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fairfarmhand
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If something happened to your dh would you stay in your current home? Would you stay in your area but swap houses? Would it make a difference if your kids were older or younger? Do you have enough life insurance to be able to afford your current home?

i would stay here regardless of my kids ages. My dad doesn’t stay put so I’m not moving to be near him. That’d be pointless because he’d move them. My dh has a brother and mom In the area In which he grew up but I have no desire to live there. I know no one besides those family members there.

This area is home to me. Lots of friends that I love. In an emergency, I’d call them before my family! My kids want to stay in this area. Economically it’s veey good here so they can if they want. 

As far as the house, we have the insurance to stay here. I’d sell most of my critters because I don’t want them bad enough to learn to take care of them. But I could have a few.

so yes. I’d stay put if something happened to dh.

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I would probably stay here because we bought a smaller house with everything on the same level.  However, right now that house needs a lot of work.  If I had kids that moved far away (most of mine are adults) then I'd be very tempted to move close to them.  That's partly because I'd want to be near them and partly because I've never lived out of this county and I've *always* wanted to move away.   Of course, I'm in my 50s now.. so it's easier to seriously contemplate that.  If I were in my 70s, I'd probably think differently. 

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Probably. The house is almost paid off and we have enough life insurance for us to live on until youngest DD graduates. Not sure what I'd want to do after that. I couldn't keep up with rhe outdoor maintenance very easily, but the thought of moving from the place where all our memories with DH are isn't appealing at all either.

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This is an all too real a consideration for me, as DH was diagnosed with stage IV cancer last year. He's currently doing well, still . . . 

I think I would stay here, at least until our boys (now 19 and 22) settled somewhere. Although nowadays people move so much it's difficult/impossible to know that anyone has settled, or even if there is such a thing anymore. Just like with your dad--it wouldn't make any sense to uproot myself and go through the expense of moving near one of them if they then moved again in a year or three.

Plus all of our family is close by, as well as my small but close group of lifelong friends.

I think eventually I might downsize  to a townhouse or condo, but I'm not sure. Financially and for my peace/contentment it would probably make more sense to hold on to this house and pay people to do stuff (lawn service, house cleaner, etc.). Thankfully I wouldn't have to base decisions much on finances.

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Just now, Pawz4me said:

This is an all too real a consideration for me, as DH was diagnosed with stage IV cancer last year. He's currently doing well, still . . . 

 

I'm so sorry you are living with DH's diagnosis hanging over your head! I hope he continues to do well.

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I am suddenly single parenting it and I am strongly looking at moving.  This house is far too big to maintain long term and it is a wonderful could try location....but that means no transportation for my 3 special needs young adults who won't ever drive.

I am looking at smaller houses about 10 minutes away where there is public door to door bus service.

 

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I'd stay for at least a while.  This area isn't my home but we do have everything set up for the kids. I don't believe in making major life decisions for at least 6 months after grief starts, and ideally 3+ years. At that point I'd think it would be more difficult to leave the area.

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My first response is to say I would want to go back home, but honestly I don't even know where that is any more. We convinced our parents to move here last year so I doubt I would move from this area. 

We are trying to get this house ready to sell.  So I do know I would move pretty quick to something in town with less upkeep.  I have enough life insurance to manage that.  However, my biggest consideration would be dss.....he is a senior and I don't know what he would do.  He very likely would want to stay here for a number of reasons.  

 

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Since we are living overseas due to my husbands job, if he died we would have to leave the country in a certain amount of time, so no I wouldn't stay. This is something that has crossed my mind and I know there is insurance to take cover the move, etc. I still don't really know where I would go. But if we were living in a house of this size in the US, I would downsize. This is way too much for one person to take care of and I would probably want to feel free to travel and see family after the last child left for university. 

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When I got divorced, I knew staying in my previous house long-term was not viable. Ex already had to commute at least 30 minutes for work (40+ highway miles), something I didn't want to do, and there were no sustainable jobs in our small town. 

I stayed there longer than I would have, except my dad got sick and the house was right in the middle between my school and their house. My dad was sick for a couple of years before he passed away. My mom and I moved into a new house together less than a year later, one closer to my school. 

 

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I'd stay put at least until the kids were out of the house in about nine years. I already do most of the yard work, but I'd probably pay someone to finish up a few projects -- some new gutters, a new roof, a deck off the back of the house.  My ds, 20, wants to buy this house when we're finished with it, so I'd hold onto it until he's ready to decide if that's what he really wants. By that time, he may have someone else in his life who'd need to agree with the decision.:)  If he's not married with a pile of kids, this house would be ridiculous for him at 5,000 sq. ft and 5 acres. 

