Tell me about your home study area & routine for middle school.

[SKL]

This year (7th) will require serious study skills and time management.  I want to set the stage from day one by setting up the physical environment and planning for a routine that works without constant mom interference.  So I am curious what other successful afterschoolers do to make things run smoothly for their tweens.

My kids will have after-school activities more often than not, hence the need for good time management - for homework / test study as well as enrichment/practice assigned by Mom.

[Arctic Bunny]

I know my kids’ school isn’t at rigorous as yours, but still listening in for ideas!

[Lecka]

We followed personal advice for my son in 7th grade last year.  

For background he had been getting extra help for executive functioning skills, and had been very clingy/dependent on me, and didn’t want to take responsibility for his own things.

Anyway, I got advice to leave it up to him.  

He made some choices including having an extra study hall but not participating in music, and quitting an after-school activity.  

He is choosing to have as many study halls as possible and keeping after school time open for hanging out with friends.  He does do one after-school club.  

I don’t check his parent portal or his homework. We do have consequences for overall performance and he will be in serious trouble if we go back and see that poor grades are caused by missing work.  He has had issues in the past with missing work and I have been on top of it, but it just wasn’t the right thing to keep it up with him desiring more independence (very desirable for him!!!!!!!).  

I do make him show me his math and show that he understands, because he has not taken responsibility when he hasn’t understood well enough.  He has not taken responsibility for asking for help or looking for more explanations.   I am hoping he will grow in this area in 8th grade.  

I also make sure he has pencils, and I try to make sure he gets enough sleep.  

 

[Arctic Bunny]

@Lecka Do you have my child? Separated at birth, perhaps? This is where I struggle, is that by the time the consequences roll around, it is too late to fix the poor marks and missed assignments.

[Lecka]

He got some Cs and Ds last year.  

But I was given advice to let him get Cs and Ds in middle school, let him see how he likes it.  It turns out he doesn’t like it.  

He wasn’t recommended to need a resource study hall, but we moved during 6th and he had a resource study hall when we first moved and he didn’t want to be in it.

He also doesn’t want to have an extra math resource period.

He says he hears that the extra math resource period is good, he has friends who are in it who are doing well and are glad they are in it.  

But he doesn’t want to be in it.  So — that is up to him to do his homework and things.  

He is resentful of my help and when I helped him more he would easily have it hurt his feelings or feel like a loser.

So it’s not exactly what I want to be doing, but it works for him.  

He has also already lost privileges over missing work, when he was younger.  He has had me breathing down his neck.  He really feels he is too old and he doesn’t want me breathing down his neck.  

I don’t set grade requirements but he is expected to turn everything in.

He did miss assignments during 7th grade after being sick, he didn’t do what he needed to do to make sure he was making up his work.  That was the difference between a B and a C in one class.  He could have made it up easily but he didn’t go back and look at his grades (available on parent portal with his own log in) until after it was too late.  

I think he should be responsible for that as a 7th grader.  

I am really hoping for better grades in 8th grades.  He says he thinks he can get all As and Bs.  

He is a smart kid but he does not naturally know any of “the things that good students know” and he is skeptical it applies to him until he is disappointed with his grades.  

Wish me luck.  I wish you luck also!

[Lecka]

I got advice to let him get bad grades in middle school — the person (a resource teacher from elementary who knew him very well) said let him get bad grades in middle school, and then he could be in a lot better place in high school.

I don’t know yet if he will have better grades in high school.

He has come a long with with his personal growth, and we have less conflict, which right now is making up for his grades to me.  I wish his grades were better though.  

But yeah — I don’t have a version where he also gets good grades, doesn’t actually have things fall through the cracks and result in a poor grade, etc.

I also don’t know if your son would benefit from a resource period.  My son — we got advice he would be better off not to have it.  

For other kids it’s absolutely the right decision.  

My younger son I expect to always be in resource or a higher level of support than that.  

[Lecka]

I am also personally really into Social Thinking.  The authors there do recommend for college-bound students who have some “social thinking challenges” to be independently managing homework in middle school or early high school, and then if a schedule is too hard have an easier schedule.  

I go by that a lot.  

[Lecka]

https://www.socialthinking.com/Articles?name=Preparing for the Transition to Adulthood Part 1 Article

 

 

[Arctic Bunny]

I also think he should be independent.... but the teachers seem to think it’s my job to make sure his assignments are done. But how am I supposed to know when one is handed out? They email me when it’s not handed in. By then the paper is MIA. And we’re in a cycle of it must not be important if they’re not emailing mom. I can talk about him being responsible until I’m blue in the face, but....

