Jump to content

Menu
Giving You and Your Child a Road Map to the Best Possible Education
The Well-Trained Mind Community

my ex, my son's father, died today

ktgrok

By ktgrok,
in The Chat Board

 Share

Recommended Posts

laundrycrisis

laundrycrisis

Posted
Posted

I am so sorry.  I would encourage him to attend, because you only get one chance to attend those services - if you skip it out of discomfort and then later you feel ready to go through it, the opportunity has passed. I think it’s best just to get through it. 

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Mama Geek

Mama Geek

Posted
Posted
8 hours ago, Ktgrok said:

Thank you all. I appreciate the prayers more than you know. It's just so very sad. I really don't have another word for it. His parents must be devastated, they adored him. It's just not fair. I keep reliving telling my DS, and it just feels so surreal. None of it feels real. 

About to go to bed and sure I will cry again, mostly for my son, who should not be going through this. It breaks my heart that his father won't be there when he gets married some day, or see grandchildren. 

And although it doesn't fix it, and it isn't the same, I'm also very grateful that I remarried, and that my son has my DH as a stepfather. That he will still have someone to at least partially fill that role in his life. 

But man. Like I said, my heart breaks for my boy. 

Katie, I lost my dad when I was only a year or 2 older than your son, that was almost 20 years ago.  I had graduated high school and was married, but he had passed away before I graduated college and had my daughter.  I have long been at peace with him not being here.  There are times that I miss him and think about him, but for me it is just normal now and has been for a long time.  My mom went with me and my brother to his funeral even though things weren't great between them.  My brother is several years younger than me and it was what we needed and wanted.  As time goes by it will get easier.

I will pray for peace for you and your son and your husbands family. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites
ktgrok

ktgrok

Posted
  • Author
Posted
6 hours ago, laundrycrisis said:

I am so sorry.  I would encourage him to attend, because you only get one chance to attend those services - if you skip it out of discomfort and then later you feel ready to go through it, the opportunity has passed. I think it’s best just to get through it. 

 

I should have clarified...today isn't services or anything, it was just some of the family gathering to start planning things. I will have him attend any service, if there is one. I just don't think that exposure to his grandmother's grief, less than 24 hours after it happening, was going to be something he wanted to needed. And I was right, he didn't want to go and  I handled that for him. 

  • Like 8
Link to comment
Share on other sites
ktgrok

ktgrok

Posted
  • Author
Posted
17 minutes ago, Monica_in_Switzerland said:

I'm so sorry about the loss of your son's father.  Follow your instinct on how to handle it, it sounds like you are making the right calls for him.  If it wouldn't make the ex in laws upset, maybe you could accompany DS if he wanted to go.  

I'll go with him to the services, I expect. No bad feelings between me and the ex inlaws thankfully. I'm SO grateful right now that no matter what, after we divorced my ex and I never really fought ever again. We didn't always agree, but we went to a live and let live policy and it worked. No hard feelings between him and I, and my son never had to see us fighting over him or anything else. 

  • Like 10
Link to comment
Share on other sites
ktgrok

ktgrok

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Ugh, I can admit the uglier stuff here, right? 

I hate that part of me is relieved that my son will never be in a position to have to decide if he will donate a kidney to his father. I know that is awful, but it's there. (the kidney disease exDH had can run in families and we didn't know if DS would get it one day, so I was opposed strongly to him donating in case he needed every bit of kidney function he had for himself down the line. And DS knew my feelings, and also knew that his father wanted the kidney, and t was going to become a hard situation very soon). 

There is also the guilt/wonder of, "If I had stayed married to him, could I have kept him healthier". And on the one hand, maybe? I certainly would have pushed for more medical intervention faster, and pushed specialists, etc. But... I never could keep him mentally healthy, so I don't know why I think i could have helped him stay physically healthy. There were excellent reasons we divorced, most importantly me wanting my son to not grow up constantly exposed to the mental health issues, and I need to remember that. 

And I'm so grateful he has my husband in his life, and his kids will have DH as a grandfather figure. But still....I'm sure these kinds of what ifs are normal. 

  • Like 10
Link to comment
Share on other sites
ktgrok

ktgrok

Posted
  • Author
Posted

DS just watched TV in his room yesterday, all evening. Normally he'd have been playing and chatting online with his homeschool friends, I'm guessing he wasn't ready to tell them and just wanted to keep his mind off of it. 

I spent half the evening in the kitchen cooking about 15 pounds of homemade dog food. We all have our coping stategies, I guess. 

He did reassure me a few times that he was okay.

He's supposed to volunteer at the bird place today...I'm leaving that up to him. I figure it's 50/50 if he will want to just sleep in, or get up and go. I don't know how he slept last night, so won't wake him up. 

Man this is hard. 