I wouldn't have to worry about finances.

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I would stay in the area for sure - my family is mostly here.  I think I would sell the house and probably go for something with less maintenance all round. I am not that handy and I just feel too busy to do the yard work by myself, especially if I am working.  That could change if the kids were a lot older and able to help more.

I think what I might do is move a little closer to my mom and sister in the city.  My uncle lives in a housing co-op a block from my mom, I might try for a flat there when one comes up.  Alternately I might think about getting a place with my sister.

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I always said that if DH wasn't in the picture, we'd stay in the area but sell the house. Our friends are here. It was big with an acre of land. It was great when the kids were young, but that's too much for adults and commuting college students doing all of the work themselves.

So I was fine when DH moved away and later said the house needed to be sold because he wasn't returning to the area. It was a gut-wrenching sale, but we got it done.

Our rental is still a little bigger than I'd like, but it is in a great neighborhood and has a yard for the dog. We likely will move again down the road to something even smaller.

Edited by G5052
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NOPE!  NO WAY!  This house requires a lot of outdoor work (acres to mow and not a flat yard).  When we moved here I said very adamantly that the outdoor work was his, 100%, if he chose acreage, that was HIS choice, but I would be happier on 1/4-1/2 acre, flat surface, etc....or a townhouse.  

If something happened to him, a for sale sign would go up before I planned the funeral (not really, but you get my drift.)

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I don’t think my current house is likely to be my old age home because it’s two story and has a sunken living room. Given that falls are a HUGE factor in elder decline, I don’t see this being an option at some point.

But I do really like the area we live in. It’s close to everything I or the kids need and want. Close enough to walk if necessary, but there’s not sidewalks to make it as safe as I’d like.

Whether my husband is alive or not, wouldn’t change those factors.  If all my kids were grown, it might, but how major that would be would depend on where the majority of my grown children live.   If they still live close enough to visit, I’d like to just move to a one story 2-3 bedroom house within 5-8 miles of here so that I have room for company to stay sometimes and am still near all the things that enjoy going to. Church, yarn stores, friends, medical facilities, shopping needs, social events, libraries...

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I'd stay put for awhile but probably not forever.  We have 10 acres and a 6 bedroom 5 bath house which is wonderful for a family of 7 but as the kids are growing up and moving out it would be too much for just me. We also currently have 12 cows, they would definitely go. Two might be okay but 12, just no.  When we built this house we did plan for our old age.  Master bedroom and everything else we'd need is on main floor, we would actually never have to go upstairs if we didn't want to so we can stay if we want.  

Kids think I should stay here forever since we all physically contributed to building the house and this is where they all grew up, but honestly the house is going to feel huge this fall when we only have two kids left at home with one or two others just coming home on school vacation and our oldest moved out almost two years ago.

I tell the kids that someday we might downsize to something smaller and easier to manage.  If dh isn't with me I'd like a smaller house on a large lot.  Dh loves acerage and his cows so smaller house is probably in future but don't know about less land.

Hopefully I won't be faced with this decision and dh will continue to be with me for many, many more years.

 

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I would need to work full time at something and stay until kids were done with the local school system.  Then I would get out of this state. I would try to move about 40 minutes north, across the state border.  This is our plan anyway and I wouldn’t change it. If it weren’t for the school involvement we would probably go sooner.  

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Nope. I don't even want to live here now. We have enough life insurance that I could buy wherever within reason, so I'd probably move near my mom. My brother also lives near her and I know I'd have lots of support there. Here, we still haven't even found a good babysitter for date nights. 

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If something happened to dh today, I would stay in this house until dd2 graduates from high school. Then, I don't know. ds3 might want to move. If he wanted to stay until he graduated, we could do that. Then, I would probably rent out the house and live with dmil until I figured out what to do. But I would not stay in the area permanently.

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I'd probably sell the house and move to an apartment or condo. Something with much less maintenance and memories. If it had happened when DD was younger, we probably would have moved closer to my parents. Now, we might be stuck until she finishes high school/at the community college, and I may be stuck in-state until she finishes undergrad depending on where she wants to go.

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As I said in the other thread, no I would not stay here. This house is too big and the property and garage would not make sense without dh. Even currently, I would prefer to be in a smaller house with less property, but that does not meet dh’s needs. He has to be able to keep heavy equipment, so that rules out a lot of neighborhood-type places. 