Anyway, thanks for the link, I’ll have a look in a bit.

[Lecka]

Are they emailing you so you are aware, or are they emailing because they think it’s your responsibility?

I think sometimes they really do want it to be the parents’ responsibility.

But I think some times it’s okay to have a response of “thanks for letting me know.”  And not thinking it’s the parents’ reaponsibility.

I think there are two different ways to go.  

One is, does your child truly need support.  Can you request an IEP.  Can you see about more support at school.  This can include help with organizing, homework support, etc.  

Two is, does your child need a dose of reality.  Then I think — let him get a dose of reality.  

I can only say “you will get a bad grade on your report card” so many times.  Me saying it, is not the same as him seeing his grades.  

The thing is, kids can get conditioned that nothing is important until x, y, z has happened.  Things can get brought up and then — oh, because I helped at the last minute, he never actually has a consequence.  Then yeah he does not take me seriously!  He can tune out the teachers and think it doesn’t apply to him, somehow things will come together for him at the last minute.  

Where I am living now the teachers want kids to be responsible for themselves, they want them weaned off of the parent hand-holding.  They don’t think it’s the end of the world for a low grade to be on a report card.  They think it’s a message to do more the next grading period to get a better grade.  

Anyway I do think — I don’t know, we do have consequences for missing work.  But I don’t check, I just go back and look at parent portal for classes with low grades. We have conversations about how he can do things differently next time.  

I guess I would ask the teachers what they expect your involvement to be.

I think there’s a big difference between getting an email and responding “let’s get this work turned in” or responding “figure it out or you will be losing electronics” or “you messed up, now you lose electronics.”  

I really wish my son was easier and more willing to collaborate and able to accept help

without thinking it is MY responsibility instead of his responsibility.  But that just is not the current situation.

He is doing better now (easy to say since it is summer still here lolololol).  

But he did wait me out like “you care too much, you won’t let me get a bad grade” and then he went that way a while, lost electronics from his dad, and then after “not caring” did want to get his electronics back.  

Sigh.  

It is messier than I would like, but he just will not do things in an easier way.  And, he has had the exact same attitude like “oh, mom will fix it.”  And I would like to fix it, really, but it didn’t get me or him into a good place.  

And he really did need extra help when he was younger!!!!!!!

But he doesn’t need it the same way now, but it is still what he mentally expected.  He just thought some things he didn’t need to worry about, I would remind him.

And if I didn’t remind him, he would honestly think that was my fault and not his fault!  

I don’t think it’s good for kids to be too down on themselves, but some things need to be their reaponsibility!  Sigh.  

I am hoping for next year to be smooth, lol, 8th grade is supposed to be similar to 7th grade here, my fingers are crossed.  

[Lecka]

Oh, a new thing this year.... my son got to go on a very fun field trip that he wouldn’t have been allowed to go on with too low of grades (an F).  

He also would have had to go to summer school with an F.  

That was motivating to him.  He didn’t want to go to summer school.  

I don’t know if there are any consequences like that, but those are pretty in-your-face consequences.  

For my son, having his best friend not allowed on the end-of-year field trip said a lot more to him than 1,000 lectures from me.  He had another friend who had to spend every morning at summer school for 6 weeks of summer.  That also made a big impression on my son.

I hate that this is the place we’re at, but this is what means something to him.

His friend who missed the field trip, I think learned from it and wants to do things differently in 8th grade.  That is good for my son to see, too.  

[Frances]

3 hours ago, arctic_bunny said:

I also think he should be independent.... but the teachers seem to think it’s my job to make sure his assignments are done. But how am I supposed to know when one is handed out? They email me when it’s not handed in. By then the paper is MIA. And we’re in a cycle of it must not be important if they’re not emailing mom. I can talk about him being responsible until I’m blue in the face, but....

Anyway, thanks for the link, I’ll have a look in a bit.

My sister struggled with this somewhat when her daughter was in private Catholic elementary school. Her view was that her daughter should be responsible for her HW (always available for help if needed of course), PE clothes, band instrument, sports bag, etc., after they had worked together to develop a system. The teachers seemed to think that the parents should rush to school with forgotten items and always be on top of it. My sister explained her views to her teacher each year, and fortunately it wasn’t too much of an issue since her daughter was generally very responsible. Perhaps the teachers think whatever consequences they are giving at school (poor grades, etc) are not enough and think they need some at home? Or maybe they are just afraid to actually let students experience natural consequences. That seems to be a very common view in society today unfortunately.

