“What do you do for work?” JAWM

[sangtarah]

A normal question, right? Except when asked by your dh! after he has scolded you about not having dinner “planned”! 

Backstory - (we moved a month ago, and haven’t gotten into a routine yet. We have also been out the house a TON due to therapies and errands.) We (whole family) had an outing planned for tonight that we didn’t go to due to weather. The baby was asleep when dh came home and I was rocking her. After an hour she woke up and we started moving toward the kitchen, which proceeded to upset dh, because I hadn’t planned dinner, and I was asking him what he wanted to do. I have dietary restrictions, also, and he mentioned that he is getting tired of eating the types of food I have to eat. So he communicated his expectation that I have sole responsibility of dinners, even when we have previous plans, PLUS I should often make 2, one for myself, and one for everyone else. I mentioned that I have a job, too, even if it’s not paid, and he said the afore mentioned question, “what do you do for work?” ??? I mean, really, does he know so little of my role? After 4 kids?  Counselor, cleaner, cook, teacher, nurse, driver, planner, etc? We had an argument, naturally, but he sort-of apologized and didn’t know how badly he hurt me.

The rest of the evening we didn’t speak much. I cooked, cleaned the kitchen, he noticed the baby was poopy and I changed her then bathed her and the 4 yr old, and got everyone to bed. He went to our room and laid down, and occasionally came out to kinda help. (He normally bathes, and gets them to bed). I just didn’t want to ask for help. 

He tried to smooth it over, like I’ll just forget. He even said “I’m sorry you had such a horrible evening”, but didn’t acknowledge his part in it.

We have a great relationship most of the time, but really? How can he assume I do nothing? Does he really see me like that? Am I so ineffective, unimportant, unseen?  

Edit to add: please don’t quote, as I may delete this tomorrow. ?

Edited August 10, 2018 by sangtarah

[Petrichor]

Sorry ((hugs))

I've had those kinds of days too.  When my mood improves, I chalk it up to maybe he had a bad day, and, if applicable, maybe I was extra sensitive and took things a bit too personally (not saying that was the case in your case, just giving my experience, lol)

Oh and once I've calmed down, I nearly always text him a lecture including details of what I actually do, and how his job is easier because he at least gets that hour of quiet time during his commute, and also isn't responsible for cleaning the office while his coworkers actively dump junk all over the place, AND changing his coworker's diapers 24/7 on demand, AND dealing with their little impulsive mood swings, AND driving them to and making sure they bring all of the equipment for swim class, etc.

Edited August 10, 2018 by Petrichor

[MysteryJen]

I am sorry. I am sure it is a brain blip from your dh. Try to shake it off and start fresh tomorrow. 

Personally I have found that going on a solo vacation resets for dh all that actually gets done in his life.  Even a weekend away makes a difference!

[GinaPagnato]

I'm sorry. Your  DH was rude and insensitive, and had it been me, I would've lost my marbles.

You say you normally have a great relationship, so if this conversation was a fluke, I'd chalk it up to him having a long and stressful day, as well as a bad case of foot-in-mouth disease. 

[Melissa in Australia]

((HUGS))

 

for a while I was working one day a week. after the first few times Of coming home, cleaning the house, cooking, etc running myself into a frazzel because I was trying to do all my regular things PLUS work outside the house I decided I could do the big I work outside the house act too. I came home, sat down and read the paper. Asked everyone what was for tea. Didn't do any house work  and even went and had a lie down. After a while ( a lot longer than I thought it would take, like more than a month) everyone got the point.

 

On a funny note. lately I have had to travel for medical treatment for twin one 400 km each way, involving days away from home. Dh rang me one evening asking what he should do about tea, everyone was hungry and he couldn't think what to make ....um...not my problem.... and the kids should have been fed hours ago.......

[Mama Geek]

If it is out of character, this is one of those times that showing grace towards your dh will go a long way for both you and him.  My dh and I have both had many and various bad days over our 23 years of marriage.  Forgive him even if it takes a day or 2.

[Carrie12345]

I agree that, if this was a fluke, it isn't the end of the world.  Rude, even mean, yes. Sometimes we human say crappy things we don't really mean.  An actual, sincere apology is not an unreasonable expectation. The lack of one would upset me more than the thing that was said.