We do have enough life insurance to stay here but I would not consider it a good use of life insurance disbursements to stay here. In my imagination, I figure a few immediate goals would be to gain help from his brothers and friends to sell his tools, toys and equipment. Once those things were liquidated, I would seek to sell this house and the buildable lots we own. There is a good chance I would move into one of our rentals that I like, assuming it were available or coming available to rent. 

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My house is paid off.

I am not married, but I'm one of 5 people (including 3 middle aged adults) who live here.  Whichever adult outlives the other two owns the house at that point.  There is no foreseeable reason for me to move out as long as I can live independently.

Yes, my house is bigger than I would need if I lived alone.  My kids may remain here, but if not, I could just stop using the upstairs.  Or just enjoy the space.  Whatever.  If I needed the money, I could sell, but right now I don't foresee the need.

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42 minutes ago, dmmetler said:

Now, we might be stuck until she finishes high school/at the community college, and I may be stuck in-state until she finishes undergrad depending on where she wants to go.

 

Yes, in-state tuition is a biggie for us. I have a relative who offered their guest house long-term, but it's a bit in the boonies (she couldn't get home health care when she had a knee replaced). The nearest state college of note is 90 minutes away on a good day.

Mine go to a solid CC and then commute to a state school with the specialized programs they want. It's a no brainer to stay here just for that.

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I've often felt a pull to move to try out living in a different location, but the longer I stay here the more I appreciate it. I'd probably stay in this house, and for sure this city. There are so many wonderful opportunities for the kids and I, and we have loads of family and friends. It would be really hard to leave.

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51 minutes ago, SKL said:

My house is paid off.

I am not married, but I'm one of 5 people (including 3 middle aged adults) who live here.  Whichever adult outlives the other two owns the house at that point.  There is no foreseeable reason for me to move out as long as I can live independently.

Yes, my house is bigger than I would need if I lived alone.  My kids may remain here, but if not, I could just stop using the upstairs.  Or just enjoy the space.  Whatever.  If I needed the money, I could sell, but right now I don't foresee the need.

 

My husband’s grandparents had a beautiful 2 story home for 40 years and she just stopped using the upstairs 20 years ago. She cleaned it out except for beds and empty dresser and nightstands in each room.  She pairs maid service to go clean it once a month and if family stays they take their towels and sheets upstairs and bring them back down before leaving. Her downstairs is quite spacious and elder friendly so this worked for her until her oldest son and husband died. Now it’s just her 14 hours away from her only surviving child. So her plan is to sell and move her in with my in laws, who seem amendable to that. 

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I'd stay for a while and would try to decide if to stay in this county or move closer to the nearby larger city. Since I work and have no kids living at home any longer, a condo / townhouse would be enough unless I could find a small cottage type house. I would like a little bit of yard for some gardening (just basic veggie plot or even pots and some nice flowers for color) and for the dog. I think I may want to have a dog for company but my back does not allow for extensive yard work so I would have to hire a mow & blow company or something similar. Also, as I am aging being a little closer to public transportation may be a wise thing for those times when you are not supposed to drive yourself after some medical procedure. 

I am not one to base my decision where to live on where children live. They could move at any time and I like the area where I am. Hot summers but no snow in winter which makes getting around easier.

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1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

This is a depressing thread!

 

 

In a way, yeah, but I think it is smart to think through these things. For myself, I have thought about this in past because my dh has dangerous hobbies and in part because he is 8 years older than me. Statistically speaking, he is the more likely of us to die first. 

There was a thread a while back called, “Ladies, protect yourselves!” Or something like that and, while it is a sad subject to consider, I thought that was a great thread. If I could search worth a darn I would probably re-read it. 

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24 minutes ago, Thatboyofmine said:

This house (very small, 1150 sqft, one level, updated everything except bathrooms, excellent condition, best location) would be ideal for me to stay in.   This town is nice, good community, safe.  The location is ideal, 1.5 hrs west to in laws, 1.5 hrs southeast to my parents.    Annnndddddd, I’d still pack my stuff and go.   The hospital system here sucks and it colors everything I think about this area.  If ds wanted the house, I’d sell it to him for peanuts.  If not, I’d call a realtor and start packing up.   We don’t have ties to this town, no real memories to speak of, I have no friends (here or anywhere), so I wouldn’t think twice.   I’d move to where my mom lives, at the beach.    My preference would be for ds and gf to come with me and we’d find a suitable house/apt/condo for the three of us, but who knows.  

