Adjusting to new social norms when moving (subtitle: is everyone in New England really this rude?) UPDATE AT PAGE 7 or SO

[Frances]

2 hours ago, moonflower said:

About the waitress, DH and I literally spent significant time this morning puzzling over what we did to piss her off.  Was it the way we interacted?, we thought.  Was it the way we looked at each other?  Was it a minor disagreement we had with DD? Was it the fish thing?  Was it our accents?  Was she just having a bad day?

 

Man, moving is *hard*.

This. My husband and I and our friends had these conversations all of the time during our first year in upstate NY. Everyone I met who wasn’t from there had the same experience. Like us, I think most just gave up trying to figure it out because nothing we did or didn’t do made any difference at all.

[Lucy the Valiant]

Awwww . . . I promise there are some friendly ones of us up here! (especially at the beaches!) 

 

 

 

(And in case this ever comes up in conversation, "New England" is technically only 6 states (ME, MA, NH, VT, CT, RI), and does not include NY or PA. I hesitated to even mention it on a thread where we're criticizing manners, but - hey, if it gives you a good tip, there ya go. I'm going to cross my fingers for you that for every negative interaction you have, you'll stack up 2 New England treasures to off-set it . . . an ocean sunrise, a fresh mountain hike, the stunning autumn colors, neighbors who may never smile but would give you the shirt off their back (or their last snow shovel!), the crispness of a silent snowy morning, the treasures of our nation's history, the beauty of immigrant communities all piled in together with delicious food and intricate dance, the solemnity of small town military parades, a vigorous town meeting debate . . . I promise there are truly dear people here, and I hope you find some very fast.)

[MFG]

5 minutes ago, Medicmom2.0 said:

I honestly find this all fascinating.

I made a special effort today to notice this sort of thing while running errands.

Walmart: No one talked to me. Didn’t run into anyone I know.  The cashier asked if i wanted my milk in a bag; that was the only interaction while i checked out.

Tops: Cashier asked if I’d found everything I needed. No one else spoke to me or I to them.

Ice cream store: Lady ahead of me in line asked how I liked the weather today as it’s cooler than it has been. Then she asked my kids what their favorite ice cream is.  Then she told us she’s visiting from South Carolina and loved walking the state park gorge. My kids wondered why she kept talking to them(privately after we left).  No interaction with anyone else.

Sitting on my front steps:  Four people on bicycles and many people walking by to their cars(we live nearby aforementioned state park and people park on the street to go hike it).  No interaction. Nodded to person who walked by waking a dog. I don’t know them so I didn’t say hi.

Bank: Teller asked my kids if they’d like a lollipop. They took one and said thank you.

All very normal interactions here.  I’m a fairly private person who detests small talk and is perfectly happy living with someone with these social norms.

But I truly find it fascinating to read about other norms in this country.

 

That sounds perfectly wonderful. 

[Carrie12345]

1 hour ago, moonflower said:

So if you're sitting on your front porch and someone drives by (in a residential area, going about 15), do you wave at them and they wave at you?  Regardless of whether you know them.  If you're driving in the same neighborhood and you pass someone walking their dog, do you wave at them and they wave at you?  

We've lived in places where you definitely wave, places where you can wave, and places where people give you a very strange look when you wave, like you're about to come over there and try to sell them something.

Here, it’s a nod and a smile. Sometimes a two or three fingered wave from the steering wheel. 

My new neighbors have not yet returned a greeting. I’m guessing they’re transplants. ?

[Desert Strawberry]

Well crud. I've been waving to all my neighbors. Most of them wave back ( not all). Now I wonder if they think we're friends or something. 

 

[scholastica]

23 minutes ago, Medicmom2.0 said:

I honestly find this all fascinating.

I made a special effort today to notice this sort of thing while running errands.

Walmart: No one talked to me. Didn’t run into anyone I know.  The cashier asked if i wanted my milk in a bag; that was the only interaction while i checked out.

Tops: Cashier asked if I’d found everything I needed. No one else spoke to me or I to them.

Ice cream store: Lady ahead of me in line asked how I liked the weather today as it’s cooler than it has been. Then she asked my kids what their favorite ice cream is.  Then she told us she’s visiting from South Carolina and loved walking the state park gorge. My kids wondered why she kept talking to them(privately after we left).  No interaction with anyone else.

Sitting on my front steps:  Four people on bicycles and many people walking by to their cars(we live nearby aforementioned state park and people park on the street to go hike it).  No interaction. Nodded to person who walked by waking a dog. I don’t know them so I didn’t say hi.

Bank: Teller asked my kids if they’d like a lollipop. They took one and said thank you.

All very normal interactions here.  I’m a fairly private person who detests small talk and is perfectly happy living with someone with these social norms.

But I truly find it fascinating to read about other norms in this country.