It'd probably be a good idea to talk to get to the bottom of the cause of the snap. I know that, FOR ME, (and often for dh,) the occasional crappy things that come out of our mouths are usually the worst interpretations of uncommunicated smaller issues.  For example, dh might potentially say something related to me not working because he's been stressing about an unexpected bill or a contract renegotiation. Or I might say something in a too harsh way about him not coming through on a house project b/c I've been exceptionally busy and falling behind in the things I typically deal with and it's stressing me out.

[Katy]

That really stinks.  I'm so sorry.  I'd probably continue to rehash it until he explained exactly what he was thinking - did he really just have a bad day at work, or is he that stupid about the needs of 4 kids when one is an infant and you're in a new place?

I might also go on dinner strike and make it his job. Seriously. As if driving all over town for therapy isn't enough.

I might also ask he sit down and do that math about what it would really cost if you were working and he had to hire someone to drive your kids all over town while also paying for formula and daycare for an infant.  Not that you would actually ever do that, but the last time we added up the salary to hire out everything I do it exceeded my DH's salary. He's always been pretty good about pitching in wherever he needed, but it clarified some things pretty quickly about how my day is filled up.

[Guest]

I’m sorry. I do think it is super duper common for the employed partner to not really understand all that the at home partner does, especially if there are little kids (but seriously - even with teens and young adults!! My dh does not seem to realize all the stuff that goes in to sending one of these kids off to college; it’s a lot to physically do, but it is also a lot of mental strain.) Even my niece, who has only one little bitty baby, was telling me her dh came home from work and asked that ridiculous question about, “well, what have you been doing ALL DAY?” I think sometimes they imagine it’s just a Johnson & Johnson commercial of peaceful naps and little coo sessions. 

I know for me part of the problem is that I have overly high expectations of myself and when something doesn’t work out, I tend to berate my particular failure instead of just realizing that stuff doesn’t always work out perfectly and that’s what take-out is for! (I’m getting better about this as I come in the homestretch towards 50. I care a lot less about having everything perfect for everyone else and if we order pizza tonight because the day was a disaster, OH WELL!) 

I agree with the poster up thread who said a weekend (or preferably longer) with me away does tend to make it more apparent to the rest of the family all the tasks I take care of silently and in the background. When clean clothes don’t just magically appear back in drawers (something I have always done for dh) and pantries and fridges do not just magically refill with milk, bread, lunchmeat, fruit, it does get noticed more.) 

Hugs - hoping it turns out to be a one-off issue. 

[HomeAgain]

And you didn't string him up by his toes?

OP, you have much more restraint than I would have!  ?  My dh knows how deep the role of "justa" goes.  Sure, I'm "justa" mom right now, with a full schedule everyday and managing everyone's schedules. If he decided that it wasn't enough, one of his days off he would find out exactly how much it was because I would be taking off for the day.....or weekend.

[sangtarah]

After a night of reflection, I think it’s some of this: he is in a new position, in charge and used to delegation and “what I say happens”. So extra stress and tiredness, but also some professional role shifting. Food is important to him, he likes it! And there’s always been an underlying issue with why food isn’t magically prepared and cleaned up every work day (he likes to cook on the weekend. I was a horrible cook when we married, but am better now.) He’s been taking his lunch, too, so maybe he is fed up with boring? 

Anyway, when he is tired and stressed, his fallback is to how things “should be”, in this idyllic world in his head. Like when he was a kid. His dad was very “the women do all the things for me” type of guy. 

And OKBud, I have stopped doing many things for him over the years. Laundry, for one. And now I avoid putting his things away, unless they are in my way. So maybe he feels neglected, since I’ve never said why I stopped. It was because I couldn’t do it “just-so” with so many little kiddos, and I got tired of hearing about it. ?

Here’s to a new day with “no mistakes in it”! Hopefully it also brings understanding and empathy! ?

[hjffkj]

That is a man I'd stop preparing meals for. But that is just me. I would have laughed in dh's face and that would have been the end of discussion entirely.