But, all that said, I wouldn’t do anything until ds turned 18, so another year.  

And I agree that this stuff is depressing, but it’s something we need to force ourselves to consider.  My dh has a chronic, lifelong illness and smoked for 20 years (quit about five years ago).  Heart problems run in his family.  While I also have a chronic illness, the chances are he will go first.   Being a homemaker, this is something that does weigh on my mind.  

I would move to the beach too if I were you!  

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We do have to have a plan.  I remember when a co-workers husband dropped dead suddenly at age 37.  He left a wife and three kids 5, 7 and 9.  She had no idea if he had life insurance, she had no idea where he banked....it was crazy!  I have always had an idea of what I would do if I was widowed....but it does get scarier as I get older....but at least I don't have little kids to care for. 

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We have enough life insurance to pay off the house and let me go for a more family-friendly degree. So, financially we're set unless something unusual and catastrophic happens. My impulse would be to uproot everything and move closer to family, which I'm pretty sure is a terrible idea - family could move, some people are toxic, and the kids are getting to an age where I believe uprooting would be harmful. I would force myself to hunker down for at least a few years, and get myself to a financial planner who can lay out the situation unemotionally (since the money wouldn't get me through the rest of my life).

It's possible I'd stay in this house until the kids are grown, but I think it's too large to live in all alone. I'm also not keen on taking care of the yard and garden by myself. I'd be more comfortable in a smaller house or condo. I don't know where. I have friends in this town and I'm laying down roots, but I don't have so many friends and roots that I couldn't get the same thing elsewhere.

I do think about these things a lot because as soon as DH and I got home from our honeymoon, a friend of his family, a newlywed, died in a car crash, along with her baby. Our marriage started out with a keen awareness of just how fragile life is, and even newlyweds and new parents aren't immune.

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I also think about this and always have bc dh has a severe allergy to sulfites, which can be in lots of foods, used to clean factory equipment, process corn products and he is allergic below the reporting threshold (not to mention it is sometimes illegally sprayed on salad bars and some fishermen go out into international waters to use it on fish). 

Unfortunately, the house we actually live in is tied to his job.  I am sure that we wouldn't have to immediately leave.  We do have "enough" insurance that I could probably finish homeschooling through our youngest child.  I think, at the moment, I would move in with MIL.  While I would prefer moving in with my Mom, she live in a HCOL area and probably wouldn't appreciate all of us descending upon her.  Perhaps after the first 2 are out of the house and dd is older (and she'll be in her 80s) we could actually be a help.  MIL lives in a rural area and I didn't love it when we lived with her for 7 months once.  But she would probably love to have us.  We own rental property in that town which would be a small income or I could pay off one of the houses and live in it (but again, ack!  I hated living there)

Really there is no good plan.  The kids would be so devasted by both the death of their Dad and having to uproute to a completely different area than they had ever lived in before.

And I'm trouble accessing my online banking account and, although we go over where all the financial stuff is, my bandwidth has a hard time retaining it all.  The learning curve would be huge at a stressful time.  Ihave to go in with ds to change his acct to a college acct tomorrow, so I am going to fix my online acct problem.

Now I'm depressed too

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If something happened now or the immediate future I'd likely stay put for a while at least, this is home to the kids, they've always lived here. I might eventually move closer to town to have a smaller yard and less upkeep, IDK. I'd probably look at using some insurance money for further education/training in a field that pays more because I'd have to figure out a job at some point. We have no debt, decent life insurance, and retirement but not enough for forever. My first crazy thought was that I'd take us all on a big vacation. I've said for awhile if we/I came into a pile of cash I'm going on a nice vacation before anything else, I don't care how irresponsible it is.

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We just moved into this home this spring, to position ourselves in the school district that we want our younger children to attend. My youngest are in seventh grade this year, so I would stay in this home at least through their high school graduation. It's a large house for one person, so if they all end up moving out, I would downsize eventually. I'm not sure they will all go to college, so it could possibly be quite a few years before I would be alone here.

I despise moving, and it will only be more difficult the older I am, so I would try to wait until I knew where my children were settling into their own homes, in case they end up far away, and then move into a home nearby that I could stay in indefinitely. I would consider a retirement community, because I think planned group activities would be good for me and give me regular social interaction when living alone (I'm an introvert, so I tend to hunker down and not reach out to others).