 

At my regular grocery store, I know that one of the cashiers is a single mom of one little girl, another has 3 kids the oldest of which lives in another state and has made her a grandma twice over and that they visited there at Christmas and a third has 3 kids and 5 grandkids and they all live in town. Although, my dh does say that people talk to me way more than other people. He's always saying "How did you even find that out about a random person in the bank line?" or wherever I happened to be. 

[Big Buckin' Longhorn]

1 hour ago, Selkie said:

Where I live (rural/small town midwest), it is considered normal to have friendly interactions with everyone you see, even if you don't know them. You wave when you're driving by, you nod and smile when you pass someone in the grocery aisle, you say hello to other people walking down the street. It's nice.

 This is pretty much my exact experience. I speak to almost every single person I see when I am out and about. I would be so depressed if I ran errands in complete silence all day.

When my kids were little, I’d often go to Wal Mart for a bit of adult interaction. It’s normal to chat with people you don’t know (yet) here. Especially if you are out and about during the work day, it means you may have a little time to kill. 

[MEmama]

50 minutes ago, moonflower said:

I rely on those simple interactions a lot too, I think - or rather, they have an effect on me which is cumulative.

 

Sigh.  Hopefully I will either get used to it or luck into a local pocket of friendliness or something.  Or move back to Colorado in a year.

Please spend time in other parts of the state. I promise it isn't all like where you live (there are reasons most people don't move there, no disrespect intended). 

I do get it, though. Not about Maine (at ALL!), but we felt similarly when we lived in the Canadian maritimes. It was a shock (sooooo different from all our vacations in the same area!), BUT like you, we lived in a place that was uncommon to move to, and for similar reasons. We escaped TO Bangor for the friendliness, to give you a sense of how difficult it was. Lol. Those were tough years.

But you can't judge a state on a few encounters (normal as they sounded), nor on an area not known for its outward hospitality (again, no disrespect meant to Bangor--I like it, but I can understand not wanting to live there). Come and explore the places that Maine is famous for! :) I mean, it's a bit like moving to Greely and never checking out Fort Collins, or Boulder, or Colorado Springs! 

[SquirrellyMama]

6 hours ago, Matryoshka said:

Yes, it definitely means the latter.  I can't even fathom how one would interpret it the first way.  If someone said to me in that conversation "I'd have to ask someone", I'd say cheerily, "Thanks, that would be great!"   If they didn't say they have to ask someone, and they in fact do because they have no idea what the recipe for haddock batter is, would you just want them to disappear from the phone without advance notice, leaving you wondering what happened to them?  What would have been the response you expected from them?

I also don't at all get how telling someone you have to leave the phone to ask someone in the know to clarify a question is demanding??  Of what?

For me, this would also mean that they really don't want to. If I'm asked a question, and I need to ask someone I say, "Let me go ask someone, it will just take a minute."

Kelly

[whitestavern]

I haven't read all the replies, but I have lived in NE all my life. I never noticed the rudeness (or I guess was just used to it) until we took a 5 week road trip out west. Oh my, everyone was SOOOO nice! The difference was very obvious. I think the biggest thing is that the entire northeastern country is very fast paced. People want to do whatever they need to do and they want to do it quickly. We have no patience :) So if you're driving even the speed limit you're going too slow. If you're not super direct in your dealings with people, you're going to slow. (I could never live down south because everything moves.so.slow.down.there) I'm not saying it's right, just trying to maybe explain the why. But you will get used to it. And honestly, there really are a lot of very nice people you'll interact with, too. We're not all natives, lol. But I am still happily surprised when I come across someone enthusiastically nice while out and about because it is the exception vs the rule. That said, having lived and visited everywhere in New England, one of my absolute favorite places is DownEast Maine/Acadia NP. It's so beautiful!

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think what complicates things is that there are regional differences but there are also socially awkward people within those regions as well.  So you have my neighbor (who I very strongly suspect is an Aspie) who answered the door when I went over there when they first moved in to give them a garage opener that had been forgotten by the previous owners.  He just stood there and stared at me.  No return "hello".  No thank you when I explained about the garage opener.  Nothing.  Everyone in the neighborhood has given up waving to him and his wife because there is no interaction from them at all.  (I don't feel negatively towards them.  I just don't bother to interact because it's awkward and I feel like it's a bit of a lost cause.)

[ljpisme]

7 hours ago, moonflower said:

We moved to New England from the midwest via Colorado.  We move a lot so I am fairly used to adapting to new social rules, esp. mild ones - how to navigate your cart in grocery stores, how fast to start going again after pausing at a stop sign, whether to wave to people walking by your house, etc.

New England has been a whole 'nother level of adjustment.  I am finding it very difficult, to the point that I am even kind of depressed about it.  I think the constant, repeated negative social interactions are taking a toll.  Do you have any advice about how to make this adjustment easier?  Self-talk that you do, or scripts you practice in your head, or anything really.