OP, I hope your dh apologizes.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

1 hour ago, Katy said:

 

I might also ask he sit down and do that math about what it would really cost if you were working and he had to hire someone to drive your kids all over town while also paying for formula and daycare for an infant.  Not that you would actually ever do that, but the last time we added up the salary to hire out everything I do it exceeded my DH's salary. He's always been pretty good about pitching in wherever he needed, but it clarified some things pretty quickly about how my day is filled up.

This might be a really good idea.

My DH wanted me to be a SAHM, and he's never changed his mind on that, in 23 years. His job has variable hours and includes some travel, so the family needs full-time homemaker. (With our income level, we can't afford help or a lot of shortcuts to fill the gaps.) Still, he used to make occasional remarks that made me think he didn't really get it. I thought it was obvious - we have four children, some of whom have special medical needs, some have special educational needs, plus I have homeschooled them all without outsourcing...I mean, the idea that all of that just happens, is insane.

Whatever his mental block was, it disappeared after I started sharing the yearly articles about "How much a housewife is worth." He does understand dollars and cents, so he was told how much he'd have to pay for a cook, house cleaner, private tutor, infant and toddler care, disposable diapers, formula, taxi service, personal shopper, secretary...and what really drove it home was when I showed him how much he'd have to pay to have all four of his children in *public* school! School is expensive here, especially when one considers the low ranking and graduation rate. I spend less per child, on homeschool curriculum and materials, to homeschool.

Basically, he can't afford me, and he knows it. After all this time, we have both learned to appreciate each other more. We are a team, and both our roles are essential and a labor of love.

Now, I do believe in division of labor. If it's my job to know what's for dinner every night and make sure it's ready, then (IMHO) it is not good teamwork if I drop that ball. It is my job here and I do not drop the ball. But I will not ever guarantee a home cooked gourmet meal, every night of this family's life. That's impossible. They will have dinner, guaranteed. But if they are disappointed to find that it's omelets and fried potatoes instead of pot roast, or if they feel that the very occasional fast food takeout is beneath them, they may keep their feelings to themselves. 

 

 

[Lang Syne Boardie]

31 minutes ago, sangtarah said:

 

And OKBud, I have stopped doing many things for him over the years. Laundry, for one. And now I avoid putting his things away, unless they are in my way. So maybe he feels neglected, since I’ve never said why I stopped. It was because I couldn’t do it “just-so” with so many little kiddos, and I got tired of hearing about it. ?

 

31 minutes ago, sangtarah said:

 

While you're teaching him the facts of life, you might want to mention this. If you are the one in charge of laundry and housework and cooking, it is his JOB to accept how you do it. That's teamwork. If he doesn't want his shirts folded the way you fold them, then he gets a basketful of unfolded shirts on his dresser. If he hates your cooking, then cook for the children and yourself and leave him to his own devices.

This would be a hill to die on for me. We are not hired servants, or slaves to a king. We are women who CHOOSE to keep the home for our family, and we deserve respect.

[HomeAgain]

33 minutes ago, sangtarah said:

And OKBud, I have stopped doing many things for him over the years. Laundry, for one. And now I avoid putting his things away, unless they are in my way. So maybe he feels neglected, since I’ve never said why I stopped. It was because I couldn’t do it “just-so” with so many little kiddos, and I got tired of hearing about it. ?

Here’s to a new day with “no mistakes in it”! Hopefully it also brings understanding and empathy! ?

This is pretty insightful, and kinder than I would feel at the moment. ?  With 4 kids, I bet it's hard to meet each other's love language every day.

[SamanthaCarter]

There’s good grace filled advice here. I hope today is a better day for both of you, and that you get to address any underlying hurts. 

Sounds like dh had a bad case of the hangries! 

[Garga]

Since the relationship is good otherwise and since it sounds like he spoke harsher than he meant, it might be a good idea to sit down and talk about this one.  What Tibbie says quoted below, is probably a good point to bring up...but in a gentle tone.  Not defensive or shrill.  But point out that you’re not a hired cook or a housekeeper.  You’re a grown woman who has chosen to sacrifice her own career and advancement for the family.  And just like your DH wouldn’t want someone telling him how to do his job, neither do you.  

