Hope

[catz]

This sounds ridiculous to me.  I can see that if a mother daughter had a relationship such that she had mom at 5he birth,well that makes sense.   I had c sections but no way would I want my parents at the birth.  They were traveling when my first was born so inlaws saw him first.  When my younger was born, ds was with my parents so they saw dd first.  

I do think grandparents get to decide how involved they want to be.   I’ve always been grateful my grandparent involvement even though they aren’t the 100% doting grandparent 24/7 and they definitely have their own lives.   

[Annie G]

I totally sympathize with your desire to be there, especially knowing his parents are there. It’s ok to love your Dd and also be mad at how thoughtless she was to (a) put her girlfriends before you and then (b) not tell you when that fell through.  I have a kid like that. 

Hope you get to hold that beautiful grand very soon. 

[gardenmom5]

2 hours ago, Annie G said:

Yes, once you are done raising teens, you’ll probably get gushy about grands. My mom had My brother a year before she became a grandma and until my brother was raised she wasn’t much of a grandma.  My two oldest grands were born while I was still knee deep raising teens. But now that all my kids are adults, grand parenting is great fun. 

Having a year between raising kids and grandkids starting to arrive would be awesome! It’s hard to straddle parenting and grand parenting. They are two very different animals. 

I needed the gap with my own kids just to handle dudeling.  and I was still exhausted all. the. time.  but the boys live at home (full time college students - both talking masters - so three more years) and actually are a big help.  even though they don't have to do much, just to have the 'male' back up that is his generation has been huge.  dudeling was a full-time job.  and for a while I had my mother too - I couldn't have done a grandbaby then.

now he's entered his teens (and my mother has passed away) - in some ways he's easier (I get more sleep), in other ways harder.    now, I can.   I am refusing to buy a ticket until he's born.  she said she doesn't need me there immediately, so that should work.

2 hours ago, Margaret in CO said:

I've never heard of that "rule" but then, it wouldn't have applied in our situation. My mom had passed away many years before, and I put off seeing mil as long as possible. She stood outside the door, after dd #2, screeching like a fishwife, demanding to know what I'd had, so she could go see her "real" grandchildren! Her words. I told the nurses that if they gave out that information, I'd sue. Not a happy time. She didn't even care about the rest of the kids, other than demanding that I name ds for her dh, then my father, and in the "correct" order, so as to honor HER side of the family. We declined, so she was a witch to him for forever. I "won", having had more kids than she did. She never forgave me for that. 

I am so sorry.  that's is just horrific.  the nurses should have escorted her out of the dept so you didn't have to listen to her.

1 hour ago, fairfarmhand said:

Ita! I fear though that since there’s 10 years between oldest and youngest that I’ll drop some balls constantly. Either I won’t be up for being the wonderful grandma they want for the Older bunch or I’ll have used up all my enthusiasm for grands by the time my younger set has theirs. When my oldest has kids I’ll likely be knee deep in teens still!

10 years isn't much of a gap.  mine is 22 years.  I'm just now having my first grandbaby - and my girls are both in their 30s.

[happypamama]

1 hour ago, fairfarmhand said:

Ita! I fear though that since there’s 10 years between oldest and youngest that I’ll drop some balls constantly. Either I won’t be up for being the wonderful grandma they want for the Older bunch or I’ll have used up all my enthusiasm for grands by the time my younger set has theirs. When my oldest has kids I’ll likely be knee deep in teens still!

I’ll have, God willing, almost a seventeen year gap between oldest and youngest, so I expect there won’t be a break before I have grandkids. I hope I am okay with that. Right now I’m sure I will be because yay, babies!  But I guess we shall see in a decade or so. 

 

My mom had me, the oldest, at 22 and the youngest at 30.  She had one grandchild, my oldest, before my sister graduated from high school, and she was still able to be a hands-on, enthusiastic grandmother. Now that we are about to have grandbaby number thirteen, she’s still a hands-on, enthusiastic grandmother. She adores my children, and they adore her too. She had four kids herself and was just as excited about my fifth, sixth, and seventh babies as she was about my first. I know some people probably thought we were crazy for having a seventh at my age and after what happened with number six, but she said, “Congrats!  So exciting!  And all the stress and worry will be worth it because a baby!”  (Yeah, I know where I get it.)  She also said, “Tell us what we can do to help.”  So yeah, I think I will be okay when I get to that point. 

[HSMWB]

With my first - my mom was at the hospital for the labor, and we were staying with them, so yes, she was able to see dad first.

With my 2nd, it was MIL we called to come watch older sister while we went to birth center by ourselves.  So MIL got to see ds when he was hours old as we returned home, and then she stayed several days to help run the house before it was possible for my parents to come up.

I think it just depends on a lot of factors, physical location and general closeness or relationship aside. 

[mumto2]

I plan to be wherever my kids want me to be.....my mil gave me a hard time throughout all my pregnancies (the ones that ended in miscarriage also) and I could write volumes on what not to do.  Dh barred them from the hospital for dd’s birth and for ds they were with dd until bf could get there.  Ironically Dh’s partner sat in the waiting room while I was in labor which was comforting because I trust him, my mom was too far away.  My pregnancies were so hard with lots of bed rest and hospital stays that I just want to be supportive.