——-

[Hilltopmom]

Edited- thanks everyone.

He has a dr appt scheduled but wants to stick it out at the job.

 

[itsheresomewhere]

Someone close to me went through this with their child.  They decided to have her quit since it was only a month before they started college and work on themselves.  The kid went to the doctor for a physical and medication for their mental health issues. 

If it were my child, I would do the same.  Quit or really cut the hours and work on themselves. 

To give some hope-  that child did well at college and had done very well this summer working a hard job. 

[Arcadia]

If he doesn’t normally gets rash from being out in the sun, it might be shopping cart wipes. I am sensitive to some of those. 

I would be looking at stocking goods at supermarket if that’s an option. All my local supermarkets are hiring stockers, Target as well for their back to school seasonal sale.

[katilac]

If he can cut hours, that's what I would do. That would ease up on the physical demands and give him more free time. And, possibly, motivation for school. 

[Bootsie]

Are the 40 hours 9 to 5 every weekday, or do they vary?  Are they all outdoors in the sun and heat?  If so, what are the weather conditions where you are?  It has been at least 110 degrees here every day for the past week.  Even at 10:00pm it has been over 100!  That is unbearable for a long period of time, especially if you are on a concrete parking lot which gets much hotter and you are not used to it.  Is he able to stay hydrated?  

[BusyMom5]

So hes quitting in a month for school?  That's not long enough to get a new job, so I'd make him stick with it if he can.  I feel there is value in making kids learn to work hard, and cart boys do not work s solid 8 hours in the sun.  Have him wear sun screan, reapply at break, and keep encouraging him that it'd only a few weeks longer.  Next summer he can look for a job he'd like better.  Teach him to hydrate and sun screen, all kids if workers are in this heat daily.

 

To be fair,  my DH has worked outside year round his entire adult life.  Yes, it's hard.  We would not let our kid quit bc of it.

[marbel]

Given his mental health issues... I think I would advise my kid to give his 2 weeks notice, tough it out till then, and then spend the rest of the summer getting ready for school. It's only 2 weeks earlier than planned, right?  Get him a doctor appointment for before he leaves for school (or the semester starts, if he's staying local).  You really don't want him starting college courses already exhausted from his summer job. 

The fact that he can't do this work this summer doesn't mean he won't ever be able put in a 40-hour week, or work a hard job, etc. 

I'm sorry you and he are going through this.  

[sassenach]

40 hours is a lot for that type of work, especially when you're going from nothing. I would encourage him to go part-time, maybe 16-24 hours a week. I would choose that over quitting because he has probably built up more stamina than he thinks so he might feel quite successful at half-time. Quitting because you can't hack it is a terrible, defeating feeling. I would much rather make the task more manageable than just chuck it completely. In his hours off he can look for a different job and then leave on good terms.

 

[Liz CA]

Sounds like he may have some "withdrawal" from his usual activities since he is now working 40 hours and it's in a somewhat unpleasant environment.

You mentioned depression -can he talk to you? Does he seem depressed since he started the job or has this manifested prior to summer job? 

I think I would try to talk more with him about what it's like not to be able to play games when he wants to, having to conform to rules and regulations and interact with supervisors and fellow employees as well as brainstorm immediate solutions to the heat like those gel cloth that get immersed in water and you wrap them around your neck, decent shades and high quality sunscreen. 

Finishing something hard may be a motivating factor, something to be proud of, however, if it catapults him deeper into depression, I may see if hours can be reduced and also find some counselor to address the video game addiction & other issues.

Just want to make this clear: I think there is an unhealthy amount of video playing that may border on addiction but has not developed into full-blown addiction and then there is true addiction that needs a focused, professional approach. For some reason I am reading your post as the case with your ds being in the former category but only you know and can assess this best.

[Pawz4me]

You say undiagnosed ASD--does he perhaps have any low muscle tone issues that sometimes accompany that diagnosis? DS19 is on the spectrum, and although he looks like a big, strapping man, because of the low tone issues I seriously doubt he'd be able to physically handle a 40 hour a week manual job. He tires physically much more easily than most guys his age. (Full disclosure, lest anyone think I let my kids laze around--he's working a full time, paid internship this summer but it's not manual labor.)