6 minutes ago, Tibbie Dunbar said:

This would be a hill to die on for me. We are not hired servants, or slaves to a king. We are women who CHOOSE to keep the home for our family, and we deserve respect.

 

And food is a tricky one.  My dh went on a low sodium diet for his health, and I’m a picky eater.  So...there is a lot of extra prep going on in my house to accomodate everyone’s needs.  But note: my dh prepares his own lunches on the weekend.  He pulls out the instapot and makes brown rice and chicken meals, etc, for his lunches.  He gets his own breakfast.  I worry about dinner, and there are plenty of times I end up cooking two dinners.  But, this is a team effort.  He handles his own breakfast and lunch, and I handle dinner, just because I’m in the house at the right time to cook the food for when we’re hungry in the evening.

And if really necessary, take off for a 4-day weekend and let him deal with the kids alone.  He can use his vacation time to relax (ha!) at home.  

[mmasc]

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that he likes food. I think it makes a huge difference in attitude towards the whole dinner thing (not that that makes it ok though!) My BFF’s husband likes food so that’s always a major thing...what’s for dinner? When are we buying groceries? I’m making this new recipe for dinner. (He does cook though)Etc etc etc. But my point is that my DH just eats to survive. He would enjoy it if I grilled steaks, but wouldn’t bat an eye at cereal for dinner. I’m rambling and have no idea if this insight is helpful, I just think it’s very common with that ‘I like food a lot’ crowd. But your DH owes you a big, sincere apology and not that crappy ‘sorry you had a bad day’ pretend apology kind!

[DawnM]

Through the years we had our spats about things.  The truth is, HE is the one who wanted me to be a SAHM.  I NEVER wanted to be at home.  Anytime he made comments like that to me, I would respond with, "I can go back to work and earn money to pay someone to clean, etc....."  He usually backed off.

 

[elegantlion]

((hugs)) I'm sorry. 

[wintermom]

The first responsibility for yourself that you listed was "counselor." Not wife or mother, but counselor. What do you mean by that? Do you feel like you are in the regular role of psycho-therapist within your marriage, rather than a partnership of equals?

Edited August 10, 2018 by wintermom

[Rachel]

I’m so sorry!

If this is out of his norm, vent here. If he’s always like this it may be time for you to go visit a friend or family member for a few days. Although that did sort of backfire on me once. I got home and so much was done around the house that I burst into tears and told my husband he was a better stay at home mom than me. Later it was revealed no kids had brushed their teeth, no one made beds, piano practice was forgotten, no reading had happened, and I’m sure there was more  that hadn’t gotten done.  It was helpful for both of us to see that it’s hard to do everything all the time around the house.

 

Edited August 10, 2018 by Rachel

[sangtarah]

45 minutes ago, wintermom said:

The first responsibility for yourself that you listed was "counselor." Not wife or mother, but counselor. What do you mean by that? Do you feel like you are in the regular role of psycho-therapist within your marriage, rather than a partnership of equals?

 

Hmm, interesting observation. I think it came out first because one of my dc needs a lot of emotional support right now -  maybe an anxiety disorder? Some days we are fine, some I’m drained from getting this dc through the day. 

[SKL]

Sounds to me like you both had a rough day and he took his out on you a bit.  (I say that because it seems odd for him to be testy about you not having dinner ready when you were supposed to eat out.)

Though, there are people who just get crabby when hungry.  I have that a lot in my family (self included).  Not really an excuse, I know.

Good luck.  I hope today is better.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I have gotten a few frozen dinners that my husband likes for days like that. “Where’s food?  Open the freezer. “. I am still fulfilling my (mostly chosen) role of providing the meals on days like that.   I might not have cooked it from scratch, but I hunted it and gathered it. ?

[wintermom]

1 hour ago, sangtarah said:

 

Hmm, interesting observation. I think it came out first because one of my dc needs a lot of emotional support right now -  maybe an anxiety disorder? Some days we are fine, some I’m drained from getting this dc through the day. 

That makes sense. When you are both parent and teacher for children, there is a lot of pressure to try to provide for all their needs on your own. Maybe some extra support in this area would be beneficial?