Also, related: are they really ruder here than in the Midwest and Colorado (and Oregon and Texas)?  Is it just that I am so out of touch with the social rules that I am pissing them off inadvertently and they're reacting like pissed off people and I'm taking it too personally?  Or is it the normal mode of interaction and eventually I'll adjust to it and not feel rejected/aggressed against all the time?

 

Help!  The area is so lovely and the water is so clear and the houses and little towns are so nice.  And there is a lot of good vegan food and good produce.  I don't want to hate living here.

 

I have lived in either NH or MA for most of my life.  Aside from dealing with aggressive drivers (which I find to be much worse in MA than in NH), my experiences are pretty different than yours.  Overall, I find people to be pretty friendly here and I rarely encounter anyone who is overtly rude.  I’d say 95% of the time, when I go to a store or a restaurant whoever is serving me is pleasant and often quite friendly. Not everyone is super chatty, but that’s ok with me, because I’m not either ?

Sorry that your experiences have been negative! New England is a pretty big place and each state/town will have its own “personality.”

 

[ktgrok]

5 hours ago, Matryoshka said:

Oh, yes.  If you're first in line at the light, please do turn left immediately before the oncoming traffic (and if you're second in line and the cars haven't started moving, go then as well)!  This is because the lights are often so short and if you wait for the oncoming traffic, less people can get through and it ends up backing the line waaay up and even leading to gridlock. Okay, maybe not in rural Maine. ?  But around here in eastern MA and I definitely get annoyed with people who are all 'polite' waiting and then I have to wait through 5 light cycles.  That's not polite to the people in back of you. ?

But...it's not about politeness...it's that the people going straight have right of way...you have to yield to them...that's the law. 

So confused. And glad we didn't pursue the idea of moving to New England, lol. I'm the type to have a 20 minute chat with a random stranger in the yogurt aisle, lol. 

[ktgrok]

4 hours ago, moonflower said:

It's not a show, exactly, the chitchat and what you might call excessively polite social markers.  It's just the natural way of interacting. Or, the being nice to your front and seethe underneath - that's not, for me, exactly fake.  It's just polite.

How to explain it?  Like, when I'm in traffic, and someone does something inconvenient or incorrect, say they want to get in my lane at the last minute.  I don't honk.  I wave them in. I always let them in, unless it's unsafe to do so.  However, the entire time I'm saying to my self, "Stupid @#$@.  Why can't this $@#$#@ learn to drive?" etc.  But it would be the height of rudeness for me to express that internal dialogue in a way that the other person could interpret (say by honking or giving them the finger or whatever), and it would be fairly impolite to not let them in if I possibly can.  Here, it seems like people have the same internal dialogue, but then they also honk.  Or don't let you in.  Or both.  I don't think that the former is necessarily fake - it's just the standard social interaction.  It's not an honest reflection of how you feel, that is true.  

Or if I'm at the grocery store, about to check out, and I have something I don't want to buy after all - what you do in the midwest is you say, "Oh, I'm sorry, I've changed my mind about these bananas."  You might also say, "Can I leave them here?" but it's generally implied.  Then the cashier will say, "Sure, no problem," and put them to the side, or she might say, "No worries," or something else reassuring.  Here, she just takes the thing and doesn't respond.  (granted this has only happened once, so my experience is pretty limited as yet).  Now, truth be told, it is probably kind of annoying and not no problem to take the bananas from the customer because someone will have to return them, but the cashier reassures you anyway.  You also probably aren't that sorry about leaving the bananas (these things happen and it's a normal part of shopping on occasion, surely the store accounts for this) but the polite thing to do is either apologize or make some other verbal acknowledgement of the minor trouble you're causing.  At least this is the way it works in the Midwest.  It's not fake, exactly, even though the verbal exchange is largely formulaic and meant to reinforce that everyone is okay with this disturbance (instead of being completely sincere and original comments).

I'm a Floridian but that sounds very very similar. And I like it. I LIKE social niceties, lol.

[regentrude]

4 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

But...it's not about politeness...it's that the people going straight have right of way...you have to yield to them...that's the law. 

So confused. 

I think that is the case in the regions they are talking about as well, however, we all know how slooooowly a line of cars starts moving from a stop - so I can see that one can quickly execute the left turn before that first car going straight has really started. 

[moonflower]

4 minutes ago, ljpisme said:

 

I have lived in either NH or MA for most of my life.  Aside from dealing with aggressive drivers (which I find to be much worse in MA than in NH), my experiences are pretty different than yours.  Overall, I find people to be pretty friendly here and I rarely encounter anyone who is overtly rude.  I’d say 95% of the time, when I go to a store or a restaurant whoever is serving me is pleasant and often quite friendly. Not everyone is super chatty, but that’s ok with me, because I’m not either ?

Sorry that your experiences have been negative! New England is a pretty big place and each state/town will have its own “personality.”