[Frances]

1 hour ago, HeighHo said:

 

Is the student not using his planner?  Usually here if the dc is not handing things in he must get his planner filled in and checked off every period of the day.  They don't like making that stop before exiting, so they will eventually accept responsibility and get 'er done.

During the one semester my spent in middle school every student had to have this done every day during study hall. 

[Lecka]

In theory it has to be done.

I had a conversation like this with my sister, and my nieces mostly always did what they were supposed to do.

I told her about problems with my son having his homework brought home and then turning it in.

She told me “oh at my kids’ school they have a folder and they put their papers in their folder at the end of the day, and the teacher walks around and checks.”

Okay, they did that at my son’s school, too!

But did he get his folder in his backpack?  Did he somehow lose a paper?  Did he somehow get home and have the homework assignment written down, but then not know what it meant? Like — page numbers, but unclear what book — and it should have been clear, but he would have no idea.

Really it is one of those things where I agree, all schools (as far as I know) have a system and have some teacher checks, and that works for most kids.

But even with that, there are so many ways for a kid to mess up.  And messing up can be with good intentions and effort, or it can be with an attitude, or it can be a bit of both.  

It is so frustrating.  

There are a lot of moving parts in middle school, there is no getting around it.  

And then as a parent, what will you do if the kid comes home without the planner.  Even if they are supposed to have it, that doesn’t mean it always makes it home.  

At a certain points kids have to make some effort and take some responsibility.  

Or else they may need extra help.

If extra help is needed, if a parent keeps things going, that can just mask the need for extra help.  That is hard also, I have been in that situation, too.  There is organizational help for kids who need it, but kids who look good on paper because their mom is taking care of things, are probably not going to be noticed that way by anyone at school. 

[Lecka]

It’s also worth asking about anxiety or a self-defeating negative attitude.  Those can be major factors.  Maybe a school counselor or resource teacher can help.  

[kiwik]

What exactly is study hall? I remember having a couple of free periods from 5th form (10th grade) but until then we were kept busy all day.

[SKL]

Yeah, my kids really don't get study hall unless they opt out of band or choir.  One of my kids gets tutoring at school so even if she did have a study period, it would probably go for that.

[Lecka]

Yes, my son’s study halls come from not taking band or choir.  He does take a choir/music elective which is different from being in choir. 

Definitely it’s not my choice but it works well for him.  

It is a class of free time where he can do homework or free reading.  

He has been allowed to have study groups with friends in the same class, but that depends on the teacher.  Some teachers think they are not on task, or that kids do it who would be better off working on other homework.

I think the teachers know what is going on with different students.  

Definitely many students wouldn’t dream of it because they want to participate in music.

My son doesn’t enjoy music and has begged me not to make him do it since 5th grade, when he had the first chance to stay with his classroom teacher and chat and catch up on homework, while most of the class went to band or orchestra.  He has loved it from day one, and he is the kind to get a lot out of informal time to chat with teachers.  

[Lecka]

I do think he also does a lot more free reading than many classmates, but definitely it’s at the expense of music.

But he likes free reading and doesn’t want to do music, so.... I think that is an expression of his personality he wants to make, even if I would prefer that he did music, if it were up to me.  

We don’t have the kind of dynamic where I could say “you’re doing music” and he would just go along with it.  

Also my husband says “if he doesn’t want to do music don’t make him do it.”  

Edited August 27, 2018 by Lecka

[vonfirmath]

My son is 6th grade and learning to play trumpet this year. But we're letting him drop choir through church. And we have an agreement to give band a try for one year.

 

[SKL]

Music does take up a lot of time, and it figures into the balance equation.  I do believe that playing and even singing music are good for the development of important academic and life skills.  I also feel the social aspects are important to my girls - especially the one with challenges in academics.  Since they choose to sign up for band and/or choir, I do not discourage it, though I don't insist on the amount of practice they probably should do.  If they wanted to quit band, I think I would push them to continue.

[Lecka]

I definitely think music is great.  My choir conductor’s son runs the high school music program here, and it comes up periodically for me that my oldest son isn’t in any music.  

But he wants to be in anime club, there’s not much I can do about it. 

Anime club is social and fosters a connection to the school, so that part is good.  And they have a grade requirement also.  

[kiwik]

Here Band and Choir are lunchtime or after school things unless you are taking music as an elective subject.  We do 25 hours and they are all programmed.  I think the first year of high school you get one elective but you have to choose one of the options (when I was in high school it was French or woodwork for boys or French or cooking for girls but it is better now - language is still an elective though).