Having a spouse who is acting more like a fully-capable adult rather than a child waiting to be fed would be helpful in a partnership marriage. If he requires more support in the feeding/laundry/cleaning area than you can or want to provide, then bring this up directly with him. 

Edited August 10, 2018 by wintermom

[SquirrellyMama]

I'm sorry ? 

My dh once told me since I was a SAHM, I should STAY at HOME more often. I laughed, and told him that wasn't happening. I loved field trips with the kids when they were younger, and could not be cooped up in the house all day every day. 

I also do like someone else suggested, and have freezer meals when we don't have a plan or it all falls apart. Maybe a snack in the cupboard for when he comes home if dinner is late. My dh tells me that my stomach takes over my brain sometimes ?

Kelly

[Liz CA]

5 hours ago, Katy said:

That really stinks.  I'm so sorry.  I'd probably continue to rehash it until he explained exactly what he was thinking - did he really just have a bad day at work, or is he that stupid about the needs of 4 kids when one is an infant and you're in a new place?

I might also go on dinner strike and make it his job. Seriously. As if driving all over town for therapy isn't enough.

I might also ask he sit down and do that math about what it would really cost if you were working and he had to hire someone to drive your kids all over town while also paying for formula and daycare for an infant.  Not that you would actually ever do that, but the last time we added up the salary to hire out everything I do it exceeded my DH's salary. He's always been pretty good about pitching in wherever he needed, but it clarified some things pretty quickly about how my day is filled up.

 

It's tempting, isn't it? I wonder if he is one of those guys who gets hangry - angry when hungry? Could it have been that simple?

[RootAnn]

I'm very blessed that DH stayed home with dd#1 (definitely most challenging kid) for the first 18 months of her life. He totally gets it.

That said, there are bad days (his & mine). Sounds like you guys could use some time off together. Since that will probably not happen, do try to carve out some time to talk about things (expectations, duties). It does help to make a list of the normal things you do so he understands your job better.

Now, I could rant about people (esp. other women) who dismiss you as a loser when they find out you don't do paid work outside the home.  

[SereneHome]

Wow, some of the responses are pretty harsh.  It must be  coming from women who never said anything hurtful or something they didn't fully mean to their husbands.

Since I am not so perfect, and have said things like "you don't do anything around here" or "you don't finish any projects", I would try to give grace first and get all offended later.

And actually, theoretically, it should be easier for me to understand what my husband's days are like bc I did work for over 15 yrs and know all about deadlines and crappy bosses and a slew of other things that come from having an outside job.   My husband has never stayed home with the kids except for may be half a day or something. So if he does say something that might seem offensive or hurtful, I try to understand where it's coming from first.

But as a side note - my husband knows that I didn't quit my VERY well paying job to do housework.  I did it bc he wanted to homeschool our kids.  If our kids were going to regular school, I would be working many more hours than I do right now.

[Kanin]

21 hours ago, OKBud said:

Good luck today ? And all the rest of the days! Being married is so annoying sometimes. 

 

That gave me a laugh! Thanks ? 

[SereneHome]

4 hours ago, OKBud said:

 

Well, yours *is* the Serene Home ?

I think you'd find that most of these responses come from people with much experience giving grace first, were you privy to all the background info and not just the practical/amusing bits put out there to encourage the OP. 

 

I wish!!!! ?  We are all a mess!

May be I am just reacting to have heard this so many time from women who don't have jobs outside of home - how their partners don't value what they do.  Or may be I am just tired of all those yahoo and HuffPost articles about how woman who stays home really has 1000 jobs and her salary should be a million dollars. Or may be I am just tired of hearing /seeing women complain about husbands all.the.time.  Or may be I wasn't very serene this week  ? 

I just can't believe that THAT many husbands, who obviously agreed on their wives staying home, are such jerks that they say means and offensive things for no reason.

Oh and for full disclosure - something similar happened to me once when my youngest was 3 months old and my oldest was 3 yrs old and middle one was 1.5.  My husband had gone out of town for 4 days and I didn't know a single person for 400 miles so had no help.  He came back and made a comment about a pot not being washed from the time he left.  I went ballistic on him. There was no grace.  But looking back, yeas later, I can see how he really couldn't understand why I didn't wash a pot in 4 days. There were other instances where his words might have seen super offensive, but the thing is - HE wanted SAHM, HE wanted to homeschool and I KNOW that is very grateful that I do what I do.  And I have to believe that other husbands are grateful as well.  Does this makes sense?