I guess a lot depends on your family's financial situation and how much he needs the money. If he were my DS I'd try to have his hours cut back considerably. If that wasn't possible I'd let him know it was okay with me for him to quit. As you may know, the incidence of suicide is much higher among those on the spectrum than among neurotypical people. Combine the tough physical job with being on the spectrum and having mental health issues . . . the risk wouldn't be worth it to me.

[shanezomom]

Hugs to you because this must really be hard for the whole family and good for him that he has hung in this far. That sounds miserable for him. Is there not another position the store can put him in indoors? There might be sensory overload too with all the people and hustle/bustle. As was mentioned, two week notice, stick it out, ask for something in a quieter setting in the store like re-stocking? and focus on getting ready for school. Best wishes to you all!

[happi duck]

The swollen legs concern me and I'd want him to see the doctor.  Does he show any signs of dehydration?

Ime, overweight and sweat are a miserable combination. ?

Seriously, chafing (is that the right word?) is so painful and can cause one to adjust walking which causes other problems.  Is it possible that's part of the problem and he's embarrassed to ask about it?

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I keep turning this over in my mind, because between FOO and my own grown kids I feel like I have experience with a lot of angles involved...

I think he needs to see a doctor for chafing and prickly heat rash, stock up on Gatorade and cool neckcloths and a hat, and give two weeks' notice. But finish the two weeks.

[Night Elf]

I don't think sticking around for an extra 2 weeks is worth feeling miserable over. It sounds like he's held it together well for a while but now his body and mind are speaking out that what he's doing isn't working for him. If it's true he has ASD, then you can't expect him to think or act like a neurotypical person no matter how much you wish it or how hard you try. I'd have him give a two week resignation and actually work out that two weeks. That looks good if he ever needs a reference from this job for a future job.

My ds22 is an Aspie. He worked as an overnight stocking clerk for a year. The job became too physical as the new manager expected a higher speed of working. My ds couldn't keep up that speed for his 7 hour shifts. We let him quit and he's been kicking around ideas for other jobs. I was hoping he'd go back to college but he's adamantly against it. He's decided he doesn't want to work in a job that is a dedicated customer service job, so he's back to thinking about stocking, but at a different grocery store. We told him they may not have the same rules so the job may be easier. If it isn't, he'll quit and we'll find something else. I'm thinking of having him go to a vocational rehab center and let them help him find a job that will suit him.

[Hilltopmom]

Thanks all.

it truly is out on the sun in the parking lot for the whole shift- that’s all they do. It’s been 80-100 degrees all summer.

He is stocked and uses gatoraide, a good hat and sunscreen, cooling towel, etc. But he is out of shape and not used to the exercise at all. Carrying an extra 100 lbs around isn’t easy.

He definitely has low tone and poor coordination, which I’m sure contributes to the difficulty of the job. I told him about chafing but he says that’s not the problem.

We don’t “need “ the money, I went back to work last year and have the tuition and extra set aside.

Depressionwas before job started and is being treated.

I will talk to him tonight, I like the idea of asking to cut back on hours or give 2 weeks notice now.

i do not want him exhausted before college even starts

[marbel]

2 minutes ago, HeighHo said:

He needs to see the doctor for the leg swelling.  I"ve never heard a doctor say getting off your feet is the solution, usually they want exercise to relieve edema and don't want standing or sitting for long periods at a stretch. 

Since he's quitting in roughly 3 weeks anyway, yes I'd have him stick it out. If the doctor thinks he needs light duty, he'll get a note to hand to his supervisor and they'll work it out.  He needs to take responsibility for hydrating, clothing choice, etc as well as develop an appreciation for the person who is putting in 40 hours a week and funding the other parts of his life beyond what he is earning in this job.

What?  Where did that come from?  Why do you assume this is needed / that he doesn't already appreciate this?  Did I miss something in the OP and followup?

 

[Catwoman]

I would let him quit. This isn’t a case of him being lazy. The job is taking a mental and physical toll on him. 

I would have him talk to his boss and explain the problems, and I probably wouldn’t even have him give a full 2 weeks notice because I would be too concerned about his health to make him stick out this type of job outside in the heat. 