 

 

I totally agree, from my very limited experience, that driving in MA is a standard deviation worse than anywhere else in New England.  In Colorado, like I mentioned earlier, everyone stays on the right except to pass.  In theory they do this in MA too, except everyone is trying to pass all the time so they spend the entire time on the left or switching between lanes.  Like in the space of 3 miles they might switch lanes 7 times.  And they get right up behind you going 65, which is annoying.  After we went through MA into NH, DH and I both resolved not to drive in MA again.  Like, ever.  In VT so far they are slooooooow especially on the mountain but at least they're not aggressive AND slow AND entitled.

[ktgrok]

4 hours ago, Crimson Wife said:

The chit-chat,  sir/ma'am, etc. isn't the problem. The bolded is. I'd rather you be rude than fake. If you're rude, I can deal with that. But don't be all nicey-nicey to my face when underneath you're plotting against me.

It's not plotting against you, just being annoyed but also knowing it isn't worth starting a hub baloo over it. 

[ktgrok]

4 hours ago, forty-two said:

I think of the polite response as the way I *ought* to feel about the situation - I ought to feel mild regret about causing others mild trouble, and I ought to reassure those causing me minor trouble that it is indeed minor and really no big deal in the scheme of things.  And wrt annoying drivers, I ought to be forebearing and overlook minor gaffes and other annoyances without getting upset - it's not worth a stronger reaction.

Now, I don't always feel as I ought.  So sometimes I give the polite response while not feeling it.  But when I give the polite, expected response even when I don't feel it, it's not just that I'm doing "what I ought to do" on the outside - I'm acknowledging that I *should* be feeling it on the inside.  My inward and outward behavior *ought* to match - but if they can't match, than at least I'm not taking out my feelings on others, but am keeping it to myself.  And not only that, but in being polite on the outside, it actually *helps* me calm down and feel the matching inward response.

So for me it's not being fake when it happens - I am genuinely trying to be on the inside as I appear on the outside, even if I fail on occasion - it's always real, even when I'm having to grit my teeth to do it.  But 95% of the time, I do indeed feel the polite response as I give it.

Exactly!!!!!! 

[moonflower]

DH will love the turn left before the line thing, that is totally how he drives naturally and thinks driving should be and all that.  I don't mind it once I get used to it.  But the hurry-hurry thing does make me a little more anxious when driving.  

[MEmama]

12 minutes ago, ljpisme said:

 

I have lived in either NH or MA for most of my life.  Aside from dealing with aggressive drivers (which I find to be much worse in MA than in NH), my experiences are pretty different than yours.  Overall, I find people to be pretty friendly here and I rarely encounter anyone who is overtly rude.  I’d say 95% of the time, when I go to a store or a restaurant whoever is serving me is pleasant and often quite friendly. Not everyone is super chatty, but that’s ok with me, because I’m not either ?

Sorry that your experiences have been negative! New England is a pretty big place and each state/town will have its own “personality.”

 

It's the same for us. This idea that it's a cold, rude place is totally baffling to me. Not just about Mainers, but I even think Bostonians are friendly. 

[Clemsondana]

Regional differences are fascinating.  I've lived all over the southeast and absolutely love it - if I'm having a bad day, somebody somewhere will say or do something that makes me smile, and it recharges me enough that I'm ready to pay it forward.  It always seems strange when people call it 'fake' because, to me, it's more 'why wouldn't I be cheery when everybody is so nice?'. I joke about the 'southern cha-cha', where nobody can go in our out, or move at a 4-way stop, because everybody is holding a door or waiting for the other person to go.  It makes my day!  When we moved to Albuquerque, I noticed a difference but it's also a very friendly place - it's not as effusive, but the people are very open so the vibe is similar.  My boss at the time was from Rhode Island and had worked in NYC for years and the slowness drove her nuts...of course, she always seemed grumpy to me, but it was just the northeastern abruptness - she was very kind once you got to know her. 

I've got a couple of strange geographical funnies that I've collected over the years.    

I went to high school in WV and everybody was very friendly. We had an exchange student from France and he kept asking why everybody was being so nice.  One day, in exasperation, I asked what people in France would do with a new student and his response was 'Make fun of them'.  

I spent a summer working at UVA, and had the strange experience (for a southern town) of people not being chatty.  I went to the gym on campus, and people wouldn't make eye contact or speak, even though you saw them every night.  A friend who was a student was coming back to town as I was leaving, and we met for dinner.  He said that he hadn't been thinking or he would have introduced me - people there don't really talk without an introduction.  

While working with a guy from Chicago, I made a comment about how cars had pulled over for my grandmother's funeral.  He said that people in Chicago didn't have time for that sort of thing.  I understand if it isn't practical in a city due to traffic, but he wasn't able to explain exactly what Chicago-ans did that other people don't so that they need that exttra time - work, groceries, kids, hobbies...they do that in the south, too.  

And, finally, my husband and I have both had conversations with people asking about life in the south as if it's a third world country - what do we eat?  What do we do for fun?  This has always been with people who live in NY, though - with people from other places, we exchange info about regional quirks, but it's more with the expectation that life looks fairly similar to wherever they're from.  