Anywhooooo.....

[lmrich]

Sorry you feel so unappreciated. 

While it is tempting to ignore his comments and just hope for a better day, I really think you need to talk to him calmly. You do not need to justify your work to him. You need to let hime that you very hurt by his comments. You are hurt that he does not value you. 

The fact is raising a family is hard. It is messy. It takes endless compromise. 

A little hint for dealing with hungry men and teens... make a veggie or fruit plate. When I know I have a crazy week ahead and, escpecially when I have company, I make a veggie tray and put it out so folks can munch on that and take away some hunger pains. You can make it easier, and just set out peanuts or crackers and cheese. Having dinner on the table when he walks through the door is just not going to happen most nights. 

[LucyStoner]

Even if you agreed to have dinner be your exclusive responsibility, everyone needs a pinch hitter sometimes.  

I second the suggestion to talk to him about it after everyone has cooled off.  Sometimes the things people say when they are upset are things that they do, on some level, think or believe.  He needs to examine and discard this attitude.  

He's also foolish to insult someone WHO PREPARES HIS FOOD.   Not that I am proposing poisoning him...yet.  

 

 

[kbutton]

I would have been over the top upset at that. I have food issues, and I take my kids to lots of appointments. I do not like having my schedule slashed into bits and pieces of time all day--it's not the way my brain works. I get more accomplished with blocks of time. All of that is super frustrating to me by itself. To have someone criticize on top of that...

In our house, when something like that gets said (in either direction), it's usually part of an ongoing struggle we have with doing vs. deciding. Sometimes people get decision fatigue or doing fatigue even when both parties are contributing effort and work--not all tasks require the same mental/emotional drain, nor are all tasks at the same level of difficulty. 

I have a very inconvenient list of things I can't eat, and I find making dinner to be demoralizing. It feels completely pointless at times to even try to eat reasonably healthy and well. If I got that kind of response about food, I would be nearly irreversibly hurt. It would be like having my DH say that since I was in a wreck and had my leg amputated, he wanted a woman with two legs now. A lot of the food I can't eat is food I also can't touch (or breath if it's in the air), or I have to worry about cross-contamination. My list of food problems is a moving target as well. Not to mention the volume of pots, pans, and "air traffic control"for stove space required to make two meals. It's a line he'd never cross. 

I don't handle disrespect well though, so YMMV. 

[maize]

Sounds to me like dad has just planned his next vacation: taking over ALL of your responsibilities for a week.

You get to leave the house every day during the hours he is usually at work. Don't do any more of the stuff he does when home than he does.

Sometimes a person has to experience something to understand.

[Rosie_0801]

It'd be tempting to spam him with texts all day about what you are doing, wouldn't it?

[Murphy101]

2 hours ago, maize said:

Sounds to me like dad has just planned his next vacation: taking over ALL of your responsibilities for a week.

You get to leave the house every day during the hours he is usually at work. Don't do any more of the stuff he does when home than he does.

Sometimes a person has to experience something to understand.

 

Seriously. She needs to go on a girls weekend or week. Dh can get a taste of being the at home parent.

[LMD]

Ah, 4th baby and moved house. That flashes me back...

:grouphug: hope today is better sangtarah

[Guest]

4 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

It'd be tempting to spam him with texts all day about what you are doing, wouldn't it?

Mmmmm hmmmm....

[Guest]

I don’t think there’s much here that’s harsh. I mean, some of the things I *could* say...

And look, I don’t think any of us are perfect. Sometimes the problem is I’m snippy and irritable. Sometimes it is that he is. I was just thinking today how parties bring out the critic in my dh. I mean, that is when he just nit-picks every dang thing; “Really? You bought potato salad rather than make it from scratch?...This is not enough ice for drinks...Vegan brownies?...why do the cucumbers have a slotted spoon? Don’t you think people want the juice?” God, it doesn’t end until guests arrive. But then, weirdly, once the party is finished and everyone goes home, he affirms that it was very nice and everyone seemed to have a good time and I really put a lot of effort into these things and he thinks it’s very impressive! 