[Catwoman]

Just now, marbel said:

What?  Where did that come from?  Why do you assume this is needed / that he doesn't already appreciate this?  Did I miss something in the OP and followup?

 

 

I don’t understand that, either.

If he were my kid, I wouldn’t have him risk his health (and the very real danger of heatstroke) just to prove a point to him. He sounds like a good, responsible young man and I’m sure he will do just fine in life even if he quits this job.

[Bootsie]

Do you have any idea how flexible the employer will be as far as cutting back hours?  Is there a certain number that you think would be reasonable for him and do you think the employer will be agreeable to that?

[Scarlett]

6 minutes ago, Hilltopmom said:

Thanks all.

it truly is out on the sun in the parking lot for the whole shift- that’s all they do. It’s been 80-100 degrees all summer.

He is stocked and uses gatoraide, a good hat and sunscreen, cooling towel, etc. But he is out of shape and not used to the exercise at all. Carrying an extra 100 lbs around isn’t easy.

He definitely has low tone and poor coordination, which I’m sure contributes to the difficulty of the job. I told him about chafing but he says that’s not the problem.

We don’t “need “ the money, I went back to work last year and have the tuition and extra set aside.

Depressionwas before job started and is being treated.

I will talk to him tonight, I like the idea of asking to cut back on hours or give 2 weeks notice now.

i do not want him exhausted before college even starts

Yes I agree with Tibbie, 2 weeks notice sounds good.  And I would schedule the doctor appointment for the day after his last day of work.  Or before if he can get off to go to doctor.  

If he knows he only has 2 weeks left he might feel better about toughing it out.  I would not want him to start college exhausted.  

My ss is 100 pounds overweight too and he got his first job this summer.....it is in the kitchen which is hot, but there is AC.  I don't think he could have handled 7 hours in the outside heat.  

[almondbutterandjelly]

I, too, would let him quit.  I wouldn't even give two weeks notice.  It's not like he's planning on using them as a reference.  He's going to college and onto other things.  Plus a job isn't worth a health risk.

[marbel]

2 minutes ago, HeighHo said:

One of the benefits of working a job is developing more than a theoretical understanding what money represents, and how one is funded.  He'll hear more about that when he gets to college...especially if he's going to a college where other students have loans and have to work to support themselves. 

And kindly don't put words in my mouth.  Your assumptions are yours and should be labeled as such.

How did I put words in your mouth?  You said 

 He needs to take responsibility for hydrating, clothing choice, etc as well as develop an appreciation for the person who is putting in 40 hours a week and funding the other parts of his life beyond what he is earning in this job.

I asked what made you think he does not already have an appreciation for that.  I asked if I had missed something in the OP. 

(I don't mean to have all this bolded print, but I can't make it go away.)

[Lecka]

Wow, this sounds like a tough situation.  Thinking of you guys.

I think if he isn’t adjusting after a month I would let him quit in theory.

In practice I would really worry about him taking a lesson away from it about quitting.  But a lesson about self-care would also be very valuable!

What does your husband think?  Can you check in on him at work?  

I think I would want to check and make sure it wasn’t “venting to mom” but really manageable.

Good luck, I think whatever you decide will be the right decision! 

[Scarlett]

3 minutes ago, perkybunch said:

I, too, would let him quit.  I wouldn't even give two weeks notice.  It's not like he's planning on using them as a reference.  He's going to college and onto other things.  Plus a job isn't worth a health risk.

I wouldn't risk his health either.  But if he is just 'miserable' because it is a difficult job...then I would have him at least give 2 weeks notice. But either way isn't a deal breaker in my mind.  He might not want to leave his employer in the lurch.

[Lecka]

I would also wonder if there are any breaks or chances to rest, informally, that he might not be picking up on with the undiagnosed ASD.  Sometimes there are.  

Also maybe he could ask if he could be put on something else for part of his shift.  I think it’s a maybe.  

I wonder if there is something that other workers are doing that he is missing out on, mainly, because I think this is a possibility.  It’s why some people get job coaching.  

Edit:  I wonder too if he could do things like move slower when he is in the shade — if he isn’t aware that people do things like that.  It’s possible.  There could be some little things like that that might be helpful.