I am also a likely candidate for Alzheimer's, unfortunately, based on genetics, so it would be wise for me to live somewhere I could have continuity of care. And to choose that for myself, so that my kids don't have to. (If DH outlives me, our Plan A is to hire in-home nursing care, but I would not expect my children to fulfill that wish).

I'll be 50 this spring. If I were 30, my plans would be different.

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34 minutes ago, Plum Crazy said:

 

A vacation isn't irresponsible. I'd probably want to rent a cabin with the kids and regroup.  

See I would totally do this, but I'd hack off every member of our extended family because I'd haul myself and my kids someplace warm and sandy for the whole Christmas holiday because there would be NO WAY I'd want to be at home at Christmas or (worse) at anyone else's home. I'm someone who doesn't want to have a bunch of people around me when I'm sad/upset/grieving. (Funerals and viewings are brutal for me when I'm close to the deceased because really, I just want to sit quietly in a rocker at home) I cope much better with space, so yeah. a Vacation in a quiet place would be an excellent use of funds after a death.

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8 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I would definitely move. Plus, I wouldn’t have a choice. I am not a full time employee and we get faculty housing through dh. There is actually no lease. To be kind I’m sure they would try to be fair about how many days I had to get out. 

I would probably be forced to stay with relatives and then go to work full time or help my parents in some other way to contribute/relieve a financial burden (ie offer to fill the role of Mom’s twice a week caregiver. Drive my aunt around. Grocery shop). Honestly I can’t even think about it because my aunt moved in with them and now there’s no space for all of us. When I used to visit sometimes dd and I would share the guest room with a double bed (either in the bed or pack n play) and ds would sleep in the room with the twin. Now my aunt is in the room with a double and if push came to shove maybe we could put a twin in there and move my aunt to the other room but ugh what a mess. They do own a full size futon as well that is set up as a couch. So yeah if times were desperate maybe we would rearrange rooms. 

Do you not have life insurance? 

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1 hour ago, fairfarmhand said:

See I would totally do this, but I'd hack off every member of our extended family because I'd haul myself and my kids someplace warm and sandy for the whole Christmas holiday because there would be NO WAY I'd want to be at home at Christmas or (worse) at anyone else's home. I'm someone who doesn't want to have a bunch of people around me when I'm sad/upset/grieving. (Funerals and viewings are brutal for me when I'm close to the deceased because really, I just want to sit quietly in a rocker at home) I cope much better with space, so yeah. a Vacation in a quiet place would be an excellent use of funds after a death.

I’m fully aware that this would be selfish but I doubt I’d care much. 

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Just now, heartlikealion said:

We do but I wasn’t factoring that in or where I’d live in the long run. I don’t really like Mississippi that much but both sets of the kids’ grandparents are here.

Yeah but you wouldn’t necessarily have to live with them if you had enough money. Staying in the area yes. But moving in—sounds almost impossible.

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Dh is retiring next year and we’re moving back to Georgia. If something happened to him I’d move to south Florida to be near the grandkids. I have no desire to live in Florida but without dh my whole life would be altered and being near the grands so I could help Dd with babysitting and homeschooling would be be a good thing. Money would not be an issue. 

Scarlett, you’re right- this is depressing to read!!

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Yes, I would stay.  Our life insurance is enough to pay off the mortgage and do a little work on the house.    My kids, especially my Aspie son, don't like change and I would be very reluctant to move them if something happened to their dad.   I would try very hard to keep the rest of their lives continuing as usual.

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Its odd that I don’t think of it as depressIng. It just is. My dh and I have talked about what to do if he died. Mostly because we have the farm and he doesn’t want me to be totally overwhelmed with all that entails. And we don’t have a cadre of relatives to swoop in and walk me through all the decisions. I lost my mom when she was 52, his dad was 62 when he passed so we think of this stuff sooner than many. He also feels a huge responsibility since I married him instead of going to college and preparing for a career. So he doesn’t want me to be in a pinch if the worst happens.

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No way, I wouldn't keep our house.  But, something already happened to my husband, so the only way we keep it up as is is to hire outside help.  We're also gone a lot of the year.  Sometimes we're gone for a year at a time.  So we have our home but we don't live in it all the time.  It's been our plan to move to the downtown of a big city someday and buy a condo or rent an apartment in the midst of it all, and walk everywhere and take advantage of city life opportunities.  We're tentatively planning to do that in a year or two.  If something even worse happened to my dh, I'd just do it sooner.

If all of our kids were at home still, I might consider keeping our home for awhile.

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