[MEmama]

9 minutes ago, moonflower said:

 

I totally agree, from my very limited experience, that driving in MA is a standard deviation worse than anywhere else in New England.  In Colorado, like I mentioned earlier, everyone stays on the right except to pass.  In theory they do this in MA too, except everyone is trying to pass all the time so they spend the entire time on the left or switching between lanes.  Like in the space of 3 miles they might switch lanes 7 times.  And they get right up behind you going 65, which is annoying.  After we went through MA into NH, DH and I both resolved not to drive in MA again.  Like, ever.  In VT so far they are slooooooow especially on the mountain but at least they're not aggressive AND slow AND entitled.

Idk. We felt that way when we lived in Colorado--25 years ago. When we moved, we cheered as we crossed the state line that we'd made it out alive. 

I will agree that driving in Boston is its own kind of hell. The rest of the state is fine, though.

[moonflower]

I felt like half of Massachusetts was Boston metro.  There were just so many people!  And when we pulled over at a gas station, it was like breathing for a minute before you get back in the ring.

Maybe that is actually the sensation of driving somewhere where you're not entirely sure of/comfortable with the driving customs, so you have to be on edge all the time.  

[Crimson Wife]

3 hours ago, moonflower said:

So if you're sitting on your front porch and someone drives by (in a residential area, going about 15), do you wave at them and they wave at you?  Regardless of whether you know them.  If you're driving in the same neighborhood and you pass someone walking their dog, do you wave at them and they wave at you?  

We've lived in places where you definitely wave, places where you can wave, and places where people give you a very strange look when you wave, like you're about to come over there and try to sell them something.

I wave at folks I know or at least recognize as being one of my neighbors (regardless of whether I actually know them).

[Carrie12345]

On 4- way stops: I’m all about knowing and using your right of way. Anything else is dangerous. It often extends to 2 way stops here. A school bus driver nearly got me killled on a 55mph road, waving me into the path of another school bus!

(And then we have the people who aniticipate everyone “being nice”, so they just blow the sign. )

 

The rules are for safety. 

[Matryoshka]

41 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

But...it's not about politeness...it's that the people going straight have right of way...you have to yield to them...that's the law. 

So confused. And glad we didn't pursue the idea of moving to New England, lol. I'm the type to have a 20 minute chat with a random stranger in the yogurt aisle, lol. 

 

LOL, there's always enough delay with the oncoming cars moving that at least one car can safely go in front without cutting them off.  Once they start moving, they do get right of way, but blank pavement doesn't get right of way.  ?   Also, literally everyone does this, so it's expected...  

I have been known to have 20-minute chats in the yogurt aisle (well, maybe not 20, but way longer than is 'normal' here...) but only if I get reciprocation.  I think this is why people think I can't be from here.  Sadly, my driving habits appear to be very New England, or even Boston... I lived there for 5 years, and it does make you a bit more... assertive? :P

[Matryoshka]

4 minutes ago, Carrie12345 said:

On 4- way stops: I’m all about knowing and using your right of way. Anything else is dangerous. It often extends to 2 way stops here. A school bus driver nearly got me killled on a 55mph road, waving me into the path of another school bus!

(And then we have the people who aniticipate everyone “being nice”, so they just blow the sign. )

 

The rules are for safety. 

 

Yes, if you have right of way, please take it and get out of my way so I can go after you.   Sitting there waving me on to be 'polite' when you have right of way?  If I do go and then you hit me (or someone coming the other way), it's my fault, because I didn't have right of way.  No thanks. Take your right of way, and move along!

[Jean in Newcastle]

The level of traffic "politeness" here is legendary enough to be immortalized in an advertisement:

 

[Barb_]

I thought of this thread today when we were shoe shopping at TJMaxx. I sat on a bench playing on my phone while one of my girls shopped the shoes for her new retail job. An older (70s? 80s?) lady stopped by twice for opinions on shoes and to chat. Another mom and daughter pair chimed on to help us decide on a couple pairs of shoes and then asked our opinion between two pairs. I a third lady came around the corner to insist dd buy the pair of red wedges and wanted to know if they had the in her size. It was lovely ? 

[73349]

 My first reaction to the thread title was "Are all Southerners this nosy?" as I remembered not being able to go ANYWHERE here in NC visibly pregnant without a conversation about it, LOL. I started to think of buying pins or maternity t-shirts to preemptively answer store clerks' questions. On the up side, people doing any kinds of work seem to be open to questions about it from a child.

I lived in New England until I was 14, and my family is from there. (I lived in PA from 14-21.) There are just different expectations (sorry if repeating; I haven't read past page 1 yet):

In the Northeast, instead of showing respect for people by taking an interest (as one does in some regions), you show respect by not wasting their time or demanding their attention. That means a check-out conversation consists of "Hi" and the amount due and "Thanks" at the end. [ETA: If you want to be effusive, it's "Thanks very much" with a smile that still doesn't show teeth!] They do not want to have a fake-friendly conversation with four hundred people a day.