For my relative who has ASD, asking other people to peek in on him at work to see what he’s doing has provided a lot of information.  It’s a thought.  It might not help this job but it still might help a future job even if he does leave this one. That way it might be more of a learning experience.  Just a thought, though.  

[Lecka]

I have to say there is a part of me surprised that on weekdays while people are at work there is enough business for him to constantly collect carts.  There isn’t enough business for this on weekdays at any of the big box stores where I shop.  There are some very busy times on weekends and after work though.  

It makes me wonder if he could hang out in air-conditioning at certain times and then go bring in carts at certain times.

Or maybe not specifically that — but there could be things like that that would make it easier on him, and he might be being very conscientious and it could be backfiring on him.  

This is just one thought but there could be something like that, that would make his work experience a little better or have more of breaks.  

Maybe there is some job others are volunteering for and he could volunteer too, to get inside a bit.  

There could be something this way, and he may need some role-playing to go in and speak up if there is an opportunity, and to notice, or to notice if one thing is said but really some different things are okay to do.  

 

[Daria]

It sounds like he should drop his hours, and use that time to get diagnosed.  Sending an undiagnosed kid to college means he won't be able to access any accommodations, which has the potential for disaster.    In addition, if there's any chance he'll need any sort of disability services as an adult, establishing that the issue is developmental (e.g. appeared before a certain age) will be critical.  

I wouldn't worry about the fact that he may need to work 40 hours as an adult.  First of all, he's got a lot of maturation ahead of him, and secondly, he's now learned that his adult career shouldn't be one where he's exercising in the sun for 40 hours.  Fortunately, there are many careers that fit that bill!

[sassenach]

People keep citing health risks of continuing, but my guess is that overall it would be the less healthy choice for him to quit vs cut hours. If it was all or nothing, I would give 2 weeks' notice just for the respite before school starts.

[Hilltopmom]

We have the only “super center” with groceries & store that’s around for miles, so it’s usually pretty busy.

I did go back & check on him today since when I dropped him off, he was crying and limping into the store (that does not do good for a mama’s heart). He is hanging in there, it will be a long shift today, it’s in the 90s & humid.

It bugs him that they are understaffed & that the other cart guys “are slackers” in his opinion, so there may be something to what Lecka is saying above. 

He certainly won’t look for a physical type job next summer- this experience has taught him that, at least.

[Selkie]

The swollen legs would have me concerned. I'd take him to the doctor asap to make sure he isn't having circulatory issues.

Is there another job he could do at the big box store for his remaining weeks until school starts? It sounds like this particular job is not a good fit for him because of his weight. Could he stock shelves or work as a cashier?

Given what you've said about his video game addiction and depression, I would not want to give him a whole month of free time. Better to keep him busy with a sense of purpose, imo.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Just now, Hilltopmom said:

We have the only “super center” with groceries & store that’s around for miles, so it’s usually pretty busy.

I did go back & check on him today since when I dropped him off, he was crying and limping into the store (that does not do good for a mama’s heart). He is hanging in there, it will be a long shift today, it’s in the 90s & humid.

It bugs him that they are understaffed & that the other cart guys “are slackers” in his opinion, so there may be something to what Lecka is saying above. 

He certainly won’t look for a physical type job next summer- this experience has taught him that, at least.

 

If he was crying *on the job* and didn't know you saw him, I would quit him today. I have been there for young people who are miserable and uncomfortable, holding it together and doing a fine job all day but falling apart at night - for a season - but if the falling apart is literally on the job, get him out of there and start coming up with a Plan B.

[Hilltopmom]

3 minutes ago, Daria said:

It sounds like he should drop his hours, and use that time to get diagnosed.  Sending an undiagnosed kid to college means he won't be able to access any accommodations, which has the potential for disaster.    In addition, if there's any chance he'll need any sort of disability services as an adult, establishing that the issue is developmental (e.g. appeared before a certain age) will be critical.  

I wouldn't worry about the fact that he may need to work 40 hours as an adult.  First of all, he's got a lot of maturation ahead of him, and secondly, he's now learned that his adult career shouldn't be one where he's exercising in the sun for 40 hours.  Fortunately, there are many careers that fit that bill!

Daria, you are spot on about that but unfortunately he is not willing to explore a diagnosis, or even discuss it.

if first semester doesn’t go well and he returns home, a condition of staying here will be exploring a diagnosis, counseling, etc. I think.