And oddly, when other people have died I've felt they were gone. Even with pets. With exDH, I don't, his presence feels stronger actually than it has in a long time. Can't help but wonder if he's hanging out somehow, keeping an eye on DS. I know that sounds weird. 

  • Like 8
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Lanny

Lanny

Posted
Posted (edited)

Katie I came back here to post something about with time you and your DS being clear about the medical issues your Ex had and I read your last post before I began writing this.  Your Ex apparently had a Cardiac issue for many years. And, he had the Kidney issues.   Does anyone else in his family have either or both of those issues? As your son gets older there will be fewer people around who can share that information and it is important for him to know the medical history on his fathers side.

And I wonder if it has any resemblance to a late friend. He had Diabetes. He wrote me before he passed away that he believed all of his medical problems were caused by the Diabetes.  I wonder if in the case of your Ex the Kidney problems exacerbated the Cardiac issues.

Try to keep your DS as relalxed as is possible and try to keep him doing the things he normally does, but if he expresses Grief, that's normal and that's good for him.

Don't feel any guilt about what you might have been able to do for your Ex had you stayed with him. Only God knows the answer to that and part of that would probably be that your life and the life of your DS would have been more miserable had you stayed with  your Ex.

ETA: You posted again before I posted this so I am referring to the post 2 above this

Edited by Lanny
add ETA
Link to comment
Share on other sites
ktgrok

ktgrok

Posted
  • Author
Posted
1 minute ago, Lanny said:

Katie I came back here to post something about with time you and your DS being clear about the medical issues your Ex had and I read your last post before I began writing this.  Your Ex apparently had a Cardiac issue for many years. And, he had the Kidney issues.   Does anyone else in his family have either or both of those issues? As your son gets older there will be fewer people around who can share that information and it is important for him to know the medical history on his fathers side.

And I wonder if it has any resemblance to a late friend. He had Diabetes. He wrote me before he passed away that he believed all of his medical problems were caused by the Diabetes.  I wonder if in the case of your Ex the Kidney problems exacerbated the Cardiac issues.

Try to keep your DS as relalxed as is possible and try to keep him doing the things he normally does, but if he expresses Grief, that's normal and that's good for him.

Don't feel any guilt about what you might have been able to do for your Ex had you stayed with him. Only God knows the answer to that and part of that would probably be that your life and the life of your DS would have been more miserable had you stayed with  your Ex.

No one else has kidney issues in the family, but his sister, my son's aunt, also had cardiomyopathy and had a heart transplant. We've had DS screened by a cardiologist and will continue to do routine screenings. It does scare me. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Monica_in_Switzerland

Monica_in_Switzerland

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Ktgrok said:

Ugh, I can admit the uglier stuff here, right? 

I hate that part of me is relieved that my son will never be in a position to have to decide if he will donate a kidney to his father. I know that is awful, but it's there. (the kidney disease exDH had can run in families and we didn't know if DS would get it one day, so I was opposed strongly to him donating in case he needed every bit of kidney function he had for himself down the line. And DS knew my feelings, and also knew that his father wanted the kidney, and t was going to become a hard situation very soon). 

There is also the guilt/wonder of, "If I had stayed married to him, could I have kept him healthier". And on the one hand, maybe? I certainly would have pushed for more medical intervention faster, and pushed specialists, etc. But... I never could keep him mentally healthy, so I don't know why I think i could have helped him stay physically healthy. There were excellent reasons we divorced, most importantly me wanting my son to not grow up constantly exposed to the mental health issues, and I need to remember that. 

And I'm so grateful he has my husband in his life, and his kids will have DH as a grandfather figure. But still....I'm sure these kinds of what ifs are normal. 

 

Honestly?  This sounds very normal.  Don't feel bad for honest feelings.  Death is hard when things are clear-cut, even harder when relationships are tangled and complicated.  The worry over a kidney donation is probably a burden you have carried for many years, and now that burden is lifted.  It's totally ok that relief be one of the many things you are feeling now.  

Re: your other post, it's no one's "job" to keep another functional adult healthy.  His death was pre-mature and very sad, but it just is what it is.  Take care of yourself in this time, even though you are divorced, this is someone who has been in your life for many years, and you'll need to grieve in your own way as well.  

Big hugs

 

  • Like 11
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Rosie_0801

Rosie_0801

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Ktgrok said:

With exDH, I don't, his presence feels stronger actually than it has in a long time. Can't help but wonder if he's hanging out somehow, keeping an eye on DS. I know that sounds weird. 

 

Nah. They do stuff like that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
kbutton

kbutton

Posted
Posted
3 hours ago, Ktgrok said:

Ugh, I can admit the uglier stuff here, right? 