Re: the moldy bagels, they expect people to be pickier but also are probably embarrassed to have had something inedible on the shelf. It's also a common practice to open an egg carton to make sure none of them are cracked.

People talk faster (when they do talk) and drive faster. I tease that drivers on I-95 have confused the highway number with the speed limit. Don't take it personally; they just really do want to get where they're going unimpeded. But they don't own the road any more than you do.

IDK why they have a need to repeat the information other than being tired of answering the same questions all the time. Keep trying "Right, and..." kinds of answers and know that not everybody is gracious. [ETA: My having even said "gracious" is an indicator of Southern assimilation. Graciousness doesn't cross a New Englander's mind unless forgiving someone who's apologizing. Maybe I should say, "Not everybody is good at customer service." L.L. Bean employees are great on the phone, for example.]

[Tsuga]

4 hours ago, Pawz4me said:

Sometimes I like a post if it's a good/valid point that hadn't occurred to me. Even if I don't agree with it. I'm "liking" the poster for the knowledge or new POV.

I'm "liking" the  contribution to my thread. It has to be offensive or completely off point for me not to "like" it. It is not just this board. A number of boards I have been on have that norm.

[ktgrok]

2 hours ago, regentrude said:

I think that is the case in the regions they are talking about as well, however, we all know how slooooowly a line of cars starts moving from a stop - so I can see that one can quickly execute the left turn before that first car going straight has really started. 

right...but that's illegal, lol. And dangerous. And illegal. 

[ktgrok]

1 hour ago, Arctic Mama said:

Yeah, unless I’m trying for some alone time in a restaurant or whatever, I find myself with a cheerful bounce in my step when I’ve been able to help or been helped by friendly strangers.  It’s just warmer, somehow, especially in a casual way while shopping.

Yup. Tonight I made an Aldi run and as I was returning my cart there was a woman obviously searching her purse for a quarter and having no luck. So I gave her my cart, no quarter needed, and told her how it happens to me sometimes, etc etc. And we all smiled and felt happy. 

[Garga]

(I haven’t read all the replies, just skimmed, so sorry if I’m off track here.)

I have a friend whom I literally believe that if God had waited to send the savior this year, he’d have choosen her and her husband to be Mary and Joseph.  She’s a psychiatrist who counsels traumatized children and she’s more gentle and loving and kind and accepting than anyone I’ve ever met in person or read about or seen on a screen anywhere.  She’s amazing.

She moved to Maine from Maryland and had the exact same issues as the OP.  She struggled with how stoic the people are compared to herself.  She learned not to even look like she might be gushing at all, because they’d just stare at her like she was nuts.  She found that the people there were direct and didn’t want to play around with any extra words or emotions.  

It wasn’t easy for her and she seemed frustrated at how she couldn’t connect to people as much as she’d have liked.  She’d have had to change her core personality to truly fit in, but she did try to tone her upbeat personality down a bit.  She and her family are moving to California next week and I think they might fit in a little better there than in Maine.

[Liz CA]

2 minutes ago, Garga said:

(I haven’t read all the replies, just skimmed, so sorry if I’m off track here.)

I have a friend whom I literally believe that if God had waited to send the savior this year, he’d have choosen her and her husband to be Mary and Joseph.  She’s a psychiatrist who counsels traumatized children and she’s more gentle and loving and kind and accepting than anyone I’ve ever met in person or read about or seen on a screen anywhere.  She’s amazing.

She moved to Maine from Maryland and had the exact same issues as the OP.  She struggled with how stoic the people are compared to herself.  She learned not to even look like she might be gushing at all, because they’d just stare at her like she was nuts.  She found that the people there were direct and didn’t want to play around with any extra words or emotions.  

It wasn’t easy for her and she seemed frustrated at how she couldn’t connect to people as much as she’d have liked.  She’d have had to change her core personality to truly fit in, but she did try to tone her upbeat personality down a bit.  She and her family are moving to California next week and I think they might fit in a little better there than in Maine.

 

She won't have a problem here. ? We are also used to all kinds since so many areas here have a lot of different cultures.

[Garga]

4 hours ago, Patty Joanna said:

I notice a difference between Colorado (where I grew up) and Seattle (where I have lived half my life, as of two days from now).  I think there are regional differences. 

When I was an account manager in sales, I had as my territory the South and New Jersey.  I did the exact same business from exactly the same contracts in both areas, and it was like I had to put on a completely different persona to make the relationships work.  The South was so friendly and welcoming, but it took forEVer to get through a meeting.  The New Jersey accounts were combative and contentious...but we got the deals done really quickly.  My personality was much more at home in the South as far as the interpersonal interactions, but the part of me that just wants to get this done was a little tested.  