[Daria]

4 minutes ago, Hilltopmom said:

Daria, you are spot on about that but unfortunately he is not willing to explore a diagnosis, or even discuss it.

if first semester doesn’t go well and he returns home, a condition of staying here will be exploring a diagnosis, counseling, etc. I think.

 

Could you point out to him that there are almost certainly ADA accommodations he could be using to fix his current situation?  

I am the mother of a similar kid, albeit ADHD instead of ASD, so I can absolutely relate to the issue of not being willing to discuss. 

[Scarlett]

My ss was limping every night when he first started his job.  I felt really sorry for him, but I just told him I felt like he would get used to it as he got stronger.  And I think he has.  I haven't seen him limp around for weeks now.  If your son is limping every day after 6 weeks maybe he is just too miserable....it is hard for me to say.  I am very much in the tough it out camp....all the way up to the point where my mama heart says, 'nope, that is enough.'  So I am sure that is just super helpful.  LOL

[Lecka]

Crying and dealing with slackers — it sounds like he does all the work while they slack off! 

I think I would have him quit or else see if you can figure out a way for him to act differently at work if you even want him to slack at work like the slackers.

Whats hard is, are they really slackers, or could he be doing what they do?

He could be working way too hard, really, but it’s  not so easy if he wants to do things properly, to tell him to cut corners and just do what he has to do.  That is really hard for some people.  

Also some managers ignore people not working and give more work to do, to the people who are working.  Which is fine if you end up getting a promotion but not so much for a summer job.  

[Lecka]

Just for the future I think document what you can (just take some notes) because there may be things that come up in the future if he is diagnosed and has therapy, where they talk about adjusting to different social environments and stuff.  It could be helpful.  

[Lecka]

Also I haven’t read them but there are “hidden curriculum” or “unwritten rules” books for employment.  Maybe helpful?

[teachermom2834]

I’m big on tough it out and don’t quit...except when I’m not. 

We had a ds quit something that we were trying to have him tough out. It just reached a point where my gut told me enough and I told him to quit. And it was fine. It didn’t hurt him one bit. He hasn’t quit another thing in the years since then and has made tremendous strides in maturity. 

Only you know the situation close enough to make the call. What is the worst possible consequence of him quitting? Of him staying? If his physical and mental health is at risk if he stays, that seems more serious than the potential consequence of him taking a step back in work ethic or character. 

I am sorry this did not work out. Jobs have been such growth experiences for my teens I would have been very disheartened to have one go this way. If he can stick it out through a two week notice or even working out what remains of a posted schedule I would encourage that and ask how I could support him. But if that is too much I would let him quit.

I’m big on work ethic and responsibility but sometimes you need to know when to call it quits. Regroup and tackle the next challenge. Nothing huge is lost here and in the future this will not have mattered at all. Sometimes things don’t work out. Another life lesson.

[Kim in Appalachia]

1 hour ago, Hilltopmom said:

Thanks all.

it truly is out on the sun in the parking lot for the whole shift- that’s all they do. It’s been 80-100 degrees all summer.

He is stocked and uses gatoraide, a good hat and sunscreen, cooling towel, etc. But he is out of shape and not used to the exercise at all. Carrying an extra 100 lbs around isn’t easy.

He definitely has low tone and poor coordination, which I’m sure contributes to the difficulty of the job. I told him about chafing but he says that’s not the problem.

We don’t “need “ the money, I went back to work last year and have the tuition and extra set aside.

Depressionwas before job started and is being treated.

I will talk to him tonight, I like the idea of asking to cut back on hours or give 2 weeks notice now.

i do not want him exhausted before college even starts

 

You said undiagnosed ASD?  I want to encourage you to have him officially diagnosed.  It's expensive and will take some time, but being able to put that officially will enable him to get extra help at school and possibly other services if school doesn't work out.

And while I'm generally a, "suck it up, buttercup" kind of person, I also think this job may be a bad fit and he should quit.    

[SKL]

I do think he needs to change the situation.

First I would encourage him to ask for a change in the details of the job, e.g. working mostly at cooler hours, indoor work, or fewer hours.