I think it is something to do with his own insecurities that our party won’t be quite up to snuff and honestly, he hails from a critical food-snobby family. So maybe that’s it. I’m glad my side of the family is very “meh - whatever” about the food. 

I’m rambling now...turns out I wanted to talk about that. 

[Lang Syne Boardie]

9 minutes ago, Quill said:

I don’t think there’s much here that’s harsh. I mean, some of the things I *could* say...

And look, I don’t think any of us are perfect. Sometimes the problem is I’m snippy and irritable. Sometimes it is that he is. I was just thinking today how parties bring out the critic in my dh. I mean, that is when he just nit-picks every dang thing; “Really? You bought potato salad rather than make it from scratch?...This is not enough ice for drinks...Vegan brownies?...why do the cucumbers have a slotted spoon? Don’t you think people want the juice?” God, it doesn’t end until guests arrive. But then, weirdly, once the party is finished and everyone goes home, he affirms that it was very nice and everyone seemed to have a good time and I really put a lot of effort into these things and he thinks it’s very impressive! 

I think it is something to do with his own insecurities that our party won’t be quite up to snuff and honestly, he hails from a critical food-snobby family. So maybe that’s it. I’m glad my side of the family is very “meh - whatever” about the food. 

I’m rambling now...turns out I wanted to talk about that. 

 

Oh, Lord. After two or three occurrences of that, I'd be setting up a "Suggestions" box in the kitchen, as the silent (and only) receptacle for opinions or questions during party prep!

[KungFuPanda]

On 8/10/2018 at 12:07 AM, sangtarah said:

A normal question, right? Except when asked by your dh! after he has scolded you about not having dinner “planned”! 

Backstory - (we moved a month ago, and haven’t gotten into a routine yet. We have also been out the house a TON due to therapies and errands.) We (whole family) had an outing planned for tonight that we didn’t go to due to weather. The baby was asleep when dh came home and I was rocking her. After an hour she woke up and we started moving toward the kitchen, which proceeded to upset dh, because I hadn’t planned dinner, and I was asking him what he wanted to do. I have dietary restrictions, also, and he mentioned that he is getting tired of eating the types of food I have to eat. So he communicated his expectation that I have sole responsibility of dinners, even when we have previous plans, PLUS I should often make 2, one for myself, and one for everyone else. I mentioned that I have a job, too, even if it’s not paid, and he said the afore mentioned question, “what do you do for work?” ??? I mean, really, does he know so little of my role? After 4 kids?  Counselor, cleaner, cook, teacher, nurse, driver, planner, etc? We had an argument, naturally, but he sort-of apologized and didn’t know how badly he hurt me.

The rest of the evening we didn’t speak much. I cooked, cleaned the kitchen, he noticed the baby was poopy and I changed her then bathed her and the 4 yr old, and got everyone to bed. He went to our room and laid down, and occasionally came out to kinda help. (He normally bathes, and gets them to bed). I just didn’t want to ask for help. 

He tried to smooth it over, like I’ll just forget. He even said “I’m sorry you had such a horrible evening”, but didn’t acknowledge his part in it.

We have a great relationship most of the time, but really? How can he assume I do nothing? Does he really see me like that? Am I so ineffective, unimportant, unseen?  

Edit to add: please don’t quote, as I may delete this tomorrow. ?

It might be time to have a conversation with tour DH about “work hours” and how dinner falls outside of those times. I’m assuming you are tending to and feeding the kids plus making a dent in the housework during his 9-5 all while being CONSTANTLY interrupted. 

Evening (including dinner) and weekend work definitely fall into the overtime category. He needs to be willing to split that stuff 50-50 or, at the very least, learn not to complain while you’re shouldering HIS share of this load. 

What you DON’T want to do is get a good night’s rest then start making excuses for him because it’s easier than dealing with the problem. You do not want to become his default setting for everything he doesn’t feel like doing. Nobody FEELS like pulling an evening shift after a long day.