I worked customer service in a call center for a nationwide health insurance company.  I could go from talking to someone from South Carolina to talking to someone from New York city from one call to the next.  Tricky.  The southerners would start off with small talk, “So, how’s your weather where you are?  Hot enough for ya?  Got some snow?”  And the New Yorkers immediately got down to business, “My account number is X and I need to know Y.  Now.”  I learned to speak slower to someone from the south or they’d say, “Sweetie, you need to slow down so I can write down what your’e saying,” and faster for someone from the north, “Uh huh, uh huh, got it.”  

[73349]

I've learned to speed up YouTube videos unless the speaker has a New York or Boston-area accent! :) Everybody else takes a long time to say anything, unless it's a technical lecture I need to attend to closely to understand. Bostonians speak at the right pace for me, New Yorkers just slightly fast. Maybe that's why I prefer text to videos generally.

Just a matter of what we're used to.

[regentrude]

35 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

right...but that's illegal, lol. And dangerous. And illegal. 

if the oncoming traffic stops, it is legal to make a left turn. They are waiving their right of way.

Which is the case if they choose not to drive as soon as the light turns green.

[madteaparty]

4 hours ago, Medicmom2.0 said:

All very normal interactions here.  I’m a fairly private person who detests small talk and is perfectly happy living with someone with these social norms.

But I truly find it fascinating to read about other norms in this country.

 

Right? I mean the cashier commenting on my purchases. I want to fake not being able to speak English because YES that IS a freaking fascinating youghurt and how many times do we need to do this.

[sassenach]

2 hours ago, regentrude said:

if the oncoming traffic stops, it is legal to make a left turn. They are waiving their right of way.

Which is the case if they choose not to drive as soon as the light turns green.

 

I'm fairly certain that if an accident happened, the person making the left would be at fault (no matter who is waving). I know it's totally regional, but it's a pet peeve of mine when people sit there waving me through when it's not my right of way. I won't go. I'd rather wait for them to just do what they're supposed to do.

[Jean in Newcastle]

13 minutes ago, madteaparty said:

Right? I mean the cashier commenting on my purchases. I want to fake not being able to speak English because YES that IS a freaking fascinating youghurt and how many times do we need to do this.

Perhaps it's because I live in a small city, but I know all the regular cashiers that have been here for more than a month.  I don't see them as being fake.  I see them as truly being curious about a new product that just came on the market or a fruit that they've never tried before.  Because I've never seen or heard them asking everyone the same questions or doing something that would make me feel like I could not take them at their word.  The same way that I take posters here who post questions at their word (unless there was something that raised red flags of a troll). 

[madteaparty]

10 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

Perhaps it's because I live in a small city, but I know all the regular cashiers that have been here for more than a month.  I don't see them as being fake.  I see them as truly being curious about a new product that just came on the market or a fruit that they've never tried before.  Because I've never seen or heard them asking everyone the same questions or doing something that would make me feel like I could not take them at their word.  The same way that I take posters here who post questions at their word (unless there was something that raised red flags of a troll). 

That's because you are a nice person. I am not, but also, I don't want to talk about yougurt. 

[73349]

26 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

Perhaps it's because I live in a small city, but I know all the regular cashiers that have been here for more than a month.  I don't see them as being fake.  I see them as truly being curious about a new product that just came on the market or a fruit that they've never tried before.  Because I've never seen or heard them asking everyone the same questions or doing something that would make me feel like I could not take them at their word.  The same way that I take posters here who post questions at their word (unless there was something that raised red flags of a troll). 

That's true here as well. But, see, the New Englanders *would* be faking it, in most cases. They were raised to keep their eyes off other people's stuff and/or not make comments. It's more polite there to move the line along as fast as possible. Maybe the customer is embarrassed to be buying some of the things in that cart. It's entirely possible that the clerk, or the next customer who could hear the conversation, cannot afford to buy something that's going by. So if you have an interest in a product, you'd make a mental note to look for it yourself sometime, but not comment out loud.

It's interesting to me to be a parent in NC after having been a child in CT: every time I've corrected my super-curious child about not interrupting people doing something important (like using sharp tools), they've been like, "Oh, no, he's fine." And he is, here. He's just taking an interest. If you do that in New England (aside from places like Mystic Seaport or Old Sturbridge Village that are designed for it), you're being rude. You ask your parents the question when you get out of earshot.

[solascriptura]

11 hours ago, moonflower said:

Or you call them on the phone to ask about whether their fried fish has egg, and you say, "Hi, I'm calling about your fried Haddock.  Is there egg in the batter?" And they say, "We only have the fried Haddock on Tuesdays." And you say, "That's cool, we could wait until then.  But does it have eggs?" And they say, "I'd have to go ask someone." And you say, "Okay, that's cool." And they just wait on the line, and you realize at that point that something has gone wrong in the conversation but you're not sure what.