If that didn't work, I'd leave it up to him but quitting may be the right solution.

When I was 18, I had a pretty awful summer job that my mom wanted me to quit, but I refused because I was proud of having a job.  Either way, quit or not, it's an experience that will inform his future decisions.

[Katy]

The rash concerns me more than anything else you've said.  Are you sure his antidepressant doesn't cause sun sensitivity?  If not, is he allergic to his sunscreen?

Does he have chafing causing the limping? Does he have blisters on his feet?

Is he dehydrated?  What color is his urine?

How badly does he rate the muscle pain on a scale of 1-10?  Does his antidepressant cause muscle pain or muscle breakdown?

I'd probably follow my/DH's intuition about it when I found out the answers to that.

 

Then you should probably look at getting the ASD diagnosed.  His college will likely give him some accommodations that he WILL likely need to successfully complete college.

[1shortmomto4]

My ds worked carts for 2 years - and he has some major issues so I get the concerns.  There are procedures in place to be sure the worker is allowed time to cool off/hydrate.  Over the years we bought gloves - which help and silky boxers/no seams that help a lot.  Be sure his shorts are loose in the legs.  Maybe a hand-held fan that sprays water.  To get him through the last few weeks I'd look at comfort measures that are easily implemented.  This is probably THE hardest job at these places (besides customer service and interacting with the public).  I remember all too well the many days my ds would tell me about near misses, rude people, etc. but on the flip side he learned to be very familiar with his surroundings (hearing impairment) and glanced at cars to be sure no animals or children were left behind.   The best part was he did end up toning up and losing a few pounds  and it got him out of the house.  It is a hard adjustment - especially for those with issues - and probably harder on a momma's heart because we just want to take care of them and protect them but some how they need this practice before they head off to school and have to do this alone.  My ds finally got a position working inside and it really isn't a whole lot better with his frustration levels but I just listen and allow him to vent - sometimes this is all that is needed.  What does dad say?

[Lisa R.]

Since you mentioned the video game addiction, I would let use this whole job as a teaching moment(s):

--you can work with you mind or work with your hands. If his health prevents him from working with his hands (manual labor), he better get an education or training to use his mind to earn money that way. Perhaps this job will motivate him to work harder at college. This could be a HUGE learning opportunity.

--working outdoors doing a physical job may get him in better shape and raise his stamina. Not a bad thing but it doesn't feel good at the time. 

--if he quits, I would encourage him to turn in a two weeks notice. It's professional even though the job isn't. Learning responsibility is hard. Hopefully following through on a commitment will bring some confidence.

--if he quits, I would tell him he needs to agree not to fill up extra time with video games. Period. 

--if he does not have video game addiction under control, college will not go well. I'd put extra focus on that immediately, if you haven't already done so.

--since he's reluctant to go to doctor, you could make getting a diagnosis a condition of him quitting. It's not age appropriate for a rising college freshman to be crying on the job. 

[hippiemamato3]

My DS is only 15 and hasn't started working yet. He is fair skinned, slight in build, dx'd with anxiety/depression (now very well controlled) and adhd. He is also sensitive to sun. There are certain jobs that he's not suited for, and that's ok. It sounds like your son has given this job a solid effort, and it's taking a toll on him. Let him give his notice and spend the rest of the summer getting ready for the next big transition. THIS job doesn't predict anything about his future, except that perhaps it's not the kind of job he wants when he finishes college or even next summer. And that's ok. 

[hippiemamato3]

27 minutes ago, Lisa R. said:

--since he's reluctant to go to doctor, you could make getting a diagnosis a condition of him quitting. It's not age appropriate for a rising college freshman to be crying on the job. 

 

People get overwhelmed. Sometimes they cry. I don't know that "age appropriate" has much to do with it. 

[WendyLady]

I would be so proud of him, if i were you!  He is awesome for keeping his job, getting up every day, working hard, and getting through the long days all summer!  Way to go, Mama!!  