I hate that part of me is relieved that my son will never be in a position to have to decide if he will donate a kidney to his father. I know that is awful, but it's there. (the kidney disease exDH had can run in families and we didn't know if DS would get it one day, so I was opposed strongly to him donating in case he needed every bit of kidney function he had for himself down the line. And DS knew my feelings, and also knew that his father wanted the kidney, and t was going to become a hard situation very soon). 

There is also the guilt/wonder of, "If I had stayed married to him, could I have kept him healthier". And on the one hand, maybe? I certainly would have pushed for more medical intervention faster, and pushed specialists, etc. But... I never could keep him mentally healthy, so I don't know why I think i could have helped him stay physically healthy. There were excellent reasons we divorced, most importantly me wanting my son to not grow up constantly exposed to the mental health issues, and I need to remember that. 

And I'm so grateful he has my husband in his life, and his kids will have DH as a grandfather figure. But still....I'm sure these kinds of what ifs are normal. 

It's not awful to think that about kidney donation in those circumstances, especially. I honestly don't think it's awful even if the donor is likely to always expected to be healthy enough to have only one kidney. Your DH's medical issues were complicated and the unknowns for inheriting them are still pretty unknown.

The rest, I think, is very normal to think about. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
unsinkable

unsinkable

Posted
Posted

Watch out for your younger kids, especially if this is the first time they've experienced someone's dad/parent dying.

I'm sure they are close to their big brother and to have someone that close lose HIS dad, it makes it possible ( in their minds) that they could lose THEIR dad.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Lady Florida.

Lady Florida.

Posted
Posted
5 hours ago, Ktgrok said:

 

There is also the guilt/wonder of, "If I had stayed married to him, could I have kept him healthier". And on the one hand, maybe? I certainly would have pushed for more medical intervention faster, and pushed specialists, etc. But... I never could keep him mentally healthy, so I don't know why I think i could have helped him stay physically healthy. There were excellent reasons we divorced, most importantly me wanting my son to not grow up constantly exposed to the mental health issues, and I need to remember that. 

 

It wasn't your responsibility and there was probably nothing you could have done anyway. Adults have to be responsible for themselves in the end, even when their loved ones do try to help.

Also, if you had stayed with him you wouldn't have your other three kids. You might have had more kids, but not those specific ones. Can you imagine life without them? Dh used to say he wished we had met when we were much younger and I'd remind him that if we did he wouldn't have dss in his life. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Katy

Katy

Posted
Posted
7 hours ago, Ktgrok said:

Ugh, I can admit the uglier stuff here, right? 

I hate that part of me is relieved that my son will never be in a position to have to decide if he will donate a kidney to his father. I know that is awful, but it's there. (the kidney disease exDH had can run in families and we didn't know if DS would get it one day, so I was opposed strongly to him donating in case he needed every bit of kidney function he had for himself down the line. And DS knew my feelings, and also knew that his father wanted the kidney, and t was going to become a hard situation very soon). 

There is also the guilt/wonder of, "If I had stayed married to him, could I have kept him healthier". And on the one hand, maybe? I certainly would have pushed for more medical intervention faster, and pushed specialists, etc. But... I never could keep him mentally healthy, so I don't know why I think i could have helped him stay physically healthy. There were excellent reasons we divorced, most importantly me wanting my son to not grow up constantly exposed to the mental health issues, and I need to remember that. 

And I'm so grateful he has my husband in his life, and his kids will have DH as a grandfather figure. But still....I'm sure these kinds of what ifs are normal. 

 

It's not awful.  You love your son, you know XDH had numerous issues, frankly I'd be relieved too. I also wonder if any doctor would have let him donate, given the circumstances. 

And of course you couldn't have kept him healthier. He was an adult and he alone was accountable for his actions. You did what was best for everyone, which is to protect your child when his father couldn't or wouldn't.  Not unlike the reason you feel relief now.  You're a very good mother.

7 hours ago, Ktgrok said:

<snip>

And oddly, when other people have died I've felt they were gone. Even with pets. With exDH, I don't, his presence feels stronger actually than it has in a long time. Can't help but wonder if he's hanging out somehow, keeping an eye on DS. I know that sounds weird. 

 

My dad died when I was in my mid 20's.  I felt him around a lot for months afterward. At the time I had the strong sense that he was surprised how much he meant to me, how much his death was impacting me. I stopped feeling him around so much when my grief lessened.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
ktgrok

ktgrok

Posted
  • Author
Posted

He's hanging in there. Did not go to his volunteer job today, but  don't blame him. He slept in some, but not excessively. i brought him a coffee and breakfast sandwich from dunkin donuts that I think he ate most of, and is eating hamburgers now that I grilled for him. He's being very stoic, which is typical. I did talk to my ex in laws, they are holding up better than expected, and I talked with my ex's wife, Christine, and she is too. Really, everyone is holding up remarkably, and that makes me feel a bit better. 

  • Like 9
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...