Or you call for a dentist's appointment and say, "Hi, I'm a new patient in the area.  I'm looking for a cleaning and maybe to have a cavity filled." And they say, "You need an intake appointment first." and you say, "Sure, that sounds good.  When is your first available appointment?" And they say, "There's a lot of paperwork to do at the first appointment so you need to be 15 minutes early." And you say, "Okay.  when would the appointment be?" And they say, "No, there's a lot of paperwork.  We'd need (x form) and (y form)."  And you say, "Sure, that works.  Can you get me in in the next couple of weeks?" And they say, "I'd have to go check the appointment calendar, but first let me finish telling you that we need z form and then you'll have to have the intake appointment before any cleaning or x-rays and the x-rays are charged separately and (etc)."  All of which is said in an exasperated tone of voice, at this point.

 

I'm from PA and while I have had encounters similar to what you've mentioned, it's not the norm here.  I do think that you could be a little more direct or firm.  If you're feeling particularly put out, I'd point it out to the cashier or receptionist that you're speaking to.  Something like, "I'm sorry was I unclear?  I understood what you said, but I also asked for an appointment.  Please let me know what your first availability is.  Thank you."  I have heard that New Englanders are more curt or taciturn.  I guess I just don't assume that they are trying to be rude.  There really are regional differences, but I don't equate it with rudeness.  

[ktgrok]

4 minutes ago, StellaM said:

 

I would pay an extra $5 per interaction (grocery store, hairdressers etc) for people NOT to make inane small talk with me. Nobody really wants to talk about the yoghurt.

I do! I really do! I'll tell you why I buy it, and which flavors we like best, and how I'm so glad they carry such and such a flavor as it is hard to find elsewhere, etc. 

 

[73349]

11 hours ago, moonflower said:

Or you call them on the phone to ask about whether their fried fish has egg, and you say, "Hi, I'm calling about your fried Haddock.  Is there egg in the batter?" And they say, "We only have the fried Haddock on Tuesdays." And you say, "That's cool, we could wait until then.  But does it have eggs?" And they say, "I'd have to go ask someone." And you say, "Okay, that's cool." And they just wait on the line, and you realize at that point that something has gone wrong in the conversation but you're not sure what. "Yes, please." That's a clear indicator that you're willing to wait for an answer. As opposed to "Oh, to hell with it, then," which they may get from some impatient, candid (but truly not malicious) customers for whom this conversation is already too long.

 

 

[solascriptura]

5 hours ago, PeachyDoodle said:

My dh is in sales, and he says this about the South too. And that the cultural tendency to avoid hurting anyone's feelings makes his job difficult. If you're not going to buy, just say so and stop wasting my time! 

I understand what you're saying.  I'm more direct by nature and I know that it rubs some people the wrong way!  I realize that there are niceties that need to be said, but when people constantly dance around a subject I also find myself getting frustrated.  I don't know what they're saying!  People are talking, but that's not communication to me.  Just tell me what you're really thinking!  

[Barb_]

20 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

I do! I really do! I'll tell you why I buy it, and which flavors we like best, and how I'm so glad they carry such and such a flavor as it is hard to find elsewhere, etc. 

 

 

Same, lol. I was raised by southern women.

[73349]

16 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

I was telling DH about this thread. And he mentioned when we worked in a call center.  We answered calls from all over the country and honestly, our experience was that calls from the northeast were the most difficult. 

This thread is cracking me up.

Of course they were. Northeasterners are already unhappy if they've had to make a phone call (as opposed to having information in print) and had to wait to talk to you (though of course it's not your fault personally). As far as they're concerned, you've been rude before you've had a chance to take the call. And transactions over the phone are not very trustworthy--look at all the scams out there every day. TBH though I've gotten used to Southern-style interactions in person, I never call a national company unless I'm already annoyed. (I'm polite about it, but absolutely not going to do small talk the way I will in a store--and heaven help you if you called me and interrupted me). Of course there's a spectrum of what people will do when they're annoyed, and some of it is downright rude, as opposed to not especially nice. The line is definitely drawn in different places in different regions, though.

 

Didn't multiquote, but ktgrok, I am sure you are lovely, and you'd be a great neighbor where I live, but you will have a riot on your hands if you ever go on about yogurt like that in a Massachusetts grocery line. The other customers would be so, so unhappy with somebody holding up the line. Yes, even for 30 seconds, if it was to talk about yogurt flavors.

[ktgrok]

4 minutes ago, whitehawk said:

 

Didn't multiquote, but ktgrok, I am sure you are lovely, and you'd be a great neighbor where I live, but you will have a riot on your hands if you every go on about yogurt like that in a Massachusetts grocery line. The other customers would be so, so unhappy with somebody holding up the line.

LOL! Good thing we gave up the idea of moving there!!! My best friend is from Boston and she warned me, lol. We are very much the Odd Couple, lol. 

I will say though, I don't think of it as holding up the line, the cashiers here all seem capable of talking/listening and ringing up the product at the same time. They don't stop what they are doing to chat, they chat while doing it.