Both of my older girls have worked terrible jobs the summer before college and the summer after their first year of college.  Working full time is so hard, when they were used to summers off to play and do sports stuff and sleep in.  Last summer my dd20 cried almost every evening after work.  She talked about finding another job, but she wasn't able to (and didn't have time to look), and she needed the money for school.  I was really proud of her for sticking with it, even though I would have been fine if she quit a couple weeks early.  She was working retail and first it was incredibly boring - she would refold t-shirts and just stand around, and then it got busy and she was doing a similar job as your son outside.  It was rough in the heat and the rain and the wind....  But she said being busy outside (directing traffic and cart detail) was better than the boring weeks inside...

Anyway, I just wanted you to know you are not alone!  He's so lucky to have you looking out for him and cheering him on.  If he were my son, I would hope that he could stick it out and work 2 or 3 more miserable weeks. And I would try to make sure to pack the best lunches, bring an icy drink during his break time, and have his favorite dinners ready when he gets home.  I would also try to limit chores at home so he could rest up for the next day...

PS - my soon to be 15 year old son is  a cryer too. He can't help it and he does best if I pretend not to notice.  He says it is just big feelings coming out.  It's embarrassing for him. Maybe your son is the same?  I do wonder how he will cope when he's around older young men more...

[freesia]

I think you should have him give 2 weeks notice.  I think it is very important for folks with depression to see that they can do hard things and get through them. (I say this as someone who has had depression). It is also important for him to see he has control and can  change a situation that is difficult.  Giving 2 weeks notice does both, particularly as he would have only 2 weeks to go until college.  I would be pointing out how well he has done lasting so long.  I would talk to him about whether he is picking up the slack from the slackers and encourage him to work at a reasonable pace.  My ds also is not one to "notice" if he is suppose to have breaks at his job. Fortunately, his manager is very good about making sure it happens for legal reasons.

I am with the others in saying that you really should have the swelling looked at sooner rather than later.

My boring job in college motivated me to finish my degree.  I have told my son often (he hates his job--it's really tedious) that now he knows what he doesn't want to do and hopefully it will motivate him to train in something he does want to do.  Also, while he is going on a leave of absence while at college so that he has a job to come back to, he now knows he wants to look for something else.  Hopefully, your son will see this too.

My heart is just going out to you about his refusal to get a diagnosis.  Hopefully he's learned some perserverence that will help with college.  I just so wish for your this had been a good experience where you could have pointed out to him how much happier he has been being away from the computer. ?

[Jean in Newcastle]

2 hours ago, Hilltopmom said:

Daria, you are spot on about that but unfortunately he is not willing to explore a diagnosis, or even discuss it.

if first semester doesn’t go well and he returns home, a condition of staying here will be exploring a diagnosis, counseling, etc. I think.

I'm sorry to hear that.  Ideally he should have been diagnosed while still in high school.  My ds was diagnosed with ASD when he was 16 and it has made a big difference in him understanding himself and also in being able to navigate college. 

What you described sounds much like an Aspie meltdown.  Being overwhelmed from sensory input (heat and the noise and the long hours) can totally be overwhelming for Aspies.  It is not a character flaw to understand that and to realize that this isn't a good fit for him.  Aspies are often "black and white" in their thinking and I would explain that finding out that this job isn't a good fit doesn't mean that he won't be able to find a good job in the future.  (I will also point out to a PP that not sticking to this job doesn't mean that he can't understand the value of money or of hard work.)

 

[Kim in Appalachia]

2 hours ago, Hilltopmom said:

Daria, you are spot on about that but unfortunately he is not willing to explore a diagnosis, or even discuss it.

if first semester doesn’t go well and he returns home, a condition of staying here will be exploring a diagnosis, counseling, etc. I think.

 

 

I missed this, but I still think you need to have it done.  Don't give him a choice about being diagnosed.  Messing up his 1st semester will stay with him. Tell him he can quit the job, but he needs to explore being diagnosed.  

I realize he's over 18, making it difficult, but you should still push for it hard.  

 

 

[Lecka]

Just thinking about this more, but could he be anxious about leaving for college, too?  

And also if he was upset in a way that upset your kids, was it something where it could have a really negative consequence for him if he did something similar in a dorm?  If it was more that they were upset to see their brother upset, that’s not a concern the same way, but if he was upset in a way that could upset other students then I think that is something to think about.  It would not be very nice if he had a bad experience in the dorm.  Also — whether he pulled himself together more, or if you really helped him pull himself together like he really needed you.  

I think those are things to think about.